Chapter 10: The never-ending search for entertainment

Edited by Mr Salespony

“No, No, No, NO. This one is boring too so, NO.” I complained. Throwing more and more books over my shoulder which didn’t interest me, much to Olivia’s displeasure.

“Can you please top throwing all of these books around? I have brought you here so you can find something to entertain yourself with. Not to cause a ruckus.” She chided. Trying to catch all of the books I was throwing over my shoulder, and failing miserably.

Because I can obviously throw faster than she can catch. Also, she IS a terrible catch as well. Let’s add that reality check on the list shall we?

Either way, I kept my vandalism going as I replied. “Well it isn’t MY fault that this library of yours is actually filled with the largest collection of rip-offs and fan fictions I have ever seen. I mean look at this…” I pulled out a random book to show it to her.” The Masters of the Rings? That is just a rip off of “The lord of the rings” only ponified and poorly disguised with replacing “Lord” with “Masters”. For shame. Poor J.J.R Tolkien is rolling in his airtight claustrophobic grave right about now after I mentioned this piece of shit to the world. You ponies should all be ashamed.” I dramatically added, throwing this piece of copy-puss over my shoulder too, and causing the mare behind me to “eep” in surprise.

Must have almost hit her with it or something. But alas, I have much more important things to do then worry about that. Like finding myself some literal entertainment that doesn’t consist of either fanfiction, baby books, or fanfiction baby books.

Like this other rip off of Dora the explorer that I found. It even had boots still as a monkey on the front cover. Why this shit is turned into a children’s book, I don’t know. Especially considering the fact that most kids, if not all, for its designated age range can’t even read or write to save their lives.

Something that poor old Olivia over here was quite shocked to find out, when I told her, AND proved her that I could read and write myself.

Well not so much on writing part though. I obviously lack the five digits I need to properly pull off a written sentence, and trying to learn writing with my mouth is just…ehh.

“Ooh what is this? A book about adventures?” I announced, before perching up this new throw-able ammunition up to my eyes for closer inspection.

I arched an eyebrow when reading the title. “Daring do and the Temple of Tentacles? Looks like a really bad hentai fli…HEY I WAS READING THAT!” I shouted after the book was, disrespectfully pulled away from me.

Olivia frowned and shook her head. “ALL except THAT. This type of stories are NOT suitable for foals, No matter how mature you say you are.” She chided. Keeping the book away from me while I was trying to grab it.

Not an easy feat to do when only a foot tall and having dinky little arms as...well arms.

“Says the woman who is allowed to babysit foals while wearing the most skimpy looking French maid outfit I have ever seen. While also wearing a thong underneath that same skimpy little skirt of yours and shoving it constantly into my face. What are you, a pedo?” I countered, glaring up at the mare to challenge her.

She immediately blushed, darting her eyes side to side in surprised panic before her face quickly transitioned to many different expressions instead. Ranging from dumbfounded, insulted, regret, realization, anger, back to dumbfounded, before finally landing back to an expression as if someone just told her that she was fat or something.

“What the…no I…I am not a pedophile. What in equestria made you come up with that? And also…”She trailed off a bit. Her facial features once again taking a couple of different forms before eventually landing on confusion. She stayed like this for a couple of more moments before looking down on herself and observing her outfit.
A few gears seemed to be turning inside that naïve little head of hers before a look of realization finally flashed upon her.

She looked back at me, her ears flat against her skull and looking off to the side a bit.

“Well…maybe I do look somewhat…HEY, I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT!” She shouted, realizing that I had somehow managed to take the book back from her and when she wasn’t looking.
To my surprise, it had some pretty well detailed illustration as well. VERY detailed illustration and facial expressions.

“Give me that.” She announced before snatching the book away from me a second time and throwing it over her shoulder. Only for it to soar past a very surprise looking Brass as he entered the scene.

Even more surprised when he saw the rucked on the floor.

“Miss Olivia, what is the meaning of this?” He asked while looking at the mare in question.
Olivia ears immediately perked up. Her eyes mimicked her ear’s expressions as she quickly turned herself around, her panic perfectly matching her facial expression and breathing. Not to mention the realization as to what this made her look like to be.

“N-no, sir its…it’s not what it looks like I swear. I…I didn’t do all of this…he did.” She stuttered while pointing a naked hoof to my equally naked direction.

I just looked at her indifferently, casually looking back at a book that I randomly picked up. Arching an eyebrow at the frantic looking mare and saying absolutely nothing.

Brass raised his own eyebrows at this, looking at the mare accusingly which Olivia quickly managed to pick up.

She was about to say something again when Brass beat her too it. “Miss Olivia, as far as I know. You were the one who almost managed to hit me with one of the books which are scattered about on the floor, and as far as I see it, you seem to be the main culprit of this chaos, especially judging that some of the books of the upper shelves are scattered about as well. Places I am sure a foal like him can’t reach. Even with the ladder, which would just be too dangerous for him.” Calmly accused, again giving the mare a furrowed brows in the end.

Olivia on the other hand again just stuttered around, before finally sighing in defeated acceptance. “I will go clean this up right away sir.” She mumbled before doing just that.

I grinned, watching her mumbling to herself while picking up all of the books that I so unconventionally, threw over my shoulders. Doing the same with the random book I picked up. Though a little bit more subtle of course, as to not to divert Brass’ attention from her to me.

Unknown to him, I did climb up the ladder myself to retrieve these books on the upper shelves. Again, much to Olivia’s earlier protest. But he doesn’t need to know that, does he?

Either way, with my daily dose of trolling out of the way and with Olivia finally off my back for a substantial amount of time. I quickly re-grabbed the aforementioned “adventure book” and quietly scuttled myself away from the crime scene without much notice.

I am now genuinely curious as to what type of kinks these ponies are into. Given their mostly naked personality and their even more outrageous fashion choices. Mostly revolving around their tails, the only natural thing that keeps everyone safe from getting flashed.

Anyway, I have personally never read any books of such nature. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t have a peek now does it? And I am certainly NOT going to wait until my balls drop like how Olivia suggested.

Plus judging from the titled and the few illustration I have seen so far, this thing is mostly likely going to turn out to be rather corny in terms of trying to be “exciting”.

There’s only one way to find out after all, and that is to open up an actual book this time that is not made of electronics or a silicon screen.

Been a while since I had a papercut.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Well, this was certainly a bummer.” I say while tossing the book off of my bed.

“All substance and no real build up or resolution. Or at least not the type of resolution I have heard a million times before. This book was even just part one for Christ’s sake.” I complained, crossing my hooves and hitting my head against my pillow.

I should know, because one of the cousins I was living with had an extended history browser of watching all kinds of anime. Even the ones not meant for family friendly substance.

Guessing what his desktop password were was not too hard, judging by said history and poster on his wall.

Either way with that little trip of vague descriptive detail and allot of over- excessive drama. I was once again left with nothing better to do beside procrastinating on my bed and occasionally blow a string of hair, or rather mane of my furried face.

Because Pony head hair grows like human hair apparently. A biological annoyance which even proceeds from changing from a race of assholes…to another race of assholes. Because ponies don’t seem to clearly understand the very concepts of tails in the first place. Like that gardener down below my room’s balcony. Who is again, a mare and had her tail tied up in to a tight bun.

It’s not too hard to imagine what I was referring to. Especially considering that she is a mare as well.

There IS one point that I can give Olivia for. At least she has the incentive to actually wear “something” to compensate for her short tail.

Maybe I should lessen my trolling towards her because of that.

I grinned. Nah, her personality is just too perfect to not troll her. Such adorable levels of naïvity are just so adorable to witness. But then again, she does originally came from a pretty poor family far into the country. So at least her lack of foresight is somewhat explainable.

“What to do, what to do, take a poo.” I muttered to myself, feeling the thrill of both the previous trolling and the poor excuse of a hentai flic leaving my system.

Granted it wasn’t THAT bad, but still somewhat tame from where I am from. Plus, the illustrations where in black and white too, so that is a bummer as well.

“Need to make sure to toss this thing out the window or something. Can’t have this bastardized version of a tree laying around with Octy constantly busting through those doors and asking all kinds of things from me. Can’t have minors looking at softcore porn after all, that would be scary. Look at the son of one of my old home neighbors back home. The kid eventually developed noticeable biceps on his left arm, proving to the everyone that he was actually lefty and not a righty. Bullies these days can get really crafty with their craft. It’s a good thing that I have managed to barley miss all of these “innovative” thought process of the teens these days. Otherwise I would have surely lost “ALL” of my sanity at some point. Which could have been both a good thing or a bad thing, given to who you ask.” I mindlessly mumbled. Looking at the book and contemplating if I should actually toss this shit out now, or later.

My laziness knows no bound.

See, now that I have the time to just mindlessly mumble, think, or monologue as much as I want, I am going to take full advantage of it. Granted, most of my boring time is spent thinking, mumbling or just sleeping to kill of the time. But never have been generally doing so in such a consistent level as I am doing now.

I still can’t personally get over the fact that this place lacks both TVs and the internet at the same time. Two main sources of my previous entertainment, if I wasn’t to busy watering the plants, arguing with my neighbor, playing games, or going to the mall.

All of which where also things that I am missing too. Even the only decent job I ever had of simply watering the plants or trimming the bushes has been taken away from me. Which is now being done by a Gardener down below, with very little respect towards public decencies. I might actually just throw the book in front of her so that she can make much better use of it then I can. I might even call in quote on quote “sick” for a really long time, which in turn would force my adoptive father to get someone who is more…PG friendly and “natural”.

In fact…

I immediately perked up. Picking up the book from the edge of my bed and quickly making my way over to the balcony door and opening it. Once outside, I immediately spot the very culprit that I was thinking and mumbled about before.

Miss Green hoof, the most generic name possible in regards to her talent while also being a visual threat to poor little Octy. The little filly already has someone like Olivia to lounge around and she certainly doesn’t need someone else who is even more lewd with their fashion choices.

I shall guard her mental innocence, by getting rid of the physical offense down below. Or so is the plan at least. Man, I am REALLY starting to affect the careers of others, aren’t I?

Welp, sacrifices must be made in order to fulfill the needs of social evolution. Plus, I’m bored and still very much testing the waters on things that I can and cannot do in this voodoo hoodoo cartoon world.
“For science, and a little tad bit of selfish curiosity. Do they even have fish here to begin with?” I mumbled while dropping the book and rubbing my chin in thought.

Remember, still a quadrupled here.

I eventually just shrugged. “Eh, whatever. I am sure I will get my answer to that sooner or later. For now. I have a book to throw.” I declared, picking the book back up with my hoof, and grabbing the balcony railing with the other, I heft myself upwards. My head perfectly overlooking the fancy railing and the large garden below me. But more importantly, my victim as well.

I gave an evil grin, satisfied to know that she was still at large both in doing her job and flashing me with her posterior. A sight which no foal should normally be allowed to see, but alas, I am just a foal in body. Which is why a little R and R is going to be perfect for this mare with the need of the right material.

Softcore Tentacle porn material that is. Again, softcore for human standards, but probably fappable for these horses.

“Let’s see what kind of a reaction we can get out of this horse, shall we?” I told myself, grinning as I lined up the shot before throwing the book. The tome hit true, perfectly landing right next to the bent over mare with an audible thud and an even more immediate result.

The mare yelped, jumping away from the readable projectile, and looking down at it with wide, surprised eyes. I on the other hand ducked away, to prevent myself from getting spotted of course, and taking full advantage of the thigh gaps between the supports. Which, by the way, we're made of marble too, because why not.

Everything else here already reeks of both stolen taxes and profits made of overpriced jewelries. But alas, I am just getting myself distracted, which I obviously don’t want while conducting a very important social experiment.

Either way, I kept low. Watching the mare pick up the book with great confusion and curiosity.

“What is this?” I managed to hear her say, thanks to my enhanced pony ears and what not. She looked at the book on her hoof, turning it from side to side before finally turning it towards its front cover. Her curiosity immediately turned into shock when she realized what she was holding.

“Daring do and the Temple of the Tentacles? What is such a highly limited edition of a Daring Do novel doing here? Books like these are highly sought after by simple collectors and Daring Do fans alike. These things are worth a fortune and well known. Why would anypony throw THIS away?” I heard her say, which in turn, almost causing me to choke up under my own breath when she said that this “cock block” of a novel was actually worth something.

Like actual money, and allot of it. Lots and lots of it. Which I can personally use to get my own desired goods, and maybe a whole sack of coffee too. If anyone would EVEN let me. A piece of literated treasure, that I so naively threw away in front of a green hooved gardener.

Also, did I every mention that she was literally green as well? With pink colored mane and tail to boot? Yeah, those ponies really don’t make it hard now do they?

Either way, with the realization hitting me like a freight train, I did the only sensible thing that my greedy little mind could come up with. I glared at her, climbing up onto the railing fully and positioning myself towards my target.

Watching her smile to herself and eventually stashing the book down into her saddlebacks. Looking from side to side to make sure that nobody was seeing her.

I immediately pointing a hoof at her and shouting. “Hey, that piece of a golden turd is mine. I found it first. Give me my dough or suffer the consequences, lady!” I challenged and pretty much getting the mare attention almost immediately.

She looked up with a raise eyebrow. “Your book? As far as I know, according to the old country rule of “Finders keepers”, I found it next. So that makes me the new rightful owner of this book. And besides…” She trailed off a bit. ” You seemed to be WAY too young to be owning such a piece of literature in the first place. So, I would actually be doing your parents a favor bey keeping this away from you. Today's youth is tainted by too many comics books and tabletop games anyway. Let’s not add eroticas to the mix too.” She answered, turning herself away and attempting to resume her work.

I on the other hand, was grinding my teeth. Ready to jump down and claim what I originally took when nobody was looking. Which is exactly what I did. Jumping down from the second-floor balcony and directly towards the oblivious garden mare down below. Cushioning my fall with her own plump body and knocking the ever-living wind out of her in the process.

She collapses, hitting the ground with a very audible thud and a “Oof” coming from her mouth. I didn’t rest though, as I soon commenced the actual attack of this offense. By grabbing her mane with both my teeth and hooves, and pulled hard.

“MINE, MINE, MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE. IT'S MINE.” I chanted with a mouth full of hair, pulling on her main both with my hooves and my freshly brushed teeth.

I may be rowdy, but at least I’m a clean rowdy. Even acts on assault can be done with class.

At the end of the scuffled though. I eventually managed to get back what was rightfully mine in regards to the Philippine gangster rules.

If someone takes what you stole first, then go steal it back with double the force and double the effort. Or maybe I am just making shit up.

But alas the constant pulling and rodeo riding on her back eventually lead her to capitulate. Giving me back my book while laying on the freshly cut grass exhausted.

I grinned, holding the book up high on my hoof before marching off with my head held high and my generosity low. Because the money is mine and I have stole it first. Just need to somehow find a way to cash it in so that I can start spending it all.

The age of not being able to reach the upper levels of the fridge and kitchen cabinets where truly all of the good shit is. Including my cheese. Are finally going to be over. Just need to find myself back inside and then think about my next strategy later.

If I can find myself the way back inside that is.

What is it with rich people and adding a shit ton of hedge mazes to decorate their homes with? Ridiculous, at least give the wanna be burglars a chance of breaking into your oversized shit, and lighten your purse a little.
I’m sure that they are going to have far better use of Brass’ small change than he or Olivia has.

Such selfish people, even my own adoptive parents.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Pfff…for fuck sake. Stupid mazes and what not.” I mumbled, as I re-entered my room with a frown plastered all over my furried face.

It may not have taken as long as I originally thought It would be, but it certainly still took way too much time for it to be considered comfortable.

Like 15 minutes level of the uncomfortability of constantly hitting dead ends and having to trek back and try out different paths instead. Rinse and repeat. That is until I eventually had “Die schnauze voll” and simply crawled myself under the foliage that the organic labyrinth walls were made off. If I had done that at the beginning, then I would have saved myself a lot of time and clip clops.

Though such a drastic approach had its price.

Basically, now being nothing more than a Dirt ridden, fur raffled, sticks, leaves and branches hanging every, type of mess. If I wouldn’t know any better, then I would say that a bath would certainly be a good option now in terms of entertaining myself.

Which is good, because I quite like taking baths in this home. The baths here -even mine- are just as an overkill as the rest of the mansion. Granted, they weren’t exactly very large, but they did share a lot of similarities with the rest of this estate when it comes to expenses. Being just as “exotically” decorated as the rest.

Marble, gold trimming, Ivory, you get the idea.

Either way, besides that, the real fun of taking a bath really comes to the jacuzzi sized bathtub that I have, or should I say a small private pool. Giving me, and “certainly me”, a lot of space to just chill out and enjoy the heated water and the over-excessive use of bathing soap. Bubbles, bubbles everywhere and almost quite literally. Not to mention the addition of scented candles, which are always kept stocked within the bathrooms drawers.

Taken a bath certainly has never felt so Zen before. Certainly, never with that tiny piece of shit bathtub that I used to have back home. That, and we mostly preferred using of the dedicated showers instead of the tub itself. But alas, the past is the past and the present is certainly a lot more exciting…and procrastination inducing.

I just smiled, thinking on the many hours I could ruin my fur covered skin while indulging myself with scented candles. I even managed to once skip through lunch because of that. Which made me both angry, and happy at the same time.

Hapgry I guess would be the term.

“First need to get rid of this book and store it safely somewhere where nobody, especially octy, cannot…”I tried to say, before the doors leading into my room abrupted me. Allowing a very disgruntled looking hector to trot into the room.

Yeah, I forgot to mention that he might actually be one of the main reasons as to why burglars have never bothered to bust themselves into this estate in the first place. He may be your typical English butler, but pony names were far more than just name similar to cutie marks or whatever that hippy shit is called again. Acting also has an extension of their actual character as far as I know.

Hector here can be a real beast when push comes to shove. Which he certainly proved during the last time when Octy and I were escorted off to kindergarten by him instead of Camellia.

That poor carriage driver never stood a chance when he bumped into ours and proclaimed that it was our fault and not his. Well, that is until Hector himself stepped into the fray made it VERY clear to him that it was, in fact, his fault and not ours. Never have I ever seen someone’s sense of self-esteem deteriorate so quickly.

“I thought I was seeing things, but the obvious dirt tracks you left behind, and the fact that you also look the part very much prove me otherwise. Not sure what you did outside to become so messy, but one thing is certain. This cannot stand, especially in this household in which I am tasked to look after for. Time for a bath, and no buts and ways.” He commandingly stated, giving me a look that told me that he meant what he said.

I quickly tried to hide the book behind me. A move that was quickly found out to be useless as he wasn’t really focusing on the book I was trying to hide. He instead just used his voodoo hoodoo to grab me, before carrying me towards the direction of the were the bathroom is.

I raised eyebrow. “What kind of buts and ways? When have I ever complained in regards to taking a bath?” I countered while clinging onto the book.

Front cover facing away from him of course.

He stopped for just a second, before resuming his trot. “Oh, well yes of course. Force of habit I guess. Most foals would normally be against the idea of taking a bath, same with Miss Octavia. But you…”He gave me a curious look.”…Sir Alex is certainly FAR from being your average, run in the mill foal. Nothing against that of course.” He responded, fixing her gaze back forwards while opening the bathroom door with his hoof.

I smiled. “Well that is certainly still a debate for some individuals. But it is true, I am FAR outside the definitions of normality. Makes me look a lot more…”unique” when compared to the others.” I answered before he finally sets me back down, knowing full well that I won’t try to run away because…I like those baths.

He just went over to the previously mentioned jacuzzi of a bathtub and began fiddling with the valves with his voodoo hoodoo, which in turn, caused steaming water to exit from one of its outlets.

Yes, they were outlets, not your traditional faucets, just outlets. Nicely carved and golden trimmed holes in the wall with valves above them. Not complaining of course. At least it makes the whole wall look a little bit more cleaner to look at.

Eventually, he turned around. “Alright, a few more minutes and your bath should be ready. Would you like the same set of bathing soap and scented candles?” He professionally asked, in his superb British accent no less which I could easily listen to all day.

Did I ever mention that I am a sucker for accents?
I held my head high and responded. Making myself look posh while sounding the par as well. “’Well yes of course, what kind of a ridiculous question is that? You should have long memorized my bathing preferences right about now, dear Hector old house. Just preposterous.” I responded, giving my own best British noble impression.

It worked, because all he did was rolled his eyes and smiled. He is one of the only cool horses so far. Someone who has no problem of going along with my antics. Granted he still get confused just like anyone else, but he chucks it up pretty well, which I should both give him respect…and a challenging expression for.

Because I prefer my audience to be a lot more like Olivia and a lot less like Hector.

He eventually stepped to the side. “Anyways, my lord…” He added that with a bow. ”The bath is ready for you. Also remember to scrub your cutie mark as well as it is just as badly ruffled as the rest of your young master posterior. Don’t want you to miss about the opportunity to brag about your early cutie mark towards the other foals and even adults, now would you?” He commented, raising from his bow.

I just raspberry. “As if, I am certainly not as family offensive as some of the ponies out there in the streets. So, no, I am totally fine about not shoving my ass at everyone’s face. Mostly because I cannot reach that high up with my ass anyway without using the likes of chairs or tables. But the day shall come, mark my words.” I responded. Climbing into the bath and simply allowing myself to drop directly into the water and causing a small, but still respectable splash in the end.

Respectable enough for Hector’s suit to get hit, and for him to pull out a handkerchief, (or is it hoofkerchief?) out of nowhere and drying the spot off.

He then raised and eyebrow after I re-emerged from the water. “Huh…how come that there are so many bubbles forming on the surface of the water already? I haven’t even added the bathing soap yet.” He questioned, looking at me and the bottle of soap next to the bath itself questionably.

I smiled. “Well that’s easy. I farted.” I casually replied as more and more bubbles where collecting on the surface around me.

His face twisted with disgust, before bringing his handkerchief up to his snout. “I will just pour in the bathing soap then, and eliminate the stench that way. Your bowels really are a mystery sometimes, Sir Alex.” He commented.

I just grin, letting lose another set of impulses which in turn created more bubbles.

“Well, at least the water now feels even more warmer than it did before. So at least there is one positive to this.” I thought to myself.

I guess eating a lot of cheese will do that to you. But I have always treated it more as an asset rather than an annoyance. The amount of times where I was able to get some free extra seats around me is certainly a plus.

More space for me to slouch around.

Author's Note

Just a little filler chapter focusing on Alexanders daily exploits for shenanigans and trolling.

If you want more of those I could reply, by doing more of them.

Also here is his cutie mark, very basic, but still speaks volume about his character.