I Think I Summoned a Ponk: The Arrival of Derp

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 3121

Quite self explanatory.

This story is comment driven! Have fun!

:trollestia: Oh, you knew this was gonna happen. :trollestia:

Let’s just say that Pinkie’s in my house. Also, I still don’t have much of an idea of where she came from. Nor do I really know about the new girl...pegasus...um...derp.

The official official sequel to the original. Ignore "From One End to Another". That ended up being part of a series of semi-related fics that I still quite regret writing.

Published 2017-10-08 05:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-05 04:29:42 UTC

THE POWER OF MUFFINS COMPELS YOU.

...

...

Why is it suddenly dark outside?

"THE POWER OF MUFFINS COMPELS YOU!" Derpy hollered, leaping up before me in a black-draped muffin-suit-thing.

Pinkie giggled. "Silly Derpy!", she exclaimed, "You can't start a cult!"

...

At least... not yet...

"Wat." I deadpanned, watching the two bickering over when was the correct time to raise a world-dominating cult.

"Exactly!" both replied at once, Derpy throwing off her muffin-suit, and Pinkie catching it as it fluttered through the air for a brief moment.

Just like, half an hour into my morning, and things are already weird as usual. It'd be nice if I could maybe get a bre--

--ak from it all? Sure!

OH NO PLEASE NO, PINKIE--

*SHOOP DA WHOOP*

Oh, cool. So are we in some sort of parallel universe or something?

You're close!

...Alternate universe?

Warmer!

Okay, give me a hint, Pinkie. Does it have something to do with the fact that Derpy isn't in this place with us?

Nope!

Then where is she?

A wild DERPY has appeared!

Oh. There she is. Never mind then.

Pinkie used CHOKE HOLD!

WHAT.

"PINKIE, NO!" I shouted, lunging at the mare.

"FUN!" screamed Pinkie, crushing Derpy even closer to her body.

"STOP IT!"

Pinkie used IT WASN'T REAL!

What.

"Gotcha." Pinkie sneered, ruffling Derpy's mane.

DERPY used SUCKER PUNCH!

"WHERE ARE THESE EVEN COMING FROM?!"

DERPY missed, and grabbed a muffin instead!

...

Okay, this may be one of the strangest pocket universes I've seen this week.

RIGHT ON THE NAIL. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Please no, Pinkie.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...

Swiggity Swooty

Author's Note

Not that this chapter actually has anything to do with the title. Right?

Swiggity Swooty

I'm comin' for that booty!

"Hu-GAH!" I shouted, jerking upright from my bed in surprise.

...Wait, that was all a dream?

Leave the life dreams to Dashie. That was real!

Please don't remind me.

Gotcha!

LET GO OF MY BUTT!

Awww...

I yawned, looking to the side. Pinkie, amazingly, was still sleeping soundly, with Derpy being completely curled up around the mare like some sort of magical living pony-scarf of sorts. I'm not gonna ask how she did it.

"Hey Derpster! How do you do it?" Pinkie said, literally popping awake.

Derpy, who was just flung against the window, (and consequently through said window,) shouted back, "WHAT?"

Pinkie grinned nervously before pulling Derpy back through the window with her rubberlike foreleg-arm-noodle-things.

"Whoopsies?"

...

Nevermind. What day is it today anyways? It felt like we spent an eternity in that wacko place.

"Monday morning, seven o' clock, tops!" Pinkie squealed, mashing my calendar into my face.

Crap.

Gotta go fast?

Yup.

"SANIC FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!" Pinkie yelled as we burst from my front door on a bike. Normally, I'd just hop on a bus or something, but considering how the bus kinda already made it's rounds a while back, I'm just gonna take the next best chance.

Of which, in this case, is my bike. And before you ask, yes, it's now powered entirely off of Pinkie's hyperactivity.

Hence why I'm now waiting for the police officer to give me my speeding ticket. 'Cause apparently, having a literal pink ball of energy propelling your bike into what seemed like warp-drive speeds still gives you a ticket even if you used a wormhole as a shortcut through traffic.

...

Since when were there even interdimensional cops, anyways?!

"And where'd Derpy go?!" I shouted in realization, staring back at the empty seat that the pegasus was in.

I'll get her! I think we left her back in the wormhole when I accidentally caused a timeline split!

Um.

~~~{Meanwhile, in a parallel universe...}~~~

"Wait a sec... where'd Pinkie go?! She was just here a moment ag--"

~~~Universe collision noises~~~

"--oh. Here she is. And geez, where'd all this smoke come from?"

"Didn't you read the lines? I mashed the timelines together because if I didn't then there'd be two of everything!" Pinkie replied, dousing her flaming mane with a nearby garden hose from who-knows-where.

"What." I deadpanned as per usual, "Are. You. Even. Talking. About?"

"I don't know!" Pinkie replied, pulling a rocket out of nowhere. "Now come on, you're gonna be late!"

In which Pinkie has the Elements of Definitely-Totally-Harmony.

Pinkie, Derpy, and I burst into class. Literally. Through the wall. On a rocket. At the speed of sound. With a pungent smell of burnt cupcakes wafting around us. Because we were all on fire.

Not anymore!

*le sploosh*

Aaaaaand we're drenched. And poor Derpy's upset as well. Her muffins are soggy.

*le flame*

Aaaaaand we're on fire again, but Derpy's now got crispy muffins.

*kersplishysplash*

"PINKIE" I screamed, "WILL YOU STOP CONTROLLING THE ELEMENTS?!"

"What?" Pinkie shrugged in return, holding up what seemed to be a pile of jewelry. "These elements?"

~~~{Meanwhile, in one of the many Equestrias of the multiverse...}~~~

"WHERE ARE THEY?!" Twilight screamed as Cybernetically-Enhanced Tirekicorn lumbered through Ponyville, "PINKIE, I SWEAR, IF YOU TOOK THEM AGAIN, I'LL PERSONALLY BANISH YOU TO TARTARUS!"

"Woah." said the aforementioned Cyberneticaly-Enhanced Tirekicorn, grabbing the tiny Twilight by the scruff of her neck, "Evil enchanteress, I'm guessing?"

Definitely-not-an-evil-enchanteress-of-the-dark-arts-Twilight scowled deeply at the vailiant protector of Equestria.

"Meh." Tirek continued, flicking the pony into a nearby conveniently located opened pony-sized cage flanked by guards, "Take her to Celestina, guys."

Suddenly, the pile of jewelry began to shudder violently, glowing with the entire visible spectrum of light.

*le boom*

Timeline merge!

"Okay," I began slowly, "So I'm meeting my literal self. Don't act weird, don't reveal any future events, and definitely don't--"

"Hey," Past-me began, "You look like you just came from a car-chase and a large explosion. What gives?"

Welp.

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble. Slowly at first, but gradually growing faster and stronger.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Past-me and I both exclaimed as we suddenly found each other beginning to slide closer to each other.

"Timeline merge!" Past-Pinkie screeched happily, stuffing a muffin in our time's Derpy.

*Universe crushing noises*

...

...

Well, that happened.

Yup. It sure did.

Woah! WHO ARE YOU?!

Idunno, who're you?

...

Are you my conscience?

Maybe.

...

...

WAIT, the timelines just merged, so... are you past-me?

I have no idea, but since the first thing that happened this morning was future me landing on my face,
I'm guessing that I am in fact, your past self.

Huh. Weird.

You think that's weird, you should see what Pinkie and Derpy are doing in their minds.

I don't want to.

Enter: L.Y.R.A.

"Hello." a metallic voice suddenly called from a dark corner of the room, "I am your Local Yeti Removal Autobot."

"Lyra!" Pinkie squealed happily, crushing the robot in her hug, "You're here!"

"Ahem." Another voice called from behind my front door, "Pinkie, are you hugging my marefriend's Yeti Removal robot again?"

"Whoops!" Pinkie replied, speeding down to the door in a literal blur. One door-slam later, and now I have not one, not two, but three ponies in my house. An "Earth Pony", a Pegasus, and a Unicorn. Geez, you'd think that by now there'd be a centaur or something. Maybe a satyr.

"LYRA!" a gruff voice shouted, pounding on my door shortly after Pinkie closed it, "COME OUT WHERE I CAN FIGHT YOU!"

"Whoops." Lyra exclaimed, "Pinkie, throw the L.Y.R.A. through the window, please. The yeti's here again."

Pinkie saluted, and proceeded to smash a hole in my window by throwing the robot at full-force through said window.

One yeti-ish yelp of terror later, and things were (mostly) back to normal.

Except maybe for the fact that Lyra is currently cuddling my hands.

Author's Note

Ask and ye shall receive. :trollestia:

Lunchtime shenanigans

"Pinkie..." I began slowly, holding up a lunch tray, "Baked potatoes are for eating, not for artillery."

Pinkie paused, staring at me with her cartoonish eyes...

...and then chucked the potato at the freakin' speed of sound.

The resulting mess kinda... splattered all over the stairs behind me.

Why.

Potatoes make funny noises when they explode!

...

But potatoes aren't the only things that make funny sounds when exploding...

Um.

"Excuse me, young man," a teacher known for their short temper began, shaking me from my internalized conversation with Pinkie, "I believe that you are responsible for your... pet's mess."

Urk.

I got up to walk towards the bathroom, ignoring the sounds of Derpy destroying her muffin stockpile inside my backpack.

Author's Note

Goin' with the old Ponk formula: short, slice of life-y chapters with comedy and randomness mixed into it all. :twilightsmile:

The Derpster Arrives

Author's Note

:derpytongue2: Now with 100% more derp! :derpytongue2:

You don’t need to read the first story to read this. In a way, this is both a rewrite to include Derpy, and a sequel to the original fic. :twilightsmile:

The Derpster Arrives

“Hey,”

Urk.

“Hellooooooo?”

“Go back to sleep, Pinkie.” I groaned. It was a Saturday, and on days like these, sleep was golden.

“How about a muffin?”

... That’s new. The voice, I mean.

I cracked an eye ope--

Well geez, that sure sounds like it hurt. Do you want some tape? Oh! I got superglue!

What-- no. Please get out of my head for now, Pinkie. Who’s the new girl, anyways?

Okies! I’ve just ba-”-arely pulled Derpy from your backpack. She said she wanted muffins.”

Wait, what?

"Do you wanna say hi to her? Say hi, Derpy!"

"Hya!"

Hrm.

Finally, I arose from my ~~wonderful slumber that allowed me to traverse across multiple realities created by my own willpower~~ sleep to take a better look at the pony in question.

“Hya! I’m Muffins! Do you want some Derpy?”

Erm. Pretty sure that didn't come out correctly.

“Sure?” I murmured, mildly afraid of what could possibly come from the pony Pinkie had brought with her.

*MMMMUUUUFFFFFFFIIINNNNNSSSSS!!!*

Oh. My house is now flooded with muffins. I kinda expected that.

“Where’d you get those, anyways, uh... Derpy?” I asked, wading through the chest-deep sea of muffins that had appeared seconds prior. At least, I’m assuming that the mare switched “Muffins” and “Derpy” when she said that...

Pinkie ruffled her mane, causing a handful more muffins to rain down. Welp. That sure explains it.

“Also, how did she get here?”

Derpy waved her hoof in dismissal, sending a muffin ricocheting past my head. “I just got ejected from reality. Again!”

"No," Pinkie countered with a pout, "You said you wanted to know what I was doing when I reappeared in Equestria!"

I’ll ignore that for now.

“So... uh, what are we gonna do now?” I asked, still wading through the muffins, “We’re kinda trapped in... muffins.”

Pinkie shrugged, and moments later, a loud sucking sound, followed by the visible draining of muffins began to occur. Soon enough, the room was once again muffin-free. (That is, if you don’t count the one Derpy’s still holding.)

The Chase

First I get a traffic ticket from speeding on a bike, but was that the most of it? NOPE!

'Cause apparently, a certain somebody decided it was a good idea to bring highly unstable artifacts out of their designated reality, and cause a freakin' NUCLEAR RAINBOW.

Not that it's actually nuclear, but it does help put the image into one's mind as far as the scale of destruction goes.

Either way, the three of us-- me, Pinkie, and Derpy, are kinda on the run now from a squadron of SWAT guys who were deployed after the explosion.

...

...

How come I don't hear the sirens anymore?

Derpy! That's why!

I turned towards Derpy. Except... she wasn't there anymore. After a good bit of squinting in the direction Pinkie motioned me to look, I could barely make out the figure of a large, frighteningly intimidating...

Derpy in a Mechanized-Muffin-Power-Suit... thing.

And sheesh, does that mare know how to fight!

...

...

Alrighty now, Anon's getting a bit boring, so let's get a sudden out-of-body experience!

Wait wha--

*le dead*

...

So apparently, I'm a ghost now. All I'm gonna say is that my body landed in what looks like a very painful position.

Come on, I didn't kick you out of your own body just to let you stare at yourself in a totally not creepy way!

Fine. Let's see what Derpy's doing.

Yay!

I see... Derpy... firing muffin stun-grenades?

"Stand back, uh-- whatever you are!" one of the officers yelled towards the head of the Derpy-Muffin-Bot-Thingy, before being "booped" (complete with sound effects) by a large, disembodied floating hand made of muffins.

Whoops! Looks like Derpy's gonna be picking you up now. See? She turned on the muff-thrusters!

... So...

Lemme stuff you back into your body now!

Suddenly, I painfully gasped for air as I pulled my physical face from a cactus.

Author's Note

Muffin-powered Derp Cyborg? Check.

Whoosh!

I may or may not be in the strangest situation I've ever encountered in my life.

As I'm saying this, I'm being held in the steel hands of Derpy's Muffin-Power-Suit-Thing, with Pinkie flying alongside us through the air as we run from the law.

And all of this was because of a speeding ticket. Aaaaaand maybe a certain mare who thought it was a good idea to take some explosive crystals from an alternate universe. But y'know, life happens, amirite?

Yeah!

... I have no idea what to do now.

Well, we can just undo all of this and go back to boring ol' normal life...

How?

Suddenly, Pinkie pulled a cardboard box from her mane, its sides decorated with scribbled-on dials and meters.

"TIME MACHINE!" she hollered, suddenly grabbing hold of all of us, herself included, and stuffing us into the box.

*Whoosh!*

"Hey,"

Urk.

“Hellooooooo?”

"Go back to sleep, Pinkie, it's--" I paused, jerking out of bed and feeling my face for cactus spines. Of which, there weren't any.

"Pinkie," I began, turning towards the mare, "it worked!"

Except there were two Pinkies, and two Derpys. Derpys? Derpies? Whatever. As for me...

"MMFPH!" past-me screamed as he struggled to push me off of... myself, "What the he--"

"CHILD FRIENDLY!" both Pinkies screamed, simultaneously slapping past-me.

Author's Note

Most definitely certainly a normal next day.

Okay, so after the whole Yeti/Lyra/L.Y.R.A. thing passed over, Lyra and L.Y.R.A. returned to Equestria through Pinkie's mane, leaving the Yeti somewhere on the moon.

As for me, I'm still here. So are Pinkie and Derpy.

Honestly, a normal day would be pretty nice at this point.

Normal, you say?

...Um.

Okay!

...

Well that was nice.

"I want muffins." Derpy stated flatly, walking towards my bedroom door. "Do you have any?"

I shook my head. "Ask Pinkie." I replied in return, "Don't forget that she flooded my house with those things not too long ago."

*Suddenly, muffins!*

"See?" I continued, pointing at the large pile of muffins now sitting before Derpy, "Just like magic."

"BUT IT IS MAGIC!" Pinkie exclaimed, bursting from the muffin pile.

"Close enough."

"And so," the teacher concluded as he began erasing the board, "that concludes your lesson today. You have three minutes before the bell rings."

Pinkie made a funny noise from within my backpack, with Derpy giggling in return.

...

...

Aaaaand the entire class is now staring at me.

Great.

"Pinkie?" One of my classmates asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yup." I confirmed. Seems like the class is used to hearing Pinkie's antics now.

Derpy popped her head from a crack in the zipper.

"Hia!"

The guy who had just asked me facepalmed.

"Another one?"

"Yup."

"You should probably just let them out at this point," the girl behind me piped up, "pretty much everyone knows now."

"And everyone also knows about your questionably existent hair!" Pinkie chirped.

Stop bringing up the fact that I have hair that phases in and out of existence, Pinkie.

Tee hee.

Author's Note

It's been a while since I brought up Anon's questionably bald head.

CLEAN UP, CLEAN UP, EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE!

Author's Note

CLEAN UP, CLEAN UP, EVERYBODY DO YOUR SHARE! :pinkiecrazy:

CLEAN UP, CLEAN UP, EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE!

"Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!"

"Pinkie..." I groaned from the pony's strangely familiar sweeping chant, "Could you pleeeeeaaaase stop that?"

Pinkie paused for a moment, her eyes practically piercing into my soul.

"Nope!" she suddenly chirped, before returning to her chant.

Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!

Nuuuuuuuuu...

What? It's for motivation!

Pinkie. Annoying me is the exact opposite of what's going to motivate me to clean up the mess you made.

"Oh," Pinkie began, her voice exiting my mind, "I thought we were supposed to be sweeping all the dust away!"

I facepalmed. "No, Pinkie. I have to scrub baked potato off of the stairs."

Well, that's not gonna be a very big problem!

Wait, what do you--

Pinkie proceeded to make a loud vacuum noise as she literally sucked the potato residue off of the stairs.

Derpy continued to ignore the passage of reality as she nibbled on the remaining muffins within my backpack.

"Sanity medication"

Alright, alright. All this crazyness is getting waaay too far. First thing I'ma do is get some migraine pills.

"Don't you mean sanity meds?" Pinkie squeaked as she hopped onto my lap, reading my mind as usual.

No, Pinkie.

"Muffin potions?" Derpy added, joining the conversation without really knowing what was going on.

"No." I deadpanned, rubbing an eye with the back of my hand, "I just have a headache, and I want you to leave me alone."

Pinkie went quiet for a moment as she stuck a hoof in her mane.

And proceeded to pull out a very professional-looking bottle labeled "For headaches".

Um.

Before I could say anything, Pinkie proceeded to stuff the entire bottle down my throat. Strangely, the bottle itself tasted like gummy bears.

...

...

Aaaaaand... um. Well then. At least my headache is gone?

In the place of Pinkie is some random girl in her early twenties just kinda sitting on my bed, and Derpy is... another girl stuck headfirst in my backpack.

Did it work?

"Did what work, Pinkie?" I replied aloud.

The girl on my bed looked at me. Like, stare into your soul and rearrange your thoughts kind of looked at me.

Your sanity medication!

If you've actually been a human girl all this time and you and Derpy happened to somehow break in and use some sort of high-tech teleportation and storage device for half of everything, then yes. Yes, I do feel quite sane.

Otherwise, MAKE IT STAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!

...Oopsies! That was the hallucinogens!

What.

It was the INsanity medication!

Author's Note

Pls no, Ponk.