Preparation H

Participants such as Diane and Porthos, who had very little sexual experience between the two of them, had difficulty engaging. In the case of Porthos, who seemed largely uninterested in sex on any level, it was up to Diane, who displayed a surprising breadth of knowledge for a participant who only recently turned eighteen, to move things along, though she herself at times seemed uncertain as to how to proceed.

The paperwork packet from Clover Institute concerning the study was unexpectedly clinical, thorough, and somewhat invasive. It was also way too much like homework combined with filling out paperwork at the doctor's office, neither of which was high on Pinkie Pie's list of things that were fun to do.

Fortunately, she had Maud to help her slog through it, although Maud had her own...opinions on the whole matter.

"Are you really sure you want to go through with this, Pinkie Pie?" Maud asked dispassionately as she examined the forms.

"Yeppers!" Pinkie said as she popped a lollipop out of her mouth.

"You know what Mom and Dad will say if they ever find out," Maud said.

"Pssh," Pinkie psshed. "Those old fuddy-duddies! I'm eighteen, I can do stuff like this without them hanging over my shoulder with the Bible and the strap! Besides, there's no way in heck I'm telling them."

"Eh, if she wants to get 'er BUTT FUCKED, let 'er get 'er BUTT FUCKED," Limestone snarled from across the room, knocking back a beer.

"I'm just concerned," Maud said. "Your first time should never be anal, and I don't think you're prepared for it."

Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, duh!" she said. "That's kind of the whole point of this thing! They're studying the reactions of people who've never had their butt cherry popped!" She frowned, her brow scrunching up. "How do you know so much about it, anyway?"

"I tried anal with Mudbriar one time," Maud said. "We thought it'd be funny because he's so anal." She paused, blinking once, slowly. "It wasn't. He still is."

"And that is way more than I ever needed to know about what you guys do in the bedroom," Pinkie said.

"Technically, we didn't do it in the bedroom," Maud said. "We did it on the kitchen table."

Limestone spat beer across the room. "GODDAMMIT, MAUD!"

"His kitchen table," Maud clarified. "Sorry, I should have been more specific."

"Note to self, avoid brunch at Mudbriar's house forever," Pinkie said, pulling a face.

Maud smirked, then returned her attention to Pinkie's forms. "Prior sexual experience," she said flatly. She flicked her eyes up to Pinkie. "I should write 'virgin', right?"

Pinkie's cheeks colored, and she reached for the clipboard. "I'll, umm, just fill that part in myself," she said hastily. She wrote for nearly half a minute. Maud watched her, one eyebrow raised. Limestone snorted and finished her beer. Once Pinkie was done, she flipped to the next page, making sure to carefully crease the pages so they wouldn't flop back over, and handed the packet back to Maud.

Maud shrugged and went on as though nothing unusual had transpired. "It asks for an alias to use in the study," she said. "So that your real name won't be printed in any papers or articles published."

Pinkie thought about that for a long moment. "Diane," she decided.

Maud frowned. "That's your real middle name," she said.

Pinkie shrugged. "Not many people know that," she said. "It's anonymous enough."

Maud pressed her lips thin. "Alright," she said. She spent a few more minutes on the paperwork, then handed it over to Pinkie. "Sign and date it," she said. "And...be careful, alright?"

"I will," Pinkie said, playfully rolling her eyes.

* * * * *

Pinkie arrived at the Clover Institute on the first day of trials. Each applicant had been given an appointment time, as well as a list of information which made Pinkie's head spin concerning compatibility, alternates, precautions, and so forth and so on. When she arrived and presented the ID card she'd been given, she was directed to a room with a bed in the center, two small sofas to either side, a compact stereo on a shelf, and a sink with cabinets, as well as a shower set into the back wall with a frosted glass door. She sat on the bed, idly kicking her feet against the side, until the door opened again and a college-age girl with huge, round glasses in a white lab coat walked in, accompanied by a short, stocky guy in his early twenties. He was tan-skinned with scruffy brown hair and a bit on the pudgy side, neither attractive nor unattractive, just...plain.

"Miss...Diane?" the labcoat asked.

"Yeppers!"

"This is Porthos," the labcoat said. She looked between the two of them. "Alright, just to remind you all of the guidelines and procedures: you're being monitored and recorded from the observation room." She pointed at three cameras mounted along the walls. "Everything that happens in this room is private and confidential, and is only recorded for the purposes of compiling our study. You may engage in any mutually agreed-upon sexual behavior you wish, just remember that the purpose of this study is to observe first-time anal intercourse."

"To get the money, we gotta do the butt nasty, got it," Pinkie said chipperly. Porthos blinked at her.

"If at any time you feel uncomfortable or need to abandon the study, please hit one of the yellow panic buttons located on the walls," the labcoat went on. "Please keep in mind that we will be observing you closely; if one subject attempts to disengage and the other forces the issue, we won't hesitate to call the police." She smiled. "But we trust both of you to be mature, considerate adults and respect each other's boundaries." She pointed at the various cabinets with her pen. "Over there you'll find protection, lubricant, and a few other helpful things. There's a stereo in case you feel like you need mood music. Use any of the furniture you like however you like. Any questions?" When both shook their heads, she left the room and locked the door.

An awkward moment passed.

"Soo..." Porthos said, coughing into his fist. Pinkie picked at her skirt.

"You, uh...ready to do this?" Pinkie asked.

"Aheh...gimme a minute," Porthos said. "I, uhh...don't really have any experience with things like this."

"What, having sex with a stranger in a room in a clinic while sciencey people are watching?" Pinkie asked.

"Uhh...yeah, that," Porthos said. "And, umm...well, sex in general," he said sheepishly.

Pinkie scrutinized him. He honestly wasn't much to look at, and didn't seem like he was much of a ladies' man. "Virgin, huh?" she asked.

Porthos sank onto one of the couches. "Yeah."

"So you thought this'd be a good way to get some lovin'?" Pinkie asked, sitting down on the bed and crossing her legs with a lightly teasing grin.

"Ack! N-no!" Porthos said, waving his hands defensively. "I-I actually..." He blushed. "I'm...not really into sex," he said sheepishly. "I just really need the money to upgrade my computer." He dropped his head.

"Ah," Pinkie said, swinging her legs idly. She reached into her hair and pulled out a pack of candy. "M&Ms?" she offered, tossing them over.

"Uhh...sure," Porthos said. "Thanks?"

"Don't mention it," Pinkie said, opening a pack of her own and tossing a handful in her mouth. "It's totally okay to be, y'know, not horny and stuff," she said. "I mean, I have a feeling most of the guys who sign up for this thing are all," she pitched her voice low. "Huh huh huh, gonna get to fuck a hot chick up the ass, heheheh." She giggled. "I bet there are some girls who are in this for that too. Me, I just signed up for it for the money and because it could be fun." She shrugged.

"Yeah," Porthos said, shaking a handful of candies out. "Huh, they're all green." He shrugged and popped them in his mouth, then looked at Pinkie. "Umm...honestly, I don't even know how to get started here," he said.

Pinkie blinked. "Wow. Really? No sex drive at all? I mean, there's a really cute girl right in front of you..."

Porthos ducked his head. "I'm the kind of guy who goes to the beach and spends the whole day reading and napping," he said.

"Oooh," Pinkie said, her hair deflating slightly. "Wow. This is gonna be tough." She wrung the hem of her skirt idly. "So how's this pink party girl gonna pique your prickly pecker...?"

* * * * *

We were unprepared for the introduction of male participants in this study who wouldn't jump at the chance to, in layman's terms, "tap dat ass". This was an admitted oversight on the part of the project lead. Consider this, then, a lesson learned: the male libido is not so powerful a force as popular wisdom suggests. That, or we succeeded in finding the one in fifty men who simply has no sex drive despite being in his prime. Further research into this area is indicated.

* * * * *

"So have you ever even seen a naked girl? Like, up close and in person?" Pinkie asked. Porthos shook his head. Smiling, Pinkie stood and crossed the room, unbuttoning her blouse and unfastening her skirt. Still fully dressed but with her clothes undone, she sat down in Porthos' lap and drew her feet up, slipping her shoes off before stretching her legs out across the couch and propping her bare feet up on the armrest. She arranged her skirt in such a way that just a hint of panty was visible. She took hold of Porthos' hands and slipped one under her blouse, placing it on her back below her bra, while sliding the other under her skirt, planted firmly on her thigh.

Porthos started to sweat. "Uhh..."

Pinkie gave him the most seductive look she could manage. "We both know what we want out of this," she said coyly.

"Y-yeah," Porthos said, his mouth suddenly dry. He swallowed, looking down at the long pink legs crossing his lap. Pinkie adjusted her blouse, spreading it open to show her tummy and bra. She was wearing a lacy blue number today that showed a respectable amount of cleavage. She slipped her hand between her hip and Porthos' lap, fingering his zipper and wrangling it open. Once it was unzipped, her nimble fingers probed inside, finding the flap of his briefs. After a bit of questing, she found his limp dick and gave it a teasing flick.

"H-hey," Porthos said nervously.

Withdrawing her hand, Pinkie flipped around and got on her knees next to Porthos, then stood to her full height on the couch seat. He looked up at her; she hitched up her skirt, fully exposing her blue panties, then slipped her fingers into the elastic and slowly slid them down. Porthos watched as the little piece of fabric slid down her long, toned legs and pooled around her bare feet. She flung them across the room with a flick of her toes, then knelt down, facing away from Porthos, her skirt riding up around her hips so that her bare ass was practically in his face. She teased her pussy with the fingers of one hand. "See anything you like?" she asked slyly.

"Uhh..." Porthos swallowed, licking his lips.

"Now, you can't have this today," Pinkie said as she slowly rubbed her clit with a fingertip. She withdrew her hand from her slit and grabbed her ass with both hands, spreading her cheeks apart. "But this...this is all yours," she purred.

Porthos numbly put his hands on Pinkie's ass, kneading the supple pink flesh as he stared at her pouty sex and puckered asshole. "Wow," he said.

Pinkie let Porthos play with her ass for a minute, then got off the couch and shed her skirt. She walked over to the cabinets and began going through them, pulling out a box of latex gloves, a jar of scented lube, and a couple of condoms. "Yeah, this should be everything we need," she said. She looked over at Porthos. "Are you getting hard?"

"Uhh...yeah," Porthos said, voice hitching. "I don't think I've ever been this hard."

"Good," Pinkie said. She bent over the bed and raised her butt high in the air, giving it a little wiggle. "Come over here," she said. "Lube me up good and fuck me, okay?"

"I...okay." Porthos stood, walking over to the cabinets, his eyes scarcely leaving Pinkie's wiggling ass. He snapped on a pair of latex gloves and uncapped the lube, then started spreading a thin layer of it on the rim of Pinkie's pucker. She let out a squeak and a giggle, shaking her ass. "Eek, that's cold!" she laughed.

"Are you okay?" Porthos asked.

"Yeah," Pinkie said. "Keep going, get plenty in there."

Porthos spread more lube around the rim, then took a deep breath and spread Pinkie's asshole, slipping a latex-covered finger inside to smear more. Pinkie hissed and shivered, but held still. "Is that enough?"

"I think so," Pinkie said.

"Okay." Porthos wriggled out of his pants and shuffle-kicked them and his underwear away, then opened the packet with the condom and, after a bit of awkward fumbling, figured out how to put it on, managing to get a bit firmer in the process. He studied Pinkie's ass, shining with sweat and lube, and gingerly took hold of her hips, cupping his hands around her butt cheeks. He lined his dick up against her butthole, letting the tip rest just below her pucker. "Talk me through this," he said.

"My big sis said you should ease it in, not ram it in," Pinkie said. "So probably want to keep one hand on your pecker and one on my butt, then just take it slow?"

"Got it," Porthos said. He took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go for it. Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

Porthos seized his cock with one hand and guided it into position until the tip lined up with Pinkie's pucker, pushing in just a tiny notch. Then, taking a deep breath, he slowly pushed more of himself in. Pinkie stiffened, letting out a gasping squeak. Porthos stopped. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Pinkie croaked. "Just...feels really weird. Keep going."

Porthos moved his other hand back onto Pinkie's ass, holding onto her firmly as he pushed more of himself in, almost all the way. "It's so tight," he said.

"Yeah," Pinkie rasped.

Letting instinct take over, Porthos pulled back, then thrust into Pinkie's ass, tentatively at first, then more urgently and insistently. The tightness slowly relaxed with each thrust, punctuated by Pinkie's yelps and groans and the rhythmic slapping of flesh on flesh. Wetness dripped from her pussy as lube and sweat melted together into a slippery-slick mess that squirted out of her ass as Porthos pounded her, grunting with exertion.

"Ah...ah...aaahhhh..." Pinkie groaned between hisses and gasps.

"Feels...ngh...oh god...you're squeezing me..."

Faster and faster, more urgently, Porthos pounded Pinkie's ass, the slapping growing sharper and louder, accompanied by the squelching sounds of lube squirting out of her ass even as her flushed mound dripped more and more. With one last, loud grunt of effort, Porthos came; his seed exploded into the condom and washed back, leaking out in thin beads and strings as he pulled his dick out of Pinkie's ass with a wet *plap* and staggered back, landing roughly on one of the couches.

Pinkie dragged herself up onto the bed and flopped over onto her side, chest heaving. Porthos looked over at her. "Was that...okay?"

"I guess?" Pinkie said. "My butt feels funny."

Porthos' phone beeped. "Um. I gotta go," he said. "I have work in like, an hour."

Pinkie nodded over to the shower stall. "Go ahead and get cleaned up," she said. "I'm not in any hurry." As he got up, she asked, "Do you think...that helped you at all? With your sex drive?"

Porthos shrugged. "Dunno," he said. "It's...definitely something I'll never forget though," he added with a faint smile.

What we learned from observing Diane and Porthos is that sexual encounters between two people with no chemistry are awkward and unfulfilling, and green M&Ms are not necessarily as much of an aphrodesiac as urban legend would have you believe.