A Canterlot for a Unicorn

Chapter 3: Ich will nicht in die Klapsmühlen…noch nicht.

“Who knew that death can lead to Hobo-hood?” I thought to myself as I woke up from my uncomfortable made shift bed, made out of papers and piled up cardboard.

It had been a few days since I woke up this new afterlife of mine. An afterlife that quickly sucked donkey ass as I soon found out. Even though this world was allot more colorful and…smooth lined in comparison to the one I just left because of irresponsible family members and lack of sleep, this was -in the end- all that this world has in improvements. These horses, or quote on quote PONIES as I found out sooner than later by eavesdropping on certain conversations where even more self-centered assholes then my own goddam math teacher back in high school, minus the self-centered part which is WHY it’s worse.

This is one of the only places where giving me a flamethrower would be a really bad idea, simply because of the fact that I might just actively run with it like an even greater lunatic then I’m already am and shouting things like “burn it with fire”.

One of the reason why you should never let me visit Australia, because I fucking hate there overgrown Spiders.

Anyway thankfully it where just the once with the fancy clothes that acted like that with the naked once being the perfect models of a decent, justified member of society. Or ponyciety or whatever you like to slang it.

Funny how I am now openly preferring hippies at this point.

Either way it was thanks to said hippies that I at least managed to get some food and water into me by using my incredible charm and new found added perks of diabetes in fur to aww and oooh the much larger variant of my new species into a sense of pity.

I also managed to learn that these talking rainbow colored horses where speaking perfectly English as well for some random reason or chance as well. Like why? I am literally in a completely different world filled with wonders and real hoodoo woodoo to beat it off if the abilities these unicorn preformed is anything legit. Yet this world speaks the same language as the Amis and the Brits do.

Why? If English is on the table then why not French as well? Or German? Or Swedish or maybe even fucking Hentai Japanese with their helium inhaled female voices? If we are going with the “most spoken language approach” that this wheel of chance seems to be operating with then shouldn’t these living crayons be speaking in Mandarin?

I mean there are allot more yellow peoples speaking ching chang chong then there are capitalist racists speaking tea time and biscuits.

Furthermore why does EVERYTHING has to speak and understand fucking English in the first place? No matter what universe or species we are talking about in the realms of fantasies or sci-fi, or whatever crazy nonsensical rules this world seems to operate with…everybody speaks English no matter what.

What is it with the universe and English anyway? Even diploma nerds say it’s a flawed language, and I had so much trouble learning this piece of crap back when I was still picking my nose in a regular bases. It’s like….AHHHHHHHHHHH

With my regular morning rants out of the way I forced myself to focus on the task at hand in regards to my still somewhat problematic situation.

Like trying to steal myself some DAMN coffee from one of those Cafés that these equine seem to love so much. I am so longing for a cup of coffee now, especially given all of this bull. I have my mug with me but no means to use it other than as a temporary helmet.

“Now that I am thinking about it. Do these ponies even have cheese? I could use some as well.” I thought while pushing myself on all fours.

Oh and also I managed to learn how to have a better grasp on my new four legged nature. Having to sit like a dog now and crapping like one as well…not the most rewarding feeling I have to say.

Either way, today seems to be once more another day of trying to control the pity of ponies around me and maybe even get some coffee my only mug.

But then again, I doubt they would give a “child” some caffeine in the first place. I did it once to one of my out town cousins (I have allot of them) for SCIENCE reason…and the results where…predictable. He became hype and couldn’t sleep in the same day which forced him spend an all-nighter by himself. Really nothing CRAZY or goofy like you see in cartoons.

But hey at least he had some Netflix to watch the whole night. So overall an experiment which ended in total and absolute success in my books.

Anyway, enough flashbacking. The stupid sun is shining and I have a full day of exploring to do and trying to brainwash more natives for my upcoming army of Care Bears horse clones to take over the world and them march on the gates of Carealot and watch it BURN.

I will make those Care Bears CARE for their lives once my conquest has been completed. I shall either smite them with my superior sugar rush or just use my own hoodoo voodoo to WHOO them into submission.

Yes, it did not escaped me that MY race can perform sparkle, sparkles with their horns. A horn that I have too, but no means of using it for obvious reasons.

I blame my sentimentality of skipping every MAGIC tutorial in every RPG. Why, because all I ever wanted to do was shot lighting out of my fingertips like a Sith that’s why. You don’t need a tutorial for that.

With all though said and done I placed my mug onto my head, balanced my tablet on my back and practice my “looking really pathetic” expression in front of a reflective scrap of alloy before heading out from my little alley corner in the search of more pry. Normally rubbing some gunk and dirt onto my fur would help make you look even more pathetic, but living on the streets for a few days already has accumulated enough shit on me that I really don’t need to do that anymore.

Plus I haven't washed it off ever since as well. See how well fucking nature can sometimes do sometimes right instead of all of the bull she mostly loves to pull.

I didn’t take me two steps out of the alley when my train of thought and lack of focus once more almost got me floored for the second time. Though this time by the unpredictable collision with another pony, or more like me causing said pony to trip on me while knocking me flat onto the ground at the same time.

Why is this relevant? Well it isn’t, just annoying to say the least, and painful too.

“Uff…watch where you are going. For the love of…” My “Rambock” argued before first laying her eyes on me.

She was a blue pony. A mare if my knowledge of horses is to be trusted, with orange hair and a horn jutting out from her locks. Another Unicorn, just like the majority of pones I have seen so far.

I say so far because I have seen hornless once before, but there were few and far between from what I can tell.

I glared up at her while she just looked down with shock and a huge level of concern when she realized that I was just a kid…a kid covered in all kinds of shit.

“Oh by Celestia a foal. A little foal living in the streets?” She exclaimed while quickly getting up on all fours.

I was about to retort to her before I realized that I couldn’t. Either I was too young or I my new vocal cords were just unable to really produce any speech which was both strange and a bit concerning on my part.

How the hell can I annoy those around me or tell peoples to piss off when I can’t verbally do so. Can’t do that with my hands either because I don’t have any fucking hands anymore, so no more flipping the bird towards peoples for me.

Bloody fantastic. How can I pick my nose now? Serious real life crises peoples, you can place your marriages and family issues down the junk bucket, because if a man loses his ability to pick his nose similar to a woman unable to go shopping in her favorite mall then you know shit is real. That or maybe losing access to his favorite show on television. Don’t know which one is worse. But then again, I never had the issue of the former because of the internet.

While all of those distracting and very common thoughts were running through my noggin, the mare seem to have took my sense of silence as a sign that maybe something was wrong, or maybe something was wrong with ME to be more accurate.

Why, well because she immediately began to bend down and closely look at me. Even going so far as to rest a hoof on my left cheek.

“Whoa there lady, stranger danger, STRANGER DANGER!!!”

“By Celestia you look all scrapped, dirty and a bit malnourished too, and you look barley to be five in age.” She went on while completely looking me over.

I would have loved to make a remark on how all the ladies love to get close to me when the whole “being barely 5” part quickly stole my attention instead. Never would I have guessed that I might have been THAT young to begin with.

I mean sure, I am tiny compared to all of these adults but still. Being barely old enough to fit into kindergarten was really something to think about. Manley in how smart I will feel when surrounded by equally aged kids for the first time.

For the first time, I will the smartest kid in class and not that weird out of town teacher’s pet who always gets straight A’s and gets bullied by those who prefer sports instead of math. Only difference NOW is that I will chew those bullies out while not giving too much of a shit about most of school except for maybe history classes.

I am a sucker for history after all.

Either way the mare continued to go on about invading my personal private space and touching this and that until her need for child molesting finally stopped. A look of realization flashing through her blue head before frantically starting to look around herself in the search of something…or someone to be precise.

“uhm…ex…excuse me sir but…may I have your time for a moment?” She called out towards a stallion working in one of the Cafés dominating this street.

The stallion in question wearing your typical French waiter outfit looked up from whatever he was doing before trotting his way closer to the blue mare.

“Well sure I guess. What is it that I can help you with?” He responded in a very obvious accent that just made me raise an eyebrow.

“So they do have French in this world.”

The mare nods before pointing a hoof at me. “Do you perhaps know who this foal is and to whom it might belong to? He looks as if the poor little fella has been leaving in the streets for years.” She questioned, which in turn caused the stallion to look down at me.

A look of know how crosses his features. To be honest I do remembering seeing him too from time to time when I go a bother the honest citizens of this place about my problems and plight by forcing them to ignore their own.

The ones who aren’t jerks of course. They can fully keep their own problems for all I care.

“Oh yes him, I do know him.” He exclaimed. “This foal has been around these streets since the start of this week, trotting around all alone and silently begging passing ponies and even some customers for some food and drinks. I personally have no idea who he is or where he is from, but I always suspected that there was something more…pressing about this child here.” He explained which in turn caused the mare to look at the stallion in shock.

“So does this mean that nopony is responsible for this foal and that he might be a lonely and abandoned orphan all together?” She question further.

The stallion nods. “I believe so, I mean I have seen the little guy constantly retreat back into that backstreet alley over there whenever he received food.” He pointed out.

The mare just continued to look on shocked before quickly being replaced with pity as her gaze landed back on me.

I just gave her the “so what now” look in return before she surprised me by suddenly picking me up from the ground with her fore hooves.

Once more stranger danger.

“Oh you poor colt, how and why would anypony ever abandon their foal like this is just beyond me, and quiet disgusting as well.” She announced with a look of disgust at the last part.

“Well then it’s a good thing you somehow managed to stumble…or well caused ME to stumble upon you in the first place. I know you might not fully understand what I am saying to you at the moment but you are looking at the headmistress of Canterlot's first and only Orphanage. You will be in much better hoofs then out here in the harsh and unforgiving streets of Canterlot.” She happily explained and giving me a smile at the end.

That news though had the completely opposite reaction in me as she was most likely expecting. A feeling of dread welling up inside me.

“Oh no, not the fucking orphanage.” I thought as the typical and common depictions of orphanages in both movies and games flooded my mind.

Not to mention all of these KIDS. I mean I have nothing against them but even I have my limits. Unbelievable I know.

All of those thoughts about abusive caretakers and Nazi like propaganda are flooding through my mind as the now know headmistress placed me on her back to carry me off into this world's version of Hell.

Maybe I am being a bit to dramatic about the “hell” part but I really don’t want to go into an orphanage, pedophilia is not my fetish.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I don’t want to go there, if I wanted I would have gone there since the beginning and not bother myself to beg for food.” I Screamed in my mind as my mouth only did some weird grunting sounds.

Also she was about to leave behind my stuff as well. I don’t care where she takes me but I am NOT leaving without MY stuff. Where the hell am I going to drink my coffee from in the future?

I did the only sensible thing that I could think of at the moment, pulling her main really hard with my teeth and causing her to almost reel back like an actually horse.

Well she is a horse technically, just tiny, more colorful and WAY more talkative.

She twist her head back towards me with a glare. “Hey, just because you are a abandoned foal doesn’t mean that…” She tried to chide me before she noticed my own Glare and my gesture towards my things.

She blinked, before quickly understanding what I was trying to tell her.

“Wait…these things are yours?” She questioned stupidly which in turn caused me to facepalm mentally.

“Yes of course they are mine you blue Care Bear rip off.” I mentally screamed. I might now be on my way to a bloody orphanage run by either former prison wardens or self-inflicted pedophiles. But that still doesn’t mean that I am willing to allow myself to be bored out of my mind by not having my tablet with me which at least has some games, movies and songs stowed away inside its SD card. Battery won’t be an issue either simply because I quickly found out that the battery meter on the things was doing the “charging” animation nonstop ever since I got here.

Why? How? I don’t know and honestly I don’t care either. Things that are convenient are convenient and buffs are always welcomed in my book.

I just nod which did the trick. She quickly fired up her glow stick and perform her telekinesis on both of my things as they lazily came hovering towards us. I quickly grabbed them from midair which in turned surprised my new warden as her magic swiftly cuts out around my mug and tap. She just gave me another displeasing look before simply trotting along with me now sitting on her back.

“Great, ending up in a mental house faster than I have anticipated. Don’t care if it is just an orphanage or not. Having to deal with so many kids is surely going to test my own sanity. Even If I am a kid myself. I really wish I had some Coffee now.” I thought as my fate and destination where pretty much sealed at this point.

“Oh and by the way, my name is Deep Care in case you are wondering.” She suddenly introduced herself.

I just raised an eyebrow at that while leaning myself against her neck. “Deep care huh? Definitely a Pedophile then.” I thought to myself with pressed lips.

Besides being the equine version of care bears they now also have hippie names as well.

I blame my cousin for all of this.