No Place In Heaven

I awoke with a sharp headache, mainly concentrated at the back of my head. Well, I do recall talking horse and falling backward, but I was out before I hit the ground. I was determined to continue laying where ever I awoke. I had no need, and ESPECIALLY no desire to see another English fluent animal for at LEAST a few more minutes. I have witnessed many an instance in my life in my life where logic and rational thinking has failed me. The disappearing ghost girl on the train tracks is quite a valid example. But now I have talking horses. Yeah, I had a hell of a day ahead of me, I could only pray to whatever higher entities may exist that it be only a day. But, I thought to myself, that maybe I should not try and ignore this. HEY! Maybe when I open my eyes I'll have just taken a bad fall, and that was a hallucination of sorts.

No such luck. I crack my eyes to see I was in a house, or a furnished library, with the giant bookcases surrounding me, it was hard to make a call on that. And in said house... library............ building, were six of them now, blondie included. The other five were colorful characters. I didn't even know who they were. But they were colorful in a literal sense. Pink. Purple. Blue, with a rainbow colored mane and tail. This had to be purgatory or something. Yeah, that's it. The hit on the head killed me, It wasn't Hell as far as I could surmise, and I was PREEETTY sure this wasn't Heaven. But, it is what it is now. Whatever "it" might happen to be. So, I figured I might as well roll with it, although easier said than done. I was thinking of what to say, but the speech didn't begin with me.

"So you have NO idea what it is?" Came a rather refined, yet uptight voice from a white mare (gender judging by voice), with what could be described as a royal purple, expertly curled mane and tail. She had three diamonds, or what I would assume were diamonds, on her flank, and the sight of this brought me back to the green mark I saw on the larger red pony, whom from the build of the body, I assume would be a stallion. And, hear this, she had a horn. A horn. Was this one of those unicorn things? When did I get vacuumed into one of my niece's books?

"None of my books ever described such a creature. I'm at a loss." A relatively normal voice, originating from the purple mare, with a dark indigo "hair" scheme, but each with a pink highlight. Her main mane was cut into bangs, and she sported a horn as well. But, here's the kicker. It was glowing, and the same glow levitated a book in front of her, in which she was focused intensely. I was gonna die in that room, I was sure of it.

"Ugh, it's filthy! Look at him! Smell him! I think I need to leave the room." The white pony said before departing. Good, fuck her. Doesn't even know who or what I am and talking down on me. I can already tell me and her are going to have a LOT of trouble getting along. Hopefully I wouldn't have to try, maybe I scared her off. I hoped. I wished. I begged.

Now I came to wonder. Are they all like this? What if there was a horn hidden under the manes of the others? I might not have been able to see it under her hat. This was racking my cranium. So, I decided, probably quite foolishly, to check. I sat up (SLOOOOWLY, my head was still suffering tremors), reached for her when she wasn't looking, and I felt around her forehead. Nothing. What was more of a surprise, she didn't seem to recoil at all when I did. I would have expected a different reaction. Instead, I got this.

"Aww, shucks sugarcube don't mention it. I'm just glad yer safe." She chuckled with one eye closed and ears pointed in different directions. Don't mean to get sidetracked, but THAT, was fricken adorable.

Okay, my first assumption was that she brought me here after I K.O.'d myself, which I'm not gonna lie, given the fact that we were in public (of a sort), and that no one there seemed to know exactly what i am, I was much more comfortable hidden from the eye of the town's general populace. Second hypothesis, which was a bit easier to reach, was that she thought I petted her for her deed. And, again, there was no complaint coming from me. I'm in a land where apparently no one has seen a human being before, a good impression would have been a decent boon for me. However, at that moment I realized, I had failed to retract my hand, and was still "petting" her.

"Thank you again anyway." I muttered weakly, my voice reminding me I was still in quite a bit of pain.

"EEEEEEEEEE!!! IT TALKED!!! HI!! I'M PINKIE PIE!!! WHAT'S YOUR NAME???!!!"

Oooowwwwwwww. That, was NOT conductive to my recovery. Pinkie Pie. Yeah, I could see that. Her very light pink fur, her deeper pink curly mane, she sure as hell wasn't "Sapphire Susan". And, her energy. Her sheer bodily energy, which was made a banner of sorts by her hopping in place and her face hovering so close to mine that I almost felt nose contact, could have eliminated the need for nuclear power. Yup. Another relationship in peril for boring old me. I wasn't gonna try to find out if she had a horn or not, for a number of reasons. For one, if she thought I was petting her, she'd probably knock the bookshelves down, and guess who is too injured to get out of the way? Second reason, from the appearance of it, if I were to get my hand in her curly mane, I had no guarantee of getting it back.

"Hello. Volume down please. Head. Ground. Sore. I'm Trevor. How about the rest of you?"

"Applejack. Nice ta meetcha!" Said the cowgirl. Horsegirl. Lady.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle. It's very nice to meet you." Greeted the purple mare.

"Rarity. Charmed, I'm sure." Didn't notice miss hoity-toity in the corner covering her snout with her hoof, which came as a surprise to me, I didn't think their joints would be able to bend that way. Still, I disliked her with a passion. Rarity my ass. People who think their shit don't stink and a little dirt on them is the end of the world are not, repeat, NOT a rarity where I come from. At least not as much as it should be. But, I digress.

"I'M PINKIE PIE!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR US TO BE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER!!!!"

"Yup. Hello Pinkie. Again. Look, I REALLY don't mean to be rude, but do you remember what I said about volume?"

"OOPS! Sorry." She attempted to whisper the second part of her apology, and was still louder that the others. And went right up to my ear when she did it. Magnificent.

"Well, I'm glad to see he has some level of manners. And Pinkie dear, you must remember that Applejack told us that when he fell backward, he hit his head on a muffin stall." I truly hope that I didn't break it. They probably have an entirely different currency here, hell an entirely different type of economy if I had to take a guess, the last thing I need to do is to pay for repairs right now.

"And you, miss?"

"Rainbow Dash, and please don't call me miss. I hate it when ponies call me things like that." I can relate. I never was fanatical of being called 'mister' or 'sir'. Wings. A pegasus! Magnificent! I don't know if they follow the same termanology here, but at least I had some idea. I always loved the idea of the pegasus, and now here she is. Splendid, nothing less. Her pelt was a sky blue, and her hair short and sported rainbow colors. Shocker.

"Right, my bad. Anyway, how about you over there?" I called to a rather bashful looking mare, another pegasus, with yellow fur and light pink mane, which i thought was a rather odd color scheme, but, odd is the new normal, apparently.

Her response was inaudible.

"Say what?"

"She's Fluttershy."

"Right. Pleasure." No need to pursue any further. "Nice to make all of your acquaintances."

"Aren't you forgetting someone over here?"

...... I wasn't sure I was until that moment. It sounded like a younger teenage boys voice. I scanned the room, and only when looking down past the brim of the couch cushions could I see a purple lizard with green rounded spikes trailing his spine. One thing that caught my notice, he was a biped, like me. He was standing on his hind legs, and his claws, while still being claws, resembled hands. I briefly considered putting my hand up to his, flashing back to one of my favorite childhood movies. But, it wasn't the brightest idea, I would think, so I decided against it. Phooey. I always wanted to capture that moment with somebody. Ah, well.

"Right, sorry, I didn't notice you. I'm still a bit dizzy." I was actually a bit proud of myself for how I played that one off. "What's your name, friend?"

"I'm Spike. Welcome to Ponyville!"

I do gotta hand it to these guys, ............. girls and guy, they sure are giving me quite a warm reception. Can't say that was unwelcome. But, I needed a pain go-way, and sooner rather than later.

"Damn, I could use a drink more than a breath of life itself right now." Me saying the word 'damn' almost caused Rarity to faint. I'm keeping that mag in the gun. I can see myself using that to my advantage, or my entertainment if nothing else.

"Sounds like we could use some cider A.J.!" Came Rainbow Dash's tomboyish voice.

"I don't doubt it, but take it easy this time, alright Dash?"

"GOTITLETSGO!" And she was gone the second the last 'word' left her mouth. Muzzle. Snout. Voice box. I don't know, what do you want from me?

"Did she move or teleport?" I asked, my confusion most likely apparent. "She was out before I finished blinking!"

"Well, she's not called Rainbow DASH for nothing."

"I guess not!" You can explain it all you want, that was downright frightening. But enough of that. Maybe this mess will make a little more sense if you're drunk. "Alright, well let's hit the hay!" They gave me an odd look. Whoops. But they seemed to understand what I meant. We started to leave the building.

We ambled to a barn centered in a massive apple orchard. Massive is quite the apt description, I assure you. It stretched for miles with no end of the trees in sight. They seemed a bit confused about the fact that I walked on my rear legs, but they didn't appear to be shocked, I assumed it had something to do with the fact that spike did the same. It was only a matter of time before one of them inquired about my species, Twilight took the lead.

"So..... what are you?"

"We're called humans." I was this close to referring to us as 'Terrans', sprouting from my love of a 1999 computer game. Buuuut I blew it. Damn. "You've never seen one of me before?"

"Nope. Never."

"Well. I don't feel out of my setting at all. Man, how do you think i go-"

And with a gust of wind Dash was back with an almost worrying quantity of bottles. I hope she didn't have the same problem that I had, I wouldn't wish that on that little princess in the back of the squad. After clearing my eyeballs of dirt, I was poured a mug, which I always wanted a mug. Beer from a mug seems much more respectable than a 24 oz. 99 cent can of Naddy Daddy.

"Thank you all for the warm reception and for keeping me safe in this moment of GREAT confusion. Cheers!"

"CHEERS!"

It was sweet. I didn't care for sweet things. I used to live off of them, which is probably why I lost my preference for sugar. But, it was alcoholic, and that was EXACTLY what I needed at the moment. Mug went down. Another round. This process repeated about twice for everyone but me and Dash. We just kept slugging them down. My mistake. I began to ponder how things were back home. I vanished. Or died, probably the latter. How worried they must be. Will my folks be alright? Then the rest hit me. All of the other things that come to my head at the worst possible times. These ponies are too nice. Yeah, they'll just help me out from the kindness of their hearts. Right. That's really happening. They just want me so they can figure out what I am, and then they dump me in a ditch somewhere. I've been through this song and dance before. Pinkie is probably the one who is intended to get my trust in them, being all happy and that shit. Like they're good people. Fuck that! AND FUCK THAT WHITE MANE BITCH! I SEE HOW SHE LOOKS AT ME! LIKE I'M A FILTHY BEAST! FUCK HER! FUCK ALL OF THEM! I just want the memories to go away. I just want to not see my friends ghosts in my head, asking me why I'm not with them. I just need to keep drinking so I can pass out. I can't think about this anymore.

"I think you've had enough, sugarcube. Help me get him inside, Twi."

I spun around, which was not in my best interest, as the immediate effect was a fall to the floor. I recall being picked up, and the horrified faces that they wore as I was dragged past them. I recalled realizing that I had said every word of that out loud. Then, I remembered nothing.