Twilight Becomes a Gangsta and Everypony Notices

by All Art Is Quite Useless

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3392

There's beef in the ends of Ponyville. Will T rise above, or will she get chiefed up by even bigger g's?

There's beef in the ends of Ponyville. Will T rise above, or will she get chiefed up by even bigger g's?

(I really should be sorry about this, but I'm not. Warning, gratuitous amounts of British slang ahead, read at your own risk. Curious about what the heck a roadman is? Linky link here.)

Cover art here.

Published 2017-07-23 22:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-23 22:30:06 UTC

Shout goin' out 2 the Harmony Massiv

Twilight adjusted her 'CL' boxhat, making sure it didn't rest uncomfortably on her horn. When she was satisfied, she gave herself some sick evils in the mirror --seeking to remind herself just how hard she was-- before levitating a small saddlebag onto her flanks and exiting her bedroom, some skippy hip hop instrumental banging in the background.

Twilight let an authoritative growl creep into her tone as she approached the centre of the hallway. "Yo, Drake!" Spike scampered into view in the span of fifteen seconds.

"Oi, listen yeah," Twilight snarled, "If I call you don't be taking five years and dat yeah? Man's got bigger shit to do then sit around waiting for you fam, you feel me?"

Spike winced, he still wasn't used to the sudden and profound change in Twilight's vernacular. "Uhh, y-yes, Twilight, I'm sorry, I think?."

Twilight's voice became shrill. "Oh my days! How many times have I gotta tell you, innit? It's 'T', yeah? T, you understand me?"

Spike's patience was quickly growing thin. "Alright, T, then. Anyway, what do you want?"

"Cancel my meetings today, yeah? Man's on a movement ting out here, ain't got no time for that bullshit, you get me?"

Spike scratched his head with a claw. "I... Get you? Uhh, I think so, at least."

"A'ight well I'm gonna bowl down the SC and link up with the gyaldem." She re-straightened her boxhat again, as if its perfect angling made a statement or something.

"Uhh... Riiiight. Have fun!" Spike grinned, happy to be rid of her for a few hours.

Twilight nodded indifferently, heading towards the door. "Yeah yeah, safe, in a bizzle, bless."

Spike facepalmed.

***

"Oi, move man!" Twilight shouted a scruffy stallion out of her way, "Why you tryin' ta move to me and that, anyway? Swear down I've seen you with your babymums round 'ere, doubt she'd be happy to hear 'bout this, ya know."

The stallion went to open his mouth, likely to explain that he'd never tried to hit on her in the first place, only ask for directions.

"I don't wanna hear your wasteman chat up lines!" Twilight barked, teleporting straight past him, leaving a very confused stallion behind her.

When she appeared, she was straight outside Sugarcube Corner. Wasting no time, she burst the doors open --causing most everyone to look at her-- and struck a powerful pose.

She quickly spotted her friends sitting at a table on the far side of the room, Pinkie beckoning her over with a hoof. Taking her time, she began strutting across the room, taking twice as long as necessary to finally arrive at the table and take her seat.

Rainbow was alight with laughter; Rarity looked concerned. "Oi twotwo's yeah, get this: I was cutting down the road yeah and you know that boy Jerome?" Twilight was met with blank stares, apparently they didn't know who Jerome was. "Anyway, this boy Jerome yeah, he starts tryin'na put the moves on me and dat like he's some kinda badman! Like sorry Casanova but this princess has standards, you get me?" Twilight kissed her teeth, allowing disbelief to creep into her tone, "Tryin'na draw me with your greasy mane and your beat up horseshoes, are you mad?"

Again, no one responded. Twilight looked around the room, taking in every detail of her friends' expressions. Rainbow appeared to be amused, and in the process of formulating a response, Applejack was mouthing some of the words Twilight had just used, as if she had never heard them, Fluttershy was trying her hardest to look everywhere but at any of her friends, and Pinkie was attempting to make gangsigns with her hooves.

Eventually, Rarity broke the silence. "Erm, Darling?" Twilight turned to face her, expression uncharacteristically smug, "I can't help but notice the very, err, bold statement you're making with your new headwear. Are you trying to cover up an injury, perchance?"

Twilight protectively grasped her New Era Canterlot hat before looking at Rarity with utter contempt. "Pfft! What you on, Rares? It's fashion, innit? Swagger, you know what I mean? You're just pissed cause you never thought of it, amirite?"

"Erm, yesss, Darling," Rarity grimaced, "You're quite right. It is indeed, uhm, fashion, of some sort at least."

Applejack looked at Twilight with an eyebrow raised. "Why are yer talking so funny, sugarcube? It ain't like ya, not one bit."

"Yeah, Twilight!" Rainbow nodded, "And I thought Applejack was hard to understand!"

Twilight's eyes narrowed, boring into Rainbow. "What. You wanna say summin'?" a rasp crept into her voice, "You wanna disrespect me, is it?"

Rainbow shrank back in her seat. "No, no, Twilight, nothing like that, I just got a little confused, you know? I mean, you're talking like you're straight outta--"

Twilight's voice suddenly became aggressive. "You better know yourself rudegirl! Walking around saying this and that like you're untouchable... Well I got news for you: You ain't no big man, Rainbow Dash, stop fronting like one."

Rainbow looked away, unable to meet Twilight's piercing eyes, when she spotted something truly peculiar. "I-is that..."

"Princess Celestia!" Pinkie shouted, jubilant.

A collective gasp echoed across the table, Twilight was the only one not to share in it. Instead, her expression hardened. When Celestia approached, she had a stern look on her face.

Twilight looked at her with newfound scorn, almost chilling the surrounding atmosphere with the intensity of her glare. "I was wondering when you'd be about."

Celestia looked around at the clusters of dessert enjoying ponies on each table, then back at Twilight, her stare equally as intense. "Heard you've been chatting shit about me, yeah?"

"Yeah, and what if I have?" Twilight glanced around, making a point of eyeing each of her friends, "You're in my ends now, what you gonna do about it?"

Celestia scoffed before letting out a little laugh. "What, you think your little gang intimidates me? I roll with some real badboys you know, nothin' like you little neeks. You need to know your role out here, T, you ain't above me, you mans are inferior to me. See me yeah, man's a top boy princess sitting on the throne and that, and where the fuck is your ends? Ponyville? DIckhead. You wouldn't even have that if I hadn't given you a leg up, and this is how you show gratitude?"

Twilight grinned. "You know, I think Big Cee is forgetting that she's on our turf right now."

"Our turf?" Rainbow echoed.

"Ah'm not so keen on fighting Celestia," Applejack mumbled.

"I'm actually with Celestia on this one!" Pinkie shouted, ecstatic.

Celestia laughed, stepping closer to Twilight, who had risen out of her seat "See? Even your boys know there's no point. They're too shook even looking at me you know, but I'll tell you what. Cause I'm a benevolent princess and all that, I'll give you one shot at me. Take a swing blud, I dare you."

"So... Are we ever going to question why Celestia's speaking like that?" Rarity asked.

"Probably just trying to be more modern, down with the kids and stuff," Rainbow offered.

"SHH! They're gonna fight!" Pinkie whispered.

True to her words, Celestia stood stock still as Twilight squared up to her, then proceeded to throw a hoof at her. Her hoof connected with Celestia's muzzle, resulting in a nasty impact that actually appeared to stun the princess for a few seconds.

As if on cue, Luna arrived in a purple flash, seething. "How dareth you, T, fuck with mine sister? Doth thou wish to get slapped up?"

"Listen, Luna," Twilight started, before pausing, bewildered. "Wait, what?"

Celestia sighed, looking apologetically at her sister. "She's having a difficult time with the slang words, okay?"

"But why is she trying to combine it with--"

"I don't know. Just let her learn at her own pace."

Twilight looked left and right. "Okay. Um, does she have a street name?"

"Luna uses her government name, we couldn't think of anything that sounded better," Celestia conceded.

"Alright, alright, got it." Twilight squinted in thought, "Remind me where we were?"

"You just banged me in the jaw."

"Yeah yeah, it's coming back now. Err, innit," she added sheepishly.

"Trussst," Celestia responded with a drawn out hiss.

"So, yeah, uhh..." Twilight adjusted her hat again. "What you sayin' now, raasclart?"

Celestia smirked. "I ain't saying shit fam, just like your swing."

"Listen yeah, I'll murk you on the spot for even trying to step to me round here!" Twilight's voice raised and her eyes sparked with urban energy, "Don't you know who I am, blud? I'm a top princess 'round here, you ain't got nuttin' on me so stop trying it."

"Oh?" Celestia smiled sweetly, "You're gonna murk me, yeah? Where's your tool then?"

Twilight mentally checked her saddlebag, before wrapping her aura around around it and producing a small flick knife. Celestia's eyes widened. "Wasn't expecting that, was you, bitch?" Twilight began advancing on the princess, shouting all the while, "Thought T was all talk, innit? Thought you could take me for some kinda eijhat, yeah? I think it's time you got off that seat rudeboy, before I come move you myself."

Celestia was like a hyena, rolling and shaking in hysterics, rather than fear. Her laughter was so intense, it completely halted Twilight's approach. When she recovered, she stood once more, moving closer to her, making their difference in size quite apparent, and looked down on her as if she was a child. Luna, meanwhile, stood with a completely stoic expression, barely moving.

"Rahh!" Celestia exclaimed, "That's your tool, yeah? What is that, some likkle butterknife or summin'?" Celestia's voice sharpened, becoming hard and commanding. "Luna, show her the ting."

At Celestia's cue, Luna conjured a thick broadsword. "Man like Luna's always packing the big steel, you feel me cuz?"

"Can I just quickly interject?" Rarity asked, curious. "Why do you all keep referring to yourselves as 'man'? You're all clearly female, it just feels silly."

Celestia turned to Rarity, eyes burning. "Listen, don't axe questions that you won't like the answer to, keep your snout out and carry on standing there looking pretty and we won't have no problem."

If there was anything Rarity took away from that exchange, it was that Celestia considered her pretty, evidenced by her stupid grin and suddenly vacant expression. Pinkie growled.

Meanwhile, Twilight was staring at the big sword, lost for words. Eventually, she found a few. "Shit. That's pretty hench still."

"That's right," Celestia grinned. "You gonna fall back in line or do I have to mash you up and teach you not to play with knives, likkle pony?"

"Can Alicorns even die?" Applejack whispered to Rainbow, hoof cupped around her ear.

"I don't know, but It's making me nervous just thinking about it," she responded.

Somehow, Pinkie had procured popcorn, and she sat liberally scoffing on it.

Twilight eyebrows were as straight as her flick knife. "Yeahhh, I'm not gonna take that."

With that, she began trotting forwards only to hear the door slam open to her right, causing her --along with everypony else in the shop-- to freeze in fear.

After a few seconds of ominous silence, Derpy Hooves trotted in, her movements soft and calm, her physique hard and imposing. She trotted up to the counter, ringing the bell twice.

Meanwhile, Celestia and Twilight were hugging tightly on the floor, their weapons hastily discarded. "Ohh, shit. Ohh, shit, blud."

Applejack eyed the mailmare, then the ridiculous display before her. "Wait... what in tarnation's goin' on now?"

"Ooo! I can answer that!" Pinkie discreetly jumped up and down in her seat. "Baaaasically, once upon a time, ponies used to be really, really mean to Derpy! And then one day, foals started bullying her daughter at school for it, and she'd had enough! She decided no one was going to push her around any more, and went to the gym and got really, really,
really buff! Like three really's! Now she's a littleee bit of a gangster... I guess it pays the bills better than delivering mail! Delivering pain!"

Fluttershy eeped at the word 'pain', but piped up all the same. "But, I've met Derpy lots of times before, she's always been so nice."

"Oh, she's nice," Rainbow cut in, "I remember that from times we've worked together, but if you crossed her, ooohhh boy..."

"That bad, huh?" Fluttershy asked with a look of concern.

"Let's just say that the last weather director to laugh at her eyes is probably still coughing up his own teeth."

"Yeesh." Fluttershy cringed. "So, any reason why these two should be so scared of her?" she looked down on the pair of princesses, who were currently holding hooves and fighting back tears.

"Your guess is as good as mine, it must be pretty bad though, for them to be all hysterical and stuff."

Fluttershy's question was soon answered. Turning, Derpy's eyes slowly surveyed the room, travelling from one corner to the other, moving without any indication as to where they should be looking, similar to a helicopter's search lights. Eventually, one dreaded eye settled upon a swiftly forming puddle of tears, and two ponies sat in it.

Frowning, she began to walk towards the pair, her hoofsteps hard and thundering against the floor of the bakery. When she spoke, her voice was strong and clear, with what appeared to be a forced calm to it. "Wellll, didn't fancy seeing you two here! Came in for a little treat, didja? Came to relax and take a load off, is it?"

Clearly the braver of the two, Celestia left Twilight's embrace and proceeded to speak. Twilight clung onto her all the while, praying to whatever gods might listen. "N-no, Hooves, it's nothing like that, we-- we were just--"

"Just causing a scene on my patch again, yeah?" Derpy echoed, mock understanding in her tone as she nodded her head, "Having a spat in front of all the regulars like it's nothing, hmm? That sound about right to you?"

"W-well, no, sorry, Hooves, it's just, ah, we weren't thinking, and, and..."

Derpy's left eye lost focus on Celestia, and proceeded to travel to the floor, where she spotted the broadsword. "What the heck is that? What, were you gonna cut eachother up in here, in public? What the hell would you even gain from it? Think it's alright to wave a sword like this around where ponies can see, do you?" Derpy picked up the large and heavy sword, and with a flap of her wings, she was floating above the pair, waving it in their faces with one hoof. "How about I wave the sword at you? Feel like a big princess now, eh Celestia? Make you feel like some kinda badman, does it?"

Celestia's face contorted in fear, Twilight did her best not to wet herself. "N-nah, not a big princess, I ain't no badman, Hooves, trust me, I--"

"Damn right you ain't! Now listen to me and listen good. This shit stops, now. If I hear about any more nonsense like this then I won't be asking so nicely again, is that clear?"

Celestia quickly nodded, then, noticing Twilight was in no state to respond, quickly shook her head for her with a touch of her magic. Luckily, Derpy's eyes didn't pick up on that.

"Good, and one more thing. Learn to speak proper Equestrian, you poomplex dickheads."

Twilight's head snapped to Derpy at this, she was speaking before she could help herself. "But didn't you just contradict yourself there by--" Celestia slapped a hoof over Twilight's muzzle.

Derpy's eyes straightened. "You looking to get jacked, yeah?"

"No, please, come on, Hooves, there's ponies here, please don't--"

"Stand up," Derpy barked.

Twilight stood, looking straight at Derpy and pleading with her eyes. "Come on Derpy, I beg you allow it--"

"Oh my days!" Derpy shouted, "What you calling me Derpy for, blud? Did someone say you could say that? Who told you that was alright, huh? What, are me and you pals now? We got some kind of connection or summin' what I didn't know about?"

"I-I wasn't saying that, Hooves, I just--"

"What, so now it's Hooves again?" Derpy glared at her, indignant, "Ain't you even got the backbone to stick to your guns? Or what, you telling me I'm not friendly or something?" Derpy dragged a hoof down her face. "Truth is I can barely be bothered to rob you's lot today, but it's like you're begging me or something. What you got for me then, huh?"

"I-I ain't carrying nothing," Twilight stammered.

"You've got that Tiara at the castle, I think I'll borrow that off you for a little while, right?"

"But I just finished paying you back for it!"

"Shouldn't have taken the piss then. And you," she turned to Celestia, her expression hard as stone, "How about you take off them horseshoes for me right about now?"

Celestia didn't protest, she clearly knew better. Face downcast, she proceeded to strip off one horseshoe after the other, struggling a little with her hind legs.

Meanwhile, every patron of sugarcube corner stared at her, many whispering in shock.

After she had spent a full twenty seconds struggling with the third horseshoe, Rainbow spoke up. "This is getting uncomfortable to watch. Like, moreso."

"It's undignified," Rarity added, solemnly, "I mean, more than it already was."

"It's embarrassing," Applejack agreed.

"It's hilarious!" Pinkie beamed.

"Uhh, should we help her?" Fluttershy looked between each of her friends.

"Doesn't look like we need to," Rainbow pointed with a hoof as the fourth horseshoe slid out, and Celestia levitated all four into Twilight's saddlebag, which she then lifted and placed on Derpy's flanks.

"I'm glad you made that easy on yourself," Derpy smiled, "Better than running around acting like you're bigger than you are. Jeez, keep this up, Celestia, you might learn some humility." She made to turn around, then stopped before Luna, nodding in respect. "You're alright, Luna, just don't follow your sister blindly, okay? Me and you aren't all that different, you know."

With that, Derpy trotted off to collect her purchase, the weight of her new saddlebag doing nothing to impede her deft strides.

Twilight eyed Celestia with a look that said 'Oh thank you we're still alive', and Celestia returned the sentiment in earnest. The ponies drew close once more, sharing a brief embrace, both still heavily shaken.

Meanwhile, Luna stood with a small smile on her muzzle, looking out the open door at the fading pegasus.

"Sooo," Pinkie chimed, "What was the lesson today? These things always have a lesson, right?"

"Uhh, don't mess with Derpy, cause she's a friggin' badass?" Rainbow offered.

"No, I think it's something more profound." Rarity softly hmm'd for a few seconds. "Ah. How about not pretending to be something you in fact aren't?"

"Ah've got an idea. It could be about getting just what you give to others back at ya?" Applejack mused.

Everypony ahh'd in sequence at Applejack's suggestion, everyone except Fluttershy.

"I think it's something to do with respect, and the ponies at the top not always being the card holders."

Applejack's eyes widened. "Well, didn't expect that from you, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy blushed lightly. "Really? What did you expect?"

"Somethin' about forgiveness and friendship and being true to yerself, ah guess?"

"Well, did you expect Twilight to pull a knife on Princess Celestia, either?" Fluttershy smiled, smug.

"Ah see your point."

"I think those are all great things to take away from all this!" Pinkie grinned. "Especially the one about not pissing off Derpy!" Pinkie suddenly flinched, checking the room. "Uhh, I mean Hooves."

"Well, what would you say the lesson was, darling?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Pinkie asked incredulously.

"No, darling, or I wouldn't ask."

Pinkie cleared her throat, looking over the bakery, sill full of scared and confused ponies, as well as two princesses that were very happy to be alive and unscarred. "I think that the lesson from today is unquestionably thaaaat--"

The rest of the table leaned in expectantly.

"--Twilight and Celestia need some serious acting lessons. Luna was pretty good though!"

The rest of the table sighed, slumping back in their chairs.

Author's Note

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.