“WHY?! WHY DO WE KEEP DOING THIS?!”
-Skijarama
“Because we’re idiots?”
-Tom117z
“Yeah, I know we’re idiots. That isn’t a valid reason!”
-Skijarama
“♪Because one is a genius-♪”
-Tom117z
“NO!”
-Skijarama
“Say, what are we doing today Boulder?” Gummy asked the little rock sitting with him on the counter of Sugarcube Corner.
“The same thing we do every day, Gummy,” Boulder replied. “We are going to-”
“No taking over the world,” Maud chastised, giving Boulder a slap over his metaphorical ear.
Now, you may be wondering how they reached this point. Boulder and Gummy, two pets of two inseparable sisters, wanting to conquer the world. How did this happen you might ask? Well, let us recall…
Previously, on that one time Maud got excited...
“No, Boulder. You can’t take over the world today,” Maud deadpanned in her constant voice to the eagerly motionless rock in her pocket.
“How dare you?! I am BOULDER! I will hold this world beneath me with the weight of-”
“Maybe next year.”
“BOULDER KNOWS NO DELAYS!”
“Bad.”
Boulder shifted inside Maud’s pocket, though not of his own will. It was purely because of her body moving around. Boulder was furious; incredibly so.
“Who was that?” a new voice asked, raspy and despondent. Boulder didn’t get the chance to reply as his world of Maud’s pocket was suddenly rocked violently, like a hurricane of hoof-sized proportions.
“Baaad boy, Boulder woulder.” Pinkie said, poking Maud’s chest pocket where Boulder was still.
“I will enslave you all,” Boulder snarled silently.
“Your name is Boulder?” Came the raspy voice again from beyond the veil of fabric. Boulder, if he were physically able, he would have puffed up in pride.
“Yes! I am Boulder the Hard!” He declared loudly, to which there was a brief silence.
“How long have you had to sit in that pocket to come up with that?”
“Longer than I would like to admit...”
“Well, I’m Gummy. Hmmm… it sounds like you have ambitions,” Gummy commented with interest.
“I would like to take over the world!” Boulder replied as if he were already triumphant and was merely waiting for his trophy.
“Ah! An ambition I can really appreciate!”
“Gummy! Don’t encourage him!” Pinkie Pie suddenly exclaimed from beyond pocket.
“I share the same ambition, you silly pink horse,” Gummy snapped violently at Pinkie before licking one of his eyes. “You’ll all bow to me one-”
“And no, you can’t take over the world by yourself either! Honestly, the two of you are quite the mischievous pair,” Pinkie scolded with a small frown.
Boulder decided to tune them out for the time being, his mind wandering and eventually settling on that interloper, Trixie. Seemingly sensing his anger, Gummy blinked in a way that gave Boulder the courage to act out. Maud suddenly leaned down to her pocket, seemingly having felt his aggravation while talking to Pinkie.
“Don’t get upset, Boulder. I’ll take care of her myself…” she whispered emotionlessly to the rock.
Gummy flicked his tail.
Boulder didn’t move.
It was settled.
Boulder sat patiently, listening in on the conversation before allowing the shifting fabric to move him closer to Maud’s chest. “Maud, if it is all the same to you, I would like to stay here and… ‘play’ with this Gummy. He seems like a lot of fun.” Boulder asked into the mind of his owner with a sort of ‘innocent’ sounding voice.
Maud simply reached into her pocket and withdrew him before setting him down on the counter next to Gummy. Boulder remembered Gummy, now. The two hadn’t spoken before, but Boulder had seen Gummy once a few years ago when Maud first came to this tiny town. For several moments, Boulder and Gummy gazed into each other’s eyes. When Pinkie and Maud left, the toothless alligator was the first to speak.
“What plans do you normally have for world domination, anyway?” Gummy asked.
“Rockslides.”
Back in the time after Maud’s ‘accident’ and that thing with Twiggles too…
So that was then. This is now. Little has changed.
“Are you sure leaving these two alone is a good idea?” Maud asked her sister as the pink mare in question put final touches on a plan for a huge party.
“Eh. They’ll be fine for a few hours while we set this gig up,” Pinkie assured her sister. “What could they possibly do in that time?”
“They want to take over the world.”
“So did Princess Luna! And now she’s our friend!”
“I don’t think it’s quite the same.”
“It’ll be fiiiiiine,” Pinkie Pie assured once again, completely and utterly confident in her assertion.
Maud was less sure, but went with it. “Fine. What is this party about anyway?”
“Well, there is the movie coming out soon so there is a LOT to celebrate!”
“Good point. I hope I make a cameo.”
“What are they talking about?” Gummy asked curiously.
“I stopped trying to figure it out several seasons ago.”
There was silence for a few moments after that, Gummy completely unmoving and yet eying Boulder with a perplexed expression that didn’t actually materialise on his face.
“You’ve spent far too long around these two ponies.”
“Yes. Yes, I have. And so have you.”
As they noticed Maud and Pinkie both leaving Sugarcube Corner to set up the party, they knew it was time to commence Operation World Takeoverer.
“That’s still not a word,” Boulder deadpanned.
“But what is a word? Isn’t it just-”
“Don’t start with that philosophical rubbish you do. We have a world to conquer.”
Gummy twitched his tail slightly in annoyance at being silenced. All the same, Boulder was right. They had a job to do. “Right… what was the plan again?”
“You FORGOT!?”
“I have a lot on my mind, give me a break!”
“Clear your head, then! We can’t have any distractions, here!”
“Right, okay. Clear my mind… make my thoughts like the void that is our reality.”
“Oh for the love of…”
“You should try philosophy sometime, it might make you realise-”
“SHUT UP!”
Gummy drooped without even moving. “OK…”
Boulder shifted slightly on the table, the equivalent of an alicorn blasting a mountain to pieces to let off some steam. “Alright… I’m calm now…”
“So… that plan?”
“Ah yes, you see…”
And so the plan was explained, for a good thirty minutes. Maybe add an additional ten to that. But still, it was explained. In essence, do you know the giant mine within the mountain on which Canterlot sits? Well, recent geological surveys have revealed that there may be one long tunnel leading all the way from that cave system to the very one where Maud had ‘set up shop’ as it were. All they had to do was find where the tunnels intersected, though they might need to break a wall or four between the two tunnels. That was where Boulder came in.
“So, that’s the plan?” Gummy asked for confirmation.
“Yes. And once in Canterlot we take the throne and demand the surrender of Princess Celestia?”
“What about Princess Luna?”
“She doesn’t even have her own throne so who cares?” Boulder spat with contempt. A leader without a throne... the very nerve.
If only he knew the things that Pinkie Pie did.
“Sounds perfect!” Gummy agreed. “This couldn’t possibly fail!”
“I know!” Boulder responded, glee present in the voice very few could actually hear. “Let’s go!”
They didn’t move.
Several more moments passed…
And they still hadn’t gone anywhere.
“Um… after you?” Gummy said.
“Uh, no… After you…”
“You’re the boss here, after you!”
“No… I… can’t…”
“You can’t?”
“I’M A ROCK, ALRIGHT!?” Boulder raged, holding complete and utter disdain for his unfortunate situation. “PICK ME UP YOU PHILOSOPHICAL SCALY TWIT!”
“Ouch… No need for such language.”
“WHAT LANGUAGE!?”
And so their completely perfect and completely foolproof plan to take over the world began. Once they manage to get off the counter, anyway. And then open a door far larger than them. Thank Celestia or whatever rock version exists for Gummy’s excellent jumping.
“It’s slimy in here,” Boulder remarked idly while Gummy slowly slapped his way towards Maud’s house entrance, occasionally receiving directions from the rock in his mouth. The wooded area around them slowly thinned out, a mailbox coming into view not far ahead.
“It’s my mouth. It has had many a visitor; none have been rocks before,” Gummy replied as he came to a stop in front of the downward slope. He slowly licked one of his eyes while contemplating how to proceed. “Hold on to something in there. Things are about to get bumpy.”
“What am I supposed to hold on with? I’m a rock!”
“Ground yourself,” Gummy suggested before taking a slow step into the home of Maud Pie. The sandstone under his foot crumbled and he lost his footing. He rolled down the slope, his body sounding like a wet sack of strawberries with every impact on the way down. In his mouth, Boulder was screaming in alarm. Probably because he was now lodged inside of Gummy’s sinuses.
Finally, Gummy came to a rest. Lying upon his back, staring into the sealing and trying to use his breath to force Boulder back onto his tongue so that his nostrils weren’t clogged.
“Boogers! Snot! MAKE IT STOP!” Boulder wailed. With a blink, Gummy sneezed. Boulder flipped out of his carrier’s nose and thumped against his scaly chest. “...Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Gummy replied before sluggishly rolling back over and taking Boulder back into his mouth. “Okay. I need to know where I’m going. I see the furniture up ahead, so which one should I look for, and where do I go when I find it?”
“Find the bed and face the waterfall. Then turn right and head down onto the small grassy and mossy platform below. Follow that platform and path until you are on the opposite side of the chamber from the furniture. Then spit me at the wall to your right. If we’re in the right area, we should be able to narrow down the spot by doing that a few times,” Boulder explained.
“Got it.”
For a short while, Gummy slowly strolled up to the bed and then followed Boulder’s instructions like gospel truth. At last, after what felt like almost half an hour, he stood at the other end of the chamber and faced the wall. Boulder quivered in disgust as he was maneuvered by the tongue and covered in saliva. Then, Gummy shot him at the wall.
‘TIRNK!’
Boulder collided with the wall and left a notable dent. Cracks spread along from the point of impact, taking a shape not unlike that of a spider web. To their left, where the cracks moved farther along the wall then the right, a few small pieces of the wall fell out, revealing a hollow space beyond...
“There! Shoot me at that wall!” Boulder ordered excitedly Gummy wasted no time in scooping Boulder up once more and spitting him at the disruptive surface. Boulder crashed into it and the wall came falling down, revealing a cavernous passage, slowly going up in altitude and lined with dark blue gems jutting from the walls like spears.
“Good, we have our entrance,” Gummy said happily before starting forward. “Boulder where are you?”
“Here.”
“Where?”
“Here, you dodo!”
“That isn’t exactly a helpful statement… there’s a lot of rocks ‘here’.”
It was then that the two realized a small flaw in their plan; Boulder was a rock. The wall he had just broken down was also made of rocks He was now surrounded by and buried in rocks.
The rescue operation took the better part of an hour.
Only after several more hours of climbing through dark caverns with only the faint glows of various gems, some magical, did Boulder and Gummy finally make it to the cavern beneath Canterlot. On arrival, they swore they spotted a bouquet and a little bit of dried blood as if several ponies had fought to bear death over it. But they thought nothing of it.
Of course, they immediately got lost in these caverns, that was the whole reason Queen Chrysalis imprisoned two others down there after all. They, in all their brilliant glory, had utterly failed to even remotely consider that fact. To bad for them.
So several more hours were wasted trying to figure out where in Equestria they were, and if that place was even still under Canterlot. However, their questions were answered when they somehow found themselves in a sewer. They weren’t even sure how that happened, but they did somehow blunder their way into it.
After that, it was but a question of following the flow of the sewage to see where it was coming from and then find a suitable drain which Gummy could hop up while Boulder hung on for dear life.
Of course, it wasn’t their fault they emerged in the mare’s shower room within Canterlot Castle.
“SEWER MONSTER, RUN!” one startled maid screamed as Gummy’s head popped out of the drain, the grate flying through the air and landing with a clatter.
The various mares promptly ran for their lives, many still with soaking wet coats from the showed and causing the blush of many stallions and mares alike in the hallways beyond. The troublesome duo had to note that fact was odd, especially considering most ponies never wore clothes.
“Well. We’re here, I think,” Gummy noted. “What do we do now?”
“Need you even ask?” Boulder asked with a sinister chuckle. “We complete phase one, and take the throne room while forcing the surrender of Princess Celestia!”
“And then what?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, what was phase two?”
Silence.
“You don’t even know, do you?”
“I didn’t think that far ahead.”
“So… we improvise!”
“Yes!” Boulder declared as if it was his idea. “It was my plan to improvise a plan! Genius, correct?”
“Not really…”
“Of course it is! Now come minion, the world awaits its new dominion!”
Gummy just mentally sighed, considered the philosophical implications of what a plan really was, and then continued to carry Boulder through the halls of the castle.
Just as they were leaving however, they spotted a large number of guards running towards them with the mares they had frightened earlier following shortly behind. Boulder let out a rather bad swear in sheer frustration that shall not be stated to protect the foals. While this was happening, Gummy looked around and spotted a food cart being wheeled along by a stallion in a suit with the cloth on top covering the lower compartment.
Seeing the opportunity, Gummy immediately hopped onto the cart and beneath the cover, shielding them from view as the guards rushed all heroically into the shower room only to find nothing but a busted drain.
“You do know this method is incredibly clichéd…” Boulder deadpanned.
“That’s just another word for tried and true, stop complaining.”
“Never.”
The cart continued on a little ways with Boulder and Gummy remaining completely still, which was easy considering it’s their natural state, and remaining incognito until they spotted an opportune time to make a run for it.
They never had to however, as when the cart stopped outside a rather large pair of doors the pony in the suit said something interesting to the guards by that door.
“Halt!” one of the guards stated. “State your business, court isn’t due to start again for another half hour.”
“Oh, this isn’t for court,” the pony replied. “Or, well, it kinda it. It’s Princess Celestia’s daily serving of cake to prepare herself for further royal activities.”
“Oh, I see…” the guard stated while letting his guard down, indicating this was very much a normal thing. “What is it this time?”
“Chocolate and toffee,” the butler responded.
“Where does she put it all?” one of the guards. “How can she eat so much cake and yet remain so hot…”
“Was that a pun?” the other guard deadpanned.
“...No…?”
The butler seemed impatient. “Excuse me, can I just do my job now?”
“Er, of course, sir!” the guard of puns quickly responded. “Go right in!”
“Is… this the throne room?” Boulder asked hopefully.
“I believe so.”
“Aha!” Boulder declared victoriously. “I told you my plan was perfect!”
“This was part of your plan?”
“Most definitely! Now never question me again!”
Gummy licked his eyeball in slight frustration, but the end was in sight. The butler wheeled the cart into the throne room and left it near the throne itself. The butler then left it there and exited, the vast doors closing behind him.
This left the cart, the duo of ultimate evil, and a completely empty throne room.
Gummy hopped off the cart, Boulder held in his mouth. He moved slowly until he was directly in front of the throne, both looking at it with completely emotionless eyes (and no eyes if you happen to be a rock) that hid such unparalleled awe.
“We… we did it!” Boulder stated. “We actually did it!”
“Wait… you weren't sure we would?” Gummy enquired with worry. “It was your plan!”
“No, I mean… Of course I did! And here we are!” Boulder quickly covered for himself. “Now let us deposit our bosoms onto the throne at once!”
“Isn’t that the old-timey word for a mare’s, er, you know…”
“... It’s not for bottom?”
“No.”
“Oh. Uh, forget that! Just put us on the damn thing!”
Gummy did as asked, and soon the alligator and the rock were resting comfortably on the red cushion.
“Wow, I didn't think it would be this comfortable,” Gummy noted. “Why isn’t my basket made of this material? Pinkie Pie, you and I will have serious words!”
“Forget that pink fool! We no longer need them!”
“But… I like Pinkie…”
“Quiet you fool!” Boulder shouted. “The final phase of the first phase begins now! And here comes the alicorn herself, I believe…”
He was proven correct when the throne room doors opened to reveal two bowing guards and the large regal figure of Princess Celestia walking gracefully through the doorway. She immediately spotted her cake as the doors closed, her eyes glinting with joy.
Then she noticed a small green lizard and a rock on the throne and thought: ‘What the buck?”
“BEHOLD, FORMER PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Boulder declared in his mightiest voice. “YOUR THRONE IS NOW MINE, AND YOUR ONLY COURSE OF ACTION IS IMMEDIATE SURRENDER!”
Celestia tilted her head. Of course, she couldn’t hear a word Boulder was saying, and was just curious as to why a rock and a small green alligator were in her seat.
“YOUR KINGDOM IS MINE! YOUR PONIES ARE MINE! AND YOUR FOALS SHALL BE MINE!”
“Uh… what?” Gummy questioned.
“Huh? What?”
“Dude, do you have a crush on Princess Celestia?”
“What? NO!”
“Was this what this was all really about?”
“SHUT IT FOOL!”
“Oh you have got to be kidding me…”
“A ROCK CAN DREAM DAMMIT!”
Princess Celestia couldn’t help but feel like she had seen that alligator before, and it hit her just as something pink and excitable did.
“There you two are!” Pinkie shouted, at that point in a pile of entangled limbs with a very confused Celestia. “We’ve been looking all over for you! And our special senses told us you were either trying to take over the world or Boulder was trying to seduce the Princess, I’m not sure which one they’re pretty similar body spasms.”
“I, uh, I don’t...What…?” Celestia asked, completely baffled.
“BUUUCK!” Boulder screamed “I REFUSE TO BE FOILED BY YOU!”
“Then what about me?” Maud said in an angry deadpan as she also entered the room. “Bad Boulder. Bad.”
“YOU DO NOT CONTROL ME, WOMAN! I’M TIA’S NOW!”
“Boulder, let it go,” Gummy gently stated.
“What is happening?” Celestia asked once more, and once more, her questions went unanswered.
“Come on, let’s get you home and have a long talk about the proper way to treat your mare,” Maud stated as she picked Boulder up and put him in her pocket.
“What!?” Celestia exclaimed one more time.
“You too Gummy, come on!” Pinkie said cheerfully, the alligator happily listening to his owner and hopping into her mane.
“Sorry for the interruption,” Maud said to the Princess of the Sun. “You may continue with your day now.”
And with that, the two mares left the throne room with their respective pets in tow.
“CELESTIA! I’LL COME BACK FOR YOOOOU!!!” Boulder cried out as he was taken away.
All the while, Princess Celestia sat on the floor without the faintest idea of what in all of Equestria just happened.
Of course, then she remembered it was a Saturday and it all made perfect sense.
Kinda.
“Dude.. that was a weird plot twist there.”
-Skijarama
“Ah, the birth of a ship is a glorious thing…”
-Tom117z
“I’d say ‘no, Tom, bad,’ but frankly… at this point, I can’t even be mad.”
-Skijarama
“♪...and the other is insane!♪”
-Tom117z
Author's Note
Let's just be clear here, neither of us are geniuses but we are very much insane! 
And to be honest, you have this guy to thank for this...
'Hey Boulder. What do you want to do tonight?'
'The same thing we do every night Gummy. Try and take over the world!'
-Elite Night Guard
Want to keep up with this universe of utter stupidity? Find all the other entries here:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/212434/idiocyverse
