Sombra the Incompetent

by Lil Penpusher

Rating: teen
Tags: Shining Armor, King Sombra, Royal Guard, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 2272

Remember Sombra? Yeah, King Sombra, the guy that once was an evil dictator and ruled over his subjects with an iron hoof. Turns out he is actually incompetent and retarded. Why? I dunno, because this is a comedy, I guess.

King Sombra. Remember him? Yeah, that guy. The guy that used to be an evil dictator, sometimes called the definition of evil, and ruled over his subjects with an iron hoof. Yes, him.

Turns out that his prestige wasn’t the only thing he lost when he was first defeated, seeing as he has also lost all his brain cells and common sense. So much, in fact, that he got himself imprisoned for trying to steal from the Princess of Love herself.

But! He has been freed from prison and is now on his way to take revenge at last, and reclaim the throne that rightfully belongs to him!

...Or, that’s what he hopes. Sombra was never really too good at planning things, really.

Sequel to my comedy story MLP: Diplomacy is dumb. Reading it is advised but not necessary to understand this story.
Proofread and edited by the magnificent Infuscate!

Published 2017-07-06 16:10:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-06 16:10:11 UTC

An Apology is enough

At last...I am free! This petty pony prison could never hold me, King Sombra, back for long! I am far too powerful for my actions to be restricted by such things as iron bars. And now, with my freedom regained, I shall return to my Kingdom and reclaim what is rightfully mine! I shall-

“Sir, are you talking to yourself?” Asked a lime green mare sitting next to Sombra.

“...I wasn’t screaming again, was I?” Sombra asked the mare regretfully. The mare simply shook her head in response. “Phew.”

Sombra turned his head to the window on his left where trees, towns and mountains passed on by as the train travelled through the different areas of Equestria.

You’ll see, Cadance...I will get my revenge...whether you like it or not!

“Are you sure you’re alright?” The mare next to him asked again, holding a book in her hooves. Sombra didn’t bother turning his head towards her. “Maybe you should get some sleep.”

“Bleh.” Sombra responded, waving a hoof at her as he continued to stare out the window.

All who come across me shall bow to me and my power! I will reclaim my home, my realm, and banish those who dare take it away from me!
“Yeah, well...” The mare concluded, closing her book. “I think I’ll just leave you to it.” She said, getting up from the bench they shared and walking off to a different part of the compartment.

Prepare yourself, Princess, for I am coming, and I will show no mercy...

Sombra marched down the main street of the Crystal Empire, heading straight towards the center at which the Palace stood. The ponies in the streets were shocked as they saw who was casually walking by, noticing his red horn, his glowing, green eyes and the torn red cape on his back.

Ah hah! My loyal subjects remember their rightful King, I see. Already they shiver and cower at the sheer presence of me. Freeing them from the Princess’ rule is going to be child’s play.

“Stop right there!” A guard shouted as he and two fellow guards confronted Sombra head-on. “What are you doing here?” They asked the ex-ruler, pointing their spears at him. The surrounding ponies in the street remained shocked, watching the scene silently.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sombra asked the guards.

The three armoured stallions looked at each other briefly before turning back to Sombra and replying: “Nope.”

“Well,” Sombra replied, “What could the ex-dicta- uh, I mean, ex-beloved King of the Crystal Empire want in the Crystal Empire?”

“Uuuh...” One of the guards gave out, dumbfounded. “Have a Tea Party with the Princess, maybe?”

“...You...” Sombra said before facehoofing. “Yes. Yes, of course. That’s exactly what I wanted to do. Could you maybe do me the favour of escorting me to her? I’m sure she wouldn’t want to wait.”

The guards once again looked at each other, exchanging some last doubtful looks before shrugging their doubts off at last. “Sure thing. Follow our lead.” One of them said as they turned around.

Sombra gave out a deep, evil laughter, following closely behind the three stallions as they marched towards the Crystal Palace.

The hour of justice is near, Cadance! I will get my revenge at last!

“What was that?” One of the guards asked at hearing Sombra’s monologue.

Sombra jumped up in surprise. “Oh, uh, nothing. I’m just so, uh...eager to see the Princess. Yes.” Sombra explained. The guard simply shrugged and marched on, buying Sombra’s cheap excuse because Royal guards have the mental capacity of a peanut. You can’t spell nutrition without nut.

“Right. There we are.” A guard said, standing in front of the doors to the throne room. “You sure you can take it from here?” He asked Sombra who had already muted the guard inside his head.

Ready or not, Princess, here I come...

“...Well, I guess that’s a yes. Have a good one.” The guard said, he and his two guard friends leaving Sombra to himself in front of the gigantic doors to the throne room.

These doors...oh how I’ve missed them. Don’t worry, my throne, Daddy is coming for you.

Sombra’s horn began emitting an evil red light. A swirling vortex of malignant energy surrounding it as the doors slowly opened before him. A cruel smirk appeared on the unholy monarch’s face as the path opened. One step after another, he began setting foot into the throne room.

“Greetings! Who may you...be...” Cadence asked, pausing as she managed to identify who had entered the room as he stepped out of the shadows. “Oh. It’s you.” The Princess added in a monotone voice, remaining calm and seated on her throne.

“Greetings, indeed, dear Princess. Remember me?” Sombra asked.

“Hmm, let’s see...” Cadance replied, stroking her chin, “You enslaved the entire Crystal Empire, were defeated, then came back out of your exile to retake the Crystal Empire, attempting to enslave everypony in town while also trying to murder me, my husband, the elements of Harmony, Princess Luna and Celestia. Oh, and you were present at the fairly recent villain assembly thingie.”

“So?” Sombra asked, raising an eyebrow, “Do you? Do you remember?”

The Princess gave out an annoyed sigh in response. “Yes, Sombra. Yes, I do remember you. And I especially remember you trying to steal from me.”

“Very good, just as I had planned.” The unicorn replied.

“You? A ‘plan’?” Cadance countered.

“...Shut up, my previous plans have always worked out brilliantly!” Sombra barked at the Princess in an insulted voice.

“I didn’t know your plan was to get killed or arrested by the police. Huh.” Cadance countered once more.

Sombra took a deep, calming breath before he even had the chance to start a rant. “Anyways.” He said, now much more pacified than before, “I’m sure you’re happy to see me.”

“Yeah.” The Princess said sarcastically, whilst resting her head on one of her hooves, “Really glad to have you back. Did they let you out of prison already?”

“Of course! Nothing like a prison could hold me back for long! I’ll have you know, my powers are far beyond those of you or any other unicorn in Equestria!” Sombra exclaimed.

Cadance simply raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“...I also got Trixie to pay the caution to let me go earlier.” The ex-King confessed.

“Trixie? I thought she hated you?” Cadance asked him, unable to raise her eyebrow even higher than it already was.

“I had to agree to a pretty dirty deal...” Sombra admitted shamefully, “I don’t wanna talk about it...”

“You didn’t agree to do what I think you did...” The Princess asked him, “...Right?”

“I did...” Sombra replied, a single tear of regret flowing down his cheeks. “I...I had to visit one of her magic shows!”

The Princess inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly. “Phew.”

This time Sombra was the one raising a questioning eyebrow. “What? What were you thinking I did?”

“Nothing.” The Princess claimed. “Nothing at all.”

“Right, anyway. I think we both know why I’m here.”

“Yes. To annoy me.” The Princess replied.

“Pfft, no! That was only a quarter of my plan at max.” Sombra said, “I am here to take what is mine and reclaim my Kingdom.”

“You mean my Kingdom?”

“Yes, my Kingdom.”

The two monarchs growled at each other, only to be interrupted as a third pony stepped inside the throne room.

“What’s going on in here?” Shining Armour asked, wearing a royal guard uniform. He stopped dead in his tracks as Sombra turned around to face him, his eyes narrowing and becoming nothing more than small slits. “You...” He muttered to himself.

“Glad to see you too, Prince Shi-”

“Not one more word, villain!” Shining Armour interrupted, dashing towards Sombra and eyeing him down.

“Good day to you, too.” Sombra said to the now dangerously close Prince.

“Shining, dear, leave him be. For now, anyway.” Cadance interrupted.

Shining looked over to his wife, dumbfounded at what she had just said. “But...Cadance, dear, look! It’s Sombra! He’s the manifestation of evil!”

Cadance glanced over to Sombra for a short moment, taking her husband’s words into consideration. “That may be. But he’s also harmless and incompetent.”

“Yeah!” Sombra shouted into Shining Armour’s face. “Wait...Hey! I’m not incompetent!” He complained.

“Sombra, you tried to steal a simple crystal from me.” The Princess told the not-so-evil-villain.

“And?” Sombra countered.

“You were caught...”

“So?” Sombra countered again.

“You went to jail, Sombra...” Cadance was quite visibly growing tired of Sombra.

“You see, that was all part of my master plan!” Sombra exclaimed.

“Ah hah, so your genius master plan entails getting beat up by the local law enforcement and going to prison?” The Princess asked Sombra.

“...Yes.” Sombra confirmed quietly.

“Truly a master plan.” Shining Armour commented, standing closely next to Sombra.

“I will admit, I’ve come up with better plans in the past...” Sombra said, almost a bit shameful.

“That all failed, might I add.” The Princess of Love added, smiling.

“Hey! I came pretty dang close to victory back when I was a spooky shadow monster!” Sombra said, attempting to still somehow defend himself.

“You were defeated by Spike, Sombra...” Cadance countered.

“You know th-”

“A baby dragon, Sombra.” Shining Armour interrupted him.

“Shut up, I know I-”

“A. Baby. Dragon.” The Prince repeated, taunting his adversary.

“Can we get back on course, please!?” Sombra shouted into the room.

Both Shining Armour and Cadance went silent for a few seconds.

“...Thank you.” The evil unicorn said in response to the sudden silence, “So, as I was saying; I’m gonna be taking what is mine.”

“The coffee machine?” Shining Armour asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I- no!” Sombra barket at him. “Although...yes, that too.”

“Sombra, are you saying the entirety of your ‘Master plan to retake the Crystal Empire’ is to casually walk into the throne room, ask me to abdicate and then hope for the best?” The Princess asked the not-so-evil unicorn.

Sombra was silent as he looked back and forth between Cadance and Shining Armour. “Well...”

“Let me ask it in a different way, dear Sombra...” Cadance interrupted before he could answer, “You came up with this ‘brilliant plan’ in prison, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?” Sombra replied honestly.

“How long did you spend thinking of this ‘plan’ of yours?” Cadance asked mockingly.

“Um...about ten minutes or so, I think.” Sombra replied after thinking deeply for a short moment, unable to recognize the mocking tone of Cadance.

“Dear Celestia, what did I do to deserve this...?” Cadance mumbled to herself, facehoofing herself.

“Sooo...” Sombra spoke up, “Can I just-”

“No, Sombra.” Cadance replied angrily and annoyed, “No! No, you cannot take over the Crystal Empire!” Cadance shouted at Sombra who was seemingly shrinking in size at these loud, harsh words.

“Pretty please...?” He attempted once again.

Cadance began to take deep breathes as her anger grew. “Ask that one more time and you can be sure to spend the rest of your week trying to glue your horn back onto your head.” The Princess threatened.

Sombra gulped, turning towards Shining Armour, “Is she always like that...?” He whispered to him.

The Prince chuckled quietly, whispering back to him: “Only when dealing with nutjobs and retards. Or both, in your case.”

“Well...” Sombra began, looking back over to the Princess that was still attempting to control her anger, “Considering the situation, it is probably best I... temporarily give up my claims on the throne.” Sombra presented to the Princess heavy-heartedly.

“You never had one to begin with...” Cadance mumbled angrily.

“However!” Sombra spoke up again, much to the demise of both the Prince and the Princess, “There is a price to all of this!”

“I dare you ask for even a single bit, Sombra...” Cadance threatened him again, her stare seemingly melting Sombra’s brain (or whatever is still left of it).

“N-No...no, that wasn’t what I was going to ask for at all! Haha!” Sombra countered with a fake laugh. “I was just, uh...”

Cadance suddenly rose from her throne, her eyes still locked onto Sombra as her stare had the effect of a dagger hitting Sombra’s heart.

“Please, go on~” Cadance said to him, secretly hoping she would get the chance to hurt him.

“I, uh...” Sombra stuttered. “You know...I think...” He said, gulping as the Princess took a step towards him. “I think an apology is enough.”

Cadance quietly walked towards Sombra, one hoof after the other, and watched as Sombra began to sweat all over.

“Yes.” Cadance said, now standing right in front of Sombra, “I think that’s enough.”

“S-So...?” Sombra asked, his body shaking.

“So? I’m waiting, Sombra. Where’s the apology?” Cadance asked.

“Oh...but, I was expecting an apology...from you.” He said, noticing Cadance beginning to growl in anger. “Uh, you know, because of the whole ‘you got me into jail and denied me my throne’ thingie.” He explained, only increasing Cadance’s anger. “Heh. Hehe.” He laughed artificially.

“I should run now, shouldn’t I?” Sombra asked the Princess, whose head was almost glowing red of anger.

“I’ll give you a headstart.”

“Oh my, that’s nice of y-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

And with that, Sombra turned tail, running out the very door he had entered. Only a few seconds later, Cadance, clearly enjoying every second of this, sprinted after him. Which leaves Shining Armour as the only one left in the room.

“The hay just happened...?” He asked himself out loud.

He looked around the room, noticing he was the only one and that he was idly standing in an empty room. “I need a drink...”