PoSiE II: A Typical Replaced Fic

by SirNotAppearingInThisFic

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1111

A decidedly crappy take on the Replaced genre.

A collection of moments in the life of Spike.

Reading the first PoSiE is not required for this story. It would, however, give you an idea of why you should leave your expectations for any amount quality beyond "crappy" here before you proceed.

Special thanks to Bugsydor again for approving/polishing this turd. (This story was also written very late at night.)

Published 2017-07-21 05:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-21 05:50:05 UTC

Spike Gets Replaced by a PoS (and Nothing Changes)

Fields of popping corn, cotton candy clouds, and chocolate milk rain definitely weren’t normal features of the Ponyville ecosystem. They seemed to be resistant to Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s attempts to rectify them, as well. But the book she had said that was no matter.

“Don't worry, everyone,” she announced to her friends at Sweet Apple Acres. “I've learned a new spell that'll fix everything.”

She charged her horn and sent a bright, sparkly pink burst of magic into the surrounding space. A herd of giraffe-bunnies stomped by some distance away, but otherwise nothing happened.

“My fail-safe spell... failed. What do we do?” Twilight glanced around. “Spike? Where’d you— Oh, there you are.”

As it happened, Spike blended in with the puddles of chocolate rain unnervingly well.

Twilight floated the Element of Loyalty onto Spike with her magic. “Congratulations, Spike, you're the new Rainbow Dash. Now let's go!”

Spike didn’t move, probably because he didn’t like the idea of impersonating Rainbow Dash. He smelled rather nervous.

Twilight turned back to give him a brief glare. “Too bad, you're Rainbow Dash.” To the rest of her friends, she called, “Now let's go defeat Discord so we don't ever have to talk to each other again!”

Everypony but Rarity cheered and charged out of the library. Rarity, it seemed, wouldn’t go anywhere without Tom.

Some ponies were attached to the strangest things.

Twilight gave the stitching that secured the bells to her costume one last check. It simply wouldn’t do to to have any part of her Starswirl the Bearded costume fall apart during its premier Nightmare Night. Or really ever.

Satisfied, she made her way down the starts to show Spike. He was already in his own costume, a silly purple-and-green baby dragon, when she got downstairs. She posed for him to notice her flawless and period-accurate costume, complete with beard.

He said nothing, so she took up another pose. And another. After the fourth pose, it was clear he didn’t actually recognize who she was dressed up as. “I'm Star Swirl the Bearded! Father of the amniomorphic spell? Did you even read that book I gave you about obscure unicorn history?”

Spike didn’t reply out of poorly-concealed shame. Twilight rolled her eyes, and Spike rushed to get the door when the knock of the first and last group of trick-or-treaters came. For some reason, only one group ever came by each year. Twilight didn’t think Spike’s costume was that scary. Regardless, it worked in her favor. She would rather roam the streets and teach ponies about Starswirl than stay homebound dishing out hoofful after hoofful of candy corn.

The day had gone to shit rather literally. Spike’s birthday had started like most birthdays; Twilight had given him a book, and Spike acted like it was no big deal even though she knew he loved them. Her second present had started a chain of events that led to the fifty-hoof tall pile of dragon dung that assaulted Ponyville with its foul stench.

All she had done was ask her friends, and a couple of other choice ponies in town, to be sure to acknowledge his existence and treat him like a normal pony at least once that day. A couple of presents and several shoes consumed later, she had taken Spike to see Zecora, because he was about twice the size he normally was, and smelled at least three times as bad. Zecora’s response was a rhyme about the slippery slope of greed and how it can bring the worst out of anyone and told her that she had to stop the cycle if she wanted ‘normal’ Spike back.

Twilight made a mental note to keep Spike from being in the spotlight for extended periods of time as soon as she figured out how to turn him back; he smelled really bad after he’d warmed up to it.

The line of ponies took one more step forwards. Twilight and Spike were now only eight ponies away from the kiosk.

“Isn't this exciting, Spike?” asked Twilight, who had generally kept a smile plastered on her face. “Opening day of cider season!”

Spike didn’t reply, because he didn’t really care for cider, and waiting in line was a crappy experience for him every time.

Twilight ran frantically around the Starswirl wing of the library. The time-stopping spell had to be in there somewhere, and she had less than half an hour before the sun rose, and then it would be Tuesday morning that Equestria would face a disaster like none it had ever seen before. Scroll after scroll yielded only disappointment and a plethora of beard-lengthening, burrito-summoning, and toilet-cleaning spells. She did her best not to think about the technicality that “Tuesday” started at midnight.

Pinkie, for her part, wasted no time looking for whatever it was that would make Twilight happy. Some sort of spell, probably.

Spike was still examining his first scroll, his ice cream cone occupying most of his attention.

Twilight’s Number One ASSistant Exposed

Spike is a Piece of Dragon Shit

So proclaimed Gabby Gums in the latest issue of the Foal Free Press. After weeks of secrets, gossip, and conspiracy theories, Ponyville had started to lose interest. This issue was the final flush as the paper re-attained ‘sewer’ status by, once again, pointing out the obvious.

Twilight eyed the paper distastefully. “Shit” was a harsh word, and rather profane for a school newspaper. Spike preferred “dung” anyway. In a long, fluid motion, Twilight picked up the newspaper and flushed it down the toilet. That’s what ponies meant when they said something went down the toilet, right?

Back in the library, Spike sat in a bean bag chair with his own copy of the paper.

Trixie definitely had her smug turned up to eleven. “You and I have some unfinished business. My magic's gotten better since I was here last. And I'm going to prove it! Me and you, a magic duel. Winner stays, loser leaves Ponyville forever!”

“Forget it! I'd never make a deal like that!” Twilight turned away. Trixie might bother a few more ponies, but surely she’d lose interest before long—

“Hm. Your choice.”

Spike was in Trixie’s magical grasp now. With a ‘poof’ a second later, a toilet appeared, and a smirking Trixie floated Spike directly over the bowl and raised an eyebrow. Judging by the smell, Spike was clearly afraid.

“I hope you know your toilet-cleaning spells, Twilight.”

Twilight blushed, but quickly recovered. “Stop! Nopony is allowed to treat my friends like crap but me. Trixie, you’re on.”