Derpy Vs. Pinkie Pie

by Moelogroc

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Carrot Top, Random
Length: 3319

Pinkie messes up Derpy's routine, and Derpy tries to make things right.

Derpy Hooves is a simple mare, with simple tastes. All she wants is a muffin, but forces outside her control conspire against her! Now she needs to go up against Pinkie Pie to get what she wants, but things are rarely that simple in Ponyville.

Published 2012-07-12 16:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-12 16:04:02 UTC

Pinkie Pie

The sun slowly begins rising over the horizon, officially starting the day. All is quiet and calm as the ponies sleep, getting in those last few minutes of sleep before they have to wake up. Things are peaceful, and nothing could spoil this moment.

BRRRRRRRRRRRR

A single gray hoof extends from under the covers, hovering over the nightstand threateningly. The owner of the hoof brings it crashing down violently, crushing the object on the stand into a soft, squishy mass.

BRRRRRRRRRRRR

Derpy lifts her head, staring blearily at the nightstand, and the crushed muffin under her hoof. The alarm clock, safely sitting on a table across the room, continues its unholy noise. She grumbles at her destroyed breakfast, slowly sliding out of bed. With her front hooves on the floor, she takes the first step towards the infernal clock, determined to silence it for good. She steps on another muffin, her hoof sliding out from under her and spilling her onto the floor. She curiously looks at her own back hooves, positioned in front of her face. The clock shuts itself off, causing Derpy’s murderous thoughts to vanish as well.

“Great,” she mutters in annoyance. “There goes breakfast…” She rises to her hooves, trudging toward her bathroom to get ready for the day.

~~~~

Losing both her muffin and her back-up muffin, Derpy heads to the only place in town she could get really good muffins: Sugarcube Corner. As she approaches the door, it opens quickly, a pony carrying several boxes stumbling outside. Derpy moves aside for the pony, staring in curiosity at the sheer number of boxes hovering around the strange pony. She shrugs and heads inside, the bell chiming merrily as she pushes the door open.

With a faint whoosh of wind, Pinkie Pie pops her head up from behind the counter, grinning widely at Derpy. “Gooooooooood morning, Derpy Hooves!” She leans against the counter casually, resting her head on her forehooves. “What can I get for you? A cupcake? An apple tart? A whole box of buttermilk biscuits with butter? Say the word and I’ll get it right to ya!”

Derpy’s right eye whirls in its socket as she listens to Pinkie’s pitch. She grins happily, fluttering her wings. “No thanks! I’ll have a blueberry muffin for breakfast, and a second one for second breakfast!” She sticks her head into her saddlebags, looking for her coin purse.

Pinkie’s smile falters for a fraction of a second. “Oh, again? Are you sure you don’t want something else? A fritter? A cruller? A batch of beignets and bananas?” A hint of desperation creeps into her tone as she nervously polishes the counter with a rag.

Derpy pauses in her search, pulling her head out of her bag to look at Pinkie in confusion. “No thanks. Just the muffins. Are those other things today’s specials?” She tilts her head in confusion, scratching the back of her head.

Pinkie nervously glances around, sweat forming on her brow. Seeing no way out of the conversation, she quickly lets out what’s bothering her. “Well, when I said say the word and I’ll get it right to ya, I meant for anything other than muffins. You see, a real nice pony came in just a moment ago and bought all the muffins we had in stock, so I don’t have any to sell you even if you did say the word, so I was hoping you’d say some other word so I could stick to my word and not be a poor salespony and not give you what you wanted and I’m really sorry Derpy DON’T BE MAD AT ME PLEASE!”

Derpy’s eyes are spinning. They soon come to rest, both focused directly on Pinkie. She half-closes her eyes, looking slightly annoyed. “So, no muffins then?”

Pinkie shakes her head, looking dejected. A lightbulb appears above her head after a moment, and she yells out “A-HA!” as she rushes into the back. She returns a moment later, presenting Derpy with a plate. “Ta-da! A blueberry bagel!” She grins hopefully, putting the bagel in front of the mailmare.

Derpy looks down at the bagel, then up at Pinkie. She looks down again, then back up. “This,” she says, starting to get upset, “is a bagel. I asked for two muffins. One muffin is worth two bagels by itself. See the issue?”

Pinkie nods, back to her cheerful self. “Sure do! Wait right here!” She zips back into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a brown bag. She puts the bag on Derpy’s head, grinning happily. “Here you go, FOUR blueberry bagels. That’ll be four bits.” At that moment, Mr. and Mrs. Cake show up, going about their business.

Seeing Derpy’s annoyed look, Pinkie chuckles nervously. “Wow, look at the time! I’m on break, gotta-go-bye!” She rushes out the door, Derpy hot on her heels.

“Pinkie! Wait!”

Mrs. Cake gasps at the sight, pointing a hoof frantically. “Carrot! Stop her!” Mr. Cake speeds forward, reaching the door at the same time Derpy does.

“I’m on it, honey!” He tackles Derpy to the ground, retrieving the bag of bagels. “You should be ashamed of yourself! Trying to steal from us?”

Derpy struggles, trying to spot the pink mare. “No, wait! PINKIE PIIIIIIEEEEEE!” she flails helplessly, but her shout fails to bring Pinkie back to the store. She lays on the porch in confusion, not even noticing Mr. Cake go back inside with the bag.

~~~~

Carrot Top hums to herself as she waters her banana tree, a small one on her kitchen window. She grips the watering can lightly in her teeth, pouring out a precise amount of water for the small plant. A loud *THUD* at her door barely gets a reaction, and she calmly puts down the can, going to get the door. “Good morning, Derpy. How have you been?”

Derpy pushes past Carrot Top, rubbing her sore nose as she trudges into the kitchen. Carrot Top shuts the door, sighing in annoyance. “Please, come in. I was just watering my plants.” She enters the kitchen, pulling Derpy out of the fridge by her tail. Derpy stubbornly holds onto the crisper drawer, pulling the entire drawer out of the fridge.

Carrot Top takes the crisper drawer away, putting it back in the fridge. “What’s wrong, Derpy? I’ve never seen you so upset!”

Derpy crosses her front hooves over her chest, pouting like a little filly. “Betrayal! That’s what’s wrong! Pinkie Pie betrayed me! I have a standing order for muffins, and she went and sold them all today! And when I came in to buy a muffin, you know what she tried to peddle?”

Derpy looks expectantly at Carrot Top, who merely blinks in confusion. “No, what-“

“BAGELS!” Derpy interrupts. “She tried to sell me bagels! And unless it’s used for sandwich bread, I can’t stand bagels!” She moans pitifully, taking a seat at the table and dropping her head onto it.

Carrot Top blinks in confusion, approaching Derpy and giving her a comforting hug. “There, there… It’s alright. I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose. I mean, she works at a bakery, and she couldn’t have known she’d be out when you arrived. And she’s always been nice to you before, why ‘betray’ you now?”

Derpy flutters her wings, gently pushing Carrot Top away. “That doesn’t matter, C.T. What matters is that Pinkie Pie owes me some muffins, and I’m gonna get ‘em. And you’re gonna help me!” She grins happily, not noticing Carrot Top’s eyes go wide with surprise.

“Me?! What do you want me to do? If they’re out, they’re out. My being there won’t change that. If you really want your muffins, just go back later, after they’ve baked more.”

Derpy groans in exasperation. “But that won’t be for hours! By then breakfast will be over, and I’m hungry now! And don’t you dare offer to bake me some yourself. It’s the principle of the matter that has me so upset.”

Carrot Top sighs, taking a seat opposite Derpy. “Fine. If it means this much to you, I’ll help you. What do you want me to do?”

Derpy claps her hooves happily, giggling with excitement. “Yay! Thanks, C.T.! Come on, I’ll explain on the way!”

~~~~

“This was your plan!?”

Carrot Top looks at Derpy incredulously, then back at Sugarcube Corner. Derpy grins smugly, tilting her head to pop her neck as she approaches the store. Carrot Top follows, just a step behind.

“Just walk right in and ask her to make more muffins. Why did you need me for this again?”

“Well, two ponies making the request carries more weight than just one. She can make an excuse that she’s too busy if I ask her by myself, but she can’t deny both of us! It’s foalproof!”

The two walk into the store, Carrot Top shaking her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you convinced me to do this…” The two mares approach the counter, where Mrs. Cake greets them warmly.

“Good morning, ladies! What can I get for you?” She grins at Carrot Top, occasionally glancing at Derpy.

Derpy clears her throat, getting the older mare’s attention. “I’d like to speak with Pinkie Pie, please. It’s about this morning.”

“I’m sorry, dearie, but she’s a little busy right now.”

“What?” Derpy steps back in surprise, pointing at Carrot Top. “But there’s two of us! And we both need to see her!”

Carrot Top pushes Derpy’s hoof away. “I’m not part of this, honest.”

Mrs. Cake shakes her head sadly. “I don’t see how that changes anything. Pinkie’s very busy working on the food for tonight’s Town Council meeting. We’re catering the event, after all! She’s working extra hard to make enough food for everypony.”

Carrot Top steps up, smiling politely. “You wouldn’t happen to have any blueberry muffins, would you?”

Mrs. Cake smiles, but shakes her head. “I’m sorry, dearie, but we ran out this morning. A nice young mare came in and bought every muffin we had, and we’ve been just too darn busy too make more! We’ll have more by tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!” Derpy cries out in anguish, leaning against Carrot Top for support. “You said they’d have more this afternoon, C.T.!”

“Well, I didn’t know about catering a Council meeting tonight, Derpy. I’m sorry, but it looks like they can’t make any muffins today. Come on back to my house, I’ll bake you some.” Carrot Top tries to lead Derpy away, but Derpy pulls away.

“No! This is personal now!” She turns to Mrs. Cake, bowing her head respectfully. “I’ll see you later, Mrs. Cake.”

Mrs. Cake smiles nervously. “I… can’t wait.”

Derpy nods, turning and walking out the door. “Come on, C.T.” Carrot Top follows, shaking her head in confusion.

~~~~

Derpy paces in front of the bakery window, glancing inside occasionally at the pink blur that races from one station to the next. “Alright, new plan. Follow me!” She jumps in through the window, landing in front of Pinkie Pie.

Carrot Top steps up to the window, watching with interest.

“Pinkie Pie! We need to-“ Derpy is pushed aside as Pinkie rushes over to an oven, pulling out a steaming pie.

“Sorry, Derpy. I’d really love talk, because talking is so much fun and I love to talk, I could talk for hours if you wanted, but not now because I’m super duper trooper busy baking and making and cooking and booking all these things for tonight! I know you like to help, but I can’t authorize a helper without permission from Mr. or Mrs. Cake, but I’m too busy baking and making and cooking and booking all this food to stop and ask them to hire outside help! If you wanna help, go ask them! It’d be so fun to cook with you!”

Derpy steps in front of Pinkie, flaring her wings to block. “Listen! Just hear me out!”

A timer goes off, and Pinkie lifts Derpy, rushing underneath her to get to the oven and take out two loaves of bread. “Okaly dokaly! What do you wanna talk about?”

Derpy takes a second to figure out what just happened, but quickly recovers. “You owe me two blueberry muffins for what you did earlier! Since you’re already here, I demand you cook me up a batch!” She smiles proudly, glad this whole thing could be sorted out so easily.

Pinkie shakes her head, mixing together a salad. “Sorry. But I don’t have any spare ovens to make you some muffins. And there aren’t any muffins planned for tonight’s meeting. I guess I could bake them anyway, but I’d need permission from the Cakes to change the menu like that. Maybe you should ask them! I’m sure they’d let me do it for you!”

Derpy stomps a hoof in frustration, then stomps closer to Pinkie, slipping on some spilled cake batter. She crashes into a large mixer, tossing bread dough all over the kitchen. A large glob hits Pinkie in the face, covering her whole head. “Wah! I’m blind! Somepony hellllp!” Pinkie flails, knocking over more bowls and mixers, making a huge mess. Derpy rises to her hooves, looking at the mess Pinkie is causing.

Carrot Top leaps through the window, grabbing Derpy and hauling her out just as Pinkie crashes against the cabinet where Derpy was standing. The two exchange a glance, then run away as fast as their legs can carry them.

~~~~

“So, let me get this straight…”

Derpy and Carrot Top are seated at Carrot Top’s table, while Doctor Whooves combs bread dough out of Derpy’s mane.

“You went to the bakery, broke into the kitchen, blinded Pinkie, and just ran off?”

Carrot Top sighs, downing the rest of her coffee. “Yeah, pretty much.”

Derpy grumbles, wincing as Whooves tugs at a knot. “It wasn’t on purpose…”

Whooves chuckles, pointing his comb at Carrot Top’s mane. “And where did that whisk come from?”

Carrot Top hides her face in her front hooves, while Derpy rolls her eyes. “I kinda tripped over a mixing bowl, and spilled whipped cream over everything. Including C.T.”

Whooves grins, patting Derpy’s head to signify he was done. “And here I thought it was a new fashion accessory. You didn’t tell me whipped cream was involved! That would’ve been a sight to see, you covered in whipped cream!”

Carrot Top glances up in annoyance. “Well, you can forget ever seeing it. That stuff took forever to get out of my mane.”

Derpy works her tongue around her mouth, working an orange hair out of her teeth. “Didn’t even taste good. What do you use in your mane, anyway?”

Whooves falls to the ground, laughing uncontrollably.

Derpy and Carrot Top stare at him. Derpy shrugs, looking at the far wall. “You married him, C.T. I told you he was weird, but you didn’t listen.”

Carrot Top hides her face again, groaning.

~~~~

“So, what are we doing here, again?”

Derpy floats lazily overhead, staring at Sugarcube Corner. Whooves and Carrot Top are seated comfortably on a bench, looking quite relaxed.

Whooves points at the door, a mad grin spreading across his face. “We’re about to get you your muffins, Derpy.”

Derpy pouts, holding her stomach. “But it’s almost sundown! I wanted muffins for breakfast!”

Carrot Top looks up at Derpy, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “You had a muffin when we got back to the house! It was barely midday, then!”

Derpy kicks a hoof in the air, not looking at her friend. “That was second breakfast. Maybe even lunch.”

Carrot Top sighs, laying her head back down. “You worry too much about little details, Derpy. What does it matter when you had it? You got a muffin, you should be happy.”

“I was. Now I’m hungry, and Pinkie still owes me. Ergo, I’m not happy anymore.”

Whooves shushes the two, pointing to the bakery excitedly. “Hush, you two! It’s happening!”

The door opens, and Pinkie Pie, the Cakes, and, surprisingly, Big Macintosh all come out, carrying various food items on their backs. They load the items into a cart, then hook up Big Mac. Mac and Pinkie both head off toward Town Hall, while the Cakes go back inside.

“There they go! Come on!” Whooves jumps up, giggling as he heads toward the store. The two mares exchange glances, but follow anyway. Whooves stands off to the side, looking up at the second story of the bakery. “You may not know this, but Pinkie and the Cakes live on that second floor. That’s where we’ll find your muffins, Derpy. Now give me a boost!”

Derpy lands next to Whooves, looking at him in confusion. “Uh, okay… You are a nice stallion, very smart, and ponies like saying nice things about you…”

Whooves barks out a laugh, then points at the window. “Carry me up there, please!”

“Oh, okay! Why didn’t you just say so?” Derpy grabs Whooves, lifting him up to the window. He pulls a small device out of his saddlebag, pointing it at the window. With a faint whirr and a blue glow, the window soon falls inward, landing softly against the carpeted floor.

“Right! Put me down inside, Derpy! Then you and Carrot come on up!” Whooves stashes his device in his bag, looking around wile Derpy goes to grab Carrot Top.

“What was that, C.T.? What are we doing here?”

“I don’t know. It’s some fancy tool he built a while back. It’s great for putting up shelves!”

“Your husband’s weird, C.T.” Derpy drops Carrot Top off inside, landing beside her. Whooves bustles about the room, looking through various piles of junk and knick-knacks.

“Where is it, where is it… ah! Here we are!” He pulls the blanket off a makeshift fort, revealing several items holding it up. He points at a small fridge, bright blue in color. The mini-fridge has the words “Pony Box” written on the door, with a small label on the side reading “Property, S. Tock”.

He grins widely at the mares, lovingly stroking the fridge. “My father gave me this fridge when I moved into Ponyville. Said it’d be good for drinks and things. I loaned it to Pinkie Pie two years ago for use at a private party. Never did get around to asking for it back.” He shakes his head in amusement, his eyes derping for a second as he smacks his head.

“Right! Anyway, if I know Pinkie Pie, and since I actually listen when she rambles, I think I do, she keeps snacks for her pet alligator in here. And as we all know, alligators love blueberry muffins more than anything else! Thusly-!” He opens the fridge, revealing two day-old blueberry muffins, sitting alone inside the fridge. “Your standing order!”

Derpy squeals in delight, grabbing the muffins up and doing a joyful loop around the room. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Doctor! How can ever repay you?”

Whooves grins, looking at the window. “Would you kindly carry this out the window for me?”

~~~~

Derpy leans against the side of Sugarcube Corner, panting from the exertion. Carrot Top and Whooves stand side-by-side, balancing the mini-fridge across their backs. Carrot Top smiles, going over the day’s events in her head.

“You know, I actually enjoyed today. Yeah, it was weird, and a little hectic at times, but it was nice just to have the day with my best friend.”

“And go on a little adventure with your husband, right, Carry?” Whooves nuzzles her cheek affectionately, making her giggle.

Derpy moves off the wall, standing beside Carrot Top. “And I got breakfast for tomorrow! All is right with the world! I’ll see you guys later!” She heads off at a leisurely trot, giving her wings a rest. Her muffins safe in her saddlebag, she heads down the path to her home, humming a little tune to herself.

The End