How Bardock Got His Groove Back

A familiar scene plays before you…

A lone renegade stands on the precarious of global annihilations, the grim punctuation to his warrior race...

‘You know the funny thing is Bardock, even if you had seen this coming, there was nothing you could have done about it.’ The tyrant Freeza spoke.

‘You have no god damn idea…’ Bardock muttered.

And so with a mocob flash of blinding light, the howling laughter of a blood parched tyrant echoing threw his mind, so ends the tale of Bardock...

. . . .

It was just turning to midnight in a small town on Earth, the quiet streets, the lampposts turning on there flickering lights, a rhythmic of nights brutal romantic conquest over daylight. All was well as a teenager staying at a friend's home for a school break was now going to bed. This man was David, an average joe if you ever saw him. He made good grades, had great friends and family, life seemed to spare him it's twisted sense of cruelty.

David had just finished watching a Teamfourstar Bardock Episode It took awhile to watch it all but they was impressed by the display. Eventually David went to bed dreaming of being as cool as Bardock.

This is the part where David realizes his little fantasy...however, all wishes have a price. Fire trucks appeared on a home in that neighborhood. It seems that a commercial airplane had lost an engine and had to make an emergency landing, thankfully all the passengers made it to safer, not the case with David.

The plane’s engine had in fact dropped right on top of the sleeping David, crushing him into a fine fleshy paste, then exploded and set fire to the home... David died that day. Some say that he found peace in the better place.

. . . .

It was a sunny warm summer’s day in Ponyville square. The idle chatter of the town’s ponies and the clacking of hooves on the cobblestones of the little town's streets were the only sounds that permeated the air. All around where little houses with thatched roofs, brick and stucco walls, and happy ponies in the doorways. Vendors called to ponies from behind their stalls and in front of their carts. The smell of baked goods and fresh produce wafted from every corner.

Within the town’s center was now Twilight’s Castle, a large beautiful building made from mystical crystal like substance, and filled with the amenities a Princess of Friendship like Twilight Sparkle could ever want. Twilight was reading a lovely novel in her study when a knock on the door caught her attention. She quickly, ran to the door to find the mail mare Ditzy had come to drop off a message. After greeting and thanking Ditzy, Twilight took the message to her study to read it. The Princess sat in her comfortable chair and began to read.

Dear Twilight.

I have felt a strange disturbance within the Everfree forest, it is nothing too alarming however it was made sending you mail the normal way temporarily out of service, but I would like you to keep an eye out for anything odd or strange and report it to me as soon as possible.

You’re Friend.
Princess Celestia.

. . . .

David awoke to his general surprise as he felt the earth beneath.

"W-where am I? Am I alive? I feel... weak. What happened? The last thing I remember was sleeping in my bed. I think?” David slowly began to open his eyes. He lifted his head and looked around him. The only two things he could see in this fog were trees, and grass. 'Why am I in a forest?' David slowly began to lift the rest of his body.

Did I die?! And what the fuck!!” David looked down at his body to find out he was now Bardock, well a naked Bardock.

“Oh god, am I in Hell?!” David asked.

David stumble through forest in search of some kind of clothes to use. Progressively a feeling overtakes David. Something feels different, the air was surprisingly clean and pure.

After what felt like an hour of walking barefoot in the forest, the young man finally found an opening in the forest wall. What he saw made them very concerned, as before them was a vast luscious landscape of various colors and in the middle of it was a primitive town, like something out of a old cartoon. David heard a noise and hid behind a tree. David peaked around to see something truly horrific. A pastel yellow colored pony, it was picking some wild berries as it scooted away leaving David unnoticed.

‘Crap…I can’t tell if I’m in hell or somewhere worse. I better follow this candy colored freak to find out.’ This slowly built a case that he may not be in hell…maybe.

David follow the little Pegasus, making sure to keep a safe distance from it. The Pegasus lead David to a little cottage where it opened the door and went inside with a few cute animals following it. David noticed some cloth hanging on a drying wire, sneaking up to them he took a few piece to make into a loincloth. David then ran back into the forest, hoping this was just a really bad dream.

. . . .

In the few days since the now Saiyan David had appeared in the forest, he took to resting within a secluded cave he stumbled upon. David thank his good fortune that he took survival training from boy scouts. There was a river with clean water that he could boil in a stone bowl he had carved out with a dull rock, fresh fish to eat, and a few wild berries that he had collected on the edge of the forest. The water from the river tasted very pleasant, and the meager meal that had been collected wasn’t horrid either.

“Well this is a fucking great mess.” David still had the problem of only wearing a loincloth made from that fabric he took from the pony thing and he was cold.

“If it get any colder, I could use my rock hard nipples as a pair of chopsticks…fucking freezing.”

‘Freeza!!!’

David grabbed his head in pain as a loud scream echoed in his mind. Tears began to pour out of his eyes as the same word was screamed over and over.

‘Freeza!!!’

“For Fuck’s sake shut up!!” David’s little bit of patience snapped.

‘Who the hell are you?! Why do you look like me?!’

“Bardock?”

‘How do you know my name, am I dead, is this hell?’ Bardock was confused as David tried to calm him down.

“Look, let’s just say I’ve heard of you…and you did die…and I think I did too.”

‘So is this hell?’

“I don’t know…I woke up in this forest looking like you and…well.”

‘What?’

“Did they ever have multicolored ponies on planet Vegeta?”

‘Are you high or just really stupid?’

“Hey I know what I saw…weird colored ponies living in medieval style houses.” David slowly realized how crazy that sounded.

‘Great, just fucking great, I’m in a hell that sounds like a pixie vomited a rainbow, I can’t use my own body cause some freak is in control of it and… why am I naked?!’

“You're...We...I’m not naked, I’m wearing a loincloth...Look, let me show you” David got a small sack of supplies, just in case, and traveled to the cottage.

. . . .

Within the small, quaint wooden cottage outside of ponyville, Fluttershy, the yellow Pegasus sleeps peacefully in her large oak bed next to her pet rabbit friend, Angel, who was tweaking while dreaming. Eventually the sun’s rays awoke her and Angel, the duo began making their way to the kitchen. Fluttershy had prepared some warm oatmeal for herself and a fresh carrot for Angel, unaware of the creature looking in her kitchen window.

“See, a pony in a cottage.”

‘Oh god…’

“Now that you’ve calmed down, let’s go back to the cave.”

. . . .

It was now late in the afternoon as two fillies wandered into the Everfree Forest. Now usually it would be three fillies traipsing into the forest as they usually do, but this time was a bit different. In fact, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon found themselves playing the ‘adventurous fillies’ today.

“This is so annoying, why are we walking around here for? Everything is so dirty in here.” Whined Diamond Tiara.

“You're the one who wanted to prove you're just as ‘adventurous’ as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.” Silver Spoon had a point.

“I'm next time I have an idea like that, for the love of Celestia, slap me until I’m about as smart as Apple Bloom.”

The two fillies trotted for some time until they heard a rustling in the bushes nearby. Out of curiosity, they looked inside. There was a small pack of Diamond Dogs, each of which was checking their equipment and sharpening their spears. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were about to slowly back away when they were grabbed.

“Look what I found.” The one Diamond Dog said to the pack.

“Little ponies…” another Diamond Dog took them and put them in a net sack.

The fillies screamed but they were too far away from town for any other pony to hear them.

. . . .

“What was that noise?” David stopped in his tracks as the sound of faint screaming caught his attention.

‘Probably just something being torn to shreds by something. Huh, that reminds me, we're hungry...let’s get back to the cave that way we can discuss the pecking order in this relationship.’

“I’m going to check it out.”

After shuffling through the forest, David arrived to see too little pony children in a sack being held hostage by what looked like dog people. The Diamond Dogs brought their spears up when they saw the strange monkey thing. David was going to try and talk his way out of this, but then he had a small headache and Bardock took control. Of course the Diamond Dogs attacked. To their dismay, Bardock easily dodged the spears they threw at him before he then proceeded to run up to the first Diamond Dog and hit it once, sending it flying into the air. The Saiyan then backflipped over the pack and one by one, beat the living fuck out of them.

It took a minute, but Bardock easily defeated the now unconscious Diamond Dogs. Once the fight was over, Bardock’s headache and David found himself in control of the body once more. David was impressed by Bardock’s fighting skills as he walked to the frightened fillies and let them out of the net.

“There you go, no need to thank me.” David said, taking all the credit for the fight.

In mere seconds, a rock hit David in the head, knocking him out. Clearly Diamond Tiara was showing her gratitude. The two fillies looked upon the unconscious monkey thing and decided to drag him to Fluttershy’s cottage, that way they could figure out what to do with him.

“If he could beat up those nasty diamond dogs so easily, why couldn't he dodge a rock?” Silver Spoon muttered as she dragged him by his arms.

“Eeyup, he should have dodged.” Diamond Tiara retorted.