The Conversion Bureau: Body and Soul
Prologue
“Don’t believe the lies spread by your government or that Trojan horse known as Celestia. We aren’t terrorists! The HLF is fighting for every single human begin on this planet! If we don’t fight those *censored* horses they will convert every single human into one of their own kind.
Those poor souls may tell you how much they enjoy their new live as pony and that they found true happiness but in reality they became brainwashed minions of the Trojan horse. Nothing more than mindless Zombies with big grins plastered on their faces. And just like Zombies there’s only one way to deal with them: A bullet in the head, right between the eyes.
And trust me, you’re doing them a favor.
- video message from Ken Wong, Leader of the “HLF East Asia division”
The question most people are asking is “Why”. Why does the PER forcefully turns people in ponies? Why take away the choice from the people? Why do you hate humanity so much?
Then I smile and ask them a question, too: How could you possibly want to stay in that imperfect, flawed human body if you could be a colorful, magical Pony full of happiness instead? Why do you cling to such a pathetic existence? If you are a Pony all your hate, all your worries and all your fears will be gone. So why do you hate us so much? We’re just trying to make you whole.
Most people then look at me like I’m a madman.
- diaries of AndreasVogel, “martyr” of the PER
Queen Celesia is a *censored* and everybody who drinks that pony *censored* is her *censored* and *censored* her *censored* all day long!
- Graffiti on a wall near the Conversion Bureau in London
***
Hello my name is Flashlight. I’m a soulless Zombie and I love talking about rainbows and sunshine in a creepy, monotonic voice. If I don’t talk about rainbows and sunshine in a creepy, monotonic voice I’m stalking people with a big soulless smile on my face until they call the police.
Nah I’m just kidding.
Hey don’t look so shocked. Just because I’m a Pony that doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my sense of humor.
And you’ve to admit that the HLF is pretty creative when it comes to demonizing Ponies. That Zombie comparison was pretty dam clever; they probably gave the guy who came up with this a promotion and a fancy medal.
Sorry, I’m babbling. Let’s start again, shall we?
My name is Flashlight and I’m a so-called Newfoal. That’s how the citizens of Equestria call the humans who went through the ponification process. To best honest, I never liked that name. It souns like we’re little children that can take care of themselves. Sure the first months are hard if until you get used to your new hooved body but it’s not like we need regular diaper changes. It’s still better than Zombie I guess.
As my dear friend Professor William asked me to talk in front of such a large audience about my experiences as a Newfoal here and in Equestria I was quiet flattered.
“Why me?” I asked him. “I’m sure there are other, smarter Newfoals that are far more qualified.”
And William simply said: “You’re story is rather interesting and it ends with a good moral. I’m sure my audience will like it.”
So if the next few hours turn out be the most boring moments in your lives, you can blame Professor William. He’s that laughing guy with the pipe over there.
So where do we start? Perhaps I should answer the most obvious questions about my conversion.
Did the ponification change my personality?
Yes I think it changed me. Compared to my old human self, I think I’m more optimistic and it’s harder to make me angry. I heard other Newfoals said similar things so it’s not just me. All in all I don’t think it’s a bad deal. And I defiantly didn’t lost my sense of humor.
Did the ponification erase my memories?
Yes and No. It’s hard to explain. As I woke up right after the ponification most of my memories were gone. Over the time most of them came back and many – but not all of them - are blurred and it feels like they belong to a different person. I would be lying if I told you that it doesn’t bother me. Luckily those memories are becoming clearer the more time passes one.
Did I become an always happy, smiling Zombie?
I don’t think so but feel free to prove me wrong.
Can I still feel negative emotions like hatred, jealousy or fear?
Despite the popular believes Newfoals – and Equestrians - are still able to fear, hate or lie.
Do I despise my old human self?
Not the slightest bit. They ponifcation may have changed me but my past live as a human still defines who I ‘am.
Some of you look surprised. You probably expected a rant about how much superior I’m no and that I’m glad that I’m no longer a pity human full of pity human problems.
Well, let me tell you something.
I was born and raised as human by humans. So far, I’ve spent most of my live as a human and I’ve kept some fond memories of that time. I remember two lovely parents who gave their son all the support he could ask for and prepared him for the big adventure called live. I remember my first love and how we shared a kiss in the moon light. I remember my old pet dog and how sad I was as he died.
So yeah, I’ve many happy memories of my time as human and I don’t regret a single day of my old live.
Now you’re probably asking yourself why I went to a Conversion Bureau If I was such a happy human begin.
Well… I don’t know.
Don’t look so surprised. I said that you lose some of your memories as a result of the Ponification.
So I can only speculation about my motivation. Maybe It was curiosity? Maybe I was afraid of dying after I learned that the expanding barrier would eventually kill all remaining humans? Or perhaps because my wife and I were going through a divorce and I was looking for a purpose in life?
The fact is, even if knew my reason it didn’t matter anymore. I’m happy now and that’s the only thing important to me.
You probably want to hear the whole story and how the human John Smith became Flashlight the Earth Pony. So let’s start with my first memories after I passed out from glopping down the ponification serum.
The Conversion Bureau: Body and Soul
A magical and amazing experience
A magical and amazing experience
Jack: “So this is all I have to do? Drink that potion and then I’ll be a Pony? That seems to be so… so trivial.”
Doctor Snaketongue: “Don’t worry Jack, most human are afraid of the ponification. That’s normal but you’re live will be so much better under Princess Celestia. Trust me!” (Hehehe! If you only knew, you fool!)
Otto: “Stop Jack! Don’t drink it!”
Jack: “Otto? What are you doing here?
Doctor Snaketongue: (Dammit! That Christian freak will ruin everything!)
Otto: “I’m trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake. If you drink that potion Satan will get your soul.”
Jack: “Satan? But Doctor Snaketongue says that it’s just myth used to scare little children.”
Doctor Snaketongue: “That’s right Jack, it’s just a myth! Don’t listen to that fanatic!”
Otto: “Jack, let me tell you about a man that isn’t myth. His name is Jesus…”
…
* Jack rejected Jesus and drank the ponification serum. In the same night he suffered a heart attack and died.*
Jack: “Where am I? This place is so hot and full of flames.”
Celestia: “You’re in my home Jack! Welcome!”
Jack: “Ce... Celestia? This place is your home? But I thought you’re living in a magical castle full of wonders?”
Celestia: “Say Jack, do you like bananas?”
Jack: “Bananas? Uhh… yes. Yes I do.”
Celestia: “That’s sad, because you’ll spent the rest of the eternity in hell and there’s not a single banana.”
*Celestia transforms into Satan. The story ends with Jack screaming in horror.*
- Excerpts from the internet cartoon strip “Pretty Ponies”
Once I was just an ordinary human living a meaningless live without a true purpose, like many of you. But I didn’t care as long as the money was flowing and I had enough drugs to keep the reality away.
I was lost without even knowing it. Until the day the Goddess showed me my true destiny.
I still remember it like it was yesterday: I was lying on my couch, drinking beer, watching TV and wasting my life as suddenly the lights went out. At first I thought it was just another blackout, so I threw my beer at the screen frustrated that I couldn’t watch some meaningless crap on television.
Then the room started glowing in a dim green light and a large black hole appeared in ceiling .It was so surreal I was unable to move or even scream. All I could do was starting at the ceiling.
Suddenly I heard a voice in my head, the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard in my whole live.
The voice said: “Fear not!” And I no longer feared.
I watched in awe as SHE appeared, flying through the hole and landing on the floor of my apartment. She was so beautiful, even more beautiful than one the pictures in the newspapers. She was a goddess… my goddess. Immediately I sank to my knees, not daring to look into her eyes.
My reaction must have pleased Princess Celestia because she walked towards me and one of her hooves touched me head, stroking through my hair.
.
“Andreas Vogel, I want to show you something.”
Her horn touched my forehead and then… Well even now I can’t really describe what happened at the moment. It was like she was cutting me into a thousand beautiful pieced and turned that pieces into a new, better me.
I remember that I had hooves and wings and a horn. I was flying through the space, dancing with talking sheep, eating candy-colored clouds, sliding down a giant slide that ended in a lake made out of rainbows and saw things so beautiful that I can’t even describe then.
Later I woke up in my apartment, the TV was running and the light was back on. I looked down at my body and realized how ugly and imperfect I was and a deep sorrow overcame me. But then I heard the voice of the goddess again.
“You’ve witnessed the beauty of Equestria, now go and share it with the world.”
And so I did.
- diaries of AndreasVogel, “martyr” of the PER
***
You’re probably wondering what the first thing was that I felt after my pontification. It was queasiness, a very strong queasiness.
I’m not kidding.
You see, most people think ponification is no big thing. All you have to do is to gulp down that serum and voila, you’re a Pony. Sure the process itself is quite simple but there are some side-effects and the loss of memories is only one of them. There’s is also the fact that the serum basically changes your whole digestive tract. Now guess what happens if you suddenly turn into an herbivore with a stomach that isn’t used to meat and your last meal was a rare steak?
Exactly!
No it wasn’t rainbow colored.
Doctor Heartbeat wasn’t that happy about the mess I made on the floor, especially since he had told me not to eating anything right before the ponifcation. What can I say? My old human-self didn’t seem to be that kind of person that followed the advices from doctors very closely.
Another thing you need to know is that your whole body needs so time to adjust after the metamorphism. You can’t jump trotting out of the door. In the first minutes after the change most Newfoals can’t even stand.
Doctor Heartbeat had probably told me that, too. However try to remember that if your head feels dizzy, your stomach hurts and you’re having a sore taste in your mouth. So my first impulse was to jump from the table and gallop straight to the next restroom. It was a bad idea, a really bad idea: As soon as my hooves touched the ground they gave in and I found myself lying on the floor.
Some people describe their first moments as a Newfoal as magical and amazing experience. To say that I didn’t felt very amazed our magical would’ve been an huge understatement. The only positive thing was that I didn’t land in the not-rainbow-colored mess.
***
Doctor Heartbeat and two other Unicorns levitated me back on the table and used some kind of healing spell. Don’t ask me what kind of spell it was all I know is that it worked since I felt no longer like I was about to die.
After ten minutes I had mustered enough courage for another attempt at standing one my hooves without falling over. This time I was smart enough to actually inform the Doctor about my attempt, so that they had a chance of catching with a levitation spell before I hit the ground.
Slowly I placed the first leg on the floor and then, after nothing bad happened, another one. After taking a deep breath I moved my rump from the table and was now standing on all four legs. Still a bit shaky but standing nonetheless.
“I did it. I did it.” I cheered. “This is amazing. I’m…”
Suddenly I realized something. I lifted my right front hoof right in front and looked at it in disbelieve.
“I’m pink.”
Doctor Heartbeat nodded: “Yes you are. The serum turned you in an Earth Pony with pink fur, yellows eyes and dark blue mane and tail with a pink stripe.”
“I’m pink. I’m a pink stallion.”
“And that’s a problem because…?” This time Doctor Heartbeat had noticed the disappointment in my voice.
“It’s a problem because it’s the color pink.”
Doctor Heartbeat, knowing that he was in for a long pointless discussion, sighed: “A lot of ponies have pink fur.”
“But I’m male. Males aren’t pink.”
“That’s not true. I know that some humans think that it’s a “girly” color but there are a lot of pink stallions. It’s nothing unusual. ”
“Ok, fine, there are pink stallions, great. How can I change my fur color?”
“I’m afraid there’s no way…”
“You are a Unicorn. Can’t you use some magic stuff to change my color?”
“No.”
“If I gulp down another serum would it change my color?”
“NO! FOR CELESTIAS SAKE, NO! THERE’S NO KNOWN WAY HOW WE CAN PERMANTENTLY CHANGE YOUR FUR COLOR.”
“Oh, ok. I understand.”
“Oh thanks...”
“So do the Conversion Bureaus sell any dyes?”
Nowadays I know that Doctor Heartbeat was absolutely right and I feel rather silly. There’s nothing wrong with a pink stallion. At that time however, I was sure that I my masculinity was gone forever because of my new color patterns. Funny isn’t it? I couldn’t remember my name or the reason for my conversion but man’s natural dislike of the color pink was literally burned so deep into mind that even a pontification couldn’t remove it.
I’m sure Doctor Heartbeat would have strangled my with his stethoscope If not somepony had entered the office and told me that the Newfoal consultant was ready to see me.
***
Most of you probably don’t even know that such a thing as a Newfoal consultant exists, despite the fact that they are doing a very important job.
You can’t just turn someone in a Pony tells him or her to have fun and move on. Sure the PER believes that’s how it works, but they live in their own little fantasy world where ponification is the answer to everything.
In the real world Newfoals need time to adjust and deal with the results of the ponification. This is an important decision that will change your whole live. Sadly many people still believe that the transformation into pony solve all their problems. Most of them are in for a nasty surprise when reality hits them.
And then there are the people who never wanted to become a pony in the first place. The people who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time when Johnny PER blows up his ponification bomb, walks home and gives himself a pat on the back while his victims have to live with the results of his actions.
Nutjobs!
Sorry for going off topic again, but this really bothers me. Personal experiences.
Anyway, it’s the job of a consultant to help the Newfoal adjusting to their new live. Most of the time they only have to help them with their paperwork or talk with them about their experiences and future plans. Some of them, however, are skilled psychologists that help forcefully convicted people to recover from the traumatic experience.
My Newfoal consultant was a brown Unicorn mare with glasses and a Cracker Cutie Mark. She greeted me with a warm smile as I entered her office
***
A few minutes later I stared in disbelieve at the file in front of me. It contained my whole live from my birth up until the day of my conversion
Attached to the file was picture. It showed a man in mid-thirty’s, with brown hair, blue eyes and a mustache. It could’ve been the picture of a perfect stranger as well.
And below the picture was the name of the stranger.
John Smith.
My name.
My old name.
My old human man.
My old stupid human name.
Why couldn’t I remember it?
“And? Any memories?”
The voice of Miss Cheesy Cream brought me back to the now.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like this person had never existed. “
“Believe me, I know that feeling.” she said in her the warm, comforting voice. “I went through the same after my conversion. Most Newfoals do. Sooner or later all your memories will come back.”
Now I was surprised.
“You are a Newfoal?”
“Are you surprised? It’s not like we have huge tattoos on or foreheads that separates us from native Equestrians.” she giggled and drank a slip of coffee before she continued. “My conversion took place three years ago. It wasn’t a voluntarily one. There was a PER bomb on my train, right under my seat.”
For a second the happiness in her face was gone, overshadowed by sad memories.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know”
“Oh doesn’t worry I’ve accepted my new body a long time ago. And I admit being an Unicorn has some benefits. Now I can do stuff like THAT.”
Suddenly she lifted her coffee mug in the air and turned it up-side down. Following the rules of gravity, the coffee inside immediately move towards the ground before it was stopped by levitation magic. Then within a blink she turned the mug around again and putted the coffee back inside.
Then she took another gulp. “My children always love it when I do that.”
“Nice party trick.” I admitted.
“The Conversion Bureaus was a great help after the incident. They offered me psychological support and helped me to adjust. I’m not sure if I would’ve made it without them. That’s why I’m here today. Because I decided to give other Newfoals the same kind of help I received. But enough of that, there’s still something I have to show you.
He suddenly disappeared under her table and showed up a few seconds later with a brown box in her mount that she placed on her desk.
“A shoe box?” I started at it in disbelieve.
It was obviously not a shoe box because Miss Cheesy Cream started giggling and shaking her head.
“Oh no. This box contains all the belonging you had as you entered the Conversion Bureau. Sure the cloths will no longer fit you but they are still yours Future more it contains your personal messages.”
“Personal messages? To whom?”
“To yourself. Since memory loses are inevitable, we ask people if they want to leave some personal message that help them to adjust or provide useful information’s about their pasts. Letters, video tapes, pictures, keepsakes, almost everything is possible. One young boy once draw a picture of himself and his parents. It was very sweet.”
Now I was curious. What kind of message would I’ve left form myself? Maybe a sappy video in which I had told myself to be strong or some pictures from a photo album?
Hastily and a bit clumsy I opened the box. It was almost empty except for a set of cloths, a single key and a small sheet of paper with only three words on it.
“New name: Flashlight. That’s it?” I starred at Cheesy Cream in disbelieve. It had to be a prank . Certainly they pull that off with every Newfoal.
Haha, you should’ve seen the look on your face. It never gets old. Don’t be mad, I had the same reaction.
That certainly couldn’t be all right?
Sadly my hopes were immediately crushed by Cheesy Cream
“I’m afraid it is. Normally people provide more information, but it’s not mandatory.”
I felt betrayed. What kind of dick was my old human self? Would it had cost him so much time to put in a simple note with some useful information?
Disappointed I looked up. “So that means my new name is Flashlight?”
“That’s your decision. Most Newfoals perfer to change their name, but it’s no law. Princess Celestia herself stated that she do not want to force Newfoals to abandon their past. So if you don’t like the name Flashlight you still can keep your old human name or choose a completely different one, although you probably had a good reason for picking that one.”
Choosing a different name? Yeah, I would totally do that. I would come up with a cool and amazing name, just to spit myself in the face. And he would be so much better than “Flashlight”. That would show him… me… my old me that I don’t play by his… my… whatever rules.
I looked around in the office, for some kind of sudden inspiration. Sadly my imagination wasn’t that good. Coffee mug? Large Desk? Time Clock? Potted Plant? Manly Pink? Curse my lack of creativity.
“Flashlight is as good as any other name.”
“Alright, Flashlight it is. Keep in mind that you can always change your name if you wish so. Even some Equestrians do change their names after they received their Cutie Marks.”
A right the Cutie Mark. I stared at my blank Newfoal butt. Maybe my special talent would be operation a Flashlight? Wouldn’t that be great?
Flashlight, the pink stallion with the amazing special talent of operating a flashlight.
A magical and amazing experience, my flank!