When In Doubt, Blame Fancy Pants
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How I Learned Your Mother Was Hot

When In Doubt, Blame Fancy Pants

Thud! Thud!

A carved wooden door gently swung open as Twilight Sparkle raised a hoof to strike again. "We have a buzzer, you know," a feminine voice said from inside.

"I love you too, mom," Twilight said with a smile, stepping forward and reaching a hoof up in a hug.

The creamy, middle-aged unicorn in the threshold stepped into the embrace, purring contentedly. "It's really something, seeing one of you kids home for once," she uttered, rolling her eyes but not pulling away.

"Sorry." Twilight rubbed her face against her mother's neck, warmly drinking in the scents of her foalhood home. "When you're royalty, life is, well... you know..."

"If I were any other mother in Equestria, no, I wouldn't," Twilight Velvet said with a note of exasperation. "Now come inside! I have to go turn over the potatoes, and I'm sure your dad would like someone new to pester about the latest season of Star Whatever."

As if on cue, a dark blue unicorn with a curly mane stepped through a side door, beaming when he saw the princess. "Heya, Twi! Glad you could visit!"

Velvet rolled her eyes and made for the kitchen. "Have fun catching up."

Twilight and her dad stared after the retreating mare, before turning to look at each other. Twilight grinned. "Heya yourself, old stallion."

"Old stallion?" Night Light held a hoof to his chest in mock mortification. "What have they been feeding you down in Ponyville, huh?"

"Only the best," Twilight said with a smirk. "So, mom says you've got a new season of Star Whatever to tell me about."

"Oh, her..." Night Light lazily waved a hoof. "Last week, she actually called our Neighflix subscription a waste of money. Can you believe that girl?"

Twilight was about to make a snarky response when Night Light interrupted, clearly not done yet. "So, there's this new dramedy I've been watching. It's about these three mares who work for an upscale salon. Hooves and Hooficures, they call it. Have you seen it?"

Twilight blinked. "Uhhh... Dramedy? Is that even a word?"

"Of course it's a word!" Night Light somehow managed to yell without raising his voice a decibel. "Anyway, I think you'd really like it. Care to watch the season premier with me before dinner?"

"You've already seen that twice!" Twilight Velvet's exasperated voice called from the kitchen.

Night Light shrugged innocently. "Well, it's not my fault we interrupted the first time to go to your charity concert! I watched it again because I wanted to see it all in one piece!"

"Errm..." Twilight glanced around nervously. "I don't suppose Shiny and Cadence are here yet?"

"Oh, good point." Night Light brought a hoof to his chin. "Maybe they'd want to watch too... oh well! We can always start over if they show up late. Actually, there was this new space opera I really wanted to show Shiny..."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, dad, if this is how you want to spend time with me, then let's watch it. Okay?"

"Hey, you don't need to tell me twice!" The middle-aged stallion slowly puttered into a darkened, adjacent room. "Hey, Twi?" he called back. "Mind fetching me a cider while I queue it up?"

"No problem, dad," Twilight snorted, trotting into the kitchen.

There, Twilight Velvet stood with her hooves on the counter, busily chopping carrots with a mouth knife while mixing a bowl of dough with her magic. "Remind him that this is the last pack before we need to get more," she said nonchalantly, splitting her aura with the degree of multitasking only a mother could manage and pulling a bottle from the refrigerator, floating it over to Twilight.

"Thanks, mom." Twilight took the bottle in her own aura and stepped over, giving her mother another hug from behind. "It smells really good, by the way."

"Thanks, sweetie," Twilight Velvet said, spitting out the knife long enough to lean over and give Twilight a kiss on the forehead. "It's not every day we get the whole family back together for a meal, after all."

Twilight peered around at the ingredients on the counter, leaning up to look into a bubbling pot. "Some kind of soup?"

"That's the filling for a mushroom and leek turnover," her mother answered, not turning away from her work. "And we're having a raspberry flan for desert. It's your brother's favorite-"

"Twilight! Movie's starting!" Night Light's voice called from two rooms over.

Twilight blushed, beginning to turn towards the door. "I'd better go. Interrupt us if you need anything!"

Twilight Velvet merely sighed to herself, listening to her daughter's clambering hooves as the vat of gravy bubbled warmly in her ears.

Twilight bowed elegantly before her father, pretending to be a waiter from some posh restaurant. "Your drink, mister Light."

"Oh, you..." Night Light lightheartedly swung a newspaper at her, and she jumped away laughing.

"Hey!" Twilight squawked, giggling and withholding the cider. "No attacking the staff!"

Night Light slowly raised an eyebrow, sliding over the cider in his telekinesis. "Well, then, I guess it's a good thing we're both patrons. Your mother's the one who does all the work around here."

"I heard that!" Twilight Velvet's voice called from the kitchen.

"And we love you for it, sweetie!" Night Light called back. He looked at Twilight and rolled his eyes. "Mares, am I right?"

Twilight rolled her eyes back. "Just start the show already, dad."

So he did. A colorful theme song rolled, filled with dancing and animation, during which the room was silent. But no sooner had the actual episode started when Night Light asked, "So, you're pretty busy back in Ponyville, huh?"

"Mmmhm," Twilight answered, nodding without taking her eyes from the screen.

"Got a lot of responsibilities?" Her father was turned toward her, casually not even looking at the TV.

"Mmmhm," Twilight repeated, watching as the presumably-protagonist got fired from her job as an office clerk.

"Hooked up with any nice mares lately?"

"Mmmh - wait, what?" Twilight's jaw dropped, and she turned to look at her father, flustered. "Dad!"

"I was just asking!" Night Light protested with a shrug, holding up his forelegs. "Because-"

Twilight Velvet appeared in the doorway wearing a stained apron and holding a mixer in her aura, cutting him off. "Honestly, Nighty! Twilight can date whoever she likes. Besides, there's nothing wrong with stallions."

"Stallions-? Hold on." Twilight stood up, separating her parents by spreading her wings. "What?"

Night Light leaned around her to make eye contact with his wife. "Sure she can! Besides, you've already got grandkids from Shiny!"

Twilight lit her horn, standing authoritatively. "All right, this is making me slightly uncomfortable and I'd very much appreciate knowing what it's all about."

Her mother nervously waved her hooves, mouth drawn in a cutthroat grin that begged her not to ask.

"Mom?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. When the shaking intensified, she turned the other way. "Dad?"

"I was just asking!" he said innocently. On the TV in the background, a hooffight broke out between two pegasi as the protagonist waited in a long line at a bank.

Twilight Velvet stared dangerously at him for a moment... then disappeared back into the kitchen when something began to whistle.

"So..." Twilight began after a moment, as the protagonist braved a brazen display of kung fu to apply for a loan. She raised an eyebrow, letting that do the rest of the talking.

"So?" Her dad shrugged. "I just figured since you had all those marefriends in Ponyville, maybe you hit it off with some of them! Who was that colorful one who was zooming around at your coronation, again? She was pretty hot."

"Dad..." Twilight blushed. "I am not having an affair with Rainbow Dash."

"Aww. That's a shame." Night Light yawned and drank deeply from his cider as the protagonist attempted to navigate a road closure due to construction. "She reminded me of someone I used to know."

"Did she, now?" Twilight said idly, watching as the protagonist descended into a sewer to use the tunnels to bypass the construction.

"Mmmhm," Night Light answered.

On the TV, a crocodile surfaced from the sewer river, promptly devouring the protagonist's bag of bits from her loan.

"Hey, did I ever tell you the story of how your mother dated another mare in college?"

Had Twilight been drinking, she would have done a spit take. She turned to her dad, face gradually reddening. "E-Excuse me?"

Twilight Velvet appeared in the doorway again, face that of someone who might accidentally bake a rock into their husband's dinner.

"Mmmhm," Night Light continued as the protagonist kneeled, bawling, on an underground walkway.

"I don't believe," Twilight said slowly, ears torn between furiously flattening and perking in morbid curiosity, "I've ever heard this story!"

Night Light shrugged. "As I always say, the three keys to a healthy lifestyle are eating your vegetables, getting plenty of sleep, and smokin' hot mare-on-mare action."

"D-Dad!" Twilight blushed harder, unable to turn away. "Mom? Is he pulling my tail?"

Her mother sighed in exasperation, pacing forward until she could rest a hoof on Twilight's back. "The important thing is that I've been a perfectly loyal, loving wife and mother ever since we were married."

Twilight's blush intensified. "That's not a no..."

"Ughh..." Twilight Velvet rolled her eyes and turned back to the kitchen. "With a reaction like that, you'll never rest until you know. Just remember that whatever he tells you is saucier than what really happened." She turned to glare back at her husband. "At least don't show her the pictures this time, okay?"

Night Light belched, setting aside his cider. "Sure thing, honey. Hey, maybe we should put some background music on. So anyway, there I was, a senior at CSGU..."

I pushed open the creaky old door to Celestia's study and waved a flashing pager charm, bowing pre-emptively. "Princess Celestia."

Celestia raised a hoof, sitting at a tall oaken desk. "Hello, Night Light."

"You asked to see me?"

"Hmm! I might have done that." Celestia turned in her ornate chair and beckoned a burly pegasus waiting nearby. "Bow, this is Night Light. Night Light, I'd like you to meet Bow Hothoof, your competitor."

Bow strolled forward, his obviously-dyed rainbow mane striking... almost a pleasant contrast against the sunlight that beamed through Celestia's study. He extended a hoof gruffly to meet me, though a smile bounced beneath his exterior.

"Hey there, mister Light," he greeted, shaking my half-extended hoof. "Leader of Cloudsdale Academy's number one art team, here to scope out the competition!"

I rolled my eyes, making sure not to break eye contact. "Oh really, now?"

The buff pegasus smirked back. "Talking trash already? I've gotta warn you, we're the best at that, too." He then proceeded to ruffle my curly mane.

Standing still, I took it with a raised eyebrow aimed squarely at the princess.

"My little ponies," Celestia coughed, clearing the air. "Before you get too competitive, I would like to remind you all that this is an art competition. There will be plenty of time for grandstanding later, but the point is to be beautiful... and make friends. I was hoping you two could get to know each other before the festivities start to set a shining example for all the other little ponies."

Figuring I'd give Celestia my best effort, I shrugged and flashed Bow my most winning smile. "I can do that."

He nodded so vigorously it was practically a bow. "Absolutely. Best friends for life. Name's Bow Hothoof, but I'm pretty sure her majesty already said that." He stopped to wink at Celestia.

"Excellent," Celestia said, turning back to her desk. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must finish these release records before it comes time to start the Night Court..."

Bow and I walked side by side out of the office, he matching his pace perfectly to my own. Once several steps away, I stopped and shrugged. "Well?"

The pegasus shrugged back. "It's your school, bro. You know it best."

"Yes, but..." I stopped and coughed. "Aren't you the guest? What is it you came here early to see?"

Bow flared his wings and flapped once. "The competition, yeah? Our team?" He stopped and solemnly placed a hoof over his chest. "Pretty much the best thing ever. But your school? It has the Princess! I wanna see what your top players look like!"

"Wouldn't that be an undue advantage?" I asked, already turning down the hall leading farthest away from where I knew our team would be practicing.

"Hey, bro." Bow placed a cooling hoof on my shoulder. "You're the leader of the Canterlot team? You can let the entire team come check out mine when they arrive tomorrow morning. Besides, it's an art contest! We don't have to see all the secret presentations, I just wanna meet some cool ponies. You dig?"

I shrugged and turned around, going in the right direction. "As you wish."

Minutes later, we were standing in a room full of mare-sized ponnequins, all dressed in colorful, revealing swimwear. "Gentlecolts!" came an enthusiastic voice from somewhere in the maze, and another stallion came trotting out.

I nodded politely. "Fancy Pants. This is Bow Hothoof, and we-"

My vision was cut off by Bow's wings, which had unfurled sharply in front of me. He paced stiffly over to the nearest ponnequin, staring unblinkingly. "Woooooah. These have to be the hottest. Outfits. Ever."

Fancy Pants chuckled. "I'm glad you like them, old boy. And I do assure you, they'd look much better if they were actually being worn. Now, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I am being shown the competition," Bow whispered, transfixed. "And the competition. Is. Gorgeous."

"He's the leader of the Cloudsdale team," I offered, seeing Fancy Pants still confused. "And he's offered to let the entire Canterlot team come see his before the show, so I accepted his request for a tour."

"Hmm!" Fancy Pants adjusted his monocle with a hoof, beaming at the reddening pegasus. "Well, so far this seems to be a good sign, wouldn't you say?"

I nodded as Bow continued to freeze, eyes flitting between the many suits. "It can't be bad, right?"

"Although..." Fancy Pants' voice lowered conspiratorially as he leaned toward my ear. "I daresay it would go much better if you could find me some mares willing to model these."

That snapped Bow from his trance like a cannon blast. "You mean you've got nopony to wear these!?" he asked, dismay flooding across his face. "B-But... but..."

Fancy Pants shrugged sadly. "Unfortunately, it seems the upper circles of Canterlot's female elite are, for lack of a more dignified term, a 'bunch of prudes.' I'm sure the lower classes have an abundance of beautiful mares who would be perfectly willing to flaunt their bodies in front of an audience, but alas, I've yet to breach contact with any of them."

"Pffft!" Bow flung a hoof through the air. "Forget that, guy! Me, right here?" He pointed importantly to himself. "Captain of the Cloudsdale team. I've got the names of at least a dozen disqualified mares who'd do anything to be a part of this contest, even if it meant playing for the other team. And twice as many who I'd just like to see in a swimsuit! Besides, pegasi are hot."

"Excellent! And that they are." Fancy Pants raised a hoof, bumping it hard against Bow's. I looked on, having a vague feeling that something illegal was happening, but couldn't deny that these two were making fast friends, as Celestia had requested. Celestia... if she found out about this, though... I shrugged. Hopefully she swung both ways.

Many promises and hoofshakes later, we exited Fancy Pants' studio, Bow's cheeks still flushed and my mane slightly frazzled. I brushed it back into place with a hoof as we rounded a corner, approaching the next door.

"Hold up!"

We stopped short before the door, looking down to find the source of the voice. A khaki pegasus filly stared defiantly back up at us, wings spread and posture aggressive. Bow blinked and smiled. "Well, hello, there!"

The filly danced a fighting dance, swinging her hooves at an invisible punching bag. "I mean it! You're coming no further this way!"

I looked lazily back down at her. "Daring, what are you doing?"

She froze, face suddenly cracking into a mask of glee... and rushed at me, wrapping my foreleg in a full-body hug. "You remembered my naaaaame!"

Bow raised an eyebrow. "That's a problem around here?"

"When you try to get an unofficial name change, it is," I said with a shrug. "Daring, can we see Twilight?" I knelt down to her eye level. "This is Bow Hothoof from Cloudsdale. I'm giving him the tour."

"Nope." Daring solemnly shook her head and backed up, spreading her forelegs until she was completely barring the closed door. "I'm writer's block!"

"Buh?" Bow scratched at his head.

"Means I block others from bugging Twilight while she's writing," Daring said, sticking out her tongue. "That includes you guys. So take a hike!"

"Ha ha..." Bow backed off, chuckling. "You're feisty! When'll she be done, then, kiddo?"

Daring drew her little hooves in a big circle. "Forever! Or after the big competition."

I knelt down again. "Daring," I whispered, "if you let us in, I will buy you a churro at the cafeteria."

She looked at me like a wounded puppy, but I held my gaze, refusing to rescind the offer. After a few seconds, she said, "Two churros."

"Two churros."

Guiltily, Daring turned and opened the door. "Sorry, Twilight!" she called ahead of us as it swung open. "They bribed me to betray you!"

Inside, an ivory mare shot straight upright, slamming closed a book on her desk and throwing down a quill. "Who-!?" She whirled on us, cheeks bright crimson. "Oh, Night Light! Sorry. Still... nothing. Who's this?"

"Bow Hothoof." Bow introduced himself, bowing. He then pointed admirably to Daring. "Is she your sister? Best treacherous little guard ever. I mean it."

"Uhhh... thanks?" Daring looked up dubiously at him.

Twilight sighed, placing a hoof on her chest as she waited for her rapid breathing to still. "No. Godsister, legally. My parents more or less adopted her. Amy, please show them a seat?"

"Awww!" the little pegasus pouted. "I told you, I changed my name! I'm Daring Do now!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "You are not. Now please do what I said."

"Hmmph." Daring Do stuck her tail huffily in the air and swaggered towards a nearby couch. "Well, mom, if you're gonna call me that, then I'm gonna call you something that bugs you, too! And they owe me two churros, so I'm on their side now!"

Sighing in exasperation, Twilight got up and paced toward Bow and myself. "Is there anything I can get you?" she asked with a strained smile. "Because that deadline isn't getting any further and I still just have the worst case of writer's block, so..."

"Cloudsdale Academy," Bow announced, giving her a pegasus salute. "Nighty here is giving me the tour. Best tour-giver ever, you know?"

"Nighty?" I raised an eyebrow.

Bow shrugged. "Would you prefer Sir Nightsalot?"

"Heeheehee!" Daring giggled from where she sat nearby. "I like that one, Sir Nightsalot!"

I groaned inwardly.

"Well..." Twilight put on her best awkward smile, carefully blocking her desk with her posture. "I wish I had something to show you, Bow, but I really am suffering from... ungh, the worst case of writer's block right now, and I have nothing to show! Nothing! Hee!" She leaned into his face for the last few words, then drew back apologetically. "Don't worry, don't worry, I'm working on it. Maybe you should get Amy her churros, though? Don't want to keep the filly waiting!"

"Moooom," Daring groaned from the sidelines.

Bow curled a lip in disappointment. "You've really got nothing right now?"

"Please don't remind me," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "If you don't mind, though..."

"Of course we don't." I nodded sagely, backwalking out of the room. "Come on, Daring."

The filly stuck her tongue out at Twilight, who waved politely yet impatiently back as we left. The moment the door was closed, Daring shushed both of us and pressed an ear to the door.

We both raised eyebrows at her.

"Writing already," Daring said with a shrug. "Pretty furiously, too. I dunno what she means about being stuck. She's gone through three whole books in the last two days!"

Bow and I shrugged back. "As long as she's in time for the competition," I replied.

"Yeah," Bow added. "Best procrastinator ever. If only it was a writer's block contest, you guys would have it in the bag!"

"Oh well!" Daring broke away and started prancing down the hallway. "Follow me, slowpokes! Last one there has to buy me a smoothie, too!"

"So that's it?" Bow asked, waving hoof as he bit off the end of a churro of his own. "That's what Canterlot's got, huh?"

We sat at a stone table near the edge of CSGU's massive dining commons. The area was an open atrium, roofed by a solid balcony followed by a retractable magic shield in the center that allowed natural light and breezes to filter through.

I shrugged back. "Well, the rules are to bring a team of three. Two complimentary exhibits and a captain. You have the same, of course?"

"Oh, yeah, of course." Bow leaned back, stretching. "Speaking of which, I've gotta get back sooner or later. Make sure the squad all arrives in one piece, you know?" He merrily raised an eyebrow, swallowing the rest of his food in one bite.

"Hey, you pig!" Daring Do called from nearby, where she was sprawling in an installed bed of grass and suckling her own churro. "Make those last! They're expensive!"

Looking down at her, I flipped a coin in my hoof. "No, they aren't. Two bits isn't expensive."

"Then will you buy me another?"

"I sure will," Bow interrupted, wiping his mouth with the back of a hoof. "Best Canterlot food ever. Gotta get another of these for the road!"

Daring's eyes lit up. "Sweet!" Then she mimicked the older pegasus and stuffed the remainder of hers into her mouth, downing it in one gulp.

I snorted, standing up with them. "I do hope Twilight finishes, though," I muttered. "She was very impressive during the qualifiers. I judged her work myself. I'd feel much better about our chances knowing that she was going strong."

"What are you talking about? She's going perfectly strong!" Daring protested, scurrying alongside me. "Didn't you hear me say how much she's been writing lately?"

"Hey." Bow ignored her, patting my shoulder with a large wing. "Don't feel bad, buddy. Cloudsdale? Number one for sure. But hey, I'm sure you'll give us a run for our money!"

Bristling slightly, I took one step away. "We have no intention of giving up or losing, I assure you."

Bow laughed back. "Trash talking already?"

"A-hem!" Daring Do coughed loudly and fluttered between us. "Do you mind buying my food before you beat each other up? If I have to do it myself afterward, I might be convicted of corpse robbery for taking your money!"

Bow and I looked at each other, then at her. "Corpse robbery?" we asked simultaneously.

The filly shrugged back at us. "Just being cautious." Her eyes brightened. "It'd be pretty cool though, right? I bet this cafeteria has never had an epic kung fu battle before!"

A wrinkled janitor passing behind us perked his ears at that, hobbling two steps closer. "You'd be surprised, kid," he said with a wry smile before turning and continuing on his way.

More glances were exchanged, after which we decided it was best to get the churros and leave.

"But seriously, though," Bow said as we walked. "What kind of act coordination have you guys got? Unless miss mare's writing about swimsuits and hot bods, it's like your acts have nothing to do with each other!"

I held a hoof to my chin, trying to formulate an answer to that. The real answer, of course, was that they didn't have anything to do with each other. CSGU was a school primarily based around magics, with a side of politics and administration. Its science department was something of legend, but its art scene consisted of hobbyists and things the science ponies took up as de-stressors. Granted, Cloudsdale Academy was mostly known for its athletics program, so hopefully both schools would be at an equal disadvantage.

Bow answered for me, his thoughts clearly not willing to wait. "Oh, or you could have that author read her stuff out while wearing the swimsuits!" He elbowed me suggestively. "Would that be hot, or would it be hot?"

"Her name is Twiliiiiight!" Daring protested, flying in circles around our heads. "Or sometimes mom!"

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss our game plan," I finally said. It was obviously an excuse, but Bow was too polite to press. Nodding, he spread his wings and prepared to fly away.

Daring tilted her head at him. "What are you doing?"

"Heading back to Cloudsdale!" he said with a grin. "And next we meet, you'll get to see what a real team looks like!" Swooooosh!

The filly extended a hoof to stop him, when... Thudddd! He crashed into the invisible barrier above the atrium cafeteria and plummeted to the ground in a disorganized heap.

"I told you," she chided, flitting over to where he was rubbing his muzzle.

"Oww..." Bow groaned, straightening his wings. "Best... invisible... wall... ever..."

I had to deliberately stop myself from chuckling. "The exit is this way, last I checked."

"Cheeky." Bow got to his hooves, shaking off the worst of the impact. "Welp. See ya."

The next day dawned earlier than it needed to, in my opinion. Granted I was an evening pony... could have even been nocturnal, if I wanted. But that was my lot in life. Making sure my mane was presentable and locking the door to my school apartment behind me, I shrugged and made my way to the school courtyard, where I was to meet the Cloudsdale team.

True to their word, there they were, four pegasi standing proudly arrayed on the lawn outside the thermodynamics building. I could tell from their statures that Bow was the only stallion among them, which somehow failed to surprise me.

"Hey, there!" Bow waved loudly to me in the distance, apparently seeing no reason to delay. "Sir Nightsalot!"

I grimaced, walking closer. "Really?"

"Sir Nightsalot?" a freckled pegasus with a huge, spherical mane asked, flapping up and landing squarely in front of me. "That is a fine name! It's so... Canterlot! I can just feel your city's culture already!"

Enthusiastically, she grabbed my hoof with her own and began shaking rapidly. "I'm Windy Whistles, and I'm playing for Cloudsdale!"

"Erm... no..." I tried futilely to separate myself from her vibrating forelimb. "It's Night Light! My name!"

Bow came trotting up alongside us. "I see you've met our newest contender." He nodded sagely. "A little late to the scene, but the pony she replaced, Forked Lightning? Best excuse-maker ever. Forky wanted out, and nothing I could say would keep her in."

I coughed politely. "What a shame."

"Don't you know it!" Windy Whistles winked at me, leaning back and forth. "She was out faster than a bouncer can kick you out of a nightclub!"

"I'm... afraid I don't know it, no." I cringed; this wasn't where I wanted the conversation to go. "So... who's the other, then?"

Bow nodded appreciatively at the mare who had chosen to walk to where we were. "Photo Finish. I think her name should make it pretty apparent what she does."

I raised an eyebrow. Photo wore a long, black dress that did such a good job of covering her wings, she was practically in disguise as an earth pony. Pegasus attire usually liked to show those off... but it wasn't my place to question. "Well, ladies?" Bow beckoned toward the broad double-doors. "I think it's time to introduce you to the Canterlot team..."

Eventually, the four of us stood in Fancy Pants' studio, along with the designer himself and a very antsy Twilight Velvet. Daring Do was lurking somewhere nearby, but none of us could see her.

Fancy Pants was smugly standing to the side, watching as the Cloudsdale mares examined his collection of swimwear. "Sexy!" Photo Finish loudly proclaimed, holding a piece at length and snapping a picture, before throwing it at Fancy. "You pose!"

The stallion didn't miss a beat, dangling the colorful thing in his aura while standing cheekily on three hooves, looking away as if distracted.

"Her vocabulary's a little limited," Bow explained, strolling up alongside me, "but she can frame a shot like nopony's business. Best photographer ever."

"Twilight?" I asked, leaving them to their business. The ivory mare was standing alone in a corner, shaking slightly from nerves or anticipation. "This would be a good time to socialize. Make the most of your break?"

"I can't," she answered breathlessly, eyes wide and unblinking. "Too much to write! Brainstorming. Leave me alone."

Windy Whistles, meanwhile, was shuffling through assorted attire, her freckled face lighting up further and further. "These are all fantastic!" she proclaimed, standing upright and holding a piece up in front of her. "Ooh, can I try this one on?"

"Well, I suppose," Fancy Pants coughed. Leaning aside to Bow, he cupped a hoof around his muzzle and said, "Old bean, I don't suppose you managed to make that army of hot mares materialize out of thin air for me? I can't rightly expect these to go to our actual competitors, surely!"

"I gotcha covered," Bow assured, brushing off his shoulder. "But maybe you should ask her what her act is first!"

"Very well, I'll bite." Fancy Pants coughed in the direction of a changing stall where Windy had very deliberately left the door open. "Miss Whistles! What have you, erm, brought to the competition?"

"Who, me?" Windy leaned out, a loose strap dangling in her mouth. "I swim!"

Fancy Pants narrowed his eyes and glanced aside at Bow. "That's an art form?"

Bow chuckled and nudged his shoulder. "It is when she does it."

"It's like flying in slow motion," Windy Whistles proclaimed as she danced out, the suit hugging her supple, well-toned body in a perfect fit. "Watch this!"

She flung herself up into the air, backstroking in slow-motion circles that would have been graceful had she not been frantically flapping to maintain altitude. She pulled into a corkscrew, then a loop-de-loop, then a nonstop barrel roll, all the while maintaining a daydreamy, innocent facial expression. Photo Finish smiled approvingly, Fancy Pants' jaw was dropped, and Bow gave a knowing smile as his wings flared. "Now imagine that... in water."

Twilight, meanwhile, was vibrating uncontrollably, growing redder by the second. At last, she exclaimed, "I have to use the bathroom!" and darted from the room, slamming the door behind her in a burst of telekinesis.

"Wowza. What's her problem?" Daring asked, hovering out of a rack of clothing and settling onto my head, folding her hooves. "This lady's awesome! I could watch her all day!"

"She is also the competition," I muttered out of the corner of my mouth, skillfully denying that Windy Whistles was, in fact, extremely attractive.

"Heh heh..." Bow trotted up to me. "Still worried that we'd rip you off for showing us your tricks early? This is practically a full show!" Cupping his wings to his mouth like a megaphone, he called, "Hey, Windy! Hottest pre-show ever!"

"Thank youuuuuu," Windy Whistles purred, coming into a slow glide back to the ground.

"So, uh," Bow said after a few seconds of silence. "The show starts in about an hour. You guys wanna show us what your other brought to show?" He gestured toward the empty corner where Twilight had been standing moments earlier.

I cleared my throat. "As far as I know, she is, sadly, still working."

Fancy Pants nodded. "Indeed she is, old boy. And I do hope she has something to show for it! That mare's way with words is, well, somewhat exquisite."

Windy Whistles' wings popped out. "A way with words? Are you having her do what I hope you're having her do?"

"Twilight Velvet," Fancy Pants said, primly adjusting his monocle, "is an aspiring young author! She'll be preparing a piece of fine literature for our show tonight."

"And reading it in those panties!" Bow pumped a hoof in excitement.

Fancy Pants blushed. "These, my good fellow, are swimsuits. Nothing nearly so derogatory! Besides, even if Celestia herself let us get away with such an act, I have no doubt that such attire would completely ruin the mood of her piece! You wouldn't have us throw our chances of winning for a couple of cheap, sexy digs, would you?"

"I sure wouldn't mind," Bow chuckled.

"Awww," Windy Whistles pouted. "So you mean to say she's not modeling these wonderful clothes?" She twisted to show off another part of Fancy Pants' outfit.

"She would make a good model!" Photo Finish loudly interrupted. "Very nervous! Excellent for awakening desires in the audience!"

The silence that followed was appropriately awkward. Eventually, fidgeting with a strap of her suit, Windy said, "So then, what is she writing?"

Fancy Pants and myself turned uncertainly to each other. "We... don't know," we said in sync. "Miss Velvet is, you see, not exactly in the mood to share her creations."

I nodded. "She has writer's block. She should be able to pull it together in time for the competition."

"That's not true!" protested a little voice from atop my head. "I told you guys, she's been writing like crazy!"

I looked up. "Daring?"

The filly smirked back down at me, inches from my eyes. "Interested in another bribe, mister stallion? I could totally steal her books, if you wanted to read them..."

"A bribe?" Windy marched over, stretching upward until her face was right next to Daring's... and, by uncomfortable extension, my own. I could feel her strawberry-scented breath as she spoke. "You have got to be the most adorable extortionist ever! So, what'll it be?"

"If you want more churros, I'm down!" Bow offered, withdrawing a hoofful of bits.

"Actually..." Daring fidgeted, before pulling out a thick, well-used tome and tossing it to the floor. "I was sorta hoping you could just tell me what half these words mean."

Windy blushed, squeeing. "And you're a thief, too!" She turned to Fancy Pants, ruby eyes sparkling. "You should make her a cape and a mask!"

The unicorn chuckled, shaking his head and turning to the book. "I, my good madam, would much rather find out what our Twilight's been up... to..." His pupils shrank. "Oh, my!"

"What is it? What is it!?" Windy bounced over to his side, eager.

"I've gotta say, I'm pretty intrigued to-" Bow cut off immediately on reading his first line. "Woah."

"Well? What's it mean?" Daring asked impatiently from my head. "I wasted hours trying to read that thing!"

All three ponies reading were leaning close together, excitement replacing the shock on their faces. Both pegasi had their wings flared.

I was just about to inquire what it was myself when Windy cut me off. "I had no idea unicorn horns did that! Oh, I wish I had learned this earlier! Maybe I could have averted my last breakup!"

"It's true," Fancy Pants muttered, not tearing his eyes from the page. "I can personally confirm that the horns of mares do do that when licked."

"Turn the page," Bow whispered, transfixed. "I need to know what happens next!"

Mildly uneasy, I tapped a hoof. "Gentlecolts? Might I inquire as to what this is all about?"

Fancy Pants stood up, blushing, allowing Photo Finish to sneakily take his place. "Nighty, old boy," he said slowly and excitedly, "I do believe we've discovered the reason for miss Velvet's so-called 'writer's block.' It would seem the good mare has discovered herself a much more pressing, less publicly-suitable muse!"

He tried to shove Photo aside to reclaim his old spot and failed, so settled for reading upside-down. Though her face was practiced and stoic, a muffled disturbance at the sides of her dress made me realize precisely why it was that pegasi didn't usually pin down their wings with attire.

"It just sounded like she was talking about rubbing her face everywhere and getting sticky to me," Daring helpfully interjected.

"You," I proclaimed, looking up at the filly, "probably shouldn't be reading any more of that. In fact, I think I'm going to go have a talk with Twilight right now."

"Suit yourself!" Bow waved without looking at me. "We'll be reading this masterpiece here. Or maybe in the auditorium. See you there!"

"And tell Twilight I love her!" Windy Whistles shouted after us. "She's the best!"

Several minutes later, I knocked on the door to Twilight Velvet's work studio, Daring Do still somehow perched atop my head. It was locked, and there was no response.

"Twilight?" I called. "Can we talk?"

"No!" came a muffled voice from the other side. "I still have thirty minutes!"

Rolling my eyes, I prepared the little-used master key spell that Celestia had entrusted me with for situations just like this. With a click, Twilight's door rolled open.

The mare shrieked, jumping up from her desk and flattening her workbook, covering it with her body. I heard the snap of a quill as she landed, mouth drawn and eyes wide. The cover-up did nothing to hide what she was wearing.

"...Why are you wearing that?" I asked, pointing to one of Fancy Pants' suits, even though I already knew the answer.

"Inspiration! No reason!" Tersely, the mare covered her book properly and stowed it away, walking toward me in a fit of blushing. "Night Light, this is highly inappropriate."

I raised an eyebrow towards the filly on my head. "She read your books."

For several seconds, we stood still. Then Twilight stiffened, eyes widening as my words sunk in.

"You have interesting things to write about," Daring Do remarked from atop my head, giggling. "Good luck finding ponies who actually want to read that!"

Twilight sighed. "Amy, go back to my apartment and wait there. The grown-ups need to talk."

Daring rolled her eyes. "Mooooom..."

Twilight rolled hers back. "Fine. Daring. Please?"

"You bet!" The filly saluted before vanishing in a blur of wings and feathers.

"...So," I eventually said, seating myself on Twilight's study couch. "About that contest. We need an entry."

"Yeah," she muttered, hanging her head.

I pointed at the book that was now resting exposed on her desk. "I don't suppose that's a last-minute, safe-for-the-princess masterpiece?"

Dejectedly, she flung it at me. It only took a few pages for me to realize it was now starring her and a certain spherical-maned pegasus.

I set it down, trying to meet her eyes. "Twilight."

"Mmmm?"

Sighing, I launched into my speech. "The Cloudsdale team is actually pretty taken with you. I don't think CSGU winning this is a lost cause. We'll just have to do something... different."

She looked up, but didn't interrupt, so I continued. "The first thing we could do is just read your stuff as-is. The staff will probably hate it, and you'll be infamous for sure, but the contest is determined by student voting. There's a good chance we could win by audacity alone, if nopony pulls the plug on us mid-act."

"And the other?" Twilight coughed, her blush all but gone. I realized her eyes were starting to water. Apparently, it was beginning to sink in that she wouldn't have a real work ready in time.

"The Cloudsdale team's act is centered around one performance and one presentation," I explained cautiously. "Windy Whistles does her swimming thing, and Photo Finish makes it presentable. We... could steal their act and try to one-up them."

"Huh?"

I nodded. "The question is, do you think we could make you look hotter in a swimsuit than Windy without one?"

Twilight blushed, examining the article she was still wearing. "I was just using this for inspiration! I'm not sure I'd be..."

"The Cloudsdale team thought you were pretty hot," I offered helpfully.

Twilight cringed. "Why do both of these options involve me embarrassing myself on a public stage?"

"Maybe it has something to do with this being your fault for slacking off?" I raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Look, let's... let's get down to the auditorium and figure out what we're going to do once we're there."

As Twilight reached down to remove her suit, I shook my head. "Either way, you're just going to have to put that back on."

She scowled, marching toward the door and flipping her mane. Shrugging, I followed along behind, making sure to bring her newest book.

We strolled onto backstage through a side door, Twilight looking nervously around. She had opted not to remove the swimsuit, and it was clearly doing her confidence no favors. Neither was the group of ponies lying in wait.

"Twilight!" Bow waved enthusiastically. "The mare of the hour!"

Windy Whistles looked up from reading as well, blushing. "Your writing is the best thing everrr!"

Fancy Pants winked. "I knew those would look good on you. Props for trying them on!"

Twilight's face drooped in dismay. "You all read those too?"

"We did!" Windy bounced over, mane bobbing, freckled cheeks drawn back in a freckled smile. "Twilight, I am practically in love with your writing style. And your advice sounds so useful, too!"

"Best advice for dating unicorns ever!" Bow added loudly from the background.

"Old boy," Fancy Pants muttered, strolling up alongside me, "Bow's army did in fact appear, but what's the plan for the rest of our show? Please tell me you've managed to figure something out? The audience is already assembling and the curtains rise in fifteen minutes!"

I was about to respond when I was interrupted by a fuzzy tackle from Windy Whistles. "Is that another book?" Grappling and causing me to tip over in an undignified heap, she wrested Twilight's newest work from my grasp. "I just have to read this!"

"No! Wait!" Frantically, Twilight stretched a hoof forward, but was too late.

Windy's eyes grew smaller and smaller, a heated blush growing on her cheeks as she read. After only several lines, she looked up, flipping the book in her wing like an athlete might a ball. She put on a saucy smile. "You wrote this about me?"

Twilight cringed, whimpering. "You weren't... supposed to..."

Windy Whistles leaned in all at once, glomping Twilight's horn and wrapping her tongue around it. Twilight's face lit up in shock, followed by realization... and delight. All resistance gone, she melted closer, and the two mares fell on top of each other, tumbling to the floor.

"Well, this seems to be a development," Fancy Pants remarked.

"She definitely needed to get laid," Bow agreed, nodding stiffly. "Most-in-need-of-bedding mare ever, right there."

Twilight's face popped out from under a wing, scowling at the two. "Do you mind giving us a little privacy, here?"

Fancy Pants' horn flashed, and Twilight sighed and went back to nuzzling. Nothing else appeared to happen.

"Uhh... you sure that did anything?" Bow leaned around, trying to catch the staring unicorn's attention. "Because it looks to me like that spell was the absolute best at doing nothing at all."

"One-way sensory barrier, old chap," Fancy muttered back smugly. "They're completely alone in their private little world."

"That's brilliant," Bow whispered, eyes widening as the swimsuit-clad pair rolled over, stroking each other's sides. "Best spying spell ever."

Photo Finish zipped up next to the one-way barrier, camera brandished. "I shoot!" Boff!

I merely stood still, staring at the tangle of limbs on the floor. Bow eventually tapped me on the shoulder. "You alright there, buddy?"

"I think I've discovered my kink," I answered breathlessly, chest too tight to move.

"That's the spirit," Fancy Pants whispered, not wanting to drown out the noises from within the shield. "I knew you had a party stallion in you somewhere, old boy."

Before I could respond, a door at the back of the stage was kicked down. "Yoohoo!" a shrill voice whistled as several dozen scantily-clad mares poured through. "We finished... woah."

"Hmm!" Fancy Pants looked up, examining his attire on the pile of pegasi. "I daresay this scene just grew even more attractive!"

"It has," Photo Finish sharply agreed. "Absolute show-stopper! Which team gets credit?"

Myself, Bow and Fancy Pants looked at each other, blinking. "Uhhhh..."

Next to us, the curtains began to rise. The audience was already assembled, and Twilight and Windy were in full view.

"...Wow." The heat from Twilight Sparkle's blush was palpable, radiating through the room like a merry hearth. "How'd you get her to marry you after something like that? No, scratch that, how'd you even manage to stay in school?"

Night Light leaned back, chuckling. "After giving the school the lewdest competition entry in history? Well, Twi, it turns out Princess Celestia thought the whole thing was so funny, she let us all off the hook!"

"Wow," Twilight repeated. "That must have taken a fair bit of effort."

"Beats me how she did it," Night Light said with a shrug. "The professors were livid. The students thought it was hilarious. But she just kept going on about how we'd never had two schools pool their talent for one single presentation before. If you ask me, she just likes messing with ponies."

"Heh..." Twilight chuckled. "Reminds me of the Gala. She invited me and all my friends there, almost like she expected us to ruin it."

A voice from the doorway cleared its throat, causing both Twilight and her father to look up. "Mom?"

"Dinner's almost ready," Twilight Velvet announced. "Night Light, get your rear washed up and to the table, please?"

"Aww! But what about her?" The stallion pointed toward younger Twilight, waving his cider. "Why aren't you making her go, too?"

"Because she is our guest," Twilight Velvet sternly replied. "Now hurry up!"

"All right, all right, I'm going!" Getting to his hooves, Night Light shuffled off and left the room.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at her mother, still trying to suppress her reaction from her father's story. "I imagine you were listening and want to correct the record?"

The unicorn sighed, hanging her head. "Your father is a terrible exaggerator, but he still has those journals and those photos, and it is my opinion as your mother that they aren't things you ever need to see."

"He kept them?" Twilight felt her eyes widen. "I mean, well..."

"He did," Twilight Velvet grumbled, pulling off her apron and sagging into Night Light's abandoned chair. "That swimsuit, too. It still fits."

"So..." Twilight asked after a silence. "After all that, why in Equestria did you marry him?"

"Three reasons," she answered. "First, it was mostly my fault. While he could have stopped it, and Fancy Pants' silly spell made things worse, things would never have come to that if I hadn't let myself get distracted with hormones. Second was that he was the only one of the bunch who actually helped me with damage control after that episode... and I mean really helped. Something like that gets a mare a lot of reputation, and it's not the kind of reputation most mares want to have."

"Oh?" Twilight perked her ears.

Her mother nodded. "He stole Photo Finish's camera before she could develop or copy those pictures, for one. Kept the books under wraps, too. Even assisted me in not having to make as many public appearances. Errands, and the like."

"Huh." Twilight looked at the TV, before blinking back. "What was the third reason?"

Twilight Velvet groaned, slumping deeper into her seat. "Shining Armor. But that is not a story for tonight, or perhaps ever."

Wisely relenting, Twilight didn't press. "All right, then. Maybe I don't need to know about that."

"Good choice."

There was a long pause, during which Twilight finally finished calming down and her mother rested from making dinner. It was eventually interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Probably Shiny and Cadence," Twilight muttered, propping herself to her hooves before her mother could. "I'll get it."

"Thanks." Twilight Velvet sank deeper into the chair.

With an expectant grin and a sweep of magic, Twilight swung the front door open, and was greeted by two smiling, tired faces and one smiling, not at all tired one. "Twily!"

"Hey, you guys." Twilight spread her wings, pulling her brother and his family into a giant hug. "Long time no see."

"Guaaah!" Flurry flailed adorably, latching onto Twilight's neck and hugging back with all six limbs.

"Missed you too, sis." Shining Armor nuzzled her, then pulled back. "Woah, what's mom making? Smells awesome!"

"Indeed it does," Cadence agreed, setting aside her bags in the foyer. "So what have you been up to, Twilight?"

"Oh, sitting around, princess stuff..." Casually, Twilight threw a hoof over her shoulder, being careful not to bonk Flurry. She grinned mischievously. "Hearing from dad this crazy story about mom dating in college."

Shining snorted heavily and guffawed. "Oh, she finally allowed him to tell you? Yeah, that's a crazy one. I first heard it when I was... what, sixteen?"

"Oh really?" Cadence snaked around him, a predatory tone in her voice. "Your parents have a history of saucy escapades? I don't think I've heard this one!"

Shining punched her in the shoulder, chuckling. "You'd love it, too. Apparently mom had a thing for writing hot stuff back in the day and some pegasus from Cloudsdale found out. They wound up getting it on on a stage in front of all of CSGU. Dad even had pictures."

"Interesting!" Cadence urged for more with a shark-like grin.

"I tell you, those pictures..." Shining wiped his brow, then suddenly looked nervously at Twilight. "He didn't show you, did he?"

Twilight shook her head, slightly nervous.

"Whew! Good." Shining sighed loudly. "First time I saw those, I actually had doubts about some certain family taboos. Heh heh..."

Cadence flicked his muzzle with her tail.

"You guys..." Twilight rolled her eyes and turned to walk further into the house. "Dinner's on the table!"

"I just wish I could remember her name, though," Shining mused as he followed her. "Something breeze? Err..."

"Windy Whistles?" Twilight asked over her shoulder.

"Yeah! That!" Shining pumped a hoof. "She was hot too. Wonder what she looks like now..."

Cadence was standing still. "Windy Whistles... that sounds familiar..."

"It does?" Shining Armor's brows rose. "I don't think I've told you this story before..."

"No, I..." Cadence trailed off in thought, hoof to her chin. "Freckles? Mane like a balloon? Pegasus from Cloudsdale?"

Shining sighed dreamily. "That's the one..."

Cadence's eyes constricted in realization and she turned sharply to Shining, pushing him against a staircase. "Upstairs. Now. We need a relationship talk before this gets awkward."

"Huh?" Shining looked hurt. "What did I do?"

Cadence shrugged. "You and me are married, she dated your mother, and..." She bit her lip and looked to the side, hissing her next words. "I might have gotten it on with her while incognito during a diplomatic visit to Cloudsdale about twenty five years ago?"

"Oh." Shining's eyes widened. "Yeah, let's go talk." Raising his voice, he added, "Hey, Twily?"

"Yeeeees?" Twilight poked her head around the corner.

Shining swallowed. "Did you... hear all that?"

Twilight nodded and grinned.

"Could you..." Shining's breath was horse. "Please not tell mom and dad?"

Giggling, with Flurry still attached to her neck, Twilight turned back to the kitchen. "Maybe. If I do, you owe me. No promises."