Your Parents Aren't Dead, Applejack

by Galaxina-the-Unicorn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Applejack, Original Character, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4255

A stubborn mare refuses to believe that Applejack's parents are as dead as they appear. AJ takes this as patiently as she can take it.

Some ponies are reasonable, and take things as face value. Some are open minded to the things they can't explain. Others, however, are stubborn. They won't give into other ponies' views, regardless of facts given. And that's fine; everypony is different, and that should never be something to judge.

Of course, some take it too far, to the point where realism and ridiculousness clash in an ongoing banter.

And when somepony comes up with a theory regarding the Apple Family's departed progenitors, Applejack may have a few choice words to say about the matter.

Just a stupid fic that no one should take seriously.

Edit: Featured on July 4th, 2017

Published 2017-07-04 13:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-04 13:00:11 UTC

And I Can Prove It

Within the bustling crowds of the Ponyville Market, Applejack led her little sister, Apple Bloom, from one stand to another, buying many assorted goods as was done every week. In spite the hectic setting, the day was rather slow and calm, and Apple Bloom excitedly skipped behind her sister with such rigor at the warmth of the Summer sun that Celestia had blessed the small town with. The small filly smiled up at her older sister.

"Can we go see Grand Pear Pear after we finish?" Apple Bloom asked with a grin, "Ah' wanna tell him about the pear seeds he let us plant."

Applejack gave a smile of her own, almost motherly with her expression. "Sure' we can," she nodded, "He oughta be proud, too. Pears haven't been growin' 'round here since he left," she winked at Apple Bloom, "Plus, wouldn't hurt to see his favorite granddaughters."

"We're his only granddaughters, Applejack."

"'xactly."

Apple Bloom giggled a little as she and her sister continued onward through the subdued chaos before them, ponies, both patient and loudmouthed, going about their business as well. It was loud, and it was quiet, and it was fast, and it was slow, and it was so many things that anypony else wouldn't be able to quite register the idea of it being just a regular old Saturday morning. Once the clatter would eventually die down, it would simply be a day filled with fillies and colts causing playful mayhem throughout the streets, good friends making merry within Sugarcube Corner, and simply everypony enjoying the perfectness of the upcoming afternoon.

But within the crowds, within the clamor, stood a mare and four of her companions, or at least curious listeners who were willing to put up with anything this pony had to say. The mare's coat was a grey-white shade, three sixteenth notes on her flanks. Her tail and coat were a simple shade of brownish red, and her eyes were ordinarily blue. Upon said eyes were a small pair of glasses that would, otherwise, make her look like quite the respectable mare. Yet, Canterlotian standards aside, she was clearly just a pony from Ponyville as she had been all of her life.

As Applejack and Apple Bloom passed by, the smaller filly's ears rose at the mentioning of familiar names regarding a certain one of her sister's friends. She did a double take at the mare, whose expression was a matter of factual presentation. Apple Bloom cocked an eyebrow as this mare seemed to continue on with her rant, as the other four mares and colts nodded with her, as if they believed every word she had to say. Apple Bloom glanced back at Applejack, and then back to the mare. Back to Applejack, and back to the mare. Finally with a sigh Apple Bloom walked over to the small group and felt the need to clear her throat.

"'scuse me, miss," Apple Bloom greeted, "What was that ya'll said about Princess Twilight?"

Now the Apples were never ones to be quite so formal, especially when it came to their family friends. But for this particular reason, she felt the need to be formal. The mare looked down at Apple Bloom with an even expression, that was just as snooty to the young filly.

"Tone Deaf," the mare said, lifting a hoof off the ground.

Apple Bloom blinked as her question had been ignored completely. "Uh...beg yer' pardon?"

"My name is Tone Deaf," the mare introduced, "And as you so rudely butted in without a proper debut, I do incline that you must do so now, so as to make a better influence."

Apple Bloom stared blankly at the mare named Tone Deaf, her brain trying to process the totally fake Canterlot way of speech, tilting her head more than once as if to get it wracking. Tone Deaf sighed and shook her head. "Your name," she growled, "You interrupted my lecture without even telling us your name," she leaned her face towards Apple Bloom's, "That's very rude."

The small filly let out an "oh" and nodded her head in understanding. With a quick apology, Apple Bloom smiled up at her and said, "Ah'm Apple Bloom! Ah was jus' pickin' up some groceries with mah' sister when Ah' heard-."

"Okay, okay, we don't need your entire life story my dear," Tone Deaf said pulling her head back, wincing at Apple Bloom's chosen dialect as if it were the very epitome of bad speaking, "Now, as I was saying about the supposed 'Princess' Twilight Sparkle before I my interruption-," she glanced at the filly who found herself completely silent in intrigue and smirked proudly to herself, "Our so-called benevolent ruler, Princess Celestia, has integrated a thought process that has led herself to believe that she can puppet around her own subjects, even those such as her former protege."

Apple Bloom took a moment to understand exactly what Tone Deaf was talking about before a stallion next to her whispered, "She's just going on about how Princess Celestia forced Twilight to become a Princess and such."

"QUIET!" Tone Deaf glared harshly as the stallion backed up just a few steps, "What is it with ponies interrupting me? Do you all not know a thing about proper conduct? The nerve!"

Apple Bloom looked back up to Tone Deaf, a look of confusion crossed on her little face. "Ah don' git it," she admitted, "Princess Celestia didn't outright force her, did she?"

Tone Deaf glowered at the filly, and leaned in to her and spoke as if speaking to a foal. "Well, did 'Princess' Twilight choose to become royalty, or were the wings simply stapled onto her back like a poorly misshaped pinata?"

"Well, 'Ah don' know 'bout any here pinata," Apple Bloom said, feeling that her opinions were welcomed in this setting when Tone Deaf's eye rolling said otherwise, "Ah think them wings look mighty fine on Twilight. An'...well, she never did say anythin' about not wantin' ta' be a Princess. Come ta' think of it, who wouldn't wanna be one?"

Apple Bloom had grabbed the attention of the four onlooking ponies who had loyally endured Tone Deaf's rants up until this very moment. "An' even if she did," Apple Bloom went on, a confident but well-meaning smile on her face, "She didn't seem too upset about bein' a Princess afterwards," she pointed to her back as an example, "Ah mean, sure, Applejack did tell me that Twilight wasn't all too thrilled 'bout her wings at first, but only 'cuz she had a hard time controllin' them and they kept gettin' in the way. After that, she seemed mighty fine with upholdin' her duties as a Princess."

The little filly's eyes wandered as she went on with her thought. "Ah mean, it ain't like havin' wings changes who she is or anythin'," Apple Bloom said, "That's what Applejack says. She may be a Princess now, but she's doin' well fer herself-."

Tone Deaf's laughter cut off Apple Bloom mid-speech, and the little filly found herself frowning. The older mare wiped a mirthful tear from her eye and lightly smiled at the clearly naive foal before her. "Clearly you don't know 'Princess' Twilight as well as I do, my dear Chapel Room."

"Apple Bloom."

"Whatever," Tone Deaf waved her off dismissively as she went on, "Now, have you ever asked her about the matter? Hm?"

Apple Bloom shrugged. "Well, no," she said, "But her friends did. Mah sister included," she shuffled her hooves as she thought about it, "Sure, they were worried 'bout the whole thing bein' Twilight's choice at first," she smiled back up at Tone Deaf in the most friendly way, "But Twilight said that she trusted Princess Celestia with her destiny, so in turn, it WAS her choice. An' it's her choice to follow through."

The small group was suddenly quiet at these words, small sighs of relief leaving them as they all decided to go on their separate ways. Tone Deaf ignored them, and continued to stare at Apple Bloom with a look of disbelief. Apple Bloom's smile diminished at this gaze, and she glanced around, noticing that her sister was nowhere in her peripheral vision. That wasn't really a problem, since she knew Ponyville well enough not to get lost, but she didn't want her big sister to worry about her either. She took a step back.

"Clearly you have no idea what white lies are, little one," Tone Deaf immediately said, making Apple Bloom feel the need to stay put, the same awkward smile plastered, "By my understanding, 'Princess' Twilight must be feeling some kind of woe from these duties being placed upon her shoulders."

"Well, sure, but-."

"Not to mention the immortality that comes along with those wings."

"Twilight didn't mention anythin' 'bout-."

"And how are we to know if those wings truly make her a 'Princess' to begin with?"

"Why do ya'll keep sayin' princess like that? Just say Princess. It's that easy."

Tone Deaf glared once more at the little filly. "As if your manner of speech is any better than mine," she muttered, Apple Bloom barely missing what she had said; Tone Deaf composed herself, "My point is simple: Princess Celestia is an anarchist bent on full domination of the fellow Ponies, and 'Princess' Twilight was simply a pawn all along."

Apple Bloom blinked, even more confused than before as Tone Deaf gave a proud smile. The sound of hoofsteps seemed to deafen out a particular gallop as Apple Bloom saw Applejack coming her way. "Apple Bloom, there ya' are," Applejack smiled, "Now, come on, sugarcube, we're gonna see Grand Pear now, remember?"

Applejack's smile disappeared the moment she glanced over at Tone Deaf. She flatly stared at the fellow Earth Pony in an almost disdainful way. "Oh...so's you was talkin' to her, were ya'll?" Applejack sighed, "What nonsense was she spoutin' this time?"

Tone Deaf gasped in shock, placing a hoof to her chest as dramatically as Rarity would've. "Nonsense?!" she huffed, "I'm only speaking what everypony wants to know: the TRUTH," she proceeded to scan Applejack, a subdued smirk on her face, "You would know well of that, wouldn't you Miss 'Element of Honesty'."

"Now, what's that tone 'sposed ta' mean?" Applejack started to grit her teeth before Apple Bloom stood between them.

"Applejack, ya' know her?" Apple Bloom asked with a tilt of her innocent little head.

Applejack sighed. "Lots o' ponies do," she admitted, looking back at Tone Deaf, "She's been here a while. Just normally talks her flank off in her little writin's. You probably know her as Reality Check."

Apple Bloom gasped and gave a big smile to Tone Deaf. "You're that editor from the ChitterChat newspaper," she grinned, "Ah'm a huge fan of yer work!"

Tone Deaf looked almost surprised before she gave another arrogant pose to the filly. "Yes, well..." she glanced over at Applejack for just a moment.

"Yeah," Apple Bloom laughed, "Yer articles are always so funny ta' read!"

Tone Deaf felt her eyes bulge and she did a double take to Apple Bloom. "FUNNY?!"

Apple Bloom continued to laugh as thoughts and memories of Tone Deaf's past articles came to mind. She wiped her eyes as said Tone Deaf continued to give an angry stare. "Are you saying that my articles are nothing but frivolous JOKES?!" she growled.

Apple Bloom nodded rather bluntly, knocking Tone Deaf's pride to the curb. "Well, yeah," she stated, "Ya'll have ta' be crazy to believe nonsense like that. Cloudsdale makin' rainbows out o' lil' fillies? Dresses made from other folks? Ya'll even wrote an article 'bout Pinkie Pie turnin' other ponies into cupcakes," she rubbed her chin in thought, "Come ta' think of it, a lot of yer stuff seemed to mention ponies secretly bein' crazy like that."

"Because they ARE," Tone Deaf glared, "The crazed pink pony-."

"Is named Pinkie Pie," Applejack glowered, "'Ah don' tolerate you tellin' fibs 'bout mah friends, ya' hear? Bad enough you try to make the Princesses look like a buncha' fools..."

"You can't possibly prove my facts and figures wrong," Tone Deaf shouted, "I've studied every inch and detail of the ponies I slander," she paused and coughed a bit, "I mean...ponies I...research."

"Don't that make ya'll sound a mite bit crazy yerself?"

Applejack chuckled at Apple Bloom's comment as Tone Deaf looked about ready to strangle her to death. The elder trotted over to the younger and nodded her head. "Come now, sugarcube, let's not waste our time with that one," Applejack said, "She's as stubborn as a mule, she is."

A passing Cranky Doodle snorted at the comment and grumbled as he walked by with his miscellaneous goods. Applejack meekly gave the donkey an apologetic smile. "No offense?" she laughed sheepishly.

Tone Deaf simpered after the two sisters. "Go on, run," she taunted, "We all know what the truth is, Applecracker!"

"'Ah ain't callin' nopony a liar, Tone Deaf," Applejack leered, "Ah'm jus' callin' ya'll a loon," she turned away, "An' the name is Applejack, not Applecracker."

Tone Deaf giggled. "You're just upset because I figured out your parents' little secret before you did."

Applejack and Apple Bloom paused. They glanced at each other, wide-eyed and full of surprise. They turned back to Tone Deaf slowly, Apple Bloom staying behind her big sister. "What'choo talkin' 'bout now?" Applejack asked, stomping a hoof down, "Ya'll sayin' you figured it out before us? How?"

"Because unlike you," Tone Deaf motioned to the farm pony indignantly, "I have magnificent deduction skills."

Though Applejack nodded her head, she looked unconvinced. Apple Bloom watched this unfold from behind her sister's legs. "Um," Apple Bloom bit her bottom lip, "What...what do you know about our parents, then?"

Tone Deaf's smile was that of an eel's to Applejack. "I'm glad you asked," she cleared her throat, "A few weeks ago you all learned," she gave a sizable pause, "that your parents," another short stop for good measure, "Are, in fact...ALIVE!"

The Apple sisters gave long blank stares as Tone Deaf gave her audience a couple bows. "Thank you, thank you," she giggled, "I am humble..."

Apple Bloom slowly looked up at her sister, Applejack's teeth grinding from behind her closed mouth. "...what was that ya'll said?" Applejack's voice sounded not enraged as it should've been, but rather painfully curious; there was a chip in her tune that played it off as a happy sound.

Somehow this made Apple Bloom just the slightest bit afraid for her own well-being, and she started backing away, glancing over at Tone Deaf with widened eyes.

"It's simple, really," Tone Deaf crouched down and pat her hooves onto the dirt road in close examination, "There's an underground organization run by Princess Celestia," she rose back up in mid-rant, "An organization bent on spying out the sins of our poor, innocent nation. These ponies serve only the Sun and beckon the end of the Moon's gentle embrace..."

Tone Deaf wiped a tear off her eye once more, not out of mirth, but out of some sort of sorrow. Applejack rolled her eyes, muttering a "gimme a break" before Tone Deaf went on, "And those leading this horrendous agenda," she pointed at the Apple sisters with passionate rage, "Are your parents, Blight Sack and Tear Cutter!"

Apple Bloom proceeded to shrink further as Applejack felt the threads of her patience falling out of their seams. Tone Deaf remained in an accusing position, her look contorting into a prideful sort of smirk that said she had figured them out. She stood back to former stance, and with a glimmer in her eyes said, "And now that you know the truth, you're dedicating your life to try and cover up their heinous regime. You thought you could hide it...but you didn't account for ME."

Applejack stared a long stare at Tone Deaf, took a deep breath...and calmly smiled at the mare. "Oh, yes," she said with a gentle dose of sarcasm dipped in every word, "You sure did, sugarcube...ain't you a lil' genius?"

"Thank you," Tone Deaf smiled with a knowing nod of her head.

Applejack shook her head and started slowly making her way towards Tone Deaf, Apple Bloom staying as far as she could without once again separating from her sibling. "But uh...as...flawless as yer 'facts and figures' are," she said carefully making her way towards the unknowing mare, "There are jus' a couple questions Ah have fer ya'."

Tone Deaf looked at Applejack rather kindly at this point. "Go right along."

"What evidence do ya' have that backs this all up?"

Tone Deaf looked quite prepared for this inevitability. "Simple," she said, "No one talks about your folks for one thing," she glanced to the side as to motion to the surrounding crowd; now that she thought about it, there was now a large audience starting to surround the ongoing scene.

She'd yet to have such publicity in her life! Why they stared with such gritted and nervous expressions daunted her, but Tone Deaf took what she could get regardless. She continued:

"No one knows HOW your parents died for another. Isn't that rather odd?"

Applejack's steps were calm and even as she finally made her way in front of Tone Deaf, who was rambling enough not to notice.

"Finally," Tone Deaf stated, "There's plenty of evidence that proves that they still walk among us, such as the frequent Apple gatherings. Why so many gatherings all the time? Now that I think about it, perhaps you-"

Tone Deaf stopped dead the moment her snout met with Applejack's, the orange mare's calm smile turning directly into a terrifying glare. The grey-white mare immediately jumped back with a start, falling to her rump with a thud. Applejack growled. "One," she hissed, "No one talks 'bout my folks, cuz it's a touchy subject fer most of us here. They touched A LOT of ponies here in Ponyville," she looked among the crowd, "ponies that we didn't even know were touched in the first place."

Applejack made her way towards the stumbling know-it-all. "Two," she stomped the ground hard with each step, the earth starting to tremble ever so slightly, "'Course they know how they died! EVERYPONY talked about it fer weeks on end!" she jabbed a hoof into Tone Deaf's chest, "'Ah bet it was even featured on the paper YOU WRITE FER! Ya'll tellin' me you had NO IDEA?!"

Tone Deaf let out another shriek and stumbled further away, circling around backwards until she crashed into Apple Bloom, who immediately retreated into the crowd for cover from her sister's wrath. Applejack unstoppingly marched over to the fool, the trembling growing. Or was it just Tone Deaf's over-imagination?

"An' FINALLY," Applejack spoke in a way to mock the neigh-sayer's idiocy, "Mah' family comes over a lot, BECAUSE THEY COME OVER A LOT!"

Applejack proceeded to "grab" the mare by her throat in a motion ordinary ponies couldn't quite describe. "Ya'll think jus' cuz ya' don't see it in front o' yer hooves that suddenly it ain't true?!"

"Well...yes," Tone Deaf choked rather honestly, "If I haven't seen it, then how...how can it be true?"

Applejack was baffled by this line of logic. "How the hay do you function?!"

Tone Deaf proceeded to pry herself free from Applejack's grasp, looking at the ponies around her. "Have any of you seen how this mare's parents perished?!"

The ponies were silent, but not for the reasons Tone Deaf was hoping for. No. They were silenced by the sheer rage growing around the farm pony as she readied her hooves to wallop this here moron into her destruction.

"Then tell me, my little ponies," Tone Deaf gave a bit of a knowing grin, "How can we be sure that it's true?! The only way one would be able to know, is if we saw the two in heaven with our very eyes!"

Tone Deaf paled to an even whiter shade of ivory as she was slammed to the ground, dust flying, and Applejack's gaze ripping right into her very soul. Applejack suddenly smiled as she raised another hoof. "Maybe," she said, "Ya'll should give 'em a visit up at those pearly gates right 'bout now! Ya' know?! JUST TA' BE SURE?!"

A pained silence filled the air as everypony waited for Applejack to respond to her own words...what was she doing? Her ma and pa wouldn't want her doing this to anypony, whether or not they were as stupid as Tone Deaf. Applejack stared down at the mare, almost looking a bit regretful as she nearly decided to pull away, pull Apple Bloom onto her back, and trot on back home. They could visit Grand Pear later, couldn't they?

But that's not what ended up happening. Because when you're a mare like Tone Deaf, you don't simply give in. There's a valor and an idiocy to the whole thing, when you fight for something that falls a part on its own. When you cheer something on that's destined to fail from the get-go. Ponies like this just don't know when to quit.

Tone Deaf couldn't stop herself from speaking the words that would lead to her own demise even if she wanted to.

"I can't. Because they simply aren't up there."

With that said, Applejack's hooves slammed onto her victim, and all that could be heard for the next three and a half hours were two screaming mares and a crying foal. These noises drowned out all the painful screeches of the mare known as Tone Deaf.

"...An' she jus' went on like that! Didn't even budge! Couldn't git enough sense in her ta'-!"

"Applejack, calm down..."

A purple hoof was placed on the Earth pony's back sympathetically. Along with the two friends were a cyan pegasus, along with an orange pegasus and a white unicorn, both baring the same cutie marks as Applejack's sister, who went on to socialize with her two best friends about the situation. They were all at the Ponyville Police Station, where the particular six friends often found themselves in surprisingly enough.

Though the police of Ponyville were rather laid back compared to that of Canterlot and perhaps other towns that weren't Fillydelphia, they did take their job seriously enough, much to ponies' relief and discretion...mostly the discretion of Rainbow Dash, to be quite fair. It was a surprise to see her in the building with absolutely no crimes against her this time actually.

Applejack sighed. "Ah blew it, didn't Ah?" she shook her head, "Ya'll think ponies'll think less of me now? They probably will..."

"Applejack, this isn't the first time Tone Deaf has been put in this situation," the purple mare, Twilight Sparkle, sighed, "You're not the only one whose lashed out at her," Twilight looked over to Rainbow Dash, "Though...that doesn't make what you did right..."

"You kidding?!" Rainbow Dash guffawed, "I say you gave her just what the doctor ordered months ago! A good beating oughta straighten out her attitude!"

As Rainbow Dash pound a hoof into the palm of the other, Twilight face-hoofed and shook her head is irritation. She frowned at Applejack. "Just try not to fall into this type of violence again," she urged, "Who knows what could happen to you if you cause the same outburst?"

Applejack numbly dipped her head in shame and sighed. "Ah'm...sorry."

"It's okay, Applejack," Twilight smiled lightly, "You're lucky, you know? They're letting you off easy, mostly because there's not much of a testimony ponies will willingly claim against you in court. But..."

"...that doesn't stop that lyin' Tone Deaf from spreadin' those rumors," Applejack growled, "Ya'll should'a heard what she said about you!"

"I know," Twilight's sigh was mixed in with a groan, "I...had to deal with her this morning as a matter of fact. She asked me about how immortality is working for me and such."

"...so...are ya' immortal?"

Twilight let out another sigh as her friends gave her genuine stares of curiosity. Finally, limping out of an office next to them was Tone Deaf, using a pony officer beside her as a crutch. Applejack glared a little, which made Twilight give the appropriate response of doing her best to hold her back. But Tone Deaf's focus wasn't on Applejack. It was on Rainbow Dash.

Tone Deaf's expression immediately sagged. "I'm so sorry about your parents, Rainbow Dash," she said sorrowfully, "I send my condolences once again, and hope that you heart heals-."

"FOR THE LAST BUCKING TIME MY PARENTS ARE NOT DEAD YOU STUPID-!"

As Applejack and Twilight proceeded to pull Rainbow Dash back from the mare as she was carried off, the Cutie Mark Crusaders watching in safe distance, Tone Deaf sighed at the officer next to her. "You can lead a pony to water, but you can't make her drink it..."

Author's Note

Let it be known once again that this is not meant to be taken seriously. This is just a jab at some YouTube comments that state, and I quote, that...certain things aren't canon unless outright spoken. Believe me. They exist. :ajbemused:

I can't believe it's taken me this flipping long to actually write and upload another story onto this site. Ah well. Hope you guys like it...even though Tone Deaf is a terrible OC. :twilightblush: I swear, I've done so much better! :fluttercry: This was all for comedy and nothing more!

-GTU