How the George Cunningham Stole Hearth's Warming (sort of)
It was wintertime in the magical land of Equestria. And in the town of Ponyville, ponies and the humans from the local Alicorn's Wish Guild rushed to get ready for one of the biggest holidays of the year; Hearths Warming, or to the humans who still have difficulty adjusting to Equestrian traditions, Christmas. Every pony and human in Ponyville loved Hearths Warming a lot, but the George Cunningham, who live in the abandoned quarry west of Ponyville, did not. The George hated Hearths Warming, and everything to do with. Please don't ask why, no one really knows the reason, it could that his head wasn't screwed on just right, it could be that his shoes were too tight, or it could be that parasitic leach on the back of his head, but I think that the most likely reason of all, is that he's just not pleasant, at all, "WRONG! YET AGAIN!" George yelled at the narrator, "I hate Hearths Warming because of that job I had at the mall," George said, going into a flashback.
Flashback
"So, little girl, tell Santa Hooves your name," George said, dressed up as Santa.
"Kelly," Kelly replied.
"And what do you want Santa to bring you, Kelly?" George asked, fighting back a sneer.
"A book on fortune telling!" Kelly replied happily.
"Yeah, and Santa wants another 10 bits an hour, but apparently, he's not getting that either!" George complained, looking towards the managers office, where two, piercing red eyes glowed from the darkness, "Just remember Kelly, disappointment is a present too!" George warned.
"SANTA!" George grimaced at the hyperactive voice of one of the many ponies in Equestria he utterly despises. He looked out into the crowd, where even his lackeys were eagerly standing in line to see Santa, to see Pinkie Pie bouncing towards him, calling out Santa repeatedly. She then appeared in front of the disguised George, and started listing off things she wanted for Hearths Warming, "I WANT A PEG LEG, AN AUTOMATIC HORSESHOE BUFFER, A COWBOY HAT, A SUBSCRIBTION TO PARTY BALLOONS MONTHLY, AND A BATTERY POWERED BATTERY CHARGER," Georges eye twitched as Pinkie continued to list off what she wanted for Heaths Warming.
"Uh, yeah, let me just go see if my elves can do something about that," George said, getting out of his seat, but without any warning, he ran away screaming like a maniac. His attempt failed, as he was dogpiled by mall security, "NO PLEASE DONT TAKE ME BACK THERE! I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE WISHES!" George screamed. Just then, his beard fell off, "Oh crap," was all George could say.
"HEY! He's not the real Santa!" Helen exclaimed.
"THIS MALL LIED TO US!" Lyra yelled from the crowd.
"I told you should never trust a Danish Santa!" Brian exclaimed.
"I'm Russian!" George protested.
"GET HIM!" someone from the crowd yelled, just before noticing some mistletoe.
"Darn it, mistletoe," someone said, as everyone exchanged casual greetings with one another, before turing their attention back to George, who screamed like a woman as the crowd tackled him to the ground and started beating the tar, stuffing, and "into next week" out of him.
"Hey, I got your holiday cheer right here!" Pavillon said, holding up his fist.
"Oh please! ITS JUST A JOB!" George pleaded.
"Merry Fist-mas, jerkwad!" Pavillon said, punching George in the gut.
End of Flashback
"And every time something like that happens, it just fuels my intense hatred of this holiday. And what's worse, all those imbeciles down in Ponyville will wake bright and early, and rush for their toys, and then, all the noise, all the noise, noise, NOISE, NOISE!" George seethed, continuing his rant, "And then, the morons, young and old will sit down to a feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast, AND THEY'LL FEAST, FEAST, FEAST, FEAST! They'll eat their apple pudding, and Hearth's Warming Yule Logs! Something that repulses my Russian stomach," George grumbled before realizing something, "Oh no, I'M SPEAKING IN NON EXSISTANT RHYME!" he wailed, "BLAST YOU RANDOM MUSICAL NUMBERS!" he screamed. And the more George thought about what Hearth's Warming would bring, the more he thought, "I must stop this whole thing! Why year after year I put up with it now! I must stop this Hearths Warming from coming, but how? *Gasp* I mean, in what way?" he pondered. His hissed, and retreated back into his lair to ponder, only to see that his lackeys had decorated the entire lair with Hearths Warming cheer, singing karaoke songs, and eating holiday treats. They stopped when they saw George standing in the door way, "Are you guys having a holly, jolly, Hearths Warming?" George asked, almost too sweetly. The door to the lair was flung open, and Pavillon, Shadow Mavis, Helen, and Krusha were all sent flying out of the lair, "WRONG-O!" George yelled, as they landed in the snow.
"My everything hurts," Pavillon complained, as George leapt down, and picked him up by the collar of his shirt.
"If you guys aren't going to help me, then you... might.... as... well," George cut himself off, looking at Pavillon's face covered in snow, making it look like he had a beard. It was then that he got an idea, an awful idea, the George Cunningham got a wonderfully, awful idea, "I know just what to do!" he said, smiling a wicked smile.
George quickly cut out some red fabric, and laughed in his throat, "Heh," he said, as he made a Santa Hooves hat, and a coat. But, he noticed to late that he accidently sewn his arm to the coat, causing him to faint.
A few, painful stich removing minutes later,
He looked at himself in the mirror, and chuckled, and clucked, at his great George-y trick, "With this coat, and this hat, I'll look just like Santa Hooves!" he cackled, as he began to sing.
George and his lackeys stood outside their lair with binoculars, seeing Santa Hooves deliver presents to Ponyville, "Fat boy should be finishing up ANY time now. Talk about a recluse, he only comes out once a year and he never catches and flock for it! Probably lives up there to avoid the taxes," George commented, seeing Santa Hooves fly away. It was then that he realized he forgot something, "Oopsies, forgot about the reindeer," George said. But did that stop the George? No, he simply said, "If I can't find any reindeer, I'll have to make one, instead."
"Oh no! We are not going down that road again! Don't you remember what happened last time?" Krusha demanded.
"Ugh, don't remind me, I am still sore from pulling those wagons," George said.
"Yeah, who even needs that many anvils anyway?!" Helen questioned. Then, an idea popped into George's head.
"Shadow Mavis, think your dogs are strong enough to pull a large sleigh?" George asked.
"They should be," Shadow Mavis replied.
"Alright, then they'll be the reindeer," George said, as they all got in the sleigh. George turned on the ignition, as the sleigh purred to life, and lifted off of the ground. George cackled hysterically, "THIS, IS, NUTS!" he yelled, flipping on the boosters, which fired a ball of fire at the lair door, "WOW!" was all George could say, "ON CRASHER, ON THRASHER! ON VOMIT AND BLITZKREIG!" he screeched, as the sleigh flew off of the cliff, and towards the town of Ponyville. All the while, George and his lackeys were screaming like loonatics, "WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WE'RE GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO THROW UP, THEN I'M GOING TO DIE! MOMMY, TELL IT TO STOP!" he screamed, before the sleigh stabilized, "Phew, heh, almost, lost my cool there," he said, as the landed in front of Twilight's castle. "Welcome to Ponyville guys!" George said. The four of them proceeded to take pictures, as though they were tourists. George quirked his eyebrow in a questioning manner, "Get ready guys, its our first stop," he said, as he approached the castle door. Opening, just slightly, making sure there weren't any security systems. Once he saw that it was all clear, he proceeded to the tree room, where all the presents were stacked neatly under the tree. He slithered over to the stockings, hung by the fire, "These stockings," he said, "Are the first thing to go!" he said, releasing moths, which made short work of the stockings. He then started to take the presents, teddy bears, comic books, arcade machines, Masked Dog, jewels, voodoo dolls and a WII. He then slunked to the ice box, "Slunk!" George said, as he eyed the ponies feast. He took the apple pudding, he took the yule logs, "BATTER UP!" he yelled, hitting a yule log with a baseball bat. He cleaned out the ice box as quick as a flash, why, the George even took their last can of Hay Hash, "And now," he said with a sneer, "I will take their tree!" he said, as he unplugged the tree.
He was set to take it back to the sleigh, when he heard a gentle sound, like the coo of a dove, "S-Santa?" The George heard young Serenity Meadow's voice say, as he hid himself behind the tree, "What are you doing with the tree?" she asked.
But you that the George is so smart, and so slick, that he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick, "WHY my sweet little tot! There is a light on this tree, that won't light on one side, so I'm taking it to my workshop!" the George fibbed, laughing like Santa Hooves, "I will fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here," he lied.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Serenity replied. His fib fooled the child. He patted her head, and got her a cup of cold water, and sent her back to bed, "Santa, please don't forget George Cunningham and his friends," George quirked his eyebrow, "I know they're pure evil and smelly, and their hands are cold, and lifeless," George looked at his hands at that last comment, "But, I think they should have some sort of holiday cheer," Serenity said. George bit his finger at the sweetness of the green filly, who went back to bed.
And while young Serenity Meadow left for bed, "Sweet kid. BAAAAAD judge of character," George commented, as he took the tree, and threw it into the sleigh, and the last thing he took, was the 100 billion bit stash from under the castle, "Freaking sweet!" George said, leaving the castle. On the walls, he left nothing but hooks and wires, and the one speck of food that he left in the house, was a crumb, that was even too small for a mouse. And he and his gang proceeded to steal everything related to Hearth's Warming from every house in town, they stole cookies and pies, they stole the sugar plums, dancing in the dreams of the young foals. He had used a large vacuum they built to steal larger, or more scattered presents, which also sucked up a cat, causing the vacuum to jam.
"What now?!" Pavillon asked, looking inside the vacuum tube, only for said cat to be flung at his face, and scratch his face to ribbons. Loading their loot in the sleigh with glee, George revved up the sleigh, which went nowhere because he just now noticed the fuel gauge was at empty.
"Huh, didn't think we were that low of fuel," George said. Helen snorted at their dilemma.
"Well, time to call my babies!" Shadow Mavis said, blowing a dog whistle, which summoned really big, really scary looking dogs, "Aww, Fufu, Leonard, and Rex, think you guys can pull this sleigh to the top of that hill, right over there?" Shadow Mavis asked, pointing to a nearby hill. One of the dogs just licked her face, "I'll take that as a yes," she said, as the latched the sleigh harness to the three dogs, who started pulling the sleigh with ease.
15 minutes later,
Up the side of the hill, the three dogs pulled the sleigh, driven by George, to the very tiptop, to dump it. Laughing evilly, George looked down on the town, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DID IT!" he bellowed, "WE DID IT! WE DID IT!" he chanted.
"That wasn't so hard, now was it, my babies?" Shadow Mavis asked the three dogs, giving each of them a doggie treat.
"They'll be waking up soon, and I know just what they'll do," George snickered.
"Form an angry mob, hunt us down, and beat us into next year?" Krusha asked. George's eyes widened at his friend's skeptical remark.
"Nope, not in this special," George replied.
"Actually, I think that's what they'll do," Helen commented.
"Here's how I picture them doing it," Pavillon said, imagining what all of Ponyville would do.
Pavillon's fantasy: The Most Likely outcome
Waking up to see that their presents, decorations, and snacks were all gone, to say that the residents of Ponyville were furious would be an understatement, "WHERE IS OUR STUFF?!?" one pony yelled.
"Someone is so gonna get it!" Lucas said.
"Look, up on that hill!" Octavia, the local Cellist said, pointing to the hill that George and his friend were on. Pulling out binoculars, Francisco looked toward the peak, to see George and his lackeys.
"It's George's gang!" the spacial teen said.
"Well, I guess we can all agree what needs to happen know!" Eliza said.
"FORM AN ANGRY MOB, HUNT THEM DOWN, AND BEAT THEM INTO NEXT YEAR!" the entire town said, grabbing a variety of weapons.
End of Fantasy
"How can that even be remotely possible?!" George yelled.
"Well, they do take Heaths Warming seriously," Helen commented.
"That's hardly what will happen! Here's what I think WILL happen," George said, imagining what Ponyville would do.
George's Fantasy: The most unlikely outcome
All the ponies and humans, down in Ponyville, will all cry, boohoo, "*Crying* ALL OUR STUFF IS GONE!" Twilight sobbed.
"I was supposed to get a jet ski, even though I don't know how to use one!" Naomi cried.
"I can't find the bathroom!" one pony called.
"I was supposed to get a classic arcade machine!" a human called out, as the entire town ran away from Ponyville.
End of Fantasy
"Ok, maybe not that. I think my imagination is broken. But anyway, now for the final note of my symphony of downright nasty not niceness, the crescendo of my odious opus!" George said, flinging himself against the sleigh, "Ohh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth! The bellowing of the bitterly bummed out! It will be, like music to my ears," George said, as he continued to push the sleigh. Then, he paused, "Huh?" he then put an oversized hearing horn to his ear, "Huh?" and he did hear a sound rolling up over the snow, "HUH?!" It started in low, then, it started to grow.
George and his lackeys were wide eyed and shocked, as these sounds were not sad or mad, why, these sounds sounded "JOYOUS?!" the five of them screeched. Every pony and human, down in Ponyville, the crazy and the sane, were singing to Hatsune Miku style songs, without any presents at all.
They hadn't stopped Hearths Warming from coming, it came, somehow or another, "It came just the same!" George said, leaping down to a lower ledge. And the George, with his George-y feet, ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?! It came with ribbons!" he said, taking a look at the town, "It came without tags!" he said, taking another look, "It came without PACKAGES, BOXES, OR BAGS!" he seethed.
"Wait, we were trying to STEAL Hearths Warming?" Krusha asked.
"I thought he said we were going out to steal Hearths Warming Sandwiches," Pavillon commented.
"Can you boys think of nothing else but your stomach?" Shadow Mavis asked.
And the George stood puzzling, and puzzling, until his puzzler was sore, "Ouch," he said. Then, the George, thought of something, he hadn't before, "Maybe, Heaths Warming," he thought, "Doesn't come from a store. Maybe, Hearths Warming, perhaps, means a little bit more," George said. He then clenched his heart in pain, as he fell in the snow, screaming in agony, "Guys, help me!" George pleaded.
"Oh my god, what's the number for 911?" Helen asked.
"I DON'T KNOW! DO I OOK LIKE A PHONE BOOK?!" Krusha yelled.
"Doesn't any of us have a healing spell?!" Pavillon asked.
"Oh, right," Shadow Mavis said, casting a healing spell on George, who was still screaming in agony.
"I-I-I'm, FEELING!" George screamed, which could be heard all the way to Manehatten.
"Whoa," was all Pavillon could say.
George laid on the ground, trying to catch his breath, for what happened? Well, in Ponyville they say, that the George's non-existing heart came into existence, and grew 5 sizes on that day. George then started to bawl emotionally, then hysterically, then a mix of emotionally and hysterically, "What's happening to me?!" George said, as he and his lackeys were exposed to the rising sun. The light hit the ice, hanging on the tree just right, to make the entire valley sparkle in an array of colors.
"Tres magnifique," Shadow Mavis commented.
"I'm all, toasty inside," George commented, wiping a tear, rolling down his cheek, "And, I'm leaking. Oh, guys!" George said. Krusha and Pavillon hid behind Helen and Shadow Mavis, "I love ya," he chuckled.
"Crazy guy say what now?" Helen asked, before George scooped them all up in a bone crushing hug, "Ok George, that's enough, you can STOP! Geez, one step at a time," she said.
"Oh, sorry," George said. They then heard a creaking noise, and looked up to see the sleigh teetering dangerously on the cliff, "Oh no, the sleigh, the presents, they'll all be destroyed, and I care! WHAT IS THE DEAL!?" he said, as the five rushed to save the sleigh, "It couldn't, it shouldn't, it mustn't, it wouldn't. Not now, not then, not ever again!" George said, reaching the cliff where the sleigh was at, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" George said, leaping to save the sleigh. His efforts were in vain, as the sleigh continued to slide forward, "Oh well, I mean, it's just, toys right?" he asked.
"HIIIIIIIII GEORGE!" George looked up to see Pinkie Pie, Lucky Joy, and Serenity on top of the sleigh. He gasped.
"Pinkie Pie, Lucky Joy, Serenity Meadow! What are you doing here?!" he asked.
"I came to see you and your friends. No one should be alone during the holidays," Pinkie replied. George was touched by the kindness of the party pony. He then remembered that he was trying to keep the sleigh from going over the cliff, "WHOA!" Pinkie said, falling over. It was then that George found the strength he needed to pull the sleigh back onto the mountain peak.
"Wow," was all Krusha could say, as George lifted the sleigh over his head.
"NOW LETS GIVE BACK HEARTHS WARMING!" George said, as they slid down the mountain, back to Ponyville, while George was jet skiing behind the sleigh, whooping like crazy, "FLYING EAGLE!" he yelled, as he trick shot off a cliff, "Nailed it," he said, before jumping another cliff, which flung himself to the front of the sleigh. He hit the sack, knocking the wind out of him, before falling onto the control panel, completely limp. Serenity screamed at that.
"Are you alright Georgie?" Shadow Mavis asked.
"Are you kidding? The sun is shining, and I got the holiday spirit! Now scooch over," George said, taking his seat as they neared Ponyville, "Better slow this puppy down," George said applying brake, only for said brake to snap off, "Uh oh," he said.
"We're gonna crash!" Lucky Joy cried.
"Now you listen here, even if we're HORRIBLY MANGLED, there won't be any sad faces on Hearths Warming," George said, as they edged closer to Ponyville by the second. The citizens of Ponyville saw the large sleigh heading towards them.
"Is that George Cunningham?" Icezer asked.
"I think I see Pinkie Pie, Lucky Joy, and Serenity with them!" Applejack said, as the sleigh entered town.
"HEADS UP PONYVILLE!" George said, as the sleigh went careening into town, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! I HAVE NO INSURANCE!" George yelled, as the sleigh continued to move forward. They were stopped abruptly by a barren patch of dirt, "HAPPY HEARTHS WARMING, ONE AND ALL!" George said, as his passengers climbed out of the sleigh.
"Alright, what the crap is going?!" Brian demanded.
George dramatically pointed at Brian, "You, got me Brian! I admit it! I'm the George Cunningham that stole Hearths Warming! And I'm, sorry," George remorsefully said, extending his arms in a surrendering fashion. He was confused when nothing happened, "What, aren't you going to cuff me? Put me in a choke hold? BLIND ME WITH PEPPER SPRAY?!" George asked.
"What are you talking about George? You never stole Hearths Warming," Toby said.
"Say, WHAAAAAAAT?!" George asked.
"Yeah, Hearths Warming was last week. You just stole the garbage that was left over from it," Josh explained.
"You just made our job of disposing of the leftover trash easier," Twilight said.
"Wait, how does me and my gang, stealing your trash make it easier?" George asked.
"Less effort for us to put into it," Kelly replied, as a group of humans from the guild took the trash to the dump.
"Now that's was the holidays are all about!" Pinkie said. And they all lived happily ever after.