Starlight over Detrot: Date Night

by CGen

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 16631

Finally deciding to make good on his promise, Hard Boiled goes on a date with Scarlet Petals while Swift Cuddles goes with the Warden of Tartarus on a double date. Side story to Starlight over Detrot

Side (semi-canon) story to Starlight over Detrot: a noir tale

Hard Boiled's life has taken a really rough turn of events since the demise of Ruby Blue. Dying is actually quite far from the top of that list. But everyone needs a break once in a while, be they an undead detective with a colt's soul in his transplant heart or a partially transformed biomagical killing machine.

Thing is, long vacations are such a hassle to organize, so a night out is the best he can do on short notice. With that, he's decided to make good on a deal he's made with his partner: Swift Cuddles will go on a date with the Warden of Tartarus, the constantly burning mare on fire, if he goes on the date with her best friend, the prissy secretary of the Vivarium with a huge crush on Hardy himself, Scarlet Petals.

Special thanks to Chessie and crew for making the story that's gotten me hooked enough to write my first fanfic for this site.

Published 2017-07-11 19:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-11 19:00:06 UTC

Not the worst night out on the town, not the best one either

“Are we there yet?” I tugged on my collar for the umpteenth time since putting it on. The bow tie fit snugly around my neck, but even that felt like I still needed an air tube down my throat. The greasy slick of gel on my mane still felt weird, however little it was. Did I mention how much I hate formal wear?

“Hard Boiled Junior, if you ask me that one more time I swear I will turn you around this cab.” Taxi grumbles, deftly turning a right from Idontknowwhere Street down into Ididntseeasign Avenue, weaving through traffic like a sewing machine’s needle.

“Don’t you mean ‘Turn this cab around?’” My partner calls out from the back seat. Through the rear view mirror she fiddles with her own outfit: A simple shirt complete with black vest and bow tie. It seems that she’s grown to like dressing up like a colt after the last formal event she went to, not that I think she’d wear a dress anyway. Too frilly. She wouldn’t like the cloth getting in her way.

“No, Swift. I don’t.” In what some would call a rare moment by of wisdom for me, I decided to leave that one be. A half second of blissful silence passes as Swift messes with the tightening strap on the back of her vest.

“I thought you were looking forward to tonight, detective?” The resident unicorn of our little group quips. Teasing amusement clear on his voice. Limerence flips his ever-present pocket watch closed before assisting Swift with his magic. She gives him a thankful smile in return, with just a hint of teeth this time. Swift has been practicing her ‘don’t accidentally scare ponies’ act.

“That was before finding out the change of plans.” I pointed a hoof at Limerence, before throwing up my hooves. “I thought we were going to Tartarus! Without having to dress up! And you still haven’t said where we’re going!” I said to Taxi, crossing my arms in a huff.

“Oh quit whining, Hardy.” Taxi’s hoof nudges my shoulder hard enough to make it start to ache. “Tartarus is no place for a date! A mare needs to get out of her house every once in awhile, see the city!” I shot her a disbelieving look. Sure, I wasn’t a social butterfly by a long shot but that didn’t mean Taxi was a paragon of dating advice either. Sex advice, perhaps, but I wasn’t touching that topic with her using a dragon-proof bunker.

“Besides, I went to a lot of trouble to set this up, and it didn’t come cheap, so don’t waste it.” Taxi simultaneously growls the end of her sentence through her mouth and her eyes, glaring at Swift and me with the magic of mirrors.

“Sweets, I think you-” A yellow hoof held my muzzle shut.

“Don’t ‘Sweets’ me, Hardy. When’s the last time you went on an actual, honest to Celestia date with another pony?” The mare’s features took on a moment of sincerity looking at me before turning back to the road. “Y’know...dinner, flowers, a movie?”

“I’ve been on plenty of dates!” I retorted.

“I meant besides Juniper.” Taxi replied flatly. “The closest he got you was hayfries, milkshakes, and case files.”

I resisted the urge to scowl poorly. “Sweets!” I grumbled. But she did have a point. I was the type to consider myself married to my work, the last mare that both caught my eye and went out with me was...too long ago.

Hardy, you lonely, lonely soul.

“Enough about me, this isn't just my show tonight…” I leaned to the side, twisting around the seat to look Swift behind me. “Kid, you got everything ready for dinner with the Warden later? Breath mints? Jerky?”

Limerence chuckled from his side of the back seat. “Smoothly done, Hardy.”

Swift suppressed a giggle of her own before giving me a casual salute with her wing. “All ready, Sir! Clothes are in order, snacks are hidden, I'm ready.”

“Gotta say, you're taking this a lot better than I thought you would. No worries sitting face to face with the Warden’s lack of one?” The lights from the street lamps outside flashed across my partner as we drove on, gleaming off her slicked back mane. From what I could see she seemed decidedly not grossed out at the thought.

“I’ll be fine. The Warden can be pretty scary but at this point I can say I’ve seen worse.” Swift’s voice sounds confident, and to any other pony she would seem rightly so. But she's my partner, and call it a trick of the light or intuition, but there was something about her delivery-

“Miss Cuddles has been busying herself with weapon maintenance and target practice in the hours leading up to tonight, Detective. She's learnt to throw knives rather quickly.” Ah, there it is.

“Just because I’m not as scared of blood anymore doesn’t mean I can’t be nervous!” My partner sighs. “...I’ll feed Goofball your knives, Limmy.” Swift mutters out the side of her mouth, unamused at the unicorn’s betrayal.

“You will have to find them, first.” Limerence returns a confident smirk.

“Riiight….” Turning around to leave them to their glaring, I cocked my head at my driver, who flicked her ear in response. “So, will you finally tell us where we’re going?”

The corners of her mouth creased up into a smile for but a moment, then she ducked her head to try and hide it.

“You’ll see.” was all she replied. The excitement was clear in her voice. She let out a giggle.

That is never a good sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What on the moon possessed you to arrange a date here!?” I exclaimed.

The building we were in front of could be considered nothing less than a sterling example of Old Equestrian architecture. Cloudsdale style columns vaulted with filigree around a large pair of double doors. Atop the stairs, a bored attendant leans over a podium, staring off into infinity. But they’re dwarfed by the rest of the building stretching a few stories up, windows and small balconies reminiscent of some historical time period when Canterlot was the only real city in Equestria. Clearly the pony that started it had no imagination.

Which in my opinion, made it only somewhat less gaudy than the Castle.

“Sir, it’s just the Grand Royale.” Swift pointed out, buttoning up her vest.

“Exactly! The biggest hotel chain in the country? Filled with Detrot’s upper class? What do you think will happen when the city’s most infamous cop, his omnivorous partner, the Warden of Tartarus, and Scarlet Petals walks in with a reservation?” My hoof reached for the comforting presence of my gun. But sadly, the Crusader was sitting in the trunk.

“I never took you for a stallion of fine dining.” Limerence murmurs. Taxi scoffs, waving her hoof nonchalantly in my general direction.

“Pfft. Exactly. Uptown has the least reasons to remember your face, and some of the most to forget it, even after what you’ve done. Do you think any of those ponies paid attention to the news about you? You’ll be fine, Detective Dead Heart.” Taxi mocks.

I clenched my jaw tighter and slowly shook my head.

“Geez, Limerence was on the right track, telling you about that ball last minute.” She leans out the window some, gesturing to the restaurant's entrance at the top of the stairs. “It’s under the Warden’s name anyways.”

“I assume you’ll be coming along to watch the show?”

“...I’m not telling.”

“I hope the new clothes serve well. It took some effort to procure them after the last incident, but they should do.” Limerence nods from the rear window.

Taxi’s eyebrow raises. “You just sewed up the same kind of clothes you got for the police ball.”

The unicorn purses his lips. “Yes, well...they didn't need to know that.”

Taxi took that cue to rev up the Night Trotter’s engine.

“Havefunyoutwodon'tcomebacktooearly!” She called out as she drove away.

As they left, I could almost swear that there was a feeling not unlike that of my butt tingling. Almost. “Kid, did any of that seem suspicious to you?”

“It...can’t be that bad, right? Sir?” Swift looks up to me, the street lamp illuminating her wide eyes and nervous look like a divine ray of light. Just needs a choir.

“Famous last words, Swift.” Patting my hoof on her shoulder, I set my haunches down on the pavement. “I don’t see any sign of the Warden or Scarlet here, so that means we’ll just have to wait.”

“Not for long.” Followed by a sound, like a descending note of air whistling through a tube.

Particles of black gathered into a ponylike shape before me, like a candle blowing out in reverse. The “smoke” coalesced into form and built a pony from the inside out hooves first, led by the glow of embers. Bone, then muscle, but instead of skin, there was clothing.

A red dress, long enough to cover half the rear legs, was held tight against the body. The upper half was embroidered with a pattern like fire. Or dragons. A white half-mask, like that opera pony, covered the upper half of the face. A bright crimson light glowed from the single eyehole on the right, above a jawline half charred, half melted.

The Warden of Tartarus, fillies and gentlecolts, has arrived.

The ground decided to depart my hooves at that moment, and at the same time flicked my hoof for a gun bit that wasn't there. As you can imagine I nailed a landing that was in no way embarrassing. At all. Certainly didn't break a stitch either.

“Oh hello Warden,” I greeted from my position on the ground. “not your usual entrance. Less fire and brimstone this time.”

The skeletal jaw opened slightly, and the remains of an ear twitched. The sound of a thousand souls wailing in anguish came forth. She was laughing.

“Dragonfire isn't always flashy Hard Boiled, I just prefer it so. Apart from roasting, it's also a useful courier service. Good evening, Miss Cuddles.”

“Hello...Warden. That's a nice...outfit?” My partner regained some confidence, stepping forward. Definitely much better then hiding under my coat, unlike last time.

“Thank you. I was going to wear my old dress uniform, complete with cloak and pauldrons, but after Miss Shine informed me of the change in venue it was insisted I wear something less…’disturbing’. So I went for the next closest thing.” She said with no small amount of pride.

Considering the rumor that the Warden decorated her military dress uniform with dragon remains, I was glad to not have had the pleasure of finding out. And finding out the reactions of every other pony in the establishment. The last thing I wanted to see tonight was another of DPD’s finest, which knowing my luck, would involve one Iris Jade one way or another.

And knowing my luck, that was a distinct possibility.

Swift gave me a hoof up as I dusted off my jacket. She nodded awkwardly. “Oh! Heh. Well...I think what you're wearing now suits you just fine. It’s very...dragon-y?”

“Good to see you two are getting along.” I muttered. “Now, where's...”

It was then I noticed we weren't alone. A mare was walking up to us, quite specifically us, since there wasn't anyone else around. She must've been heading somewhere fancy. No one wears that kind of cocktail dress and layered mane without trying to impress.

“Can we help you, miss…?” I called out as soon as she got close enough. Her coat was a shade of deep red, though her jaw was more stallion-like than most. Still, there was something familiar about those features past the makeup and earring...if I didn’t know better I’d almost think it was-

“Miss?” The amused voice replied. It was deep, for a mare...too deep.

“Scarlet!?” Swift gasped.

... because of course it was.

She rushed forward and put her hooves on he-his, face. “You look amazing! I didn’t even know you had anything like this-” she brushed her hoof along the sparkling sequins “-in your closet!”

“I borrowed a little something from Stella.” Scarlet giggled, putting his forelegs around Swift in a hug. “You look absolutely handsome, Swift dear. If you ever need to go undercover again...maybe you could you consider doing it in the Vivarium?”

“And put you out of a job? I-” Swift elbowed her friend. She frowned. “Wait, that came out wrong…”

The rest of us laughed at that. Well, I laughed while the Warden sounded like...whatever a laugh sounds like going through a seared windpipe. Scarlet turned, and he didn’t greet me at first, but the corners of his mouth went upward as he looked me over, brushing his mane aside. “Good evening, Hard Boiled.”

“What, not going to swoop down on me this time?” I asked. Considering the last few times I met him, I expected more pouncing, less personal space.

Scarlet looked surprised for a split second, before smirking and batting his eyes at me. “Out here? How forward of you.” He teased.

At that moment I got the feeling that the reason that hadn’t already happened, was because of the company of the Warden.

“It’s not often I see a pony with such fine taste in embroidery such as yourself...you must be the Warden of Tartarus I’ve heard so much about.” The autumn stallion stepped past me, with only a minimum of tail flicking and hip dragging. Perhaps it was the dress. It was rather low cut.

“Likewise.” The Warden held out a shrivelled hoof for Scarlet to shake. “And you must be ‘mistress’ Stella’s secretary.”

“My reputation precedes me, it seems.” It looked like he hadn’t noticed the lack of skin...yet. “You absolutely must tell me where you got this dress tailored, madam Warden!” Scarlet’s gaze slowly trailed up the dress to the face of the mare herself. “The colours of the thread really do complement the shade of your-ehhhh…uhm...” His eyes stopped at the jawline. Even under this light, nothing quite shines like carbonated bone.

“My...eyes?” The Warden eagerly took the liberty of completing his sentence for him. Also, the liberty of showing him what her eyes looked like. I heard the most feminine shriek I ever had the displeasure of hearing come from a stallion at that moment.

And for that moment, I also had a new coat. His name is Scarlet Petals. Sadly, I don’t think black sequins are my thing.

“Well then, it appears this night will go splendidly.” Flame lined the Warden’s mask as she began climbing up the steps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Places like this were never part of my regular travel plans, outside of business. I was more at home in diners and seedy bars, and the occasional gutter. Still, there was something to be said for the architecture of pony high society. The atrium was large, white that would normally be blinding me was instead giving the place a nice glow. Motes of light hung in the air high above, illuminating the full sized fountain in the centre like a Hearthswarming tree. The sound of running water was oddly soothing, despite the loud clacking of hooves and things on the marble floor. Past the reception was theRoyaleitself, with a queue long enough to fill a bus. Scarlet and Swift were wide eyed, turning their heads all round. Scarlet was talking to himself about the decor, while Swift was mostly at the fountain looking at fish. I had to push Swift away to stop her from staring too long at the fish.

We were all finally seated in the restaurant proper, after a small incident of near-fainting from the greeter and mistake from whomever Taxi made the reservation with took down the name “Wardy”. All in all, it was a surprisingly casual setup for the place, two half-booth tables pushed close together. It was private as could be in that corner of the restaurant, at the Warden’s request, with a window view out into a street full of empty. As for the rest of the place, it was ‘fancy’ insofar as a black and grey and gold decor could be, and candles in enough places I doubted the place was up to code without some very special dinner events.

Guess this is what passes for ‘romantic’ in the upper class: a table out of an angsty teenager’s fantasies and lighting dim enough to make even the Warden look attractive...if she had picked a table that didn't have the light casting shadows across her face.

Swift and I took the chairs on the outside, which left Scarlet sitting next to the Warden. He was trying his best to hide the fact he was trying to avoid looking at the Warden directly. My own eyes were drawn to the mini rack of possible murder weapons posing as cutlery.

“You alright Scarlet?” Swift called out across the table.

“I’ll be fine, Swiftie. The Vivarium deals with things most ponies would consider just as bad on a daily basis.” Scarlet punctuated with a nervous laugh. “No offense.”

“None taken.” Replied the Warden, looking what I assume is pleased.

I had to give it to him, the guy did recover faster than Swift did at least. My partner put the menu on the table, a thin stack of card with too much prench and not enough sense, and leaned over.

“You didn't tell him about the Warden, did you Sir?” She whispered knowingly.

“I did!” Putting on my best offended voice Not my fault if he didn't listen, though.” I pointed out in my most Taxi-like grin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There I was, in a spare bedroom in an empty hall of the arguably the best sex den of the entire city. A four poster bed with satin drapes and rich mauve everything made up the centrepiece. A small table, loveseat, dresser, and vanity mirror made up the rest of the furniture.

This was apparently a 'simple’ room according to the plaque on the door, for the kind of stuff needing nothing more than company and a comfy surface to lie on. What passed for simple there was enough to turn my apartment into a luxury suite three times over. Not that it's hard to beat a pile of ash...

“Ooh, finally want to get alone with me, Detective?” Scarlet spoke through half lidded eyes, pacing around the room in a way that put a little too much sway in his little-too-noticeable rear. “Can't say I'd have picked this room though, it's not nearly equipped enough. My prices have to be worth the ambiance, after all. No matter, I'm sure I can give a stud like you a pretty hefty disc-”

My hoof shot out to clamp his muzzle and give me a moment of sweet silence. I would do that more often, but I figure he'd like it. “Scarlet, when I said I wanted to talk I meant talk, conversationally. Not whatever else it means here. So take a seat and listen.”

The secretary blinked, before stepping back and draping himself over the edge of the bed like the model of a Crusades-era Wonderbolt charity calendar. “I'm ready for it, Hardy~”

The flat of my hoof met my face and I groaned. Well if he gets to make himself comfortable, then so do I. The loveseat didn’t make a sound as I dragged it into position across the rug. I sank halfway into the velveted cushion, taking a breath of the slightly stale air to sort out what I was going to say.

“A while ago when Swift and I were investigating that crazy cult we had to make a stop at Tartarus to interrogate somepony. In return for that, she’d go on a date-”

My ears automatically flattened themselves against my head at Scarlet’s squeal.

I raised my hoof to interrupt. “Let me finish, first.” Pressing on, I kept talking so this didn’t have to go on any longer than it had to. “Swift agreed to go, but only on the condition that it’d be a double, and that she gets to choose who I take. That means you.”

‘Surprise’ on Scarlet’s face would be an understatement. ‘Speechless’ was cutting it closer. His eyes were dilating, too. Any second now…

The other stallion let out a gasp-squeal like a train whistle before my vision was filled with golden strands and all I could breathe was peaches. Scarlet had launched himself at me and went in for a kiss, but I’d braced myself and got a sloppy wet spot on my cheek instead.

“Yesyesyesyesyes! Of course I will!” Rich red fur rubbed itself all over my neck and upper chest. I tried to move my forelegs, but they were bound between Scarlet’s death-hug and the chair. Best I could do was my elbows.

“It’s dinner, not marriage! Lemme go!” The words barely made it out of my mouth. He held on a few seconds longer, making the next breath I took that much sweeter, and the air around my chest a little emptier.

“Where is it? Who’s Swift going with? When?” I’d never before seen the guy so excited. It was like watching Taxi walk into the armoury, or Swift into a deli, or Limerence in that curio place he got that curved sword from.

I then noted how strange my companions must seem to the average pony, and put the thought aside. Again.

“Tartarus Correctional, but it’ll be fancy. Swift is going with the Warden of Tartarus herself, an undead Crusades vet who stole a dragon’s fire while she was in the middle of it.” I spoke quickly, a slight tilt of my head to deliver the final line. “As for when? Tonight.”

Scarlet Petals left the room faster than I could get up from the seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Swift digested it for a moment, before breaking out into a toothy grin of her own. “Oh, that's cruel.”

“Wee-elll…” I chuckled. “If Wardy here gets to mess with her date, then so do I.” I ended with a final nod and wink.

“Taxi could’ve done better, though.” That earned the orange pegasus an elbow under the wings and a grunt from me.

“Traitor.”

“So!” I clipped my hooves together and smiled across the tables. “What are we having?”

“I'll have whatever it is you two were whispering about.” The Warden laid her menu down, gesturing towards us. “It must be quite good, whatever it is.”

“I...haven't had a look at the menu either.” Scarlet tapped his hoof on his empty plate. He gestured in my direction. My foreleg was resting on one the whole time.

“Oh. Here.” I offered. Scarlet took the thing with a smile that would’ve made Taxi’s knees swoon. Which meant that knowing it was Scarlet Petals under that mane and makeup was something I had to keep reminding myself of.

Minutes passed in silence as we browsed the selection of food. Some of the names were just nonsense to me, prench or maretalian or whatever language was in vogue at the time. Thankfully, they had subtitles. Which turned out to be...rather normal. Honestly it was kind of disappointing. No offence to the cooks, but vegetable stew can only be made so many ways. Eventually I just found myself browsing the wine list. One look was all I needed to know that I wouldn’t even have afforded half a bottle on my salary.

“Wow, some of these things are really expensive.” Swift balked at her copy of the Griffin menu she snagged on the way over. “I mean - I don’t mind paying, but I don’t exactly have a regular paycheck anymore...”

“You and me both, kid.” I nodded. “One of these things could rent out an apartment for a month! Or even a whole building!”

“I technically don’t even need to eat. But if I’m hoofing the bill it might take a while, depends on how easily they can process their invoice to the city treasury.” The Warden lifted up a small bag in her magic. “I brought something for myself anyway.”

“What is it?” Swift asked.

“Dragon food.” The rest of us looked at her in surprised silence. “What?” She shrugged. “Dragon magic, dragon food. It’s not rocket science.” She sounded mildly indignant. “But I’ll still hold you to that bottle of wine, Hard Boiled.”

“Anything in particular?” I tried stalling her. Since the majority of the ‘allowance’ from Stella’s hoard was still unspent, that left me as the one most likely to pay for it all in this case. And I never liked spending another’s cash like that. “I’m more of a beer and cider kinda pony, so-”

“I can pay for it.” Scarlet spoke up. “You can save a lot when you live where you work, and if I recall the money you have comes from the same place anyway.” He smiled, neutral, but almost wistful.

Well...one way or another, that serpent’s paying for it. Unless...

“No. I’m sure we can work something out.” I shook my head. “The-” It was by some chance that a waitress then chose to come over. She was levitating a small notebook and pen while carrying a covered platter on her back, wearing makeup that didn’t quite cover all the wrinkles.

“May I take your orders?” Her voice was bored and raspy, a mare who’s too tired and just wants the day to end. Swift, Scarlet, and the Warden all immediately called out their orders.

“And for you, sir?” Waitress mare turned to me.

“I’ll just have what he’s having.” I shrugged, defeated, and gestured to Scarlet, who smiled at her. No way I was gonna try whatever the other half of the table had picked, I’d much rather take my chances with the pony that still eats normally.

She paused, and took a good look at each of us. “...bless you for coming out in public.” She tucked the order away and put the platter down on the table, pulling off the dome while nearly taking out the candle next to it. “Complimentary from the kitchens while you wait. Enjoy your evening.”

Beneath was a sight of culinary wonder I had never expected to see in a place like this. I inhaled its scent, welcoming me like somepony welcomes their lover. One second passed.

“On second thought, maybe we should come here more often.”

For beneath the cover, crusted in poppy seeds like stars, with a generous portion of condiments from cream cheese to onions, and some other assorted baked goods, was a steaming fresh basket of bagels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Miss Shine, they’re already at their table. They won’t be going anywhere.” Limerence raised an eyebrow at the golden yellow mare, who was leaning from side to side like a photographer looking for the perfect angle.

“We might be somewhere classy tonight but it’s still just ‘Taxi’ to you, Limmy.” She said with a glare that belied the real threat hidden in her words. Limerence gulped. She then brushed aside the overhanging strands of her mane, her checkered braid was now done up in a bun. “Besides, don’t you want to see the results of your work first-hoof?.”

“Well...I do.” Limerence admitted. “But is watching their every move really necessary?”

“Lim, this is serious.” She reached out with both hooves and put them on his cheeks, guiding his gaze towards the corner table. “Hardy is going on a date.” Taxi stressed, pointing her hoof. “A double date. With Scarlet Petals and the Warden of Tartarus. Do you really think I could pass up this golden opportunity, neigh, this once in a lifetime chance?”

“Yes.” The unicorn made eye contact with his dinner companion, a staring contest of wills. He didn't last long. “...no.” He sighed. “Very well, I'll humour you. How do you expect to monitor their actions then?”

Taxi smiled a knowing smile, which in the dim glow of magic candlelight gave Limerence an odd feeling. She brushed a hoof against her sky blue dress, and small speck of blue came away with it. The speck shimmered, colour and texture rippling into a shiny shell of red and black.

“Ah, Ladybugs. Of course.” Limerence mused. “A bit of overkill, don’t you think? An enchanted recording gem would work just as well, even if only audibly. It wouldn’t be too hard to sneak one into their jackets inside a secret pocket. You hired their services for this?”

“You think I’m hiring them?” Taxi tutted. “I’m not. This is a favor. You know how much they like drama, and we’re full of it. I didn’t want to chance the Warden sensing a gem with that dragon magic of hers anyway.”

The lone Archivist considered this, and furrowed his brow. “I don’t believe the Ladybug contract covers this.”

“And now you know the hoops I jump through to get the things I do for our little group.” Nodding, she lifts the little bug up higher. “Don’t worry, this is all perfectly legal. Just one pony doing a good deed for a near-omnipresent hive mind surveillance system.” Taxi coos. “Isn’t that right little guy?”

The Ladybug buzzes it's wings, doing a few flips and giving an appreciative squeak. “Queenie would have done it herself anyways. Now go on: Sunshine, sunshine, you know the drill.” With a flick of her hoof, the speck flies up and disappears into the crowd, soon joined by a few more. In a few short moments, the first of them would land on the ceiling above the window: seeing, hearing, and sharing everything below. And occasionally, throw themselves at the candlelights.

“Taxi, my personal knowledge of the Warden of Tartarus isn’t extensive, but would she not actually agree, or even approve of you monitoring the Detective for posterity?”

“I-” The mare interrupted herself, rubbing her chin. “Hm, never thought of that. Oh well, too late to stop now,” she shrugged “so I’ll just pretend you didn’t say anything.”

“Releasing phototactic creatures like the Ladybugs in a place like this would also likely result in-”

“Quiet, you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, how's work been?” I said finishing up bites of creamy cheese and onion bliss.

“Oh, I've had some clients here and there, but it's mostly been paperwork.” Scarlet daintily tore off bits of roll and spread butter on them before eating each piece whole, the 'proper’ way. Something I didn't completely expect from him, though I don't know why I found it surprising. “Not that mistress Stella needs much extra help. I was actually told to take the day off for tonight.”

“I actually just came from an inmate's birthday party. They had me hide in the cake as a surprise.” Said the Warden. She 'ate’ by sprinkling gem dust onto her bread, before charring it. I'd come to the conclusion that she was just doing it for the taste, but I had no idea if she even and any of her tongue left. “I was to jump out once he blew out the candles. Sadly he was too close when he did and now he's spending the night in the infirmary for ash inhalation.” I was beginning to wonder if she just snorted gem dust instead.

“You’ve already seen my work, Sir, you were there!” Swift was reaching across the table, making a grab for the knife in my hoof. “Stop hogging the cream cheese!”

“When you've appreciated bagels like how I do, then you'll understand why I do what I do.” I tore off a section and put it into her mouth. She chewed for a moment before redoubling her efforts. I did let her have it though...eventually.

Ceramic and porcelain clacked onto the laced tablecloth: the first of five courses, according to the waiter. I ran the spoon through the contents of the bowl, watching the liquid ooze back down like molasses, glossy even in this lighting.

“What, exactly is this?” I was hesitant of putting something down my throat that looks like it could crawl back out. “No wonder there aren’t too many lights in here.”

“I think it’s soup, Sir.” Swift sniffed at her bowl. “Smells alright,at least.”

“Kid, it’s pink.” I leaned down to take a whiff myself. It smelled of what was probably vegetables, and something sour.

“What’s wrong with pink? It’s just beets, mostly. Soupe à la betterave...or something like that.” Scarlet casually slipped into prench, waving his hoof in little circles.

“And the rest of it?” I was still suspicious even as Swift took her first sips. Letting the girl with the digestive system of a bear test your mystery food was an idea that was a-ok with me.

“I sincerely doubt the biggest name in Detrot’s fine dining will intentionally put something lethal into a soup that’s drunk by ponies everyday.” The Warden leaned back in her chair, pushing forward an empty bowl.

When asked about how she managed to down it all so quickly, all she said was: “Magic.”

“It’s not that bad. It’s like a thick cream with a slightly watery taste, really smooth once it gets going down your throat. It reminds me of the day I got my Cutie Mark…” Scarlet notes, tilting his head back far enough that I could see the contractions of his neck as the lump slid it's way down, earning him looks from everyone at the table. “...what?”

“Nothing!” I took a spoonful of soup and nearly choked to get the sudden heat out of my mind. The table once again lapsed into an awkward silence. The soup, on the other hoof, needed some salt.

“How about a story?” Proposed Swift. “Better than waiting around for the food to come. Sir? Warden?”

“Nothing's really coming to mind, kid.” I scratched the back of my head, digging through memories for something relevant. “I’m reminded of one case from a Hearts and Hooves day years ago, but details are sketchy...Warden, care to share one of yours?”

“Most of my stories would give the ponies at this table indigestion.” The white mask tilts subtly in Scarlet’s direction. “Any requests?”

“Well perhaps the detective shou-”

“Ooh! Tell us something from the Crusades!” Swift waved her hoof in the air like a school filly, mouthing a 'sorry’ towards Scarlet after.

“Well then, I've got the perfect one.” The Warden leaned an elbow against the table like a bartender chatting up their regulars. “Let me tell you the story of the 212th Scout group and how they managed to kill Eao, the wish dragon...” A warm glow surrounded the remains of the mare’s horn, and the candle flames jumped alive from their holders, forming two flickering sides on the table center; a quintet made of ponies, a griffon, and zebra, readying weapons, and a young dragon, still many times their size, rearing up on hind legs ready to strike.

I had to admit, this was a much better way of telling stories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So? What's going on now?” Taxi urged as she took another gulp from her glass of drink. “I'm still not getting why this wine is supposed to be so special.”

Limerence had opted for a simpler meal when ordering, suggesting that they instead eat slower so as to arouse less suspicion when the waiters came to clear their plates and found one of the diners taking a nap. He had taken the chance to also order one of the speciality drinks: a sherry bottled in the Crystal Empire made from grapes cultivated using secret Zebra methods.

The unicorn blinked twice, shaking his head lightly. Coming out of the Ladybug hive mind wasn't as disorienting as going in, but it still took a moment for him to focus.

“The Warden's telling a story about a group called the 212th reconnaissance group, one of many mapping dragon territory and tracking their movements. I recall mention of them from one of my books, they are officially listed missing after a mission in the Whitetail Woods, but there were never any records of dragons actually making it into that region. Currently they’re investigating a possible dragon’s den.”

“And this is a sherry, actually. The establishment’s own special vintage that I’ve heard is supposedly ‘magical’. I thought now would be as good a time as any to find out for myself.” Limerence takes a sip out of his own glass. The sweetness of white grapes is quickly followed by the long burn of alcohol. “Though I doubt a fortified wine for public consumption would be enchanted or distilled for any alchemical effect. Or perhaps a greater volume needs to be imbiled.” He shrugs, swirling the dregs around the crystal, holding it up to the light. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to the Warden’s tale.”

“Nuh uh,” Taxi moved the bottle forward, setting it down with a dull thump that made the plates rattle. “It’s your turn to keep watch now. Why don’t you keep trying to see if that drink really does what you say it does?” Without waiting for a response, Taxi leaned back into her chair before her head slumped down, chin resting on the blue of her dress.

Sighing in exasperation once again, he levitated the bottle and poured himself a second glass, only to find barely a mouthful was left. Taxi had drunk the rest.

“Waiter? Another bottle, please. Wait, no-make that two bottles.” Limerence had a feeling that it was just the start of many more for the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“-and knowing that she was cornered, Talia detonated the gem, setting off a chain reaction that destroyed the lair and everything in it. She knew the sacrifices of herself and her team would be worth it, for Eao’s call had to be silenced: his solipsistic flattery erased, his grand design - if it ever existed - broken.” The Warden’s fiery figurines showing a literally disarmed griffon and dragon being buried under figurative tonnes of rock.

“That was a terrible story!” Swift exclaimed, dropping her notebook and pen onto her lap. “Everyone died.”

“Well, you never specified it had to be a happy story.” Huffed the Warden, dispelling the flames in a puff of smoke, leaving only slight singing behind.

Scarlet was much less disappointed. In fact, the animated storytelling completely captured his attention. “But if everything was buried in rock, then how do you know about it?” He finally released the death grip on my wrist, an act be didn't let up no matter how many pained faces I made. Scarlet was still an Earth Pony, no matter how prissy.

I was happy to let the other two do all the talking, other than whispering a happy “I'm free!” The Warden’s wine choice had arrived in the meantime, so I helped myself to a glass. It didn't have the same comforting taste of hops that washed away your worries, but it worked well enough for rubbing the blood back into my joint. It was nice to let somepony else handle the story for once.

“Oh, not so scared of the mare on fire now, are we?” The Warden turned to me. “Where do you get these ponies, Hard Boiled?”

“A brothel founded by a hundreds year old transvestite sea serpent protected by prostitute ninjas.” I dryly replied while flexing my hoof.“Swift's grandmother is the head of security.”

She let out an amused 'hmph’ before returning to Scarlet. “That's because I was part of the group that found their remains afterwards. An explosion like that does not go unnoticed.”

The red light of her eye flickered to the side for a moment. I turned just in time to see another waiter arrive, this one set down a large bowl of salad loaded with vegetables and tofu and fruit. “Sir, ma’ams-” He nodded to each side before putting on an industrial welding mask. “-your second course: a grilled salad.”

From somewhere in that uniform came out a blowtorch, though it resembled an industrial welder more than something to flambé with. He pointed the tiny flamethrower right at the salad bowl, at a distance about half a table length away. With one click he pulled a trigger that made the tool hiss with the sound of escaping gas. The faint smell of fumes reached my nose faster than a trained Diamond Dog. On the second click I expected a stream of fire, but nothing came.

The hissing continued as the waiter tried again and again, clicking what was supposed to be the ignition faster and faster.

“Let me handle this.” The Warden stated, planting her forehooves on the table. She aligned her horn as magic light coalesced around it.

A bad feeling suddenly overcame me. The air was a little too thick, smelling a little too off.

“Warden, hol-”

By then it was too late.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first thing I felt was darkness. It was dark, much darker than I remember the Royale being. My body came next, the feeling of cotton and linen around my torso, and that damned suffocating tightness of formal neckwear. I was on my back, my hooves drawn across my chest. The sounds of whatever string instrument the restaurant was using flowed into my ears. Turns out, my eyes were closed.

Climbing back into my four hooves I saw the rest of my companions none too worse for wear, except for a layer of soot covering their faces.

Swift fell off her chair like I did, the mane cement clearly living up to it’s name. She coughed a few times, but seemed none the worse for wear when she pulled herself back up. Even through the soot her bright orange pelt wasn't much affected.

Scarlet didn't exactly have any space to fall back onto, so he just closed his eyes. They were the only thing that stood out from all that black.

As for the Warden...well, ‘charred’ and 'various stages of incineration’ were her natural states. For all I know she was probably smiling.

Also, the tablecloth was on fire. Moreso than usual. It was then that the smoke finally set off whatever inbred child of a toilet bowl served for a fire suppression system. Water poured down in irregular spray-streams, drenching us through all our clothes. There was some sizzling too, but that was just the Warden.

The waiter got off with the least damage, but I wouldn’t call that a good thing. A pegasus came running over, wearing a darker coloured version of the standard uniform. Her name tag says she was the maître d.

“We’re so terribly, terribly sorry for what happened!” The mare said with some genuine pleading in her voice. “I’ll send someone to clean everything up immediately - and your meal tonight is on the house.” She didn’t stick around to hear any reply though, instead dragging off the confused waiter by the ear under her wing like my mother used to do. Poor colt.

Sensing that the drama was over for now the rest of the surrounding tables went back to their own meals and conversations as I helped Swift put the chairs back up. Apart from that, the rest of the tableware was still in place, including a perfectly charred bowl of salad.

“Did you not smell the fumes at all, Warden?” I glared across the table. My mane was still wet, so it looked less menacing than I wanted. I'd half wished it still did though, even though a small part of my brain remembered how utterly terrifying she could be. “Scratch that - all that hissing didn’t clue you in either?”

“I...doubt mistress Stella would be very happy to see restaurant repairs in tonight’s bill.” Scarlet worriedly began brushing his mane back into shape. The soot was washed off now, but I could now clearly see the stallion’s makeup had started to run. “I don’t know if she’ll believe her staff, but it wouldn’t be hard to find out the cause of that fireball.”

“And what, would I even smell with? My, fully functional, sensitive nose?” She gestured to the undeniably flat mask on her face. “There’s no need to worry your wet mane off, Hard Boiled, I know a spell that can help.”

“No more fire.” I deadpanned.

With another application of magic I found myself instead covered in a thin layer of flames. I scrambled to brush them off but their glow grew and held my hooves in place. “Hey! I said no more fire!”

“It isn’t, hold still.” She said. A warmth grew all around me, but it never got hot enough to burn. That's when I noticed that the Warden’s spell was drying out my clothes. “You aren't normally so twitchy, detective. You could stand to learn a thing or two from your partner.”

Beside me, Swift was noisily munching on the salad. “You should try some, sir! It's actually pretty good.” She held out the bowl, offering it to me.

In return I gave her a look. Seeing as my face wasn’t in telekinetic shackles I found it most appropriate. It wasn’t a complicated look, but the raised eyebrow and slow head tilt managed to pass on my message: ‘Do I look like I can do that now?’

“Oh, right.” Swift leaned over and began to take out a forkful, before hesitating and deciding it would have been a better idea to wipe off my plate put a serving on that instead.

Scarlet and Swift took their turns with the Tartarus clothes drying service™ next while I tried the salad, and a unicorn came along to replace the table. Scarlet offered some product for my mane, but I refused on account of me liking it that way. By then I had noticed that the music had been turned up, and the voice of the maître d from earlier rang out from the PA system.

“Attention fillies and gentlecolts, the dance floor is now open.” The music changed. Soft ambient strings and piano became faster as the piano faded and a drum beat kicked in. Dinnerware clinked and chairs squeaked as the diners made their way to the dancefloor. An easy distraction from the explosion earlier, no doubt.

Scarlet got up too. The crimson stallion had his mane brushed back into shape, even his mascara was reapplied. He smiled, taking a bow and stretched out his hoof.

“Detective, may I have this dance?” He even did a little hoof twirl like a gentlestallion.

“Who are you and what have you done to Scarlet Petals?” I drew my hoof back. There was something a little off about Scarlet tonight, but I never gave it much thought with Swift and the Warden to deal with. I’d fully expected to get jumped on and assaulted with tongue at least twice by now.

“I’ve put him in a dress and made him look beautiful.” He laughed. It was a light laugh, like it was amusing that I would even consider it. “Come on, the entrées will take a little while longer, and Swift and Wardy here deserve some privacy don't you think?” He winked not-so- subtly at the Pegasus.

“Go on, Sir, have some fun!” Swift goaded. “It's a double date, remember?”

“Yes, Hard Boiled, it would be a shame if you didn't enjoy yourself at all tonight, hm?” The Warden’s voice took on the tone of somepony enjoying their entertainment. She seemed to be having as much enjoyment at watching me squirm. I guess I should have been glad it wasn't Iris Jade, but death by genital skinning was almost looking preferable.

“I don’t dance.” I insisted. Dealing with formalities was suffocating enough, I didn't want to have to make a fool of myself to the tune of Beethooven too. But my protesting was all for naught. Like usual.

“Don’t worry, I'll walk you through it.” Scarlet tugged on my cuff with more of that Earth Pony strength, and between this and the combined efforts of the other two Wardens I could only resist for so long. “It’ll be fun! Trust me!”

Truthfully, while Scarlet pulled me along to the dancefloor I could have rather easily broken free. Maybe it was all the wine, but perhaps I was just a little curious to find out how things would go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Perhaps I should reconsider my position on the effects of this drink, miss Taxi…” Limerence was staring into his glass, swirling the dark red liquid around. “My dizziness and increased visual colour saturation firmly indicate inebriation, but I remain fully cognizant, as far as I can tell.” He looked up at the mare, tilting his head. “I don’t recall you looking so attractive, either.” The unicorn muttered to himself.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Taxi glanced aside with a grunt, a light tint on her cheeks. “Looks like Hardy and Scarlet are going to the dancefloor.” She remarked, leaning to the side. “And from what our little friend here says, the rest of the Ladybugs aren’t too keen on risking a flight after what the Warden did.” The black and red dot on her hoof squeaked, before blending into the hem of her dress.

The mare checked her mane and took another swig of wine, foregoing the glass entirely. “Which means we’ll have to do things the old fashioned way.” Taxi tracked the pair of stallions as they made their way to the centre of the room. “Hey Limmy, how’s your dancing?”

“Hm? Oh!” The stallion acted like he was just caught daydreaming. “Well, I’m familiar with the waltz…” He waggled his hoof a few times, folding an ear and listened to the music. “But this tune seems much more suited to a salsa.” He gestured to the quick hoofsteps and wide embraces of some of the dancing couples.

“And there’s a couple dancing swing.” Taxi pointed out a pair of minotaurs practically stamping out the marble floor. “I don’t think the type of dance really matters, here.”

“Well perhaps so, but…” Limerence’s eyes widened once he realised the intent behind the mare’s words. “I don’t think that’s a wise course of action, Taxi. I may still be fully aware, but that doesn’t mean my body is entirely unaffected.”

Taxi considered his words, and made her decision. “Nope!” She declared as she got up from her seat and reached for the collar of his suit. “Don't worry, Lim. Just focus on dancing. I'll handle the rest.”

Upon finding himself being dragged not-so-gently backwards, the unicorn opened his mouth to protest, but found a mouthful of rose stem instead.

“Taxi, no.”

“Taxi yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Royale’s interior was bigger than I expected. Standing in the center, right under the skylights, I could see the ceiling vaulted upwards for another storey at least. A balcony on the second floor looked down upon me, and a few diners - mostly ponies, but a few griffons and zebras made appearances - came to view the performance. A large chandelier hung directly above, crystals and motes of magic and channeled moonlight creating a tiny light show dazzling all who looked.

Which meant I couldn't see shit.

“Ow! Watch it!” I whispered to my dance partner as our hooves kicked together for...who even knows anymore? Scarlet may not have worn heels to complete the outfit, but I'm glad he didn't.

“You don't see me complaining about your missteps, Hardy.” Scarlet purred, his hoof pulled on my elbow, stopping me just in time to prevent a bony collision with another twirling couple. I hoped the pony that decided years ago that all partnered dances needed to be done on two legs was having an unpleasant rest. Balancing on half one's hooves was a tall order for most ponies, let alone dancing with them.

“Look, it's been a really long time since I've done the waltz.” Some bigwig on the city's budget decided long ago that Detrot’s finest needed to be cultured and refined, something to show off at the Police Ball as other than 'law-enforcing brutes’. And the way to do that, they decided, was to teach every officer how to ballroom dance. “I'm rusty, okay?”

The only good thing that came out of that was getting everyone, even Iris Jade herself, to laugh at each other stumbling over their own left hooves. That, and seeing Telly show up in yoga pants. Really, hardly any pony got a use out of those classes. Except Taxi, I suppose, who got some extra special dance lessons with the instructor. And Sergeant Double Tap, whose name turned out to not be referring to what everyone thought it was.

“Relax, I'll guide you.” Scarlet soothed. He adjusted himself into a loose embrace, holding up my hoof with one of his own, and resting the other on my upper foreleg.

“Here, put your hoof on me...riiiight there.” He guided my hoof onto the small of his back, and I could feel just how low cut that dress really was. “Lower.”

“No funny business.” I grunted. If I was told I’d spend part of the night in close embrace with Scarlet Petals, dancing, I’d have either laughed my fillings out or tried to see how fast Gale could really repair body damage.

“I swear.” Scarlet said, drawing a little cross over his heart. “Now, lead with your right hoof, and I’ll follow…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So...Warden? Do you still use your real name? Or is it just…’Warden’, to everyone?” Now with Hardy and Scarlet off to step on each others’ hooves, Swift was left with only the undead mare to talk to, though she did spare a glance towards her partner and best friend once in a while.

“Warden is actually the better name for most proposes.” She stuck a burnt crouton between her teeth and ground it into ash. “My birth name, is Astra Cassandra Octavia Philomena...along with 14 other names, Periwinkle.” Her ethereal voice took on an accented, regal air, complete with raised hoof.

“Wooww….I’ve never-wait.” Swift's expression of wonder cut into a frown as she examined the Warden's lack of face. “You’re messing with me, aren't you?”

“Well done.” The Warden congratulated. “You surprise me, Swift Cuddles. You've changed much from that filly hiding under her partner’s coat crying 'zombie pony!’.”

“I'm still me, I've just learnt to deal with my fears, even if they still scare me.” The bright Pegasus takes another forkful of toasted leaves. “It's kind of mean though, don't you think? Messing with ponies like that?”

Red gazed into the young mare’s eyes, like a creature of the dark, but she didn’t flinch. “The 'Warden’ is who I am now, and I see no point in sharing that part of the past. That mare died a long time ago, burned away under dragonfire, even if we have the same memories. To keep sharing that name would be like trying to tell myself that my skin is still there.”

“Memories are what makes a pony who they are, the stories they tell themselves. I would know, it’s my Talent.” Swift glanced aside at her notepad keeping her partner’s seat warm. “But...you haven’t answered the question yet, Warden ma’am.”

“You’ve heard my story, Miss Cuddles.” The Warden’s mask proved hard to read, being nothing more than white ceramic. But Swift did notice the tiny movements of musculature: a twitch of ear, a curve of cheek, even if she didn’t fully understand them. “I stole a dragon’s fire, but lost everything else except the drive to mate and more time than I can deal with. I have no other pleasures outside of work and ‘freaking out’ ponies. And I am quite sure I’m not getting any looking like this.” The mare drew a hoof down her body, earning a chuckle from Swift.

“Being the Warden of Tartarus is all I could and can be. I wouldn’t fit anywhere else.” She nodded with a sense of finality. “The inmates and staff of the facility are my friends and family now, and no pony, save for perhaps two, has any idea what it’s like to be something like me.”

“I’m sure I know a place where ponies who wouldn’t mind how you look…” Swift’s remark earned a quizzical head-tilt from the Warden, but she shook her head and pushed for her question. “Who are they?”

“Saussurea knew what it was like to wield power over dragons.” The Warden adjusted herself in the booth, leaning against the window. “Having them follow her every whim, no matter the order. Much like how I wield the fire of Astraxis himself. She achieved great and terrible things in her lifetime, and I have much longer to live. In a way, Saucy reminds me of the pony I used to be.”

“And the other?”

“Why, your partner, Miss Cuddles. There is a certain...epiphany, when one cheats death. Especially in the way he apparently has.” The mare tilts her head at the mass of dancers in the center of the room. “The dying is no less pleasant, I suppose, but death itself seems much less of an aversion once it has been experienced. The Detective has only skirted mortality more often since the first time, has he not? And yet he still keeps to the ideals that get him into such trouble in the first place. Most would rather turn disastrously apathetic, selfish. It is an...attractive, quality.”

“Does this mean he's the pony you wish you could be?” Swift leaned forward with renewed interest. “Ooh! Does this mean you're, uh, attracted to him?”

“I would hardly wish to become a middle aged alcoholic stallion with a crippling bagel addiction.” A puff of smoke blows out from under the mask. “And, no. I was simply referring to the detective's better traits. If that pony were to willingly go out to dinner with the once deceased, it certainly would not be with this one.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The music went on for what felt like must have been an hour, with no end of pain dancing up my legs like the dancers I’ve bumped into. Many times, in fact. I’m quite sure there’s this one Minotaur bull that’s going to trip me up lat-

“This is...nice, isn’t it?” My dance partner’s voice was hard to miss, especially considering it was coming less than a hoof’s length from me. The music slowed down enough that he found it more appropriate for a closer, less dramatic set of movements.

It did little to help. I was internally monologuing for a reason, after all.

“Eee-nope.” I’d shook my head, but another brush from behind turned it into an accidental headbutt. We were both long past the point of apologizing by then. “I’m terrible at dancing, our hooves are going to have enough bruises by tomorrow to make a marriage counsellor suspicious, and I’m starting to suspect that some of these other dancers might want to follow us back to our table later on.”

“It’s not that bad...look,-” Scarlet stopped our awkward shuffling as the music changed, and for a brief moment I felt the bliss of having all four hooves on the ground no one to bump into me. Guess standing obstacles were just easier to avoid. “-let’s start again? Right hoof up, left on me…”

Scarlet raised his hoof and looked at me, pleadingly almost. “Really?” I sighed. But I accepted and assumed the position. Perhaps some part of me wanted to repay his belief that this would be worth the effort.

“Just listen to the music, and I’ll follow you.” The stallion reared up and stepped in closer, waiting for me to begin. I closed my eyes and let the music play, feeling for a rhythm to follow.

Some time past the trumpets and some stallion singing about never dancing again, my hooves started moving. They flowed along the steps that were just a little closer to muscle memory by now, and Scarlet kept right up with me. Right, back, left...the movements moved little by little to the back of my mind.

“This is a terrible song for dancing.” Scarlet giggled, smiling at me. The combined stress of all the earlier failures seemed so far away now. Having put the dance aside, I could actually listen to the lyrics. And I laughed back.

That would have been the perfect moment to consider if that was how a good dance was supposed to feel like, but it was cut short by a shove that took my dance partner down with me to the floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all his previous insistence, Limerence found that moving on the polished marble tiles was only slightly less terrible than he expected it to be. Or, less terrible that whatever he saw Hard Boiled experience, at least. He wasn’t sure if that was a testament to Taxi’s skill in ballroom dancing or the Detective’s lack of skill.

“Need I remind you we’re not supposed to be seen!?” He strained through his teeth. The rose didn’t really restrict his speech, but it did serve to take his dulled senses-of-everything off simply spitting it out and leaving.

“We won’t. Just a little closer…” The mare’s dress was nearly fluttering with the quick hoofsteps of the Vwhinnyese waltz she was leading them both through, somehow making her partner’s near stumblings look part of the act. She had noted (and expected) the many bumps Hardy and Scarlet had literally gone through. They were too busy to notice the other dancers closely, not that she’d have given the chance, and by that point one more bump wouldn’t have hurt. No matter how noticeable a Vwhinnyese waltz was during a slow song.

A slightly prolonged brush of her back against Hardy’s gave the Ladybug ample time to hop over. For a moment, Taxi’s breath caught still when she sensed the pair’s dance suddenly halt, but she was no less than six dancers away not moment later.

“Wha-hey! Lim!” Also, her bun came loose. In the interests of not causing a scene, she regulated her a feelings into a single expression: A glare hot enough to melt glass.

“Sorry.” The unicorn whispered back, holding the rose his hoof. “But your mane is very distinctive, I sincerely doubt that the detective would not recognize your colours even if in a different style.” He suddenly felt a rise in temperature that very much did not feel like the effects of alcohol.

“And letting the braid down was supposed to help?” She inquired. “Pft, forget it. The bug’s been planted, but the crowd is thinning.” Taxi took Limerence’s sleeve and brought him to the opposite end of the dance floor, keeping the couples between them and their targets. “We need a distraction.” A knot came undone, extending the rear of the mare’s dress to cover her hind legs.

“W-what are you doing?” The unicorn nearly tripped over his other hooves keeping up. The earth pony took a glance around then looked upwards, waving and gesturing to the booth above.

“Dancing.” Taxi wrapped a foreleg around his torso, pulled his hoof forward and brought their heads close enough to make him flush red. She grabbed the rose off his hoof with her teeth as the sound of an accordion began to play.

“How’s your tango?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Landing flat on my ass was nothing new to me. But for Scarlet Petals, it may as well have been the first.

“Hey!” He practically growled. “What's th-”

My hoof on his shoulder interrupted the would-be rant. “Save it. We've danced enough anyway. One more, than back to the table, remember?” I gave small smile to show him it was alright.

Scarlet’s face flashed from bitterness to a mild grimace. “Yeah...okay, Hardy.” I offered a hoof up and he accepted, sweeping his mane back into place with a grateful smile and nod.

“I wouldn't Swift and the Warden to miss us.” He joked, staggering slightly. The time spent dancing wasn't too long, according to a wall clock, but exercise has a way of making things feel longer.

I'd braced him against me before he his legs could forget to support his weight, not that I didn’t feel the burn in my legs coming along too. I glanced to the corner and spied the Warden and Swift talking, an ice bucket of wines now standing by.

“I wonder if they had as much trouble as we did.” Scarlet wondered out loud.

“Knowing the Warden? Probably.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“-s all a matter of force, really. Once you have the right position your own creativity is the limit. Of course, if the situation and your skill allows for it,it may simply be more prudent to outlast instead of outmatch.” A hooffull of cards levitated in the Warden's fiery aura as she surveyed the spread before her. Swift hum-ed along with her words, taking down words and playing with equal speed.

The salad bowl lay empty, pushed aside except for the glasses of wine (and a soda for Swift). Swift had since decided that her card game would be an excellent prompt for more stories, some facets being directly lifted from history the Warden would have lived through. But the time for stories was over, she set down her selection with a flourish of her wing, confident in her victory.

“Elder drake.” A single card floated down, showing an illustration of an orange dragon mid breath. “I win.”

“Ugh!” Her opponent flicked her remaining cards on the table with a pout, folding her forelegs over her half tux. “Again? I never win against older ponies anymore!”

“Perhaps you might want to consider playing opponents without prior military experience. Resource and unit management are basic tactical principles after all. Perhaps you might want to try chess?”

The single red eye glowed smugly behind the mask, watching the filly gather up the cards. “I must say, tonight has been more enjoyable than I originally expected.”

“Everything’s better with friends.” Swift tucked the deck away in her pocket. “Did you ever do anything like this in Tartarus?”

“Of course. Like I said, Tartarus is my life now, friends and family included. I simply have very few associates outside of it, in no small part due to my visage. I suppose that speaks for the type of mind required in the first place.”

“Er, maybe it's because of how you act, too?”

She raised her glass and took a.gulp of Manehatten White. The liquid didn't spill out through her skeletal half, instead somehow flowing right through the remains of her gullet, easily reaching boiling point. More bottles were already on their way - the side effects of having a flaming hot metabolism.

“The warden of any prison has to appear intimidating on occasion, to inspire obedience where more casual relations cannot. Perhaps it's simply some unwritten rule for the job. Prisoners of great and terrible deeds, a secure facility….a three headed guard dog…”

Swift choked on her drink, barely managing to set the glass down properly. “How did you know about that!?”

“I didn't, but thank you for confirming that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scarlet and I finally made it back to the table, looking worse than when we left. Mustering all I could to pull the chair out and sit down again was enough work for the moment. I let my chin lie on the tablecloth and stared at the plates as the muscles all down my back started to melt.

“So...have you been enjoying yourselves?”

“Oh, just...listening to some of the Warden’s war stories Sir!” My partner grinned nervously, as nervously as a mouth of flesh-knives hard as steel could look ‘nervous’. “She was just...giving me some advice she got from a soldier she worked with!” The Warden just snorted, her cheek curved into a 'smile’ of her own.

I'd opened my mouth to contest the obvious lie, but the waiters of the establishment and their sense of timing struck again. I was interrupted by a waitress clearing her throat, the earth pony shifted the tray from her back.

“Ahem...your entrées,” she slowly made her way around the table. “half spring chicken with pommes dauphines and raspberry reduction...” The mare spoke with confusion and perhaps a little disgust, though at Swift or her dinner choice I couldn't tell. Swift herself gave the mare a thankful smile out of the corner of my eye, though she had looked away (lucky her) by then. The dead bird was still steaming, but the sides of cheesy potatoes and raspberries made up for the smell on sight alone.

“swordfish...” Next dish was out to the Warden - something I suppose I should have expected in hindsight: A whole fish, still raw enough to swim.

“and finally, vegetable curry. For two.” I didn't know what that was but it smelled delicious. Almost enough for me to lift my head off the table.

“Sir, please lift your head off the table.” My hindlegs ached, and the satin tablecloth was as smooth as the comfiest bed I could remember. But all good things must end. The chair’s backrest would have to make do.

“Here, allow me.” Scarlet stood to assist,the generally good natured colt that he is. But the forces of nature that conspire against me don’t take breaks. He tripped - maybe it was on his dress or over the table leg - but the end result was what mattered.

The mare managed to catch herself, but the tray tilted, unbalanced. I heard the bowl slide, felt the porcelain crack itself against my skull. After that, came fire.

Fire and screams.

My screams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow Swift managed to direct me into the little stallion's room. Even the toilets were lit up by candles. You'd think they'd never moved past tribalist times if not for the plumbing.

The running water did little to help the burning, but it still helped. Heat and spice lingered on every sensitive area of my face, but at least I could see again. A glance up showed I still had a large stain of orange on my shirt, so I went down for another round. The only good thing to come of it was an excuse to trash the tiny noose, also known as a bow tie.

“Evening, Hardy. Looking dapper tonight, aren't we?”

Most normal ponies would look up upon hearing a voice coming from the bathroom mirror. Most would also scream “ghost!” when they found out the pony they'd see wasn't their own reflection. This ghost and I were very well acquainted.

“Hello, Juniper.” I deadpanned. A small part of me was happier to see him than I actually sounded. After all, it's not every day you get to meet your dead ex-partner. “I was under the impression you couldn't show yourself to us mere mortals unless it dealt with the fate-of-the-world stuff. In a tux, no less. Didn't even know you had one.”

The green stallion in the mirror casually leaned on the sink like it was a bar, and smiled softly at me. He was wearing an outfit much like mine, before the recent infusion of Zebra-inspired cuisine. Maybe it was his charming smile or the effects of looking however you wanted after you died, but he did pull the bow tie off better.

“What can I say? It's a special night and I don’t get many chances to dress up and mean it. I kinda still owe you a picnic basket of beer in the middle of the woods don't I?”

I grunted at the moment a very specific memory came from deep within. The presence in my chest felt heavier than usual. “Ha ha. Very funny. So, what's it this time, Juni? Don't tell me somepony important is going to get murdered tonight. Oh, wait, does it have to do with the Warden? Minor supervillain gonna break out of Tartarus?”

“What, I can't make a social call for the less-than world shaking events? Sometimes I wonder why I go through so much trouble for your ugly mug…”

“Must be my pretty eyes.” Constant rubbing had turned mine red, and with the eye bags I'd hardly call it pretty at all.

“Why not?” The stallion in the mirror shrugged, chuckling. “It’s definitely not going to be your bedside manner that keeps me coming back.”

A chuckle of my own managed to escape my lips. It funny because was true, my personality did tend to rub some ponies the wrong way...not that I'd have it any other way.

“So.”

“So…?”

I waved my hooves around to prompt him along, but all I got was a raised eyebrow.

“Juni, why are you here?”

“Hey, no need to be rude.” He gave me a half smile, amused that I still didn’t believe him. “I meant what I said. No doomsday stuff this time. I was in the neighbourhood and figured now would’ve been the best time to step in.”

I was busy washing out my eyes for the tenth time in a row when he said it. The implication nearly made me need an eyepatch. “You knew this would happen?!”

“Knew it might happen.” Juniper held his hooves up placatingly. “I’ve still got no way of knowing anything for sure until it does, remember? And you do a very good job of defying probability.”

“I'm sure you’ve noticed that Scarlet pony. He's been acting...differently tonight, hasn't he?”

“Well, yeah,” People watching is a hobby you get on the job, whether you like it or not. “I've noticed. But I figured it was because of the Warden, because he usually doesn’t care if he has an audience. Kinda like you, actually.”

“You flatter me, Hardy.” Juniper smirks, before turning serious. “The colt likes you, you know.”

“I’ve noticed…” Grumbling, pushed myself up higher against the sink. “so, what, he some sorta sleeper agent for the Family, or something?”

“Damnit, Hardy, I’m not here because ponies’ lives are on the line, I’m here because of you!”

“For what?! To tell me the pony with eyes on my flank since the day I met him still does? Romance? The last date I had was so long ago I can’t even remember the mare’s name! How would you know about any of that Juni, you died!”

The flush of a toilet and crack of an unlocking stall broke my attention. Behind the door another stallion, some other diner, peeked out. A glare from me sent him and his moustache running out trailing toilet paper without even washing his hooves. Probably to tell somepony about the crazy stallion shouting at himself in the bathrooms.

When I looked back, Juniper was glancing at the door.

“Exactly. I died.” He sighs. “Look, it doesn’t take an expert to know you’ve got relationship issues, and not even the romantic kind. Other than Sweet Shine I’m the only one who knows your head inside and out.”

“Yeah? Get in line.” I clicked my tongue. “Didn’t we already have this talk? Something about me trusting Swift?”

“And you’ve made such great progress. Now let's move on, shall we?” Juniper’s thin frown disappeared. “My death messed you up bad.”

I’d opened my mouth, but the stallion pressed his hoof against the mirror. “No, let me finish.” I could see it squish, and the foggy print it left behind before fading away. “My death messed you up bad. And all the problems from that are gonna stay with you, forever, probably. The memories will never fade, because you don’t want any part of me to fade either.”

“So that’s what this is about? ‘Let go of the past, look to the future’? Sounds like a line from Taxi’s book of Zebra idioms.”

“Pfft, hardly. Idioms don’t work on you anyways.” Juniper snorted. “This is about your issues. Let’s talk about Scarlet Petals, he’s the most openly interested in you. Have you noticed that he’s not actively trying to jump on you anymore? But you shut him down all the same with your grumpy self, making excuses because you’re the ‘married to the job’ type. You’re hurt, Hardy. We both know that. But talking to someone you haven’t nearly gotten killed is the only way out that won’t land you in the loony bin with only Sweets, Swift, and Limerence for company.”

“I’ve talked to other ponies! What about Lily Blue?”

“Hardy, I said ponies you haven’t nearly gotten killed. Besides, didn’t she tell you the same thing?”

I rolled my eyes and mumbled something about things Juniper nearly got killed.

He took that as a sign to continue. The stallion opened his mouth to speak, but interrupted himself, taking a second to reconsider. He spoke again, a sad look in his eyes.

“Hardy, if it were me asking you out to a place like this, on a date, would you have said yes?”

I laughed. It was a small, sad laugh. My eyes became damp, but if those were from leftover spice that still remained or genuine sorrow I didn’t know. “What does that have to do with anything?” Juniper paused.

“Nevermind.” The ghost sadly shook his head. “Point is: you need to open up. You’ve got people that care all around you, even if you don’t see it. Not just Swift and Taxi either, Scarlet is just the pony who’s most open about it. Those like him are what’ll keep your mind in one piece. Who knows, maybe they’ll make you happier as well.”

“Do I have to kiss him, too?”

“Do whatever you want.” He shrugged. “Marry him, even. I know for sure he’s not the only option. How about that Lily Blue? Seems like a nice girl, if you don’t mind a really, really quiet life cherry farming. Or what about Don Tome’s kid? Little young, heir to a criminal empire, but it looks like he’d make a perfect househusband. He probably knows how to bake cookies too.”

“Gee, thanks, Juni. Didn’t know my mother kept in touch with you.”

“Oh, Miss Dovetail would have some words with you if she could, believe you me.” He grinned. “Way I recall it, some of my last words were ‘We ain’t done, you and me. Not by a long shot.’ and I plan on keeping those true.”

Juniper tapped the mirror, his hoof lingering. My own hoof reached out, but felt only silvered glass. “So all I gotta do is...be nice?”

“And take a mint.” He waved his hoof around his nose. “I remember how bad your breath smells.”

“Heh...thanks, Juni.”

“Anytime, partner.” The stallion tipped his hat and gave me a wink with one of those charming smiles. “Don’t be so much of a workaholic, it’s no way to live what’s left of your life. I’ll see you around, Hardy.”

A quartet of knocks came from the bathroom door, followed by Swift’s voice coming muffled through it. “You okay in there, Sir? You’ve been in there for a while now.”

“Coming, kid!” I yelled back, only now noticing I’ve left the tap running. Ah well, it’s not going to be on my water bill anyways. I looked in the mirror again but Juniper took that cue to leave. My reflection looked a far cry from the dapper image I came into the building with. My eyes were still bloodshot from the spice and rubbing, making my eye bags stand out even more. My collar was left open, a huge wet stain that was still orange at the sides covered the front of my shirt. I opened the bathroom door to find Swift at attention beside it, like an old Royal Guard on duty.

“You could’ve just poked your head in, kid.” I tried to ruffle her mane, and nearly cut myself on the spikes. “There was nopony else but me in there.”

“But it’s the stallion’s bathroom, Sir!” My partner declared in a singsong voice. “I can’t go in there, they pee standing up.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ve heard it all before.” I patted her on the shoulder. “Come on, we should get back to...who’s that?”

A mare I’d never seen before was there, looking rather angry and most likely rather drunk, judging by the lack of screaming and running away from the warden. But there was one thing about her that gave me a bad feeling as we got closer.

My butt itched.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Lim, can you bake cookies?”

The unicorn paused in his examination of the small trophy, a pair of vaguely pony shaped figures mid-dance, and set it down. After experiencing the effects of the wine personally, he since decided to stick to water for the remainder of the night, lest she drag him along for any more physical activities. He shot Taxi a confused look, squinting. “I recall attempting to make Father’s favourite recipe some years ago, and they turned out decently. Why?”

Taxi’s mouth twisted into a barely held back smile and immediately began to whistle, scratching the back of her head. Her mane was now back in its previous style, her usual braid tied up in a bun. “Oh, no reason…”

“This is about what you saw with the Ladybugs, isn’t it?” Limerence folded his hooves, tapping them expectantly. But this only caused Taxi to smile wider.

“It’s nothing important, Limmy. No need to be so...motherly.” She put a hoof to her mouth and giggled. “Say, isn’t it your turn now?”

“Miss Shine, what did you see?”

“Oh, look! Hardy’s out of the toilets now!” Taxi’s hoof tracked the stallion across the room. “And it looks like he’s...having an argument with some drunk diner?”

Limerence turned around for just a second, then immediately turned back to face her. “You’re right, I should go check in on that.” He leaned back and closed his eyes, looking very much the librarian who fell asleep in his chair.

“Wai-” Taxi looked back and forth between her companion and the table in the corner. A mixture of surprise and competition overtook her features.

“Oh, two can play at that game.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sounds became clearer as we approached. The mare - whoever she was - was in a rather one sided conversation with Scarlet. And Swift and I came in just after it started. Just my luck.

“Ah! Scarlet! Is this the pony that brought you here? A stallion.” A pair of hazy brown eyes looked me over. The mare's voice was crusted with a faux Trottingham accent, which came slightly slurred through whatever she'd drunk. “Didn’t think you'd be the type. But I suppose I should’ve expected that, considering your outfit!” She cackled madly at her own joke. “Gotta say, mista, they tend to leave those dressing like you outside. Nice cut of meat you are, though. You his colleague?”

And ten seconds in I disliked the pony already. It was one of those types, the kind loud enough to draw stares and an upward inflection big enough to launch an airship off. I brushed off the comments with a disgruntled whicker and turned to Scarlet.

“Who's this...lady?” I cocked my head.

“Just an ex-client, Detective…nothing to worry about.” The stallion gave me an exaggerated smile that meant he was screaming inside.

“Detective? I wasn't aware Detrot PD frequented this establishment!” The mare took my hoof and shook it like I was Iris Jade herself. “Pinot Rosé, it’s Prench dear, unique. Anyway, heck, I didn't even know it was in your budget to have enough of a salary for a place like this! Must’ve cost quite a few paychecks, eh?” She elbowed me in the ribs and gestured towards Scarlet. “And to hire one of the Vivarium’s finest too!”

“I-I’m not here on a job!” Scarlet’s indignation was the loudest I’d heard from him all night. “I’m not being paid for anything! Don’t you have somewhere else to be? You’re making a scene.”

“I believe Scarlet has a point here, Hard Boiled. This mare may need some ‘convincing’.” The Warden chimed in. I did my best to keep a straight face, which was failing by the second.

“Eh? Why would I do that? I just thought I’d come over and see how the best whore this side of Equestria is doing!” She leaned aside and whispered not-so-softly in my ear. “Hey, word of advice, mister Lard Foil. I’d suggest you take your chips and cash out early, know what I mean? Go somewhere nice for him to buck your brains out, it’ll be worth it, but don’t stay the morning after. Ponies like him ain’t much good for anything else.”

My partner and I looked at the pony in question. Scarlet was hit hard by the words. His face creased, lips began to quiver, eyes wide enough for me to see them glisten in the candlelight. His breath halted, and I heard a single whine.

“What did you say about my best friend, you-” Swift decided she had enough at the same time I did. She managed to take a step forward and nearly took a chunk off the mare’s leg.

“Hey! Watch it, you midget! This dress is worth more than your dental fees!” She reacted with no small amount of hostility.

“Swift, let me handle this.” I walked up to the mare, putting on the widest smile I could muster, and patted a hoof on her shoulder like an old friend. “Miss? You need to leave.”

“Ex-”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“...did she just say that?” Taxi and Limerence quickly found the Ladybugs to be unnecessary for viewing the current spectacle, instead they opted to move their chairs closer to get a better view. The mare’s voice was loud enough to hear for the both of them.

“Where did this mare come from anyway?” Limerence wondered aloud. “Considering how distressed he is, I would have thought Mr Petals would have objected to this venue.”

“Who cares? She’s here now.” Taxi’s ears pinned back once she spotted Scarlet's expression, a pang of sympathy ran through her. “Wow, I’m starting to feel pretty bad for Scarlet. He must really not want that lady there.”

“Regardless, I believe the Detective is about to grant that wish.” Limerence paused, considering the drunk mare's words. “Pardon my frankness, Taxi, but do those insults seem rather…?”

“Shitty? Weeelll…” The mare nodded. “...yes. Definitely. I didn't want to say anything I earlier because...well, did she get all her lines from a joke book?”

“I was just going to say 'tame’.”

“Come on, Limmy, be honest. We've both probably had worse insults as foals than what Scarlet’s getting now. And to be fair, it is kinda his job to have sex with people for money.”

“I believe the insinuations about his job are not what's causing him such distress.” The unicorn leaned over. “He seemed to handle things rather well before -”

A loud crash of shattering glass jerked their beads back to the scene. As did every other table in the area. When they looked back they saw Hardy standing before a shattered window. In the stunned silence that followed, whispers could be heard from their direction over the restaurant’s music as they glanced around.

Taxi let out a low whistle. “Go Hardy…”

Their exist was hasty. The Warden stepped out first through the same window, followed by Swift guiding Scarlet around the broken glass, then Hardy, who paused long enough to grab the bucket of wines still standing by.

Taxi turned to her dinner buddy, giving him a look that clearly said 'what are you waiting for?’

Limerence could only sigh once again. He downed the rest of his glass in one gulp. “...I suppose we won't be staying for dessert then?”

Taxi waved a hoof at the empty bottles of sherry, mostly on her side of the table. “Do you want to find out how much tweleve bottles of imported magical wine costs?”

“Point taken.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After what happened back at the Royale we figured that the best course of action was to get as far away as possible. How we weren't kicked out after the fire is a mystery I'm just fine with leaving unsolved. Perhaps Taxi was right, the biggest place in Uptown just doesn't care for a pony who's not the celebrity of the week, or they were so eager to get back to their normal lives anything else was erased from their minds. Either way, I didn't want to chance it after that last stunt. The Warden is a very conspicuous mare, disguise or no, and naming the Vivarium out loud is going to get some ponies talking. They always do.

Which is why I found myself on a rooftop of a residential block not too far from the scene of the 'crime’. Swift scouted out an empty roof we could lie low on, reasoning that a restaurant wouldn't send out fliers against unruly diners, and after finding no sign of us they'll assume we just moved on. And I was inclined to believe her. After being hunted down by PACT super-soldiers few things could top that experience. At least I managed to snag the bucket of wine with me. Too bad I didn't have the time to order something more to my taste. If I still had the bow tie this would have been the perfect time to trash it. On the bright side it gave us plenty of time to actually try and get drunk.

“I never quite imagined I might have a potential misdemeanor on my criminal record, Hard Boiled.” I'd liked to believe I spent enough time around the Warden to know when she was amused. Her natural illumination gave some extra light to the green of the maintenance exit we were huddled against. The assortment of wines seemed to go right through her. If anything, it may as well be more fuel for her fire. “Or a criminal record at all. Who would imprison the warden? Not a question I've asked myself since I took up the position.”

“Simple! You get a-another warden to do it!” My partner may have had the digestive system of a bear but she was still a literal lightweight. No magic-ing away some facts of biology, I guess. “N-not that I'd k-know anything about that…” Her hiccup at the end gave me ideas of what could happen if she tried Yakyakistsn honey mead. I made a note to ask Taxi if she could acquire some.

“No you don't, kid, no you don't.” I'd swigged out the last gulp of a bottle of a griffon red, the end of my first full bottle of the session. Truth be told, I couldn't tell the difference between some snooty wine brewed from grapes hoof pressed by virgin blankflanks any more from unripe vinegar. If it gets me going all the same, I'd rather go for the one that's easier on my wallet. “Is Scarlet still watching the streets?” It was more of a courtesy at that point, since he clearly hadn't moved. He insisted on some time alone.

“He hasn't moved since we started drinking, Mr Boiled.” The Warden sat at ease, calm even after all that happened. She's very likely went through much worse. “If I may, detective…?”

I replied to her question with a tilt of my head and a shrug of my wine hoof.

“Tonight has made me realize a few things. Among them a little bit of the nature of functional immortality. We both won’t be dying by causes any doctor, not even Slip Stitch, would deem ‘natural’.”

“...what?” I’d noticed that the sky was ever-so-slightly beginning to brighten. Sunrise would come eventually. “I don’t really follow. I always knew that I’d meet my end on the job, one way or another. Technically, I already did. Many times. And don’t you have that dragon thing that’ll keep you going long after I’ve turned into a skeleton?”

“We can both still be killed, I’m well aware. It would just be much harder for me.” Her raspy voice actually seemed to sound better after a few dozen glasses worth. “But have you ever stopped to consider if you didn’t throw yourself into mortal danger every other day? I have. Hard Boiled, your transplant heart has kept you in peak physical condition ever since you received it, even more than you previously were. It would be reasonable to assume that with constant electrical energy, you would never actually age.”

“I’m already busy enough worrying about causes of death other than old age. What are you getting at, Warden? Aren’t you in the same boat?”

“My fire, though vast, is still finite. I still have more than enough time than I could imagine, but you might actually have the advantage over me in that field.” She glanced at Swift who had grown bored of the conversation and was beginning to ‘hunt birdies’. “Once-dead like us then come to view the average mortal as beneath usual notice. I've had over three decades to myself, the thought has crossed my mind before, as it will yours.”

“Little too late to the philosophy party, Warden.” I put my empty bottle down in the growing pile. Already I could feel the beginnings of a hangover in the back of my head. “Smart ponies have been talking about what being immortal I'd like ever since...ever since they noticed the Princesses were.”

“True, but experience is an excellent teacher. Ms Cuddles is not a pony you get every lifetime.” She nodded in the direction of Scarlet. “And with all the time in the world, every pony becomes much more unique.”

“You'll need to talk to him eventually.” My own voice was sometimes a bigger nag than my mother ever was. I sighed, knowing it was right. While making my way over I took the last bottle from the ice bucket, a champagne. Popping the cork off was quite hard with just my teeth, and I nearly shot myself with cork in the process, but a lot of liquid courage always helped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scarlet was sitting near the edge of the roof staring out to the Uptown skyline. Any other pony that close and I'd be worried about jumping. As it was, I sat down far enough away that looking down didn't mean seeing stories of empty air below your hooves.

“So.” I greeted him by passing over the bottle.

“So…?” Scarlet accepted the bottle and drank from it like an expert.

“You wanna talk about what happened, back there?”

“You mean with Rose?” He passed the bottle back to me and I took a swig. The champagne was slightly colder than tap water. “An ex-client, like I said. Nothing to worry about.”

“Don't give me that crap. You were doing fine before I arrived, but I step in and suddenly the waterworks starts? You've been different all night, even before the dance.”

Scarlet smiled sadly, an expression I was all too familiar with. He let out a half-sobbed laugh, the kind a pony had just before they get emotional. “It's silly.” He said.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” The stallion looked right into my eyes, his once meticulously cared for mane now dishevelled and sticking out in strands. Mascara slightly running, lipstick rubbed off and looking every bit stressed out.

“I never was like other colts in school,” He began. “didn’t like sports, spent most of my time in Auntie Stella’s wardrobe. Swift was the one for adventure and heroics.”

“Yeah, Swift told me something like that.” I nodded, urging him along. I took a small sip before hoofing over the rest, he’d need it more than I did. “Something about a colt named Target Practice?”

“Mhmm.” he nodded, downing a mouthful of drink. “‘Nopony would love a colt who’s such a filly.’ He wasn’t the only one. And wasn’t always just a foalhood taunt either.” One more swig of champagne. “I know it’s not true, I’ve got the entire Vivarium proving him wrong...but of course they do, they’re my family.”

“Swift has been like a sister to me since forever. And for a really short while I’d wondered…” Scarlet chuckled to himself. “nevermind. I never had anything...real, outside of ‘family’. Clients were clients, friends just stayed friends, nothing more.”

He put his hoof next to mine, leaned against my shoulder and looked up at me with soulful eyes. “Detective...Hardy. I know you don’t care that much for me, but when you told me about this ‘date’, I was overjoyed. I’d thought that if I could come out tonight and still enjoy myself - if we could enjoy ourselves - then maybe…”

Scarlet’s lip pouted once again, and be looked away. His eyes brimming with the emotion of a lifetime’s worth of worry and insecurity. “Then…m-maybe…” He struggled.

I heard enough. And through a combination of all the wine I’d been drinking and all the talking that happened and the feelings literally from the bottom of my heart, I knew exactly what to do. Placing a hoof to lift up his chin, I looked into his eyes and delivered my next lines with all the sincerity I could muster.

“Scarlet Petals, when you arrived outside the Royale tonight you were beautiful. I thought you were a mare going somewhere fancy with how you dressed. You offered to pay for all our meals in one of the most expensive restaurants in the entire city out of your own bits. You were patient enough to teach me how to waltz, and I began to enjoy it. The thought of putting yourself out like this with another pony just for money is horrific to you, and that's a good thing. You've been nothing but a perfect gentlepony tonight. If a pony can't love you because you're a stallion who's such a filly, then they're-”

Scarlet wrapped his fee hoof around the back of my head and pulled. Our lips met in a kiss, and as he began to work on I found myself closing my eyes and allowing it. For these few moments it didn't matter that I was trading spit with another stallion.

He was an experienced kisser, lips as soft on mine as velvet, strong enough to keep pace with anyone. Occasionally I felt his teeth brush against mine, soft groans vibrated through to my mouth as even my hooves began to wander. I could breathe the scent of champagne and feel Scarlet's tongue lashing behind his mouth, eager to take a dive down mine. But he held himself back.

When it ended I was riding down from a high of emotion I'd long decided would never happen again. Scarlet himself flushed red as his namesake, a fire lit behind his eyes.

“Marry me, Hardy.” He squeaked breathlessly.

“Don't push your luck, Scarlet.” But it seems we had an audience.

“USE YOUR TONGUE, HARDY.”

“Miss Shine, I think they can hear you now.”

“Woo! Go Scar! Hey, Limmy, where'd you get that dance trophy from?”

“Long story, don't ask.”

[End]

Author's Note

This whole thing was written as a single document over...just about a month. I didn't really have chapters in mind as I wrote this, but I'm sure I can find a way to split it up if there's support for it.

I was actually quite worried writing something using characters and settings based of another's work. Other than keeping everyone in-character, some just haven't had that much development for me to immediately know what "in-character" even is for them. And, for me, thinking up a whole personality on the fly is much harder.

There's been some collaboration with Chessie for general story points, and I've tried to include the original ideas as much as I can, but almost all of this was written unassisted. So feedback would be very much appreciated. Hope it's not too bad for an entire piece written from a loose piece of dialogue.

Formatting's kinda weird when pasting in, isn't it?