My Little Bastard: Fame is Poisonous

“Welcome, Twilight”, Gossip Camera began, while seated on a chair, “Can you describe your experience with the show so far?”

The drunken lavender, blue-maned unicorn dropped a burp. A presentation card appeared in the lower left corner of the screen: “Twilight Albus Sparkle: actress/alcoholic”.

“Oh, let me tell ya, it sure is-Hic-awful!” she slowly replied, almost falling out of her seat, “But hey, as long as I have money and a fuck ton of wine, why should I complain?”

“Excuse me, but I´m not following”, said the journalist, notably interested, “Do you not get along with your companions on set?”

“What, those five bitches-Hic-over there?” Twilight yelled, laughing, “Oh, puh-leease! They´re all insufferable, especially the pink one and her, eh, failed comedian complex. What was her name again? Puke Dye Pie? Pink…..”

Suddenly, the young mare stopped talking and looked to the screen with a lost look.

“Hey!” she laughed, “What a cute little camera! Am I in-Hic-Big Pony?”

“No, Twilight” Gossip Camera said calmly, “You are not in Big Pony. As I told you before, we are recording this for a documentary. Now, I need you to stay focused here. Forget about the camera.”

“But it´s so pretty!” Twilight yelled with a babyish expression on her face.

“Now”, the blue unicorn said, clearing his throat, “What can you tell me about the producers’ decision about you and your companions’ characters having their real names?”

“They said our names sounded catchy enough to make puns with them” Twilight answered with a dumb smile, “Plus, they have a connection with the-Hic-six elements our characters represent in the show.”

“Do you feel ok with that?” Gossip Camera asked.

“FUCK NO!” Twilight yelled once more, “Why do I have to-Hic-associate my name with some stupid bookworm? I don´t even like books to begin with! Hell, I haven´t got time to read a-Hic-miserable e-book lately! But, you know, it´s a show for little girls.”

“And what can you tell me about your action scenes?” the journalist asked, intrigued.

“Oh, they´re painful to record!” the lavender unicorn said, clearly upset, “Since my character became an alicorn around season….5? 3? Oh, who the fuck cares? Anyway, since then I´ve had to record a TON of flying battles hanging from some oxidized-Hic-wires, and we don´t even have enough budget to hire doubles! Besides, those plastic wings are heavy as shit! There was one time I had to rearrange one of my vertebrae and I couldn´t be on set for a whole week!”

“And what do they use for the magical attacks?” Gossip Camera continued asking.

“Well” Twilight began, with her two eyes looking at different directions, “At first we started using some-Hic-practical effects but, from what I understood, we had to replace them with CGI during the middle of season 10 because the studio-Hic-had fired the guy in charge after he started flirting with Mr. Greedy´s-Hic-daughter. I think it´s the same bitch who plays Nurse Redheart, but I can´t tell.”

“One last question” the journalist said, looking at the golden watch he had in his left hoof, “Do you have any plans to act in another show now that this series only has one more episode to end?”

“HA!” Twilight shouted, “Plans? Why should I have them? I´m literally fucking swimming in fucking money! Plus, everyone loves me!”

“Yeah, I can tell” Gossip Camera slowly said with a sarcastic tone. “Well, Twilight, that´s all. Thanks for your time and for being here with us.”

“Aaaww, but I wanted to play with the camera” Twilight yelled, disgusted.

There was a quick editing cut and Twilight disappeared. Now, a small, purple reptilian creature with green scales on its head, back and tail was occupying the chair. Once more, a presentation card appeared in the low left corner of the screen: “Gerald V. Smaugus: actor/suffers from dwarfism”.

“So, Gerald” Gossip Camera said with a jovial tone in his voice, “What can you tell us about your relationship with Twilight Sparkle? Is it true you two were dating?”

“Sure it is” the small reptile said with a deep, hoarse voice, “It happened during the end of Season 10. She arrived drunk to my house one night and told me dragons turned her on.”

“How did you react to that?” the journalist asked.

“Well” Gerald replied, “I didn´t like it since I don´t like getting involved emotionally with my workmates, but she wanted me so much to fuck her that, in the end, I accepted. I didn´t enjoy it at first. In fact, during some brief moments I felt I was being raped, but when she started to moan, I fucking enjoyed it! After that night, we started dating in the old Manehattan Café in secret. At least she said it was in secret, but I know that resentful bitch of Rarity was spying us. Sometimes she called me at dawn to tell me about how she missed me and what kind of fantasies she had dreamed with the two of us in the kitchen, the bathroom or on top of a washing machine.”

“What was the reason behind the breakup?” Gossip Camera nervously asked, trying to hide his unexpected erection.
Gerald sighed and put his right hand on his face.

“It was our fourth year together” he said with a frown, “She told me that it was not going to work, since my small dick didn´t satisfice her anymore. I told her to go fuck herself, and after that we couldn´t stand working together on set, so the writers started to give Spike less and less episodes to avoid confrontations, but at least I could still send my recorded lines for Discord and Tirek. After we recorded the twentieth episode of this season they gave me a check and told me my character wasn´t going to appear in the Heart´s Warming Eve Special-which is going to be the series finale by the way-so I thanked them and I retired.”

“Well”, the blue unicorn said, “Leaving that matter aside, which word would you use to describe your time in the show?”

“I actually had a fun time” Gerald said while rubbing his belly, “It´s a bit sad to leave a kids show I´ve participated in for fourteen years, but it´s time to move to other things. In fact, I´ve already signed a contract with Paranormal Filly studios to star their next summer blockbuster. I can´t give you too much details, but I can assure you it´s going to be a blast.”

Another quick editing cut happened and a red dressed Rarity replaced Spike. The presentation card said: “Rarity Georgina III: actress/former porn star”.

“Moi, spying those two?” The white, purple-maned unicorn said with no interest while filing her hooves, “Nonsense! Why would I spend my time doing such a thing? If she wants to have an interspecies relationship, who am I to judge her?”

“Some of your companions affirm you´ve been having wild, sexual adventures with them lately”, Gossip Camera said.

“And they´re right”, she said without even looking the journalist in the eyes, “You want to know how many of them I´ve slept with? Go ahead, say it! I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am proud of who I am!”

“Don´t you think it´s time to settle down?” the journalist asked with curiosity.

“Darling!” Rarity exclaimed, this time looking him in the eyes, “Who has time for engagements? No one and I mean no one will ever tame this mare! Why do you think I always say I identify myself a lot with my character? She is me! Well, except for the fact that she´s a character created for a much younger audience.”

“Well” the journalist said, looking one more time at his watch, “What will you do now that the show is finally coming to an end?”

“I´ll return to Porn industry” she said while lightning a cigarette, “I have a lot of friends in there who´ve been wanting me back for a while. They also told me that they have their doubts about starting to record right now considering the recent low temperatures, but, you know…. Sometimes, you have to wrap-up winter.”

One editing cut later, a cheerful female pink pony with light cerulean eyes was seated in the chair. “Pinkamena Diane Pie: former comedian/actress/drug addict”, the new presentation card said below.

“Playing such an energetic character like mine-and Derpy as well-can be very stressful” she said joyfully, but at the same time with a nervous laugh, “So I had to start inhaling heroin during season 4 to keep myself concentrated every time we had to make re-shoots during dawn. And once I started, I just couldn´t stop!”

“Have you been treating this addiction of yours?” Gossip Camera asked.

“OF COURSE I HAVE!” Pinkie shouted furiously, grabbing the journalist by the shirt with her two hooves “WHAT, YOU THINK I CAN´T CONTROL IT, YOU IMBECILE?”

“N-no!” the journalist stuttered, genuinely scared, “P-Pinkie, please, let me go!”

Pinkie Pie looked right at the screen with the eyes of a wild beast.

“PUT THAT FUCKING CAMERA OUT OF MY SIGHT RIGHT NOW, YOU UGLY SON OF A….” she screamed, as she tossed the journalist aside and proceeded to try breaking the camera.

There was another quick editing cut and two new presentation cards appeared on the screen: “Apple Jacqueline Taylor: actress/ former bulimic” and “Flutter Anastasia Thompson: actress/singer”.

“When the show started, I had to lose a lot of weight and spend hours trying to master the southern accent my character is supposed to have” Applejack said, scratching her neck with her right hoof. “And to top it all off, some members of the cast started to call me cowgirl.”

“And that was the reason you started to eat less and less?” Gossip Camera asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes” the orange mare sighed, “And the constant exercise wasn´t helping me either. In the end, I had to go to the doctor after I passed out during the recording of season 3´s final episode. It was a tedious, painful recovery and a horrible experience I´ll never forget.”

“Did they stop calling you cowgirl after that?” the journalist hurried to ask.

“No, they didn´t” Applejack replied, trying to suppress the tears that tried to come out of her lacrimal, “And then, things got more complicated. The fights on the set became more and more frequent, especially mines with Angelina.”

“You mean the young filly who portrays your character´s sister, Applebloom?” the brown maned unicorn asked.

“It´s true” Fluttershy added looking at Gossip Camera, then looking at Applejack in the eyes, “Remember that time when she tried to hit you with a plate during one of the kitchen scenes?”

“How could I forget?” the orange mare replied, lifting her blonde mane to reveal a big bruise in her forehead that was still healing.

“What will you do once this show has ended?” the journalist asked.

Applejack thought her answer for a second.

“Honestly” she finally replied, “I have no clue. Only time will tell.”

“I see” Gossip Camera said, “And what about you, Flutters? Can I call you Flutters, right?”

“Sure” the yellow pegasus calmly said, “Everyone does.”

“Ok, Flutters, What does your boyfriend think about all of this?” the journalist asked.

“My boyfriend tends to be very overprotective” she managed to say, “He doesn´t like when I have to interact with one of my male companions to record a scene. But I always tell him that no matter what happens my heart will always belong to him.”

“Do you identify yourself with your character?” Gossip Camera asked, clearing his throat again.

“Sometimes” Fluttershy said, looking in another direction. The question had made her feel uncomfortable, “I guess I´m very shy in real life, although my boyfriend always tells me I´m like a panther in the bedroom.”

The yellow pegasus let out a small giggle while Applejack tried to hide her sudden urge to vomit.

“Did you enjoy your stay in the show so far?” the journalist finally asked.

“I guess” Fluttershy answered, “I can´t say it was perfect, but hey, everything has its ups and downs.”

“Thanks for your time, girls” Gossip Camera said.

Another editing cut took place. A blue, rainbow-colored pegasus with a frown was seated on the chair and a new presentation card appeared: “Rainbow Dash Gonzalez: actress/former bodybuilder/ steroid addict”.

“This show is a waste of my time” she declared with a bit of resignation in her voice, “The only reason I´m still doing this is because I care about the money. And hey, if I need to have some silly tattoo in my butt to sell stupid toys for little fillies so I can get that money, I´ll gladly do it. Truth be told, I won´t miss any of these people, especially that whore of Rarity and her heterosexual problems.”

“So it´s true that you´re homosexual?” Gossip Camera asked, intrigued.

“JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING RAINBOW-COLORED MANE DOESN´T MEAN I´M GAY!” the blue pegasus yelled, “IT´S JUST GENETIC! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU GUYS TO UNDERSTAND?!”

“Applejack, please” Twilight protested, “Turn it off. I don´t want to see more.”

“Well” the orange mare said while clicking the red button in the remote control once more, “It wasn´t as bad as I expected.”

“Are you kidding me?!” the lavender unicorn yelled with anger, “This couldn´t have been worse!”

“Trust me” Applejack replied, looking her in the eyes, “It could´ve been much worse.”

It was then when the lavender mare rose from the sofa and trotted to her bedroom.

“What are you doing?” Applejack asked, preoccupied.

“I´m going to bed” Twilight said, “I´ll need a lot of rest and alcohol if I want to forget all of this.”

“Oh, come on!” Applejack replied, “Don´t you think you´re exaggerating a little?”

“Have a good night, Applejack” the lavender unicorn said with a sharp tone, ending the conversation.

Applejack looked at her former workmate, now roommate, entering her bedroom and closing the door behind her. Then, she let out a long sigh of frustration and turned on the television one more time.