One Man, One Gun, One Baby Dragon.
Spike sits on the steps of Sugar Cube Corner, propping his head up with one arm as he stares sadly at Rarity. Pinkie opens the door and looks down at the little dragon.
“Spike, just go talk to her!”
Spike lets out a long sigh.
“But what would I even say?”
A mysterious man walks up from Spike’s right.
“Maybe I can help?” The man says, in a deep, rough voice that’s filled with douchebag. Pinkie sighs and narrows her eyes.
“Jack please just let Spike figure it o-” Jack holds a hand up to Pinkie Pie.
“Jack Stone: his bushy brown hair glistens magnificently from years of hairgel abuse. His fluffy mustache cries out for you to tug it. “ Pinkie blinks a few times.
“We already know who you are, why are you-” Jack flexes one arm, while pointing the other at the sky majestically.
“His large brown aviators say “I’m not afraid to shop at Walmart.”. His shirt is only white because it defeated all other colors in mortal combat.”
Pinkie shrugs with confusion.
“Are...you introducing yourself in the third person?”
Jack wraps an arm around Pinkie’s mid section, squeezes her tightly and holds out his other arm like he’s painting a sunset in front of her.
“His red tie is so inspiring, it makes all other birthday presents inadequate. He is-”
Pinkie cuts him off with an annoyed tone.
“The least interesting man in the world. Yes, we’ve all seen the Dos Equus commercials.”
Jack drops Pinkie who hits the ground with a pitiful squeak, then smirks arrogantly.
“Trust me Spike, if there’s one thing that chicks love, it’s a man that can fight!” Jack says, while balling his fist in front of Spike’s face. Spike sits up and looks mesmerized.
“R...really?! Well how do I do that?”
Jack smirks.
“Tell you what Spike, go over there and start talking to Rarity, then I’ll come over and give you a hard time. You’ll fend me off or something and win yourself that pony!”
Spike jumps to his feet and high fives Jack. Pinkie shakes her head.
“This is not gonna end well.”
Spike walks up to Rarity, who’s examining a new piece of silk. He stands behind her and swallows, with his hands behind his back. He clears his throat which makes the mare turn around.
“Oh hi Spike!” She says happily.
“Hi Rare! Sure is a nice day to...just hang out...right here...right?”
Rarity stares at Spike for a moment.
“Well..I suppose it is but-”
“Hey look what we got here, a baby dragon and his slut!”
Spike’s eyes widen. He turns around and glares at Jack Stone.
“Dude! Not cool!” He whispers angrily so only Jack Stone SUPER COP! can hear him.
Jack takes a few steps forward.
“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” Spike pretends to roll up his sleeves and marches over to Jack Stone.
“Sir, you have offended my lady for the last ti-”
Spike gasps as Jack Stone pulls on a leash. Two large rottweilers that are each three times the size of Spike growl at him angrily. Spike puts his hands up defensively and slowly walks backwards. Jack lets the dogs go, who pounce on Spike and start biting him everywhere. Spike flails his arms and screams, as Rare runs off again. The dogs stop biting Spike, who lays on the ground weak and motionless. One dog nudges Spike with his front paw. The other dog shrugs and both run off down an alleyway.
Jack crouches down next to Spike, who groans on the ground with numerous marks all over his body.
“Um...alright I may have overestimated your fighting abilities. Tell you what, next time is a guaranteed win alright? That’s a Jack Stone promise!” He says, while laying a comforting hand on a wound of Spike’s, who groans weakly.
Rarity is deep in thought as she reads a scroll by herself in the middle of Ponyville. Spike walks up with a white bandage across his left arm.
“Um...hi Rare!” Rarity turns around with a smile on her face.
“Oh hi Spikey wikey! How are you?”
“He’s about to be in a world of hurt after I put enough bullets in him to stop a riot in Detroit!” Jack Stone stands arrogantly with his hands on his hips. Spike marches up to him.
“Sir, you have offended my lady for the last ti-”
Rarity jumps as a gunshot rings out. Spike falls to the ground holding his left arm, screaming in pain. Jack hunches down next to Spike, with his handgun in his right hand.
“Dude, you were supposed to catch that!” He whispers. Spike turns to Jack Stone.
“How the hell am I supposed to catch a bullet you idiot?!” Spike screams. Jack rubs the back of his neck. He looks over at Rarity who runs off shrieking.
“Alright my bad, tell you what, let’s try this again but I’ll go easier on you okay?”
Spike groans angrily.
“I...I think I should probably just…” Jack places a finger on Spike’s mouth.
“Shhhh, just let uncle Jack take care of everything alright?” Jack slowly slips away.
Spike slowly makes his way up to Rarity. He has an IV bag suspended on a pole with wheels that he pushes in front of him. He also has a bandage on his left arm, with numerous bite mark all over his body.
“H...hey Rare.” He says weakly.
Rare turns around. She opens her mouth to speak, but gets cut off by Jack Stone, seemingly from far away.
“Careful Spike! You don’t wanna get sucked into her massive vag like ants into a vacuum cleaner!”
Spike turns around and gets plowed into by Jack Stone’s police cruiser. Spike rolls onto the windshield. As Jack applies the brakes, Spike goes sailing through a schoolhouse window. Dozens of tiny screams can be heard coming from inside. Spike groans in agony ontop of a table. Jack runs in, wearing a facemask and a red cape. He sets up a tall ladder, climbs it, then jump off while driving his elbow into Spike’s stomach. Spike crashes through the table. Jack scoops up Spike’s arm and pins him to the ground.
“Chief! Give me a three-count!” Jack yells. A fat man wearing a brown suit, with thinning red hair and a weak mustache, comes sliding across the floor. He slaps the ground three times before blowing his whistle. Jack gets up and sticks both arms in the air.
“Yes! World champion!” He yells. The chief puts a belt around Jack’s waist.
Spike lays in the hospital recovering when he receives an anonymous note. The note is created using random letters cut from magazines. Spike gasps as he reads it aloud.
“If you wanna see Rarity again, meet me at Applejack’s barn or else.”
A polaroid falls out, showing an unconscious Rarity, tied to a chair with a gag in her mouth. Spike throws the note to the side, grabs his crutches and starts hobbling to the door.
Spike hobbles up the road as fast as he can. He screams as he sees Applejack’s barn is a raging inferno. He gets as close as he can, but shields his face with his arm. Jack Stone runs up behind him.
“Oh no Spike! Hurry! Come with me!” Jack and Spike climb into his cruiser and speed down the road. Jack swings by Slurpie King and gets two drinks. They drive back to the barn and get out. Jack puts a comforting hand on Spike’s shoulder.
“Good thing we got there in time Spike! I wasn’t gonna pay full price for a slurpie!” Spike motions at the barn angrily.
“What are we gonna do about Rarity and the fire?!” Jack stares at the barn as part of the roof caves in.
“Oh...um, don’t worry Spike there’s other fish in the sea!” Spike growls angrily and charges into the barn. He leaps over fallen beams and dives across scorched hay. He gets to Rarity, unties her, and throws her over his shoulder. Spike kicks open the back doors and rushes out. He lays Rarity on the ground before patting his tail in pain. Rarity groans as she slowly opens her eyes and looks up at Spike.
“S...Spike...you saved me!” She chooes gratefully. She carefully gets to her hooves with Spike’s help. Spike looks at the ground and sighs.
“Rare...I have to be honest with you. I wanted you to like me so bad, I had Jack pretend to be a bully so I could stop him...then things got out of hand. I’m really sorry I just...I really like you!” Rarity puts a hoof to her chest sympathetically. She tilts Spike’s head up.
“Well...I guess one little kiss won’t hurt, will it?” She leans over and gives Spike a quick peck on the lips. Spike’s eyes grow wide as he stands there in shock. Several police cars pull up. Jack suddenly grabs Rarity’s forelegs and cuffs them behind her back. Rarity looks around confused.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Jack Stone shakes his head disapprovingly.
“Making out naked with a minor?! You’re going away for a long time you monster!” Rarity gawks at Jack.
“I’m a monster?! You’re the one running around beating up on a baby dragon and committing arso-” Rarity screams and passes out as Jack pulls out a taser and zaps Rarity. Jack looks at his taser admirably.
“Good old Mr.Sparky.” Jack takes a knee next to Spike and put an arm around his shoulders.
“Sorry the love of your life turned out to be a sick pedophile Spike. Don’t worry though, there’ll be others, and good old Jack Stone here will always have your back.” Spike continues to stare ahead in shock as Applejack runs up.
“What in the sam hell happened to my barn?!” Jack and the chief look over at each other. Jack shoves Spike to the ground.
“Spike did it!” He yells, before everyone hops in their cop cars and drives off.
