The Different Prince

Suffice to say, I would not be tipping that waitress. If she can afford an Uzi and that fantastic boobjob, she doesn't need my greenbacks. Not I that carried any. No, I always paid in untraceable precious minerals.

Which made me a prime target for the mafia. As well anyone else who wanted to get rich in a minute.

How did I get so rich? Pirate treasure. Yes, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. I so totally did not inherit it from my Nazi grandfather who use to work in Auschwitz. Yessiree, pirate treasure it was. They may have looked like filling at one point, before I melted them down into ingots.

Oh my word, my grandfather was a monster. I'm glad to be rid of it. Let someone else carry that around with them. The only reason I held onto it for so long was because... it was gold. Money. Moola. That's how you spell moola, right? Anyways, the point being, money can make people put aside their horror and disgust.

Well, the jokes on my assassins. I had already spent most of it. Spent it all on security to keep me safe from them.

It had to have been cursed.

Oh well, maybe I would never see gold ever again. That would be just fine by me.

Suddenly... sensation of being sucked through a windy straw, a lot of screaming, mostly mine, and then a bright light and faces looking down at me. This is actually very unimportant to anything. Why do people linger on the mode of transportation?

"My goodness, Princess Celestia," a voice said, attached to the body that was holding me. Everything was agony, and I was unable to stop screaming. "I have never seen a foal with such golden fur before. One might almost think it were real."

Gold? What the fuck. I never want to see that stuff again.

"That's... wonderful," a new voice, softer and warmer said. My screaming quieted. I call witchcraft. "I can hardly... hardly keep my.... eyes open. Is it a filly or a colt?"

"A colt, your highness," cheered the first voice. Yes, that shall be her name for the time being. First Voice.

There was an audible gasp from Second Voice. "Master above. A colt? Oh, seventy-two hours... of labor never felt so... worth it."

"And that's not all, your highness," gasped First Voice. "He... h-he's and alicorn."

Second Voice gasped again in shock. "A male alicorn? Th-that's... unheard of."

This was an interesting conversation. Wish I knew who or what they were talking about. By this time, I was no longer screaming. Thank goodness, I was hurting my own ears.

"Give me my son," Second Voice commanded. "The Master not only blesses me with a colt, but also an alicorn heir. Today shall be marked as a holiday from this day forth."

Wow. Whoever this kid was must really be something special. I'd like to meet him. Maybe then I could see what a real person was like.

Huh?

I suddenly found myself in someone else's arms. Gee, I was kind of small, wasn't I?

"My word, he is huge," Second Voice said, sounding extremely close. "To think half the nation was betting I was having twins. Can't blame them."

Talk about a big baby. Though, seriously, what was going on? Why was I being passed around like a hot potato? When did people ever pass around hot potatoes? I blame the Irish. If potatoes are involved, they're often the ones to blame.

Shouldn't I be dead? Well, maybe this was all that was left of me. Their just passing the few bits and pieces the mafia left when they tore me apart in search of the rest of the gold.

"Shall we schedule a circumcision?" First voice asked Second Voice.

Was anyone else finding it odd that the remains of a corpse wee floating around a maternity ward? This was some freaky shit. Was I supposed to be some sort of sick object lesson?

Suddenly, I felt something rubbing against my cheek. Everything was blurry and distorted that I could what it was. It was hairy, whatever it was. Was a bearded old man sniffing me or something? Why did I think something like that?

"I shall call you Gold Coast, because your birth is a sign that we reached a new horizon," Second Voice whispered in my ear in her warm and gentle voice.

I wasn't even sure if I was breathing by this point as all the cogs in my brain finally clicked into place and began rotating. This could only mean one thing. Unfortunately, one cog had slipped, and I lost my train of thought. Actually, I fell asleep. Then it clicked back into place and I woke up again.

I was reborn as.... something. Something really didn't feel right. A lot of somethings. And what was that about circumcision? Come on. I was already circumcised in my previous life. And that little piece of skin was then sent to a factory to be turned into wrinkle cream. Don't believe me? Look it up, you're on the internet. Little boys are being harvested, and parents are paying for it. It's a racket.

"Schedule it at the appropriate six weeks," Second voice said as she held me close to what I could only assume to be her breasts. They were fuzzy too.

Fuck. Please let me be born blind. I do not want to find out my new mother is a member of a circus. Namely, the world's hairiest lady. I will personally gouge out own my eyes if I have to.

Though, does this make my father another circus freak? The Elephant Man wouldn't be so bad. Watched the movie? Awesome stuff. It's a true story too.

Or, he could be one of those guys with a crocodile scale skin.

Yep, totally hoping my eyesight never recovers.

"We'll leave you and your son alone for now, your highness," First Voice said. There was the sound of multiple footsteps as whoever else was in the room with us left.

Wait. They said princess. Maybe they're a kingdom of werewolves. Okay, I think I could deal with that. But, then they also said I was a colt. Centaurs?

Maybe if I keep my eyes closed for a really long time they'll grow shut together.