Author's Note
Think of Married With Children & MLP...
Married With Problems...
Married With Problems...
"Love and marriage love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage" Pinkie sang "One thing leads to another like when I
found Spikes babys... other brother".
Her head twists to see you reading her lines "Sorry I can't say anything more then be careful what you wish for cause it could be
a doozy especially after a crazy stupendous super duper bachelorette party...But I Pinkie promised to stay quiet, so I no can do ,
But Apple Jack can, Love and marriage love and marriage".
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Spike walked along the Ponnyville market picking up the daily needs of his little family balancing the bundles of groceries and
supplies for both the crystal castle and his ladys boutique, The sun was shining, Apple Jack was beaming while selling Apples of course
and Pinkie was being Pinkie singing a familiar song when all of a sudden a killing frost froze the town square fountain sending a chill
down everyponies spines especially our hero of the crystal empire.
"What do you know? No twitchy tail or floppity ears!"
Spike entered the crystal castle depositing the supplies into the proper places when he heard his big sister princess boss from behind her voice giddy and full of mirth
"Great news Spike every time Rarity gives birth to one of your foals her life expectancy increases by twenty years by my scientific numerical estimates".
Spike just stared off to the distance and a single tear fell alone to the cold crystal floor he then blinked a few times till Twi continued with the earth shattering news.
"Oh look at you I bet your overwhelmed at the good news, Don't worry telling Rarity about the fountain of youth I already told her.
Well I have no work for you today Casanova see you tomorrow".
The boutique was it's usual mess after the 'Sale of the Century' went bust as Spikes foals lay waste to all her finer wares in front of her buy everything on credit at the cut rate prices during the holiday specials but return them after damaging the merchandise regulars.
"Spikey come here now!" Rarity screamed "See what your little hooligans did to my creations!"
"Why is it when they're good they're your little angels and I get the little Hooligans?" Spike whimpered like the mare whipped dragon he was.
"How dare you question a lady" She bristled "I'll have you know I gave my body to have your foals the lease you should do
is worship the ground I trot on!"
"I would if it'd quit shaking with your every step" Spike whispered.
"What?"
"I worship your every step?" Spike quizzed his fabulously large plotted marsh mellow mare in tight black spandex and stylish tie dyed scarf.
"Come children say hello to your father" Rarity beamed after all she squeezed and squirted these fine draconic specimens into the world that Spike called everlasting Tarnation.
Spike plopped down on the chase lounge his groceries still in the bags as he groped for the Television remote that hid below when the little mob of Ponyvilles abominations from those two who shall not be named entered the living room / studio / warehouse / home, Whatever zoning laws were ignored for profits.
"Shoo bee Doo" sang the twins as they wrestled and roughhoused amongst the others, A little brat cried as she clung to her headless doll her diaper overflowing followed by a trio of half-ling halfwits having a tug of war with a wooden spoon that missed the evenings dish washings of maybe last week. Bringing up the rear was his pregnant princess who thought popularity was more important then getting the license number of the bus load that knocked her up before knocking her out of the park.
The horde descended on the bags of loot reducing the hoard to shredded paper and a cloud of dust. Raritys whines began slowly like a steady wind growing to hurricane speeds, The sound barrier was breached again as her lamentation would rival claws over a chalk board or that brat as that headless doll was taken away from her grubby clutches
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" screeched the pongon .
(That's a Pony-Dragon for you dummies).
"Spikeeeeeeeeeeey where's my bonbons and feminine products? YOU KNOW I NEED MY BONBONS AND MARETEXES!" Rarity whined.
(Here we go for the umpteenth time).
"Daddy Sapphire's touching me!"
(Not this shit again).
"Daddy I found mommies rocket ship!"
(What?!?).
"Daddy I wanted the Ruby that Crimson has, I want it I want it I want it!"
(Oh just kill me).
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
(Yepper that's my girl).
"Spikey I want my bonbons".
(I'll bobbon you alright).
"Daddy Crystal has a new colt friend".
(You can't get pregnant twice can you?)
"Daddy I want another diamond".
(...)
"Daddy can we go to Equestria Land again?"
(It's the local park yeah)
"Daddy Sapphire's touching me!"
(Where? What!)
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
(and she's the genius).
"Look Daddy a box of white mouse toys! Wow!" The dracony read the label "Maretex...Daddy what's MARETEX?"
As we all know dragons are noble and proud creatures never breaking a promise or sacred vow even till death do us part.
And Rarity was a Lady of refinement with the powers of vanity and fashion. Never say never, damn the bonbons full steam ahead.
A scandalous divorce would never suit her. EVER!
Spike took in the macaronic mayhem around him and dreamed of a far away time at a bachelorette party voices as clear as the night was long
"Ride that bull Rainbow!"
"I bet my time was longer"
"It not the time it's how rough the ride was"
"I'll bet a few bits on that! Pinkie girl more cider!"
A single tear fell as Spike watched his hoard or horde settle into a fight for the treasured bonbons. Rarity always had her way it was the standard of the universe that all males learn the hard way, When the wife is unhappy the whole world cries, When a husband's unhappy? Suck it up buttercup no pony gives a frigging road apple.
A knock at the door stopped all hostilities as Rarity told Spike to answer the door.
"I'm a might sorry to drop by all sudden like" AJ spoke softly "It's Rainbow Dash she was ordered on a long deployment with the Wonderbolts and she can't take her foal, and I can't take her in so I brought her here. With Mac and his wife expecting I'm sorry I just don't have the time..."
Rarity stood by her dragon ready to help "Dear Apple Jack we'll be honored to take care of Rainbows foal is her husband unavailable too?"
"Well there's where the rub is Rarity" AJ fidgeted "Rainbow ain't hitched none. . . the foal's Spikes".
A Rainbowed mane dracony peeked from behind the farmers beautiful and well toned flank, Spike knew he'd never hear the end of it from the mare who had the fountain of youth and a grudge to whine about for the added centuries. Twilight and her stupid science thingy! Steam flowed from Raritys ears and her teeth clinched.
"By the way Spike I have to file for foal support as I got my little one to take care of too, Sorry if I kept it a secret from you Rares".
Rarity just smiled at her farm pony friend "After all these years? You are forgiven my dear Applejack after all a few wild oats must be sown from time to time before the home fields are plowed after all we ALL make mistakes don't WE".
Spikes inner dragon trembled as thoughts of what was coming next. Waves of yesterday ebb and flowed through his tormented mind from firm plots and athletic flanks of self assured mares to a whining drama queen with thunder thighs and enough makeup to Bondo the entire Demolition Derby at the weekend of monster trucks, Bachelorette parties of cider and free night life came to a halt to a whining mate and her many hooligan crotch biscuits.
He was snapped out of dreamland with the proclamation from his multiple offspring "Cool! - COMIC BOOKS! and look gems too!"
His prized collection of limited addition power pony comics laid waste. The gems he was saving for a rainy day gone. A single tear fell as his left eye twitched and a snarled smile spread across his scaly lips and she wants a bunch more of these? AJ was gone too but not before the rainbow dracony launched into the air through the room and impacting the opposite wall with a thud and spilling into the bunch of Spikes finest works like a flock of seagulls after a bagel at the beach.
"Spike!" Rarity barked "I need some relief from all this stress, As for your escapades of your youth we shall talk about that later, But for now... You. ME! Bed, Now!"
Rarity trotted past her rampaging angels dragging Spike along behind her giggly flanks by his tail magic glowing all the way to her inner sanctum.
As our hero slipped into the shadows to face another horror in the dark, a war weary snarled smile crossed his snout as he uttered those immortal words heard by all the enslaved males across the whole of Equestria. But sadly they only heard Spike whimper
"Bring it on!"
Spike knew after three or four minutes with the Misses he'd be back to dreamland and escape from todays horror until his Twilight side of his brain caught up to his current situation. More cootch potatoes meant ... Twilights voice echoed through his empty head " Foals, Fountain of youth, TWENTY YEARS EACH!" How many more does she want? A single tear fell to the floor after all he was a noble and proud dragon.
Spike was last seen applying for a second job on the far side of town "I wonder if the Great and Powerful Trixie needs a new assistant for her special trick the deadly Manticore Mouth Dive".
Death please come a knocking upon my door, It's open and you are a welcome relief, Please?
Pretty Please? with a ruby on top?
