Chapters Apple Bloom stared up at the ceiling.
“Apple Bloom! Time to get up!”
The foal sighed a little, then stretched slowly up towards the roof with forelegs that felt like they were made of lead; they quavered for a moment as they seemed to reach for something greater than the life they had been born into, and then they dropped back across the foal's face. The child mumbled, before grimacing when there was a knock at the door before it was pushed open, and the all-too-familiar hooves of the middle child of the family strode inside.
Apple Bloom peered through crossed forelegs at her, and Applejack smiled back before she said in a gentler voice than the foal really deserved: “Come on, you slept in. You gotta uh... do your morning stuff.”
“Yeah.” Apple Bloom smiled briefly, looking at Applejack for a few moments. Applejack smiled back, and while it was an awkward smile, there was a kindness there and a willingness, an attempt to understand that... Apple Bloom always appreciated. “Thanks.”
“We'll be waitin' for you.” Applejack said, and she left.
Apple Bloom rolled back to look at the ceiling, then sighed a little before sprawling out on the bed for a moment. Then, finally, the foal rolled over and swung out of bed, sighing a little.
Hooves dragged across the floor towards the bathroom, to begin that same morning ritual that the foal went through every morning. But every morning it seemed to take a little longer: it just seemed like there was more to do. And Apple Bloom thought it was because something was happening that no foal could escape forever: puberty.
Apple Bloom stepped up in front of the mirror, and a colt stared back. A colt with tired eyes and a slender, feminine body and an unkempt mane. Apple Bloom smiled faintly, and as the foal reached up, the colt in the mirror reached up as well, drawing his hooves across his cheeks before he grimaced as he traced them across his lips, then nervously down to his chin, where there was... was it getting a little scruffy?
Apple Bloom didn't want to be scruffy. Apple Bloom didn't want to be a colt at all, as a matter of fact: why, well... that was hard to say. She had simply never felt like a 'he:' as far back as she could remember, she had wanted to be treated as a she, she had wanted, felt with every fiber of her being, that she was supposed to have been born a filly.
She didn't know why: it just felt more comfortable to be she , to be her , more right . And maybe because they had lost their parents or maybe because she had just been so little when she had first started saying 'I want to be a girl,' Applejack and Big Mac had gone along with it at first, and of course Granny hadn't cared.
So she had become their 'little sister,' and it made her happy. Eventually, it had just become the natural thing to do, to say, and maybe they hadn't even really noticed how they went from calling her 'little sister' in private to simply accepting her as a filly instead of a colt , and introducing her as such, because it was so much easier to just play along than it was to try and explain to ponies who might not understand.
Of course some ponies outside the family knew: Rarity knew, because Rarity had made her clothes since she was a baby, and she and Applejack were good friends, in spite of their differences. Zecora knew, because Zecora seemed to know everything , and she and Apple Bloom had gotten to be good friends, anyway.
The foal looked back into the mirror, and the colt that looked back smiled briefly before he rubbed at his eyes, then sighed and brushed his mane back, murmuring: “Well, let's get ready.”
Every day, it seemed to take a little longer: there was more of that scruff to smooth out, because fillies were always so neat and so clean. While the foal's body was feminine, there were extra touches that had to be made to add that certain smoothness most fillies had, such as making sure those boy parts were as concealed as possible.
That wasn't too hard, at least right now with this prepubescent body. Apple Bloom was well-aware that it wouldn't be as easy as some makeup and a bit of sticky film forever, though. But she'd cross that bridge when it came time to.
She. She, she, she . Apple Bloom scowled into the mirror as she styled her mane, and now the colt in the mirror was starting to look a lot more like a filly. She'd learned that big pink bows and a big thick mane helped conceal her sex far better than any disguise or makeup did. She had learned that from Rarity, actually.
She, she, she.
Apple Bloom sighed quietly, then looked into the eyes of the filly that was now in the mirror, studying her intently, making sure there weren't any clear tells anymore than she wasn't really a she. But she couldn't see anything that jumped out, even if her eyes caught on every single imperfection in her body...
She grimaced a bit as she rose a leg slightly, studying it, then looking at herself, at her chest. She tilted her head back and forth as she bit her lip: she was getting bigger, wasn't she? No, that wasn't just it, she was getting thicker . And if her brother was any indication of what she was going to look like, well, she could just forget about pretending-
This was more than pretend, though! It wasn't like she wanted to be a filly just so that she could fit in or hang out with her friends. It just felt right to her, it just felt...
Apple Bloom shook her head vehemently, then blinked and glanced up as there was a gentle knock at the bathroom door before Applejack asked: “You okay in there, Bloom?”
“I... yeah.” Apple Bloom answered after a moment, and she bit her lip before shaking her head and adding: “I'll be right out.”
“Okay then. Remember, I need you to help out today with the stand for a few hours. Big Mac and I need to finish the work in the fields.” Applejack said through the door, and then there was simply an awkward shifting on the other side before her sister moved away.
Apple Bloom smiled briefly at this: Applejack honestly wanted to help, and she appreciated that, but she got a little awkward sometimes. They all did, she guessed: Apple Bloom herself wasn't always sure who she wanted to ask for help, her brother or her sister or even Granny. They were all good ponies, after all, ponies she could trust and talk to...
The problem wasn't that they didn't try to be sympathetic or understanding, the problem was that they couldn't understand what it was like, and Apple Bloom didn't have the right words or the right metaphors to help them. The closest she'd ever gotten was that she was an apple pie that should have been an apple fritter.
Apples, apples, apples.
Apple Bloom smiled briefly, then she shook her head before she turned and pushed her way out of the bathroom with a sigh. She headed down to the kitchen, then took her seat at the table between her siblings, looking down at the apple mush that had already been doled out for her.
Applejack was already finishing her own breakfast, while Big Mac was slowly munching at his food. Granny Smith was humming away at the counter, cooking something up: last minute goods for the stand, or a treat for them to enjoy when work was done?
“So it'll just be a few hours this morning. Then you can go play with your friends.” Applejack said, and Apple Bloom nodded, spooning mush into her mouth and chewing slowly. “We'll need your help again this weekend, too, so don't go makin' too many plans now, either.”
Apple Bloom nodded, then started: “So what should I do about-”
Her voice wobbled, and Apple Bloom blinked, and Granny Smooth guffawed from the counter before declaring: “Looks like you're growing up! That's quite a bassoon you got there!”
Apple Bloom covered her mouth with a blush, and Applejack laughed and opened her mouth, but then promptly closed it when she saw Apple Bloom clutching at her muzzle, trembling a little. Big Mac leaned forwards silently, and the foal shivered as her eyes darted back and forth before she looked up almost fearfully when a hoof gently grasped her shoulder.
Granny Smith only smiled down at her, saying gently: “Now don't you worry. One way or another, things are going to be just fine. But none of us can stop from growing up.”
“I... I don't want to grow up, though. Not like this. Not...” Apple Bloom shook her head vehemently, then bit her lip, struggling to get control over herself as she stared down into the apple mush on the table.
“I'll come help you out soon as I'm done.” Big Mac said gently, as if nothing had happened, and Apple Bloom glanced up at him before she gave a small smile and nodded shakily, hearing what he wasn't saying and appreciating it. Her big brother always knew what to do, what to say, and how to say it.
“Thanks.” she said quietly, and she bit her lip, then excused herself from the table without looking at anyone, hurrying away to the door and bolting outside.
Granny Smith's face fell after a moment, and then she sighed before she turned and headed back to the counter. Big Mac was silent, tapping a hoof slowly against the table, and Applejack shook her head before she finally murmured: “Had to happen sometime. Has to happen sometime, I mean. We can't just keep doin' this forever, either way.”
“Let 'er be.” Big Mac said, and Applejack grimaced and bit her lip.
“He's right, Jackie. There's nothing we can really do for the poor dear. She has to find her own way.” added Granny Smith as she began to knead the dough on the counter. “Little Bloom will figure out her way. Or his way. I don't know. I don't rightly care, either. I just want our little Bloom to be happy, that's all. And I'm sure you want the same.”
“Yeah.” Applejack said, although she sounded almost hesitant. Big Mac cocked an eyebrow at her, and the mare bit her lip before she shook her head and said finally: “It just... I ain't no good at tellin' tall tales, you all know that. Don't really feel like lyin' right now, but when Bloom starts growin' into being a stallion, that's... that's just different from bein' a foal.”
Granny chuckled at this, then she shrugged before saying: “I'm sure Bloom feels the same way, Jackie. It means everything has to change for her. Remember what a fuss it was for you, when you started becoming a mare? Now just think how our little Bloom must feel.”
“But what do we even do at this point?” Applejack blurted, swinging her hooves out helplessly. “Wouldn't it be better to just... to help him get comfortable with being a boy before it's too late, and he becomes a stallion?”
“Apples can't be pears.” Big Mac said simply, and Granny Smith nodded as Applejack sighed, but nodded reluctantly.
“I... I know that. But it's one thing when it all feels like make-believe to make my baby brother happy, but another thing when...” Applejack shook her head briefly, then she sighed and sat back in her chair, muttering: “Horseapples.”
Big Mac shrugged in agreement, then he silently excused himself from the table. For a few moments, Applejack sat, rubbing her hooves slowly against the hard wood of the tabletop before she finally looked up and asked: “How can you be so okay with all this, Granny? I just... I can't stop worrying for Bloom. He's-”
“I know, I know. You're sure you know what's right for him. But he's decided what he wants, and that's that he doesn't want to be a he at all.” Granny chuckled again and shrugged. “I don't know how that works, but I won't question it, either. Now, Jackie, maybe you'd be right about him if he was your little brother... but as nice as you play along, have you ever tried just accepting Bloom as your little sister?”
Applejack bit her lip, glancing away for a few moments before she sighed, then confessed: “It's hard. It just don't feel right. It just... I can't wrap my head around it.”
Granny Smith pushed herself away from the counter and turned around, giving Applejack that half-sympathetic, half-scolding look only she could manage to pull off so well. “Well, which is it, Jackie? Do you not understand, or do you think it's wrong?”
Applejack looked down, then awkwardly half-shrugged, and Granny softened before she leaned forwards and said gently: “Applejack, either way, you need to give Apple Bloom time to figure things out on her own. You don't have to and shouldn't be trying to figure out things for everypony else. That just ain't how it works. Bloom's young, but she's a smart one. You need to give her a chance. It ain't always easy, but you can't make every decision for your siblings. And I mean both of 'em, don't think I don't see how you still try to boss Mac around.”
Applejack smiled briefly despite herself, rubbing at her face before she sighed and nodded, saying quietly: “I know you're right. And I love him... her, I mean, I do. Maybe it just confuses and worries the heck out of me, and I sure don't like being confused or worried about things. Got enough to take care of with the farm and all.”
“Well, you go take care of that, Jackie, and I'll take care of the food.” answered Granny Smith with a smile before she turned back around, humming to herself as she went back to work on whatever it was she was making.
Applejack sighed, but then almost reluctantly pushed herself up from the table. As difficult as it was, she knew Granny was right: work didn't wait for you, any more than the world did. The only thing you could really do was work with what you had been given.
But that was what worried her so much about Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom rested her head across her forelegs, bored. Apart from the occasional customer, there wasn't anything to really do, and that made her fidgety. She mumbled under her breath as she looked off into the distance, wishing there was at least something to entertain her.
But it was always like this: you got a few ponies who came by early to pick up apples and baked treats for a nibble, and then things got real quiet after the other stalls set up. They'd sell a few things on and off until before lunchtime, and it'd get busy again, but after the other stalls set up they never saw that much business.
The Apples were the backbone of Ponyville, Granny liked to say. And she was right, but Apple Bloom thought that just meant they were 'common,' and they were 'everywhere,' and she wasn't always sure that was such a good thing to be.
Apple Bloom grumbled, then glanced up as she caught a familiar green glow in the corner of her eye. She watched as the resident Changeling, Marina, started to set up her own stall just a short distance away, and Apple Bloom smiled briefly before she rose a hoof and waved when the chocolate-colored unicorn glanced up.
Marina waved back with a small smile: they knew each other at least in passing because Marina bought a lot of her ingredients from them, and often shared her stock with theirs. She had sort of found her place in Ponyville, selling treats and occasionally little trinkets: you could always find something interesting at Marina's little shop.
Apple Bloom glanced up as a pony approached: by the time she finished dealing with the customer, Marina had finished setting up her stall and today's goods. It looked like she had brought her usual assortment of glazed apples and a few bottles of chocolate sauce, as well as a few glass knicknacks. Some of them were simple glass balls, while others were little glass sculptures: those came from her friend Moonbeam, Apple Bloom thought.
Originally, when Marina had arrived here in Ponyville, she had been in the disguise of a mare named Moonbeam. They had all known she was a Changeling from the start because there had been a whole big fuss about it, although Twilight had warned them all to give her a chance, and Octavia – who for whatever reason had been assigned as the Changeling's guardian or caretaker or something like that – had reassured everyone then-Moonbeam wouldn't be any kind of threat.
Everyone had been uneasy at first, but then-Moonbeam had made a good impression on them. And well, Apple Bloom couldn't lie: she thought that the fact that the Changeling had prosthetic limbs that couldn't be transformed along with the rest of her reassured ponies too. After all, there was no way she could transform and trick any of them with those obvious steel legs of hers.
After she had made a good impression on the ponies and earned more of their trust, the Changeling had been brought along on some kind of rescue operation: all Apple Bloom knew was that the Equestrian forces had gone in and attacked the Changeling hive, and saved several dozen prisoners. That included the real Moonbeam, which was why Marina had changed her name and her form to what it was now. From the chatting she'd overheard between Marina and other ponies, Marina apparently wanted to be her 'own pony,' not just a copy of someone else. And she'd confessed she had never been very good at entirely mimicking Moonbeam, either, who was a bit of a grump.
Marina, as far as Apple Bloom knew, still lived with Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, but she was more of a roommate now than anything else. Ponyville had accepted her, and as far as Apple Bloom knew, no one really had any sort of problems with her. She worked hard, and gave what she could back to the community, and she spent a lot of her free time visiting her friend, who lived on a hill a canter away from Ponyville.
Apple Bloom watched Marina curiously: the Changeling was obviously aware of the foal's eyes on her, but she only snuck little peeks in her direction now and then: less like she was trying to avoid her attention, more like she had no idea what to do. And even if Apple Bloom knew it was possibly a little rude to stare, watching Marina handle herself with the customers she got was weirdly fascinating.
Marina was always a little shy and awkward, but the way she acted changed with every customer who approached her. She seemed to naturally mirror them: Apple Bloom figured that was her Changeling nature coming out, but she had to admit that it certainly seemed to help the mare make her sales.
Apple Bloom watched with interest until she felt a hoof pat her on the shoulder, and she blushed and looked up in embarrassment at Applejack, who looked back at her mildly before she sighed and said wryly: “You could at least pretend you want to make a sale or two, you know.”
“I'm uh... I'm learning!” Apple Bloom said lamely, giving an awkward smile.
Applejack looked at her sibling for a few moments, and then she sighed before gesturing at her, saying finally: “Go over and at least say hi to her, then. You been staring this whole time, would be kind of weird for you not to at least go say hello.”
Apple Bloom nodded with a lame smile, then she quickly pushed herself away from the stall, stumbling a little over her own hooves before she caught herself in a trot. She slowed as she approached Marina, watching the way she worked a customer: she was very genuine and open even as she mimicked him a little, but the stallion certainly didn't notice. If anything, he seemed happier as he left, and Apple Bloom smiled a bit before she complimented: “You're real good at selling stuff.”
Marina laughed a bit at this, turning towards Apple Bloom and giving a small shrug before answering: “I guess it helps that I can still read ponies really well. I'm just happy that I was able to get a job here and that... no one minds.”
Marina awkwardly rubbed at her shoulder, and Apple Bloom couldn't help but study her gleaming metal leg for a moment: it had been painted the same color as the chocolate-brown coat of the mare, but it was still very distinct compared to the rest of her body thanks to its shape more than its size.
Then the filly looked up, asking before she could stop herself: “What's it like to be able to be anything you want?”
Marina blinked, and then she shrugged awkwardly, and Apple Bloom blushed before she half-looked away, trying to figure out a way to phrase the question without revealing too much or coming across too... strange. “I just... I think it must be really neat to be able to turn into whatever you please and all. How do you... I mean, you can be a boy pony or a girl pony, can't you? But how does that work? How hard is it to change your shape and what happens to the uh... the stuff?”
Marina blushed deep red for a moment, tapping her hooves awkwardly against the top of her stall, but she was spared answering as a customer approached. Apple Bloom lingered as the customer bought a few apples, the filly trying to think of how she could explain what she'd just asked, but when the customer left and Marina turned back towards her, the chocolate mare answered hesitantly: “The thing about being a Changeling is that... any form you take is like wearing a set of clothes. That's how it's supposed to be, anyway... you aren't supposed to like anything more or less. I mean, most of us do have preferred shapes and forms. At least I think most of us do: I know I do, but other Changelings are...”
Marina petered out, then she shook her head quickly before she smiled awkwardly and explained: “We have to change back now and then to our regular bodies, otherwise it... hurts us. This is an original form, so to speak: this is the body I choose for myself, but I guess you can say it's still not my natural form. It feels comfortable, but sometimes it does feel more like a set of clothes over my own body, even if everything works. It's... difficult sometimes, but...”
Marina shrugged a bit, and then she said in a softer voice: “It gets easier. It's getting easier. I'm very thankful that all you ponies accept me and that I've learned it's not the end of the world when things don't go to plan. What friends are, how important they are, and how they can change you and help you grow and adapt. I have grown and adapted to things, learned to deal with who and what I am... with these clunky things.”
Marina awkwardly waved a mechanical limb, and then she smiled a bit before she asked Apple Bloom carefully: “What do you think it is that makes you want to be uh... different from what you are, Apple Bloom?”
“Maybe the problem is that I don't want to be different. I mean, I don't like the way I am entirely right now, but it's better than what I'm gonna become.” Apple Bloom answered, and then she bit her lip for a moment before she snuck a furtive glance back and forth, then she whispered: “Do you... do you know?”
Marina smiled a little after a moment, but a faint blush rose in her cheeks even as she answered: “We're not so different, Apple Bloom. That helps. But I can't lie, it's a Changeling thing. Sorry.”
“You don't have to apologize or nothing. I appreciate you... you know. Not talking about it or anything.” Apple Bloom bit her lip, then she asked in a whisper: “So you're really a boy too, really?”
Marina laughed at this: half-awkward, half-honestly entertained. Apple Bloom cocked her head curiously, but Marina only smiled as she looked down at the filly, answering quietly: “It took me a long time to figure this out, but... I'm learning to be me, and that's it.”
Apple Bloom huffed a bit at this cryptic answer, before she lowered her head, but Marina caught her attention when she added: “You're not a Changeling, Apple Bloom, but... you can still be whatever you want to be, I think. Especially with your friends and family around you. You just need to... well... to talk.”
“I don't know how talkin' is gonna help anything.” Apple Bloom mumbled, and then she sighed a little before she nodded briefly, looking up at Marina for a few moments before she asked: “Can ponies become Changelings?”
Marina shook her head, and Apple Bloom glanced away before she mumbled: “I wish I could just... fix things. I don't want to be this way. I want to be... is there something wrong with me, do you think? At least you're a Changeling, you can be whatever you want to be, but I'm supposed to be a... and instead I want to be a...”
“I don't think there's anything wrong with that.” Marina said, and Apple Bloom glanced up with a scowl she couldn't entirely hide. “Give... give things time. You don't want to be a Changeling, you want to be a pony. You said yourself, you don't want things to change.”
“But being a Changeling would let me stay the same, wouldn't it?” asked Apple Bloom almost desperately, but Marina only shook her head.
“You'd still be something different. And it's still not... perfect, like I said. All I want to be is a pony. We're still going to want things. We're always going to want things, or more, or better: that's just the way we all are, I suppose. Ponies and Changelings and everyone else.” Marina answered with a shake of her head. “I still just want to be a pony, after all. You don't want to lose that.”
Apple Bloom sighed, but whether she wanted to admit it or not, she thought she understood what Marina was trying to say. All the same, she looked away, kicking idly at the ground before she mumbled: “I'd give up a lot of things if it meant feeling right.”
Marina softened, then she bit her lip before she asked impulsively: “Well, if you want to talk about that and maybe... see if I can help you, we can talk more tonight, Apple Bloom. I have an idea that might help.”
Apple Bloom looked skeptically at Marina, but Marina only smiled a little before she reassured: “It won't hurt or anything, I promise. But maybe you'll figure things out yourself before we get a chance to talk again. No pressure.”
“Well... okay.” Apple Bloom said, and Marina nodded. “I mean... it ain't that I don't trust you, Marina. It's just... how are you going to help me? I don't feel like anyone can help me. I don't feel like... I feel like there's a broken branch hanging over my head and at any moment it could come crashing down and-”
Apple Bloom flinched as her voice cracked, and Marina winced as well. For a moment, the filly bit her lip, her legs trembling a bit beneath her, and then she cursed under her breath before she took a slow, shaky breath, and straightened a little, muttering: “Just... nothing ain't right.”
Marina wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything to say; Apple Bloom, however, seemed like she was done trying to listen or figure things out. Her head tipped down, her shoulders drooped, and she gave a long, moody sigh before she mumbled: “Well, I guess I might see you later then. I guess I'm gonna go... find my friends.”
“Alright, Apple Bloom. I hope to see you soon. I'll come by the treehouse later and we can talk if you feel like it.” Marina said as encouragingly as she could, and she waved a little as the filly walked away, but Apple Bloom didn't look back. Marina's eyes lingered on the foal until she was out of sight, her own expression gradually sinking, but she quickly perked herself up as Applejack approached.
The two looked at each other for a few moments, and then Applejack asked almost abruptly: “So you know about my sister's, uh... condition?”
Marina smiled awkwardly, which was enough of an answer for Applejack. The earth pony sighed a little, and then she said finally: “I'd appreciate it if you kept that to yourself and all. I mean, I ain't gonna pretend a lot of ponies don't know, but... Apple Bloom needs to find her own way, I guess.”
“I agree.” Marina nodded, then she asked hesitantly: “Do her friends...”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I just want to make sure she gets the chance to tell 'em herself before anypony else does.” Applejack said pointedly, and Marina nodded quickly again, half-holding up her hooves, and Applejack sighed and added almost grudgingly: “Sorry. Guess I been a bit on edge this morning. Been a long one.”
“I understand. I'm sure your little sister is going to be fine.” Marina smiled. “If I can figure out where I belong in Ponyville, after all, anyone can.”
Applejack gave a brief smile back, but privately, she couldn't help but worry that even if that was true, it didn't mean Apple Bloom would ever be able to be happy about the place she had been given in life.
Apple Bloom wasn't honestly sure what she was doing as she lingered outside of the treehouse in the apple orchard, where Marina had said she would meet her. She chewed absently on her lip for a few moments, and then she glanced over her shoulder, thinking for a moment about just running away and going back to play with her friends...
But it was getting harder to just 'be fillies' with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, because they were growing up, too. And it wasn't that Apple Bloom had a problem with listening to them or helping them where she could, but it was getting harder and harder when they were talking about mare-things, and what Apple Bloom was experiencing were... stallion things.
She didn't want to lie to them, either. And while before it hadn't felt like really lying lying, now it was starting to feel a lot more like it was. She couldn't honestly say or pretend she knew what they were talking about sometimes anymore, after all, and her body wasn't developing in the same ways as theirs was.
She looked down at herself with a grimace, stretching one of her legs out as she studied her chest critically. She wrinkled her muzzle up, then stomped one of her hind hooves: she didn't look much different yet, but she could certainly feel it, all those changes happening to her body. Everything felt scruffier, and ungainly, and like it was starting to stretch and grow...
Apple Bloom scowled, then she glanced up as she heard the soft crunch of approaching hooves before she gave a brief smile as her eyes alit on Marina. The chocolate-colored mare was almost hesitant in her approach, lowering her head ever-so-slightly, eyes soft as they studied the filly for a few moments before she said gently: “Thank you for coming to meet me.”
“I guess I should be the one thanking you. Even if, you know. I don't really know how you can help me or nothin'.” answered Apple Bloom, almost defensive. Why was she being defensive, though? She had almost invited the Changeling here. She had wanted to, but she hadn't been able to get the words out, and made Marina invite herself, but some part of her was so scared that it felt like it had to keep the Changeling on the defensive, just in case-
“It's okay.” Marina reassured, and Apple Bloom blushed, feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. She knew that Marina knew just what she had been thinking and feeling, and she hated it, but there was relief, too: relief she didn't have to admit to her faults, and yet Marina blamed for neither them nor that.
Apple Bloom shifted awkwardly, and there was silence between them for a few long moments. Finally, Marina cleared her throat before she looked up at the treehouse, asking: “You don't mind if we go inside, do you?”
Apple Bloom glanced up, then she shook her head before giving an awkward shrug. Marina gave a small smile, and for a few moments, they lingered as the wind brushed through the trees around them, making branches and leaves whisper in their ears.
They stood for a few moments longer, until Marina cleared her throat, and the sound finally nudged Apple Bloom into doing something: the foal nodded awkwardly, then she turned and headed to the ramping stairs leading up to the treehouse. Marina followed a few feet behind her, giving her space and letting her lead: Apple Bloom appreciated that, even if she couldn't find the words to say so.
She pushed through the door and held it for Marina, even if there was a part of her that wanted to just slam it shut and shut Marina out, and seal herself away inside this artificial womb, where she could only be and it didn't matter what she was being , because she was alone and there was nothing and no one to judge her or question her...
But she held the door open, because that was what she had been taught to do, because that was polite, because maybe some small part of her needed more than just an escape: she couldn't keep running away from the inevitable changes in her own body forever.
She lowered her head, leaning against the door, hearing it creak as she put her weight on it: they'd done so much work to this place, but there were still a lot of old, damaged parts, she thought. Things that needed to be replaced; things that, no matter how you polished them up, you could still tell were broken. That were parts from another time, from a different set of things.
No wonder she liked it up here so much.
She sighed as she walked into the door and closed it with her body, leaning against it, planting her face against the wall as she trembled, but the surge of emotion only lasted a moment before she got herself under control, eyes sliding towards Marina as she asked noncommittally: “What did you want to talk about?”
Marina shrugged a little, rubbing at one of her mechanical legs before she looked around the treehouse. Her eyes roved over the pictures on the walls, the small pieces of furniture, the signs here and there of repair, and repaired-again, and she asked after a moment: “How much work have you done on this place?”
“A lot.” Apple Bloom shrugged a bit, and then she looked away, feeling a strange defensiveness as she said: “I like fixing things up, sure, but there's nothin' about that that means... I just like fixing things. But I like being me, too. I'm allowed to like boy things but not... not want to be, not be a...”
“Okay.” Marina said gently, and Apple Bloom shifted back and forth, feeling both embarrassed, but also cornered. And that was making her act up and act out. She had never tried to really talk about this with anyone, after all: it had always just been accepted and then left alone by her family. Why did she have to try and talk about it now, and with a stranger, no less?
“I always wanted to be pretty.” Marina said abruptly, and Apple Bloom blinked, looking up at her blankly. “Or, I mean, that's how I felt. That's the only way I could phrase it. I just knew that I didn't want to be a Queensguard, and I didn't want to be like the Queen, I wanted to be... pretty.”
Marina gestured at herself, and then she looked up with a small smile, continuing: “The other Changelings didn't really understand. I mean, Changelings always looked at any divergence from the natural order as strange... if you had an ambition, then it was to be 'First Class,' which really didn't mean anything except that you were more likely to be chosen for the more dangerous missions.
“You didn't want to be different, in the Hive. You wanted to conform. Changelings are able to turn into anything and everything, but we were also all very much the same. The Queen controlled us through that conformity, and that drive to fit in with all the other parts of the Hive. Even the voice of the Hive would always encourage us to try and be the same, to find our place in the structure of the Hive; to forget ourselves for the betterment of the Hive.” Marina glanced down, then she shook her head briefly before she murmured: “But it's more complicated than that.”
There was silence for a few moments, and then Marina drew her eyes up to Apple Bloom, saying quietly: “You have to... be who you are. There isn't really any way around that: you have to be who you are, and that's that. I wish it was easier than that. I wish you could choose. But even I couldn't choose. Every day, I felt... I didn't feel right where I was. I could lock step perfectly with all my Changeling brethren, I was happy to help the Hive, I was glad to have a purpose... but I never felt right. And until I came here, joined up with the other ponies...”
She gestured with a mechanical leg, then glanced down at it, smiling briefly as she tilted it back and forth before she said quietly: “I thought I'd miss my legs more. Being able to touch, to feel things. And it's not that I don't, but it's bearable. And I'm happier than I was, because I feel like I fit in more. Like I've found where I belong, the place I'm supposed to be. And that makes everything a hundred times easier. It makes life... that much more worth living.”
Apple Bloom frowned a little, but then she only sighed and shook her head, muttering: “I don't see how that helps me any. I'm not a Changeling, after all... I can't just... turn into whatever I'd like to be.”
“I am a Changeling, and I couldn't just turn into what I wanted to be, either. It took a lot of time to figure that out.” answered Marina.
Apple Bloom scowled at her, and Marina shifted a bit uncomfortably as she felt the rile of emotions from the foal before she sighed a little, then smiled hesitantly as she looked up and allowed her glammer to drop. Apple Bloom blinked and recoiled slightly on instinct from the drone she was left facing: a drone that looked like any other, only the green of its eyes the same. “Being a Changeling isn't a be-all, end-all solution, Apple Bloom. I'm still a Changeling, and a drone. I'm not... really a pony, and I'm not really a mare. I just put on a good disguise, too.”
Apple Bloom was silent, and then she looked down and murmured: “So I guess even if I was a Changeling, I wouldn't be able to... I hate it, Marina. What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?”
Marina softened as the foal rubbed silently at her face, and then the Changeling approached and reached up to gently grasp the filly's shoulder, looking down at her with a kind smile as she reassured quietly: “There's nothing wrong with you or the way you are, Apple Bloom. You aren't broken or bad or anything like that. I... as close as anyone could ever understand how you feel, I do. I know I don't totally understand but I still... I want you to know that you're not alone. That you can talk to me and I'll try my hardest to understand, and I want you to know that it's not hopeless. Maybe it'll take some time to figure things out. Maybe you won't be... precisely what you want to be. But... you'll be okay.”
Apple Bloom looked away, and then she blurted out: “Why do you care?”
Marina blinked, then she shrugged a bit before she said finally: “I don't know.”
Apple Bloom looked up at the Changeling in surprise, and Marina shrugged again with a small smile. “I don't like seeing people hurting. And you're similar to me and... I like it here and you ponies have always been good to me. I want to give back where I can. I want to be helpful.”
Apple Bloom nodded a bit, glancing down at herself for a moment before she looked up and said: “Applejack always says that... you know, ponies should help each other. Granny does, too. But sometimes I don't think that's how the real world works and all. Diamond Tiara seems like she's only ever interested in getting what she wants, and sometimes... it's like you look out at Ponyville and it seems like it's the bad ponies who win and... I don't know.”
Apple Bloom petered out: she didn't know what she was saying, but it seemed like Marina did, as the drone gave a small smile and said quietly: “Sometimes it feels like everything's against you, but... it's not, not really. It just feels like no one can help or wants to help, but you find what you look for. When you're sad, you always end up looking down, and you just see the bad things, everyone who's hurting and scared. You forget that... when you look up, you see the whole picture, and you can see all the good things in the world, too.”
The filly grunted at this, not quite believing it as her eyes shifted away, and then she asked quietly: “But what about me? I don't... what about what I want? I appreciate you helping me and I ain't blind to how much my family wants to help, but... it all feels like it's changing and... what if it's too little, too late? I get that you're still you and I'm still me, but it sure as heck must be nice to be able to just wish your boy parts away.”
“If you really could, would you get rid of them?” Marina asked.
“Yes!” Apple Bloom snapped, leaning almost aggressively forward. But when Marina remained calm, not moving, only looking at her, the filly bit her lip before she shifted a little, her eyes slipping away slightly.
It would be better without those parts. Yet something in her hesitated: it wasn't that she wanted to be a boy, it wasn't that she really wanted those 'parts' of her anatomy: they never felt right and she imagined that as she got bigger and things started happening down there it was going to feel even less right . But when she was forced to take more than a moment to shout and stomp and blurt things out. “It... it would take a bit of getting used to, I guess. But I would, I really would.”
“I believe you, I do. But any change is hard. Even for us Changelings, getting used to the bodies we shift into can be difficult.” Marina shrugged a bit, and then she stepped back as her horn glowed with green light for a moment before she once more took on the shape of the chocolate unicorn, shaking her head briskly out before she smiled a little. “When I first became a mare, I did... it took a bit of adjustment. But I think you've probably already learned about a few differences there.”
Apple Bloom shrugged awkwardly, not really wanting to get into any of the details, and there was silence for a few moments before the filly looked up and asked: “Can't you use your Changeling magic to change me or anything?”
“That's not really how it works, I'm afraid.” Marina smiled a little. “The most I could do is maybe hypnotize you into believing that you're really a....” Marina stopped and cleared her throat, correcting: “That you have all the parts that a filly does, physically. But even then, it would be a lot more like a lucid dream than anything else. I can't physically change you: the same magic doesn't run through your body that runs through mine.”
“I guess dreaming is better than nothing, though.” Apple Bloom muttered.
Marina bit her lip, and the foal frowned up at her before the Changeling asked: “But is that really what you want? I don't-”
“What else am I going to get, though?” Apple Bloom almost snapped, her her voice died down into almost a whimper after only the briefest flare of anger: anger that was far more at herself and her situation than anything or anyone else. “What else could I possibly do? I can't... maybe I should just give up on this whole stupid thing. Maybe I could at least live it in my dreams and just make peace with the fact that I ain't no Changeling and there's no way that a... a colt like me could ever be a filly.”
“Now stop that.” Marina chided gently as she stepped forward and slipped her forelegs around Apple Bloom, hugging her close. Apple Bloom stiffened up a little, but then closed her eyes and sank against the warmth of Marina's chest, giving a shuddering sigh as the mare gently stroked her mane and said softly: “You're just frustrated, and maybe trying to process too much at once. Just... take a breath, maybe. It's okay.”
Apple Bloom mumbled a little as she shivered a bit, then she shook her head shortly before taking a slow, shuddering breath and whispering: “I ain't supposed to cry.”
“Everypony cries sometimes. It's okay if it helps.” Marina reassured, and yet all the same Apple Bloom struggled to hold in the tears, to hide how hard it was, to try and swallow that pain, until the heartache overwhelmed her and she finally couldn't stop herself from giving vent to her emotions.
She sobbed against Marina's chest, and Marina just held her and rocked her gently, stroking her mane almost maternally, her head bowed and tears shimmering faintly in her own eyes. She felt Apple Bloom's pain, and she hurt for her, and with her; she celebrated the pain and lived it vicariously through the foal, because as awful as it was, it felt like undeniable truth, too, and it was something Marina had never experienced for herself, and it was something that spoke of the truth of Apple Bloom's experiences, and that this was more than a phase, and that this was more than just a want or a desire. It was a need, as real as any other need that Marina had tasted in the starving, the wounded, the crying-out-for-help.
Apple Bloom cried for a few minutes, but soon, it drew down from sobs to snuffles, the filly slumping a bit against the mare as her shaking became trembling, became only the occasional shiver, until she rasped in a dry, cracking voice: “ I'm sorry.”
“It's okay.” Marina said softly, stroking gently along Apple Bloom's back, before she asked; “Do you feel better?”
Apple Bloom was silent for a few moments, and then she said finally: “It didn't change anything. I feel stupid. But... I guess I do.”
“Sometimes it's not about finding a solution, Apple Bloom. It's just about finding a way to cope.” Marina shrugged a bit, smiling briefly as she flexed one of her mechanical legs before settling it back around the filly. “I... still don't really know what I'm doing, after all. Even if I feel better, good about things, some days still require... just coping. Sometimes learning to deal with things is even more important than figuring out the answer to what hurts right now, because... you'll always have to find ways to cope, but you won't always be able to find what you need right away.”
“I guess.” Apple Bloom said noncommittally, and she shifted a little, and Marina smiled awkwardly as she allowed the filly to pull away.
The foal rubbed slowly at her eyes, smearing the small bit of makeup there: just enough to accent her features, make them look a little more feminine. Marina smiled a bit at this, and then she asked curiously: “Who else... knows about things, Apple Bloom?”
“Well, uh... I mean...” Apple Bloom shifted and bit her lip as her eyes slid away, but Marina only looked at her, giving her the opportunity to answer and not pressing the subject, and after a few moments, Apple Bloom loosened up enough to answer almost grudgingly: “Rarity. Zecora. A... a lot of the family, I guess. But AJ and Big Mac were always pretty firm about introducin' me as the little sister, and no one ever made much of it. I guess we've always been the weird ones, though, and... with our parents gone, too...”
She quieted, and Marina nodded before she asked: “Have you ever asked any of them for help?”
“Well, Rarity makes dresses and stuff for me...” Apple Bloom fidgeted, rubbing at one of her forelegs lamely, clearly as aware as Marina was that was a non-answer.
Again, it was just a matter of waiting, of being gentle, and Apple Bloom looked up after a few moments and confessed: “I'm scared. Rarity's... she doesn't really get it, I guess. She's nice about it and everything, but I don't think she really gets it, and she... I know when she says things like how I make such a pretty filly she's trying to help but it comes across like teasing. I don't... I don't want to be a pretty filly. I just want to be a filly, you know?”
Marina smiled a little: ponies were so complicated. But she thought she understood, as she said: “I always wanted to be pretty. I like feeling pretty. Maybe I'm a little vain, I don't know, but maybe I also just like being able to be feminine. It helps me feel right in my gender and who I am.”
Marina softened, adding quietly: “But that doesn't mean it's any less right for me, or any less right for you. Just like it is for any filly or mare, too. I'm sure Rarity doesn't mean any harm. It's just that it's important to her to be feminine and pretty too, I think, so she wants you to feel pretty. Because that's what emphasizes being a mare to her.”
“What are you, some kinda shrink now?” Apple Bloom mumbled: it was a little rude, but Marina couldn't help but laugh all the same at it, shrugging awkwardly as she smiled a little down at the filly.
“I guess I'm just trying to reassure you still. Maybe I should just listen.” Marina admitted, and Apple Bloom mumbled and shifted a little.
“I don't know about Zecora.” she said almost abruptly. “I don't... she's weird about it. Like, she clearly knew right from the start that I was a... you know. But Zecora knows just about everything, after all.”
Marina only nodded: from the few dealings she'd had with the zebra, she could believe that. She looked at Apple Bloom, and after a few moments, the filly continued: “Zecora never really... says anything outright, though. She likes you to figure things out for yourself. That's important to her, I think. And to be honest, it really has helped me learn a lot about everything, sort of being... pushed like that and all, even if sometimes it feels real tough, too.
“She says it's real important to know yourself, too, before you go asking about anything you want. I think she was kind of hinting that I needed... I don't know what, some kind of answer before I asked her for help with... you know.” Apple Bloom shook her head. “I'm sure she's got some kind of fancy potion she could mix up to help me out. She's got potions and charms and zebra stuff for everything. But I...”
Marina cocked her head curiously, and Apple Bloom smiled a little and looked down, blushing a bit before she admitted: “I been scared, I guess. Because you're right, it is a big thing, and... I don't want her to think any less of me or reject me, and... what if she did give me some potion that would just change everything? What would everypony think? I ain't... I ain't stupid. As good as Big Mac and AJ and Granny are, would they think less of me if I did that? How would everything be different? If it made me a real filly, would I really be... if I grew up to be a mare, would I be a real mare, or would I still just be a stallion in a mare's body? I... it's scary.”
“It's a lot to take in.” Marina acknowledged, before she said in a gentler voice: “And the fact that you know that is probably a big part of what Zecora wants to see from you. I'm sure she wants to help you. Sometimes helping someone is... making them think about things, though, or even saying no. As much as it hurts.”
Apple Bloom nodded briefly, biting her lip for a moment before Marina said in a softer voice: “I can't speak for anyone, but... you know, your big sister was really worried about you. She loves you. Your whole family is just full of love for you. I could feed for weeks off it, really!”
Apple Bloom scowled a little, and Marina laughed awkwardly at her own inopportune joke before she cleared her throat and said: “Love like that doesn't die easily, though. I don't think they could ever stop loving you. They might be worried, and sometimes that comes out a lot like anger or being upset, but they'll never stop loving you, and I think if you gave them time... they'd accept, even help you with whatever you needed.”
The filly nodded briefly, looking down as she scraped her hoof against the floor of the treehouse. Then she sighed a little before she murmured: “I guess I just wish it could all be easier. I don't want anyone to be upset. I wish I could just... be a filly, and then I wouldn't have to lie to my friends or put my family through any worse than I already have.”
Marina smiled briefly, and there was silence for a few moments before Apple Bloom shook her head quickly and asked: “What should I do?”
“I can't really tell you that. I just know that... sometimes you need a little help, and that's okay. Don't be afraid to ask for help, Apple Bloom.” Marina reassured.
Apple Bloom nodded even as her eyes shifted away, and Marina softened as she felt the change of emotions in the filly. All this talk had exhausted her, put an almost physical weight on her, and Marina hesitated for a moment before she said softly: “If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me, okay? I'm always happy to. Any time you need help, I'll be there for you.”
“Okay. Thanks, Marina. I... I guess I'm glad we talked.” Apple Bloom said. She didn't sound happy, but Marina could feel those quavering, confused emotions in the filly, and the different parts of her, all struggling to process and figure things out; Apple Bloom just needed a bit of time by herself, she thought. Asking her to be thankful or happy... that would almost be cruel at this point. No, Marina was the one who was thankful to be able to be here for the filly, to have this chance to help.
The Changeling smiled, then she turned and headed to the door, quietly letting herself out. She strode down the ramp, then paused before looking up with a faint blush at the red stallion calmly standing nearby.
Big Mac cocked an eyebrow at her, and Marina bit her lip before she said softly: “She just needs a bit of time. And I know you're... all trying to support her already, but...”
Marina hesitated, but when Big Mac only tilted his head towards her in a gesture to go on, she said: “She needs someone to reach out to her. She needs something to bridge that gap between words and actions. She's very aware of her situation, and I think she's... she's worried about being accepted. She knows that... well...”
“Yep.” Big Mac answered, and that was enough. Marina smiled briefly, and there was silence between the two for a few moments before he said simply: “I'll take care of it.”
“Okay. But give her time for now. She needs time. She's got a lot to think about.” Marina said, and Big Mac smiled and nodded.
Marina smiled back, then she nodded in return before she gave a little wave and turned to leave. Big Mac stood for a few more moments, studying the treehouse thoughtfully for a few minutes, and then he finally turned with a shrug to head back to the ranch, thinking of what he could do and just hoping that he could reach out to his little sister in the way that she needed.
Apple Bloom returned to the house as the sun began to set: she had spent too much time thinking, and ended up crying a little more, until she'd fallen into a fitful nap. Then she'd woken up, and now it was late, and she'd probably missed dinner and made her family worry and she really just wasn't any good, was she?
She was a bad filly, and an even worse colt.
Apple Bloom grimaced and shook her head shortly, and then she frowned uneasily as she stepped up to the screen door, frowning through it: she couldn't hear anyone. Had they gone out? Maybe they were searching for her...
No, that wasn't likely. They would have known she was at the treehouse, or it would have been the first place they looked.
Maybe they just decided to leave their freak sibling alone to cry while they went out and enjoyed themselves.
Apple Bloom shook her head sharply to try and throw off those bitter thoughts, and then she took a short breath before she pulled the door open and stepped inside, calling clearly, in a voice that didn't shake at all: “I'm home!”
“Yep!” called Big Mac's voice from what sounded like the kitchen, and Apple Bloom felt strangely relieved as she trotted quickly in the direction of her brother's voice with a smile, before she blinked in surprise as she entered the kitchen and found Big Mac humming to himself as he slowly worked at the counter.
It was strange to see Big Mac baking: stranger still to see Granny and Applejack absent, the filly looking back and forth before she asked: “Where are the others?”
“They'll be back soon. Thought we could talk a little, Bloom.” Big Mac said, before he gestured at the counter and the half-formed dough, and Apple Bloom smiled a little as she approached and hopped up into the waiting chair, automatically going to work.
They worked in silence for a few minutes, making dough and shaping out crusts and balls of dough, before Big Mac said: “I love you, Bloom, and I'm gonna support you no matter what. I was trying to think of how to show you that. I was thinking of dressin' up like Orchard Blossom again, but I didn't want to insult you or nothin'.”
Apple Bloom couldn't help but laugh a little at this, blushing a bit as she looked up and answered: “Aw, shucks, Big Mac. It... did mean a lot that you did that for me. I... it was hard at first, sure, but... it meant a lot. It meant a lot.”
She quieted, then glanced up and added: “I... don't need you to pretend to be somethin' you're not, though.”
“I know. And you don't need to pretend, either, Apple Bloom. You don't need to pretend you're okay, or that you're 'thinking about bein' a colt or a stallion,' or that you're gonna give this up. There ain't nothin' to give up. You're you. You're a filly. You'll be a good mare. And I'll still be your big brother, just like I'm Applejack's big brother.” Big Mac answered.
Big Mac calmly kneaded the dough under his hooves as Apple Bloom looked at him for a few moments, and then she trembled before she almost fell out of the chair when she threw herself at him and hugged him fiercely, but the stallion only gently looped a foreleg around her, keeping her steady and shushing her gently as he rested his head against hers, even as he continued to gently shape the dough with his other hoof, murmuring: “You make me brave too, Apple Bloom. Maybe I'll bake more. I like it, even if it ain't what stallions like me are supposed to be good at. I'm just supposed to be good at kicking trees. But I like this, too.”
“Then you should do it. You do it, and I'll do me, and... that's the way it should be.” Apple Bloom murmured, trembling a bit as tears rolled down her cheeks, face buried against her brother still, clinging against him as she whispered: “Thank you.”
Big Mac only smiled briefly, shrugging absently, and for a little while, they just stayed like that, with Big Mac slowly pressing out the dough beneath one hoof, the other foreleg wrapped around his sister as she clung to him, not daring and not wanting to let go.
Apple Bloom grumbled under her breath as she glared at the colt in the mirror: he just seemed especially scruffy today. She slapped at her cheeks, and the colt smacked his own before they both stopped and leaned towards each other, her nose almost touching the reflective surface as she muttered: “I hate you. And you just keep growin' every day. Just look at you.”
Apple Bloom grimaced as she rose a foreleg, flexing it slowly: were her muscles getting bigger? And her face was changing a little, wasn't it? She swore she saw a closer resemblance to Big Mac than Applejack in the mirror now...
But after fixing her mane and doing just a little bit of makeup, the colt in the mirror started to resemble the filly she felt like, Apple Bloom relaxing the smallest bit-
“Uh, Bloom, your friends are here!” Applejack's voice called, with the barest hint of uncertainty, and Apple Bloom flinched. “You want me to send them up?”
“Horseapples.” Apple Bloom whispered: what were they doing here so early? “Uh... I'll be right down in a minute!”
Apple Bloom winced at the sight of herself in the mirror, then she hurriedly scrambled to the cabinet at the side of the bathroom, where she kept the cosmetics she used to help cover up her more noticeably coltish parts. She dug wildly through them, then winced when there was a knocking at the bathroom door before Sweetie Belle's chipper voice greeted: “Hi there, Apple Bloom!”
“Uh, Sweetie! I'm uh, a little... busy here!” Apple Bloom's voice cracked, and she winced at this, feeling tears of frustration stinging at her eyes before she forced herself to calm down, even as Sweetie giggled a little right outside the door.
“Well, no harm in a bit of company, right?” Sweetie said, oblivious and cheerful as ever, and Apple Bloom's eye twitched as she knocked over a few bottles before grabbing a box of stickies. “Scootaloo and I were thinking we'd walk out of the village today and maybe go visit that Changeling who lives on the hill and learn all about Changelings and Changeling magic and Changeling culture! So we had to come by and get you early. We would've told you last night but it was pretty late when we finally decided.”
“Great.” Apple Bloom grumbled, and then she complained: “Why are you still talking to me through the door? You should go wait with Scoots-”
“Oh, I can come in?” Sweetie asked, and Apple Bloom blanched as the unicorn fumbled at the doorknob-
“Hey hey hey, hold your horses there, missy!” Applejack's voice rang out, and there was a clomp of hooves followed by the sound of Sweetie being snatched up with a squawk. “You go wait with Scoots in the living room. Let's leave Apple Bloom alone for now, ain't polite to go messin' around with a pony while they're trying to do the you-know-whats in the bathroom.”
Sweetie whined something as she was probably half-carried away, and Apple Bloom gave a sigh of relief as she dropped her head with a thunk against the cabinet door. That had been too close.
Apple Bloom went through the last of her preparations quickly but a little more carefully, and when she left the bathroom, she was looking – and feeling – a lot more like the filly she wanted to be. She hurried to the living room, and smiled awkwardly as she found Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo waiting for her, the unicorn foal kicking her legs childishly at the air and the pegasus slouched and half-asleep.
“There you are! That took forever!” whined Sweetie as she flung herself off the couch and almost landed on her face instead of her hooves, and Scootaloo blinked and flailed wildly as she was surprised out of her doze and almost knocked off the furnishing. “Are you ready?”
“I'm ready, I'm ready.” Apple Bloom stopped for a moment, and only then did it really register what Sweetie Belle wanted to do, the filly blinking before she added: “Marina doesn't live on the hill, though. That's Moonbeam. The uh... the glass-lady. The Changeling is Marina and she lives with Vinyl Scratch and Octavia. And she's probably working today. She sells candy and stuff.”
“Changeling candy?” Sweetie asked dubiously, and Scootaloo yawned loudly, clearly not as enthused about the conversation or the idea as Sweetie was. “But I always see her going out into the hills. Are you sure she doesn't secretly live out there?”
“She visits Moonbeam pretty regularly.” answered Apple Bloom with a shrug. “Why are you so interested in her, anyway? I mean. She's basically just a pony.”
“A pony who can turn into other ponies! Imagine if you could get a Changeling cutie mark! Imagine if she could actually like, change our cutie marks!” Scootaloo said suddenly, finally seeming interested in the conversation. “Maybe it would mean like... we could... um... change?”
Apple Bloom slowly raised an eyebrow at Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle stared for a moment before she said awkwardly: “I don't think that means we'd be able to turn into Changelings, Scootaloo. I was thinking that maybe we could do some monster watching.”
“Hey, she ain't no monster!” Apple Bloom scolded, and Sweetie looked away, embarrassed.
“I mean, I don't mean like monster monster, I just mean... you know, not-monster monster!” Sweetie attempted to explain awkwardly, before she added quickly: “Maybe she could help us with disguises then, how about that?”
“Marina's no good at disguises, though. I mean, they're Changelings, they just use magic to change into whatever. That's like saying Rarity must be able to make dresses without using magic.” Apple Bloom said pessimistically.
“Rarity can make dresses without magic!” Sweetie Belle defended, and there was a pause for a moment before she admitted: “They're not very good dresses but they're kind of dresses all the same. She just needs her magic to... you know. Um...”
“Do stuff.” Scootaloo said, and neither foal was really sure whether that was in defense or aggravation. “Can we just go see the Changeling? I think I'm the only one who hasn't actually met her. It sounds like you both have.”
Apple Bloom glanced curiously over at Sweetie Belle, who nodded several times with a beaming smile. “Yep, I met her last night! That was how I got the idea, as a matter of fact! She came over to talk to Rarity and get some new leggings made for her metal-chanical limbs.”
Scootaloo looked curiously over at Apple Bloom, and the filly answered after a moment: “We sell her apples and some other odds and ends. She candies the apples and makes things out of the wood and other things we give her.”
Sweetie nodded, adding: “Some of the stuff she makes is really good, too. Maybe we could find out how she makes them at least?”
Apple Bloom looked mildly at her friend for a few moments, and then she asked dryly: “Do you just want to get food from her?”
“No!” Sweetie burst out, blushing slightly as she looked awkwardly away. “But I mean, you know, if we're going to be there and all and she's selling things, it's good to be prepared, right?”
“You're the worst.” Apple Bloom sighed and shook her head, and then she looked over at Scootaloo as the pegasus yawned again. “Hey, what's up with you? Why are you so tired?”
“Just a late night, that's all. And it's so early!” Scootaloo complained, looking blearily up at the ceiling. “It's gotta be what, seven, eight in the morning?”
“It's nine thirty.” Sweetie said, glaring over at Scootaloo. “I had to get you up, too!”
“Not all of us get our beauty sleep every night, you know.” grumbled the pegasus as she rubbed at her face, and then she complained: “So we don't even know where Marina's going to be, we don't even know what to say to her, we don't even know what we're going to do when we get there, you just want to go and bother the Changeling and what, hope for the best?”
“Why are you being so negative? You thought it was a good idea.” defended Sweetie.
“Yeah, right up until I realized that we weren't going to get any Changeling powers or anything. I mean, she's basically just another pony, anyway. I know you guys don't even care but it's not like I've never met her, either. I bought one of those shiny trinkets from her because it was supposed to bring me good luck.”
Scootaloo halted, then mused for a moment before she muttered: “Actually, it did kind of work. I didn't hit any trees while I was out on my scooter, for once. And I even managed to cut down my time by a second or two!”
“That might be from the not hitting trees thing, Scoot.” Apple Bloom pointed out, and Scootaloo huffed but nodded awkwardly after a moment. “But I heard that Moonbeam is the one who makes a lot of those trinkets, actually. You know. The lady on the hill.”
“The mare who lives in the opsbervatory?” Sweetie asked curiously, and Apple Bloom looked at her blankly. “You know. The opsbervatory. The place where you look at stars and stuff.”
“I think that's called an astrolab, actually.” Scootaloo said, and she looked proud of herself when both Apple Bloom and Sweetie stared at her. “I learned that from Rainbow Dash! Well, okay, I learned it from Twilight while Rainbow and I were having our secret meeting with her. Don't tell anyone!”
“About the astrolab or the secret meeting?” asked Apple Bloom, and then she paused before looking back at her cutie mark, frowning as she touched it and asked grouchily: “What are we doing all this stuff for, anyway? You've never cared about filly scouts all that much and this doesn't seem like it's real mare-lady stuff.”
“It might be! You don't know!” Sweetie argued, and then she bit her lip before admitting finally: “Okay, maybe I just want to find out more about Marina. But I don't know how to approach her. She seems really nice, but she's still a Changeling, isn't she? I don't see how you can be so nice to her when the Changelings attacked us-”
“Like, years ago. Years and years ago. Do you still hold a grudge against Diamond Tiara for...” Apple Bloom gave Sweetie a flat look when she scowled horribly. “Of course you do. That's also not very ladylike, you know.”
“I learned it from watching Rarity.” whined Sweetie, and then she winced when Scootaloo snorted and shouldered her.
“Hey, wait a minute, you didn't say 'monster watching' last night. That was what I said!” Scootaloo said, and when Apple Bloom cocked an eyebrow at her, she shrugged. “I didn't mean 'monster' monster, I just couldn't think of a better way to phrase it. I mean I know she's basically a pony, but is she really like, a pony pony?”
“I think she is.” Apple Bloom said grouchily, and Sweetie and Scootaloo both looked at her curiously, but the filly only huffed and shifted a little. “Well, she is.”
The other two fillies traded looks again, but before they could say anything, Apple Bloom shook her head quickly and added: “We could go look for her in the town square, at least. And if she's not there, she might be at Octavia's. But I don't know if we should, you know, go trekking out of town for her or anything. Moonbeam's kind of grumpy, I hear.”
“Since when has grumpiness ever stopped us?” asked Sweetie as Scootaloo gave a lopsided grin, but the two fillies nodded, then fell in step behind Apple Bloom as she turned to lead the way out of the house.
As they headed into the village, Sweetie hesitated and bit her lip before she looked pointedly at Scootaloo, and Scootaloo looked back at her blankly for a moment until Sweetie almost headbutted her, making her wince before she rolled her eyes and asked: “Apple Bloom, uh... what's up?”
Apple Bloom cocked her head, and Sweetie added quickly: “Yeah, you've been... you know. Kind of weird lately.”
Apple Bloom halted and scowled even as she shifted nervously on her hooves, but Sweetie only smiled as Scootaloo asked bluntly: “Is something wrong? You just seem really on edge. Y'know, if you want to talk about it at all, we're here for you and stuff.”
“Yeah, we're all in this together.” Sweetie added with a smile, nodding firmly. “Besides, Rarity says it's easier for us to deal with things when we're together and all. I just imagine it's hard for-”
“It's hard.” Apple Bloom cut off the unicorn unintentionally, and she grimaced a bit as she looked away when the two frowned at her uncertainly. “Sorry. I just got a lot on my mind and uh... I mean, you want to go see Marina, right?”
“Well, we wanted to go spy on Marina, technically.” Sweetie corrected, before she added: “That reminds me, though, there is one thing I didn't really understand... the book I was looking at on Changelings-”
“Oh, so that's why you want to go look at Marina.” Apple Bloom said, and she felt oddly relieved for some reason, even as Sweetie huffed a little.
“I mean, that's part of it, maybe. I got the book from Scootaloo!” Sweetie said lamely, as if that was either a reason or an explanation, but Scootaloo just shrugged agreeably. “It said 'monsters such as Changelings-'”
“They're not monsters.” Apple Bloom corrected, exasperation seeping into her voice.
“I'm just quoting the book!” whined Sweetie, before she cleared her throat. “Okay, not -monsters like Changelings are apparently almost all male, with just a few reproducing females in charge. So that means Marina must be a princess or something, right?”
Apple Bloom stumbled to a halt and stared dumbly over her shoulder at Sweetie, who looked seriously back at her as Scootaloo cocked her head curiously. There was silence for a few moments, and then Apple Bloom finally asked dumbly: “What?”
“Yeah!” Sweetie burst out. “She's a monster princess, right?”
Apple Bloom stared for a few more moments, then she burst out laughing as Scootaloo cleared her throat, and Sweetie Belle scowled between the two of them before she whined: “What? She has to be, that's what she is! I read all about it, there's a Queen, like Chrysalis, and then she has underling Princesses sometimes basically, and so Marina must be a Princess and that's why she's in exile here and she's either going to steal all the stallions in town away to create her new Changeling army or she gave up because of love and she really loves some dashing knight in shining armor but not Shining Armor because that would be weird but he convinced her to leave the Changelings forever and-”
“Uh, Sweets? Breathe.” Scootaloo said delicately as she gently nudged the unicorn, who wheezed for breath before she looked at Apple Bloom almost defiantly as the earth pony stared back, trying to process what the unicorn had just said.
“Uh... how did you figure all that out?” Apple Bloom said slowly, before she asked: “And uh, what makes you think that Marina isn't just a drone?”
“That would be weird! A boy couldn't turn into a girl!” Sweetie replied with a huff. “I'd know right away that something was wrong!”
Apple Bloom gave a crooked smile, then she shook her head briefly before she turned away, muttering: “Wrong, huh?”
Sweetie frowned at this, trading a look with Scootaloo before they both fell in step behind the filly, Sweetie adding almost uncertainly: “I just mean... I don't think a drone would keep pretending to be a mare, that's all. That's silly. How could a stallion pretend to be a mare, anyway? I mean, it's always pretty obvious. Stallions are big and bulky and dreamy and just different from mares, you know? And how would a Changeling even hide its... parts? That's just silly.”
“Just silly.” Apple Bloom muttered, and then she shook her head shortly, hating that there were tears stinging her eyes, because colts weren't supposed to cry and if she was a real filly she wouldn't have to feel this at all. “Yeah. I guess you're right.”
They walked down the road in silence for a little while, but just outside of Ponyville, Scootaloo asked hesitantly: “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.” Apple Bloom said without looking up, and Sweetie and Scootaloo traded looks as the earth pony dropped her head slightly and turned her face away. “Let's go to the square.”
As they walked through the town in silence, Apple Bloom wondered if they really felt that Marina was a monster. But even if she was a monster, she was a monster that they were excited about. Not shocked at the thought of, like a stallion being a mare. Shock, and disgust, Apple Bloom thought bitterly. So what did that make her? Worse than a Changeling?
Sure, Marina tried to comfort her. Her family loved and accepted her. But even her friends thought she was a freak of nature. Worse than a monster.
What if society was right, she wondered. God, what if everything she wanted to believe was wrong, and they were right? What if she was some mentally-ill freak of nature? What if the problem wasn't with society accepting her, but with the fact that she was so different , and not only different, but broken . Why couldn't she just accept the fact she was a colt? She was a colt. She was a colt and she could never, would never be a filly. She just wasn't and there was nothing she could do about it and all the love and support in the world wasn't going to change that.
Maybe it wasn't even really love and support. Maybe Marina, the monster , just wanted to feel like there was someone, something out there stranger and sicker than she was. Maybe her family worked so hard to keep it a secret and keep her safe because they wanted her to be secret; not safe, as in protected, but safe , as it stashed away from the light, like an embarrassment you never talked about, never showed anyone the true face of.
That was really all she was, and it was stupid to think otherwise, wasn't it?
That realization hurt. That made her stomach twist. That made her want to throw up and made the tears want to rise, but she knew she shouldn't cry.
Colts weren't supposed to cry.
Apple Bloom bit her lip so hard it bled, before she looked up and tensed as Sweetie said quietly: “Um, Apple Bloom, we walked right through the square.”
“Oh.” Apple Bloom looked around, automatically rubbing at her face with a hoof. She could see Rarity's boutique just a short distance away... how had they even gotten here? Had she been that lost in her own thoughts?
“Are you okay?” asked Sweetie Belle, before she added quietly: “I mean, I know you're not. And um, you might not want to talk about it. But um. I'm gonna keep asking if you're okay or not until you tell us what's going on. Are you okay?”
Apple Bloom shook her head shortly, and then she mumbled: “I'm fine.”
“You're kind of obviously not.” Scootaloo said helpfully, and Apple Bloom scowled and looked back over her shoulder at her, even if she was careful not to raise her head too much, not wanting those tears in her eyes to glisten and give herself away. “Um... we're your friends, you know, and-”
“Hey, let's go into the boutique!” Sweetie burst out suddenly, and Apple Bloom scowled in the direction of the shop, but Sweetie only ran on in her not-quite-oblivious way, Scootaloo shrugging and following after a moment.
The two fillies stopped at the door to the store, and Apple Bloom shifted a little, then finally dropped her head and sighed, grudgingly following the two to the door of the boutique and following them in.
She scowled and rubbed at her face as Sweetie Belle trotted a quick circle through the open floor of the building before she shouted: “Hi Rarity!”
“Sweetie? What are you doing here? I didn't think you were going to be back until at least noon.” came Rarity's voice, followed by the sound of hoofsteps. The mare poked her head out from the back of the boutique, and then she gave an awkward smile to the fillies, her eyes lingering on Apple Bloom as she greeted: “Well uh, hello there, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo. Do you need help with something? I thought you were going to visit Marina.”
“We were, but uh...” Sweetie Belle blanked for a moment, unable to stop herself from looking over at Apple Bloom, and Rarity softened even as Scootaloo winced and quickly shouldered the unicorn.
“We needed... stuff. I need to use the bathroom!” Scootaloo said hurriedly, and then she gave a big, dumb grin as Rarity cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Why don't you go do that, then. Sweetie, take your friend to the bathroom.” Rarity instructed, and Sweetie looked dumbly at Rarity for a moment before she brightened and nodded, winking very obviously at her sister as Apple Bloom scowled and wandered towards a corner of the room.
“Okay! Um. We're going to the bathroom!” Sweetie announced, and then she shouldered into Scootaloo, pushing her along as she continued loudly: “The bathroom is this way and we're going to it.”
Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes, but then she gave a small smile as she turned her eyes towards Apple Bloom, remarking: “Even if you're growing up, you're still all very much fillies-”
“I'm not a filly.” whispered Apple Bloom, and Rarity frowned as she walked over to the young foal, who stared resolutely at the ground even as her body trembled. “I'm not and I don't need anyone... pretending.”
“What happened?” Rarity asked gently, reaching up to touch Apple Bloom's back. The filly shivered under that touch, biting her lip as she looked away, and Rarity studied her silently before she added quietly: “I think you're very much-”
“I'm not!” snapped Apple Bloom, looking sharply away, but she was shaking, her eyes clenching shut as hard as they could to try and keep in the tears, to convince herself she was strong. “I'm just a... a...”
“Now stop. Stop.” soothed Rarity as she gently hugged the foal, who wriggled helplessly for a moment before she took a trembling breath, clutching almost desperately into those forelegs that were gently but firmly encircling her.
And for a little while, Rarity just held her like that, and Apple Bloom's shakes subsided and her mind cleared a little of the fog of self-loathing, staring at the ground as she whispered: “I guess I just realized today that there's something wrong with me. There's just... there's really something wrong with me, isn't there?”
“I don't think so. And I don't know why you'd think that, Apple Bloom. You're a beautiful young filly and-”
“But I'm not!” Apple Bloom blurted out, before she dropped her head and whispered: “But I'm not. No matter how hard I try or pretend, I'm just... I'm a freak. No one will ever accept me. I'm sick, aren't I? I'm not... I'm not right.”
“Apple Bloom.” Rarity gently slipped in front of the filly, dropping down to look eye-to-eye with her. “I don't want to hear you saying things like that. Now, I don't know what you're going through, and your family certainly has been concerned about you. But never because you're 'broken' or a 'freak.' I don't know where you'd even get that kind of idea. You're a little different, Apple Bloom, and I and your family certainly don't understand why, but we do know this isn't a 'sickness' and you're not 'faking for attention' or anything like that. You act like any other filly your age does and should. You just don't have the... the same body as other fillies.”
Apple Bloom shook her head and looked down, murmuring: “But that's all being a filly or a colt is. What body you have. It's my brain. It's my brain not working right and making me think I'm not-”
“Stop.” Rarity said, firmer this time, and Apple Bloom shrank her head a bit as she looked back up at the unicorn. “All we can know is what you tell us, dear, and what we see. And what I see is a filly going through a terribly hard time. And I'm awfully sorry for that, and wish I could do more for you than just make you clothes.
“I don't know what's 'wrong' with you, so to speak, but I don't think it's a sickness or anything that needs to be fixed. Do you remember what it was like for you, when you were trying to find your cutie marks?” Rarity asked, and Apple Bloom frowned uncertainly as she looked up at the mare. “You tried all these different things, but none of them were really you. And yet you always kept coming back to the same thing, that one thing you were really good at; you did it naturally, you just never had that moment of eureka, where you fully embraced it, that it was what you were. But it was always what you were inside, who you were, inside. I think this is the same way. Even if you tried to be a colt... you'd still end up being a filly. Gravitate towards the kind of filly you just are : one who doesn't mind getting dirty and doesn't like dresses but still has... a femininity, and a beauty about her.”
Rarity smiled as Apple Bloom lowered her head a little, and then she said quietly: “And it's up to you how you deal with things and your particular... condition, but have you ever thought about letting your friends know? Being open with them. So they can support you, Apple Bloom, and because... then maybe we would have fewer... misunderstandings.”
“I can't.” Apple Bloom whispered. “I'd be a monster to them. It'd just... they'd think I was wrong and-”
“You might be surprised what you find out when you give ponies a chance, dear.” Rarity said gently, and Apple Bloom shifted as her eyes roved away, the filly biting her lip for a moment before the unicorn encouraged: “Try. That has something to do with all this, doesn't it? So why don't you try, at least: not for them, but for you.”
There was silence for a few moments as Apple Bloom looked uncomfortably away, and then she winced when a voice asked anxiously: “Yeah, what do you need to say, Apple Bloom?”
Apple Bloom stared resolutely in the direction opposite of the doorway Sweetie and Scoots were leaning out of, and Rarity smiled a bit as she looked down at the filly in front of her, and then she gently patted her on the head before excusing herself without a word. It left Apple Bloom sitting quietly by herself, slowly rubbing at one foreleg, feeling suddenly cold, afraid, alone... until Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo came up on either side of her, their bodies close, a hoof gently touching her back as Sweetie leaned towards her face, asking: “Apple Bloom?”
“Yeah?” Apple Bloom didn't raise her head or her eyes, but she knew she couldn't really hide the tears or the trails down her cheeks or... anything at this point, really. And yet she strove to, all the same, because hiding things had become like second nature to her.
“Hey.” Scootaloo said in a low, gentle voice. “We're your friends, you know? And you guys... have always been there for me, so let me be there for you, Bloom.”
Sweetie bit her lip as Apple Bloom visibly tried to will herself away from them, before the unicorn added: “And I'm sorry if I said something wrong. You know I don't think Changelings are monsters or anything. And you know that if you just talk to and tell us what's wrong, we can figure all this out and-”
“You can't.” Apple Bloom whispered, looking away. “You can't understand, so why even try?”
“Because I guess... we're friends and we gotta try. And I mean, even if we can't understand or anything, I mean...” Scootaloo fumbled for her words, then she shrugged before saying finally: “Maybe we'll feel better. And we're, you know, worried about you.”
“You don't know until you try.” Sweetie Belle added stubbornly, and Apple Bloom scowled a little, but at least she also rose her head a bit. “We're... you know, we're all growing up too, so we should rely on each other and be there for each other. Cutie Mark Crusaders until the end, right?”
“This is different.” Apple Bloom said finally, looking away, and then she shook her head and shrugged away the two fillies, stepping forwards and muttering: “Let's just... come on, why don't we-”
“No.” Sweetie Belle said firmly, and Apple Bloom glared over her shoulder at her as Sweetie dropped on her rump, looking defiantly at the earth pony foal. “I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on.”
Scootaloo shrugged and sat down, but looked just as imploringly at Apple Bloom, and the earth pony ground her teeth together before she snapped: “Hey, when you two want to be left alone, I always leave it alone, don't I? So why do I have to be the one to fess up to something that... that's just going to make you think I'm a freak anyway!”
“What? I would never call you a freak.” Sweetie answered, clearly flabbergasted. Scootaloo blinked in surprise, before the unicorn added sharply: “And well, if you never tell us, we're never going to be able to-”
“You don't understand!” Apple Bloom shouted, but she was trembling, tears in her eyes. “You just don't get it!”
“Of course we don't, because you won't tell us!” Scootaloo shot back, before she bit her lip and said: “But maybe you're the one who doesn't know us, Apple Bloom, because... because you should know I'd never make fun of you, just like you guys never make fun of me for my wings.”
Apple Bloom's mouth snapped shut at that as Scootaloo shook her head quickly, and Sweetie shifted a little before she started: “There's nothing wrong with-”
“There's nothing wrong with me, I know. Doesn't mean it doesn't... bother me sometimes. Whoever heard of a pegasus that can't...” Scootaloo halted, then she shook her head and said finally: “But this isn't about me. It's about you, Apple Bloom. I trust you and... you should trust us too. No matter how different you are. Even if you are a... Changeling?”
Scootaloo stared at Apple Bloom, and Apple Bloom stared back before she couldn't help but crack a smile, shaking her head and saying finally: “Now that's real dumb.”
“You're dumb.” Scootaloo retorted, and Sweetie Belle laughed in spite of herself as some of the tension finally dissipated from the room.
Apple Bloom shifted, rubbing at her leg for a moment and looking down, and before she was even aware she was forming the words, she said: “I'm a boy.”
The other two stared at her for a few moments, and then Scootaloo said dubiously: “Come again?”
“I'm a... I'm a colt.” Apple Bloom said, almost defiant as she rose her head ever so slightly, even as a flush suffused her cheeks, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo traded looks before they both turned their eyes back to the filly with confusion.
“Wait... you're a colt?” Sweetie said slowly, and before Apple Bloom could nod, the unicorn continued: “So you want to be a colt? You wish you were actually-”
“No!” Apple Bloom snapped, stomping a hoof in frustration. “I'm a colt! I'm... I'm actually a colt! I don't want to be a colt, I want to be a filly but I'm... I'm a colt.”
There was silence for a few moments, Scootaloo and Sweetie looking at each other, and then Sweetie looked back at Apple Bloom and pronounced: “That's dumb.”
Apple Bloom's heart thudded in her chest as tears threatened her eyes, before she looked up in disbelief as Sweetie continued firmly: “You're a filly. You've always been a filly. I know the difference between a colt and a filly and you're definitely a filly.”
“N-No, aren't you-” But Apple Bloom was shushed by Scootaloo stepping forwards to cover her mouth with a smile.
“Hey, you heard Sweetie. You're a filly. I mean, you're kind of getting big and you're a little weird-shaped but you're definitely a filly.” Scootaloo said, and Apple Bloom stared at her even as she removed her hoof, before the pegasus added, blushing slightly as she scraped a hoof against the ground: “And um... you're my friend, whether you're a filly or a colt, because you're Apple Bloom first and uh... you know. A boy or a girl second and uh... yeah.”
“Yeah.” Sweetie echoed, before she repeated in a firmer voice: “Yeah! So... don't worry about a thing, Apple Bloom! You're my friend and you're... you can be whatever you want to be. So don't worry about a thing. That's dumb to worry about. You've always been a filly. And even if you grow up you can still be a filly if you want. Rarity sometimes calls herself a filly, after all!”
“I... I think I'll be fine with becoming a mare when I grow up.” Apple Bloom said with a small laugh, and then she blushed and lowered her head, murmuring: “As long as I have friends like you with me. Thanks, guys.”
Sweetie smiled, and Scootaloo shrugged, and Apple Bloom lowered her head in gratitude. Because whether or not they could understand what she was going through, they were still here for her, and they gave her a place where she belonged.
And they reminded her, too, that she was a filly. Not a colt, but a filly. That was just who she was.
And there was nothing wrong with her.