A Bundle of misfortune

My hand trembled while I brought the pregnancy test to my face all air left my lungs. I stared at the object; finally my lungs inflated, my chest expanded, and I screamed. I went crazy when I saw the two bars. I threw the stick trying to deal with the pain of my discovery. My hand ripped through my hair, pulling out strands. The screams ripped out of my throat, each fighting to be first. The noise surrounded me, driving me insane. A deafening mind numbing noise, I physically couldn't stop screaming. I scratched and scratched my stomach leaving red welts along my abdomen. Blood and skin stuck under my fingernails.

I continued yelling, throwing trinkets and makeup from the sink onto the floor, some broke on the floor leaving shards and powder. I fell to my knees, my breath labored. My heart was tired and I had finally stopped screaming, my throat burned. I looked at myself in the mirror, my hair looked limp, my cheeks hollow and my eyes sad and haunted. I punched that mirror, shattering it, leaving a warped image of myself. I cried out when the shards pierced my skin leaving blood smeared on the broken mirror; blood dripped from my shaking hand. My eyes turned wild and fearful. I rushed from the bathroom into the kitchen, my vision blurred with tears. I ripped through the drawers, silverware clattering as it hit the floor. I lifted my shirt and grabbed the knife, the grip slipped, my blood slick on the handle, but I drew it above my head and aimed for the baby forming inside my body. I didn’t want it!

“Stop!!” Ivory grabbed the knife and threw it across the room. He grabbed my face, “I’m here I shouldn’t have left you alone. This is all my fault, I’m so sorry.” He enveloped me, his warmth, his kindness was so comforting. His face was twisted with concern, and I felt his tears drop onto my face, then all at once, my body relaxed. I cried big fat tears. They run down my face and I feel my nose dripping. It felt as if my lungs were burning. I was so glad he came for me, I needed him. Silver and Sapphire arrived minutes after Ivory called them. They all care so much for me. How could I have been so blind? Every person in this room cared for me so much. How would I ever repay them?

Sapphire was the first to leave the -four person- embrace. She took out her cell phone, swiping at her cheeks, and called 911. Within twenty minutes, they arrived. Several men came, helping me to a gurney and asking multiple health questions. Once I reached the hospital, nurses rushed me in, they did several tests to check the severity of my injuries and the baby’s health.

Ivory had hurt his hand grabbing the knife, so his right hand had been stitched up and wrapped with a thick bandage. When I arrived, they drew blood and carefully removed the glass from my hands and legs. Afterwards, they performed an ultrasound on me, smearing cold gel on my stomach. While the gel felt strange, the temperature helped to reduce the pain. My stomach was red, irritated and sensitive from what I had done earlier. After hours of tests, the baby was determined to be unharmed and I, thankfully, hadn't tried to kill it by downing random pills. My hands and legs were fully concealed with dressings. They'd applied cream to speed up the healing process and relieve pain. Then I had to spend another hour sitting with a therapist.

“Are you awake? I would knock but you know; can I come in?” A few tears fell as I saw his bandaged hands. He sighed loudly and gingerly grabbed a chair. He stared at the floor for a bit, leaving his hands on the edge of the bed. I entwined our fingers together, and more tears came.

“I’m sorry, I-It felt as if the world was closing in on me. I thought the only way to stop the pain and the fears was to end everything.” I sniffled loudly. “It was as if the world was silent and deafening all at once, as if my whole body was caving in on itself.” For a moment, the room was silent. He covered his face as he sat up and cried. For several minutes, every noise in the room consisted of either medical beeps or crying.

Finally, his sobs lessened to occasional gasps. “I love you.” When he stated, he exposed his puffy face and red eyes. “Don't leave me, I need you in my life. If you ever need anything, please, just come to me. I will always do my best to make you happy, to protect you… Please?” He grabbed me, gently pressing his face against my stomach. “I’m so glad I was able to make it in time. Please don’t scare me again. I was able to save you and the baby this time, but don’t do this again. You’ll end up worrying me to death.” He laughed softly looking up at me. He reached and wiped a stray tear from my flushed cheeks. “You are the center of my world; what would I do if you left me.”

I was kept in the hospital for a few days to make sure there were no problems with my body and that I wouldn't try to injure myself again. Ivory still wanted to love the baby, but when I pictured that baby, I also saw my rapists. I could feel bile in the back of my throat if I thought about them. I could handle giving birth to it, but I know I could never fully love it. Pregnancy was going to be long and difficult, but now I had remembered that I had people that I could rely on. Thinking about it now, I would have been sad if I never saw Moon again. I hadn’t told Ivory yet, but when I bring the baby into the world, I don't think I could keep it.