Serious Business

by 2Merr

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Anthology, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Other
Length: 1753

Silly, comedic stories as told by a very serious narrator.

Silly, comedic stories as told by a very serious narrator.

vry srs

Published 2017-07-05 22:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-13 16:40:54 UTC

Blood at First Sight

Princess Luna sat upon her throne, enjoying the dim light and silence around her. Ever since her return from the moon, she found that she preferred quiet solitude over the company of other ponies. However, she was a princess, so it was her duty to allow ponies to come to her directly for help. Thankfully, the night court was far less active than its daytime counterpart. This suited Luna just fine, for she was still unfamiliar with the strange mannerisms of ponies in this new era. She much preferred the old customs.

The peaceful silence was broken when the doors of the throne room were thrown open, the hinges screeching from the strain. Luna watched passively as two of her guards rushed inside, half-dragging a green pegasus stallion between them.

"Your Majesty," the left guard panted, "this stalli-"

"Leave us, guards," Luna interrupted. She was more than capable of handling a petitioner by herself. "I will deal with him."

"But-"

"LEAVE US!"

The guards quickly fled, fearing the power of the Royal Canterlot Voice. When she could no longer hear their clanking armor, she finally addressed her first visitor of the night. He was still face down on the tiles, demonstrating far more etiquette than her guards.

"Greetings, subject. State thy purpose."

The stallion mumbled something incomprehensible.

"Speak up or not at all," Luna warned.

"Princess Luna, please! I'm dying!"

"Greetings, Dying." Luna ignored the odd name, dismissing it as another quirk of modern times. "State thy purpose."

The stallion finally lifted his head, revealing a face darkened by the blood gushing from his eyes. While he had been bowing in respect, a pool of blood had formed beneath him.

"My eyes are bleeding!" he shouted.

Indeed, they were. Quite profusely, in fact. Luna felt a flush come to her cheeks. Was this what it seemed to be? So many of the old customs had been lost to time, but did this one endure through the ages?

"I... I am not sure I am ready for such a commitment," Luna said, feeling uncharacteristically shy. Dying was certainly a handsome stallion, but she knew barely anything about him beyond his name.

"I'm begging you, please help me! It hurts so much!" Dying pleaded with clear longing in his voice.

Luna was completely flustered now, her wings fully extended. She had been approached by suitors in the past, but none that demonstrated such pure, unbridled want. He was even begging to be with her, saying it hurt to be without her.

"Please... " Dying's voice had fallen to a seductive whisper, the light glinting red in his hemorrhaging eyes. "Just put me out of my misery..."

Luna was instantly smitten, her heart pounding in her chest. She tried desperately to catch her breath, her lungs feeling hot and cold at the same time. This stallion made her feel like a little filly with a schoolyard crush.

"O-okay..." Luna breathed, finally finding her voice.

Dying was so happy with her acceptance that he passed out on the spot, a grimace of pure bliss frozen on his face.

Luna shakily rose to her hooves, walking slowly down the steps of the dais. She wrapped the slumbering stallion in a magical embrace and lifted him gently onto her back, savoring the feel of warm blood on her coat. She carried him from the throne room and down the hall leading to her bedchambers, stepping softly to not disturb her prince.

The Enlightenment

"What are you?"
"What the hell?"
"Don't hurt me."

You most likely recognize these lines from the stories your parents used to read to you as foals. Indeed, they are considered essential lessons to learn when growing up. But do you know where they came from? Do you know about the creature that descended upon our world in a streak of fire? Do you know the origins of the Day of Reflection? No?

Would you like to?

Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun, ruler of the day, defender of peace, was performing her morning ritual in the royal garden. She was alone, of course. She dared not risk a mere mortal gazing upon her most holy of forms during the sacred act. Her image as a princess needed to remain pure in the eyes of her little ponies.

Once she had finished bestowing her nutritious blessing upon the garden, she noticed a dark blemish against the morning sky. A fiery object was racing down from the heavens, leaving a black streak through the clouds. Celestia quickly realized the mysterious object was on course to strike Canterlot within moments. Faced with the possibility of the city's imminent destruction, Her Royal Highness acted immediately. Using her alicorn might, she channeled the entirety of the sun's massive power and focused it into a single point at the tip of her horn. With grim determination, she then relinquished her hold on the supercharged spell, unleashing its power to summon a quill and scroll. Now nearly drained of her magical reserves, Celestia began to write.

Unfortunately, in her haste to protect the ponies of Canterlot, she had forgotten to summon ink. This made little difference, however, for the object was much faster than she had anticipated. It struck the ground near her hooves just seconds later, landing directly on top of Celestia's fertile gift to nature.

When the smoke cleared, it revealed a hairless, ape-like creature lying in the center of a fresh crater. It appeared to be male, but Celestia was unable to discern anything beyond that. She stared in awe, wondering what the creature could possibly be. She did not wonder long, for he then whispered the first of many teachings to come.

"Holy shit."

Celestia was shocked. She could feel the great wisdom flowing from his words. This being must have been incredibly powerful, yet he chose to make peace and share his knowledge instead of attacking. Fascinated, Celestia attempted to introduce herself. Unfortunately, the alien creature had already gone to sleep, most likely exhausted from his long journey. Celestia, in her wonderful grace and mercy, brought him to a guest room where he could rest without disturbance.

He slumbered through the entire day and deep into the night. During this time, Celestia informed her sister, Princess Luna, of the wise alien's existence. Luna was understandably wary at first, wanting to at least know the alien's name or the reason for his sudden appearance.

She decided to take a peek into his dreams. In doing so, she was able to glimpse the wonderful creations of his people. Though she was unable to discover his name, Luna believed she had found the alien's reason for coming to Equestria: he must have wanted to share his immense wisdom with other worlds.

When he finally woke up, the alien was very excited. He ran through every hall in the palace, screaming more knowledge at the top of his lungs. Every single pony he met was given their own special nugget of wisdom, shouted directly into their faces.

"Who are you?"

"What are you?"

"Where am I?"

"What the hell is going on?"

"Get away from me."

"Someone please help."

The seemingly endless fountain of wisdom had a general theme: introspection, soul-searching, self-examination. Every piece of advice, every statement of truth, it was all designed to make you think about you.

This day—the second day after the alien's arrival—became known as the Day of Reflection.

The next morning, he was gone. That was the last time he was ever seen by living eyes.

Many ponies have speculated about his sudden appearance and his even more sudden disappearance. Some have denied that he ever existed. After all, how could a single being so drastically alter the landscape of Equestrian culture in merely two days? How could the very foundation of modern pony society be built on the words of someone that was not even a pony?

To the ponies that deny the Day of Reflection, I recommend studying the alien's third teaching to Luna: "Fuck this shit." Meditate on those words, and perhaps you will come to understand just why he left. Why he had to leave. We are not the only ones in the universe, you know. There were undoubtedly many more societies that needed his help. His guidance. His wisdom.

Author's Note

:eeyup: mfw writing this

Lemme know what you think. If it was meh, tell me. I'm a big boy. If it made you go haha funny words, I might do more like this.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

On Dealing With Loss

My master is kind. He does not refer to me as his diary, nor as his journal. No, to him I am simply his friend. I am the paper shoulder for him to cry on when the world does everything it can to tear him down. And it does so constantly.

My master is now in his darkest hour. His old friend Kitchen Stool has been killed, murdered by the twin cheeks of the Sun Tyrant. He screamed for mercy beneath her suffocating presence, but she pretended not to hear. My master heard. He heard Kitchen Stool scream, heard his legs shatter to pieces, heard him slowly fall silent. And the Tyrant laughed.

Master's tears stain my pages as he recounts more of this tragedy. He chose to mourn openly for the loss of his dear friend, yet he received no empathy from the ponies. They said he was being childish, that he could simply make another one. The Tyrant herself claimed Kitchen Stool was not alive to begin with. Those heartless monsters will never understand.

The Ascension of Applejack and Rainbow Dash

Princess Twilight Sparkle ascended when she gained a complete and total understanding of all things magic. In the process she was granted wings, becoming an alicorn. Thus began the reign of the Princess of Magic.

Not long after, Princess Applejack ascended when she gained a complete and total understanding of all things apple. In the process she was granted wings, becoming a pegasus. Thus began the reign of the Princess of Apples.

The ascension of Rainbow Dash occurred many years later. She flew at such a speed that the laws of the universe were forced to rewrite themselves to better fit within the frame of her impossibility. In the process she was granted wings, becoming a double pegasus. Thus began the reign of the Princess of Going Fast.