War Machine: Locked and Loaded

by Joker the Hedgehog

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Science Fiction, King Sombra, Profanity, Violence, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Avengers, Other, Adventure
Length: 4837

Jack Daniels finds himself fighting for Equestria in the Crystal Wars, armed with intelligence to rival that of Tony Stark, the MK.VI War Machine armor, complete with its own JARVIS-esque AI called KILROY. Sombra's gonna need A LOT more troops.

After being shot to death during a drive-by shooting while on a blind date, Jack Daniels wakes up in a secret research facility during a brutal and bloody war between the Crystal Empire, ruled by the dark tyrant Sombra, and the Kingdom of Equestria, led by Princess Celestia and her younger sister, Princess Luna, and discovers he's somehow armed with intellect to rival Tony Stark and the MK.VI War Machine armor, complete with its own AI named KILROY. After escaping the facility with the help of the Equestrian military, Jack allies himself with the Princesses and Equestria, promptly being assigned to Rainbow "Iron Wing" Dash's elite combat unit, made up of Dash herself, Applejack Apple, Pinkamena Diane Pie, Starlight Glimmer, Maud Pie, and Celestia's surrogate son, Spike. Together, the seven of them lay waste to King Sombra's forces, quickly becoming on of the most decorated units in the Equestrian military.

Unfortunately, King Sombra's lover and Head of Scientific Research and Development, Twilight Sparkle, has been working on a top-secret military project known only as EXTREMIS. As if that wasn't enough, Sombra, realizing the threat that the aptly-named War Machine armor and its pilot pose to his Empire, has hired some deadly assassins known to have been responsible for the annihilation of entire armies to take out the War Machine's pilot.

On top of all that, with each victory, Jack's ego continues to get stroked, and as they say, pride goes before a fall.

Published 2017-08-31 15:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-31 15:20:06 UTC

Rude Awakening

Author's Note

Greetings Gotham, Joker here! Welcome to my latest Displaced creation! Hopefully this one will go over better than my last attempt. Well, may fortune favor the foolish, and let's get this party started!

Waking Up To War

A group of soldiers stalked down the once-lively streets of Tempest, clad in the uniform of the Crystal Empire, some of whom had crystalline wings sprouting from their backs while others had horn protruding from their foreheads. Six years ago, this street would’ve been one of many in the Crystal Empire, bright and glistening with snow and crystals. Now, however, it was nothing more than a warzone, the result of a bloody war that had all but destroyed Equestria and the Crystal Empire.

“All clear so far,” said one of the soldiers to his commanding officer, his helmet distorting his voice

“Stay sharp, men… you never know where The War Machine could be hiding, waiting to mow us all down like a bunch of grass,” the captain said to his squad.

“Are… are the rumors true, sir? The rumors about War Machine?” said one of soldiers.

“I heard he could obliterate everything in a 500 yard radius, and that everywhere he goes… death follows,”said another.

”Yeah, they’re true all right, said the commanding officer. “I’m still surprised Celestia and Luna have been keeping him in line as well as they have. Guy like that, you’d think he would answer to no one, not even God himself.”

Unbeknownst to the soldiers, the very being of which they spoke of was watching them. Perched on the rooftop of a crystalline building some 900 yards away was what appeared to be a man in silver and dark gray robotic armor with two eyeholes that were glowing a bright red, a red light on his chest. two smaller red lights on the armor’s hands, a large shoulder-mounted four-barreled machine gun on his left shoulder, along with what seemed to be a baton of some kind on the right shoulder, two different sets of machine guns in both of the armor’s forearms along with many other weapons stored inside the armor. In short, the armor looked like it could handle pretty much anything that lived.

My name is Jack Daniels. Yes, like the whiskey. I can’t tell you how many times I was teased as a child because of that. In any case, I used to be an ordinary man like you. Until I took an arrow in the knee. Nah, I’m kidding ya, I used to live in Detroit, and I was actually on a blind date at a restaurant that just so happened to owe the Mob protection money and was killed in the drive-by that happened as punishment. And yet, somehow, someway, I woke up, transformed into a soldier armed with the weapons, skills, and abilities needed to save an alternate world consumed by a war between two mighty armies. The world I now call home.

I am The War Machine. Now, if you’ll pardon me for just a moment, it’s time for me to go to work.

With one small step the figure walked off the building and fired up the boot jets inside his armor with his hand repulsors providing stability in the air as he took off after the soldiers. Catching up with them in mere seconds, War Machine landed directly in front of them.

“Heard you were looking for me… like what you see?” War Machine asked the soldiers as he stood up. The soldiers quickly and nervously raised their weapons and opened fire. War Machine’s helmet concealed a smirk as the soldiers unloaded clip after clip on him to no avail as their bullets merely bounced off his armor. Before long, the soldiers had completely wasted their ammo supply. The most War Machine had in terms of damage were a few small scratches. Realizing what was about to happen, the captain immediately turned tail and started running for it.

”My turn,” said War Machine as he raised his wrist-mounted guns and mowed down the regular soldiers like they were nothing more than grass before a lawn mower. Once the popcorn units were dealt with, War Machine took off after the remaining soldier and caught up to him with ease, grabbing him by the throat and dangling him in the air by a single hand.

“Oh, what’s wrong? Can’t get a good breath of air?” War Machine asked in a mockingly sympathetic tone. The captain could only grunt and gag in response as the armored being before him crushed his windpipe. ”How do you think I feel when you assholes keep hunting me?” War Machine then brought the man closer to him, so that the eyes of the man inside the armor could peer into the captain’s soul.

”To Hell with you! Tell all of your friends there that I send my greetings.”

On that last sentence, War Machine used the repulsor on his chest, which he called the “Unibeam,” to blast a hole through the soldier’s chest before casually tossed the body aside like yesterday’s trash.

”Hey, Jack, you there?” asked a familiar female voice on War Machine’s comms systems.

“Loud and clear, Rainbow.” he replied. “What’s the good word today?”

”Get your ass to my location! We’re getting pinned down over here!”

“On my way, babe,” said War Machine before he fired up his boot jets and began searching for Rainbow’s troops. Swiftly detecting the soldiers, War Machine flew off and reached them in a matter of moments.

”I’m here, bitches!” yelled War Machine as he made a “superhero landing” that left a crater in the ground. The warring Crystal Empire and Equestrian soldiers stopped to look at War Machine as he stood to face them.

”Oh, fuck, it’s him! Kill him before he kills us all!” yelled one of the Crystal Empire soldiers, fear evident is his voice as he and his fellow soldiers raised their automatic rifles, swiveled their turrets, and aimed their rocket launchers at War Machine. The Equestrian soldiers, meanwhile, with confident smirks on their faces, merely took cover wherever they could and left their ultimate weapon to his work.

The Crystal Empire soldiers unleashed Hell upon upon War Machine, whose armor managed to deflect the bullets, while his armor’s weaponry was able to deal with the heavier artillery. As the enemy soldiers continued to attack him, one of them shouted something that sounded like, ”You can’t keep this up forever!”

”Watch me,” growled War Machine.

War Machine’s words fell on deaf ears as the soldiers continued to attack the armored being, but their fear didn’t exactly help their aim any. Finally, War Machine decided to put an end to the fight once and for all. He returned fire with both of his two of the machine guns on his forearms, his shoulder mounted gatling gun, and the collapsible rocket launcher on his other shoulder. It wasn’t long before the Crystal Empire soldiers dropped like flies.

War Machine let out a small chuckle as his weapons folded away. ”Useless dogs,” he grumbled.

“Nice work, as per usual, Captain.”

War Machine turned around to face a young woman with a rainbow-patterned hair with two very different wings on her back, one sky blue, feathery and organic, the other steel gray and cybernetic wearing . In her hands she held an assault rifle with a grenade launcher attached to it. With her were five other people wearing similar outfits. One woman had long sleek pink hair and something of a cocky smirk on her face. Another, who greatly resembled the pink haired woman, had short stone gray hair and an expression that seemed to suggest that she never smiled a day in her life. A third woman had purple and mint green hair and what seemed to be a unicorn horn sticking out of her forehead. A fourth woman carried a sniper rifle in addition to the wrist-mounted guns she had on both wrists, had blond hair that was tied into a ponytail, and wore a battered brown Stetson hat. The only other guy in the group, apart from War Machine, was powerfully built, had bright green hair, claws, and large, purple, dragon-like wings on his back.

War Machine smiled under his mask as he approached the group, his face plate sliding up as he reached them, revealing the face of a young man the same age as the rainbow-haired woman with pale skin and short black hair.

“Did you expect anything less, Commander Dash?” asked Jack Daniels as he walked up to Rainbow Dash and kissed her on the lips. Jack chuckled as he thought he got some tongue.

“Mission now, kiss later,” said the woman with the sniper rifle and Stetson as she tapped on Rainbow’s shoulder.

Rainbow and Jack broke the kiss, beet red as they did so, as Jack closed his faceplate once again and Rainbow muttered, “Right, right,”

The moment ruined, War Machine and Commander Dash led the way into the crystalline city before them.

Yeah, things have certainly changed since I was only Jack Daniels. But, I suppose you want to hear the full story, now don’t you? Well, then let’s track this from the beginning…

…

A young woman with long navy blue hair and a lavender unicorn horn poking up through her forehead wearing a lab coat with a black shirt underneath, khakis, and brown shoes made her way through the hallways of the Darklight Research facility, heading toward an observation theatre. This was Twilight Sparkle, the foremost scientific mind in the Crystal Empire, and on top of that, King Sombra’s lover.

“All right, what was so important that you just had to interrupt me and His Highness’s date?” barked Twilight, causing the other scientists to jump.

“D-Dr. Sparkle, we-we’ve found something. Nobody knows where this guy got it or where he came from-” stammered one of the scientists before Twilight cut him off.

“Skip to the details, Poindexter. I’m a very busy woman, and I haven’t got all night.”

“Right,” said Poindexter. “If you’ll just take a look out the window.”

Contempt evident on her face, Twilight made her way over to the window and looked out.

She felt her jaw drop like a sack of potatoes at what she saw.

Lying on the operating table was what appeared to be some kind of silver and dark gray robotic man with some kind of baton over his right shoulder and a large four-barreled gun of some kind over his left shoulder and what seemed to be a small red light on his chest, as well as two smaller red lights on his palms.

“What do you know so far?” asked Twilight.

“Preliminary scans show that the robotic exterior is in fact some kind of weaponized exoskeleton, like a battle suit or armor of some kind. That thing has enough weapons on it to level this whole building if the guy inside wanted to. We wanted to wait until you were here before we cracked it open. Maybe it could help with Project EXTREMIS,” said Poindexter.

If you’d actually read my briefings instead of goofing off like a teenage school girl, you’d know that Project EXTREMIS is designed to improve the man, not the equipment. All the same, King Sombra could have use for a soldier like this,” said Twilight. “Get that thing open. I want to know everything about that suit and the guy inside it.”

“Yes, Dr. Sparkle.”

…

Ugh… what happened? Last thing I remember was… thought the man inside the suit on the table as he began to stir. As he slowly opened his eyes, several things caught his attention: he seemed to be inside some kind of scientific laboratory and was held down on a research table by strong metal restraints. On top of that, he seemed to be looking through some kind of Heads-Up display.

”Sir, we need to get out of this facility immediately,” said the voice who had awoken the man from unconsciousness as the man began to struggle and try to get free of his restraints.

”Wha…? Where are you…?” the man inside the suit mumbled as he redoubled his attempts to get free of his restraints.

“Doctor! He’s waking up!” called what could only be a scientist, a male by the sound of it, who had taken notice of the man’s struggling.

“Keep him restrained!” barked a second voice, this one female.

”Will somebody please tell me what’s going on here?!” bellowed the man on the table.

The doctors took a step back from him, surprised. Apparently, no one had expected him to be able to speak.

One scientist, a woman with navy blue hair with a magenta stripe in it made her way forward. “Hello. I am Dr. Twilight Sparkle. King Sombra’s foremost scientific mind. I’m trying to learn about that fascinating suit you’re wearing, what makes it tick, and so on,” she explained.

Sombra? Why does that name sound so familiar? the man thought before speaking. ”Well, you can start by getting me a mirror.”

“Get him a mirror,” Twilight said to one of her scientists. The scientist held the mirror to the creature’s face, who looked at its reflection.

”What the actual fuck?!” the man yelled in shock before he moved his head to look at the rest of its body. ”I don’t believe it! I… I...I’m actually War Machine.”

“So, your name’s War Machine? That’s certainly an interesting name,” said Twilight. “Anyways, once I’m finished studying you and your suit, I’ll be sending you to the Crystal Palace to meet King Sombra to discuss employment. You do know who Sombra is, right? Ruler of the Crystal Empire? Dark Lord and Master of Shadows?”

It was then that it clicked. This woman was named Twilight Sparkle, she worked for King Sombra, who ruled the Crystal Empire. There was only one place he could be. But, how’d he get there? But, more importantly, how stupid were these people if they thought he’d just kneel before Sombra?

”Yeah, I’ve heard of him…” said War Machine dismissively. But, I’m going to have to decline that offer. Now, let me go, or you’ll have a hole where your head used to be!”

Twilight made a tsking sound. “Shame. I’d have preferred to study your suit with you alive as odds are only you can use it... but I guess I’ll have to pry your cold, dead body out of it. I’m sure I can find some volunteers to test it,” she said. “Terminate the subject.”

One of the doctors prepared a needle that was almost certainly filled with some kind of poison and made to inject War Machine through his suit with it. But, before he could so as try to find an opening to do it, War Machine’s gatling gun turned and pump the man full of lead, before managing to break out of his bonds with sheer adrenaline-fueled strength.

I gotta get out of here, thought War Machine as he pulled himself off of the table and blasted his way through the doors.

As War Machine made his exit, Twilight made her way over to a nearby PA system and triggered the wide alert button. “We have an escaped specimen! Make sure it doesn’t get out of here alive!” she yelled.

”Okay, you, AI, start talking. How did I get stuck in this world in War Machine’s armor?” demanded War Machine as he ran through the hallways of the facility

”I have a name, you know. It’s KILROY. In any case, I’m not exactly sure how you got here until I booted up and realized we were both here. All I know is that I’m supposed to be the ‘War Machine equivalent to Tony Stark’s JARVIS AI,’” said KILROY.

”Okay. So, I’m in what looks like that Crystal Wars timeline from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, except everyone’s somewhat humanized, wearing the Mark III War Machine armor with its own AI, and neither my AI nor I know how we got here,” summarized War Machine before he heaved a frustrated sigh. ”This sounds an awful lot like one of those Displaced stories I used to read online-”

Before War Machine could finish his sentence, he ran face first into something and fell down to the ground. Pulling himself up, War Machine realized the object he’d run into was in fact some kind of large blast door. War Machine set his suit’s systems to work examining the door. Within a few seconds, the suits systems came back with the results and the best course of action for getting past it.

The man inside the War Machine armor couldn’t help but grin when he saw the suggested course pop up on his suit’s HUD. ”Oh, man, I’ve always wanted to do that,” he said as he took what seemed to be some kind of combat stance and began to charge up his chest repulsor.

When it was fully charged, War Machine let out a yell of ”UNIBEAM!” and fired the built-up energy in his chest repulsor, which blasted a massive, gaping hole in the blast door, allowing War Machine to slip through, laughing as he did so.

”Oh, man, that was as cool as I imagined!” said War Machine.

”I’m glad you’re so pleased, sir. Now, I suggest we immediately vacate this facility before you are recaptured,” said KILROY.

…

Elsewhere In The Facility…

“Okay, who triggered the alarm?” asked Rainbow Dash, who was a woman with a rainbow-patterned hairstyle and two wings, one skyblue and feathered, the other gray and metallic, attached to her back. She was wearing a black leather trench coat, a black tanktop, torn up black pants with a black leather belt, and black leather boots.

“Wasn’t me,” said Pinkamena Pie, who wore a similar outfit to Rainbow’s and had long pink hair that partially obscured her face.

“Not me,” said Maud Pie, who looked a lot like Pinkamena, but her hair was a dull stone grey and she had an almost bored expression on her face. She too wore an outfit like Rainbow’s.

“Not Ah,” said Applejack, who had blonde hair and also wore the same outfit as everybody else, with the exception of a battered old stetson hat.

Rainbow looked at both Starlight Glimmer, who had a pink unicorn horn poking up from her forehead and purple and mint green hair, and Spike, who had bright green hair, razor-sharp claws on each finger, a powerful build, and purple wings that looked like they belonged to a dragon rather than a young man like him. Both of them shook their heads.

“Then who-” Rainbow started to say before an announcement over the PA system cut her off.

”We have an escaped specimen! Make sure he doesn’t get out of here alive!”

The group looked at each other. They’d received intel that Sombra’s scientists had obtained a specimen that could be used as a potential superweapon, and had been sent by Princess Celestia herself to investigate and if necessary, destroy it.

“Sounds like our target is on the loose,” said Rainbow, cocking her assault rifle. “Let’s get moving-”

Before anyone could do anything further, however, what sounded like someone shouting ”UNIBEAM!”, followed by the sound of a large explosion came from nearby.

“Let’s go check it out,” said Rainbow. The other members of her unit nodded and set out to find the escaped specimen.

…

War Machine’s escape was impeded by a group of armored soldiers, each of whom had a crystalline sword and a rifle drawn, ready and waiting to strike the armored being down.

”You guys sure you want to do this? I’ll let you guys live if you walk away now,” War Machine asked the soldiers as he pulled his baton out from its sheath on his back. The War Hammer began to crackle with red energy as he twirled it around a little.

In response, one of the soldiers charged at War Machine and swung his sword. Acting quickly, War Machine blocked the attack with his War Hammer weapon before blowing him away with a repulsor blast from his hand.

While War Machine was looking the other way, another guard was able to strike War Machine from behind before blasting him with magic, sending him flying down the hall. War Machine tried to use his boot jets to recover from the blast, but failed and crashed into the far wall

”So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? I can give as good as I can get!” yelled War Machine as he got ready to unleash Hell upon his enemies. His targeting systems marked the weakest points in the armor worn by the soldiers. With this information in hand, War Machine raised the wrist-mounted guns within his suit and sprayed fire into his targets, actually managing to land kill shots on a couple of them, however, the other remained standing. That lasted for all of a few seconds as War Machine fired his shoulder-mounted machine gun into them, causing some of the remaining fools to fall like leaves in a windstorm.

Some of the remaining soldiers let out battle cries and fired whatever ammunition their weapons had left as War Machine came down upon them, only for their bullets to spark off his armor harmlessly as the armored being charge up his hand repulsors and began blowing them away with through and through shots.

Before long, there was only three soldiers left. In sheer desperation, they threw down their weapons and held their hands up in surrender.

“Honestly, I hate working here, these people are so weird,” one of the soldiers said as the other two nodded in agreement.

War Machine glared at the soldiers, trying to determine if this was a trap. Finally, he said, ”You have until I count to five Mississippi to start running for your lives before you become black marks on the floor.”

“What’s Mississippi?” asked one of the soldiers.

”One Mississippi. Two Mississippi…”

The three soldiers all took one look at each other before they turned around and started running as fast as their armors would let them.

As he lowered his weapons and gazed upon the bullet-riddled, battered, and burning forms of those he had just tore apart with his suit weapons systems, a female voice spoke from nearby.

“Well, that was… violent.”

At the sound of this woman’s voice, War Machine wheeled around with his weapons ready to fire, only to find five women and a young man around his age standing there.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, same side, same side!” said Rainbow defensively as the rest of her group raised their weapons in defense.

”I’ll believe that when I see it,” growled War Machine

“Okay… my name’s Rainbow Dash. What’s yours?” asked Rainbow, trying to sound calm.

”...Jack Daniels, but you can call me War Machine.” said War Machine, his weapons still poised and ready to fire.

“Okay, Jack, listen, we’re gonna help you get out of here, but then we need you to come with us,” said Rainbow.

”And what makes you think I’ll do that?”

“Because of the entire legion of Crystal Empire soldiers that are stationed here. I’ll admit, you’re good, but some of the toys they’ve got here are pretty nasty, even for a robot man like you,” explained Rainbow.

War Machine said nothing for a moment. Then, finaly, he lowered his weapons and put his War Hammer back on his back. ”Very well. Admittedly, I’m surprised I’m as good as I am. I just got this suit after all,” said War Machine, earning confused looks from Rainbow and her crew. ”However, details will have to wait. Right now, we gotta move.”

“Right you are,” said Rainbow, and together, the group made their way through the facility, striking down any opposition in their path. Finally, they reached the exit of the facility.

“Okay, now let’s get out of here,” said Rainbow as she kicked the door open… only for her face to fall once she saw what was on the other side.

No more than two heavily armored and armed tanks, several machine gun turrets, and a whole platoon of Crystal Empire soldiers

“Well… we’re fucked,” said Starlight.

”Not entirely, said War Machine as he got his weapons ready and did a systems check on them. ”I got this.”

“Are ya’ll crazy?!” said Applejack. “They’ll pound ya inta guacamole!”

”I don’t think so. Get down and stay out of sight,” said War Machine

The women reluctantly nodded and backed away. Starlight murmured something that sounded like, “Your funeral, pal.”

War Machine took a deep breath and strode forward. ”All this just for me? I’m touched. Truly. But, I told your boss that I’m not going to work for Sombra. From where I’m standing, he’s the bad guy. And I don’t do working for the bad guy,” he said as he got his weapon ready to fire. ”So, why don’t you pawns just head back to the chessboard you came from, and get the Hell out of my-”

Before War Machine could finish his sentence, however, one of the tanks opened fire and landed a direct hit on War Machine, sending him flying backwards into the wall, where he left an imprint several inches deep, causing both Rainbow’s team and the Imperial soldiers to groan.

”I’m okay! And I’m very, very, pissed off. KILROY, tell me you have that song,” said War Machine as he pulled himself out of the wall.

”What song, sir?” asked KILROY.

”You know… MY song.”

”Ah, I got you, sir. Preparing to drop the needle.”

Missile launchers appeared in the “shoulder straps” of War Machine’s armor as he fired up his boot jets. With only a mere thought, War Machine emptied fired all six of his missiles, which complete obliterated the tank that had fired upon him. The remaining tank and the gun turrets opened fire on War Machine, but had a hard time landing a decent hit on him thanks to their target being in the air. A large missile launcher appeared out of War Machine’s right shoulder, the contents of which he unleashed upon the second tank, reducing it to the same state as the first.

With the larger threats dealt with, War Machine turned his attention to the gun turrets, which he laid waste to with his repulsors, causing the weapons to blow up in the faces of the soldiers who were using them, rendering them out of action. With the turrets destroyed, all that remained were the soldiers. Coming down out of the air, War Machine drew his War Hammer once more and laid waste to the soldiers, who were no match for him.

Just as the song thumping in War Machine’s helmet came to a close, the last soldier fell to a repulsor blast.

”It’s clear! You can come out now!” War Machine called to his allies.

Rainbow and her crew each had a look of blatant shock on their face as they approached the armor-clad being.

“Hoo-wee! Now Ah know why they call ya War Machine!” said Applejack.

Spike let out a laugh. “You’re like a living arsenal! That was awesome!” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Awesome and reckless,” said Rainbow who glared at War Machine. “You could’ve gotten yourself killed! Who do you think you are?!”

War Machine’s face plate slid up, revealing the face of Jack Daniels underneath, which caused the group before him to double-take in surprise. “A guy with a kickass suit of armor,” he said. “Now, I believe our arrangement was that you help me get out of that place, and I’d come with you guys to your base, right?”

“Yeah, that was the agreement. You’re not trying to weasel your way out of it, are you?” Rainbow said threateningly.

“Of course not. I was just going to ask you to lead the way. It’s clear to me now that I’m caught up in a war between two mighty armies, and I wanted know where home base was,” said Jack.

Rainbow glared at Jack. “Fine. Follow me to the extraction point,” she said.

War Machine closed his face plate and followed Rainbow Dash and her team to their extraction point, going over what had just happened in his head. He had somehow cheated death and was now rocking the Mark III War Machine armor that came complete with it’s own AI, and was somehow familiar with its functions, as though he’d been using the suit for years. Almost as though he’d built it himself.

War Machine scoffed at that thought. How could he have built this suit himself? He’d need to be as smart as Tony Stark himself in order to so much as repair this thing without making it malfunction and kill him.

Whatever the Hell was going on with him, War Machine knew one thing for sure. He was a soldier now.

And it was time to go to war.