Twilight Sparkle Investigates an MLP Fanfiction Website
Hidden Drug-Dealing is No Laughing Matter
"Okay, here we go. Spike, fetch me 'Understanding the Internet: A Warrior's Guide' please. This is gonna take a while," ordered Twilight, sitting up straight in her dark wooden chair of her home.
Spike stroked his head in disbelief. "But why? What are you doing? You look so serious like you're chasing after King Sombra or something, or just studying for your evaluation," Spike shook his head and sighed, and then shuffling over to the shelf when he noticed Twilight's glare. "I don't understand you sometimes."
"I'm sorry, Spike. But Pinkie Pie clearly said MLPSuperDuperFiction.org is a drug-dealing website. Websites like that have to get removed instantly, and Celestia gave me a job to do so. Pinkie was also super nervous when she said that, so I bet it's serious. I'm just trying to keep Equestria safe," explained Twilight, before commanding her horn to illuminate itself with a soft, lilac glow as she levitated the ten-pound book out of Spike's squirming hands, not being able to control the weight. The detailed guide was three-quarters the size of him. "Thanks for the book!"
Spike gasped for air as the weight was lifted off of his shoulders. "Good luck with whatever you're doing," he murmured, before heading up the stairs to take a nap.
"Alright, let's see what this is all about." Twilight talked to herself as she navigated through the search browser and found the site. She took caution as she clicked on the link. "I need to brace myself..." As the website stopped loading, she realised that the design was far off her expectations. "What? Where are the drugs? These are all...stories..." Scrolling through the bright yellow background, Twilight took a long look at each word, aiming to spot 'drug' and finish her goal. Unfortunately, the process was slow, and she continued to scroll through titles and short descriptions. "'Wonderbolts Have a Dinner with Rarity', 'CMC Discover Tesco', 'The Evil Alarm Clock'..." As Twilight continued to mumble the dozens of words spotted, she finally came across what she was looking for.
"Yes!" Twilight yelled. "I finally found it!" She waved her hooves in the air as she closed her eyes and let emotions hop around in her head. "This is it! 'Hot Banter Starring Fluttershy'! Banter means drugs! Drugs mean banter! This is perfect!" She squealed, as she rushed to press on the famous words. Time passed as Twilight analyzed the discovery carefully. She started up the story, expecting to find deals. To her surprise, she had to scroll through more than ten thousand words to find it. Feeling reluctant, she gave out a wheeze and motivated herself.
"Wow," Twilight exclaimed. She was recovering from being taken in a 2nd person universe filled with clop starring Fluttershy. Not expecting such horseplay, she wasn't able to decide whether she felt disgusted, tormented, or down-right ready to write her own clop-fic. "Not gonna lie, that's probably one of the best things I ever read, but also one of the most...hot things I ever read. I don't even know what to think anymore." Stunned, Twilight pondered her next moves and decided that following Princess Celestia's orders was for the best. Therefore, she kept searching. "I really thought banter meant drugs."
Time passed as Twilight explored the depths of the website even more. Failing to spot any dealing behaviour on the site, she realised she had to educate herself, so she headed to the Canterlot Archives for study. "Okay, I need to find a book on drugs." A few seconds later, a pathway had lead Twilight through a maze of thousands of novels, books, guides, layouts and anything of the sorts, to one, single, thin book. "Great!" Twilight yelled, before shutting her mouth as a pair of annoyed eyes noticed her. "I didn't know more ponies would be here..." Twilight fumbled and ran to the nearest desk. Eyeing the cover of the book, she digested the title in her head. "'Drugs and Other Illegal Substances'," read Twilight, before opening up on the front page with her magic.
A few dozen minutes later, Twilight Sparkle placed the book back into its place and rushed home. Ecstatic, she had just learned about morphine and was ready to shut the feisty website down once and for all. She wondered about the fact that this adventure of hers seemed to be more difficult than fighting a dangerous villain.
Back at her tree trunk library, the computer remained powered on, so that Twilight could return to her duties immediately, instead of waiting three minutes and fourteen seconds for the dinosaur to turn on. For a moment she did think the computer failed on her, as the screen went black, but after frantically moving the mouse in multiple directions, the screen blazed with greed to work even more. "Phew, I was worried there for a second," giggled Twilight, buzzing with excitement and joy all in one. "Back to the website, I suppose."
It was 3 am, and Twilight - once again - felt a wave of happiness as she cornered what she had been looking for. "'Royal Duties'," read Twilight. "What an interesting title!" She exclaimed. The story caught her attention. The story blurb mentioned morphine, and as Twilight learned a few hours previously, it was a well-known drug. She decided to scavenge the story from head to toe and shut the pesky website down. Hidden drug-dealing was no laughing matter.
"Blah, blah, blah..." Twilight mimicked as she got through the first ten chapters of the story. A secret was hidden in the plot, ready for Twilight to unravel. As the friendly clock on Twilights wall screamed 5 am at her, she remained still in her chair and voyaged more. To her surprise, she almost missed the key. "YES! It was Celestia! Celestia killed Rainbow Dash with a morphine overdose! It's enough to shut the website down! She also has plenty morphine injections in her castle...DRUG-DEALING!" Yelled Twilight, overjoyed. Suddenly, her smile faded. "Wait for a second...Celestia killed Rainbow with a morphine overdose...?" Repeated Twilight narrowly. "Oh no! I have to go to Princess Celestia's castle and find the rest of her drugs...Also, I need to find Rainbow Dash!" Hours of reading really confused Twilight and separated her from reality and the world of fanfiction. She was completely unaware that these were stories somepony thought of writing, instead of newsletter articles she pictured them as.
Rushing out the door, Twilight spread out her wings and flew all the way over to Canterlot, as quick as she could. Rainbow was her last priority now; especially since she was dead. She had to find what was right, and bring the Princess of the Sun to justice; no matter how betraying and crazy it sounded.
Guards surrounded the castle but shuffled to the side upon noticing Twilight. They wondered at her scared and angry facial expression. "Princess, may I ask..." Began one of the guards, but gulping a little at Twilight's glare. "...Why you seem so worried and frightened? Is there anything we can help you with?" He finished.
"No. This is something I need to do on my own. You will all know later. For now, I have to do this myself and find a resolution," replied Twilight, and stepped inside the castle.
"Twilight..." Yawned Celestia, her bedhead creating another dimension all around her face. "What are you doing?"
"I know you killed Rainbow Dash, and I won't let that pass!" Yelled Twilight.
"Wait, what?" Asked Celestia. Confused, she stepped in front of the Princess of Friendship. "What do you mean, why would I ever harm one of the ponies withholding an element of harmony, let alone any pony at all?!"
Twilight backed off a little bit, but still contained the demand to find the drugs. "Listen, Princess. I know you have drugs around this castle, and I will not rest until I find every little bit of it, okay?" She announced and continued to search every cupboard, dresser, and other objects in Celestia's room.
"Twilight. You must calm down. I never harmed anypony. I don't even want to know how you came with these assumptions to me, but you must leave now. I have to lift the sun, but I cannot when I can tell what shenanigans you will do in my absence. I need you to stop or I will take drastic measures," warned Celestia, and once again, stepped in front of Twilight. "Listen to me."
"How about you listen to me? This is a serious offense. I can't let this through! Ponyville is in danger!" Exclaimed Twilight.
"Twilight!" Yelled Princess Celestia. "I don't mean to be rude, but this is across the line. You're coming with me, so I can lift the sun."
"No! You can hide everything if I'm not here!"
"I think I can hide anything if you don't come with me because you won't see me. Now Twilight, my sister is probably standing outside the door right now. Please stop, and come with me," called Celestia, and began heading for the narrow hallway to the door. Twilight sighed but kept her eye on the Princess. She realised Celestia was right. So, she trotted along with her.
Being kicked out of the castle for 'suspicious behaviour' until further notice, Twilight sat on her bed and pondered her next move. "It's 10 am, Spike is gone over to Rarity's, I'm all alone..." Twilight smiled. "I guess I have to go on MLPSuperDuperFiction.org, I suppose!" Jumping from her bed, she galloped over to the main room of the library and patiently waited for the computer to catch up. It was the last time she was going to try anything, and she was going to put her heart's content into the website to discover what she is looking for. "Pinkie Pie would never lie. That rhymed."
"Okay, let me find the owner of this website. I'll private message him, politely asking where the drugs are so I can complete this mission. I swear it's taking me forever." Twilight clicked on a staff page that displayed twenty+ staff members running the site. At the top was the owner. They were also online. "Great! They'll respond with the correct information to me as soon as possible."
"'Greetings,
I would like to contact you about your website. It has come to my attention that this website is a drug-dealing website with hidden deals. I would like you to respond with the correct details of this issue, so there will not be any consequences. Please tell me every single page with the drug-deals so that I can take this website down once and for all. Hidden drug-dealing is no laughing matter.
Sincerely,
The Princess Of Friendship & Knighted Internet Safety-pony,
Twilight Sparkle.'"
Twilight did not hesitate to press the 'Send' button after reading her creation out loud. "Fantastic!" She said.
"Why do twenty minutes feel like an eternity..." Yawned Twilight, continuing her search at a slower pace than usual, waiting for a response. To her surprise, right when she thought she couldn't wait any longer, a notification regarding a private message popped onto the center of her screen. "YES!" She yelled. Fascinated, she opened up the message.
"'I have no idea what you are talking to me about. I don't know what "drugs" you are talking about. Ponies post fanfictions here, some of which contain drugs, but there is no drug-dealing taking place on my website. Please do not message me again regarding this matter.'"
Twilight was offended. "Excuse me?" She said to herself. "I swear to Celestia...This place DOES have drugs. And I will prove it. A friend would never lie! Not about drugs!" Twilight frowned. "I suppose I have to take drastic measures, then..." Thought Twilight mischieviously. "I'll just message every single staff member! No harm, right? I'm sure they'll tell the truth."
After ten minutes, Twilight had a message sent to every staff member present on the site. She received a couple responses back almost immediately, which offended her a lot as they mentioned that they have forwarded the message to the owner of the website as it was an 'inappropriate concern'. Twilight scowled at their messages. Without thinking, she began writing another message to the owner herself.
"'Listen here, Mr. Owner.
I have been told that this website contains drug-dealing. I will not allow horseplay like this to take place on a site that is meant for all ages. This is unacceptable. If you do not tell me where the drugs are, I will perform drastic and evil measures against you.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle.'"
"Sheesh, some owners," Twilight rolled her eyes as she said so. Disappointed in the behaviour of these ponies, she knew there was no stopping herself at that point in time. Another notification echoed at the back of her mind as the owner replied, once again.
"'Twilight Sparkle, I told you there are no drugs on this website. Please stop harassing me or my staff members; they have told me that you have bothered every single one of them regarding this issue. I have told you - and my staff members - multiple times that there is no drug-dealing on this website and therefore you have no right to remove it.'"
Twilight knew that called for a war.
"'Yes there is. A reliable source told me so.'"
"'What kind of 'reliable source' could have told you that? That is crazy, and it is spreading uneccesary rumours.'"
"'Don't mess with the Princess of Friendship. This is a serious offense.'"
After half an hour of constant arguing, Twilight received one, final message.
"'Unfortunately, your behaviour here has endangered both me and the staff team. Due to this offense and making this website a non-safe environment, we have come to the conclusion that you shall be permanently removed from this website. You anger our members and violate our guidelines. We will disable your account within the next 24 hours and you will not have access to post on it/join it again.'"
Twilight narrowed her eyes at the owner's avatar in the rude message. She couldn't believe she was getting banned from the website.
Even after all of this racket, one question still itched her mind, never shutting itself. It angered Twilight, but she remained in her seat to pondern the concern over, and over again. She reminded herself of everything she saw and tried to pay close attention to it once again. Maybe she didn't pay her full attention? Maybe she was distracted the whole time? She didn't know. She sighed the question another time.
"Where are the drugs, though?"
