As ever, the tale I weave here is wrought from threads spun by Hasbro and Games Workshop, and I own them not. As a matter of temporal clarification, the main body of our tale takes place between Seasons Six and Seven of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and around the time in which the canon of Warhammer 40k would have had the great Triumph of Ullanor.

As the Emperor of Mankind left the chamber, the member of the Adeptus Custodes he had set to guard the door and assist the new arrivals spoke up. “Um, my Lord, a moment, please?”

“Very well.”

“Why, exactly, was I given this task? I understand that these ‘foreign dignitaries’ will need protection, but… why me?”

The Emperor smiled. “Because you are the perfect choice. You are proven in battle, more than competent as a bodyguard, skilled and devoted enough to stand between your charges and Angron in a bad mood, and… Well, even I can’t think of a way to phrase this politely. You are, for all your skill, still endearingly awkward. It is more important than you know that they have someone as human as you to interact with.”

“I’m… well, thank you, my Lord.”

Each of the Primarchs had been advised to choose an Equerry to accompany them. A few had been heavily advised by their father to bring a specific person with them, such as Alpharius with his twin Omegon. The Lion had been explicitly ordered to stop by Caliban to bring Luther with him. Most of them had been given relatively free rein, however. After speaking to his guests, the Emperor spoke with them to work out the reasons behind their choices.

Vulkan, Perturabo, and Ferrus Manus had all chosen their most accomplished artisans. Forgemaster T’Kell, Warsmith Barban Falk, and Iron Father Ares Voitek, respectively. “We hardly need bodyguards, so I brought someone representative of my hopes for my Legion”, Vulkan had said. The Emperor was rather amused when Manus, and even Perturabo gave almost identical answers.

Sanguinius and Corax had both brought their chief bodyguards. Sanguinius smiled and explained that Azkaellon had been with him through the worst fighting and never faltered, and as the leader of the Sanguinary Guard, he was also well suited to more diplomatic endeavours. Corax was rather more laconic, merely stating that Gherith Arendi, Captain of the Shadow Wardens, could keep up with him.

Leman Russ shrugged and told his father that Bjorn the Fell-Handed’s wyrd would lead him to greatness, and that this might give him some perspective.

Jaghatai Khan laughed. “You have to ask why I bring my most trusted advisor? Targutai Yesugei knows me better than you do, father. And I have to admit, Mortarion’s reaction was amusing.”

Mortarion, on the other hand, made a bold and somewhat bitter choice. Unable to bring his full Deathshroud bodyguard, he settled on someone he considered expendable, Vitas Phorgal, a member of the Moritat, a group of jump-pack wearing gunslingers who fought individually, with a suicidal recklessness. “This entire endeavour is useless, father,” he said, putting a considerable amount of scorn into his voice. “I brought the Moritat to make a statement. I trust you can read it.”

Mortarion didn’t entirely despise the Emperor, but his father’s intervention against the Warlord of Barbarus had rankled, even if Celestia’s advice had led him to give Mortarion the ability to kill the creature himself instead of stealing his son’s kill. The Emperor made a mental note that Mortarion was to be moved up on the list of his sons with issues that needed to be worked on.

Fulgrim had chosen Julius Kaesoron, Captain of the First Company of his Legion. “Father, Kaesoron is loyal, skilled, and both more interesting and far less annoying than Eidolon. Granted, that’s not very difficult, but he’s quite well-read and we discussed literature and poetry on the way here.”

Guilliman went into such detail about the logistics of why he had chosen Phratus Auguston that the Emperor almost tuned out, at least until he said. “And aside from that, Marius Gage is a bit too pompous for this gathering. While he’s competent, I know my brothers think me somewhat full of myself… Bringing along someone who truly is wouldn’t be helpful.”

Angron literally snarled, before forcing some composure on himself for his father’s sake. “Khârn was one of the first of my Legion to reach out to me, and he’s certainly worked the hardest at it. It would feel wrong to bring anyone else.”

Magnus told his father that out of his entire Legion, he couldn’t think of anyone better to bring than Azhek Ahriman, and that Arhiman’s recent outreach to Othere Wyrdmake of the Vlka Fenrika had shown him that the man was fairly good at interacting with those outside the Thousand Sons. And that Mortarion’s reaction had been amusing. The Emperor was equal parts amused and concerned that both the Khan and Magnus had independently decided to troll their psyker-hating brother.

Rogal Dorn had brought First Captain Sigismund, and told his father, “He is my right hand. I trust him like no other in my Legion.”

Konrad Curze had smirked when the Emperor asked him to explain his reasoning for bringing the First Captain of the Atramentar, his bodyguard. “Because I can’t see any paths before me that don’t involve fighting, and I trust Sevatar in a fight. Your insane idea to try to get us to accept each other might even work, but there will be blood along the way, father.”

The Emperor nodded in response, “I know. There are too many forces loath to the idea of my sons being a united family.”

Horus, when asked, actually laughed a deep, booming laugh. “Father, this may sound a bit odd, but I had the Mournival draw straws and Loken happened to win. Honestly, I’m somewhat glad he did. He and Torgaddon have friends in the other legions, and Aximand could adapt, but I shudder to think how Abaddon would deal with all this.”

The Emperor had gone around to Jonson and Alpharius to talk to them, to allay suspicion in his other sons as to their particular choices, but both knew full well why they brought who they did, and asking would have been rather disingenuous. Jonson still brought it up. “You think that my friendship with Luther has been damaged by sending him to defend Caliban, don’t you? Honestly, it may have, but I trust him enough to command the defences of our homeworld.”

And that left Lorgar. “Father, I know you may be wondering at my choice, and honestly, I would love to have been able to bring someone personable like Argel Tal, but after our talk at Monarchia, Erebus and Kor Phaeron reacted… oddly. It was like they were deeply disappointed, even hurt that things turned out the way they did. I looked through the old Colchisian faith and I was somewhat disturbed by the similarities between it and what you described of the Ruinous Powers. I no longer trust either of them, and leaving them both in charge of the Word Bearers would have been horrendously ill-advised. So, I brought Erebus, and gave Argel Tal and a few trusted others orders to keep an eye on my foster father. Hopefully this gathering will bring out the best in my First Chaplain.”

The chamber that Twilight and company had arrived in was surprisingly well-appointed, now that they had a chance to look over it. The cogitator terminals were in recessed alcoves along one wall, and each had a comfortable chair. There were several large couches in the center of the room, facing a large screen, each with a table in front of it. A hallway leading further into the station led to eight bedchambers, each with its own restroom.

Twilight had, of course, gotten the hang of using the cogitators first. If anything, they were simpler than computers at Canterlot High. She showed the others how to use them, and aside from information on the Primarchs, they held vast amounts of data on Terran history from archaeological speculation on events millennia before the Emperor publicly revealed himself (and unique to the database on this station, annotations by the Emperor and Malcador, mostly correcting wildly-inaccurate theories on events they’d actually been present for) to space colonization to fragmentary histories of the Dark Age of Technology and Old Night. They also included unexpected topics like cooking, art, fashion, agriculture, and popular entertainment. Being familiar with similar systems that had infested the internet of the early third millennium on Earth, Malcador had made sure the documents were interlinked and that following such links opened the relevant information in a new tab.

Twilight immersed herself in reading history and soon had dozens of tabs open on hers and Starlight was doing much the same, while the others focused on things that interested them.

“Oh, Fluttershy, darling, it looks like humans developed the same art style as those stylized graphic novels you read, the one your ‘unexpected guests’ from last Nightmare Night were drawn in. And they have comic books like yours, Spikey Wikey.” Rarity, unsurprisingly, had gravitated toward art and fashion, and had almost as many tabs open as Twilight.

“Hey, they have karate here too!” Rainbow Dash had found martial arts, and stood up to stretch and try out some moves. “Wow, this is weird. The moves are exactly the same, but they’re easier to do as a human.”

“Ew! I know Princess Celestia warned us about humans eating meat, but there are so many recipes for cooking it… EVEN IN DESSERTS!” Pinkie exclaimed, half-fascinated and half-horrified by the revelation of candied bacon. The others realized with a sense of not-quite-dread that she was going to end up in the kitchens at some point, and would probably put enough sweet stuff on the table for even the Primarchs to get a sugar high.

Fluttershy was cooing over an article on the large, ill-tempered reptilian Grox that were used on a number of Imperial worlds as food sources and beasts of burden. Oddly enough, out of all the ponies present, she had the least problem with humans eating meat. After all, she looked after carnivorous animals as well as herbivores.

Applejack had looked over agriculture techniques, made a mental note of a few that could help Sweet Apple Acres (including one vindicating Fluttershy’s acceptance of the vampire fruit bats), and had begun looking into the files on the Primarchs themselves. Apparently Leman Russ was fond of a drink that made the somewhat-terrifying Zap Apple Sheep Liniment that Granny Smith used to help her joints, and which could be safely consumed in very small doses, look like fresh apple juice.

Spike had looked over the files on the Primarchs enough to get a basic understanding, and being a bit bored, wandered just outside the room to talk with the Custodes at the door.

“Hi! I’m Spike. Sorry if I’m bothering you, but I’d kinda like to start getting to know everypo--err, everybody.”

Slightly taken aback and more than a bit amused, the very tall modified human in his very impressive armor looked down at the green-haired teenager, making note of the slip of the tongue… just who *were* these ‘foreign dignitaries’ he was guarding? “Hello. I’m Andronicus. My Lord Emperor has given me the task of guarding you and your friends while you’re here. Some of His sons can be a bit… less than personable, so I think you should stay around here until He formally introduces everyone. But, we can talk if you’d like. This is one of the more secure locations in the Imperium right now… I’d pity anything that tried picking a fight against all eighteen of the Primarchs, let alone my Lord Emperor.”

Spike smiled up at him. “Nice to meet you, Andy. We’ve got those cool cogitator-things and it looks like the Emperor and Malcador wrote the articles on the Primarchs, but… well, what are they like as people?”

Andronicus shook his head ruefully, and though Spike couldn’t tell, he was smiling under his helmet. ‘Andy’ was certainly a far better nickname than some he’d picked up from his brothers in the Custodes. “I have only interacted with a few of them before my assignment here, so I don’t know much more than what you could learn from the cogitators, but I’ll do my best.”

They chatted for almost an hour before Twilight realized that Spike was missing and ran out the door. “Oh, there you are. Is everything okay?”

“Yep, I was just chatting with Andy about the Emperor’s sons.”

“Andy?”

“My name is Andronicus, but it’s not a bad nickname… I’ve certainly been called worse, even by those I consider friends.”

They spoke for a bit longer before Twilight and Spike returned to their chambers. Unseen by all, Corvus Corax smiled. If the young one was any indication, his father’s plans to forge bonds of friendship between his brothers might just work.

Author's Note

And now, we know who was chosen, and the ostensible reasons for it. And oh, yes, Erebus is NOT happy. Instead of another omake, this time, you get the Dramatis Personae of our tale.

The Emperor of Mankind - (Mostly) Immortal ruler of Terra, father of the Primarchs, most powerful psyker in human history, huge science geek, massive badass. Has an astoundingly large collection of aliases he’s tried on over the years. Pen-pals with Princess Celestia.

Malcador - Also (Mostly) Immortal. Emperor’s best friend and confidant for millennia, Badass Bureaucrat par excellance, powerful psyker, surprisingly snarky. Has a very long, very interesting resume.

Andronicus - Adeptus Custodes. Socially-awkward badass. In another timeline turned quite hilariously widdershins from canon, he ends up the Emperor’s sole caretaker and last sane member of the Custodes, with a rather embarrassing nickname.

Lion el’Jonson - I Legion Primarch - Grew up alone in the hideously deadly forests of Caliban. Too stoic and secretive for his own good, but otherwise fairly decent.

Luther - Jonson’s recently-estranged best friend and vaguely-father-ish figure. Resents having been sent back to defend Caliban without being told why.

Fulgrim - III Legion Primarch - White-Haired Pretty Boy who in canon rivals Sephiroth for the reigning champion of the dark side of that trope. Obsessed with perfection and hates the fact that he isn’t as good at art as he wants to be. Surprisingly good blacksmith.

Julius Kaesoron - First Captain of the III Legion. Leader of the Phoenix Guard. Avid reader and definite Warrior-Poet.

Perturabo - IV Legion Primarch - Brilliant civil engineer who resents having to destroy instead of build, no matter how terrifyingly good he is at it. Not as ignored as in canon, but still not that well-regarded by his brothers.

Barban Falk - Warsmith of the IV Legion. One of Perturabo’s best smiths and siegemasters.

Jaghatai Khan - V Legion Primarch - United his homeworld Chogoris through cunning hit-and-run tactics. Feels a need, a need for speed. Basically Genghis Khan IN SPACE with a bit of Sun Tzu thrown in. Pretty reasonable guy, but his brothers tend to have a hard time reading him. Friends with Magnus, Vitriolic Best Buds with Mortarion.

Targutai Yesugei - Librarian of the V Legion. Badass psyker trained in Chogoris’s shamanic traditions. Jaghatai Khan’s friend and most trusted advisor.

Leman Russ - VI Legion Primarch - Literally raised by wolves. Challenged his dad to a drinking contest when he first met him, then an eating contest, then laughed his ass off and swore himself to the Emperor after getting bitch-slapped with a certain taloned power fist. Boisterous Bruiser who’s far smarter than he lets on.

Bjorn the Fell-Handed - Destined for greatness. Kinda surly. Shot down and then rescued a remembrancer who wanted to record the Vlka Fenryka’s achievements for posterity. REALLY hates the idea of ending up in a Dreadnought.

Rogal Dorn - VII Legion Primarch - Brutal Honesty personified, with about as much tact as a cactus. Brilliant siegemaster and engineer. Has managed to piss off Perturabo and Curze already.

Sigismund - Dorn’s Right Arm. As much of a blunt realist as his Primarch. Great swordsman. Friends with Khârn.

Konrad Curze - VIII Legion Primarch - Grew up alone on the crime-ridden world of Nostromo and taught himself right from wrong. Didn’t exactly do a great job there. A seer who tends to interpret his visions in the most cynical and pessimistic ways. Not entirely sane, and is the illogical extreme of Frank Miller’s version of Batman.

Jago “Sevatar” Sevatarion - Captain of the Atramentar, Curze’s bodyguard. Snarky, badass, terrifying… Like his Primarch, actually. In canon, the first to scream “DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR”.

Sanguinius - IX Legion Primarch - Charismatic, angelic (right down to the wings), genuinely good person who cares about the people of the Imperium and is one of the most beloved of the Primarchs because of it. A seer who does a far better job of interpreting his visions than Curze does. Controls his occasionally-literal bloodlust extremely well.

Azkaellon - Captain of the Sanguinary Guard. Terrifying in combat. Rule-bound enough to make you think he was a member of the XIII Legion. Frighteningly loyal to Sanguinius. Not as diplomatic as Sanguinius told his father he was.

Ferrus Manus - X Legion Primarch - Great with technology and a blacksmith close to Vulkan’s level. Not so great with people. Best friends with Fulgrim, of all people. Has nifty living-metal hands thanks to forcibly making sure a ‘dragon’ made of the substance went the way of the T-1000.

Ares Voitek - Iron Father of the X Legion. Recruited into the Legion when Ferrus Manus decided to assimilate the techies who maintained the relics from the Dark Age of Technology on Medusa. A stern combination of preacher and technician who disdains weakness.

Angron - XII Legion Primarch - Former gladiator from Nuceria. Staggering anger management issues thanks to the archaeotech ‘nails’ that were literally hammered into his brain that so far can’t be removed. Has a softer side somewhere in there.

Khârn - Angron’s voice of reason, and the only Marine brought onboard who had actually served as an Equerry to his Primarch before the Emperor’s summons. Friends with Sigismund and Garviel Loken. All around, a great guy.

Roboute Guilliman - XIII Legion Primarch - Raised on the world of Macragge in the realm of Ultramar by a warrior-king named Konor, who actually treated him well, and Konor’s Seneschal, Tarasha Euten, who is basically Guilliman’s ridiculously badass foster mother. Between the two of them, they managed to raise him to be one of the most well-adjusted of the Primarchs. Treats those below him with great respect, and isn’t afraid to question his father, but has a bad habit of phrasing advice to the only people equal to him, his brothers, badly enough to piss them off.

Phratus Auguston - First Captain of the XIII Legion. High enough in the Legion’s hierarchy to be a good pick politically and logistically speaking, and far more personable and down to earth than his immediate superior.

Mortarion - XIV Legion Primarch - Surly asshole. Raised as a weapon by an alien warlord on the toxic hellhole of Barbarus and ended up defending the humans he was meant to conquer. Resents his father for helping him kill said warlord, though not nearly as much as his canon version hates the Emperor for kill-stealing in the same situation. Hates psykers thanks to his past experiences.

Vitas Phorgal - Moritat of the XIV Legion. Slightly-crazy gunslinger from a specialization known for fighting with suicidal recklessness. Specifically chosen as an insult. Not that bad a person overall, but knows why he was picked and resents it a bit.

Magnus the Red - XV Legion Primarch - Second most powerful psyker in human history. Complete nerd who wants to know ALL THE THINGS. Friends with Lorgar and Jaghatai Khan. Only the tallest of the Primarchs on most days, capable of punching Titans in the face when he wants to.

Ahzek Ahriman - Chief Librarian of the XV Legion. Just as big a nerd as his Primarch, but far more outgoing. Tends to make friends with people who don’t genuinely reciprocate. Like Rune Priest Othere Wyrdmake of the VI Legion and Chaplain Erebus of the XVII Legion.

Horus - XVI Legion Primarch - Not yet named Warmaster, Horus is the dutiful, favored son of the Emperor, having fought alongside him longer than any of the others. Has genuinely saved his father’s life in battle. Respected, personable, and charismatic. Worries about his father’s darker side.

Garviel Loken - Captain of the Tenth Company of the XVI Legion, member of the Mournival, Horus’s four chief advisors. Formidable and forthright warrior who views it has his duty to always speak his mind. Has impressed Rogal Dorn. Very sensibly mistrusts Erebus.

Lorgar - XVII Legion Primarch - Mercurial, outgoing orator raised in a religious order on his homeworld of Colchis, and original author of the Lectitio Divinitatus, expounding the Emperor’s deific nature. Has toned down his fanaticism after a long talk with his father. Thinks Guilliman hates him. Friends with Magnus and one of the few Primarchs to reach out to Angron. No longer trusts his foster father Kor Phaeron or his First Chaplain Erebus.

Erebus - First Chaplain of the XVII Legion. Manipulative asshole who already follows the Dark Gods of Chaos. REALLY hates that Monarchia didn’t get exploded and that he no longer has an easy in for corrupting his Primarch. In canon, got his face flayed off for mouthing off to Horus after he fell to Chaos. May yet experience said fate…

Vulkan - XVIII Legion Primarch - (Mostly) Immortal master blacksmith, very determined, and tied with Sanguinius for absolute nicest of the Primarchs. Also, pretty scary-looking with jet-black skin and glowing red eyes.

Forgefather T’Kell - Master craftsman of the XVIII Legion. Trained on Mars, very meticulous, almost as good as his Primarch at making things.

Corvus Corax - XIX Legion Primarch - Soft-spoken, laconic master of guerilla warfare. Has a habit of disappearing on people when they look away for a second. Fairly reasonable and friendly, but if you piss him off, he will literally tear tanks apart with his bare hands. Living, breathing Edgar Allan Poe reference.

Gherith Arendi - Commander of the Shadow Wardens, Corax’s bodyguard. Can sneak around in power armor and shares his Primarch’s party trick of disappearing on people.

Alpharius - XX Legion Primarch - Secretive complexity addict. Insists that everyone in his Legion use his name around outsiders. Friends with Horus.

Omegon - … Also XX Legion Primarch - Alpharius’s twin brother. Even more secretive.

Twilight Sparkle - Princess of Friendship, Element of Magic - Quite possibly an even bigger nerd than Magnus. One of the most powerful unicorns in all of Equestria, even before she became an Alicorn. Has thrown down with some frankly terrifying monsters and has an extremely analytical mind, but her heart is her true power.

Spike - The Brave and Glorious. Twilight Sparkle’s Number One Assistant and adopted little brother. Has had some problems with feeling ignored and has been helped through them. Quite competent, unless he’s subconsciously sabotaging himself. Has saved the Crystal Empire, twice. Former Dragon Lord.

Starlight Glimmer - Twilight Sparkle’s Student. Former Evil Overlord, now learning the ins and outs of friendship with Twilight’s help. Recently lead one of the more interesting rescue missions in Equestria’s history, and helped free not just Equestria, but the Changelings themselves, from the threat of Queen Chrysalis.

Applejack - Element of Honesty - Hardworking farmpony. Not quite as blunt with her honesty as Rogal Dorn. Almost as strong as her brother Big Macintosh. Very stubborn, and can be a bit overprotective of her family and friends. Very talented chef, especially when working with apples or apple byproducts… as long as she’s actually coherent.

Rarity - Element of Generosity - Fashionista with almost as much of a thing for perfection as Fulgrim. Will run herself ragged for her friends without even thinking about it. Owner and chief designer for three fashion boutiques.

Fluttershy - Element of Kindness - Very kind, very shy, though she has been learning to be more assertive. Scared of adult dragons, but will make them CRY if they hurt her friends. Surprisingly good at being scary, but really doesn’t like doing it. Non-confrontational, polite, and when sufficiently motivated, an utterly unyielding badass who stares down cockatrices and can catch up to Rainbow Dash in flight.

Rainbow Dash - Element of Loyalty - Extremely fast, extremely skilled flier who has achieved her lifelong dream of joining the Wonderbolts, and who can break the sound barrier while flying straight up. Cocky, brash, and will always be there for her friends. Feels a need, a need for speed.

Pinkie Pie - Element of Laughter - Kind, extremely energetic, profoundly weird, and both willing and able to break the laws of physics and magic to get a laugh. Can predict future events to a limited degree. Supreme Pastry Chef, so long as her sous chef isn’t completely out of her mind due to severe sleep deprivation. Willing to go the extra mile (or thousand) to make friends with people she’s just met.