Everypony In Equestria Wakes Up Gay

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Sex, Random, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 2524

Please see title. Or, alternatively: everypony in Equestria wakes up gay and must deal with the devastating consequences. There, I hope that explained a bit more.

Please see title. Or, alternatively: everypony in Equestria wakes up gay and must deal with the devastating consequences. There, I hope that explained a bit more.

Seriously, that's it. Succinct is my middle name! (Actually, I kinda wish it was. That would be so cool.)

Published 2017-07-01 04:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-01 04:30:06 UTC

'We'll Have A Gay Old Time '

One day, everypony in Ponyville woke up gay. Just like that.

There wasn't some kind of big magical explosion of awesomeness to indicate the switch, or kind of advance telegram the previous day that such a life-changing event would occur. It just sort of happened.

The basic upshot of it was that the occupants of this particular world in this specific universe woke up fancying the tits off other members of the same sex. It hadn't happened before, and it probably won't happen again.

The first signs that something were amiss were but minor quirks, the sparklers before the fireworks. Mrs Cake woke up next to Mr Cake, and started to wonder what she ever saw in that goofy stallion with his ginger mane and silly bow tie. I mean, I know I got a couple of kids out of him, but... BLEUGH!

Similarly, Cranky Doodle was also having second thoughts about his impulsive shotgun wedding, as he stared in abject horror at the moth-eaten old donkey by the name of Matilda(!) snoring threateningly at his side. What the Tartarus was I smoking when I embarked on a lifelong commitment to this flea-ridden old nag?! I miss my solitude... and having real hair.

As the day wore on, other more visible indications began to emerge that things were not exactly kosher in the neigh-bourhood. Sugar Belle was left outside alone in Our Town when Big Mac never showed up for their pre-arranged date, with even Feather Bangs too busy to see her, composing a heartfelt ballad as he was for that chunk of hunk known as Double Diamond. Or Double Pecs, as he liked to be referred to now. Not that Belle minded too much, though... that dark, mysterious, alluring pegasus they call Night Glider was staring to look hotter with every passing second. Come fly with me, lets fly, lets fly aawwaayy...

Even the most distinguished members of the Mane 6 weren't immune from the growing fad of homosexual impulses. What had begun as a regularly scheduled friendly visit by Applejack to Carousel Boutique quickly deteriorated into something much more seedy and unholy in nature, as the farm pony and Rarity competed to see which one had the best-looking flank in various revealing skin-tight outfits, with copious amounts of leather on display. Electing themselves as the contest judges, of course. Don't expect to see it in the Deleted Scenes section of the menu, either. Spoilsports.

And you can imagine how shocked Fluttershy was when she got a knock on her door while pondering why none of her feathered friends were procreating during their alleged 'mating season'. She opened it up... and there, looking miserable on her beautifully sculptured porch, was a freeloading stallion relative of hers desperate for somewhere to stay. No, not Zephyr Wind for a change, but her now homeless father who'd been chucked out by his wife, cloud collection and all. Thirty years of blissful marriage down the tubes, just like that. What an unimaginable tragedy. Anyway, movin' on...

Eventually, the evening kicked in with absolutely no noticeable abatement from the growing epidemic of gayness and, determined to put an end to this 'sickness' once and for all, resident leader/princess/interfering busybody Twilight Sparkle esq. set up a town-wide meeting. She was already fed up to the back teeth of her student Starlight Glimmer 'accidentally' rubbing against her thighs suggestively in the wide-open castle corridors. The fact that she'd caught her trusted assistant Spike burning a whole load of images of a certain former unicorn crush, only now to replace them in his bedside drawer with stolen photos of her brother Shining Armour taken from the family album, was just about the final straw. And, we know how much equines love straw.

"Order, order!!" She called out to all the assembled faces, most of whom seemed to be suffering in some way or another. Winona and Opalescence had eloped together to live in another nation that understood their love, leaving their respective owners distraught. A whole bunch of spa patrons were most unhappy to discover about the popular building's sudden closure, due to massage master Bulk Biceps's unexpected decision to buy out the current owners with his business 'partner' Iron Will and replace it with a discotheque. The only pair of ponies who didn't seem remotely fazed by all this sexual upheaval were Sweetie Drops and Lyra Heartstrings, sitting next to each other holding hooves as always, looking perfectly innocuous at the developing madness with barely a raised eyebrow.

"What on Equestria is going on?!" Twilight tried to make herself heard above the soporific sound of same-sex simpering and smooching. "Just yesterday, everything was fine... but today, its all upside-down!"

"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's got to stop!" Rainbow Dash had apparently got something major on her mind. "...And speaking of 'upside down', can everypony just quit asking me to fly horizontally on my back through the sky, because you want my mane to blow in the breeze like some kind of special flag. Also Spitfire, you know I have the highest regard for your flight prowess, but could you please cease trying to lick my neck!!"

"I don't mind so much... I'm getting all kinds of requests for delicious cakes I've never made before, with two stallions or mares kissing on the top! How romantic!" Pinkie Pie seemed perky enough, but then another thought popped in her head and her mane suddenly went all lopsided. "...But of course, it won't matter when Sugarcube Corner closes, due to the upcoming divorce and custody battles. Where will me and Gummy go then... it looks like it's back to breaking rocks for me. SOB"

Unable to bear her friends' interminable anguish for another millisecond, Twilight desperately racked her oversized egghead cranium for a solution to this mildly perplexing dilemma. Think, Twily, think. You don't want to call the other princesses, even though you know it's the right choice and they could've cleaned up at least a hundred of the previous friendship problems before this one much quicker than you did. Could it be the spell you cast to make bananas go straight backfired in some unforeseen way? If that's the case, I'm never going to own up to it. Magic Kindergarten class is just going to have to be absent one extra student this semester. Oh, this is almost as bad as when I went all grey and...

A sudden notion popped in Twilight's head at that exact moment, and it was as if everything became crystal clear. Her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed, and the origins of a loud holler sounded from the back of the alicorn's throat. The subsequent aural blast was of such vicious intensity it shook the entire town hall to it's very foundations and frightened all the new courting couples in the audience half to death, too. Poor luvs.

"DDDIIIISSSSCCCOOORRRRDDDD!!"

A few instants after the mini-earthquake subsided, a serpentine puff of smoke blew into the room, and the draconequus in question announced his graceful appearance in front of all these undeserving lower lifeforms with a cheeky snicker.

"Why hello there, Princess Twilight fair! Pray tell, on this most glorious of days are you well, and is there anything we, can do to help ye?" He sung, almost in tune.

The alicorn saw, to accompany his mediocre prose, that Discord was dressed to the nines in Olde Romantic Poet garb, but she wasn't in the mood for any of the hybrid's usual crapola today. She opened her mouth once more, fully ready to chastise the naughty creature for his unbelievable irresponsibility in casting such a dangerous enchantment and to return everything to normal right now, but a single word from his melodic musings pulled her up short.

" 'We'?! " She said questioningly, which was a slightly shorter reply than her extensively pre-prepared lecture.

"Oh yes, pardon me for being so rude and crude..." Discord admonished himself by slapping a claw to his face, before snapping his fingers to summon up a giant green squelchy blob of goo. "I believe you know the Smooze? You met even each at Celestia's charming little jamboree a couple of years back, when Tree Hugger refused my kind offer to send her to the Sock Puppet dimension. Me and him were always friends, but it wasn't until this morning that I realised just what a handsome wad of gelatinous gloop he truly is. It gets kinda lonely in Limbo sometimes, and even some rascally rapscallions like me need some quality company every now and then, am I right or am I right?"

Twilight glanced nervously at the icky, smiling dollop of slime, before quickly turning back to Discord. "W-Well, I-I guess s-so..."

"I hope you realise you interrupted a perfectly wonderful dinner of chocolate soup followed by mashed Breezie wings for dessert, with your selfish request." The draconequus huffed, while carefully adjusting the strings on a lyre he'd bought along with him. "I was just about to sing to the love of my life a self-penned song about all his gooey glory, that may have even gotten me to second base tonight. But, nnooo... Miss Fussy Pants just had to ruin my big moment in the spotlight, and now my fur that would've been delightfully sticky afterwards shall now remain as dry as my wit. Thanks for nothing, your 'Royal cockblock-ness'."

Not quite knowing how to respond to this surprise new partnership of strangeness now, and doing all she could to rid herself of the mental image he'd just described in appallingly graphic detail, Twilight could only murmur in reply: "I-I'm S-Sorry..."

Upon hearing this stammered expression of regret, Discord pulled a raspberry as far as his protracted tongue would allow. That was to say, it wrapped itself neatly all the way around Twilight until the only part left uncovered were her unblinking eyes. "Apology not accepted. Next time you get replaced by an evil changeling in disguise, call somepony else. I've been clearing up your messes for too long Princess, it's about time I made a fresh start with the Smooze I love. Oh, and send my regrets to Fluttershy, if you would. I still regard her as a dear, dear friend, but what can I say? She's just too wild for me with her crazy tea parties and that mad bunny lurking about. Well, see all you fine horsies later! But not soon enough, I hope. Now how did that opening lyric go again... You're my number one slime, I'll love you all the time, you're so full of grime, I hope this ode does rhyme... yes, that's it!!"

And with that, the now fully acquitted draconequus quickly made his exit, leaving Twilight spinning like a top as his tongue untangled itself from her trussed-up form. Now that her key suspect was no under suspicion, the dizzy mare was at a complete loss what to do next. A few speculative ideas entered her rapidly diminishing mindset, each one predictably more ludicrous than the last:

I could try separating the males and females into different parts of the world until they fully recover, but that would surely require too much hard work. Besides, it's Sunday. I might open a conversion camp where all those afflicted by this ongoing malaise would be 'persuaded' to return to normality by extended sessions of enforced isolationism and extensive treatment, but that sounds kind of well, barbaric. What to do, what to do...

It was then that Twilight spotted a still-interested Starlight winking seductively at her from the audience, and the alicorn remembered a common phrase from back in her fillyhood that she'd poo-pooed at the time, but now seemed to carry an awful lot of resonance...

'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.'

"Oh, what the heck..." Twilight threw down her mike and dive-bombed from her rostrum into the crowd, which was now becoming an orgy with every passing second.

Much explicit top-shelf hi-jinx then ensued. Unfortunately, now this is the precise moment we have a time skip. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

........................................................................................................

Boy, it was a wild and crazy night that night. A dirty, hot, sexy, passionate, way-past-obscene, once-in-a-lifetime, kind of night.

Shame none of the ponies remembered a thing about it, though.

Twilight awoke with an elongated yawn to the erratic rising of Celestia's sun (even she must've had some sexy fun the day before) aching in places she never knew she could ache, surrounding by very many red-faced (and buttocked) ponies indeed.

Mares who had barely exchanged a single word before yesterday suddenly found themselves in the most compromising of positions with other females, and stallions who were perfect strangers the day before wanted to know why their mouths had apparently been nibbling on the one part of the anatomy you don't nibble on of their new acquaintances.

All in all, it was a bit of a clusterfuck. And one that, now that everypony had apparently returned to their normal, boring selves, Twilight Sparkle was determined to clean up.

"Listen to me, all of you. Return to your homes or caves or places of residence right now, and let us never speak of this evil ever again. Especially to your colts and fillies... thank goodness we sent them all away to that convenient Summer Vacation Adventure Land which sprung up two days ago so none of them were here to witness this disgrace. And er, let's just hope they were immune to the effects of whatever turned us into temporary deviants, or our therapy bills really will be through the roof."

And, with that stirring speech by their unelected representative, the somewhat mortified ponies trudged out of the now seamy and very steamy town hall in single march. Relationships were silently rekindled, break-up plans were quietly ditched and somewhere in the distance the pained howl of a traumatised draconequus rang through the treetops, as if breaking through the fabric of time and space itself.

Oh, and the discotheque never did quite see the light of day. Sorry, funboys.

As for what caused this twenty-four hour long stretch of unabashed debauchery to unravel, there are a few unsubstantiated theories (get your tin foil hats on, folks). Maybe it was the ponies' innate drive to try something a lil bit different from the norm which made them grow all screwy before they screwed for a bit. Maybe some sadistic higher being from a more advanced civilisation decided to play with their fragile little equine lives in a story, as if the sake of a cheap laugh was worth corrupting an entire merchandising empire for.

...Or maybe it was all just a sordid, squalid fever dream which totally never happened and will be written out as well as contradicted by canon forever more.

Yeah, let's go with that last one. So, forget you ever read any of this... will you?

Author's Note

Your reply: "I only wish I could". Yeah, very funny. :trollestia:

Oh, and this is the first time I ever swore in a fic before. I feel so ashamed. :applecry: