The Shy Disco Club Subscription Problem
The sun's last rays had just disappeared over the horizon, leaving only the warmth of a summer day to linger into the night. One could just barely see the bright moon rise over the distant mountains, and the brightest stars could already be seen.
It was calm and would have been silent if not for the odd chirping cricket or the gentle sound of the brook near Fluttershy's cottage. Before long, one could hear footsteps slowly approach, along with cheerful, warm and friendly chit-chat.
"No, really!" said a voice one immediately recognized to be mischievous yet playful, "I did invent traffic jams!" said Discord.
"Oh, please," said a kind, soft voice. Fluttershy did her best not to giggle.
"I'm serious! It was eons ago, I was making literal jam rain down on the first roads, and then inspiration struck!"
They were walking together on the path, getting close to the bridge leading over the stream. The odd pair seemed quite happy, at least they didn't seem to be able to stop smiling at each other.
"Oh, we're already here?" said Discord.
"You actually sound surprised."
"It's just that I've never walked here before... or to much of anywhere to be honest."
They both stopped just before the little bridge, and they turned to each other.
Discord actually looked humbled, for once. "Thank you, Fluttershy. I had a wonderful time."
"Me too. The tea was delicious, where did you get it?"
"Oh that's not important... or wise to ask." He coughed, awkwardly. "Anyway, I think this is where we part ways. I'm assuming tea next week as usual?"
Fluttershy gave him a knowing look. "Would you even take no for an answer?"
"Oh I might, I'd say I've grown up a bit." He literally became taller at the words. "Might break my heart, though," he said, putting his paw on his chest that broke like glass, leaving a heart-shaped hole.
Fluttershy laughed. "I'm looking forward to it."
Discord returned to normal, or as normal as could be expected of him, and then reached out with his paw towards her face. "Fluttershy?"
"Yes? Discord?" asked Fluttershy.
He reached past her and pointed. "You've got mail."
Indeed, Fluttershy's mailbox did in fact seem crammed. "Oh good! Maybe my exotic seeds finally arrived!" She got excited, hurried over to the mailbox and opened it.
"Oh, what's this?" she asked, pulling out a stack of papers.
Discord would usually have said goodbye and left at this point, but he was a curious type. He floated off the ground and circled around her, looking over her shoulder. The papers had writing on it, obviously written with a typewriter.
"Did you order a manuscript?" he asked. "Did you get into show-business and didn't tell me?"
Fluttershy shook her head and examined both the stack and her mailbox. "I don't think this is mine. But, there's no address."
"Such a shame," said Discord, grandly gesturing towards himself, "because with my stage-presence we would have made one unforgettable duo. What is it about, anyway?" His eyes suddenly lit up, like flashlights, and he focused the beams on the front page. "What does it say?"
"Wait, you can read."
"Actually, I left some parts of my brain in charge of language processing back home."
"What- I'm not even going to ask," said Fluttershy, focusing instead on the front page. "It says 'This month's chapter of CCCC. Chapter 8: A Heated Discussion."
Discord leaned in closer. "That's a really big stack for just one chapter."
Fluttershy turned the page. "Okay, 'Sure, it had been a big fight, but what is a fight in the grand scheme of things? It was time to talk again, time to instead use kind words. While he didn't exactly seem eager, in fact he actively avoided her gaze, he didn't simply leave. It needed to be done, and they both knew it.'"
"Well, I do like a good squabble," said Discord.
"'He finally turned to her and spoke. 'I don't say this often, but to you I will always make an exception: I'm sorry.' His words were sincere, but all she could think about was his tall and firm figure. Once he actually stopped to be serious, his posture was so strict, so magnificent, it made him seem so strong, safe. While she wanted to speak to him, she also wanted to be held in his firm grasp. While his words were now meaningful, all she wanted to hear was him whispering sweet nothings in her ear.'"
Fluttershy blushed and raised her hoof to her mouth.
"Oh my, getting quite steamy. Are you sure this isn't yours, Fluttershy?" asked Discord, his voice quite teasing. He found it quite funny, and had to keep himself from laughing.
"Discord, I wouldn't-"
"I know, I know. Relax... Keep reading, how far is this going to go?" asked Discord, ready to mock whatever came next. He was hoping for a blunt and awful metaphor.
"Um, alright. 'She snapped out of her daydreaming to hear him say 'Please, I've had so many ponies hate me, but I never wanted you to be one of them. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my eternity with you.' His eyes pierced hers.'"
"Ugh, please don't be a romance for teens," said Discord. "Admittedly, inventing that was not my best idea."
"'He spoke before she could. 'I just want to rip off your saddle and take you right on my floor, Flutt...ershy.'" Fluttershy just sort of trailed off, staring into the distance in shock.
"WHAT?!" shouted Discord, grabbing the manuscript and pressed his face into it... until he remembered he couldn't currently read. "What- who- what sick, depraved fiend would write this garbage and practically send it to your doorstep!?"
"I don't know."
"Well, continue reading!" said Discord, handing the pages back to her, resisting the urge to throw them into the water.
"What?!" she stared at him.
"If there's no address, someone must have left it here themselves. I am willing to bet whoever did it wrote himself- or herself- into this smut.
"Um, um, okay... Right. 'She looked back at him. 'Please, first we need to talk. It wouldn't be right otherwise. I'm so tempted, but we must control ourselves. We're not animals.' He suddenly seemed pleading 'I'm several animals! And all of them love you!' She, for once, raised her tone. 'This isn't the time, Discooo...'"
They looked straight at each other.
"I did not write that!" said Discord.
"I know, but this, this is so freaky! Who did!?" asked Fluttershy.
"And who would write 8 chapters of this?! Does it say anything anywhere about who wrote it?" he asked.
Fluttershy quickly turned page after page, her face getting more and more red, until she finally reached the end.
"Well?!"
"All it said was 'Property of the Shy Disco Club."
"What?"
"I guess, Flutteryshy Discord?" said Fluttershy.
"I don't know what this club is, but I hate all of their writing!" said Discord. "He suddenly appeared in clothes befitting an old father figure archetype, including tobacco pipe, holding a rolled up newspaper. "This calls for a proper spankin'!"
Fluttershy winced.
"What?"
"That's what you said on page 28."
Discord squirmed. "Glad I can't-"
"There's illustrations!" said Fluttershy and flashed the manuscript at him like it was the head of a basilisk.
Discord wanted to tear his eyes from his sockets, so he did, and threw them away. "Why would you do that?! Why did you think that was okay?!"
Fluttershy was desperately shaking her head. "I don't know! Why would anyone think this was okay?!"
Discord closed his eyes, and when he opened them his eyes were back. He gestured with his claws to chill. "Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we should calm down!"
"Right! Right. Right! So what's the plan?"
"Let's go inside, and we can think about this in peace. I can't relax out here; I can't stop feeling that someone could be looking at us, or reading about us..."
***
Discord and Fluttershy sat at the table inside the cottage, each holding a cup of tea. Both cups had long since gone cold, and neither of them had so much as tasted a single drop. So much for calming the nerves.
Finally Fluttershy broke the silence. "Okay, let's think about this."
"I have tried very hard not to."
"Not about the manuscript! About who could have written it! This is a lot of paper, not written by hoof, and it's been properly bound. There's not a lot of ponies in Ponyville that would have all the equipment to make a manuscript this big."
They both glanced at the manuscript lying idly at the table, they dared not look at it for long.
"Alright, I see your point. Let's start with the fact someone would have to buy paper to make it. Where would one buy it?"
Fluttershy gave it some thought. "Well, Quills and Sofas recently expanded. They're now Quills, Sofas, Office and Pancakes."
"A potential clue," said Discord, conjuring forth a magnifying glass and a very dapper hat.
"Oh, but wait, they only did that just over a week ago."
"Well, what about the library?" asked Discord.
Fluttershy looked at him. "Well, I suppose."
Discord floated off his seat and threw away his cup. "Let's go! There's plenty of time to figure out other places on our way."
"Wait, now?"
"I am not waiting until morning. I want to get to the bottom of this tonight." Discord snapped his claws.
***
In a flash, the two appeared in a dark lonely hallway.
Fluttershy only had to glance around to realize where they were: inside Twilight's castle.
"Discord!" she whispered, more inaudible than usual, "This is a huge violation of privacy! We can't skulk around somepony else's home at night!"
"Why not? I do it every week," Discord whispered back. "You ponies and your weird standards."
"How are we going to find out anything about the manuscript if we can't ask anyone?" asked Fluttershy.
"Ask about what?" said Spike.
Discord shrieked in fear, fell out of the air and would have crushed Fluttershy, if she hadn't jumped higher and landed on his face.
"What's up?" asked Spike.
"My heart rate, for one!" said Discord, clutching his chest. "I'm spry, but I'm also older than all of the history in this entire building!"
"Oooh, that's a good one!" said Spike, brought out a piece of paper and a quill, and noted down.
"What do you mean?" asked Discord.
"Oh, it's just for a silly contest," said Spike, nonchalant before putting away the note.
"Sorry for being here so late, Spike," said Fluttershy. "We didn't mean to-"
Spike shook his head. "It's a public library, Fluttershy. The doors aren't even locked."
"But, what about Twilight?"
Spike pointed "She's sorting books in the library."
"Hi, Fluttershy!" yelled Twilight off somewhere in the distance.
Discord stepped between Spike and Fluttershy. "Yes, yes, it's very nice to see you, et cetera, et cetera. Spike, has anyone been buying paper, using supplies for binding manuscripts every other month or so, perhaps?"
"We don't sell paper, and nopony is allowed to touch most supplies except Twilight."
"Mine!" a voice yelled in the distance.
"Sorry, she's had too much coffee, and gets excited about sorting."
Discord frowned. "Not exactly what I wanted to hear."
Fluttershy stepped forward. "Well, since we're already here, do you know anything about a Shy Disco Club?"
Absolute delight was the only description apt enough for Spike clapping his little claws together.
"Oh my goodness you've heard about it?! Isn't it just the cutest?!" asked Spike. "You two have such good chemistry together! Have you started reading it?"
Discord face turned into an angry grimace "Wait, did you-"
"Get this month's chapter?" asked Spike, not even noticing Discord's tone. "No! But according to the newsletter it should arrive any day now!"
Discord immediately froze. "There's a newsletter?"
"Sure, hang on! I'll get it!"
It didn't take long for Spike to run deeper into the castle and return with a large piece of colorful paper.
"Here it is, the semi-monthly newsletter!" he held it up so they both could get a good read.
The very top had a bright and colorful title, 'The Shy Disco Club Newsletter!'. The coloration was unmistakably matching both Fluttershy's and Discord's primary colors, and 'Disco' even had a different stylized font for every letter. Both Discord and Fluttershy tilted their heads like confused puppies when they saw a little illustration of them dancing together next to it, wearing outdated disco outfits, including an afro.
Spike tapped his claw on one of the articles. "See? Chapter 8 comes out this week. I am thrilled you want to join the club. Have you read chapter 7 yet? The Dance at Dawn?"
"No! What- we don't want to join this club!" said Discord. "We want to find out who wrote this about us!"
"Oh, get in line. It's written anonymously! We are all dying to find out who wrote it. There's rumors that when it reaches the 50th chapter, the one responsible for it will reveal themselves!"
"50th?!" Fluttershy and Discord blurted out.
Spike shrugged. "Well, it's just a rumor."
Discord sighed in relief. "So it probably won't be going on for that long," said Discord.
"Oh no, it's been confirmed the story has 200 chapters outlined."
Discord's jaw literally hit the floor.
"Anyway, there's a contest to send in good snippets of writing to be featured in the upcoming chapters. I figure that since you literally said it, I'm sure to win."
Discord just barely contained his frustration, though steam still whistled out through his ears.
"Spike," said Fluttershy delicately. "How did you become part of this club?"
"Just word of mouth, basically. There's a guy in Canterlot you can write to that will hook you up. I think he handles distribution."
"Well, tell us who!" said Discord.
"Short Stack, in the Canterlot library, a president of one of the book clubs. I hear he's very tightlipped about where he gets the chapters from, but since you're who you are, he might make an exception and tell you more."
"Thank you, Spike. That's very helpful," said Fluttershy.
"You are aware Fluttershy and I are not an... item, aren't you?" asked Discord.
Spike chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Well, of course not, but it's such cute writing. It's fun."
"It is not 'fun', and hopefully nopony else thinks so in this little club," said Discord.
"Not so little anymore," said Spike and tapped further down on the newsletter. It said '20,000 confirmed subscriptions'.
***
Discord banged on the door, it was quite late. The otherwise busy streets of Canterlot were completely still. Fluttershy wasn't very comfortable being outside so late, but she wouldn't stop now.
"Open up, Short Stack!" yelled Discord.
The door suddenly opened. "Sir, the establishment is open," said the gray stallion unicorn standing in the front.
"We want to talk about the Shy Disco Club!" said Discord.
The stallion groaned in frustration.
"That's it, I'm changing the sign. This is the last time I'm saying this: we are not the Shy Disco Club, we are the Disco Shy Club, the dancing joint for introverts."
Indeed, the inside was filled with subdued music and ponies too shy to dance together, mostly just sitting in corners and drinking cider.
"I should keep this place in mind for later," said Fluttershy.
"The Shy Disco Club is around the corner, goodnight," said the pony and swiftly closed the door.
Fluttershy glanced at Discord. "I told you it wasn't the right place."
He just shrugged. "In my defense, I can't read signs tonight."
***
"Open up, Short Stack!" yelled Discord.
Again, the door before them opened, except this time they were greeted by a blue short unicorn stallion. His eyes were unfocused, having clearly just woken up.
"We want to talk about the Shy Disco Club!" said Discord.
The stallion shook his head. "It's past midnight! Can't you just-" then he managed to focus his gaze. "Oh my Celestia! Discord and Fluttershy! Come in, come in! Where are my manners! Can I get you anything? Tea? A soft drink? A hard drink? A hard-soft drink?"
They stepped inside, but didn't go further into the hallway, instead just standing by the open door. "Who writes the chapters!?" said Discord.
"We would very much like to know, if you don't mind," said Fluttershy.
"Oh I have no idea! I want ponies to think I do, but I don't have a clue. I mainly take care of distribution," said Short Stack. "Come in, I have cookies! Could always heat up some scones if you'd like."
"Well, actually I wouldn't mind a-" Discord shook his head. "No! If you don't know, how do you get them?!"
"They just show up at my doorstep! I've tried to be on the lookout, but they always wait until I've given up or turned away! Whoever they are, they sure are a sneaky bunch!" said Short Stack.
Discord and Fluttershy went deeper into his home. It was surprisingly clean, with the exception of some horseshoes and boxes on the floor, all labeled 'CCCC Chapter 8', most of them empty.
"I've come up with some theories- Still can't believe you're here, this is so exciting! Anyway, I've come up with some theories about who could have written the Chaotic Case Couple Chronicles."
"Every single letter in that title makes me angry," said Discord in the most deadpan of tones. "Don't need to read to know that."
"How did this whole thing start?" asked Fluttershy.
"Oh, the first chapter just showed up on my doorstep one day, and a note. It asked me to read it, and leave critique in my mailbox. Boy was I surprised. One letter led to another, and now I'm the distributor of the Shy Disco Club! I also receive fan letters, submissions, subscriptions, donations, write bits of the newsletter, and also receive, review and recommend fan-fiction based on QC."
"Of what?" asked Fluttershy.
"Oh, right, Quadruple C." They stepped into the living room, it would have been nice and inviting, if it wasn't filled with even more QC boxes.
"This is just so- this makes me sick. It's so... invasive!" said Discord. "Usually I'm the one responsible for making others feel like this."
"Oh, I thought you were alright with this. The mysterious author wrote in and said you were okay with it."
"That's a lie! I didn't even see it until tonight!" said Discord. "Who do you think the author is?"
"Wait, are you going to make them stop? Please don't! Come on! Everyone's having fun with this! We even have a subscription from the princess!"
Discord was taken aback. "Which princess?"
Short Stack shrugged. "All of them?"
Discord shook his head. "That's irrelevant! Even if ponies adore me - and who could blame them? - it's still making us uncomfortable!"
Fluttershy leaned in. "Now, the stories don't have to stop, but they can't just use our likenesses and names without permission like that. They'll- they'll simply have to change it. I'm putting my hoof down on this."
"Well, alright, I can leave a message for the author about it, but it could take a while, and he or she might not listen to it."
Fluttershy gave it some thought. "You said you had some theories about who could have written them. Could you tell us? We can look into it."
"Oh, sure!" said Short Stack. He gestured to the wall in the back. There was a board, filled to the brim with photographs, notes, and red pieces of strings connecting them. "I always see this sort of board in the movies... it hasn't helped much, but I did write down a list."
Discord slithered over and picked up a piece of paper, a very long piece of paper. Fluttershy trotted over to read it.
"Why is Discord at the top of this list?" asked Fluttershy.
Short Stack seemed hesitant. "Well, he actually tied with Princess Celestia for most likely author."
"It's definitely not Celestia," said Discord and crossed out two lines on the paper. "She writes fan-fiction, sure, but usually about something... darker."
"I knew it!" said Short Stack.
"Well, where do we start?" asked Fluttershy. "It can't be Twilight; she would have told Spike, who would have told us." Discord crossed it out. "Princess Cadance; Chrysalis; Chrysalis as Princess Cadance; me; the Apples; The Quills, Sofas, Office and Pancakes-salespony; also every single pony in Ponyville, even the ones I know can't write; who in the world is Ivanhoe Mane? Oh dear, this list goes on and on."
"I was very thorough," said Short Stack.
"I hate you," said Discord.
"Oh my Celestia! Discord said he hates me! Best day ever!"
Discord shrugged it off and leaned closer to the board. "What's this paper?"
"Oh, that's just my favorite page of QC so far, Chapter 5: Dragon, Demon and Dearly Beloved, page 47," said Short Stack.
Fluttershy accidentally read a line and gasped. Discord leaned in. He narrowed his eyes, but couldn't read from it. He might as well have been trying to read tealeaves.
"What does it say? Is it that bad?" asked Discord.
"Well," said Fluttershy. She leaned in and whispered into his ear.
Discord was flabbergasted. "You- she kissed what?!"
"I know, that's so gross!" said Fluttershy.
"And it's not even accurate! I do not have two!"
"Hey, I understand that's not something you like, but it's a pivotal moment in establishing the relationship between Discord and Fluttershy! It shows how comfortable they've become around each other!"
"But I do not have two fangs! I just have the one! Come on, Fluttershy, we're finding this crazed author tonight!"
In a snap and a flash, they were gone.
"Dang it! I forgot to get their autographs."
***
It had been a very, very, very busy night. Discord and Fluttershy had lost track of how many ponies they had asked, the amount of doors they had knocked on, the number of restraining orders that would most likely be filed by noon, but at least they hadn't given up.
So, of course, they had found nothing. By the time they both materialized inside Fluttershy's bedroom, they were too exhausted to stand. They just sat down on the bed, bags under their eyes and fur ruffled.
"I hope whoever got that yak a subscription gets thrown into Tartarus," said Discord, snapping a cup of hot coffee into his paw.
"Yeah, me too," said Fluttershy. Discord gave her an odd look. "I've been running up all night, and that yak did not do us any favors. I'm cranky."
"Our last hope is that the author gets the message," said Discord, taking a long sip.
"But what if it doesn't?" asked Fluttershy.
Discord sighed. "We are doomed to be remembered not by our accomplishments or sins, but how we make a disturbing yet adorable couple."
"Chapter 3: Dreaming of Maize, page 12... oh sweet Celestia I don't even know which of them quoted that," said Fluttershy and buried her head in both her hooves and the blankets on the bed.
Discord dragged his claws down his face. "Feels like all of them... And what kind of garbage title is that? I didn't hear anything about corn."
"I think it means maize the yellow color, except I'm not that color."
Discord leaned back down on the bed. They both lied in the quiet bedroom, the only thing breaking the silence was the ticking of a clock, and the distant call of a rooster.
"Ugh, Celestia, just a few more minutes?" asked Discord. The first few rays of sunlight were already over the horizon.
"Well, maybe this is a good thing? It's sort of like we're making ponies happy, right?" said Fluttershy.
"I guess... but I'm just not...," Discord just sighed again and drank the last of his coffee. "Thanks for helping me tonight, Fluttershy. I guess this bothered me more than it ever did you."
"I'll be okay. Will you?"
"Yeah, I just... ironically, I don't like it when things are chaotic and outside my control. And this whole concept of intimacy is something that is just... far outside anything I have ever touched. Just this idea that not only are others thinking about it, about us, but actively like it? Shipping is weird. Whoever invented it is an evil genius."
"Hey, we like each other in our way, and at the end of the day that's all that matters to us."
"It's not the end of the day; it's the start of it." Discord got up from the bed. "I think it's time I took my leave. Feels like I've taken up far too much of your evening."
"Are we still up for tea soon?" asked Fluttershy.
"As long as it's not at any of those book clubs we were invited to," said Discord and shuddered like cold water had been dripping down his spine.
"You know what I did like, though? About their weird story?" asked Fluttershy.
"No, what?"
"Not a single reference to tea parties. That's still ours."
For the first time since finding the manuscript, Discord smiled. Fluttershy didn't see it, as she had fallen asleep. Discord gently tucked her in, and made sure to snap his claw as quietly as possible, then he was gone.
***
With a loud bang that gave him a headache, he appeared inside his home back in his own chaotic domain.
"I never thought I'd want to sleep this much," said Discord. He was about to float over to the bed on the wall, but then he heard something.
A series of soft clicks.
"Oh please no, no, no, no, no..." He peaked in through an open door into what almost looked like an office.
"Good morning from your subconscious!" said Discord, or at least an exact duplicate of him, except for... "Also your brain's language center!" said the second head on the doppelganger draconequus. They were both hammering away on a classic typewriter, surrounded by papers.
Discord, finally close enough to his missing part to be able to read again, picked up one of the pages. "Chapter 9: The Tea Parties Of Treacherous Passions... ARE YOU SERIOUS?! THIS IS WHY YOU WANTED A DAY OFF?!"
"Yep!" said both heads.
"I did this?! It was in fact me this entire time?!"
"Don't look so glum, chum! It's just in the name of love! Let the voice of it take you higher!" said the head on the right.
"But, does that mean-"
"You put the manuscript in her mailbox, and you didn't even know it!" said the head on the left.
"This is just unacceptable! You will stop this instant!" said Discord. He might have been tired, but he was also very tense.
"For the first time ever the ponies like what you make, and you want to stop it?" asked the head on the right.
"It's not fair to her!" said Discord.
Both heads laughed merrily.
"What's so funny?!"
The head on the left spoke to him. "She's the only creature in your entire existence you've ever cared about treating fairly! Sure, we can stop, but will you?"
"Got to stop lying to yourself!" said the head on the right. "Might as well tell her how you feel! Sure, you're old! But love is not only for the young!"
"I don't have repressed-"
"Oh please!" They both laughed.
Discord snapped his claws, and they vanished. He stood alone in his home, looking at the seemingly infinite stacks of papers, notes and ink. Eventually he took a deep breath and relaxed just a bit.
"This is going to be... difficult to explain. I shouldn't have invented awkwardness."
The End
