A Guide to Herd Dynamics

by Ruddy Quill

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Porn, Comedy, Sex, Human, Anthro, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 92025

Wanna know the first rule to successful polyamory? Sharing is caring! That's what your six marefriends say, at least. And considering the lengths they went through to drag you into this relationship, you can’t really argue.

Wanna know the first rule to successful polyamory? Sharing is caring! That's what your six marefriends say, at least. And considering the lengths they went through to drag you into this relationship, you can’t really argue.

Faust help you all.

[A Smutastic/WAFF-y Human in Anthroquestria Tale]

[Edited 1/21/18]

Published 2017-08-05 03:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-21 20:28:48 UTC

A Quick Introduction [Coconut Advisory]

"So, you just joined a herd! Congrats! Many frightful and wondrous days await you! Know that being in a herd is an arduous task, requiring much time, energy, and devotion, but the rewards it delivers are too numerous to count. Every herd is different, so there is no right or wrong way to run one, but there are some basic guidelines you can follow to make sure that yours runs as smoothly as possible. Just pay attention to these few (dozen) simple rules, and you and your herdmates will be laughing it up at the memories of your tumultuous and harrowing beginnings. Good luck, and may Celestia shine down on you and yours!”

The first thing I noted upon waking up was the lack of a warm body next to me. Odd as it may’ve seemed considering my previous lifestyle, it’d become second nature for me to be either wrapped around or held by another person. Without the sound of light coos or harsh snores and drifting, soft limbs, it almost felt… lonely.

Damn it, what had these girls done to me?

I put my hand on the spot where my missing bedmate should’ve been. Not even warm. She must’ve left before the sun had even risen. Not that me was surprised; she always was an early riser. Farm work tended to require such a studious work ethic. Hell, I was kinda amused by the fact that she’d been willing to spend the night in the first place. Normally whenever she expected she’d need an early start, she’d just spend some time with me and leave so as not to accidentally wake me from her stomping around.

Though I supposed that the drinking and subsequent cuddling weakened her resolve in that respect. I briefly rubbed my upper arm. Damn could that woman squeeze the ever-loving life out of me, especially when she got a bit tipsy. Though really, what did I expect from dating an amazon of a woman? I could barely remember a time I was the big spoon.

She also was the reason I was waking up this early in the first place. My eyes immediately shifted to my windows with the blinds fully open. My bedmate must’ve opened them as a trap to make sure I didn’t sleep in till afternoon. Having a southern-facing bedroom didn’t exactly help matters, either.

Ah well, in any case, I might as well get out of bed before I was accosted for wasting the day away by another nosy nag.

Stretching out my arms, I cracked them behind my back to properly get myself fully aroused. A satisfying ‘snap’ echoed in my ears as my joints slid achingly into place. I swung my lower body out of bed and slipped my feet into my slippers – fuzzy, pink bunny ones, of course. Miss Hyper wouldn’t let me have any other kind.

Actually, how much of my life had been ordained by others? I gave my bedroom a quick onceover.

The bed had changed from a single twin to grand king-sized, now taking up most the room, and had way too many ornately-stitched throw pillows strewn about it, half of which had tumbled off the mattress and created random piles on the floor. What had once been one set of drawers now turned into three, and only a few of the blasted drawers contained my own clothes, the remainder holding the spares of my significant others. My desk, once just a place to rest my computer, now had stacks upon stacks of papers and books – ranging from scientific theorems to recipes to accounting balances and more. A large calendar was pinned to the corkboard above the desk and was the absolute pinnacle of controlled chaos – dates circled, post-it notes stickied, and pins attached with string run all over.

And that didn’t even cover the other random shit all over my room – some chaps, loose feathers, ink stains, and… was that a pie with a face print in it? When had that even… Oh, right, the last mass date night.

Okay, yeah, I was whipped… bad.

I sighed. Well, what did I expect when I got into this relationship? Tired of dwelling on such a pointless endeavor, my brain demanded I stop being such a little whiney ass and go enjoy myself. But first, I had to wash up – I was feeling kinda scuzzy.

Walking into the adjoining bathroom, I was hit yet again with the clear changes to my lifestyle. Various bras and panties hung from the shower pole to carefully dry out, and I had to move another hanger full of them that was slung over the bathroom door to be able to reach the sink. I opened the medicine cabinet, pushing aside creams, pills, and way too many feminine products to grab the toothpaste, and swiped my brush from the communal holder – a dark green from a sea of white, purple, yellow, red, blue, and pink.

After finishing my morning ablutions, I noted that I was running low on several of the dozen different shampoos, conditioners, and body washes and mentally wrote down a running tally for when I shopped later in the week. Why did girls even need separate ones for washing anyway? A bar of soap was good enough and worked wonders for the whole body! None of this rinsing, lathering, resting, setting, and jazz.

I stifled a yawn that threatened to leave and scratched my stomach, which gave a rumbling in turn. Might as well get some breakfast. I was even hungry enough to eat the face pie sitting in the corner.

…okay, maybe not that hungry… yet. Besides, there was a little too much hair and fur in there for my liking. Maybe I’d try some when I got wasted later. Face pie was always a good treat then.

As I walked down the hall to the kitchen, my ears picked up the melodious sound of humming. There was no real meter to it, simply a lilting, tumbling swirl of softness and music. Whoever was humming had a great voice, high and clear. Though I really weren’t surprised by that; everyone who lived here could belt out stanzas like they’d lived their entire life on Broadway. In fact, I was certain that, until I’d arrived flailing like a jackass, the term ‘tone deaf’ didn’t even exist.

The strained smiles and smoking eardrums from that one time I’d tried karaoke would forever have a special place in the black, jagged lump of coal I called a heart.

Turning into the kitchen, I finally caught sight of the intruder. She was only a few inches shorter than me, her pastel pink hair reaching down to her waist. She was wearing a light mint green sundress, backless around the shoulder blades in her race’s usual fashion so that her wings could comfortably spread out behind her. A tail the same color as her hair poked out from the small of her back, swishing back and forth across her white stockinged legs to the beat of her rocking side-to-side hips. Even from behind I could tell that she filled the dress out nicely, her body’s healthily thick outline shown by the sun streaming through the window.

She hadn’t noticed my arrival, too caught up with washing the dishes in the sink. A good froth had worked up and bubbles were rising to the ceiling in response. One large one burst in her face with an audible pop and she sneezed cutely, her oversized ears folding back on top of her head for a moment.

And this was why I went ‘d’aw’ whenever I saw her. Despite the fact that she could face down a disgruntled dragon with nothing more than a disappointed look, I never would’ve thought so if I only witnessed her daily demeanor. Course, that made her all the more fun to tease, especially when she stared at me with those big teal eyes and rampant blush that rose from underneath her butter yellow fur, her wings spreading out in embarrassment and hooves nervously tapping on the ground…

Okay, so technically I was a furry-lover (the worst kind of shitposter on any forum), but really, if they took one look at her, any nonbeliever would be converted in an instant. In fact, I’d better go pay my dues right now…

I carefully tiptoed behind her, trying to be as quiet as possible. Luckily, my feet made virtually no sound on the linoleum floor. Compared to the other races, with their claws, cloven feet, scales, and the like, I was a natural-born ninja. And I took full advantage of that whenever I snuck up to surprise people.

Coming up right behind her, I swiftly wrapped my arms around her frame, trapping her arms and wings between I two. She gave a small neigh of surprise and stiffened, her wings fluttering wildly, before I settled my chin in the crook of her neck and whispered, “Morning, Flutters.”

Hearing my voice, the pegasus immediately calmed down. Her wings tucked in between each other, allowing me to pull her closer. One of her hands, wet and soapy, turned up to hold my own. “Oh, um, morning.” Her voice was as light as air and as gentle as the namesake of her cutie mark. “I, um, didn’t expect you to be up so early.”

“Applebutt left a trap for me. Stupid sun woke me up, got right in my eyes.”

She shifted her muzzle towards me, her lips pursing. “That’s not very nice. I’m sure she just didn’t want you to waste the day away.”

“That was exactly what I’d planned on doing. Alas, I suppose I’ll just have to actually be productive today.”

Fluttershy giggled, her voice like a tinkling bell. She tried to shift around to face me but I only tightened my hold. I could feel her tail wrap itself around my bare leg, tapping lightly at me. I responded by moving my arms so they no longer held down hers, instead keeping them around her stomach. No longer bound, she returned to washing the dishes and began to rock her hips again. Liking the feeling of her against me, I mirrored her movements, the two of us ending up in a sort of stationary, swaying dance.

“So, what, ah!” She gasped momentarily when I rubbed my nose against the soft, downy fur of her neck, the tip catching slightly on the velvet encircling her. Regaining her nerve, she continued. “W-what did you have planned today?”

“The usual. Random odd jobs around the town. Think the Cakes needed a temporary babysitter while they and Pinkie make a delivery to Hollow Shades. Should be fine as long as the little hellions don’t get in the frosting supply again. Damn but was that a mess the last time.”

“Aww, but they like you!”

I snorted. “They like me because I let them watch cartoons until their brains melt out their ears. Also, because I have so much crap around here it doesn’t matter if they trash some of it.” I looked away at the gooey look Fluttershy gave me. Damn it, woman, stop reading into things! She was too good at that! Distracting her with another brush down her neck, I went on. “Then I think Sparky had some more tests to run.”

She pushed a lock of hair that had fallen in front of her face back. “Test or… ‘test?’” Her tail tightened possessively for a moment.

“With her, is there really a difference anymore?” Not that I was complaining. When the purple spaz was in a frisky mood, her experiments on ‘human/pony cross-socializing’ were some of the best things ever. I always had a fun time, even though I was usually left spongy and bruised afterward. “So,” I cut her off before she could say anything. “What are you doing here? Don’t you usually have morning rounds ‘round this time?”

She suddenly got shy. “Oh, um, well, um…”

I kissed her right below her jawline, eliciting a subdued squeak. “Calm down, Flutters. It’s just a question.”

“Well…” She stopped her rocking and began poking her fingers together. “I got up even earlier so I could complete my rounds quicker and come over. I was hoping that we could have breakfast together.”

I perked up and looked around. “Wait, I actually have food right now? Last time I checked, it was a box of baking soda and… I think a jar of pickles?” Honestly, I wasn’t sure. Pickles, formaldehyde remains of one of Twilight’s trial runs, could go either way. I needed to make a grocery run stat.

“It’s some of Pinkie’s leftovers. They’re reheating up in the oven right now,” Fluttershy said. She pointed at the appliance, and I could make out the vague scent of baked goods emanating from it.

Well, that was a nice set of plans. But it didn’t explain why she would be nervous about it. We had meals together, just the two of us, all the time. Why would she… Oho.

I pulled her closer and placed my mouth right next to her ear. She shivered at the hot puffs I blew into it. “Is that all…?”

“…well, I-uh, thought that maybe, we could also… um…” She ducked her head and lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “…maybe cuddle a bit…”

I could feel her body heat rise and form tense up at the mention. Oh Fluttershy – sweet, sweet, innocent, charming, needy, sexy Fluttershy. With her wide hips, generous bust, thick thighs, and angelic face, she was perfect for ‘cuddling.’

I was going to snuggle the fuck out of her.

“Oh, really?” My tone took on a teasing nature. She gasped as I pushed my crotch firmly against her plush ass, my morning wood comfortably nestling in her crack and bumping against her dock. With thoughts of what would come, it grew and hardened further. “And have you been a good girl?”

Fluttershy whimpered softly, skootching backwards so she could mold her back to my front. She breathed my name, the word scratchy and barely audible. “Y-yes, I’ve been a very good girl.”

“Are you sure…?” I crooned. Both of my hands dipped down to her thighs, barely touching her legs as I raised it back to pull up her dress. She did nothing to stop me, her hands gripping the kitchen sink hard enough that could see the skin under her fur lighten with stress.

My hands traveled upward, painfully slow. They skimmed across her bare thigh, her cotton panties, and landed squarely on her infinitely soft and somewhat chubby tummy. There, I splayed my fingers out, drumming the tips ever so lightly on her fur.

“Yes!” she squeaked. “I’ve been a very, very good girl! Please…!”

“Now, Flutters.” I gave one last tap before stilling my hands. She whimpered again. I laughed huskily, moving my lips to the tips of her ear. One finger slipped over to caress her belly button. She shuddered. I just smiled. “When it’s just the two of us, you know what to call me. No one else to hear you…” Taking her ear in, I gently bit down. “Right?”

She squirmed in my grasp, her thighs rubbing together as I stood perfectly still. “P-please, m-master. Ah!” She cried when I bit down harder, rolling her skin between my teeth. “I’ve been a good girl. Please treat me well.”

“Good girl…” I breathed. I slid into honeyed, decadent motion.

Fluttershy squeaked as my hands moved over her – rubbing lazy circles around her stomach, putting a tender pressure on her as my nails grazed her flesh.

Fluttershy laughed gaily as the stomach rubbings soon gained more of a tickling feel. “Yay! More, master!” Her eyes closed as her face became loose. “More!” She shuddered as I nibbled down her ear.

“Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good pony?” I cooed. My voice turned more playful as I continued with my little filly’s belly rubs, nibbling her ears that twitched in giddiness.

“I am! I’m a good girl!” she giggled. Fluttershy mewled, suddenly twisting around and shoving her muzzle into the crook of my neck, nuzzling me fiercely. I responded by removing one hand and scratching her behind her ear, getting a happy squeak in turn.

“That’s right! Flutters is a good girl! Sweet girl, gentle Flutters. Master loves you so much!”

“Please, praise me more, master!”

“Flutters is cute and sweet and gentle and kind. She’s always such a joy to be around.” I squeezed her tighter, running my hand down her silky locks, the other playing with the fine hairs of her tail. “Everyone loves being around you. Master is so proud of you.”

“Yes, more! Praise Flutters more!” She wiggled around, trying to nuzzle as much as she could into my embrace. “Ah~!” Her sweet cry echoed through the kitchen when I switched from one ear to the other.

I removed my scritching hand to her disappointment, and she grabbed it to try and place it back on her head. I stopped her with a finger waggle. Fluttershy bit her lips, looking at me from behind a few stray hairs that now fanned her face. Simply smiling, I leaned forward, putting more of my weight on her. “Master loves it when his girl is being good. And you know what good girls get?”

She tapped her fingers together slowly. She looked at me, her eyes hopeful. “Do they get kisses?”

I grinned wildly and planted a big, fat one of her cheek. “Yup!”

“Yay!” Fluttershy giggled and squirmed happily in my grasp, my hands going back to belly rubs and holding her still as I peppered both her cheeks and up and down the sides of her neck with light kisses. Her wings spread out as I continued my frenzied display of affection. I could feel them trembling as I held the affectionate pegasus down, the cutie letting out small whinnies and chirps when I kissed a particularly tender spot.

It was adorable how Fluttershy loved to be spoiled when it was just the two of us. Compared to the other girls, she always demanded the most of my attention when she thought she could get away with it and didn’t have to share me. I supposed it made sense. She always spent a lot of time alongside different injured and sick animals, showering them with care and love. There were times she spread herself so thin that she made herself sick unless someone basically trussed her up. It only made sense that she wanted the same kind of treatment occasionally.

Well, with me, it was more than occasionally. Try every day we spent time together. The times she just fell asleep in my lap after a good rubbing and left me a little… unfulfilled was more than I could count, but seeing the simple joy on her face made it all the worthwhile.

But now, now she was trapped in my evil grasp and wouldn’t be able to escape my nefarious plans. I had the little filly right where I wanted her. I’d give a villainous laugh but last time I tried the poor girl had literally fainted.

Really Fluttershy, sometimes she was just too timid.

My hands left her body, suddenly stopping in their affection. “Noo…” she cried pitifully but stopped and squeaked as my firmly took grasp of her hips, fingers rubbing over her cutie mark. Her breathing quickened. “Master?”

“Flutter~shy…” She squeaked again. I almost never used her full name unless I was planning something.

“Yes?”

“Fluttershy is a good filly, right?”

“Of course!” She gasped as I moved one hand to cup her breast while the other covered her maidenhood. I gently rubbed at both parts, savoring the shivering that ran through her body like electricity. She moaned softly, a hitching peep to it. I caught her chin and lifted it up, forcing her to look me in the eye. “M-master?”

“And good fillies do what they’re told, right?” I rubbed under her chin. She sighed softly then gave a small mixed chirp-and-shuddering-whinny when I lowered my finger to hook it into the small ring attached to the front of her choker.

“…yes.” She knew where this was leading if the clouded look in her eyes meant anything.

I gently pulled her forward, my other hand going to pull her closer till I could literally feel her heat down below. “Well, master has a little problem.”

She giggled. “Little?” She rolled her hips hesitantly, and I groaned softly at the achingly frustrating sensation. She went still at the sound. “Master?” Her tone was concerned. I don’t think she herself was expecting to tease back and probably thought she’d done something wrong.

She hadn’t, but it was taking every ounce of whatever self-control I barely had not to just throw her onto the table and take her luscious body then and there. Fluttershy had always been the most unsure of my lovers, and it had taken a great deal of time to convince her that I not only loved her physically but also how to show that love and lust together.

Fluttershy was… well, she was not pretty by pegasus standards. She was too big for one thing, closer to earth ponies in frame with a little too much ‘chub’ on her. Apparently, the smaller a pegasus was, the more physically attractive they were. Flat and streamlined was the paragon; made sense for a race that boasted speed and agility.

(Of course, that was absolute bullshit. What ‘ugly’ girl had a short stint as a national fashion model?)

Unfortunately, this long-standing ‘stigma’ did wonders for her self-esteem. Already introverted to the extreme, it only compounded her self-image issues. It had taken a while to bash through her self-imposed walls on sexuality, but if there was one thing I was good at, it was smashing forward without thought or care. Fluttershy sure appreciated my candidness.

“M-master, are you alright?” When I didn’t respond, she’d placed her hands on my chest and was now looking at me with loving concern. My eyes slid down to her lips, full and moist. “Nem- mmph!”

I shut her up with a kiss, yanking gently on her choker. Fluttershy blinked rapidly and then closed her eyes, her arms sliding up around my neck. We leaned into each other, heads tilting to get better access. My tongue darted across her lips, and she opened her mouth to allow me in.

Pony mouths were different from humans’. Longer tongues for one. The things they could do with them… Also, they didn’t have any sharp or narrow teeth whatsoever. All flat and wide, molars from front to back. And boy did they have a lot of them what with the protruding muzzles. A bit interesting to get used to but no worse from the norm.

The two of us played with each other’s tongue for a while. She mewled when a wandering hand of mine snuck to the base of her wings and pulled on a secondary feather, not enough to hurt but enough to get a rise. She tried to lean back from me, but I followed and captured her lips again. Trapped between me and sink, she couldn’t do anything but let me play with her body. I took full advantage, running my hands all about her wings, twinging and pulling, stroking and scratching.

Her moans and wing spasms only served to egg me on further. Eventually, I could feel she wasn’t putting as much effort into kissing me back and pulled away. A long string of spit stretched out between our mouths and some drool fell from hers. I pulled my shirt up to wipe away the corner of her mouth.

Fluttershy panted softly. “That was mean.” She sounded out of breath and a little hurt.

I leaned forward and kissed her between her eyes. “I’m sorry.” Okay, that was such bullshit, but she was just too cute when submissive. “Guess I just couldn’t hold myself back.”

“Well…” She looked down, her hands finding something to do by fiddling with the bottom hem of my shirt. “I guess I was a little naughty, too, playing with you like that.” She gazed back up at me, her eyes slightly hidden by the curtain of her hair. “And naughty fillies get punished, right?” I could hear the lilt in her voice and it was easily magnified by the rosy flush of her cheeks, piercing me right through my heart.

I kissed her again, gentler this time. She giggled. “No, not my sweet Flutters. She’s never naughty.”

She puffed out her cheeks and put a hand to my chest. “I can be naughty sometimes.”

“Oh really…?” I grinned lecherously. Pinching her bottom, I said, “And what’s that like?”

She stared, trying to gather her courage. After a short bit, she blew out her cheeks and rested her head on my chest. “Okay, so maybe I’m still just learning to be naughty.”

“And who’s teaching you? Rares again? Because she’s the queen of naughty. Especially when I do this.” I placed both of my hands on her shapely ass and squeezed, getting as much of a handful as I could while also spreading her cheeks apart. Fluttershy had a great ass, and I loved to play with it whenever she was in the mood. Soft and pliant while firm enough to get a good grip, and the thin layer of fur made it feel like I was grabbing a cloud.

Fluttershy moaned and rubbed her muzzle into my chest, breathing rapidly. She held her breath when I slipped a couple fingers underneath her panties to touch her skin directly, scratching at her with my nails in lazy circles. She shuddered, just like she always did when I used my fearsome ’claws’ on her. “B-but what about breakfast?” Her pleas were not very effective when she had a death grip on my boxers’ waistline.

“We can make it in bed later,” I growled deeply, biting her ear. “Right now, I want some Shy pie.”

Fluttershy raised her head, looking deeply into my eyes with her sapphire-like ones. “Will you give me cuddles, too?”

“I am going to cuddle you so hard.”

That was enough for her. She leapt up onto me, grabbing I by the back of my head and engulfing my mouth. Her fingers scrabbled on my skull, pulling at my hair as she tried to devour me, nibbling and biting my lips, with a fierce meekness that turned me on to no end. I got a better grasp on her rear and pulled her closer, fingers sinking into her. With a grunt, I lifted her up, her legs hooking around my waist.

The two of us kissed each other with reckless abandon as I deposited her on the edge of the sink. She let out an eek and stopped kissing me when her tail fell into the water, and I took the opening to move my mouth to her throat, sucking as hard as I could at the small spot where her choker left room. Trailing kisses and love bites down, I made my way to the valley of her breasts.

Her sun dress was low cut, showing more cleavage on the shy pony than I was used to seeing. Obviously, she was either trying to be more outgoing with her fashion style or simply trying to seduce me. Or both. I liked both.

I nuzzled my nose into her chest fluff and got a giggle out of her when I lightly sneezed. Honestly, this was one of the things I like the most about having a pony girlfriend – the chest fluff. It was just awesome to bury my face in – so fuzzy and soft and ticklish.

I wondered briefly why this far down I wasn’t scratching my nose on her bra but I tossed the idea aside. Fluttershy going without support? Her back would be killing her!

I took a deep whiff of Fluttershy’s scent. She smelled of the sun and flowers, and there was also the slight sickly-sweet smell of manure. I didn’t mind that; it all made up the lovely mare that I was motorboating with passion.

Fluttershy didn’t seem as content, maybe embarrassed by the idea that she smelled like the wildlife she always looked after. “I’m… I’m sorry,” she squeaked. “I probably don’t smell too good. I did take a bath before I came, but I probably still smell b- eek!”

I cut off her self-deprecation with another firm squeeze of her rear and burying my face deeper into her cleavage. I looked up at her, only the top half of my face visible. “Does it look like I mind?” I muttered wryly, my voice slightly muffled.

“Well… no, but- mhm!” Again, I silenced her, this time by nipping at the side of her boob.

I leaned up and planted a light kiss on her lips. “Shut up and let me spoil you. If you really think that you smell, we can take a bath together after.” I leered. “I’ll clean you thoroughly.”

She stared at me, her chest heaving. Then she grabbed my head and shoved me even deeper into her breasts. It was almost enough to cause me trouble breathing. I wouldn’t have minded, though. Death by boobs smothering would be an awesome way to go.

I kissed her, licking the sweat from her excitement. Twirling my tongue, I trailed up her chest towards her nipple. She let me, breathing and nickering harder, her eyes lidded with love as she watched my every movement. I kept eye contact as I placed small kiss after kiss, each one leading closer to my goal. I could clearly see it, her arousal causing it to stiffen and poke out from the thin fabric.

Yup, it was official. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Damn it, this rocked.

“Ah, yes!” she breathed heavily. “Please.” She spoke my name like it was a mantra. Her wings fluttered outward with each repetition. “More… Almost there! Master, master, my master, only my master, only my Ne- Rainbow!” Wait, what?

With a splash, Fluttershy fell backwards into the sink, soaking her bottom, and covered her chest with her arms. I spun around to target the intruder.

She wasn’t trying to hide her invasion. A cyan-furred pegasus with a multi-colored pixie-cut mane stood at the entrance to the kitchen, her back against the doorframe. Her hands were busy pleasuring herself, one dipping down into her hip-hugging denim pants while the other groped at her nearly non-existent boobs, her shirt pushed up and held by her teeth. She had clearly been there long enough to work up a nice sweat and was blushing brilliantly.

I gritted my teeth. While it was really hard to ignore the sporty mare masturbating in front of me, she had interrupted a rather nice session with Fluttershy. Hormones caused by a hot girl could only distract me so much! Especially when it’d stopped me from having sex with a girl that was just as hot!

“Damn it, Rainbow!”

She spat her shirt out but continued playing with herself. “What? Don’t stop on my account. It was just getting to the good part!”

I heard Fluttershy climb out of the sink and hop behind me, using me as a barrier. I could feel her trembling, her hands gripping at my shirt. I sighed. “That’s a no. Fun's over for now.”

“Aww… too bad.” Rainbow finally removed her hands from her goodies. I ignored the moisture that indicated her arousal dripping from one. “I was really enjoying watching you rev Fluttershy up. She’s still so stiff around me and the others.” She snickered and put a hand to her mouth. “Looks like you’re still the only one who can get her wet like that.”

Fluttershy squeaked. I took a quick glance around and saw the double entendre immediately. The yellow pegasus’s bottom half was completely soaked with soapy water, her pink panties clearly showing through the wet cotton plastered to her hips and legs. I turned back to Rainbow with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, maybe if we didn’t have a voyeur peeping on us I could’ve gotten her wet a different way.” I received a light pounding on my back for that lewd remark, Fluttershy’s fists raining mildly on me while she no doubt bore a cross look.

“Ha! Good one, big guy.” Rainbow blinked and tilted her head. She sniffed the air, her muzzle making the gesture look exaggerated. “Say, you smell something burning?”

“Oh no!” Fluttershy cried. She pushed away from me and ran over to the oven, slipping on a pair of mitts before opening it. A few plumes of smoke poured out from the heating device. She moaned. “Oh dear… I kept it in for too long. Now it’s burnt.”

She’d seemingly forgotten that her lower half was more or less bare to the world, and it was a beautiful sight to behold. Bent over, her knees somewhat crooked, it was like looking at a glorious star rising over the horizon, a splash of pink on a rounded heart of yellow.

To misappropriate a quote both here and back home – Praise the Sun!

I caught Rainbow also staring at the wondrous sight. She snuck a look at me and gave a thumbs up, mouthing the word, ‘nice.’ I gave a proud nod and thumbs back as the two of us watched Fluttershy fret over the food while still giving quite the pleasant show.

After pulling out the food, a pie that was no doubt three parts fruit, two parts deliciousness, four parts love, and ten parts death by sugar, Fluttershy placed it down on top of the stove. “I’m sorry,” she started. “I wasn’t paying attention and… eep?” At this point, she realized she was partially flashing the two of us and we were enjoying the hell out of it. She blushed madly and then made a dash for my room at top speed.

Rainbow whistled in appreciation. “Dang, almost as fast as me there.” The chuckle in her tone told me otherwise.

“Really?” I said skeptically.

“Hey, I said almost!”

A mischievous look overtook her face at my flat stare. The blue mare sauntered over to me, giving an extra oomph to her sway. On someone her size, it was almost cute instead of sultry. Not even close to five feet tall, Rainbow was a firebrand in a tight, little package. Unlike Fluttershy, she was a good example of pegasus beauty – all sleek lines and snug curves. She didn’t have a chest to speak of since most of her frame was muscle except from her thin natural layer of fat, but she did have a taut butt that just begged to be slapped. Too bad her tomboyish and prideful demeanor tended to scare stallions off unless they were ready to fight her for that booty.

Which I did. And damn was that battle worth fighting for

She took a quick jump up. Her wings gave a weak flap, enough for her to get on eye level with me, and then she attached herself to me like a barnacle, legs and arms hooked on. She smooshed her lips to mine, briefly clinking the both of our teeth together from the extreme force. She leaned back. “You taste just like her, by the way.”

“Uh huh.” As hot as it was to hear about my marefriends knowing exactly how each other tasted, through ways both had demonstrated recently, I had other things to discuss. Like why she was in my house to begin with. I placed one hand underneath her bottom to hold her (hardly needed because she weighed next to nothing) and another on her back between her wings to keep her stabilized. “So,” I breathed, getting a good squeeze in on both ends. Rainbow grinned toothily at my not-at-all covert groping. “Any reason you had to go and interrupt my Flutters nookie-time, Skittles?”

“Looks like I just had the same idea as her,” she shrugged. She rubbed her crotch against me. “Thought maybe I could get a quickie in before work. You know, some morning stretches?” She wiggled her eyebrows and puckered her lips.

I snorted. Dash was an aggressive minx. She was especially liberal when it came to intimacy, which was particularly funny since she had been a virgin when we first met and it had taken a while to get her to open up, almost as most as Fluttershy. Once those floodgates had opened though… woof! Most likely had to do with her competitive nature; had to catch up and outrun the others who'd started early.

I grinned back and bonked my forehead against hers. “Oh really?” My groping intensified, causing her breathing to become heavier, whinnies starting to trickle in. “Think you can handle my stretches?”

She rubbed her hooves on my ass and licked my nose. “Please,” she scoffed. “I’ve seen how you bend.” She leaned forward and whispered in that raspy tone that drove me wild. “I bend better. Now..."

She hopped down from my carry, her hands grabbing mine and moving them to her pants. She fit my fingers over the button and winked. "What say you get me out of these pants and into something more comfy? Mine are looking good right now."

I had already unbuttoned her fly and started shimmying off her pants before the logic center of my brain kicked into gear and blared warning signals of my dumbassery. Damn you, hormones! Fluttershy was still in the house with me, and I doubted she would appreciate me losing myself to Rainbow in the throes of lust and passion while she watched.

As hot as that would be, I had to keep reminding myself that Fluttershy was still not comfortable with sharing. She didn't mind being intimate when it was just her and one other person - hormones stop imagining Fluttershy and ones of the others in sweaty, dirty play! - but her innate shyness did not deal with groups.

I screwed my eyes shut and forced myself to be still. "Wait, Dash, just wait."

"What's up?" My eyes opened only to see her removing her shirt. She, of course, had no bra on. Her delicious flatness had no need for one.

"We can't do this right now."

She dropped her shirt then looked down, snickered, and playfully flicked my arousal. "Not doing a real good job of convincing me, big guy." I groaned at her touch. Her voice grew husky. "Also, you still haven't let go of my ass."

Hands! Why they betray me? I shook my head - but didn't release my hands, damn them and damn Rainbow's fine, fine butt - and said, "Look, I'm not very smart when it comes to relationships, especially the kind we have now, but even I know not to bang a girl right after getting hot and heavy with another just minutes earlier."

"What, Fluttershy?" Rainbow looked at me in surprise. "You think this would bother her?"

"Wouldn't it?" I asked uncertainly.

"I dunno, why don't you ask her?"

Wait, what? I looked up to see Fluttershy peeking at the two of me from around the doorframe. She had changed into new clothes, a light sweater and skirt. Half her face was hidden by her hair, a tic I knew meant she was either bothered or wanted to hide something. I stumbled over my words as I tried to find something to say.

"Um, Fluttershy, this is- I mean-"

"Still got a grip on my ass," Rainbow laughed softly.

I immediately let go, raised my hand to make some heartfelt and clever speech that would wash away any problems caused by my unintentional stupidity and horniness... annnd utterly failed to come up with anything remotely acceptable. I instead just scratched at my nose and hung my head in apology.

"Sorry, Flutters, I fucked up."

Fluttershy said nothing for a few moments. She stood up to her full height and walked over to me, staring at me with her one visible eye. I could see her weighing my soul, seeing if I was worthy of being forgiven, and measuring for the fire.

Then she leaned up and kissed me. "You owe me lots of belly rubs," she whispered petulantly.

As I sighed in relief, Rainbow cracked a wide grin and linked her hands behind her head. "Ain't that great? She forgave you."

Fluttershy turned towards her and blew out her cheeks. "I'm still angry at you, Rainbow Dash. You interrupted my cuddle time with him."

"Sorry, sorry," she said, holding her hands out in a placating motion. "You guys were just getting so freaky with each other I couldn't help but get swept along. Don't worry, you got first dibs for here and next time. That good enough?"

Fluttershy pushed her mane back. "Promise?"

Rainbow stood up on her tiptoes and kissed the taller pegasus on the lips. "Promise."

Despite the fact that the two were rationing out my jubblies like they were a piece of meat, I couldn't help but find the sight of the two kissing and making up adorable. The whole idea of sharing was odd to my race's traditionally monogamous lifestyle, but seeing these two together work out how to spread love was heart-melting.

Then something else hardened when Rainbow deepened her kiss with Fluttershy briefly and got a good handful of her boobs. Fluttershy moaned instinctively but then squeaked and pulled away.

"Rainbow!"

"Yup, you taste just like big guy, too. How deep were you exploring each other throats?"

"That's not appropriate to- mmph!"

"And seriously, Shy, where did you get these?" Rainbow had grabbed both the yellow mare's breasts and was now groping them for all their worth. "Is there, like, some all boob diet I need to know about? Got some earth pony in your family? Normally I wouldn't care, but the big guy really seemed to like playing with them." She looked enough to the side to mutter something but refused to let go or stop mauling Fluttershy. "Maybe I should get the egghead to look up some spell. See what the big deal is..."

"Ah! Rainbow, not there! Mhm!"

Rainbow snapped her attention back to Fluttershy. The larger pegasus was squirming in the blue mare's grasp, her eyes screwed shut and mouth switching between panting wide-open and bitingly closed. Rainbow's eyes glazed over for a moment before a lecherous grin spread across her face.

"Oh, yeah. Where then, Shy?" She lifted the other girl's chest up and squeezed it together. "Here? Or how about..." Her fingers moved towards her nipples, making a pinching gesture.

"That's enough," I interrupted, thwacking her on the back of the head. She yelped and let go of Fluttershy to rub at the spot I hit. It was hard enough being cockblocked twice in a row, I didn't need to watch the same two mares get into a hot Sapphic groping contest. I would've jumped in earlier but I was… preoccupied. Sure, go with that. “You have to treat girls gentler, Dash.”

“Then how come you hit me?” she whined, though I could tell there wasn’t any vitriol in her tone.

“I’ll treat you like a girl when you start acting like one.”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. Rainbow turned back to Fluttershy. “Sorry, again, Shy. Guess I’m still a bit too wound up.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath and shook her head. “It’s… it’s okay.” She was still blushing madly and refused to make eye contact with either one of me.

Rainbow held out her arms. “Hugs?”

She smiled. “Yes, hugs.” She gathered Rainbow into her arms, the much shorter girl inadvertently getting her face stuck in Fluttershy’s pillowy bosom. The two were quiet for moment before Fluttershy squeaked. “Rainbow!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Rainbow laughed, sticking her tongue out. I sighed at the blue hands on Fluttershy’s rear. Just how heated was the pint-sized pegasus? “But you know…” Rainbow looked at me out of the corner of her eyes, her cheek resting on Fluttershy’s chest. “I think I have a solution we can all be happy with.”

“I swear, if it’s a race to claim Flutters’ affection I am kicking you out right now.”

“That does sound fun, but I have something better planned.” Her hands spread out on Fluttershy’s rear, not quite grabbing but not quite letting go either. “Why don’t we all do it together? That way, I get my itch scratched, Fluttershy gets her cuddles, and the big guy doesn’t explode from repressed lust. Plus, we all get some good exercise!”

I could actually see the steam shoot off Fluttershy’s head as her entire face, shoulders, and upper chest burst into crimson at the proposition. I was similarly poleaxed but not for the reasons most would think. This was not the first time Rainbow had suggested a threesome and not the first time I’d be part of one (a delightfully common occurrence since I’d gotten together with these mares), but it would be the first time Fluttershy would be involved. I really didn’t know how the innately shy mare would react, but I didn’t feel like it would be all too good.

“Listen, Dash,” I started. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Just hear me out.” Rainbow winked at me. She turned to Fluttershy and gave a brief squeeze. The mare jumped but refocused on her. “Hey, Shy, ya love me, right?” Without even a hint of hesitation, Fluttershy rapidly nodded. Rainbow grinned widely. “And ya love him, right?” Again, a quick nod. “So why don’t we all have fun together?”

“Dash, she doesn’t-“

“Shh!” She switched back to Fluttershy. “Hey, Shy, I know you’re nervous, but trust me, it’s really great to be able to do it with more than one person. I’ve done it with him and the others plenty of times before, and, well, maybe it was a bit awkward at first and we didn’t really know what we were doing…“

“Not really helping your case, Dash…”

“But in the end, it ended up being some of my best memories. Besides…” She nestled her head into that glorious cleavage. “I know you love to listen whenever we share our stories with each other. Don’t think I don’t notice you jotting down stuff for later.”

Wait, they traded notes? …I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve felt intrigued or concerned. Or both. Yeah, probably both.

Rainbow looked up, the corners of her mouth quirked into her patented smirk but also something… softer. “So? What do you say? Want to get back on that monkey?”

Fluttershy said nothing. I sighed. I figured it would result in this. No way would sweet, delicate Fluttershy be into something as dirty and profane as-

“Okay.”

Huh.

She looked up, still madly scarlet and with a few tears in her eyes, but there was a steel in her expression that brooked no argument. “It does sound a little scary, but I can’t say I’m not interested. And if it’s with Rainbow and you, I don’t think I’d mind…” She looked down, suddenly flustered. “It. The threesome, I mean.”

I just stood there slack jawed. Fluttershy… and Rainbow… together… at the same time? Just what glorious god had I pleased and where could I find them. I needed to heap more sacrifices upon their pyre for whatever black magic or divine providence just occurred.

Rainbow was much more proactive. “Then let’s see what’s under this wrapping!” There was a small, metallic clink as she undid a latch, and Fluttershy’s skirt fell to the floor. “…Huh, didn’t think you were that brazen in your fashion, Shy. I like it though!”

Fluttershy blushed harder, if that was even possible. “Rarity said it was my battle wear. I, um, was really hoping I could show it to mister after you left. …I guess I’m still showing it to him now, huh?”

What Fluttershy was wearing underneath could hardly constitute as underwear. It was made of frilled lace, a deep maroon that complimented her tail and mane color but contrasted her fur, and consisted of not nearly enough material. It barely hid her marehood and framed her wondrous cheeks for all to see.

I needed to get Rarity a gift for such a gift. Like, all the gems.

“I think he likes it,” Rainbow chuckled. “So, big guy…” She took hold of Fluttershy’s butt and gave it a light slap. Fluttershy bit back a squeak and responded by pulling the blue mare closer, her hands on her wings. The two looked at me with love, passion, and a multitude of other emotions that made various parts of me tingle.

“Ready to breed your mares?”

Rut both a smoking shorty in nothing but her panties and a busty beauty in her victory garments at the same time until they squealed for mercy?

If I could literally explode my clothes off my body, there would already be shreds of fabric floating around the room. Instead, I settled for tossing Fluttershy over my shoulder, grabbing Rainbow under the crook of my arm, and bolting for my bed.

“I, um, think that’s a yes.”

As an avatar of chaos once said, love is a grand and multi-tentacled thing.

I eventually rose from my daze when I heard shuffling off to my right. I tried to get up to find out what it was, but I was stopped by a weight on my left shoulder. Looking down, I saw that it was Fluttershy wrapped around me, still caught in the grasp of slumber. A few strands of hair fell across her muzzle and nose, and she sniffed when they tickled her. I brushed them to the side, and she mumbled pleasant nothings as she got a better grip on my arm and sunk it further into the valley of her chest, her leg trapping mine to the bed.

Seeing that me wasn’t going to be moving anytime soon, I tried once again to discover just who it was that woke me. I quickly found Rainbow hopping around on the other side of the bed, trying to slide her panties back on one leg at time. Jumping on one leg, she caught me staring at her. She blushed.

“Oh, um, hey,” she muttered softly. “Didn’t think you’d wake up so soon.”

“Leaving already?” I whispered back. Fluttershy mumbled in her sleep again and let go of my arm, turning over to face away. I pulled myself up slightly onto my elbows to get a better view.

“Yeah, told you it was just a quickie.” She smiled awkwardly and managed to get both legs through and pulled her panties up. “Ok, maybe more than just a quickie. Now help me find my clothes.”

“You threw them all over my kitchen, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, right,” she chuckled. She turned to walk away, but I took the opportunity to hook a finger into her waistband. She looked over her shoulder, her face annoyed. “C’mon, dude, I need to go to work.”

“Come here,” I intoned, yanking her gently towards me. She sighed and let me drag her forward. I raised my chin, and she followed and bent down, allowing me to plant a soft but full kiss on her.

“But work…” she whined through the kiss, though she did nothing to stop me, even when I placed a hand on her butt and pulled her even further towards me. “Ne-“ She whinnied when I dragged a finger into her panties and down her crack.

“C’mon, Dash, I know you. If you really needed to be at work, you wouldn’t have come over for a ‘quickie’ beforehand.” I nipped her bottom lip. “You’d fly over during lunch and then take the rest of the day off or something.”

She smirked. Lifting herself up, she planted her butt firmly on my stomach, leg on either side of me. “You really think I’m that easy to predict?” Her tail swished back and forth, brushing across my bare legs. She thrust her chest out, puffing up her chest fluff. Her show of dominance was just too cute.

“Please, after being with the crazy pinkster for so long, everyone else runs like clockwork. Now, c’mon, let me snuggle ya.” I placed my palms on her cutie mark, thumbs running on her stomach around her belly button. Her muscles made my digits trace lazy designs on her abs and chest.

For such a small chick, she really was ripped. She could easily give Applejack a run for her money in the ‘jacked up’ department. Though the farm pone had more of a weightlifter’s build and Rainbow was better suitd to a flyer’s – all lean and slender. I’d almost feel embarrassed that a girl had a better body than me (damn couch potato), but that all got shoved to the side whenever I played with her like this.

Speaking of which…

“Mmph, hey.” Rainbow grunted. Her hands dug into my shoulders but she let me continue to play with her. “Thought you said you only treat girls gently.”

“I don’t know…” I crooned. I ran one finger languidly up her side along her ribs and back down again. “You’re looking pretty girly right now.”

“Unf, jerk.” She blushed and bit her lip, bucking her hips and leaning forward so that I could have better access.

Yup, that was Rainbow. Aggressive as hell when it suitd her but when she’d had the chance to calm down she could be pretty demure. I usually only saw this side of her after a good rutting, when she was feeling particularly mushy and wanted to be pampered, or when I somehow managed to take her off guard. Watching her bluster was just too cute for words.

For a while, I just ran my hands over her, gently caressing every part I could reach. Each time, she leaned into my touch. After a bit, I found my face buried in her tuft, breathing her in. She had her arms wrapped around my head and wings encompassing my body to keep me there and made slow circular rubbing motions, an instinctual behavior to mark me with her scent.

Though that really wasn’t needed. After everything the three of us did, I wouldn’t be smelling like anything else for a long time to come. Hell, even my inferior nose could make out the musky mix of pheromones coming off from both the mares in my bed.

In response, my fingers tugged at her panties, pulling them down so I could directly trace her cutie marks. Rainbow chuckled-nickered and lifted her butt so I could remove them completely. Mumbling affectionate insults as I tossed the damp article somewhere, she settled back down, the heat of her core now a burning, drooling star that I could feel through flesh and bone.

Neither of us said much, simply enjoying the moment. Though all good things had to come to an end. I pushed my luck when I moved my hands up to her chest and gently flicked both of her rather sensitive nipples.

“Boop!”

She responded by smacking me in the face with a pillow. “Fun’s over, pervert.”

I laughed softly. “Fun while it lasted.” She tried to get off me, but I held her down. “Still gonna go?”

She glowered at my gall, but then rolled her eyes and blew a puff of air out her nose. “No, you’re right. I was just planning on doing some extra checks on the next couple weeks’ weather scheduling. Just wanted to make sure everything added up once more. Nothing the others can’t handle.”

“Soo…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll stay.” She pinched my nose. “Though not for you. No hugs for the dumb monkey. Instead, I get Fluttershy’s boob pillows for the rest of the day.”

With that, she crawled off me towards Fluttershy but not before swishing her tail to the side to reveal her privates, still dribbling and puffy from our recent bout. Rainbow grinned toothily (an odd look for a creature without canines) at my subdued surprise before she reached the larger mare’s side. She poked the mare’s shoulders until Fluttershy turned back over then snuck into her arms, resting her face in the larger girl’s chest. Fluttershy didn’t even wake up and simply pulled the blue mare closer, the two twining their legs together. In minutes, Rainbow fell asleep, her raspy snores mixing with Fluttershy’s mellifluous breathing.

I watched the two for a bit. I still wondered how this whole weird relationship came about. Just how did I, a human from another dimension, get together with not just one anthropomorphic pony, not two, but six of them?

Had someone told me when I was still on my home plane of existence this would happen, I’d call them a freak, pants them, and then run away laughing maniacally. Now, I was the freak… and I had been pantsed plenty of times since then, particularly by the small cyan mare I was sharing my bed with.

Once, I was just an internet junkie, lurking the deep recesses of the web and wasting my days away. Now, I was still an internet junkie (well, sort of), but I didn’t have as much time to lurk thanks to being bounced around by several lovely and attention-grabbing ponies.

It was exhilarating, terrifying, amazing, madness-inducing, heart-wrenching, and mind boggling all at once… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I was jostled when Rainbow and Fluttershy made twin chirps/peeps and snuggled closer together.

“Nem, you moron… That doesn’t go there… It goes in here.”

“Pet me more, Nemo…”

I raised an eyebrow at their incoherent sleep talks. Is this what being a herd was supposed to be like? The nuances of polyamory aside, is this what it was all about?

…honestly, I didn’t really care. I was having a hell of a time with some lovely ladies, and that’s all that mattered to me.

Pushing these thoughts off for future me to consider (the poor bastard), I rolled over and laid an arm over the two mares. Instinctively, they nuzzled into me. Soon I was also asleep, thinking back on the events that had set this whole crazy love polygon into motion. And it’d all started with a visit to Twilight’s.

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

And thus, I've fallen into the trap of smutty Anon in Anthroquestria stories. Never thought it would come to this, but it did.

...I'm kinda enjoying this.

Just in case, the first chapter is going to be the only bit of smut for a while. Lots of building up/flashbacks, ahoy. The first arc will mostly be waff, followed by an arc of waffy smut, finally followed by the true smut. So it might be a while, but hopefully you enjoy the waff as is. Till next time, criticism appreciated!

Interlude: Making Clouds and Rain [Coconut Warning]

Here's the implied threesome scene with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy from last chapter that people wanted. Enjoy.

I could not race to my bedroom quickly enough. Unfortunately for my door, it had the poor judgement to be between me and hot, smoking threesome sex with my marefriends, so it received a boot to the midriff and blasted open, no doubt leaving a nice dent in the wall from its wild swing.

Too horny, didn’t care.

Rainbow and Fluttershy let out separate squeals of delight and surprise as I tossed them onto the wide bed, the mattress barely shifting from their light forms. Fluttershy was blushing up a storm and whinnying wordlessly while Rainbow grinned widely, her own form blushing almost as much. Considering she was only wearing a small pair of panties, it made it very easy to see her blush cover her whole body. She shifted so that she was lying back on her elbows, her legs opened invitingly.

“So, excited are we, babe?” She laughed briefly. “Trying to beat me in speed?”

My hands were already at the bottom of my shirt to tear them off, but I spared a moment to match her lusty smile. “I’m gonna make you scream so loud.”

“Bring it on!” She grabbed at Fluttershy, yanking the shivering yellow pone to her. Rainbow nibbled gently at her ear. “Fluttershy and me’ll wreck you.”

“Ohhh… Rainbow, don’t say that…” Fluttershy covered her face with her hands, hiding whatever her mane didn’t. Though judging from how she was positioning herself to better expose herself, it wasn’t like she didn’t feel the same way. Even now I could make out her hardened arousal through her sweater – little nubs that just begged to be pinched and bitten.

If any more blood flowed southward I was in the very real possible danger of exploding though my boxers. Speaking of which…

I sacrificed one hand yanking off my shirt to take off my pants. Now if only I could master the Lupin maneuver I would soon be diving into perky pony pus-

The god of spiteful ‘fuck yous’ smiled upon me. With only one arm to remove my shirt, my head got stuck in the collar half-way through, blinding me, while my boxers locked around my knees, causing me to stumble.

With all the grace of a drunken frat boy mixed with a beached whale, I flopped onto the bed. The air seemed frozen for a second as I struggled to upright myself and failed to.

“…Motherfucker!”

From outside the darkness of my shirt, I could hear Rainbow’s howling laughter. My attempt to silence the tiny wench was cut off when someone pulled me up and turned me around so that I was now sitting on the bed, still blindfolded and with my boxers hanging around my knees.

This was so not what I was expecting not even ten seconds ago.

Soft hands wrapped around my middle to alight on my stomach and a furry muzzle snuck its way into the crook of my neck, nuzzling me with light kisses. Based on the large, firm pillows resting on my back, I was pretty certain on whom my ‘captor’ was. This was confirmed when Fluttershy’s trembling voice from behind said, “Are you okay? You didn’t h-hurt yourself, right?”

“Aww… don’t baby the colt,” Rainbow nickered from my right. My boxers were yanked off my legs with little delicacy. “Big ape like him can take his lumps.”

“B-but he fell so hard!”

“So hard is right.” I gasped when two furry and small hands took hold of my manhood, stroking it gently but firmly. “If this little guy is anything to go by, our Nemo is totally fine.” She rubbed the tip with the palm of her hand, the spongier center almost as smooth as satin with so little fur and quickly becoming slick. “Ain’t that right? Our. Big. Strong. Stud?”

With each word, she gave a pump and tenderly kissed my chest. On the last one, she nudged the bottom of my chin with her nose and licked it.

I groaned at the sensation, twitching, leaking. “Y-yup. Stud. T-that’s me.” Fuck sounding like a spaz. I had two hot women jerking me off. “Now if it’d be e-even hotter if I could see.”

Rainbow made an inquisitive noise. “Mmm… nope!” She leaned down and licked my nipple. “Think I like you not knowing what’s going on.”

Anger rolled in my gut, temporarily pushing aside my libido. Damn it, I wanted to see a sweaty Rainbow Dash giving me a handjob! No matter how hard she tried to hide it, she always had the most adorable embarrassed look on her face when she tried to please me. It didn’t matter how much bravado she put on, there was always this sense of cute shame! And that was half the fun! Why?

Because! It! Was! My! Fetish!

“Skittles, I am going to pound you dry if you don’t-“

“Nope!”

I let out an impotent shout of rage when my back support disappeared and I fell backwards. Just as quickly as Fluttershy disappeared behind me, two weights settled on top of me. I groaned at the two very different bosoms planted on mine.

“Flutters, really? You too?” At least she’d gotten rid of the sweater so I could fully enjoy the texture and spring of her boobs.

“It’s… it’s only fair,” she mumbled crossly. I could just imagine her cheeks puffed out in an adorasexy pout. “Y-you played with me too much this morning and then k-kissed Rainbow while I was changing. You… you need to be punished I mean if that’s okay with you I’m sorry if it isn’t but you need to learn some manners mister!”

…well shit. I did at least owe her that. Even promised I’d make it up to her. If she wanted pseudo-dom play, I would gladly let her. Besides, I had to admit the idea of Fluttershy lording over me like some fluttery dominatrix and apologizing for every crack of the whip was intensely erotic. Fluttershy let out a tiny ‘eep’ as my dick slapped moistly against flesh, somehow moving past diamond status.

Rainbow snickered. “Take that as a yes?”

I let my head fall and breathed through my nose. “Be gentle.”

“You heard him, Shy! The buffet is totally open!”

“Y-yay…!”

Time passed in a blur as the two pegasi playfully explored my chest and torso. A nuzzle here, a lick there, a kiss where I wasn’t expecting it. Normally I would just find it a bit ticklish and silly, but with my hands inadvertently pinned above me and haphazardly blindfolded the sensations were enhanced and magnified to excruciating amounts. It felt like my skin burned as they brushed up and down me, and blazed in an inferno whenever they deigned to kiss or lick me.

Absently, I noted that they seemed to limit their nuzzles to the thin range of hair on my chest and around my bellybutton. There was also a whole lot of sniffing, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the few times they all but buried their muzzles in those areas. Of course, that led to indignant horse noises and a double down on the more teasing portions of their play, nipping me with just enough force to make me jump but not enough to hurt or leave a mark.

I was really regretting not having my hands free to pay them back, especially as they dragged themselves about my body. Whether it was Fluttershy’s pillowy bosom or Rainbow’s taut chest, their rock-hard nipples lit trails of lightning on me, causing me to wiggle and make their gleeful whinniess and giggles even louder. What I would give to give them a squeeze back and- hello!

Apparently not satisfied with driving me crazy with just their forms on top of my own, my manhood was suddenly engulfed by the downy glory that could only be their wings. Pegasus wings were the pinnacle of softness and impossibly dexterous in their caresses. This wasn’t the first ‘wingjob’ I'd gotten from either of them, but it sure as hell was the first time I’d gotten a double one. Immediately, my softening member returned to full hardness and throbbed, a bit of pre leaking out.

“Oh, I think he likes that!”

“A-are you okay, Nemo?”

I groaned pitifully, suddenly wishing I had my arms free if only to cover my face. My eyes may have been hidden, but I was certain that my scrunched-up nose and mouth was announcing just what an effect they were having on me. “You girls are killing me…”

“Not so tough now, are we?”

“Dash, you are so going to pay for this when I get free.” I groaned again when a feather slid across the tip of my cock as a few others tickled my balls.

“N-now, don’t be like that, m-mister.” Fluttershy leaned over and kissed my cheek, her shuddering breath only serving to push my arousal onward as she then flicked my ear with her long tongue. “You said we could have fun, r-right?”

Urgh, why couldn’t I say no to her? Emboldened by my silence, the two returned to marking my body as they used their wings to torture my privates. It was like having clouds just barely rubbed against me, leaving me a shuddering mess. Whenever I thought they’d give me a break, one would attack my chest with a flurry of nips and kisses while the other concentrated on teasing my member some more. This made me let out some very unmanly noises, which only served to egg their teases on even more.

…Welp, looks like I just found a new fetish.

Luckily for me, all their attention was only on teasing me, so they didn’t notice as a I painstakingly shuffled my shirt off. The sight I came across as the fabric lifted off was… impressive, to say the least.

Fluttershy had her muzzle buried in my chest, licking in wide, long streaks. Her eyes were firmly shut, breathing heavily as she inhaled my musk, one hand gripping the bed while the other was being used to pleasure her marehood. She seemed completely lost to the world.

Rainbow was no better off. Her eyes were glazed as she rubbed her head up and down right above my crotch, her nose huffing in short, husky bursts. Both her hands dug down below, but she at least had enough cognition to keep up her one-mare wingjob on me, the feathery appendages wrapped around her and rubbing up and down my member. Idly, I noted that the tips were rather damp. Seems like I’d been enjoying myself a little too much without even hitting the peak.

Which kinda sucked, because by this point it was hard enough that it almost hurt. I don’t know how long they’d been edging me but it was enough to make me a bit ornery. And seeing that my little fillies had gotten a little full of themselves… Well, turnabout was always fairplay, right?

…ignore the fact I was totally at their mercy not even a few minutes ago I was a total alpha shut it.

Fluttershy mewled happily as soon as my hand touched her head, leaning into it. Retreating bit by bit, I managed to lead her up my chest until she was in prime position for smooching. Her eyes sprung open as my lips captured hers but they quickly fluttered shut as she let me take control, keeping her mouth occupied as I scratched her behind her ears.

With one pesky filly down, I used my free hand to softly push down on Rainbow’s head. Knocked out of her haze, she glanced up at me. I raised an eyebrow and pushed her down again. Her eyes cleared and then she rolled them. With a lighthearted huff, she placed her hands on my inner thighs, pursed her lips, and kissed me right below my belly button but went no further, seemingly waiting for me to make a move. Even now, I could feel the phantom sensation of her wingtips as they hovered a sliver from my pride.

My brows furrowed. Her lips stretched into a smile. She kissed me near the same spot a couple centimeters closer to where I wanted but still frustratingly far away. Her eyes danced with a gleeful challenge. What did she want me to do – shove her mouth onto my member? I was a bit busy with kissing Fluttershy to force her, and she-

Gah! She did it again! I moaned into Fluttershy’s mouth and involuntarily pinched her ear. She squeaked and bucked her hips. Rainbow grinned cheekily and blew a kiss before peppering them all my lower belly, supremely determined to drive me crazy.

I wasn’t going to have any of that! Too bad for her I had a secret weapon… of sorts. Fluttershy cried when I finally took my mouth off her, diving back to keep me to herself. I placed a couple finger on her lips. She trembled and kissed them needily. Her sultry innocence was not making this easy, especially as Rainbow was not letting up her cocktease assault.

“Flut-ters!” I shot the blue speedster a look when she nipped a particularly tender spot. She just waggled her eyebrows. “Flutters, you’re a gooo-od girl, right?”

“Of course, master!” she peeped. Oh, good, she was already in pet mode; that would make things much smoother.

Managing to make sure my eyes didn’t cross when Rainbow moved so that my member was juusst brushing up against her chest tuft, I cupped Fluttershy’s cheek. “Well, Dash is just making things a biiiiiit hard for me-“

“You’re telling me,” she chortled under her breath.

I scowled. “But she’s not giving me what I want. You want to give me what I want, right, sweetie?”

The yellow pegasus nodded quickly. “Of course!” Before I could say anything else, she’d already twisted around so that she could join Rainbow, shoving her glorious booty in my face. “Rainbow Dash! You stop teasing master right now! We’re supposed to be making him feel good!” Her muzzle scrunched up as she lambasted the other mare.

“Faust, Shy,” Dash chuckled. “You are such a beta.”

“I am not!”

“Yes, you are. You’re even wearing a collar! I’m surprised it doesn’t have his name on it!”

“It’s not a collar, it’s a choker! And Nemo says I look very cute in it!”

“Yup, totally a beta.”

Okay, having two women argue on top of my cock was not what I meant to happen. Especially when the puffs of air caused by their subdued quarrel was only making my member twitch achingly, Rainbow’s chest tuft was tickling my scrotum, and Fluttershy’s tail was swatting me in the head to frequently reveal her puffy bottom lips that were drooling with marecum. Any soft groans or whines I might’ve made were ignored as the two fought.

I swear to whatever gods were in this verse, I was going to burn the world down if I didn’t get off soon.

Somehow I managed to catch the tail end of their conversation.

“Yeah, w-well, I bet you couldn’t be h-his pet even if you t-tried!” Fluttershy sniffed.

“Ha! I’ll show you! Bet I can make him cum way more times than you can!” Rainbow grabbed my dick and it throbbed.

Fluttershy quickly followed suit, getting her own grip. “N-nopony can make master feel better than me! Hey, w-wait!”

My eyes bugged out as Rainbow proceeded to swallow my cock. There was no gentleness, no foreplay, no slow entry – just hot, tight wetness in the caverns of the tiny pony’s mouth. The sudden shift from ball-aching stillness to heavenly pleasure threw me over the edge and I unloaded my first shot right into the back of her throat.

Rainbow’s eyes widened and she popped her lips off, coughing frantically, some of my cum dribbling out. Fluttershy whinnied and quickly placed her own back over the tip, suckling to make sure none of it went to waste. I shuddered as her tongue lovingly encircled my shaft and unleashed another load. She made a made a pleased noise and swallowed me down happily.

While I bucked my hips as Fluttershy continued to drink contently, Rainbow flashed me a small scowl. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Buck, Nem, you could’ve warned me.”

“What did you think would haaaapeeeennn…” I moaned loudly as Fluttershy massaged my balls to get every drop out, now bobbing her head up and down without a care. While it was everything I could ever hope for, she made it so difficult to focus. “Flutters, please¸ slow down.”

“Sowwy…” she mumbled around my cock. With a final tender kiss on the tip, she released me but kept her muzzle close by, taking even inhalations. “I just didn’t want to spill any.”

I sighed, my now limp and soaked manhood flopping to the side. “It’s okay. You’re a good, good girl, Fluttershy.” I rubbed a finger on her cheek. She squeed and gave it a lick. Turning back to Rainbow, whose temper seemed a bit cowed by the heartwarming sight, I breathed heavily. “I’m sorry. But really, what did you think was going to happen?”

She smirked. “Never thought our stallion was such a quickshot. Especially with your whole ‘human endurance.’”

“You’ve been edging me on forever! Frankly I’m amazed I lasted this long with how horny I was!”

“So you say~”

“Fucking hell, ya crazy mare, I swear I’m gon- eep!”

Any retorts I could’ve made were cut off when Rainbow lowered her head and licked me from bottom to top. When she reached the top, she lifted my cock up softly and slowly engulfed the tip, ignoring Fluttershy’s quiet protests. Then she began to suck – firmly, her tongue teasing my slit – as she pumped the shaft with both hands, her fingers covered in juices (both mine and hers). The whole time she kept eye contact with me.

I don’t recall going from limp to full mast so quickly. I probably have (these mares were any man’s wet dream come true), but I was bit stuck on the mare lovingly worshipping my pride.

“Rainbow…” Fluttershy mewled pitifully. “Don’t hog him…”

Rainbow took her mouth off but didn’t stop stroking me nor did she break off from staring me down. Her face was completely flushed, but her eyes were defiant. “You were saying?”

“…I’ll be good.”

“Good colt…” She offered me to Fluttershy like I was a piece of candy. “Here ya go, Shy. Let’s show the big guy a good time.”

The larger mare didn’t need any more prompting. She nickered joyfully and went to work.

Time blurred again after that. All I could make out was lots of tongue, lips, and soft fur. Maybe one of them would suck me off while the other lathered my shaft. Maybe one would trail nuzzles up and down while the other did the same with my sack. Maybe both would share the tip between them, trading kisses and licking up anything that leaked out. All the while, they would make coos and whimpers and praises of affection and love whenever I reacted particularly strongly to their lavishing.

Somewhere in the middle of it, I found myself nose deep in pink pony pussy, my hands firmly holding her hips to prevent whoever it was from escaping. Judging from the yellow fur that smelled of the woods and dirt, I was lapping at the golden nectar of my precious Fluttershy. I don’t know when she had positioned her butt right over my face, but I wasn’t about to deny her. Especially whenever she would wiggle, buck, and neigh when my tongue hit just the right spot.

And boy, did Fluttershy squirt when she was pleasured. And a screamer (well, as loud as she could scream anyway). Funny enough I didn’t mind; like, at all. I don’t know if it was because of this crazy world or their diets, but a mare’s delicates had this distinct and unique ‘taste’ to them. As far as I could tell, each was different and every one was more than pleasant. In fact, I was more than happy to go down on my marefriends if it meant I could taste their very core.

Fluttershy tasted of sweet cream – light, airy, and never overwhelming. I drank from her like she was ambrosia, and she did not leave me wanting.

Wanting more of my precious filly, I nibbled on her exposed clit, my nose sinking into her folds. I was rewarded with a subdued cry and a splash of clear-yellow marecum as his clit winks laid kisses on me. Licking at her pussy and inner thighs, I cleaned her as best I could but there was just too much – she was completely soaked and dripping, her labia puffy from arousal.

“Jeez, Shy, that’s like, what, the fifth time he’s set you off?” Rainbow’s scratchy voice drifted in from outside my consciousness. “Thought you said we were supposed to be making him feel good.”

“I, mmm! I c-can’t help iiiitt!” Fluttershy panted back. “Master is just so good to m-eep~!”

One thing that definitely bolstered my ego was how ponies had much less stamina and much more sensitivity than humans. They just didn’t need as much to set them off, especially when foreplay was involved. Nothing that made them a joke – no one-pump-chump bullshit here – but enough that it put me a fair step ahead in keeping my mares happy even with my, er, ‘diminished’ stature compared to normal stallions. My motion was gonna rock their ocean long, long time!

Or maybe not so long as Fluttershy’s plushy thighs tightened around my head as another orgasm rocked through her. The pressure, along with her taste and the constant simulation down under, finally pushed me over the edge. I felt that telltale tightening in my lower abdomen and oncoming rush of heat. I slapped her flank and grunted loudly, hoping it would be enough warning.

Luckily for Rainbow at least, it was. There were no squawks of surprise or outrage as I climaxed, and I could feel a warm mouth carefully suck me off before trading me off to another for a slower finish. Fluttershy moved off me, allowing some much-needed fresh air in, and revealed Rainbow, who crawled up my body, her cheeks somewhat puffed out. She stopped in front and proudly opened her mouth.

Inside was a healthy dollop of my cum caking her tongue and teeth. With a loud and audible gulp, she swallowed, reopened to show it was all gone, and then licked her lips. Even in my mellow state, I was a bit surprised by her overt showing. She snickered at what had to be a complicated expression on my face before it morphed into full-on chuckling.

“Oh jeeze, your face is soaked. Shy did a real number on you,” she laughed. She took a hold of me by the cheeks and started to lick. “Gotta get you nice and clean. If anypony even gets near you, they’re gonna wonder what you did to get her scent all over here.”

Fluttershy squeaked, and I moaned as the noise vibrated through my lower half. Soon though, I was lulled into a serene state as the two lapped at me – Fluttershy with her slow and methodical licks to make sure I was very clean and Rainbow with her quick, precise licks like I was a melting ice-cream cone. Didn’t even matter that I could smell myself on her breath; I’d quickly gotten used to it as all my marefriends made it a point to kiss me after oralplay (something along the lines of, if they were willing to taste me, I should be too).

Rainbow twitched after a quick run about my forehead. “And w-hat do you think you’re doi-?!”

I smirked and bit her muzzle. “What do you think?”

During her cleansing, I’d taken advantage of Rainbow’s position and snuck my arms around her – one perched underneath a wing pit, the other on top of an ass cheek. When I thought she was sufficiently distracted, I struck.

Rainbow shivered and her ears flattened. “C’mon, d~hude!”

“I said I’d get you back, right?” I punctuated my sentence by dipping a finger into her pussy to the first joint, gently rubbing at her insides. It felt like I’d stuck it in molten honey. “Just couldn’t resist the opportunity!” She squeaked as I added another finger, my other hand scratching the sensitive spot where her wing joint met her body.

“Aww~! Shy, help me out here!” She tried to wiggle off, but whether by my hold or no true desire to escape, all she managed to do was just rub herself against me.

I grinned impishly as I pushed further in, this time to the second joint. It felt like she was trying to both suck me further in and push me back out. She wiggled more. “Looks like Fluttershy’s a bit preoccupied at the moment to come to your rescue…”

Rainbow chanced a glance over her shoulder. Like I said, Fluttershy was dead to the world, happily suckling on me like a babe on its bottle. While it did feel good, her movements were more calming than arousing, and she just looked so content with her eyes closed and a small hum vibrating through her and consequently me.

Rainbow turned back and gave me an awkward smile. I returned it with a wicked one. Another subdued cry as I slowly began to pump her with my fingers and dig deeper into her wing pit, careful not to set her off too quickly.

I wanted her to ‘suffer’ after all for the indignity she’d heaped upon me, after all.

It was slow-going for a while. Due to her tiny pegasus frame, Rainbow was incredibly tight and also immensely hot. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was almost nervous that I was going to burn myself touching her. Also, I had to keep gauging how close she was to finishing so I could slow down and calm her with a few light kisses and nips before returning to her ‘torture.’

Of all my lovers, Rainbow was the most sensitive. Her jokes of ‘ten seconds flat’ was a literal overestimation of her pleasure tolerance. Because of that, it was immensely fun to play with her – either to see how long I could edge her on before climax, or how many times I could set her off within a limited time frame. Of course, both avenues left her declaring revenge (and more than often leading into a never-ending cycle of one-upping), but that was just the sort of relationship we had both in and out of the bedroom.

It wasn’t long before Rainbow was shaking her hips backwards to try and get more of me in her. Unfortunately for her, my grip on her wings prevented her from moving too much. After the nth time of sensing her about to finish and pulling back, she growled angrily and bit my shoulder. Her flat teeth didn’t find any purchase, but her frustration in the action was clear.

“Ponyfeathers, Nem, just do it already! You’re driving me mad!”

“Aww… what’s wrong? My little hummingbird can dish it out but can’t take it?”

“Don’ cal’ me ‘at,” she mumbled, closing an eye as I smooched her cheek. “Just get me off, k?”

“Really think you’re in a position to make demands?” I said, even as I moved my hand on her wings further down.

“W-what are you, eep!” Her face burst open as blood flowed in, and she snapped her head to look behind her. “N-no way… C’mon, dude, not there! Now with Fluttershy here!”

“Not where…?” I teased. She glared at me before dropping her eyes and shivering.

“N-not… Not my butt, N-Nem…” She squeaked again. Her tail instinctively covered her privates but could do nothing to stop my roving fingers.

I squeezed her cheeks, my fingers keeping them nice and spread open, and revealed her cute, tiny rosebud. One fingertip circled her puckered flesh, dipping down every once in a while to scoop up her nectar and smear it around.

“Mmm?” I crooned, sneaking another kiss on her forehead. “And why not? You did say you wanted to try this sooner or later, right?” She tried to speak, but her voice hitched when I poked her. “What does it matter if it’s with Fluttershy or not?”

“…you can be a real plothole sometime. Mmmh~!” She moaned as I dug a finger in, taking care not to hurt her. I might’ve been messing with her, but if Rarity taught me anything, it was you should always take every precaution when ‘pleasuring a mare’s derriere.’

She would, the butt maniac.

“Aww… but I want to play with your plothole.”

Rainbow tried to scowl but the effect was ruined by her dopey expression and lolling tongue. “Baassstaaahhh…” Any insults were left unsaid as she caught my mouth, only ending in squeaks or moans as I pleasured her.

Somehow, she was even tighter and hotter inside her ass. I could barely fit the one finger in, and we had been fooling around like this for a while. While anal was not as huge a taboo in Equestria as it was back home, it was still something you only did with lovers you were very close too. So it was even more surprising when Rainbow was the one who’d brought it up (probably had a bullshit match with Rarity).

Not that I was complaining. Always was a bit of an ass man back home, and with pretty much every mare I’d come across having the most glorious of flanks, it wasn’t exactly buried in the back of my mind. So the chance to finger a sporty and tsundere mare down under wasn’t one I’d pass up anytime soon. Somehow her blushes were even better than when I took the normal route!

My fetish…~

It wasn’t long before her flustered and lustful noises brought me back to adequately hard. My cock arched backwards and slapped against her ass, inadvertently jolting my finger in just the tiniest bit further. With a cry, Rainbow finally climaxed and squirted all over my groin. She collapsed, her mane tickling me just under my chin.

As she panted and took in deep, heaving breaths, I looked past her. Fluttershy was kneeling to the side of my legs, her attention firmly focused on Rainbow’s ass. There was a glazed look in her eyes, and her chest heaved with excitement. A dark, e~vil thought came to mind, and I was far enough gone in my lust-addled brain to grab it without consideration.

“Hey, Flutters?” She dreamily responded. “Dashie really seemed to like that right?” She nodded, her lips trembling. “And you like it when we feel good, right?” Another nod. “Soo…”

I removed my finger and spread out Rainbow’s ass as best I could, moving her tail veil to the side. Her rosebud was left open the slightest bit from my intrusion, and you could see just the smallest bit of her pink insides. “How we both make her feel good… together?”

If Fluttershy nodded any quicker, her head would’ve flow off. With barely a second wasted, she scootched over, grabbed Rainbow by the flanks, and dove in. She must’ve been lust-drunk, because I doubt she’d be this willing to eat out Rainbow’s ass so… excitedly.

The moment Fluttershy’s tongue made contact, Rainbow’s eyelids and head shot up and she squealed, panicked whinnies erupting from her. “Shy?! What are you- ahh?!” Fluttershy let out a very un-Fluttershy growl of agression, and Rainbow’s eyes rolled back as she came again. “You c-can’t! Not my as- ahhhhh~!”

Well! If I needed anything to get me up and running, having one of my marefriends anally tonguefuck my other marefriend on top of me would do it. I didn’t spend any time thinking and lifted Rainbow’s ass before impaling her on my manhood. Again, the girl splashed all over me as I hilted and I nearly swallowed my tongue as the velvety vicegrip of her insides threatened to crush and milk me all at once.

Oh fuck me, it was like sticking my dick in a furnace! A wet, sticky, tight furnace that screamed pony and griffonian obscenities into my chest as Fluttershy and I took her at both ends. I was going to have bruises on my shoulders from the way Rainbow was deathgripping them, and possibly on my pelvis as she slammed up and down. And the whole time, Fluttershy never took her muzzle out of the smaller girl’s plot, devouring her like she was a fancy dessert.

Best… relationship… ever!

The sounds of screams, moans, and wet slaps of flesh on flesh echoed through the bedroom. Every time I thrusted into her, Rainbow’s pussy would clamp down and refuse to let me go. These weren’t long, smooth thrusts either; I was jerking into her with quick, frantic humps and she returned the same, with no sort of synchronicity between us. Any playful or loving teases that lead up to this were thrown out the window as we regressed back to animalistic urges. This wasn’t making love or having sex or even fucking – we were rutting.

I shouted in pain and rage when Rainbow bit down hard on my nipple and gave her ass a rough slap. Her wings shot out and flapped around in alarm, the gale from her heavy strokes knocking a few light items in my room over. Another slap, and this time I could actually hear the roar of the wind. The kisses from her clit winking grew so fast and close together it almost felt like a constant vibration on my manhood. The place where we were connected was so soaked and matted from our juices that I was sure I could never use these sheets again and Fluttershy had temporarily left Rainbow’s buns alone to lap at all the collected fluids.

Any words we might’ve made other than each others’ names were lost to our passion and inarticulate cries. Rainbow’s legs gave out after cumming for the ‘I-cant-even-count’-th time, though it appeared like she didn’t even notice as she soundlessly rubbed against me and made small humping motions.

Feeling my own third release soon coming, my hands gripped her ass. My toes curled up, my balls clenched, my teeth grit. Rainbow’s spasming tunnel coaxed me to unload everything I had and I could do nothing but comply to her request. I lifted my hips up and pierced her right to her core.

Things went white for a brief moment and when I collected enough of myself again, it was to a scene of Rainbow drooling haplessly on my chest (the derpiest of satisfied expressions on her and her wings weakly fluttering like she was trying to catch wind) and Fluttershy still with her face shoved into where Rainbow and I were connected and happily cleaning us up. Even though I was quickly wilting, Rainbow refused to let me go, sporadically tightening on me to wring out anything that might’ve been left over.

I honestly wasn’t sure if I had anything left, but even semi-conscious she wasn’t going to let me go that easily. I groaned and tried to move my arms to cuddle the blue pegasus, but found I was too sore and tired. Ugh, was it going to hurt after this…

So worth it though.

I hissed as Fluttershy moved down to suck on my balls, her tongue rolling my sack around with absent-minded glee. After the orgasm I’d just had, they were so sensitive it was almost painful. How was she still going? When did this aggressive sexbomb replace my timid flying flower? No more… too much…!

“Flutters…! Flutters, wait!” Only minor grunts as she nuzzled and sucked some more. I gave a small cry as her ministrations pushed a little more cum into Rainbow’s no-doubt already stuffed womb. “Fluttershy!” I barked hopelessly.

With a start, Fluttershy snapped her head up. Her face was smeared with both mine and Rainbow’s cum and her eyes mildly glassy. As she stared at me, though, the glassiness faded only to be replaced by a dawning sort of horror and shame.

“Oh! Nemo! Rainbow Dash! I’m so sorry! I didn’t… I don’t know what came over me!” She seemed as if he wanted to shrink back into herself, her wings and tail instinctively forming a protective cocoon, but she pushed herself forward and quickly crawled over. Her hands pawed at my chest. “I just… I-I just wanted to make you happy a-and-“

I laughed weakly. “You…” I coughed and licked my lips. “You succeeded.” I nodded my head at the usually mouthy pegasus passed out on me. The corners of my mouth quirked up. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen Skittles fucked this silly before. It’s a good look for her.”

Rainbow mumbled something incoherent. Her pussy twitched again. Fluttershy put a hand to her chest and sighed heavily in relief.

“O-oh, g-good, I g-guess?” Her expression made it seem like she was still wary of having done something wrong.

I smirked listlessly. “Come here, my little butterfly.” I attempted to make a welcoming gesture but nope, still too achy to move. Awesome.

Little by little, she inched forward like a cautious woodland creature before just leaping the rest of the distance. I could taste both myself and Rainbow on her lips. Rainbow tasted like overripe blueberries and damp must, though the latter was more from her less visited region. And me? Blech, as always.

After a short and relatively restrained kissing session, she leaned back and rested her head on the free portion of my chest. She pleadingly took one of hands and placed it on her head, which I somehow found enough energy to pet. Her eyes closed and she sighed happily. Closing my eyes as well, I laid my head back and allowed myself to rest, lulled by the soft rise and fall of Rainbow’s chest on top of me.

Alas, it wasn’t made to last. In much too short a time, my awareness was brought back as something pawed at me. Opening my eyes, I found the pleading visage of Fluttershy, her eyes wide and damp with desire and need. I knew exactly what she wanted.

I couldn’t help but laugh tiredly. “You too? Didn’t you get enough before?” She tilted her head the other way and continued staring, her lower lip beginning to stick out. “Flutters, I swear to Christ you’re gonna suck me dry.”

“Please? I… I want to feel you inside me, too. Your…” She blushed, bit her lip, and spat out, “Your tongue w-wasn’t enough! I want y-your rooster in my kitty-cat!”

I almost choked at her attempt at dirty-talk. Despite that… Damn it, how was I supposed to say no to that? Like any real man would deny a cutie a bout of sweet lovemaking. Only problem was, I wasn’t sure how many good shots I had left in me. I wasn’t a machine – after three (mind-blowing) climaxes I was starting to run a little ragged.

...Fuck it. General, I'm putting you back on the frontline. Our adorasexy constituents back home demanded it.

Fluttershy shrunk back as I leaned forward until she realized I was nuzzling her forehead, one hand somehow managing to clasp hers. "Let's get Dash comfortable then I'm all yours, k?"

She beamed and happily nodded. Between the two of us, we got Rainbow off me and cuddled with a blanket and pillow all her own. Immediately, she curled around it. Since I was still immensely sticky after being inside her for so long, I reached over to get a tissue to clean off so that Fluttershy didn't get sloppy goods but was cut off by the larger mare. I didn't even have to stop to ask what she wanted; all I did was spread my legs a bit.

Silly Shy and her oral fetish. Not like I was complaining. Having a bombshell willing to blow me whenever I wanted wasn't exactly a huge inconvenience. After a quick but thorough cleansing, she popped up and kissed me. Again, blech.

"So... how did you want t- ok then."

Fluttershy nickered at me from in my lap. She had her legs and tail hooked around my hips and waist, arms around my shoulders, and wings draped over me to form a warm, feathery cocoon. My manhood was up against her lower belly, still somewhat flaccid but swiftly hardening as she rocked her hips so her pussy lips warmly rubbed up against it. Like always when we made love, her face was entirely flushed and shaded by some of her mane but her eyes were warm and moist and full of passion.

Both my hands flowed down to cup her ass and she whinnied, moving to nuzzle me. For a bit, we just rocked back and forth as I was massaged back to health. When I was finally topped off, my crotch already a little damp from her twitching lips, I pulled down her head a bit. "You ready?" I whispered.

She whined and rolled her hips. Chuckling, I lifted her up and gently deposited her on me We released twin moans and sighs as she engulfed me, quickly bottoming out.

Fluttershy was warm and tight, but not like Rainbow. While Rainbow's insides boiled and pulled at me greedily, demanding everything I had, Fluttershy's gently held and massaged me like a silk glove. She drew me ever inward, never ordering but still getting me exactly where she wanted me. In my tired state, it was like coming home to a crackling fireplace and welcoming bed. Everything was softness and dreamlike.

Carefully, I lifted her up till I was just barely inside and then dropped her again. She squeaked. I laughed. "More?"

She answered by capturing my lips

We soon fell into a rhythm, alternating between just rocking our hips back and forth or her bouncing slowly on my lap in long, deep motions. My hands roamed across her back, one playing with her mane, the other with her wings. Hers just moved all over the place, never finding one place to land before seeking a new spot to claim. I nibbled her lips and she nickered, mischievously licking my nose whenever I did something she really liked.

Our breathing grew heavier but not overly excited. There was no need to rush, no need to prove ourselves. It was just the two of us, our bodies conjoined and focused only on pleasing each other and reveling in the intimacy that it brought.

She gasped lightly when I took hold of a boob and kneaded it. My fingers found their way to the nipple and tweaked it, eliciting another soft neigh.

"You know," I mumbled into her mouth. "I never got to play with these back in the kitchen..."

"Master can do whatever he wants," she breathed dreamily. "His Flutters is completely his..."

"You're such a good filly."

"Mmm, yay..."

I separated from her and made my way down her chin, neck, and chest, nipping as I went along. When I reached her boob, I gently took the nipple into my mouth and sucked. She moaned and tightened her grasp on my head. Rolling my tongue around, I just satisfied myself with her for a short time. She giggled when I kissed her, sighed when I squeezed, and squealed when I gently latched on with my teeth and pulled on her hard nub. Even with the small amount of pain it might've brought, the simulation more than made up for it because she didn't stop me when I transferred to her other boob and repeated my actions.

Sweat rolled down both of us, her wings catching heat inside and turning the air a little stuffy. It was like we were fooling around underneath several layers of blankets but she didn't make any move to uncover us nor did I ask her, too. Another mating ritual of pegasi if I recalled correctly. As she licked my cheekof sweat and cooed over the taste, I found myself not really minding.

Fluttershy's pussy twitched, froze, and then spasmed. Her tail swished and wings fluttered. "Master..."

"You close, Flutters?" I looked up from my place in her tuft.

She bit her lips. "Do I have permission, master?"

"Silly..." I leaned up and pecked her. "You always have my permission. Now..." I gripped and lifted her up. "Cum for your master."

I slammed her hips down and bucked mine up. She screamed quietly, and her marehood grew slicker with each tiny spasm. I didn't even try to escape as she buried my face between her breasts. It only took a few more rough slappings before her insides twisted themselves and attempted to devour my cock, going from gentle affection to pure hunger in a split-second. Her back arched and she pushed her front to mold against mine. The smell of cream, sweat, and sex filled the air.

Already close myself, I let myself go and came inside her. Her taut insides drew everything they could. Electricity flowed through my body as every single shot landed deep within her, and I felt almost light-headed between the orgasm, heat, and lack of air.

We remained tangled together for a few seconds (mostly because Fluttershy refused to let me go from her pillowy prison and I was too tired to even argue) but soon she crawled off me. Her hands went down to her marehood and spread her lips apart. A little cum dripped out and she nickered, scooping it up and bringing it to her lips.

"So much..." She sighed. "Master is so good to me as always, giving me such a treat..." She sucked on her fingertips and gazed at me smokily. "Maybe he'll even be kind enough to put a foal in me some day, a little reminder that I'll always be his."

She giggled and stuck out her tongue at my gobsmacked expression. "Or maybe later. I still want as much of master to myself as possible for now..."

...She was so much cheekier after a good lay.

Also, refraction period be damned, I was going to pump this filly full of cream until she was definitely pregnant. Alas, it appeared that last spurt had emptied me out so I wasn't going to be putting babies into anyone anytime soon. Well, the whole cross-species barrier put a damper on that, too.

Sure, it was possible, but it required a shit-ton of magic, lots of alchemical drugs, and a very short period during estrus to have any chance of taking.

...Twilight had a put a lot of research into making sure we could have kids if we ever decided to, okay? And when that woman put her mind to it, she was going to find an answer whether it wanted to be found or not. And heaven help it if it was one she didn't like.

Fluttershy neighed and crawled over to me. Without a word, she grabbed Rainbow and positioned her so that the smaller mare was curled up on my right side. Then she moved over to my left. Planting herself down, she wrapped my arm around her and let out a big yawn, her tongue lolling out cutely.

"Hmmm... good night, master Nemo."

"It's morning, Flutters."

"...good morning..."

And with that, she was out.

...Welp, I was satisfied. Tire, aching, and feeling like I'd had my balls put through a wringer, but definitely satisfied. Check off a big old success in the 'first threesome with Rainbow and Fluttershy' box. A bit awkward, especially when Fluttershy had taken the reigns and dominated Rainbow's ass frankly out of nowhere, but still a resounding success.

I don't care how much crap all these girls put me through. No matter what they did, no matter what craziness they dumped on me, no matter how perplexing and insane their behavior could be at times - if this was just one of the many, many benefits being in a relationship with them had (sexual or otherwise), I would take it and die a happy, screaming, terrified man.

Now, sleep. If I knew anything, after the girls got some strength back, they would quickly put me in the grinder again.

Honestly? I was looking forward to it.

Author's Note

Welp, finally back after god knows how long and several changes to the story (mostly minor) and it's with a smut chapter. Hopefully this is a somewhat acceptable olive branch to whoever was actually looking forward to a new chapter. Like I mentioned in my blog, made a few changes - switched to 1st-person, gave main an actual name (if heavily punnish), and altered some bits and pieces.

So yeah, enjoy while I go back to driving myself crazy over the next (real plot) chapter. Guh.

Till next time, criticism appreciated.

Be Open to Possibilities

"You might think this kind of relationship is a bit odd. Maybe you’ve only ever been in one-on-one romances before and the thought of sharing your loved one with others makes you a bit skittish. To that I say, stop being a sorry sack of horseapples! Herds only work if each pony cares just as much about each other or at least accepts the fact that you can have more than one special somepony. Just remember, be open to new things and work towards a common goal. It’s worth it in the end.”

“Do we really have to do this? I’m not in the mood.”

“Look, buster, you promised to continue these weekly sessions, and in return we’d forget all about the whole cake fiasco.”

“It’s not my fault! Who keeps nitroglycerin in their baking supplies!”

“Pinkie does, and you should learn to read labels before you just slop things together! Especially when you’re helping to bake for the welcoming ceremony of a foreign dignitary! I though the griffon ambassador would declare war specifically on Ponyville!”

I crossed my arms in front of me and sunk deeper into the overstuffed chair, a scowl etched on my face. Across from me and mirroring the same expression was an anthropomorphic horse, or ‘pony’ as they liked to be called.

Sure as hell didn’t look like a pony. Not if ponies normally stood on two legs, had fur the color of lavender, wings that could beat a man to death, and a pigsticker of a horn jutting out from their forehead. Though this specific type was called an ‘alicorn,’ as opposed to the earth, pegasus, and unicorn varieties. Oh, right, and she was also a princess. Of friendship, I might add.

How the hell did friendship have royalty anyway? Never mind, the insanity of this world wasn’t worth it.

Princess Purple glared at me before her features softened and she leaned back. She pushed her small pair of spectacles back up her muzzle and tapped her clipboard on her knee. “Look, I know you don’t enjoy these, but they’re the best way for us to learn about each other. It’s still only been about a year since you arrived and there’s so much more we can share. So please, for me, don’t be such a jerk?”

I stared at her, brows furrowed. The two of us were sitting in the mare’s study, surrounded by a sea of books, charts, graphs, and whiteboards. Wherever I gazed had various formulas, dissertations, and lists written, most of which had some mention of me or my race in some manner. The girl really had gone all out with trying to compile all she could about me and my culture, and the fruits of her effort showed. There was enough here to rival a small wing in any library. Ironic, considering she lived in one.

Said mare was sitting up with perfect posture in a scholar’s outfit of blouse, skirt, and labcoat, her pink-purple gradient hair wrapped up in a loose bun. Though as usual for her, there were quite a few unbound and issy strands, several framing her face like she'd just woken up. One of her legs crossed on top of the other, and she occasionally pulled her skirt down when she shifted them so she wouldn’t inadvertently flash me.

She failed. Cute dragon panties, by the way.

“…I had another Derpy incident.”

She winced, feather quill scratching on the paper. “And what happened?”

“What else? She crashed through my window while delivering the mail.”

She relaxed. “That doesn’t sound too b-“

“Then she smashed open my oven, which somehow turned the heat on, and made it flamethrower my fridge.” My frown deepened. “My oven isn’t gas-powered. There’s nothing to ignite”

“Well, maybe it’s a bit-“

“Then she tried to help put out the fire by using the hose extension on my sink but yanked too hard and snapped it off so it sprayed water everywhere and now my kitchen’s flooded.”

“Well at least the fridge was no longer burn-“

“Then the sink caught on fire.”

“Oh, come on!” Her eyes twitching, she tossed the clipboard up into the air. There it levitated, caught in a sparkling aura of purple. The same aura shone from the mare’s horn, letting off wisps of purple like that of a flame.

I smiled darkly. “Like I said, Twilight, not really in the mood.”

Twilight Sparkle, element of magic and princess of friendship, sunk her face into her hands and groaned deeply. Yeah, I felt the exact same way.

It’d been a little over a year since I’d randomly arrived in this crazy pastel world of furries. One night I went to sleep in my single-story house out in the boondocks, and when I woke up I and my house had been transported like some cracked version of the twister from the Wizard of Oz. No reason, nothing out of the ordinary to herald such a thing, I hadn't even been shaken out of my bed as I was dropped in.

Just poof, and now I was surrounded by really friendly if flighty ‘ponies.’ Also, I was stuck with them, because not a single person could tell I how the fuck I got here, and they sure as hell couldn't tell me how to get home.

At least I still had electricity, water, and the metric shit-ton of digital entertainment I’d downloaded before I was cut-off from the glory that was the internet (digital piracy, ho!). Thank god I’d had the foresight to buy that portable generator. Or maybe it was just because I was tired of losing power every time some drunk asshole plowed into the power pole at the corner of my block. Freaky that I used gems to fuel it now but hey, I wasn’t going to look a gifthorse(pony) in the mouth. Being trapped in Ponyland was bad enough; being trapped in Ponyland without the ability to artificially rot my mind and soul would be torture.

Somehow my house had been displaced right on the border of some place called the EverfreeForest. Not so luckily, the Everfree was apparently known for housing some rather dangerous creatures that would just as soon maul me to death then eat me before I even had a chance to react in pants-wetting terror. Actually luckily, I had also been deposited just a ways away from the populated town of Ponyville.

Ponyville. Fuck was that a bad pun. Just like every other city name – Canterlot, Manehatten, Baltimare, Las Pegasus. I wasn’t sure whether it was saccharinely stupid or just egocentric, but why did the citizens have to make horse puns out of everything?

What if I lived in a town like Humanberg or Manville? …actually, that sounded like all kinds of hilarious; forget whatever bullshit I was spewing.

Also somehow, this town was home to literal national heroes – ponies that had saved not only the country but also the world multiple times from their versions of Cthulhu, Caligula, and other infamous individuals who I wasn’t bothering to look up. And one of these legends was sitting in front of me right now, recently ascended to pseudo-godhood like she’d beaten enough rivals in a Pokémon battle.

Wait, was that how it worked? Seemed a bit too straightforward to me. Maybe I should just start calling her Twilightmon. No, wait, wrong game. Maybe…

“Terra to mister human, Terra to mister human, come in…”

I knocked myself out of my random introspection to find Twilight snapping her fingers in my face. She’d gotten up from her seat and was now standing bent over in front of me. I blinked.

“Say, when you turned into a princess, did you start glowing and blinking rapidly?”

Her eyebrows quirked. “What?” She crossed her arms in front of her and straightened up, lips pursed as she glared down at me. “Is this another weird human ritual you haven’t told me about yet?”

“Just trying to figure out what your super evolved form would be.”

She put a hand to her face and sighed. “Just where does your mind go where nopony can follow?”

I smirked. “Somewhere awesome.”

Twilight sighed again. “Look, I understand that today must have been trying. But I’m sure that once we dip into the Derpy Restoration Fund, your house will be back in tiptop shape. Until then, it’s just you and me for right now. So relax, and I’m sure the time will pass quickly.”

I glanced at her, brows further drawn down before I let out my own sigh and relaxed. She was right, of course. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened and it unfortunately wouldn’t be the last. The best I could do was just roll with the flow.

I flicked my eyes up at her. Twilight looked back down, trying to appear stern and authoritative but failing as I noticed her nibbling lightly on her bottom lip. I smiled. “You know, Sparky, for being such an anal spaz, you still give some good advice sometimes.”

She ignored the backhanded part of my compliment. She preened and placed a hand to her chest, raising her chin up proudly as she closed her eyes. “Well, I am the top researcher in the field of friendship after all.”

Yeah… As if that could really be quantitatively proven. Though I had seen a long formulaic equation supposedly denoting the alchemical formula for the chemicals that induced feelings of camaraderie in others somewhere in her mess of a lab, so I guess she had somewhat of an idea on the subject… Probably…? Maybe…?

Oh screw it, let her have her fun. I waved my hand in a wide gesture. “Very well, oh wise and mighty princess, let’s see what dirty secrets I can wrangle out of me today.”

She huffed. “I don’t have to make it sound so risqué! It’s not like I’m asking about anything unethical.”

“Oh?” I asked, brow quirked up.

She stiffened, her face guarded. “W-what?”

“And when you had me look up those grey-or-whatever books, that was-“

“That was just to compare our two world’s tastes and styles in literature!” she barked out, her face turning red underneath her fur. “I just wanted to see what possible differences occurred due to the divergent nature of our evolution and culture. It most certainly had nothing to do with enjoying the tawdry scribblings of an uncivilized jackanape whose idea of romantic intimacy involve sadomasochistic fantasies that would only fulfill the dirty romanticizing of a lonely mare with nothing better to do her life!”

There was a beat in the conversation’s rhythm. “So you don’t want me to transcribe the latest book for your-“

“I never said that!” she let out in a high-pitched scream.

I just stared at her. Her entire face was scarlet mixed with purple now, and she refused to break eye contact, like a frog who just couldn’t break away from the snake that was about to devour it. Or a deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi.

Or a frustrated scientist who liked her smutty romance novellas a little too much.

“…Normal delivery and acquisition rates apply.”

“Agreed,” she said quickly. Her hooves scuffed on the wooden floor as she unknowingly pawed at it.

I said nothing for a moment before bursting out into laughter. As I wiped a tear away, Twilight relaxed, all of her tension running out from her shoulders and wings. I shook my head briefly.

“All right, Sparky, just let it all out. Not like I’m gonna treat you any different because you read porn.”

“It’s not porn!” she bit out. “It’s… it’s…”

“Smut? Fetish fuel? Clop material for lonely housemares?”

“Just, I… just shut up, ok? Celestia, why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?”

I shrugged. “I dunno, cause you’re really fun and cute to tease?”

She stopped short of saying something. Her blush, which had receded just moments earlier, was now back with a vengeance. She stuttered, trying to get something out, but struggled vainly before turning on her hoof and walking back over to her chair. She sat down with more force than usual, pulling and straightening out her skirt and blouse. She took a few deep breaths while I watched in amusement before clearing her throat, fist to mouth.

Twilight tapped her quill on the clipboard. She didn’t look at me, but her blush had waned to a light smattering on her cheeks. “Very well, let’s continue from where we last left off.”

I leaned back and stretched out my arms with a light grunt. “I don’t know why you keep insisting on asking me about my world. I gave you more or less full access to my computer. Can’t you trawl its archives on your own?”

“While that is very useful,” she started, pushing up her glasses again. “There is only so much I can learn from the writings of others. From my time learning about the intricacies of friendship, I have come to understand that sometimes I must seek a more informal way of gathering knowledge. Talking to you, by all my accounts an average human, if a bit foulmouthed and filthy minded,” she muttered the last part under her breath but loud enough for me to hear, “allows me to greater comprehend just how the natural thought processes of humans play out.” She aimlessly scratched on her clipboard. “Though I feel I could bypass some of the more banal information if you just allowed me to view your records of these so-called ‘forums.’”

“The pony world is not prepared for 4-chan,” I proclaimed gravely.

“And when will it be?” she asked in exasperation.

“When you show Discord an untouched piece of land and tell him to, ‘go wild.’”

She shuddered. Yeah, I could see why. Discord was more or less the ultimate troll. Allowing ponies to come into contact with thousands if not millions of lesser versions of the chaos incarnation (even if it was only in a archival format) and not given a way to seal and/or destroy them would bring pony society to its knees…. And then have a gay/mom/cuck taunt thrown in their collective faces.

Giving one last shiver, Twilight readjusted her glasses and ran a hand down the back of her mane, inadvertently plucking out a few more strands of hair from her bun. “Very well, we’ll come back to that subject matter at a later date.” She flipped back and forth through a few pages. “As I recall, we last left off with human reproductive issues and how they varied across culture, race, and religion.” Her face grew dark. “Then you showed me a poorly shot and directed amateur film on one of your country’s lesser celebrities’ misguided and inebriated rutting sessions.”

I grinned at the memory. The way she’d almost fainted and fluffed out her wings was totally worth the magical stun blast I got in retaliation. “Hey, you said you wanted to know about the ‘common man.’ That was the best I could think of for indicating the lowest common denominator’s general conception of mindless sex.”

“Do you want another blast to the face?”

“Sounds like the princess is taking advantage of her royal status to threaten the poor, innocent human.”

Twilight scrunched up her muzzle and a few strands of hair poinged out in different directions. Christ, was she easy to rile up. Just a big ol’ ball of neuro-

“Nemo Outis Nobody!”

Goddamn it, she knew I hated it when anyone used my full name. I curse the immigration officer on Ellis Island who thought it’d be funny to literally translate my ancestor’s surname (it wasn’t even from the same language). Really, it was just another reminder that my family bloodline was just one long succession of each child deciding to make their offspring an inevitable troll, before the word actually meant that.

Thank god being trapped here meant I wasn’t about to have any kids, or else I’d name the poor bastard Anon or something out of pure spite.

Figuring that I was taking things too far (and so she’d stop looking at me like she was), I put both my hands up in a placating motion. “Sorry, Sparky, sorry. Just fucking with ya. I’ll be good, promise.”

Her eye twitched a couple times. “Really?”

I held two fingers to my temple. “Scout’s honor.” Course, I was never really a scout, but she didn’t know that.

The electrified hair settled down and the twitch slowly went away. Twilight took another deep, calming breath. “Very well, if you’re done with being a savage, we can continue.” She began writing notes. “What are humans' thoughts on dating?”

I tilted my head. “It’s… fine, I guess?”

She shook her head. “No, no. How does courtship work in your culture? Is the male or female more dominant in the socioeconomical structure of romantic excursions? Do you initiate mating dances or calls to attract potential mates? If so, what does it entail? What is considered attractive in your race? Appearance, wealth, power, the ability to shape the very fabric of reality? Are you friends first before lovers, or do you just grab one you are attracted to and claim them as your own? How do you determine if the one you are with is your… very special… somehuman?”

I blinked at the deluge of questions. I was used to Twilight throwing stuff at me like she was on a perpetual sugar rush. Hell, it’d gotten to the point where I'd actually learned how to compartmentalize her interrogations and parse them out into intelligent answers. But something about this was… different. She seemed more gung-ho but also more hesitant about what the answers would be.

Also, the fact that she was not drilling her eyes into my soul with sparkly glee like she normally did during these exchanges set off several alarm bells.

I scratched my jaw. “That’s… really kinda hard to say. There are dozens, hundreds, even thousands of cultures back home, and every single one of them is completely different.”

“Well, try then. Just explain a few of the ones that you’re most familiar with.”

So, I did. For the next several hours I talked about most of the western culture-influenced romances I knew about, with some of the eastern cultures for good measure. Frequently, Twilight would interrupt for clarification or to try and draw an analogy by comparing it to the culture of ponies or other races from this world. All the while, she wrote down page after page of notes. Full ones floated off the clipboard to be bound in packets while fresh sheets found their way onto either the clipboard she was holding or one of several that were floating around her that were also being written on.

More than once she made a reference to the menagerie of romance novels she had in the library, including the ones that I knew weren’t meant for public consumption. Each time I teased her, but since she was in her research mania she simply took it in stride, though not without an occasional embarrassed laugh or blush.

“So!” she punctuated with a flourish of her quill. “Much like the information you gave me about how your social hierarchy works, it would seem like things are more patriarchy-based in terms of romantic aggression amongst your species, though of course there are the occasional outliers.”

A rough assessment of my explanations, but considering I was just spouting off half-remembered wiki articles interspersed with the most common clichés I could think of from films and books, it was good enough for government work.

I shrugged. "Sounds about right."

"Okay, and what about your personal assessment of courtship?"

I blinked at her. "My what?"

Twilight nibbled at the end of the quill, her eyes locked onto the clipboard. "How do you feel about dating in regards to your own wants and desires?"

"Uhh..." I glanced up and to the left. I crossed my arms, my tone unsure. "It's... okay? I'm not really sure what you want to hear."

She glimpsed up. "You haven't given it any thought?"

"Sparky, I wasn't in a relationship for a while before I arrived here. I'm a bit rusty. Besides, not like me wanting to date now would make any difference."

She frowned. "What do you mean? Aren't you interested in finding a special somepony?"

"Who the hell would I even start with? Besides..." I leaned back and stretched out my arms. "It's not like I'm into banging ponies."

I heard something clink. I looked back to see that Twilight had dropped her quill on the floor, the metal nib clacking nosily. She was still, horror and despair splashed across her face. I blanched. The hell was up with her?

When she noticed that I was staring at her, Twilight hurriedly picked up the quill, almost dropping it a couple times as she scrambled to calm herself. She failed, instead raising her clipboard to cover her face. Okay, now I was really worried at her reaction. All I said was that I wasn't into furries. Why would that strike fear into her?

"So..." I heard her gulp loudly, her voice trembling. "You're not attracted to ponies?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

"But don't you tend to call us cute?"

"Well, sure, ‘cause you guys are freaking adorable." With their slightly larger and expressive eyes, a muzzle that was just long enough to give them an otherworldly appearance, and ears that acted as the most obvious emotional barometer ever, ponies (and most of the other races in general, even the changelings) would take the internet by storm. "But I don't exactly find you sexy."

...okay, so that was a bald-faced lie. Despite the fact ponies could fall squarely into the uncanny valley at times, their actual bodies were...

I wasn’t sure whether it was their diet, the friggin' magic that infused everything, or if this world's creator was just that much of deviant, but the creatures here had the 'healthiest' bodies I'd ever seen. Even the ones that were considered less than average were still in the top ten percent of anything I'd find back home. Sure, they had just a wide variety of structures as humans did, but even their extremes were always just short of being anorexic or obese; they were instead either gracefully slim or pleasantly plump and they were all attractive to that reptilian section of my hindbrain.

Damn it, why did awesome boobs, butts, and legs have to be universal?

Even Twilight, with her doughtier curves from always cooping herself in her lab, still managed to turn my head when she walked past me in that gleeful yet nervous prance of hers, and the amount of times I snuck a peak when she was bent over looking for something were higher than I felt comfortable with. She had a great ass that jiggled just the tiniest bit and fuck I wasn’t into furries fucking hell!

Great, now I was thinking about ponies that way and it was all Purple Spergle's fault! I needed an excuse to leave before I said something stupid that wasn't on purpose.

Unfortunately for me, Twilight had locked onto something and wasn't going to let me go until she'd dissected the problem to her satisfaction.

"W-well," Twilight said, regaining her composure and adjusting her glasses. A terrifying glint of light (of SCIENCE!) bounced off the lens. "Even if you aren’t attracted to ponies physically, surely you don't want to live the rest of your life alone?"

She glanced off to the side. "I'd hate to bring it up, but you do know that we have no viable way of sending you, or even finding your way, back home." Her face drooped, soft snorts accompanying her falling expression.

I sighed. "Sparky, you don't have to feel sorry for me. I know you tried my best." And really, she had. When it finally became clear I wasn’t leaving, her expression almost made me want to comfort her instead of lash out at the realization I was stuck.

Course, I did still punt Owlicious through the window right after but that was for an entirely different reason. Little bastard shouldn't have used my shoes as a pellet receptacle.

"I know that, but it's still unfair to you." She sniffed and pushed the ball of her hand up against her eye. "And it's also unfair that you plan on spending the rest of your life alone. Nopony should have to live alone without finding somepony that really cares about them."

I pouted. "Hey, I've been doing pretty okay so far."

"Oh really," she said, her eyes locking onto I. Shit, she was doing the flame eyes again. What was with her sudden mood swings? She could flip from melancholy to righteous fury at the drop of a hat. The girl needed some mood stabilizers, stat.

...or at least needed to get laid real ba- okay off that topic now! I didn't need to wake up the general with images of Twilight sweating and calling out my name while I plowe-

FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!

"Are you listening to me?" Twilight thankfully interrupted my very unwanted thoughts.

"Hm?" I looked at her, my eye subtly twitching as I bit the inside of my cheek.

"You weren’t listening at all, were you?" she deadpanned.

"Probably not."

Twilight sighed and put a hand to her temple. Oh thank heavenly Buddha her annoyance at me was throwing water on my flames.

...though I did enjoy her looks of exasperation and frustration when I managed to tick her off. It always made her look livelier than when she was trying to be all scholarly and shit.

...I was glad no one could hear my thoughts. That was mushy as fuck.

"As I was saying," she strained, one lock of hair sproinging at a ninety-degree angle. "Having a special somepony would actually be beneficial to your mental and emotional well-being."

I frowned. "How do you figure?"

"Well, for one major point, it would give you an emotional anchor to disperse your feelings of social attachment in a more widespread and healthier process through that pony."

I gave her a blank look. "...what?"

She sighed, one corner of her lips quirking up ever so slightly, though I couldn't tell if it was in a grimace or smile. "If you have somepony to care about deeply, it'll help you make friends easier."

"Hey, I have friends!"

"Oh, really? Name one!" She cut me off before I could slap her down. "And me and my friends don't count! We have to literally drag you around to get you to do anything sometimes!"

I was quiet for a moment. "Spike."

She nodded slowly. "I'll count that as a maybe. Though you may be more of a bad influence than an actual friend." Her frown and face grew darker. "You should be glad I still let him hang out here when I'm busy with work."

I get the young drake caught up in one (okay, maybe more than one concurrent) arson incidence and they never let me live it down. Or let me within fifty meters of several stores in downtown Ponyville. I swear I thought inflammable meant something different!

"That's one. Keep going."

I smiled. "Berry Punch."

"Your bartender doesn't count. In fact, anypony who just supplies you with booze is automatically disqualified." She gave me a fierce look when I tried to debate her on that, so I took the hint and shut up.

"Fine, uh..." I snapped my fingers at how I didn't think of her before. "Vinyl Scratch." Man, she was one kickass pony. How come she wasn't first on my list?

"She doesn't count either. Calling her a friend is like calling Pinkie one. She's more an indisputable facet of your life that you can never escape." Twilight looked down, a hint of red tracing her cheeks and ears. "Even if I find her nightly escapades to be a bit too... rambunctious for my tastes."

Ha, yeah, Vinyl was such a slut. She sucked more peen than a Catholic schoolgirl and cleaned more muff than a carpet steamer.

But shit, that really didn't leave me with much. Sure, I wasn’t exactly an asshole to the town's general populace but neither was I buddy-buddy with any one of them in particular, even after living amongst them for a good time. There was really only one pony that did tend to follow me around, and I wasn’t sure as to whether that was a good thing or not. Still, I had to come up with something to show up little miss princess pants.

I tilted up my chin.

"Lyr-"

"No way! Invalid! Crazy feet lady doesn't count! End of story!" Twilight chomped at the bit, her eyes bugging out.

I threw my hands up in resignation. "Well, shit, Sparky, what do you want from me? You want me to admit that I'm just a lonely sack of crap who couldn't make friends if I was the king of Awesometown?"

"I don't think towns have kings..." she muttered softly, rubbing her chin. She jumped up in her seat. "And no, I don't want you to degrade yourself like that! I just want you to admit that maybe getting a marefriend would be good for you! Maybe having a special somepony around would help polish off your rougher edges!"

"And what would you suggest then?" I leaned forward, planting my chin on my upturned palm and resting my elbow on my knee. "Because I don't exactly have mares throwing themselves at my feet. You pretty much proved I barely have friends to begin with."

Twilight suddenly became very docile. She looked everywhere except at me and started to play with her fingers. I idly noted that she was smearing ink on her hands, staining her light purple fur to a near ebony black. "Well, um..." she tittered. "I'm sure there's somepony out there for you. I mean, you have looks, even if they're not really good by pony standards... and you have a... unique, I can say, brand of humor and... and..." She brainstormed for a few seconds before clapping her hands together. "Oh! You can be really nice when you’re not being such a rude, unassailable jerk!"

I just looked at her with the most deadpan expression I could muster. Her cheeks twitched as I kept up the piercing stare. I sighed and bowed my head. "Okay, so you’re either trying to flirt with, console, or insult me." I raised a finger. "You’re succeeding at one… and not even very well at that."

She bunched her hands up and thrust them down. "Oh, geeze! Would you just take me seriously?"

"Look, I'm doing my best here, but you’re doing a great job explaining why I'm going to die alone."

"That's not what I meant at all!" she cried. Tears formed at the corner of Twilight's eyes as her cheeks puffed out to absurd and yet endearing proportions. "Listen, Nemo!" she pointed at me, her finger a spear aimed straight for my very being. "I just want you to answer one question!"

"And that is...?"

"We're friends, right?"

I laughed slowly, a real smile spreading on my face. "Yes, Twilight, we're friends. You don't need me to confirm that for it to be true." Even if she did light up like the sun whenever I did.

Her eyes softened. She glanced briefly to the side and cleared her throat with a pompous 'harrumph.' "Very well, then as my friend I find it to be in your best interest to enter the dating scene, so as to broaden your horizons and rehabilitate you back into a friendly, social environment."

"Oh really?" My lips cracked into a self-indulgent smirk. "And how do you plan on doing that?"

Twilight stood up, put her fists on her hips, and stuck out her chest. "I'm going to set you up on some dates!"

I thought for a moment, held out a finger, brought it back, held it out again, opened my mouth, and then closed it. I tried again, only this time with actual words. "...I'm sorry, what?"

Well, I did only try.

"I'm going to set up some dates for you," Twilight repeated happily. She continued, ignoring my blank face as I tried to process what the hell was happening. "By adding romantic variables to your normally doldrums lifestyle, we'll be able to activate a catalyst in your emotional drive leading to us to figure out just what it is you’re looking for in a mare and therefore push you to open up more to others in order to be a more well-balanced and healthy individual in society!"

"...I'm sorry, what?"

Look, I was really caught off-balance with this whole proposal. Twilight was trying to play matchmaker for me? The same girl who though harlequin novels were a viable strategy to researching love? Hell, she was related to a demigoddess of love! Why wasn't she bugging her for help?

Twilight pumped her fists and held them to her chin, her eyes gaining that same sparkly quality that always led to headaches for all involved. "Yes, that's how we'll do it! For friendship!"

Finally finding my voice, I uttered, "But I-"

Like a burst of gamma radiation, Twilight briefly disappeared from sight in a conflagration of lavender fireworks only to appear barely centimeters in front of me, the two of us almost touching nose-to-nose. Her eyes were mad were glee, and her teeth were a cacophony of grinding screeches.

"Friendship!"

She strangled the word like it kicked her puppy. Like it owed her money. Like it was her bitch.

"Okay, okay!" I squawked. "Just stop looking at me with your Sparkle Spergle eyes!"

She leaned back from shredding my soul with happy Science rays and beamed. Her grin became less insanity-inducing and more peppy, darling pony smile. "See? If I just agreed like this all the time, things would be so much easier for all involved!"

I took a deep, heaving breath. "Yeah, at the risk of shaving years off my lifespan."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

She nodded. "Good human!" Like I was an obedient pet, she stood on her tiptoes to pat the top of my head. I rolled my eyes at the gesture and she smiled cheekily in return, her wings fluttering ever so slightly. When she was done, she spun on her hooves and skipped back over to her chair, her hips having an extra 'oomph' to them.

...okay, yeah, she had a cute tush. I just wish she didn't have to reap my soul for me to witness it.

Twilight picked up her clipboard. She flipped through it, humming perkily to herself. "Oh, this will be so fun! I already have several willing and ready candidates for you!"

I blinked. "Wait, you already have something set up? I don't feel very comfortable just jumping in like this." It was one thing to agree to the whole crazy scheme; it was another to just roll over and let the purple spaz run roughshod over me without any resistance.

"Don't worry," she beamed, flapping a hand. "It isn't anypony you don't know."

"Really?"

"Mmm!" she nodded rapidly. "It's going to be me and the girls!"

"Oh, well, that's a relief." I folded my arms and nodded. Then the recognition of her words finally struck me. "...hah?"

"Well, we do know you best after all, and it's only fair to ease you back into the dating pool with somepony that you've known for a while. Besides, it'll allow you to open up more easily if you’re with a familiar face!" She said it like it was the most obvious and logical thing in the world. I really worried how her brain functioned sometimes...

"I don't know about this, Sparky. Isn't that kinda... dangerous? From where I'm from, dating in your group of friends – which, I remind you, is apparently just you girls – usually doesn't end too well."

"Then it's a good thing you’re in Equestria and not back home! Nopony would let something like this break up their friendship." She went quiet at my skeptical expression. Her whole body drooped, from her face to her limbs to her wings. Even her horn seemed less pointy and upright. Twilight's eyes sunk to the floor, her arms holding the clipboard to her chest.

"Are you really that against the idea?" she asked softly. She suddenly sounded very vulnerable.

I was quiet for a bit. What did I really think? On one hand, I wasn’t really looking to jumping into the game, but on the other, Twilight seemed honestly worried about my prospects. Would it really be all that bad to just go along with her experiment like I normally did? At least this time it wouldn't end up with me missing things I didn't want to go missing... probably.

I scratched my cheek. "And this isn't anything serious, right? It's just a way to get me to make friends?"

Twilight nodded fiercely. "Of course! Think of it... think of it like a practice date!"

"Practice, huh...?" I stared at the ceiling and then cracked my neck. "Oh... what the hell. Not like I'll lose anything if I go through with it. You got yourself a deal, Sparky."

"Excellent!" she squealed. Suddenly I had an armful of super-energetic and wiggling pony, Twilight nuzzling me in the way her kind did. She actually hopped in place, her wings flapping weakly to keep her levitated for an extra moment so she could get good and into the crook of my neck before she settled back down. Her face was that of pure joy. “You won’t regret this, Nemo, I promise!”

Fuck, these ponies were going to be the death of me - cardiac arrest caused by cuteness overload.

Twilight pushed away from me, but not before she- did… did she just sniff me? She nodded as if pleased with what she found and began mumbling to herself.

…ponies were weird.

"Oh, there's so much to do! First, I have to contact the girls and tell them that the first part was a success. Then I have to..." Twilight delved into the deep, neurosis-laden portion of her psyche, paper flying around her as her magic suffused the room, while I watched in introspective silence. Or at least as navel-gazing as someone with my downright refusal to think too deeply could handle.

This was really happening, right? Somehow I had hooked up a date with six of the closest people- no, ponies- wait, women- mares- whatever-! I'd known since I arrived here. At least it was something that they'd come up with, so I didn't have to worry about seeming like a creeper. Though there was still the question of what I was supposed to do now.

"Yo, Sparky, ya in there?" I snapped my fingers in her face.

"But then I have to consider the sociopolitical ramifications of cross-species fertili- huh, what?" She sputtered, coming back to the land of the (relatively) normal.

"You want to tell me what's gonna happen next?" I asked bluntly.

"Oh! You’re going on a date tonight!" she smiled.

"What, already?" Wasn't that a bit short notice?

"Mhm! Oh, it'll be so much fun! But your partner will be a surprise, so be on your best behavior!" Twilight looked me up and down. "I know, maybe you should dress in something nice; not too formal but not so casual either. Oh!" She perked up. "Wear that green overshirt with the amethyst lapel buttons, the one Rarity made for you last month. You'd look good in that!"

She nibbled on the pen. "And we'll have to set up a schedule to make sure everyone gets a fair share of your time. Maybe set up a rotating block to properly spread out the full romantic environment." She glanced back up at me, seemingly surprised that I was still there. "Well, get to it! Your date will be at your house this evening!"

I said and did nothing. Something tickled at the back of my mind, small suspicions that grew larger at how everything was just falling too easily into place. I fixed Twilight with an even stare. "Why does this seem a little too well-planned out?"

She froze, her smile stuck in a crazed rictus. She turned towards me, each movement of her neck creating a small crackling sound. "Whatever do you mean?" She did not make eye contact, instead looking everywhere but my face. Her voice was slightly hiccupy, not willing at all to settle on one pitch.

"Twilight..." I warned, my tone rising.

"There's no time! You have to prepare! Okay see you have fun bye!"

With a pop, my world burst into purple sparkles and I found myself outside of the library, staring at the closed door set into the giant tree's trunk. I had half a mind to barge back in but figured it would end the same way, and I really didn't need to waste time playing 'teleport the human' for the rest of the day.

The fact Twilight could teleport me even with my apparent resistance to ‘magic’ was scary enough. Apparently she just brute-forced her way through every time. I was lucky she didn’t accidentally leave bits-and-pieces of me behind each time she surprised me… I think.

…that girl scared me.

Instead, I might as well take Twilight's advice and start getting ready for my 'date.'

Wow, it actually hit me. I actually had a date, the first one in a few years. I shrugged to myself. Well, it's not like I was dreading it. Considering it was the girls I'd spent the last year getting to know, it wasn't going to be too heavy or awkward. I'd just treat it like any other outing I had with them, only attach a different moniker to it.

With that compromise firmly set in mind, I headed home, willing to admit I had a bit more spring in my step than when I'd started the day.

Well, it was go time. The sun was beginning to set and I was ready for whatever those girls were going to throw at me. After letting the reconstruction crew in to fix up my kitchen from the latest Hurricane Derpy (shit, I was only number three on their docket... for that day), I'd spent the remainder of the day cleaning up the place and then freshening up for my date.

I didn't put too much effort into it, but I at least had the common courtesy of showering, shaving, and brushing my teeth so as to not offend their fairer senses. Also because if it was Rarity who was showing up, she'd bitch and moan at lengths about what a gentleman should be prepared to do when accompanying a lady.

I did not need that shit tonight.

Now that I though about, I was actually kind of anxious as to who the first victim would be. And they would no doubt be a victim - the first sacrificial lamb of this whole debacle. I was convinced they were doing this out of pity or a misplaced sense of friendship, especially since more often than not I drove them wild more with rage than passion.

Well, I would at least try to show them a good time, though I was certain that anything I showed them would pale in comparison to someone who actually shared their interests and history.

Great, now I was getting all mopey. Buck up, ya piece of shit. I was gonna have fun with a lovely mare tonight!

My doorbell rang. Ah, and there was the poor soul now.

The doorbell rang again.

Then again.

And again.

Then it rang in the pattern of 'shave and haircut' followed by a longer jabbing of 'two bits.'

I had a pretty good idea of who my first date was going to be. Strolling over to the entrance, I opened it and swung it inward. I looked outside and then down, lowering my gaze by about a foot.

My guest raised a hand in mock salute. Her plump form jiggled at the motion, pleasing to the eye in all the best kind of ways. Her cotton candy-like mane and tail poofed out like an untamed cloud with a mind and life all their own. Her radiant grin and bright blue eyes showed a glee that couldn't be contained and was more than willing to spread to any prepared (or unprepared) soul.

"Hey there, Nem-Nem! I'm here for our date!"

I smiled fondly after a brief moment. Yeah, she seemed like the perfect date to start off with.

"Hey, Pinkie. Glad to have ya."

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

And thus the plot starts! Unleash the cute scenes!

So yeah, this is the 'true' start of the fic. The first chapter chronologically takes place a while after the planned epilogue, so the rest of this story is build-up to the hopefully satisfying payoff.

So, we make way for the 'dating' arc. As expected, each of the M6 will get a chapter devoted to them, as well as several flashbacks to show their connection to the MC and why they would be interested in him to the extent of everyone ending up dating him. And yes, the MC is designed to allow the reader to insert themselves into his place. I simply chose the 'Anon' tag because he's literally made to fulfill the broad strokes of humanity as a whole.

Also, it looks like I made Twilight a tsundere. ...I'm honestly not sure how to feel about that.

Also, also, wow - four days on the featured list, two of which were at number one. I'm flattered.

Till next time, criticism appreciated!

Find Common Ground

"One of the first things you must consider in a herd is how to get along with your herdmates. Love and friendship can only blossom if you are willing to understand one another. One excellent way of doing so is finding if anypony has similar interests. Sports, hobbies, fashion, entertainment – any one of these can be a gateway to finding that you have more in common than you first thought, and by doing so, allow you to break new ground that brings you all closer together. Try to find something in common and the possibilities for a burgeoning relationship are endless."

Fuck was this world weird!

I’d only spent a day here and already I wanted to find a way back as soon as possible. Killer bears, judo ponies, crazy scientists – what the hell would I get thrown at me next?

It was bad enough I was dropped off into a furry freak’s wet dreams; it was even worse that I had no idea how or why. At least the inhabitants were nice enough, even if they made every single alarm in my tiny human brain go off with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

Not only were there normal horse humanoids, there were even pegasus and unicorn varieties. Oh, and magic was a thing here too. Between all the flying, levitation, explosions, and other insanity, I wasn’t exactly sure what was real and what was the last fevered dreams of a dying man. I initially thought that this was the worst acid trip of my life, but then I remembered I never touched the stuff and booze didn’t exactly have innate hallucinogenic properties to it.

So yeah, this was real… and absolutely exhausting.

Frankly, all I wanted to do was go back to my house, get wasted on whatever alcohol I still had left, and then go on the greatest bender in my life. But I knew better than to do that.

I was going to go back to my house, get wasted on whatever alcohol I still had left, and then go on the greatest bender in my life. Without wearing pants.

Very similar but also quite different, the two plans. Pantsless was always the more sophisticated choice.

I did wonder if either of the two ponies/aliens/furries I’d mostly interacted with would come to visit me the next day during my already predicted hangover. They seemed nice enough, even if one could barely string two words together without getting flustered and the other wanted way too many ‘samples’ from me.

Also, they had the whole petting zoo look that made I want to feed them sugarcubes while they begged for ear scratches.

The sun was just beginning to set by the time I reached where my house had mysteriously appeared in this ‘Equestria’ place. I could see it nudging just up against the tree line where the EverfreeForest started – home to hungry, hungry bears and other monstrosities. Oh, and ridiculously strong and fluttery animal wrestlers.

But the real monster that garnered my attention was the leviathan of a confectionary blocking my front door. I walked up to examine the nearly meter-tall cake that had been plopped right on my doorstep. It was three tiers tall, each layer nearly a foot in height. The frosting was a bright, nearly eye-searing neon, pink, laced with ribbons of blue icing in the shapes of balloons and smiley faces. It looked delicious and certain to cause me type 2 diabetes if I even tasted it.

I… guessed it was a welcoming gift? Thoughtful, but it raised a few questions. One, who had made it and how the hell had they even known I’d arrived? I was only with the purple and yellow pone for most the day, and any others had only seen me in passing.

Two, and more importantly – the fuck was I supposed to get this inside? The cake was wider than my doorframe and had to weight a ton. In fact, how'd they even gotten it to my house to begin with? It wasn’t exactly a short trek to the outskirts where my house was located, and these ponies didn’t seem to have access to heavy machinery… or even cars for that matter.

Still, at least the thought counted. I wouldn’t admit it out loud, but the small (okay, huge) token of goodwill did help to ease my nerves after what most people would call the advent to a wonderful mental breakdown. I could get into my house through a window or something. Wouldn’t be the first time I’d forgotten my keys and had to scrounge up a substitute one (also known as the rock locksmith).

Something caught my eye. A greeting card, also ridiculously pink in color so it almost blended in with the frosting, stood up proudly on top of the cake. On the front, in bubbly, looping penmanship, was the single word, ‘welcome,’ with four exclamation points after it. Figuring that it was sent by the person(s) that’d dropped off the cake, I plucked it off to read.

I needed a name to attach to my thanks to, as well as a good-natured dope slap about the do’s and dont’s of unauthorized pastry dumping.

When I opened it, music started to play, a tinny, high-pitched tune that reminded me of a calliope. Huh, so they didn’t have phones but they had singing greeting cards? Well, to each their stupid, shortsighted own.

I looked up from the card when something else caught my attention. A rumbling sound emanated from the cake, almost as if in response to the musical card.

Why was the cake vibrating? That didn’t look safe.

And then it exploded.

Frosting, batter, icing, and who knows what else flew everywhere as the top of the giant cake erupted upward and outward. Through the haze of frosting covering my eyes, I distinguished a single feminine figure jump out from inside the cake.

The mare had neither horn nor wings, so she had to be a normal ‘earth’ pony that populated this land. She was pink, very pink, almost the exact same pink as the cake that now plastered my house’s siding, door, windows, lawn, and about sixty-five percent of my body. A poofy magenta mane and tail, eyes that sparkled like the sea in the setting sun, and a short, chubby frame - all packed inside a dancer’s outfit that struggled to hold her many luscious curves and chunks. I noted somewhere in the idler portions of my mind that the clothes resembled the strange courtesan outfits found in wild west films – a mix of seductive and cute that somehow combined a wholesome, nearly full-length dress with cleavage and fishnet stockings.

The unknown and clearly crazy pony took a deep breath, her whole body swelling comically. Behind her, a massive organ, one that by all laws of physics and basic storage sense shouldn’t have fit into the cake, started to blare a louder version of the calliope music from the card. Just as the music hit the refrain, the mare belted out into song and started a full dance-number... while never leaving the confines of the cake.

"Welcome welcome welcome~
A fine welcome to you!
Welcome welcome welcome~
I say how do you do?
Welcome welcome welcome~
I say hip hip hurray!
Welcome welcome welcome~
To Ponyville today~!"

She barely completed her song before she giggled giddily, wiping her brow. “Wow! I thought you’d never arrive! I was wondering how long I’d be stuck in there! I was this close to eating my way out and ruining the surprise!”

Hopping down from the cake, the mystery pony bounced joyfully on the back of her hooves before she caught me in a full alien face-hugger embrace. She didn’t even seem to notice or care that she was smearing the frosting covering me on her nice and (relatively) clean dress.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville!” She craned her neck to look at me, a considerable feat since she was barely eye level with my chest, the large feather in her hair threatening to smack me in the face. “What’s your name?”

Faced with such a compact sequence of mind-blowing oddities, I did the only thing I could do.

I laughed my godforsaken ass off.

Somehow, it seemed only appropriate when the newly introduced Pinkie joined me in the completion of my full and truly satisfying mental collapse.

If there was one word to describe Pinkie with, it was ‘energetic.’ The girl never seemed to be able to stand still, always springing around or just vibrating silently like she was an atomic bomb of glee waiting to go off. Bouncing on my doorstep, her bright attitude and capricious grin did nothing to invalidate this preconception.

Pinkie smiled sneakily and elbowed me in the stomach. “So, so, are ya excited? You’ve got me allll to yourself for the night. What horrific things do you have planned for this poor Pie?”

I snorted and plopped a hand on her head, ruffling her wild mane with a rough fondness. Despite sticking out like a bush in no discernable direction, Pinkie had the softest hair I’d ever laid hands on. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was made from actual cotton candy; the mare ate enough sugar to be part confectionary.

She made a happy noise and grabbed at my hand, sticking out her tongue and making a raspberry. Those ridiculous baby blue eyes stared up at me, and she held back a whinny as I pushed back her resisting hands to rub at her head some more, displacing the blue hairband that struggled to keep her beast of a mane in check. Pinkie responded by pulling my hand down and licking the palm, her long, thick tongue sweeping up and past my fingers.

I immediately withdrew my hand, her slobber all over it. She giggled again, only becoming stronger at my mixed look of exasperation and mild disgust. I shook off the drool. “Really, Pinkie?”

“What? You taste yummy!”

I groaned. There were just some things I couldn’t handle. One of those was Pinkie's inane and seemingly random displays of affection. And that’s what this was – a show that she was close enough to me to even drool all over me and not get smacked for it. Well, I’d still smack her… but not that hard.

I flicked her in the forehead. “C’mon, let’s get this train wreck over and done with.”

“Okily dokily!” Pinkie pushed past me and pronked (yes, there was a term for her strange conglomeration of hopping, skipping, and pogoing used for locomotion) into my house.

I shook my head and closed the door behind me. “So, what do you have planned?” I asked before stopping to take in the complete, silly sight.

Pinkie spun around on her hooves, her arms wide open as she aimlessly twirled around. Her eyes were closed and mouth was open while she let out a subdued (for her) and prolonged cry of ‘wheeeee…!’ I waited for a few seconds for her to stop, but she didn’t seem to have any intention to.

Look, as cute as it was to see the pink mare act like a child in the middle of a sugar high, I kind of wanted to move the night along. At least quickly enough before something inevitably happened to spoil it.

“Pinkie,” I said, no color or texture to my voice. “What are you doing?”

“Wheee… huh?” She stopped her twirls and came to a standstill. She raised her shoulders and bit her lips, grinding her hoof into my carpeted floor. Her ears swiveled. “Sorries! I’m just really happy! This is my first date with you and I’m really looking forward to it!”

…ow, my heart. “Uh, sure, Pinkie. I was looking forward to it, too.” And somehow, I knew that I wasn’t just spouting meaningless platitudes. As weird as this whole situation was, I had to admit that there was a mild sense of excitement to it.

Pinkie took my words at face value. Her face lit upon and she sprung forward, clasping her arms around my neck and planting a wet, sloppy kiss on my cheek. I frantically grabbed at her to make sure she didn’t pull me off my feet.

Ironically, the kiss didn’t fluster me that much. Ponies seemed to be a lot more tactile in their shows of affection - always hugging, nuzzling, or kissing without much deeper meaning to it. And Pinkie was the queen of skinship; there wasn’t a day that she didn’t kiss, hug, or demand snuggles from me whenever we met up.

Frankly, I think it was mainly thanks to her that I was even comfortable with persistent platonic bodily contact with the opposite sex that I never would’ve agreed with back home. Like hell would I be okay with having a female friend sit in my lap like Pinkie tended to do without getting all kinds of inappropriate thoughts.

And Pinkie didn’t exactly make it easy for me to think otherwise. Having her give me a ludicrously drawn out and noisy smooch as her hands wandered made me acutely aware of the warm and fluffy body in my arms.

Just like there was only one way to describe Pinkie’s demeanor, there was also only one way to describe her form. And that phrase was ‘shortstack.’

At just a couple inches under five feet, Pinkie was short for an earth pony but quite easily made up for it by having a stocky frame. She wasn’t fat, but she had plenty of love handles and a pudgy belly to go along with her larger-sized chest and wide hips and thighs. There was always a nice jiggle to her in all her motions. Her face was similarly rounded, with chubby cheeks and full lips that somehow managed to be adorable and pouty at the same time. Hell, even her mane and tail somehow managed to be chubby with how voluminous they were.

Some might think she was out of shape in all her jiggly grandeur, but I knew better. I’d seen the muscles under it all flex, revealing an extremely dense musculature that could crush boulders with ease.

That wasn’t an exaggeration; I’d literally seen the mare punch through a rock face the size of a house with less effort than it would take her to eat a donut. With less enthusiasm, too.

All in all, it made her a particularly smexy bundle of joy and, with the way she threw herself at me, made me sometimes wonder if she knew the effect she had. With her, it was probably all in good, clean fun.

Probably. Possibly. Hopefully…?

Speaking of which…

I had to yank Pinkie off me, holding her at arms’ length while she licked and smacked her lips. “Well, ya done eating my face?” I asked tartly.

Pinkie gave one final smack, stuck her tongue out, and looked up. “Hmmm… yup! I think I’m good!” She focused back on me, her face beaming.

For the first time since she’d arrived, I took a good look at the pink pony. I noticed that she was wearing rather casual clothing for what was supposed to be a date. Not that I was complaining. She looked (as she would put it, always with a food pun) scrumptious. She wore a dark red tank top over flared sky-blue short-shorts with blue-and-yellow striped socks from mid-thigh down. Her thick legs happily pressed up against the fabric of the hems, creating an indent in the flesh that lent to the absolute strike zone between pants and socks. Her belly poked out between the tank top and shorts, a happy roll of fluff and probably five pounds of ice cream.

I could also make out her underwear showing out from underneath her tanktop, the bra straps tangled up with those of her top and the cups not properly aligned with the collar. Like always, she was wearing something overly frilly and completely clashing with the rest of her ensemble.

…what? I’d spent enough time with the unabashed mare to learn her taste in lingerie. She certainly hadn’t tried to hide it, especially that one time she had me carry a bag of laundry so overstuffed it literally exploded in mid-downtown.

That poor elderly stallion. Drowned in a sea of panties and bras… Pretty sure he went down with a smile on his face, though.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I discovered Pinkie was licking my hand again, obviously trying to break me out of my self-imposed revelry.

I snapped my hand back. “Damn it, Pinkie!”

“What?” she said piteously. Her tail waggled droopily. “I just wanted you to pay attention to me!” Her eyes narrowed and she leaned over, giving me a nice view of her cleavage. I noticed that her chest tuft seemed extra fluffy today. “Or maybe you were looking too much?”

Pesky little flirt. Pinkie always enjoyed having a good time, whether that was through parties or teasing.

“Yes, yes,” I said in a tone designated for talking to a precocious child. “You’re very, very cute and I can’t keep my eyes off you.”

“Heheh, I knew it!” Pinkie grabbed my arm, squishing it to her. “You look pretty handsome, too. I have to give Twily props for suggesting that shirt.” Her tail wagged happily like that of an overexcited puppy.

“So you girls are planning something,” I said suspiciously.

“Maybe~” Pinkie hummed and bit her finger. “But enough of that, let’s get this party started!” She pumped a fist in the air as she hopped up on one hoof.

Resigning myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get anything out of the mare if she was hiding a secret (especially if it involved a Pinkie Promise, which it probably did), I decided to just play along with her. Besides, I was interested in what she had planned for our date. Knowing Pinkie, it was going to be terrifying, silly, stupid, and fun all at once.

“So, whatcha got in your bag of tricks?”

“You’ll see…” Pinkie swung the backpack she’d been carrying, a stuffed gator that looked a lot like her pet, Gummy, off her back and started to scrounge around in the mouth-shaped opening. Bent over like she was, her tank top rode up and her panties, a canary yellow collection of polka dots, peeked out between her raised fluff of a tail and shorts along with the loveliest bit of butt crack.

Enjoying the scene for all its worth while the mare made cute grunting noises as she dipped further into the pack, at one point even shoving her entire head in, I made sure to avert my eyes when she popped back up, her hair even messier than normal. She held up a collection of film reels, her excitement infectious.

“Ta-dah! We’re going to have a horror movie marathon!”

I shook I head, chuckling. I should’ve known as much. Surprisingly, Pinkie was super into the horror genre. A bit of a disconnect to her party pony persona, but the mare always said that one of the best things in life was getting scared. Something to do with the rush of adrenaline as your brain pumped fear and stress hormones through your body. Or at least that’s how Twilight described it.

Really, Pinkie just liked screaming and laughing at the same time, and good horror films tended to do both if they were campy enough.

Unfortunately for her, the rest of her friends weren’t much fans of those types of films, specifically the type that Pinkie would watch. For her, the sillier the acting and the more extreme the gore, the better. If someone wasn’t getting decapitated after slipping on a banana peel in a chainsaw factory, it wasn’t worth watching. To put it frankly, she was a diehard fan of ‘so bad, it’s good’ storytelling.

Fortunately for the both of us, I was a fan of such entertainment and reveled in it. I was the kind of person who would yell at the soon-to-be-victim for being idiotic enough to run towards the ominous garage full of rusty tools instead of the brightly lit hotel. And then laugh uproariously as I experienced the catharsis of a person’s insides be introduced to a weed whacker.

So yeah, I watched the occasional bad gore exploitation flick with Pinkie and enjoyed it. She was just as willing to MST3K the whole experience alongside me which made it all the better.

Still, though, while the whole marathon did sound like a good idea, it didn’t exactly scream ‘date’ material, and I told Pinkie as much.

She grinned broadly. “But this time we’re doing it on a date!” She used the word like it explained everything. “Also, it’s gonna be an all-night marathon so we’re gonna have a sleepover!” Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not going to let you sleep at all tonight.”

I snorted and let out a barking laugh. “You sure you can handle that? Don’t little girls have a curfew?”

Pinkie stomped her hooves and pursed her lips, her ears flattening. “I’m not a little filly! I’m a big mare!” She sounded whiney, but I easily saw the curl in the corner of her lips and hyper wagging of her tail.

I patted her head. “Whatever you say, shorty.”

“I am a big mare!” she repeated hotly. Pinkie stomped up to me, grabbed me around the waist, and pulled us tightly together. When she did, her boobs squished firmly into my stomach. She wiggled around dragging her front against mine, her face gaining a seductive quality. Her eyebrows wiggled. “Want me to prove it, silly billy?”

I responded with a stone-faced stare and waited.

We stood there, playing the world’s sexiest game of chicken, and I was the first to break. I snorted and then burst into rough laughter. Seeing that she’d won the battle, the dusky expression on Pinkie’s face broke back into her traditional hearty smile. She tittered in turn, rubbing her muzzle on me while we both shook in amusement.

“Kay, kay,” I mused, petting her head. “Let’s get this date night started. You wanna make the popcorn while I put the reels on?”

“Yupperino!” Pinkie hopped back and shoved the reels into my hands. While I knelt down to juggle them, she sneaked another smooch on my cheek, goosed me, and then ran at my disgruntled reaction, sticking her tongue out.

She headed towards the kitchen, pulling out a pan of jiffy pop stovetop popcorn from out of her backpack. Well, at least she was prepared.

I rolled my eyes in bemusement and walked over to my ‘entertainment’ display. Along with the ‘misappropriated’ flat screen and retro media devices my cheap ass could afford, there was a pulldown projector screen. Since ponies had apparently only just reached vacuum tubes in regards to television (odd considering they also had arcade cabinets but what did I know about the Industrial Revolution in a world of magic), they still relied on analog to record films with. Thankfully, it was easy enough to purchase a film projector slash speaker system to install in my house (seriously, how the hell did magitek even work?). Without it, I’d never be able to enjoy any new movies on the (to me) big screen.

Forget my computer, the monitor wasn’t nearly high quality enough.

It was just too bad that the films were such a pain in an ass to load. I’d only just hooked up the first movie (Chainsaw Madmares in Coltown, really?) when Pinkie arrived with a truly humongous bowl of popcorn. Seriously, the tupperware was wider than her and had enough popcorn to match the Tower of Babel in height.

Pinkie set it down on my coffee table, somehow not managing to cause an avalanche in the precariously balanced kernels, and plopped down on my couch. She patted the cushion next to her. “C’mon, Nonny, let’s start the movie!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” I muttered. I clicked the final seal in place and gave the main reel a quick spin to load it. Finding everything in working order, I flipped the switch. On the screen appeared the grainy countdown, and I hurried to my seat.

Pinkie grabbed a handful of popcorn, scarfing it down as she beamed up at me happily before putting all her focus on the film. I leaned back on the cushion, also grabbing a few kernels to munch on while the previews started.

I could feel Pinkie silently vibrating next to me and her warmth sink into both the couch and my side as she rested her head on my arm. I smiled. Maybe this would be a good time after all.

Damn it, popcorn and soda was just as much of a ripoff at the movies in Equestria as it was back home. I'd need to take out a mortgage just to purchase a small combo! Next time, I was going to do it the old-fashioned way and smuggle in contraband via a plastic baggie taped to my leg. Sure, the soda got warm real quick but it was better than paying the equivalent of a full-course meal for something with the nutritional value of cardboard.

My rabid grumbling gave me a wide berth from the few ponies lingering about the theater lobby and I took full advantage of it by quickly navigating towards my designated screen, several ponies diving out of the way to avoid my cheapskate fury.

When I arrived, I found that the screen could barely hold a couple dozen people and clearly hadn't been renovated to the extent the other larger rooms had been. I wasn't exactly surprised to find the dinkiest and smallest room was the one showing my film. Horror was a lost art in pony society. With the whole hippy-dippy lifestyle and focus on being so sickingly nice to one another, the concept of enjoying the brutal wholesale slaughter of the shallow end of the gene pool was, well, a horror to most ponies.

Heck, I heard that the only reason this movie was even showing was because it was a personal favor to a real slasher flick lover. The showing was for one night only but free of charge to anyone who wanted to watch. But since I appeared to be the only one in the room at the time, and the previews were quickly approaching, it was clear that no one else was even slightly interested in viewing this so-called atrocity.

It was too bad – Nightmare Moon on Elmwood Street sounded like good, cheesy B-grade fun. That it had even been approved and endorsed by Princess Moonbutt herself (who found the film’s meme-spewing portrayal of her corrupted form too absurd to take seriously as an insult) only improved my anticipation for how it would play out.

Plus, the ticket was free! How could you beat that?

I parked myself in a back corner and out of the way. I didn’t think there would be many other moviegoers arriving, but I always enjoyed the cozy, distant feel.

A few more commercials played when I heard someone else enter the theater. Absently looking back, I saw a pony in a film noir-style trench coat and fedora. The mystery pony’s outfit covered them from head to fetlock, but I made out they were rather short and that their fur color was flashy pink from the tail that peeked out from underneath their coat. I also saw they’d sprung for the extra-value size combo, the one designed to act as a full-party platter. How they managed to balance the bucket and trough that was nearly as big as them I didn’t know, but they were doing an impressive job at it.

This was probably the person that asked for the film’s showing in the first place. They certainly seemed like they were stoked. My theory was validated even further when they plopped down dead-center in the very front row, the spot where you’d have to use every bit of your peripheral vision to actually see the entire screen and use a neck brace to properly keep your head up.

Noir pone pumped a fist up, a very girly voice enthusiastically shouting out, “Whoo! Let’s get this blood party started!”

Then she dunked her head into the popcorn tub and threw it back, the snack exploding everywhere as she choked enough of it down that I saw her very pink cheeks bulging out like a chipmunk’s.

That voice, that altered trademark phrase, that way of gorging herself that would make the Romans green with envy.

I had a pretty good idea who noir pone was.

Figuring that me might as well say hello before the feature started, I ambled over and shot off a greeting. “Hey, Pinkie.”

Noir/pink pone jumped in her seat, popcorn spilling everywhere, but said nothing. I raised an eyebrow at the distinct lack of verbal response. Normally, Pinkie would immediately say hi back, accompanied with a hug or something. That she didn’t made me wonder if perhaps I was mistaken, but the odds of finding another pink glutton with ridiculous fashion sense didn’t seem likely.

“Hey, Pinkie, did ya hear me?”

“I du’ not know whoin this Pinnki you speaken of is, yong colt,” Pinkie(?) said in an extremely stereotypical and confusing Transylvanian/Germanic/What-Is-This-Can't-Even accent. She took her fedora and tilted it over her face. “I am tinking yusis hav’ me confused vit somepone else.”

I frowned and leaned forward, trying to get a better look. Though she tried to shift her face further away, I could still make enough out. The face was just as pink and eyes were just as blue as Pinkie’s (not to mentioned she was covered in butter-slathered popcorn) even if most of it was hidden behind a fake set of Groucho Marx glasses – complete with oversized schnoz and bushy mustache.

I raised an eyebrow. “Pinks, you’re not fooling anyone.”

The now definitely-Pinkie put a hand in front of her face and turned her head. “Yu teem to hav’ me mistakin for this Pinku Poie. Whyle she doo sound very fon and kyute and oh’ter neat tings, I em not her.” She flapped her hand. “Now… goo awhay!”

My face went flat. “Uh huh.” My eyes flicked to something above and behind her right shoulder. “Oh hey, it’s the Cakes. Huh, and they brought the twins with them.”

“Noooooo!” Pinkie stood up quickly enough that I barely saw her move and whipped off her hat and glasses, her voice shrill. She spun around, her hands squishing her cheeks. “You can’t let the twins see this movie, Mr. and Mrs. Cake! It’s too violent! Auntie Pinkie won’t allow it!”

She quickly noticed that there was nothing there and that the only people in the theater were the two of us. Seeing that her cover was quite thoroughly blown, Pinkie turned back around with a nervous and ashamed giggle. “Heheh, um… so… surprise?”

“Hey, Pinkie.”

“Hey, silly,” she mumbled. “Or maybe not-so-silly. So… you really knew it was me, huh?”

“Ayup.” I flopped down in the seat next to her. “You really thought that outfit would work?”

Pinkie slowly sank back into her chair. “Well… nopony’s noticed me before, and I’ve never had problems using it to get into places.”

I wondered about that. Either other ponies just played along with it as another of Pinkie’s eccentricities, or this world ran on TMNT logic when it came to disguises. Honestly, I wouldn’t pick either theory as the completely correct one. Equestria was just that odd a place.

“Yeah, well, I did. So, what’s up? Why all the sneaking around?”

Pinkie played with her hands, her ears drooping. “Promise you won’t make fun of me?”

I patted her shoulder. “Oh, Pinkie…” I did not smile kindly. “Of course I’ll make fun of you. But it will be with love.”

She let out a giddy nicker of a laugh. “Well, um…” She aimlessly gestured in front of herself. “I really… maybe… sorta like horror flicks. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot.”

My eyes traced the popcorn tub that was designed for a small platoon, a soda cup that could be used as a bird’s bath, and the hundred-foot screen that was playing previews not even a meter from my schnoggin. “So I see. Your point?”

Her eyes widened and mouth dropped open. “You don’t find me weird?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I said sardonically.

“Well, yeah, but I mean…” Pinkie waved her hands, her mouth gaping to find words. “You’re this cool alien from another world! Of course you’d like things that are weird by pony standards!”

Aww… pink pone thought I was cool. Just for that, I wouldn’t stick my finger in her face and laugh.

I’d just laugh.

Regardless, I found her logic to be a bit… off. “So just because you’re a pony that likes weird things, you’re weird by default?” I gave a harsh laugh. Nailed it. “Aren’t you the same pony that once chased Rainbow in a balloon - a single helium balloon, I might add – because you wanted to confirm if her favorite color was mauve?”

It wasn’t, by the way. It was blue, because blue equaled ‘cool’ and Rainbow Dash was cooler than any other pony by twenty (point something something something) percent.

“Well that’s just normal!” No, Pinkie, no, it really wasn’t. “But being entertained by gore and stuff is pretty creepy, isn’t it? I mean, I’m Pinkie the Party Pony!” The hell she’d gotten that sign with the trademark symbol from? And why wasn’t I confused as I probably should’ve been? “Confetti and butcher knives don’t really go together, right?” I wasn’t sure if I was seeing things correctly but it looked like her mane had literally gone flat during her spiel.

I shrugged. “You’re asking the wrong person here, Pinks. Frankly, I think finding a pony who isn’t grossed out by a little blood, popping eyeballs, and improper use of the lower intestine to be all hella kinds of awesome.”

She bit her lip and looked at me hopefully out of the side of her eyes. “Really?” Her ears twitched.

"Really really."

"Really really really?"

I gave her a flick on the nose. Pinkie let out a very uncharacteristic squeak. Was this really bugging her that much?

“Here, tell you what.” I grabbed a handful of her popcorn, innocently forgetting that my own portion had been abandoned somewhere in the back. “We’ll keep this just between the two of us. I don’t tell anyone, and you hang out with me every once in a while to enjoy some coeds get their legs lopped off by some guy with a Oedipus complex.” I noisily took a sip from her soda. Blech, did she add butter to this, too? “You don’t have to worry about anyone else finding out about your great, terrible, completely dorky secret, and I get someone to watch horrible movies with. Deal?”

Pinkie was silent and still. Then, like someone’d flipped a switch, her hair poofed back to its normal fluffiness (maybe even more so than usual) and her solemn frown swung up into an ecstatic smile. She launched herself at me, her lips seeking my cheek like a gooey love missile.

“Mwah!” Yes, she said the word 'mwah' as she kissed me. “Mwah! Mwah! Oh, thankies, thankies, thankies, Nemo!” She said my name like it was an oasis in a desert, like it was welcoming her home, like it was her first time drawing breath. “You have no idea how happy that makes me!”

“Hey, hey!” I pushed the assaulting mare away and picked at the few sticky, greasy kernels she’d planted on my cheek along with her lips. “Calm down, girly! You’re getting butter all over me!”

“Heheh,” she giggled. “Sorries.”

I scraped another kernel off as she beamed in sweet serenity. Shit, why’d ponies (and her especially right now) have to be so damn adorable? I flicked the last kernel back at her, hitting Pinkie right on the tip of her muzzle.

Pinkie’s eyes crossed to find the offending food item and then stuck out her tongue, sweeping it up into her mouth. She gave a tiny belch and bit her lips, holding her hands to her stomach that trembled in repressed excitement.

I rolled my eyes. “So…” I gestured at the screen, which had turned dark to indicate the start of the movie. “Was this really based off Princess Luna?”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said energetically. “Princess Luna is the ruler of the night and dreams, so making her fallen form be a villain that kills ponies in their sleep was a big selling point.” She tilted her head. “Though I don’t think the princess actually knows enough about modern culture to make all the reference Nightmare Moon does, but she really…”

I nodded in turn as Pinkie continued to blather on about the movie’s background even as the film opened on an idyllic suburban street. Soon, the real carnage started, and the only words exchanged between us was shouts of encouragement and disparagement and almost-never-ending peals of laughter.

It was too bad we never got to see the end of the movie. We were booted out of the theater for making too much noise right before the climax hit (an escalating argument of whether or not a pony head could actually fit up a bovine’s rectum).

Still totally worth it.

“That’s right, I still remember what you did last Hearth’s Warming Eve…”

“No…! No, it can’t be!”

Blood splattered across the screen as the towel-wearing mare screamed and was assaulted by the Gordon Fisherstallion right before the film cut to the credits.

“Called it.”

Pinkie blew a raspberry at me. “You did not.”

“Like hell I didn’t.” I cracked my neck. “No slasher is ever dead by the end of the movie. Those bastards are hardier than Dash when she crashes through a wall.” My fingers snapped smartly. “And I bet that she isn’t even dead and the killer’s, like, totally forgotten about by the general public when the sequel comes around even though it’d be in the headlines for weeks in the real world. Continuity? What’s that?”

Pinkie giggled-snorted into her hand. “You’re impossible.” She shrugged and ate some more popcorn, mumbling between bites. “Though, yeah, they didn’t put too much accuracy into the way the deaths played out, either. When that one stallion got speared in the neck with his own severed horn? The wound was way too dark in color; arterial blood is a much brighter red than what they showed.” She nickered snootily. “Amateurs.”

People and/or ponies had no idea how hot it was when a girl talked about over-the-top deaths with as much nonchalance and analytical insight as Pinkie did. I didn’t know why I didn’t hang out with the mare more often. It almost made me feel bad that I was wasting her time with this pretend date. If I was actually into ponies, I’d snap her up in an instant.

…Stop staring like that; I wasn’t attracted to ponies, goddamn it.

…even if Pinkie didn’t seem like she cared at all that I was, for all intents and purposes, lightly groping her epic boobage. I hadn’t done so on purpose; it just sort of ended up like that.

...Really! I swear!

While we had started watching sitting next to each other but still appropriately far enough apart, it just became more natural and easier for us to skootch closer together until we were basically glued at the hip. There was no awkwardness, no hormonal teen stupidity, just two good friends enjoying a bad flick together. Eventually she’d ended up resting her head on my upper chest while my arm dangled on her shoulder, my hand rubbing lightly against her bosom (both on her tank top and direct skin/fur contact) every so often when she shifted to adjust her seat.

Though Pinkie moved around a lot more often after we got closer together, thus causing me to touch her a lot more frequent than was fitting for platonic playmates (even in a practice date setting).

…eh, probably meant nothing.

“So!” I stood up, causing Pinkie to unhappily grunt as she had to lift her head from my arm to allow me to move. “Should we get started on the next one?” We were only two movies in and the real bloodbath hadn’t appeared yet. I wondered when Pinkie would bring out the big guns.

Pinkie bobbed her head fast enough to resemble a hummingbird’s wings. “Yuppers! You’ll like this one! It’s the reel with the guy wearing a hoofball catcher’s mask and carrying a machete!”

I shuffled through the collection until I found the one described. There was a pause. I raised it over my shoulder. “…Bloody Coeds at Canterlot Cove?” My tone was half-disbelieving, half-facetious.

“That’s the one!”

Oh, this was going to be bad – and by bad I meant stupendous. I set the reel up and walked back over to the couch. Pinkie leaned forward exaggeratedly, clearly waiting for me to give her arm pillow back. I gave her what she wanted, and she clapped happily when the movie started, pulling the now severely depleted bowl of popcorn to her lap. Leaning back on me, she raised a handful of the treat up, silently asking for permission.

I opened my mouth with a reluctant huff and she muffled her giggles when she tossed the food at me. I caught a couple kernel with my mouth but most of them just harmlessly bonked off my face. Pinkie laughed louder at my cross-eyed expression but settled down after I wordlessly threatened her with another forehead flick.

Soon, our attention was back on the film. It was another corny slasher flick, the kind with people too dumb to live (and often didn’t) and a killer who violated every basic law of physics by soundlessly stalking teens without them ever noticing despite being built like a brick shithouse. At least the killer was played by an earth pony, so his stupidly awesome strength (like when he ripped one character right down the middle with his bare hands) made some lick of sense.

In other words, it was perfect kind of intellectual junk food. There was one thing that kept bugging me, however.

“Like, oh my Celestia, Shimmer! Your boobs are so big!”

“Hey- ah! Sprinkles! Don’t touch me there!”

I tore my eyes away from the one ludicrously busty mare molesting the other just as ludicrously proportioned mare (both in micro-bikinis that couldn’t be collegial sanctioned) to ask Pinkie the same question I’d already asked a couple time before. “Pinkie, are you absolutely certain the director didn’t splice a porno in? I’m catching more ass than on the Playcolt channel.”

Pinkie gave I a look as if to ask, ‘you watch that?’ to which I eyeballed, ‘I clicked some random buttons, ok?’ before she twitched her lips and responded. “And I keep telling you, no.” She licked her lips in thought. “But I do recall he did do a lot porn in his earlier days before he switched to horror. He kept all his old cast with him, so he was most likely just working with what he had.”

Huh, so that’s why the first one to go was that effeminate unicorn stallion with the monster schlong (even by pony standards). Seeing that Pinkie wasn’t willing to answer more questions, her eyes glued to the screen, I followed suit.

It… really didn’t get much better after that. There followed an uncomfortably long scene where the two Sapphic mares never quite got to the degree of scissoring each other but did do enough that I wouldn’t be surprised if a guy walked in with an extra-large sausage pizza and they wouldn’t have enough bits to pay for it because they forgot their bitbags in their other pants so could they find an alternative form of recompense?

No way those mares ever wore pants a day in their lives.

Really, it wasn’t watching the pseudo-murder porn that was getting me bothered; I was a guy who walked out in my front yard in nothing but my boxers and a genial tent-raising. No, it was how Pinkie was pressing even closer to me the more graphic the scene got, having now somehow commandeered my arm to the furry, marshmallowy depths of her cleavage and her head neatly tucked under my chin. Her warmth and texture had quickly become very distracting.

Honestly, it’d be an insult if I didn’t react the way I was right now. But yeah, I didn’t need Pinkie catching wind of her effect on me (something that would no doubt lead to a great deal of teasing that I didn’t have the patience for) so I had to do something about squirrelling the general away.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have much to hide the problem with. My best bet was crossing my legs, but even the slightest movement would get Pinkie to adjust her hold on me and I didn’t want to take the chance of distracting her away from the film. So, I did the next best thing – I took a pillow from the end of the couch and stealthily moved it to cover my everlasting shame.

It was then I realized I’d made a terrible mistake. As if sensing weakness, Pinkie’s head slid down my chest, her legs swinging up next to me. With a graceless flop, her head landed right on the pillow, the girl now positioned to treat my lap like a headrest while her legs hung over the couch’s arm.

It almost seemed suitable that this action had come at the exact moment the money shot appeared on screen when Sprinkles suddenly had a steel infusion to the chest and Shimmer was bathed in all the wrong kinds of juices.

I hated whatever gods helped to shape Equestria because they were cruel and merciless ones.

Pinkie cocked her head up at me, her ears twisted to the side, looking all the world like a lap dog wanting all the snuggles. She pulled her arms backwards and stretched her legs. She laughed dumbly at my expression. “Feed me and give me scratchies.”

Okay, so maybe I had fooled her after all if she was acting like this instead of immediately teasing me. To fully satisfy the beast, I dropped popcorn on her face and scratched her behind her ears. Pinkie hummed in contentment while chewing on whatever popcorn had fallen into her piehole.

We were quiet while I watched the killer track a screaming and naked Shimmer down a barren beach (coincidentally away from the searchlights that pointed out the huge holiday weekend party said coeds had arrived for). Around the nth time the girl fell and yet the killer never seemed to noticeably gain ground, Pinkie piped up.

“Say…” Her tone sounded aimless but she was clearly looking for… something. “You think if we were in that movie we’d be horribly murdered if the slasher found us?”

I cringed at the bad makeup effect of Shimmer snapping her leg after falling into the world’s shallowest divot. What did they use to simulate bone – PVC pipes? “Definitely not.”

Her voice was curious. “How come?”

I glanced down at her. Her ears were perked up and her eyes waiting. I smirked and counted off on my fingers. “Well, for one, if a slasher did appear, you’d just blast their head off with your party cannon.” Pinkie choked back a snort at the suggestion. “Two, they’re mostly attracted by sexy times, and none of that is happening, so we wouldn’t be the first on the chopping block anyway.”

I froze and nearly swallowed my tongue when, the moment I said that, Pinkie nuzzled her head into the pillow, invariably brushing against my arousal. Her expression made it all too clear that she knew exactly what she was doing, her full lips curled and her eyes the tiniest bit closed but blazing with fire. She took my free hand that had been uselessly hanging to the side and brought it to her mouth, one single finger perched just between her lips.

She bit down ever so tenderly on the nail. “Wanna change that?”

…she knew, this whole time she knew exactly what she was doing. Every movement, every word, every avenue she’d taken – it was all for this. She had been planning for this one single moment the entire night. The silly, random, often brainless, and ‘foresight-what’s-that?’ Pinkie Pie had led me by the nose into a trap from which there was no escape.

And fucking heavens help me, I wasn’t certain I wanted a way out.

Pinkie giggled softly and sensually at my brightly flushing yet pitch pale ‘what’ face before it evolved into something more mirthful and mocking. Her tail whipped up from underneath her and swiped at my chin. “Maybe it’s a little too early for that step. Sorry for scaring you, Nonny!”

I blinked, my words hollow. “That was a joke?”

“No, that was a flirt. Ponies do that on dates.”

I didn’t think serial killer rutting was exactly a hot dating topic. Pinkie continued regardless.

She rubbed her head side-to-side, my tongue suddenly in danger of swallowing itself. “This is a date, so I’m treating it like one, and on dates, I like to flirt with my dates. Is there a problem with that?” Her tone said this was no different from usual but her eyes said something else, something I wasn’t quite ready to address yet.

I bit back what I was going to say and sucked back my lips. “I- no, Pinkie, there’s nothing wrong with that at all.”

“Good!” she hummed. Pinkie turned over on my lap and then lifted her chin pompously. “Hand, please!”

Mechanically, I put my hand back on her head and started scratching her beneath her chin. Pinkie squealed and scarfed more popcorn down. She let out a burst of terrified laughter when the killer finally disposed of Shimmer, reappropriating her head as a ventriloquist dummy.

Though my eyes were locked on the screen, my mind was a million miles away.

…what the ever-loving Christ balls just happened? Was that real? Did Pinky just offer me sexy times in what was supposed to be a casual practice date? Hundreds of questions raced through my mind, none of which I was prepared to answer.

I could confront Pinkie about her intentions, but, to be honest, I was somewhat afraid of what her response would be.

Yeah, I was admitting to myself I had some concerns – this was fucking with me that much.

…you know what? Fuck it. Yeah, really, fuck all of it.

I wasn’t going to tiddle around with this bullshit. I was here, Pinkie was here, get over it. If she was going to make something out of it, I’d let her and react as the dice rolled. Until then, I was going to not say or do a goddamn thing about this slippery situation. I had enough shit on my plate as it was.

Internally nodding at the reasonable policy, I put all my attention back on the film and its exceedingly stupid premise and special effects.

“…Did he just rip that dude’s arm out of its socket and beat him to death with it?”

“Yups!”

“…okay, so that was pretty retardedly badass.”

“I know, right? I really like the use of splatter patterns. See how one splash spells out the makeup manager’s initials?”

“Huh, no shit.”

I let out a prolonged yawn as I ambled down Ponyville’s main street. It had taken a while for me, but I’d finally gotten nominally used to living here. Sure, the whole concept of being a transdimensional alien trapped in a land of anthropomorphic animals was a hard and stupidly stupid one to swallow but I’d somehow managed.

Now if I could only get the ponies to stop being so bloody friendly! Even the ones who’d first treated me like I was half-a-sliver away from eating their loved ones with a side of Chianti now waved and called out greetings whenever I passed by. I wasn’t accustomed to such a well-natured and constant outflow of affable warmth; I was a human, damn it!

Still, I at least returned the favor, waving back and spouting out a few noncommittal words. I wasn’t close enough to any of them to try and remember their names or accept the occasional invite for gossip-mongering, but I could try to be about a quarter as cordial as they were to me. It was only fair.

I passed by several shops during my aimless wanderings, including the diabetic eyesore known as Sugarcube Corner. I didn’t know why everything in Equestria had to be so heavily stylized, but I could feel the cavities forming whenever I laid eyes on the building. Sure, the food was good and the proprietors were just as nice as any other of the town’s citizens, but, by god, how much sweetness could one pony handle?

I just walked past the entrance, briefly noting the chalkboard sign that labeled the specials for the day (raspberry jam cookies sounded good; maybe I should get some later) when I heard someone call out my name. I didn’t even have a chance to see who it was before something catapulted against my back.

Arms and legs wrapped around my chest and waist, and I had to take a couple steps forward to make sure I didn’t tumble ass over tea kettle from the sudden rush of high-velocity mass. My assailant shimmied up my body, forcing me to stumble and quickly place my feet correctly as they constantly pulled me off balance.

Eventually my attacker settled in on my back and shoved her face over my shoulder.

“Hey there, silly!” Pinkie grinned, her rounded cheeks shining with joy. She smelled like baked goods, latex, and the smallest hint of ozone.

I grunted. “Hey, Pinkie.” I shifted to the right and grabbed her leg as it slipped down. “Any reason you assaulted me in broad daylight?”

She squeezed her arms below my neck. “I’m just saying hello to my bestie!”

“Pinkie, everyone is your bestie.”

“Hmm… true.” She placed a finger to her chin and tapped it in deep thought. Her eyes lit up with a flash of euphoric eureka. “Okay then, then you’re a bestie-bestie! One of the best bestie-besties I could have!” She punctuated her proclamation by rubbing her cheek against mine, a warm, fuzzy feeling rising from the pit of my stomach (like heartburn).

“Okay, fine, but do you always have to jump me?”

“What’s wrong? Don’t you like my glomps?” Her lips quivered and eyes moistened with unsung sorrow at the notion I was rejecting her.

I never should have taught her that word. Pony corruption was only so fun until it started to bite you back in the ass. “Okay, okay!” I conceded. “I give! Turn off the waterworks already!”

“Yay!” Pinkie swung her hands up, causing her to tip precariously backwards. I felt her center of gravity shift and immediately grabbed at her to prevent her from falling off.

She yelped as I took hold of her ass, the heavenly feel of her firm yet spongy cheeks acting as a great set of handles for my fingers to grasp. That was one thing I always remembered about Pinkie – she had plenty of places to hold no matter where you reached. Considering all the ways she crawled over me like I was an outdoor playset, I had plenty of experience finding each and every one of them.

Pinkie tilted forward, looping her arms back around me to make sure she didn’t almost accidentally fall off again. She giggled as I gave off a long-suffering sigh. Gently, she put her hands on my shoulders and raised herself up. Her heaving bosom squished itself against my shoulders as she pushed herself to whisper into my ear.

“Naughty, naughty Nemo,” she cooed, a playful lilt in the words. I felt her tail sneak its way under my shirt and tickle my belly. “Where do you think you’re grabbing?”

I forced back the swallow I wanted to make at the tone of her voice. Pinkie was undeniably a ball of fun and flirts in a curvy package, and she always liked to aim those teases at me. Too bad for her I could easily fend off her capricious remarks with pure, unadulterated apathy.

I relaxed my grip and deadpanned, “Would you rather I just drop you on your ass?”

She shook her head, that smile never leaving her face. “Nnnope! I like my ass right where it is!” She poked my cheek with a single finger, her teeth flashing. “And I think you do, too!”

I rolled my eyes and didn’t deign her provocations with a response. Pinkie just laughed gaily and rubbed our cheeks together again, tightening her hold on me.

…and yup, she was smooshing her boobs all over the back of my head again. I could feel her floof get caught in my hair. What was she, marking her territory? Granted, I seemed to consistently be an unofficial Pinkie carrier whenever we hung out, but this was ridiculous.

I shifted my hands, getting a better grip on her butt. Pinkie just giggled and let me, squealing ever so quietly as she rolled side to side on my palms. I grunted again. “So? You actually want something or are you just here to tempt me to fall to the pink side?”

“Join us…!” she rasped, wiggling her fingers. “We have cakes and pies…!” Pinkie giggled-snorted again, a sound I was quickly becoming used to and even anticipating the more often she did it. “But no, I just saw you and figured you could use your daily helping of Pinkie Pie!”

“Yeah, well, I think I’ve had my recommended dose, so if you’d just-“

“Nope!” she crowed, swinging back and nearly pulling me off my feet for the third time in as many minutes. “Four out of five ponies agree that every human needs thirty giga-giggles of Pinkie every day! You’ve only had five so far. You still have a long ways to go!”

“Really?” I mused, a crooked smile rising to my lips. Damn it, I was getting swept up in her rhythm and, scarily enough, I didn’t mind it. “So, what do I have to do to get there?”

“Just leave that to your big sister!” She pounded a fist against her chest. I could feel the vibrations from all that jiggly Pie goodness course through my back and spine.

I decided not to mention I was several years older than her. It'd never made a difference the first hundred times I’d used the argument.

Pinkie whipped out a tricorne hat from whatever extradimensional space she kept pulling her random crap from and pulled it down on her head, though her mane made a big show of not being happy about it. She pointed her finger forward like it was a royal banner. “Now, my loyal steed, to the market! We must go questing for baking ingredients! The Cakes have a big order coming in and it’s up to us to make sure that they have enough to fulfill it!”

I didn’t take a single step. “So, uh, am I gonna be carrying you the entire way or…”

“Don’t worry! Pinkie has treats for good little sillies who follow their big sister’s orders.”

“I’m not a dog, you know.”

“But cookies…” she said, waving a small and delectable-looking pastry in front of me. The crisp yet fluffy bread and jewel-like quality of the crimson jam on top made my nostrils twinge and mouth water.

Well shit, they were raspberry and freshly baked by the smell of it. I grumbled as I tilted my head up and took the cookie from her beckoning fingers with my teeth. Crunching down, I had to hold back the satisfied shiver that radiated throughout my body.

Yup, that was a damn fine cookie.

I licked my lips and stared back into the victorious gaze of the pink menace. “Fine, you win. Just keep feeding me and we’ll have no problems.”

“Yay!” Pinkie snapped her fingers and another cookie popped up from between their tips. “Now onward! To fruits and grains and all kinds of yummy!” Her legs squeezed around my waist, and I felt the hidden muscles under the layers of chub tense up as her hooves brushed against my stomach.

I shook my head. “Damn crazy mare.”

And with that, the two of us trundled into adventure and danger. At least my appetite was well sated.

Oh, and the cookies were good, too.

I woke up to the sound of heavy machinery. Sleepily wondering when a construction site had opened in my house, I slowly realized there was a heavy warmth on top of me and a dampness spread across my upper stomach. Blearily opening my eyes, I took a glimpse around the room from on my back, my head resting on the arm of the couch. The sun was already out, bathing the room in light and giving me a good view of the lump pressing down on me.

The snoring mass there could only be one Pinkamena Diane Pie. Her short, chunky frame was half on, half off my legs and lower torso, her mouth wide open as she drooled liberally through my shirt. She smacked her lips, rubbed her face into my stomach (smearing her spit around even more), and then went back to imitating a broken electric can-opener.

Still half-asleep, I tilted my head and noticed the popcorn bowl abandoned on the floor, the remains of its scant goodies scattered about the side of the couch. I pushed my head back and stared at the ceiling. Gradually, the events of last night came trickling back to me.

I remembered we had shifted on the couch again after the fourth or so movie we’d watched, Pinkie getting tired with treating me as a lap pillow. It was already early in the morning and I was lethargic enough to not argue when she pushed me into a lying down position and crawled on top of me. She’d kept one leg just swinging off the couch next to mine and used my chest as a holder for the popcorn bowl while she rested her cheek on my stomach.

Surprisingly, she hadn’t teased me at all. I half-expected her to pull up my shirt and either tickle me or blow a raspberry into my belly like she tended to do with the other girls, but she seemed content enough to nuzzle me as she shoved heapings of popcorn down her gullet. So, I followed her lead and just watched the movie while occasionally shoveling some popcorn or patting her mane when she grabbed my hand for cuddles.

It was around five in the morning that I last remember anything clearly. Nearly seven movies in and the warm lure of the couch and my company finally lulled me to slumber. I must’ve knocked the bowl over sometime in my sleep. Urgh, I was going to need the vacuum later or else the kernels would bury into the carpet and that would be a hell of a nuisance to clean up.

Still not quite awake, I was absently amused at how comfortable I’d been in the face of sexy-cute adversity. Even with Pinkie pseudo-mounting me, I wasn’t nervous at all. A little horny, sure, and very much aware of her voluptuous form molding itself to me, but antsy? Not in the slightest.

However, as my consciousness came back to the forefront, I realized several reasons why waking up in this position would not be healthy for my sanity. One of which was the innate morning reaction of all males, compounded by the detail of having a hot, playful woman on top of me with her legendary mountain range nicely nestled around said appendage.

So, with great reluctance even as my brain screamed at me to get a move on, I raised my hand only to find that it was entangled in her voracious mane. Attempting to remove it only seemed to trap it more, and one gentle yank somehow managed to pull Pinkie closer so that the general was in danger of being swallowed into her tanktop through multiple layers of fabric.

Pinkie let out a moan in her sleep. She giggled and rubbed her face into my stomach, sandwiching me further. “Naughty, naughty~” she mumbled in a drowsy, singsong tune. I felt myself twitch.

…I hated everything and everyone right now. If I didn’t get Pinkie off me soon, whatever self-control and dignity I had left would fall to nothing more to dust.

Slowly, carefully, I removed my hand from her mane and placed both my hands to her shoulders.

I gently shook her. “Pinks. C’mon, Pinkie, wake up, it’s morning.”

“Hwah…?” Pinkie mumbled my name as she raised her head, her lips drooping and trailing drool. Somewhere along the line, her hairband had popped off and her shoulder-length hair bounded for the great beyond. The girl needed to keep a squadron of combs on her at all times to lasso that puppy.

Her eyes slowly opened, a little crust in the corners, but when they alighted on me, they crinkled. “Hey… morning, Nonny.”

“Morning to you, too.” I pushed myself up on my elbows and scooted backwards to sit up more properly. Pinkie followed suit and moved off I, now sitting fully on the couch. I smirked ruefully. “Looks like we didn’t stay up through the whole marathon. I must be getting old.”

“That’s okay…” Pinkie let out a huge yawn, her chest pushing out as she bent her back. I noticed her straps had fallen down around her shoulders, revealing even more of her swells and dips. Fuck was she delightfully plump. Pinkie smacked her lips and grinned, her eyes still closed. “You make for pretty comfy bedding.”

“Glad I could please.” Not receiving anything more from her, I bent down. I noticed her head dipping down as small snores and whinnies brushed from out of her mouth. “Hey, wake up,” I said sternly, flicking her forehead.

Pinkie jumped and put her hands to where I hit her, her eyes quickly open and ears twitching. She giggled abashedly at the thin line of my lips. “Sorries…” She got to her feet and stretched, her belly, sides, and crack popping in and out between her clothes. I pushed her tail out of the way as it playfully thwacked me. “Mhhmm…! That feels good!”

Pinkie then turned to me with her game face on. “Well, let’s clean up! I’ve got work this morning so I want to make sure I’m nice and fresh before the Cakes open up.”

With that, we swiftly cleaned up the room, gathering up the loose reels and stowing them away in her backpack and sweeping up any loose debris on the floors or furniture. Pinkie would occasionally hipcheck me when we passed the other by, making her classic giggling chortle whenever she did. Soon, the place was spotless (or at least as spotless as when she’d first arrived) and Pinkie raised her hand for a high-five.

“Yeah!” she cried after a satisfactory slap. “That was great! I’m so glad we did this! We should go on dates more often!” She beamed at me expectantly.

I wasn’t sure what to say. While I had immensely enjoyed myself, the implications Pinkie was making, on purpose or not, left me somewhat unsteady on how to proceed. On one hand, going on more ‘dates’ like I had would be exceptionally fun if last night was any indication. It also would feed nicely into what Twilight was trying to do for me – make me more social, if only with a few select people.

On the other hand, it still had the connotation of a ‘date,’ and I didn’t know how earnest Pinkie was about the whole ordeal. Was it just as much an exercise in fun to her, or was there something deeper to it? After last night, how much was just flirting and how much was… something else? How did I feel about Pinkie? I knew I liked spending time with her, but anything more than that…? And until I had a solid grasp on it all, I didn’t want to answer frivolously.

But having Pinkie smiling at me with those hopeful eyes and innocent charm made me realize that – what the fuck did it matter if it was real or fake? I enjoyed my time with her, and that was that.

So, I said the only thing that made sense.

“Hell yeah, we have to go out again. Last night rocked!” I put out my fist to seal the deal. “Agreed?”

Pinkie put a hand out, but instead of pounding it like I expected her to, she put her hand on top and pushed mine down. She shook her head. “Silly Nonny, you don’t hoofbump at the end of a date. You kiss!” To prove her point, she got up on the tips of her hooves, spread out her arms, closed her eyes, and puckered her lips.

I rolled my eyes. Yeah, yeah, the little cutie could have her kiss. I leaned down to plant a big one on her snout, a small revenge for all the ones she’d imposed on me. I’d do without the goosing though – didn’t need to give her any ideas.

I was shocked, however, not to kiss her nose, but somewhere else entirely. The moment my head got within reach, Pinkie grabbed me by the cheeks, pulled me in close, and gave me the mother of all smooches on the lips. This wasn’t the short, friendly pecks on the mouth she handed out to friends and ponies close to her. This was one of those full-blown, lover-only, you-make-me-tingly-all-over, where’s-your-bed-I-need-to-check-its-stress-limits kisses.

And when my mouth opened at the jolt of Pinkie kissing me like she wanted my babies right now, her tongue quickly took the unspoken invitation and went tonsil diving in the back of my throat.

It took a few seconds for my brain to catch up, but when it did it immediately formulated a tactical response. That response involved me squeezing the savory roly poly mare and kissing her back with just as much fervor.

Pinkie hummed happily when I finally started to return the favor but soon pushed away from me. Regretfully, I let go, and she hopped back, her mane even messier than before from where I tangled my hands in it, and her lips shining and somewhat puffy.

She slowly drew her tongue across her lips. Her eyes opened widely and she nodded with satisfaction. “Yup, you taste even better that way!”

And she tasted just as sweet as I’d imagined she’d be (even with morning breath) but seriously – What. The. Fuck?

Noticing my drawn down brows, Pinkie just wiggled a finger. “Unh unh unh! No need for a sad silly! That was just a thank-you gift for showing me such a good time!”

“Good time…?” I repeated faintly.

Continuing like she didn’t hear me, Pinkie exclaimed, “And you can look forward to more smoochies like that one if the next date is just as fun.”

“Next date…?” I echoed like a broken record.

Pinkie let out a slinky smile and sidled up to me. She placed on a finger on my stomach, the part that was only just now drying from all the drool soaked into it, and twirled it in place. Her tail wrapped around my calf. Her chest puffed out, tuft brushing and boobs heaving. Pinkie glanced up out of the corner of her eyes, her eyelashes fluttering and voice smoky. “And maybe we’ll get a little further if you’re extra good…?”

I mind raced back to the implications Pinkie made last night and the ones she was making now and decided on the most acceptable course of action.

BRAIN.exe has experienced smut inference overload/
BRAIN.exe has ceased functioning/
Please reboot to recover functionality/

I think I had smoke pluming out of my ears. Pinkie’s mouth stretched into the most shit-eating grin ever and she clapped her hands together. “I think you like that idea!” She bobbed her head up and down. “Well, then, if you’re a good Nemo, your big sis Pinkie Pie will treat you again later!”

She planted a shorter but no less hungry kiss on my lips, biting lightly on my upper lip with her teeth, while I zoned out in my fugue state and hopped back. Finding her second assault just as successful, Pinkie hitched her backpack over her shoulder and sauntered over to my front door, hips and tail swaying that lovely jiggle. As she opened, she wiggled her fingers at me and crooned, “See you on our next date, cutie pie!”

And with that, she slammed the door with a resounding bang.

I stood in my empty room for what felt like several minutes before my legs gave out from underneath me and I toppled over. Fortunately, I was still close enough to the couch that I landed on the piece of furniture rather than collapsing straight onto the floor.

I was- that is- Pinkie- she- mouth- tongue- chainsaw massacres- what…!

My ensuing brain fry was interrupted by the air in front of me spontaneously combusting. I jumped up in fright and shock when flames licked the space not even a foot from my face, but relaxed when I realized that the flame was purple and green. As if lending credence to my thoughts, there was a burst of spice-scented wind and a scroll with a wax seal popped out of nowhere before falling onto my coffee table.

I didn’t even bother questioning the parameters of dragon-fire delivery as I picked the scroll up. On the seal was the image of a star with six smaller ones orbiting it, miss friendship princess’s cutie mark.

Oh, thank shit heavenly Christ. Maybe this was an explanation for all the crazies that’d just occurred. At the very least, it might give me a hint as to Pinkie’s overly aggressive and highly flirtatious attitude. I knew that this event was deemed a ‘date,’ but that could only explain so much of the pink pony’s behavior.

Practice didn’t excuse propositions for crazed axe murderer snogging and hot pure sex make-outs!

I broke the seal and unfurled the scroll, my eyes skimming down the page. Addressed to me, the scroll read -

“Congratulations on the completion of your first date with Pinkie Pie! I trust that you enjoyed yourself? Pinkie was really looking forward to it when she won first dibs; she said she had a lot planned so I’m hoping she didn’t run you too ragged. And even if she did, I’m confident that you didn’t mind her brand of rambunctiousness.”

There was more written after the last sentence but had been hastily scribbled out. A new paragraph started after the mystery text.

“I can’t wait for you to tell me how it all went and how you plan on applying what you discovered. Unfortunately, I will not be available for a short while as I have some royal duties I must fulfill outside of town, but I’m happy to announce that I’ve already set up the next of your dates today at noon. Just like before, it’ll be a surprise, but I will at least give you the hint that it will be spent outside, so wear comfortable and sturdy clothing. Please patiently await my next set of instructions.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic and Friendship
xOxOxO”

I blinked at the cheery if authoritative attitude of the letter. My mind spun. She already had the next date planned out? Who was it going to be? Was every date going to be the same as with Pinkie? And why did this all seem too well-put together? Especially with the main perpetrator conveniently absent for questioning.

There were chills running up and down my spine and butterflies breaking open in my gut. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and that not knowing gave me all the feelings of dread right now despite how interesting the first date had been. I had started out with confusion, moved to enjoyment, shifted to arousal, and landed squarely in plain, abject fear. If I was going to be thrown off-guard after anticipating a nice, no strings-attached excursion like before…

…Fuck, I had the weirdest boner right now.

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

And there goes the first date. I like Pinkie; she's fun to write and even more fun to make a total flirt Our little MC had no chance of escaping from that unscathed, though I don't think he truly minded. Once again, WAFF and mini-smut ensue! As for the next date, can you guess who the (un)lucky mare is?

This was the chapter I remembered that ponies have a lot more nonverbal communication than normal humans do, what with the ears, tails, and whatnot. Hopefully I did an okay of enough job getting emotions/ideas/what have you across. Though I do think I used several different animals instead of just equine for the mannerisms. Eh.

As for any readers who're wondering how what little flashback segments were shown could possibly make Pinkie fall in love, well, they didn't. They simply acted as a catalyst for her to start seeing the MC in a different light. I'm very much of the mind that love doesn't happen at first sight, but interest and attraction sure do. It's combining the two and working them together that makes the former. Look forward to more scenes that show how the M6's interests started.

Till next time; criticism appreciated!

A Soft Touch Can Work Wonders

"You don’t always need to be forceful to hold a herd together. Sometimes all it requires is a little bit of kindness. Discipline tempered by genuine care and affection always trumps outright demands of betterment and submission. Who knows? It might be the quieter moments that end up all the more precious to you."

I could hear the sounds of birds chirping and whistling, their melody almost a jaunty showtune. The sky was clear except for the occasional fluffy cloud that listlessly floated about through an azure daze, a dazzling sun rising in the distance. At the edge of my vision, I could see a couple rabbits pop up to sniff the air only to dive back down into the tall grass, various wildflowers scattered around like a roughly yet lovingly sewn quilt. I smelled crushed grass, warm sunlight, and the fresh outside.

I took a sip of my cold coffee, carefully examined the cup, and then looked back up to observe my surroundings.

…The fuck was I?

Wherever it was, it sure as hell wasn’t my home. Where were the angry honks of suburban road-rage? Where was the grimy haze that hovered like a dirty gypsy's kiss? Where were the smells of spilled oil, of exhaust fumes, of garbage waiting to be picked up by teamsters? Where was all the dog shit?

I turned around. My front door, opened to reveal my living room, greeted me. The faint sound of my playlist crept out like an elderly songstress.

I took another sip of coffee and then spun back. The same beautiful scene of nature waved hello.

Did I get a tainted can of coffee grounds again? I rolled my tongue in my mouth. Didn’t taste any different. Then again, I thought the same thing last time and yet I still ended up half-naked in a local petting zoo cuddling one very perturbed llama and trying to force-feed it animal pellets.

It took a lot of time and surgical precision to reattach my ear, but at least I had one hell of a story to tell (even if the majority of the details came from the police report).

Shrugging, I took another sip. Might as well enjoy the psychedelic wonder until the cops arrived.

Looking around, I decided to explore my new fever dream. I took a step out onto my front lawn, feeling the rough, scratchy texture of artificial sod grazing between my toes. Walking forward, I traveled a few meters before my lawn quickly transitioned to wild grass that came up past my ankles. I bent down, tracing a finger on the border. It was a perfect line between the two sides, like someone had used a very fine, very big scalpel to separate them.

I stood back up and followed the divide, discovering that, as I orbited my house, the whole thing appeared to be one large nearly perfect circle that ended just inside my property lines. I stepped around the neatly bisected chain-link fence that separated the front of my lawn from the back and walked on.

Pushing up right against my backyard was the beginning of a large forest. Deciduous by the look of it, with lots of oak and maple trees reaching up almost as far as I could see.

Again, where the hell were I? I didn’t have a forest near where I lived. Homeowner association certainly wouldn’t have approved that, though they suspiciously didn’t mind the broken-down jalopy just gaining rust and plant-life on my neighbor’s lawn. I still thought the jackass had some dirt on the council’s head.

I blinked. Was it just I, or did this forest seem particularly… dark? Like, way darker than any forest should be, even with how dense the vegetation was. It was almost like someone had turned the dimmer down on the place because I could only see maybe a dozen or so meters in before the ambient lightning just dropped off. It was hella creepy.

So! I had a beautiful field in front of my house and a death forest in the back. I’d make some witty remark about the judgement of my soul but I’d not nearly enough LSD brew to hash one out. Maybe after a nice shower, hearty breakfast, and potful of the black nectar I’d be more prepped to deal with this sequence of events.

Some might say I was taking this whole thing perhaps a bit too frivolously. They obviously didn’t know me well enough. I always was the kind of person to just accept my clearly impending doom. Why freak out and make the situation worse when I could calmly consider what was happening and make plans to welcome my new tyrannical overlords.

Shit, I had entirely different checklists for the zombie apocalypse, death metal version of the singularity, rising of the mole people, and the inevitable Great Canadian Curling Invasion (those peppy bastards were just too polite to not be up to no good).

I never thought to whip up a docket for finding myself in literal purgatory but hey, first time for everything, right?

Pleased at my logical conclusion and ignoring the tiny voice screaming obscenities in the back of my head, I started to make my way back around the fence to my open front door but were interrupted by a gruff snuffling noise behind me.

I turned around, froze, rebooted my central nervous system, unfroze, and then took another sip of coffee.

Not even five feet from me was a very large, very furry, very pissed-off looking brown bear. The animal was standing on its hind legs and towered over me, snorting murder in my face.

Why did I assume murder? The bared teeth, beady and bloodshot eyes, and rippling of all three-hundred pounds of human-eating muscle may have given me the hint.

The bear opened it maw and roared at me, spittle flying across the short distance and splattering my face and bare chest. It heaved its body back down and tensed its front arms, death claws momentarily spreading outward from its paws.

So… this was how I died – mauled by a bear in only my boxers. Not my first choice of demise but one to write home about. I could see the news headline now – ‘Man High Off Beans Wanders into Forest, Devoured by Local Wildlife.’

Of course, that depended on if wherever I was had newspapers to begin with. Otherwise I was just going to end up another statistic of humans used as toilet paper by unruly ursine.

Oh, I made myself sad. And scared. Did I mention scared? If I hadn’t already drained myself as part of my morning rituals, my boxers would be sagging a lot lower right then.

I closed my eyes, the only part I seemed to have any voluntary control over by this point, and waited for the oncoming voracious carnivore to dine upon my succulent man flesh. I heard the sounds of heavy impacts, angry mammal grunts, and the less manly grunting of higher-pitched shouts.

Surprisingly, said higher-pitched shouts didn’t come from my squealing form. I opened my eyes and witnessed a new high of what-the-fuckery.

Not only was Mr. Bear not in the middle of tearing me limb to limb, it was currently in the middle of the most hallowed of ass-kickings. A young woman (I could tell it was a woman from the dress and large boobs the bear’s head was locked in) had someone managed to take an animal nearly four times her size and wrestle it to the ground in what appeared to be some sort of martial art-based pin.

I was pretty sure bear legs weren’t supposed to be able to bend that way, but they did and Mr. Bear was not pleased with its predicament. It showed its displeasure with another spit-flinging roar and a futile attempt to break out of the woman’s chokehold. She simply pulled back on her arm, her leg bending another ten degrees around the bear’s right knee, and the bear grunted before tapping the ground with one paw.

My savior spoke, her tone firm and harsh. “We do not attack others like that, Harry! It’s not polite!” Harry the Bear (well, at least he had a name) growled out something incomprehensible that she obviously understood. “No, I don’t care if they dropped a house on your emergency food supply! We use our words, not our paws!”

Another snarl. “How do you think Sally would react if she heard you talk like that?” Her voice lowered a bit. “Does she even know about this cache?”

Harry went silent, a comical expression of dread flashing across his mug, and then gave a resigned huff. Little Miss Thang nodded her head sagely. Her tone lost the harshness and gained a more whispery quality. “I’m sure if you just explained things to her, she’d understand. Besides, now she won’t even have to know now that the evidence is gone, right? Though I do think we need to address this hoarding habit; it’s not healthy.”

Harry snuffed and shook his head. She nodded. “Then, do you promise that if I let you go, you’ll talk this out gracefully?” He started to say something but was interrupted. “I’ll know if you’re lying… Don’t make me bring this up with Sally. We’re going to have tea later this week.”

Harry did nothing and then heaved a sigh, growling out some more sounds, his whole bulky body relaxing. My savior smiled briefly. “Good boy. Now, let’s talk this out with this little guy and I’m sure we can put the whole thing behind us.”

Slowly, the two disentangled themselves from one another, and I finally got a good look at the ballsy woman. I was a bit confused at the skin and hair color (pastels did not natural looks make), and I could’ve sworn there was some sort of strange growth coming off her back but now that I could fully look her over, I was able to dispel any prior questions… only to come up with even more new ones.

She was not human. She had the basic humanoid shape – two legs, two arms, one head, a very lovely set of boobs (as I earlier noted) but that’s where the similarities ended. She had yellow fur, long pink hair, and an equally as pink tail swishing from behind her. Her face was slightly equine-shaped, a muzzle coming out, and she had a pair of wings spreading out from behind her back that were twitching as she tried to settle them back down.

She opened her mouth. “Hello, there. You’re a big one, aren’t you?” Her voice was comforting and mushy, like the kind used on a stray animal. “Don’t be scared, sweetie; I won’t hurt you. My name is Fluttershy. Is your owner inside?”

I stiffened, insulted at the idea that I was a pet, and tried to make a retort, but was stopped when she gasped and started to rub her soft, fuzzy hands on me. “Oh! You poor thing!” she simpered. “What happened to all your fur? Are you sick? Or did your owner do this to you?” Her face darkened. “What kind of pony shaves a poor, defenseless monkey like this? I’m going to have some words with them, believe me.”

I finally recovered my nerve, ignoring the rather pleasant sensation of her hands on my bare skin, and said, “Lady, I’m not a monkey. And what the fuck are you?”

‘Fluttershy’ froze and then took two quick steps back, her hooves making small scuffling noises on my lawn. She glanced up at my face, hers stricken with shock. Her hands went to her lips. “You… You can talk?”

I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head very carefully. “Yes…” I said with a tone like I was speaking with a very slow child, all drawn out words and needless condescension. "We tend to do that..."

“…eep.” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she fainted.

I stared at the passed-out alien at my feet then at Harry the Bear. He just returned my stare look for look, as if to say, ‘Yeah, sounds about right.’

“Whelp.” I drained the rest of my coffee. “I’m officially done with all this bullcrap.” I directed my attention back to Harry. “Want some trail mix?”

“Growlf.”

“Outstanding. Follow me then.” I paused. “And bring the horse chick. I don’t need the police to come around and find an unconscious alien in my back yard.”

And with that, I returned inside, Harry bringing the unconscious Fluttershy slung over his shoulders behind me.

Aside from how he’d tried to eat me, Harry made quite the conversationalist. Who knew you could use the words ‘growlf,’ ‘ralwr,’ and ‘harrumf-chu’ in so many contexts?

I nervously checked to make sure my boots were tied properly again. Normally I wouldn’t be this anxious over a supposed casual outing, but after the last date I wasn’t going to take anything for granted. What had started as a quiet movie night had turned into something much more, and my hormones were still raging at the thought of it.

Of course, that might’ve been because I had hung out with Pinkie Pie, one of the flirtiest individuals I knew. Compared to the other five, she was the most open with physical affection so I assumed (hoped?) that events today wouldn’t reach a fever pitch like they had before. But even Pinkie wouldn’t go as far as she had unless there was something dark and nefarious going on in the background, right?

…why’d I have to run out of booze? I really needed a nice warm buzz if I wanted to get through this ordeal unscathed. As soon as this next date was over, I was making a spirit run and Filthy Rich even filthy-richier.

Though that all didn’t mean that something else wouldn’t happen. Even if the others weren’t as - for lack of a better term, ‘gropey’ – as Pinkie was, it wasn’t certain that something else to screw with my emotions wouldn’t happen.

Twilight’s letter had said that today was going to be spent outside. The only two that immediately came to mind were the brash pegasus and level-headed earth mare. And with either one of them, I knew I was going to be put through the physical wringer. It was a given fact that me always left their company with bruises of some form or another, and I doubted that this incident would be any different.

To prepare for that, I had donned the Brawny man equivalent of fashion – jeans, flannel shirt, and hiking boots. I couldn’t remember the last time I went hiking (in that I don’t think I ever set foot on a mountainside in my life), but they were tough and durable and good for whatever cheap attempt at manual labor awaited me.

I looked around briefly. What else did I need? Some bug spray would be good; it was just moving towards the end of spring, so the little biting bastards would be coming out in preparation for their full assault during the summer.

I was about to dive into the closet of no return to search for the spray when I heard someone knock on the door. Surprisingly, it was rather hesitant and almost kind of timid – not at all like the impatient rattling or steadfast pounding I’d expect from the outspoken women. Maybe they were just as anxious about this as I was?

I couldn’t help the smirk that rose to my face. This was as good a time as any to get the first shot in. If I let them take the initiative, the whole day would be run at their pace, and I couldn’t allow that. Pinkie had already thrown me completely off-balance; I needed to get a few good licks in now.

Striding over to the door with a purpose, I flung it open, relishing the squeak that answered my sudden appearance, and said confidently, “Well, shit, woman, I thought you’d never get h… Huh. Hey, Flutters. you’re my date?”

“Um, uh… y-yes, I am. I’m… I’m here for our date now…”

The shy pegasus trembled on my doorstep. Her eyes were barely visible behind the curtain of her mane, and her wings were shivering wildly. Her ears were pinned to the top of her head, and her tail was ramrod stiff. A stiff breeze could knock the mare over, and she appeared to want to be anywhere else other than here right now.

I drew my mouth to the side. “You okay there?”

She jumped, and I saw a flash of her sea-green eyes before they dropped down and hid again. “Y-yes! I’m perfectly al-all right!”

I nodded slowly. Waving my hand out, I beckoned through my door. “Would you like to come in for a moment? Take a rest off your feet? …hooves?”

She frantically shook her head. I noticed her fingers gripping the basket she held in front of her, the skin under her fur a mottled mix of red and white. I scratched my cheek as she continued to shake like a leaf. Finally, I sighed.

“Look, if you’re not comfortable about this we can just call the whole thing off.”

Fluttershy snapped her head up. Part of her hair swept away to reveal one eye, wide with surprise. “What?”

I shrugged. “It’s obvious, to me at least, that you’re not real okay with this whole ‘date’ thing.”

She froze. “N-no! That’s not it at-“

“Don’t worry about it,” I waved off. I crossed my arms and looked up and to the right. I bit my lip. “Damn it, Sparky,” I muttered, half to myself. “She really didn’t have to drag all of you into this for her stupid ‘friendship’ experiment.” Shaking my head, I let out a cracked smile. “Pinkie I could understand, that girl lives for fun and messing with people. I don’t know how she got you wrapped up in all this, though, Flutters.” I turned back to her. “What’d she do? Badger you till you finally broke?”

“No, she didn’t do anything like that!” she cried out. I could hear the strain in her voice, though. Shit, this whole thing had really wound her up tight. I wasn’t surprised; unless it really interested her, Fluttershy did not react well to pressure. Pushing past her discomfort, Fluttershy said, “I actually wanted to-“

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” I interrupted kindly. “You don’t have to push myself.”

I put a hand to her head, stroking one of her ears. It was the main way I got the flighty mare to relax. Strange that someone as jittery as the pegasus would let I touch her in what seemed like such an intimate fashion, but I was assured by her and the others that it was just a sign of closeness that any friend could use. Fluttershy sure seemed to like it, as anytime I did so she would melt into a gooey, happy mess from whatever nervous breakdown she had worked herself into.

This time, however, was not one of them. Instead of the tension leaving her frame, it increased. Fluttershy shuddered the moment I touched her, her wings flaring out and ears shooting up, and she let out a trembling gasp. My hand halted and then swiftly retreated.

My face went pale at the thought that I’d just pulled a very serious faux-pas. “Oh, shit, Fluttershy, I didn’t mean to-” I tripped over my words as I tried to (futilely) explain myself. “Listen, we don’t have to do this at all. I’ll just tell Twilight the date was a bust, I did something stupid as expected, and you can just-”

“No!” she shrieked. Quickly, she grabbed both my hands and clamped down on them. “I don’t want that!” Her face broke through her mane, her eyes screwed shut. She was biting her lips so hard it looked like they’d start bleeding any second. “I want to go on a date with you! I… I mean…”

Fluttershy suddenly blushed, her whole face suffused crimson. She looked at me with an expression that was part horror, part shock, and all embarrassment. Then she ducked her head down and hid behind her mane again. “I-I mean… I’d like to go on a date… if, um, that’s okay with you, I mean.”

My logic centers skipped a groove at her vehemence. “…really?”

She rapidly bobbed her head. I couldn’t help but laugh as her light-pink hair flew every which way, messing it up from the somewhat controlled and combed coif it’d been before. She squeaked at my mirthful chuckle. Fluttershy looked up at me again. Her lips were quirked ever so slightly.

“If it’s… if it’s okay.”

I took the time to scrutinize her. Fluttershy had a very maternal stature, thick in all the right ways, with a quiet and unassuming beauty to her. It was uncommon for her to wear makeup, though she did sometimes use scented lipbalm. In fact, by the glossiness on her lips right now, she was probably using some. Strawberry by the scent of it. It fit her.

She dressed to fit her motherly image. Rarely did I see her in anything other than practical clothes that tended to cover every inch of her body, even when she was tending to the wildlife that treated her as Fluttershy, Medicine Mare. While she did dress cutely or even to impress occasionally, it wasn’t often that she tried to exemplify her womanly charm instead of ignoring or even hiding it.

This was not her usual fashion. Instead of the common turtleneck sweater and slacks I’d gotten accustomed to seeing (even during some of the hotter months), this time Fluttershy wore a teal silk blouse that accentuated the swelling of her not-inconsiderable bosom with a cream-colored cardigan thrown over, the cardigan’s sleeves a little too long so that they hung over her fingers. On the bottom, a charcoal-grey pleated skirt ran down to her fetlocks, wider near the top to show off her foal-bearing hips. The most I could see of her coat was the neck and above, the end of her hands, and her hooves, but she didn’t need to show any skin to make my heart beat just a little quicker than before.

In short, she was a beauty, but not in the kind of ‘in your face’ sexiness that Pinkie wore with pride or carefully cultivated style that Rarity tried so hard to keep and succeeded on with wild aplomb. It was a more… natural kind of beauty, the kind where you never really noticed it, simply accepted that it was and had always been there. A sneaky, patient kind of comeliness.

Which, considering her personality, made her attempt at dressing up all the more effective in my eyes. If Pinkie was a firecracker, Fluttershy was her poor abused namesake that tried to avoid direct damage from the flying explosive and yet still always got marked by the splash. She was quiet, nervous, patient, and always got dragged into what her friends were doing. And she needed that patience – without her saint-like demeanor, I doubted she’d survive for long.

Given the way her eyes shined with both anticipation and anxiety, that patience wasn’t going to last for long before she clammed up again. She realized she still had a deathgrip on my hands and let go with a flustered squeak.

My eyes flicked to the butterfly-style hairpin on the right side of her bangs. I’d never seen her wear hair ornaments before. It made her look… pretty. Well, prettier, I could admit to myself. Though it would be better if the hair was actually held properly.

Fluttershy froze when my hand brushed up past her muzzle but then relaxed when I moved her mane back in place, securing it with the hairpin. She smiled softly, her face lighting up.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“No problem.” I shifted my weight onto one foot. “You look very pretty today.” Hey, I could learn some dating etiquette! Last night’s date wasn’t a complete bust in that regard.

Fluttershy’s face blossomed. “Really?”

“Uh-huh.” I pointed at her hair ornament. “I like your hairpin.”

Her hand went up to touch it. “O-oh, this? I, um, I just had it lying around. I thought today was a nice day to wear it.”

I smirked when she didn’t look at me. Aww… she was trying to be casual about dressing up for my date. Shit was Fluttershy adorable. It made me want to squeeze her and pet her and call her George.

“So,” I started. Fluttershy faced me again, her blush still not faded away but making definite eye contact. “What do you have for today? I heard it was going to be outside but I think I’m a dressed a little too rough for what you probably have planned.” I gestured at my outdoorsman outfit. It did not make a good fit at all for her subdued feminine appearance.

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, no! you’re fine! I think you look very… handsome and studly.” Her blush grew darker at my widening, teasing grin and she shot her eyes to the ground. “Um! I thought we could have a nice walk and then eat together! I made a picnic lunch!” She thrust the basket up and out, refusing to break her staring contest with the cement.

She didn’t have much of a chance of winning; she’d already had her eyes snapped shut and the doorstep didn’t have eyes to blink. Still blazingly adorable.

I laughed again. “Sounds good to me. Let me just lock up and we can get going.”

Fluttershy hiccupped and took a long step back, somehow not tripping over her hooves despite not paying a lick of attention to where she was going.

I closed and locked the front door and then plucked the basket from her hands. “Here, I’ll take that. Let me at least try to act like a gentleman.” A grunt escaped from me as the weight of the basket nearly made it slip from my fingers. What was she carrying in there? Bricks?

Fluttershy giggled softly at the strain that must’ve appeared on my face. “I, um… think you’re very much a gentlestallion.”

“Well thank you,” I emphasized. “Though I think your friends would say otherwise.” Especially Rarity and Twilight, the uptight marmmares.

She giggled again. “They’re your friends, too, you know.”

I snorted and started walking off. Fluttershy quickly cantered after me. She slid up on my side opposite the one holding the basket, and I almost stopped when I felt her fingers skim by, halt, and then grasp my hand. I flicked my eyes over. She smiled sheepishly, her face still red.

“I thought it would be more date-like if we… held hands?”

I frowned, and she faltered. She tried to pull away but was prevented when I turned my hand around to grasp hers back. Her expression loosened at my capricious smirk. “Little more official this way, don’t you think?”

She pushed her mane back and nodded without words. Yup, I was learning alright. A little more classy-acting like this and the day couldn’t go wrong!

I let Fluttershy be the one to push forward, the mare happily taking the lead. She obviously knew where we were going and I had no problems with finding out where that was. There was nothing said between us, a comfortable silence that perfectly encapsulated what hanging around the animal caretaker was like. There was only the sound and touch of the wind, a gentle reminder of the passing day.

I blinked when I felt something dip along my back. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Fluttershy’s wing on my side spread out to almost engulf me, the tip reached out past the small of my back and shoulder. Every so often, it would tuck back in, tracing my shoulder blades so softly that me wouldn’t have noticed it unless I already knew it was there.

I could feel her warmth through my arm. She was close enough that hers was pressing faintly against mine, every step not jostling her position. I glanced at her and saw her sneaking glimpses at me. Seeing me catch her, Fluttershy squeaked. For the smallest of moments, her arm detached from I before moving back, even closer this time. She squeaked again when I applied more pressure myself, tightening my hold on her hand, but refused to move away. She didn’t meet my eyes again, though.

I turned my attention upward. There were a host of clouds scattered about but I could still see past them to the afternoon sky.

I continued walking with my date, enjoying the company for what it was. Maybe the hiking boots would come in handy after all.

The lack of sound didn’t portend well. There was never a moment when I was near Fluttershy’s cottage during her unofficial open hours that there wasn’t some cacophonous racket emanating from inside or around the back where she kept the kennels. But now, even in the middle of the day, I didn’t hear a thing.

I knocked on the heavy wooden door. “Flutters, you there?”

There wasn’t any answer. I knocked again, calling her name, but when I still didn’t receive any kind of response, I pushed on the door. Unsurprisingly, it swung open easily. Fluttershy never kept her door locked; she said it would make it more difficult for guests to come by.

The inside of the cottage was dark. I could make out various cages, posts, and other objects through the gloom. However, there were no animals to accompany them. Now I was worried.

I didn’t bother looking for a light switch. Fluttershy relied on more natural illumination – either sun or moonlight, and gas lamps or candles. Something about how the artificial nature of mana lighting was detrimental to animal growth or something. Instead, I walked over to a window and flung the curtain open, sunshine flooding in.

There was a cry of surprise and I spun around to its origin.

“Flutters?”

“M-mister Nemo?”

Fluttershy was sitting on the floor against the wall, her wings wrapped around her form. She had her knees drawn up to her chin with her face buried in between. She blinked at the sudden influx of light, holding a hand to shade herself, and I could make out the tear trails that ran down her face.

There was something else that immediately grabbed my attention. Her hands – her fingers were stained a light pink, even though they looked freshly (and repeatedly) scrubbed. Sensing that I’d noticed, Fluttershy pulled her hands back and hid them in the half-dome of her wings. She bowed her head and gave a loud, emotional sniff.

“Wha… what are you doing h-here?”

“…he didn’t make it.” My words were more a declaration of final judgement than question.

Fluttershy’s eyes watered again and she burst into tears.

So the little guy had passed away then. I figured as much. When I’d found the lop-eared baby rabbit injured in the woods, no doubt attacked by a bird of prey or other large predator, he’d looked to be in terrible shape. I was surprised that he lasted long enough for me to bring him to be treated by Fluttershy. Her being a bleeding heart and all, she’d immediately tried to save him.

I guess it hadn’t been enough.

Fluttershy continued to weep as I carefully made my way over, sliding down the wall to sit a few feet from her. “Where are the other animals?”

She blew her nose nosily. “A-Angel took them out. I… I didn’t want them to see me cry.”

Huh, so the little fuzzy bastard had a heart after all. Maybe I wouldn’t punt him next time I saw him. Fluttershy caught my attention.

“Am… am I a bad pony?”

I blinked. “Why would you say that?”

She hiccupped. “I couldn’t, couldn’t save another one.”

“…this happen often?”

She started to shake her head, paused, and then sank into herself. “I know it’s part of life, that the bigger ones have to eat the smaller ones to survive… But when there’s a poor creature in front of me that me can help… and I don’t, I… I…” She sobbed. “I’m going to have to tell Mr. and Mrs. Hopper what happened. They’re going to be devastated.”

“I knew them?”

Fluttershy wiped her nose. Her voice picked up strength as she talked. “I know most of the woodland citizens. They’re a recent addition. Lovely family – twenty-one kids and some extended relatives.” Her lips trembled and she swung around to face me. “What am I going to say to them?”

I shrugged. “Can’t really tell you.”

She froze at my casual reaction. “…What?”

“Flutters, remember, I come from a world where most wild animals are either something to be avoided, removed, domesticated, or whacked over the head and cooked. It’s hard for me to empathize with something that would more likely be a meal or something squished on the side of the road.”

Anger flashed swift and hot in her face. “How can you be so cruel? That little bunny did all he could to survive! Even till his last breath, he clung on to life. And you’re telling me he was nothing more than… than a pest? Somepony not even worth mentioning?”

“Then tell his family that.”

Her fury stuttered and suffocated. “What?” She sounded very small.

“What does it matter what I think? I’m just the dumb human who found him and passed him off to someone who could actually do something.”

“But I couldn’t do anything…!” Fluttershy wailed.

“But you tried. You tried harder than anyone else did. Don’t you think that’s worth thinking about? That it was worth it to him? When, in his last moments, he had someone desperately worrying for him, trying to help him, trying to send him back to his family?" I leaned my chin on a closed hand. "Don't you think his family would want to know he went out fighting rather than alone in some random tree knot?

"...I..."

"Flutters, I've never been a pet person. I don't think I have a single legitimate caretaking bone in my body. Hell, I'm surprised I didn't send myself rolling into a ditch when I first started living alone." I shrugged again. "So really, who gives a fuck what I think?"

I stood up and grabbed the pegasus from underneath her armpits, lifting her up. Despite how she was only a few inches shorter than me, she barely weighed anything. What, did pegasus have hollow bones like birds did too? Where was she hiding all that weight? Fluttershy cried out in alarm as I deposited her back on her hooves. Her wings plumed out at my motion.

"Now, come on, let's go wash your hands. They're still covered in crap."

She stumbled as I pulled her to her sink. Somehow finding the words, she stuttered, "B-but I've washed them a dozen times already! The blood, the blood won't come out no matter how hard I scrub..."

I flipped on the faucet and shoved her hands underneath the running water. "Well, then it's a good thing I'm an expert at washing out bloodstains." I snatched a heavy-duty washcloth from the side and a bottle of white vinegar that was on the lazy Susan near her oven. I was quiet for a beat. "Just don't ask how I learned; you'll faint or some shit."

While I created an unholy abomination of a brew, Fluttershy watched me out of the corner of her eye. Her eyes asked something, for some sympathetic words that could comfort her and let her know it was all going to be okay. For a meaning to the meaningless happenstance of the glorious process called the food chain. I didn't bother to say anything; what more could I possibly say, after all?

And really, what the fuck did it matter what I said? Was it going to erase her guilt? She was too kind to not blame herself. Would it bring that bunny back to life? Like hell it would. So what ancient pearls of wisdoms could I bestow that would be anything more than inconsequential bullshit?

As I scoured Fluttershy's hands, she leaned against my shoulder. I didn't stop but still chanced a glimpse at her. Her face was empty, devoid of emotion, and yet still serene in a way. Her lips formed no real words until she raised her voice.

"Would you come with me when I tell them?"

I ran the towel between her fingers, scraping at the stubborn flakes of blood. "Yeah, sure, I'm always good for an emotional punching bag. Just don't ask me to say anything profound. I'm pretty bad at that." I turned her palm up and worked the cleanser into the creases.

"Oh, I don't know..." Something sparkled in her eyes, though her expression didn't change. "I think you’re okay."

Lifting her arm up to examine her hand in the sunlight, I found it to my approval. I grabbed the other and repeated my work. "Whatever you say, Flutters. Now hand me some more vinegar; you’re going to stink to high heaven for days."

For the first time since I’d arrived, something burbled from Fluttershy that wasn't a cry, wail, or snot-filled blubber. I never heard anything more lovely.

It was an hour or so before I reached the spot where Fluttershy had arranged to hold the picnic. It wasn’t a moment too soon, as I hadn’t worn these boots in a while (totally forgot I had them buried in my closet even before my ‘transfer’) and could feel a blister forming on the side of my foot. I wasn’t going to say anything about it, since I didn’t need Fluttershy fussing over my booboos, but damn did I need to get out more.

Fluttershy took the basket from me and pulled out a large, thick blanket from the top. With my help, we spread it out on the grass below the small copse of trees that overlooked a hill. In the distance, I could see Ponyville, the Everfree a dense, dark green to the right, and the smattering of apple trees from Sweet Apple Acres further off.

Fluttershy sat down, tucking her skirt and legs beneath her, and patiently waited for me to join. I grunted when I sat down cross-legged, a clear opposite to her demure posture. I raised a hand to my face and looked up, watching the sunlight shine through the branches and create shadows over us.

I was broken from my absent musings when Fluttershy spoke up. “Umm, I didn’t know what me might like, so I made a bit of everything. It’s nothing special, but I hope you enjoy it.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I assured her. “Probably a lot better than anything I could come up with.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” She twirled her finger in a strand of hair. “I think you could do it too if you tried, mister.”

Yeah, that was a stretch. Equestria was a lazy man’s nightmare come to life. Almost everything was freshly-made and it looked like no one had even heard of the term ‘instant food.’ Frozen meals, dehydrated food, snacks with enough preservative to embalm a rhino – these delicacies were rarer than precious jewels in this land’s economy.

For someone like me who couldn’t boil water without setting it on fire, my careful and tedious scheme to make myself immortal by preserving myself with artificial ingredients took a quick and inglorious nosedive and crashed into the organic wonderland that was this fluffy pony hellscape.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I watched as Fluttershy took out the food she’d prepared – sandwiches, fresh fruit, jams and jellies, several types of salads, and a bottle of sparkling fruit juice. Unsurprisingly, everything was vegetarian, though I did note that a lot of ingredients consisted of eggs or other animal-safe byproducts. Considering she was as close to a vegan as this place got (even though ponies never ate meat, finding one that completely abstained from all animal products was nearly as rare), I wondered if this was her attempt to put my omnivorous nature at ease. I also absently wondered how much hell Fluttershy’d put her chicken coop through to get enough supplies.

“I, um, I hope you like it.”

The spread laid out before me was a veritable feast. I didn’t know why she was so nervous. “It looks delicious, Flutters.”

She preened but drew back in on herself as I picked up what looked like an egg salad sandwich, a tiny little finger-food thing with a thin slice of tomato and the crusts cut off. The bread sprung between my fingers like a cloud and Fluttershy watched with trepidation as I popped it into my mouth. I chewed once, twice, three times, then swallowed. She held her breath.

I licked my fingers. “Tastes just as good, too.” Really, it did. It wasn’t like tasting a slice of heaven, but it was warm and comforting, a bit of home cooking that settled in my core and held me close.

She let out a sigh of relief. “Tha-that’s good! Um, here, try this one next!” She picked up another small sandwich and held it out to me. “This one is cucumber and squash. Oh, and I think you’d enjoy the smashed potato salad and maybe a little of the apple jam and…” She cheerfully pointed out and described each of the meals she’d made, explaining the ingredients and what would mesh well with what based on my tastes.

For a while, we enjoyed lunch quietly. Seemingly embarrassed by her overenthusiasm of telling me about the food she had spent time on for my date, Fluttershy sank back into her usual tight-lipped demeanor. She would just smile nervously and take little nibbles of her food, apparently satisfied with me taking the lion’s share.

A few times I tried to broach the silence with questions or topics that I assumed were appropriate to ask or talk about on a date, but with the one- to two-word answers that she gave me, there was very little ground-breaking development. Ironically, it was the exact opposite of my date with Pinkie.

With the pink powerhouse, any silence was because we were both too focused on paying attention to the delicious camp that flowed from the big screen. When desired, neither of us had any problem just chatting about any random thing. I’d covered my variety of side jobs, any new recipes she’d come up with, how Rainbow was a feather’s edge from snapping all of her bones again with her equally bone-headed aerial stunts, why I wasn’t ever going to babysit Gummy for her ever again.

For a gator without any teeth, he still knew how to get his chomp on.

With Fluttershy, however, discussion didn’t come easily. Things naturally leaned towards just sitting there and enjoying a peaceful setting. Sure, I didn’t mind the quiet, but I also didn’t figure it was very apt for a date. It wasn’t even all that good for just hanging out, let alone a romantic excursion.

Still, I wasn’t going to open my big mouth and say anything. Fluttershy was calm and pleased (I think; I wasn’t terribly certain), and I didn’t want to ruin that. But she was also very fidgety at the same time. Every time she’d go to pick a piece of food, if I moved in her general direction, she would quickly retreat and play with her hands. She also avoided any eye contact with me. It didn’t exactly make me feel welcomed or that she was completely enjoying herself.

The breaking point occurred when we both reached for the same crystal jar of blueberry jam. My fingers brushed against each other and Fluttershy snapped her hand back like it’d been burned, a subdued and cut-short gasp on her lips, her face ablaze.

I kept my hand on the jar for a few seconds and then pulled back, sighing.

“Hey, Flutters?”

She gulped. “Yes?”

“Why are we here?”

She blinked. “I, I’m sorry, did I pick a bad spot? Is there something wrong with where we’re sitting? I didn’t mean to-“

I waved her ramblings off with a gesture. “Not that. I mean, why are you here with me? You don’t look like you’re having any fun.”

“That’s not true!” she cried out. She leaned forward on her hands and knees, her hair fanning out in front of her face. She blew out of the corner of her mouth, hooking the free strands behind her ear. “I… I’m having fun! Really! I’m sorry if I gave I the wrong impression!” Her hands curled up. “It’s just… I’m nervous. I’ve never been on a date before and…”

I sat there, poleaxed. “You…” I took a shaky swallow. “You’ve never been on a date? This is your first one?”

She didn’t move for a few seconds and then nodded slowly. Her eyes sank, her blush rising even higher. My eyes rolled over to take in the full panorama of the dishes laid before me.

How long had she spent making all this food? Sure, it was simple, but the variety and amount couldn’t have taken a short while. And it was still fresh-tasting. How early had she’d woken up to start? At sunrise? Earlier? When I was fooling around with Pinkie, what had she been doing and thinking about?

I was her first date. I had been thinking of it this whole time as a practice run while it had been something much deeper to her. Maybe it was still only for fun, but even I knew the sanctity attached to the title of ‘first.’ A first date, even one just to help out a friend, needed a lot of courage and strength to go through with.

…Great, now I felt like an asshole. Wait, no, there was no ‘felt’ about it. I was an asshole – a raving asshole who never thought ahead. Normally I didn’t care if that struck me poorly but this also had an effect on Fluttershy, my… friend.

I tapped at my cheek, my emotions a mish-mash of insanity and confusion. “Say.” Fluttershy’s face turned up, cheeks and mouth tight. “Why are you doing this, the whole date thing? Doesn’t really seem worth it.”

She mumbled, her voice low but also frantic. “No, it’s worth it! Really!”

“Really?” My brow raised then drew back down. “Because from where I’m sitting, I just took a lovely mare’s first date and have been pretty much treating it like crap.” She tried to interject but I didn’t let her, shooting her down with a pointed look. “I mean, I know I’m not being as rude as I can usually be, but I’m not exactly trying my hardest either, now am I?”

The wind blew, cold on my skin. Fluttershy said and did nothing. Seconds passed until I heard her talk again. She was speaking so softly, I could only make out the last of what she said. “…it to me.”

“…what?”

She sniffed and pushed her mane back again. She sat back on her legs and ran her hands down through her mane, her neck slightly tilted. “It’s worth it to me,” she stated with vigor.

“…why?”

“Why what?”

“Why’s it worth it? Why’s it worth anything?”

“The date?”

I shrugged.

“…you’re not a bad person.”

Her use of the word ‘person’ and not the traditional nomenclature of ‘pony’ did not escape me. It did trigger some strange feelings deep in my gut, though. “And what makes you say that?”

“Because I know you.”

I scoffed. “Flutters, we’ve known each other for maybe a year, and for most of that I’d hole up in my house. What makes you think you know me well enough to call me ‘good?’”

“…because I watch you.” My eyebrows raised at the ambiguous phrasing. Did I have a Flutterstalker on my hands? Sure, she'd be the most darling of crazies but that wasn't exactly something I was planning on.

Ignorant of my swiftly deteriorating musings, Fluttershy went on. “You talk bad about ponies but never behind their backs. You complain about everything but still always try to finish whatever somepony asks of you. you’re naughty, much more naughty than I like, but you’re not mean.”

Ouch, my chest again. Only two dates in and I was even more in danger of heart failure.

“You’re a good pony, a good person, a good human.” She locked eyes with me. “So, yes, it’s worth it to me. I like that I’m on a date with you and… and…” She steeled her shoulders and straightened her back. Her blush receded only to blaze forth in her now volatile gaze. “I won’t fall back, I’ll go on the attack!”

My mind raced at the silly and aggressive tone of her words and voice. Fluttershy took advantage of my bewilderment by picking up a sandwich and holding it out to me, one hand cupped underneath. She leaned forward, her expression one that would not accept any sass.

“Now say ‘ahh…’”

I could feel my capillaries expanding at the intimate nature of her gesture. It didn’t help that her posture brought her figure into a better light. Although she was covered top to bottom, in my eyes it only served to enhance her loveliness, especially now that she was crawling hands over knees to feed me.

“F-Flutters…” My pathetic, cowardly body betrayed me, my voice shaking minutely. “I’m not-“

She leaned even further, jabbing the food right below my nose. Her heavy chest swung lazily from the movement. “Ahh…!”

“I can’t-“

“Ahhhhh…!”

I scowled at her. She refused to budge, instead pushing forward again until she almost bumped the finger food against my lips with another nonverbal command. Damn it, why’d she have to be all confident and pushy now of all times! I liked it better when she was being serenely mopey!

And those eyes, what was with her eyes? Demanding and pleading and undeniable and immovable and irresistible all wrapped up in the overly cute stare that all woodland critters learned from birth and it just had to be on a lovely woman with a lovelier face and the loveliest curves and ARRRRGGGGHHHH…!

She swelled with pride when I caved in and snapped the sandwich out of her hands with a vicious bite. Chewing roughly, I swallowed and scowled even harder at her smug expression. Slowly, though, a devious idea came to me. If she wanted to be on the attack, she had to prepare to ride the defensive as well.

Turnabout was fair play, right?

Fluttershy’s brows drew in confusion when the misplaced anger on my face drained away only to be replaced by something more impish. With a grand flourish, my fingers danced across the collection of finger snacks before I found something permissible and raised it into sight. I leisurely dangled a sandwich, a jam and mint-filled sweet, in front of Fluttershy. Realization dawned on her face in a blooming pile of shame and alarm.

“Ahh…?”

She squeaked and minutely shook her head side-to-side, her hooves pawing at the ground. I shook my hand. “Ahh…!”

Her ears pinned to her head, Fluttershy leaned forward and took a small nibble. She glanced for approval, hoping to be excused from this dishonor. My devilish expression did not submit. “Ah~hh…”

With tiny, trembling bites, Fluttershy finished off the sandwich and sat back. She licked her lips, her face easily mistaken for a tomato. I chuckled at my completely legitimate victory but stopped when she spoke up.

“Can… can I have a piece of fruit, too?”

I restrained my heartier laugh. I didn’t know Fluttershy was that much of a masochist, but if she wanted to embarrass herself further, I wasn’t going to stop her. It would just give me more ammo to tease her with for later.

Besides, I needed something to balance the scale after what Pinkie did to me. It was too bad that Fluttershy had to be the sacrificial lamb for my depraved sense of vanity.

I pulled a cut strawberry from the dish and held it out to her. Again, she leaned forward and took it from I with her mouth. However, this time she didn’t immediately retreat but instead took the time to pull it from my fingertips in one long, luscious moment. I could feel her soft, full lips brush over my fingers as she drew the piece of fruit in with meticulous care. Her tongue, pebbly and tender, washed over my skin as my breath caught in my throat.

She opened her eyes, the effort painstakingly glacial, and stared at I, her mouth wrapped round my fingertips. I couldn’t discern the emotions contained in them. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Fluttershy pulled her lips back with a barely audible slurp, her tongue lingering on I for a split-second more than what was suitable for polite company. Again, she traced her lips, moist and pouty, her face so red and warm I could feel it from where I sat.

Or maybe that was my face.

She broke the deafening silence. “You… you, um, had some juice on your fingers.” She fidgeted. “No good?”

She was just like Pinkie. Fluttershy was here to reap me of all my manly energy by burning my libido out till I was nothing more than deprived husk of a man. She was a devious pony succubus disguised as a chaste pony angel here to rob me of my immortal soul and send me down to sexy hell (which really wasn’t as gratifying as its name implied).

Why did this keep happening?

And why was I so turned on by it?

I wasn't sure if Fluttershy was aware of how vulnerable (or aroused) I was, but she certainly didn't waste any time in taking advantage of it. She drew a circle in a patch of dirt with her finger, her eyes flicking back and forth at me.

"Um, Nemo? Can… can I ask you for another favor?"

No, general, her voice had not dropped an octave; that was just my delusions encroaching on reality for the nth time. Don't make me bring up threats of court-martialing again!

"...uh..."

"Can... can I rest my head on your lap?"

Oh fucking shit it was Pinkiepalooza all over again! Abandon ship! Abandon ship! The SS Fuck You was going down, victim of crazy mare allure-torpedo bombings! Every man and pony for themselves!

"I... don't think that's a smart idea, Fluttershy. Maybe-"

"Please?" No, not the eyes. Not those godforsaken eyes! "I, um, would really appreciate it." Stay strong, you dumb bastard, stay strong! "If..." Those weapons of enticement locked me down. "M-maybe you could think of it as a gift? To apologize for 'not showing me a good time?'" She ducked down. "If that's okay with you, I mean."

Hrrrrggghhhh...

I shot up to my feet. Fluttershy squeaked-whinnied and looked about ready to run and hide, covering her head, her ears pinned back and tailed wrapped around her waist. She slowly broke out of her protective curl when, instead of running for the hills like a goddamn man would, I cleared the short distance between us and sat down next to her. I stretched my legs out and leaned back on my hands.

I answered her questioning gaze with a sharp clearing of the throat and looked away. I heard her make a few confused horse noises before quickly shifting to one loud pleased horse one. Soon, I felt the weight of her head on my leg, a content sigh seeping from her. One of her hands picked at the fabric of my jeans close to my knee.

"Can I ask for another favor?"

Okay, there was no hope for me, Just give into the charm that was all ponies and my demise would be quick and painless.

"...what?"

"Can... can you pet my head?"

Again, just like Pinkie, but this time it was a nervous request rather than a perky demand. I sighed and put my hand on her head, stroking down past her twitching ears and through her mane. When I reached the end, I began the process all over again.

Fluttershy nickered joyfully and her tail whipped against my lower back. I chanced a glance and found her eyes closed, a peaceful and yet effervescent gaiety to them. She rubbed her cheek on my leg, the thin layer of fur making all kinds of interesting sensations through my denim, and I resisted the very strong urge to gulp dramatically. Again, she cooed when my hand found its way back to the starting line.

I continued the petting session for a while until eventually I noticed that Fluttershy was no longer making noises, even when I got her behind the ears in just the right manner. I leaned forward and found her asleep, the gentle beauty breathing in and out ever so softly.

For a brief moment, I considered just leaving her be, but when my hand stopped during that short length her body shivered and she shifted her head, as if looking for said contact. Sad sounds like an abandoned pet cried out from her lips. That cleared up any misgivings right away, and Fluttershy quickly settled back down when I resumed my eternal duty. The sad just as quickly turned to happy, and soft coos and huffs swept up alongside the breeze.

I looked around at the now somewhat disorganized picnic, blanket scrunched up from me walking across it, foodstuff sprinkled wherever it was last eaten. Then back to the mare using me as a pillow.

I felt around till I found the neck of the juice bottle and popped the cork with my teeth, taking a good swig. The tingle traveled all the way down my throat and bubbled excitedly in my stomach. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt.

The view really was nice here. Maybe I should come here again... with company. After a little contemplation, I took another swig.

Shit, I really hoped my leg wouldn't fall asleep soon. That pins-and-needles shit took forever to dissipate.

I opened my eyes to the piercing rays of the sun. Everything seemed overly bright and sharp, sudden contrasting shadows overlaying random spots in my vision. A stinging pain echoed through my skull, and I felt the blood throbbing in my head to the rhythm of some tribal beat. I winced in pain and tried to put a hand to my head, a sensation of vertigo overtaking me.

Someone grabbed my hand and laid it on my chest. “Oh, um, good, you’re awake.”

My vision refocused and I saw an upside-down Fluttershy looking down at me, the canopy of the trees behind her. I realized that I was lying down, my head in her lap. Around us, I could hear the light rustling of wind through the breeze and bird song. My neck twitched and I tried to get up, but Fluttershy put a firm hand to my chest.

“Please don’t move. You hit my head when you fell out of the tree.” Her mouth was drawn into a concerned frown, her eyes slightly shadowed by her hair. I felt her graze the back of my head and winced when she touched a sore, raised lump.

I remembered. A baby bird had fallen out of its nest but was too young to fly back up. Fluttershy had tried to return it but the branches of the tree holding the nest was covered in thick, prickly brambles. With her wingspan (fairly large by pegasus standards), there was little chance of her getting close enough to return the bird to its parents.

Luckily for her I didn’t have to worry about catching my non-existent wings on thorns. When she'd arrived at my house all in a tizzy, I should've expected something this germane. I probably had a few new holes in my clothing and a corresponding number of scratches and cuts but that didn’t prevent me from climbing up and dropping the tiny avian off. It left me with a feeling of accomplishment and pride.

Of course, then I had to slip while making my way back down and conk my head on an outstretched branch. Bit of a downer ending to the occasion.

I groaned and rubbed at my temple. “How long was I out for?”

“Only a couple minutes.” Fluttershy brushed my hair back. “Your eyes weren’t dilated when I checked, so I don’t think you received a concussion, but I just want to make sure, okay?” Her pleading stare made me swallow any argument I might’ve made.

She smiled softly at my eye roll, and I leaned my head back. What followed was a few basic questions to verify that I wasn’t mentally addled from the blow – what my name was, my age, what I last remembered, and so on. I must’ve answered everything to her satisfaction because her lips curled up more and she hooked some hair back over her ear, revealing more of her face. I wasn’t sure but I think her eyes looked a bit misty and puffy. Had she been crying?

She held up her hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

I squinted a bit, my vision still a little blurred. “Three.”

She bobbed her head. “Good! Now… follow my finger carefully.” She moved it up and down, across and back. I followed it the best I could. She nodded again. “Also good! Um, your reaction time is a little slow but nothing that we need to be concerned about.”

“So I’m good to go?”

“Mmhm.”

“Okay then…” I started to get up again but found Fluttershy holding me back once more. “Um, Flutters, thought you said I was okay. Mind if I get up?”

She glanced off to the side. “Oh, I mean, you shouldn’t get up too quickly. You did have a bit of a, um, nasty fall. You should lie down until we’re certain you won’t push myself.”

I scoffed. “I think I know my limits. Now, c’mon, I have to get going.” I grunted as her fingers refused to budge. It was like someone had placed a steel slab right above me. How could she be this strong? She didn’t even look like she was trying. “Fluttershy…” I warned.

“I think it best if you just lay there for a bit longer,” she said. Still, she refused to look at me, her gaze off and away. Her lips were slightly parted, and I could hear her light breathing. Her free hand brushed some hair away from her eyes.

“Damn it, Fluttershy, I’m not joking around here.” I pushed again, harder this time.

This time, she pushed back. I grunted when I found myself steadily held to the ground, her hand splayed on my chest like an immobile rod. Fluttershy slowly swung her head back at me, and I was ready to bark some pointed words when they hitched themselves up in my throat.

One eye was dry but the other was clearly wet. She sniffed and brought her hand back up to wipe at the tears gathered. She gave me a light glare, not nearly to the extent of her patented ‘Flutterstare’ but enough to make me feel like all the Catholic and Jewish mothers were disappointed in me. Fluttershy made another, longer sniffle.

Her tone was partly-petulant, partly-tired. Her ears flopped down. “I was worried about you, you know. You fell and didn’t wake up and I knew it was all my fault and-“

I groaned and tilted my head back. I covered my face with a hand. “It’s not your fault I don’t know how to jump off a tree the right way.”

I could feel her tremble and shake her head. “But you wouldn’t have been in the tree in the first place if I hadn’t asked you.”

"And you wouldn't have gotten into the tree in the first place?"

"But if I hadn't insisted-!"

I removed I hand and stared at her, eyebrow quirked. “So, what? If I had just done it on my own, you wouldn’t have been worried about me?”

“That’s not-!” She bit her lip and looked down. Her mane fanned out in front of her face. The hand that had been on my chest slid to my other hand. Her fingers interlaced with my own.

It was odd holding hands with a pony this way. Their fingers were different than a human’s – thicker, shorter, less dexterous, a strange durability to their tips similar to their hooves. There was also the distinct feeling of something missing… Probably because they were short one compared to me.

My odd mental wandering was called back when I felt her hand tighten. “That’s not what I meant at all…”

I thought for a moment and then heaved out a great sigh. “Flutters, you take everything way too seriously.”

“But Nemo…”

I squeezed her hand back and she squeaked. I let out a crooked smile. She smiled back, a ghost of a lilt in her lips. Tilting my head back, I said, “Is the bird okay?”

“Oh!” She perked up, her smile becoming more genuine. “Yes! Mr. and Mrs. Robin were very happy to have their child back. They give you their thanks.”

Above me, I heard a warbling trill, and then a small robin flew down to lightly land on my chest. It tilted its head, a scary amount of intelligence reflected in its eyes. I was still a little weirded out by the whole ‘self-awareness’ thing the animals in this world had compared to the ones back home. Not being able to readily eat meat became a lot easier to handle when I considered that each pound of poultry or leg of lamb probably had a name and work history attached to it at some point.

God but did I miss bacon.

The robin, unaware of my somewhat macabre thoughts, hopped forward to examine me. Finding whatever it was that sentient fowl sought, it trilled again, gave me a harmless peck on the hand, and then flew back up. I could make out it landing in its nest, its mate and the smaller child (along with its siblings) chirping and watching me.

Fluttershy smiled softly. “See? They like you! Maybe you’ll get a visit from them when the babies are older. Wouldn’t that be nice?” She giggled when a few birds, apparently finding that I was now acceptable to avian-kind, flew down to greet her. Soon, there was a menagerie of miniature wildlife populating the area.

I scrunched up my mouth at the thought of birds hanging on my windowsill to bring me the latest forest gossip and bug report. Yeah, I didn’t need to have my abode go all Snow White on me. I took a glimpse at the butter-yellow mare, who was quietly chatting to a cardinal perched on her shoulder. That was already Fluttershy’s shtick.

My frown grew as I considered something. “They aren’t going to crap all over me, are they? I really don’t need to deal with washing white fool’s gold out of my clothes later.”

Fluttershy gasped and put a hand to her chest. I briefly noticed that she hadn’t, nor seemed to intend to, let go of my hand this whole time. “Goodness! They wouldn’t do such a thing!” She turned to her feathery friends. “Would you?”

As one, all of the birds turned their heads and let out the most forcefully nonchalant whistle. What might have sounded cute or breathtaking instead ended up sounding like a very constipated falsetto tea kettle.

I was not overjoyed with the situation.

Fluttershy laughed awkwardly at my swiftly darkening eyes. "Oh, um, I... I'm sure that they are just joking with you...?" She bit her lip, her ears pinned to her head. "I... I'm sorry. I just- just wanted to..." Fluttershy fell silent. Sensing her melancholy, the clearing followed and soon all I could hear was the breeze.

I looked at her. Her cheeks were red, not from a flush, but instead from a rubbed rawness. My eyes slid down. Her tail was wrapped around my leg protectively. Fluttershy gave a shuddery sigh. Her hand tightened on mine briefly and then let go.

She jumped when I drew it back. Her face shifted towards me, her ears turned inward, her chest caught midway between breaths. I simply returned the gaze then laid my head back, resting it on her soft legs. All I could see was the dense canopy, the leaves waving. My fingers entwined, her fur infinitely downy yet ephemeral to the touch. I couldn't see her but heard a small hiccup.

I smiled absently. "You're such a crybaby."

And so simple to tease. She really needed to work on her assertiveness. Though if the rumors I'd heard about her one attempt were true, maybe it was best she didn't. I didn't think I could deal with a Randy Savage-ish Fluttershy.

She gave a trembling nicker. A hand drifted into my vision and alighted on my hair. My eyes closed as it began to tenderly pet me. "Just a little longer, until I'm sure everything is fine?" Her tail loosened before it draped itself across both my legs. The strands tickled.

I rolled my shoulders. "Just a little longer."

There was silence and then something floated on the wind - a single, aimless song. A tune that could not recall where it came from nor where it went, a melody that stumbled and fell only to pick itself up again, a cadence that would know when it found a place to call home. It rode on a voice that was sweet, soft, and smooth - like buttermilk drizzled on velvet.

I stayed like that for a while. Fluttershy never let go of my hand. I wondered... did she plan to take it home with her? Ponies were so weird... even when they were heartbreakingly cute.

In the end, I did have to clean my clothes of unsavory matter.

Fluttershy was suitably mortified.

“You didn’t, um, have to walk me home.”

“Needed the exercise. Besides, I can least give you a somewhat satisfactory end to your first date.”

Fluttershy squeezed my hand. “I enjoyed it. It was… it was very nice.” She scrunched up her muzzle. “I’m sorry I slept for so long. I’m afraid I was a bit sleepier than I thought.”

From what? Waking up, doing her chores, running her daily rounds, and making me lunch? Who could possibly be tired after that?

“S’no problem.”

She nodded softly. Already I could see her fairytale cottage appear in the distance. Only a few more minutes and our date would soon be over. It was too bad, I really did… sort of… enjoy it.

Look, I wasn’t going to get mushy; I’d done enough of that shit with the hand-feeding and the lap pillow. I didn’t care how many more cute stares I got from the pegasus, I was going to be a Man! And Men(!) did not get all doe-eyed and gooey over cute little ponies who were perfect for snuggling and made the most darling noises when they slept!

…shut up.

We covered the distance to Fluttershy’s house in a not-at-all-distressingly short amount of time and soon found ourselves standing in front of her door. Neither of us said anything, but I could feel Fluttershy rubbing her fingers over my own as she tried to gather herself up to say something.

“Umm, mis- Nemo? I, um…” She faltered. I just watched her. “Um, I, I mean, that is, if I could…” Her grip strengthened, her shoulders shot together, her face tightened up, and she blurted it all out in one go. “Could we do this again I really had fun and want to see you again!”

This time, I didn’t even have to consider it. Pinkie kinda killed any hesitations I may have had, and until each date was over and done with, I wasn’t going to consider the possible ramifications that on the off chance this was just some long, convoluted machination to lull me into a false sense of security, murder me, stuff me, and then exhibit my taxidermized form in the Natural Science Museum

...Okay, I had watched way too many of those horror films. They were giving me ideas.

My lips curled up at the corners. “I’d love to, Flutters.”

It was like Celestia had raised the sun. Fluttershy bit her lip, the image coquettish and darling. “Yay.”

She suddenly snatched her hand away from me, fiddling with her fingers. “Um, I… I guess that I’ll… see you again later?” Her tone made it sound like she was proposing a Pinkie Promise.

“Sure, Flutters. See ya later.”

“Oh, okay.”

I turned to leave but stopped when she murmured my name. I was about to look back when something infinitely precious, tender, and sweet pressed up against the corner of my mouth. I could see a flash of yellow and pink, taste the delicate flavor of strawberries, and feel warmth and moisture sink into me. For a second, time stood still and all I knew was that sensation.

Then the sound of the front door slamming shut ended it and I was left alone. I carefully put a finger to the spot where Fluttershy kissed me and brought it back. The tip shimmered with glaze.

I shivered. That was… different. Different… but much too pleasant for me not to want to have it happen again.

Fuck, what were these mares doing to me? I wasn’t going to survive the week!

“Lad, if they have plotted for you what I think they do, I don’t think you’ll want to survive.”

I held back the very manly, high-pitched scream that threatened to tear its way from my throat and brought myself back to the present.

The very… silly and stupid and altogether random present.

“…Hey, Patches, how ya doing?”

The mishmash of animal parts known as Discord floated in front of me. He was upside down, walking on air so that his face was on eye level with mine, just in reverse. His eagle talon was stroking his curly beard, his red-and-yellow eyes narrowed in a mixture of mean-spirited joshing and good-natured ribbing.

Look, I don’t know how that worked either but I’d learned very quickly in my thankfully few dealings with the draconequss to never assume anything, to keep calm and carry on, and to hope to whatever god(s) there was that Discord didn’t take a vetted interest in me.

Then I recalled I’d just taken his defacto friendship warden and host ‘family’ on a date and just as quickly came to the startling conclusion I was doomed.

“Oh, you know. The norm.” He rubbed the knuckles of his lion paw on his chest, somehow polishing his fur to an illustrious shine that made me squint. “Wandering around, injecting a little chaos wherever it’s needed, making sure certain ponies that shall not be named pop their snouts out of their own plots periodically.” His single snaggletooth caught the sun like a beacon. “Spying on a couple of lovebirds.”

I frowned. “Really hope Flutters doesn’t catch wind of your voyeuristic habits. That’s not a very nice thing to do.”

Discord laughed, a rich baritone echoing in the air. “Ah, monkey, you amuse me so. Why don’t we ever hang out more, you and I?”

“Because I’m not suicidal?”

“You wound me. I’m harmless! In fact, I’m more a danger to myself. Why, if my head wasn’t attached to my shoulders, I’d be dropping it everywhere I went!”

With a comical sound, Discord’s head popped off his body and into my hands. He gave an exaggerated wink at my nonplussed expression. I simply tossed it back into the air, where it lolled about like a half-filled helium balloon. His left horn was even partially deflated. I groaned. Discord’s head and body shrugged at each other, as if to say, ‘what can you do?’ His head then orbited around me before stopping to rest on my shoulder, and I resisted the urge to shiver at the disturbing sight.

“But really, let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?” He unrolled his tongue from his mouth, revealing a couple of said items before spitting them out. “I’m here as a favor to the young Miss Sparkle.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re doing a favor for her?” The same pony that F.O.C.’ed (Friendship Orbital Cannon) him back into a stone statute?

He grinned lasciviously. “Oh, you know the deal – I scratch her back, she lets me get away with a couple innocent errands I haven’t gotten around to without getting that nosy nag Celestia involved.”

Okay, seriously, what the fuck was Twilight planning to do to me? Now she was recruiting someone she made an adamant point of avoiding? The same one who had a personal vendetta against her beloved mentor?

…Oh fuck, she was going to murder me after this was all over, wasn’t she? It was like giving a death row inmate their last meal, only the meal consisted of pretty ponies.

I ignored how Discord seemed to grow jollier at my impending freakout. “Anyway!” he stated. “I’ve come to deliver this to you at the completion of your date with my dear friend Fluttershy!” He snapped his claws and, with a poof of fudge-scented pink clouds, another scroll with Twilight’s insignia bopped off my head.

Discord slapped his hands together, picked his head up, and then slammed dunked it through a basketball hoop onto his shoulders. Unfortunately, he’d put it on backwards, so he placed both hands on either side and gave it a spun. With a snap, his head was back in the right place and position.

“Well, then! My job is done, and it’s time I bid you adieu! I’ve got some of myself to spread!” His feet started to walk off without him when he held up a finger. “Oh, one more quick thing.” The brown hoof and green talon faced each other and then sat down impatiently for the rest of him to hurry up. Discord grinned and snapped his claws again.

Suddenly he was behind me, his ‘hands’ on my shoulders and his sibilant voice hissing into my ear.

“If you make her cry, I’ll turn the outdoors into your insides and your outsides into the indoors.”

Feeling a bit suicidal, I said calmly, “Don’t you mean switch my insides with my outsides?”

I could hear his lips cracking open and teeth grinding as his grin took over. “Where’s the fun in that? It’s just a basic flip. No, I think shading your skin a nice art deco style and making your right kidney a poison sumac would be fabulous. You seem more a winter anyway.”

“Uh-huh.” Well, I was used to threats. Getting them from a deity of chaos and strife was a new one but once you heard some of them, you’d pretty much heard all of them.

He slapped me on the back. I turned to face him to at least try and get a moment’s warning when he saluted me. “Well, then, TTFN, ta-ta for now!” And with another rich bout of laughter, he sprung off his tail and rocketed into the air, turning into a twinkle in the sky.

…Welp, now that that brand of psychosis was over, it was time to read Twilight’s new letter. I broke the seal and unfurled it.

There were some random scribblings and crossed out text in the first part this time, but soon enough the letter started in proper form.

“Once again, congratulations on the successful fulfillment of your date! Fluttershy was very nervous about it, even more so than she commonly is, but I’m certain you rose to the occasion and showed her that there was nothing to worry about. Was the food good? She probably doesn’t want you to know, but Fluttershy really put her heart into making it for you. She even went to Pinkie and Applejack for tips!

Anyway, there will be a short interlude until your next date. I am unfortunately still unavailable but can let you know that it will not be until tomorrow evening. This should give you time to relax and finish any work you may have piling up. Though I doubt you have anything I don’t know about since I’m the one that writes up your schedule, you slacker. Till I write again!

Sincerely (Again),
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic and Friendship
xOxOxO”

My eyes were drawn down to something scribbled in the bottom-right corner. It didn’t look like Twilight’s handwriting – too sloppy and all over the place.

“PS. This scroll will self-destruct at the completion of Explosive Runes.”

The scroll exploded into a mix of confetti, green slime, and feathers, splattering me from head to toe. Discord’s distant laughter rolled over the horizon. I drew my hand down my face and swiped off the mess. Of course.

Looks like I needed a shower. After that, I was going to get some booze. And after that Iwas going to see what a certain young drake knew about a certain purple princess’s evil dealings for me.

The squelching of my boots on the ground followed me all the way home.

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

And there goes the Fluttershy chapter. Kudos to those predicted correctly; have a virtual cookie. I loved writing Fluttershy; she's such a shy cutie. It was fun having her act all cuddly around Anon, especially when he was freaking out over it. He really should've expected better, but eh, that's what makes it so enjoyable to write his exaggerated reactions (or his stoic ones when he should be freaking out). Also, Discord was great to write as overprotective while still being a furry Q.

This was the chapter that I realized more about my writing style. Compared to other fics, it's much more simplistic than I thought, with a lot more emphasis on repeated actions to draw a better picture. I don't know; is it okay or is too basic? Does it get too 'samey' after a while? Should I put more variety into the narration? Give me a holler on that.

Till next time; criticism appreciated!

Know Your Herdmates

"It might seem like common sense, but one part to being in a successful herd is knowing whom your herdmates are. What are their likes and dislikes? Their dreams and fears? Their ambitions and their failings? The more you know about them, the easier it is to form a connection. Love and friendship do not exist in a vacuum, and you can’t hope to keep either of them flourishing if you do not try to understand one another. Take the time to get to know your special someponies, even if you’re not sure how to at first."

Equestria was a weird place, and yet somehow Ponyville was even weirder. Where else could you find a giant tree in the middle of town that didn't act as a landmark but instead as just another place of business? With hours and everything.

It still amazed me every time that I saw it - a building carved out of a still living tree. I'd heard about that kind of architecture back home, except the tree was already dead and partially cured when the foundation was laid or was petrified or had only a small part cut out of it. But this, this had windows crafted out of the knots; floors, walls, and ceilings smoothed to excess and yet still natural-looking; and the leaves and flowers still bloomed, grew, and fell with the seasons. It was a marvel of structural engineering and whatever magic this crazy world had.

And then I remembered that they had built a library into the tree and wondered if ponies were secretly super sociopathic sadists. They hollowed out a tree to hold items constructed from its dead and processed brethren; even I had to admit that was a bit twisted.

Then again, they also had killer wolves made out of twigs and bark, so perhaps it was a twisted relationship to begin with. Eh, what did I care? I had a baby dragon to interrogate.

...Man, I never expected to say those words with any form of seriousness or sincerity.

While the whole ‘practice date’ scenario had been enjoyable so far, there were still too many unanswered questions about it. For one, Pinkie’s and Fluttershy’s behavior had definitely been a bit out of the norm. Even if Pinkie was completely shameless when it came to teasing me, her advances had been much more aggressive than I was accustomed to. Though I know she liked to have a good time, trying to swallow my tongue on the first date was a bit much.

And forget about Fluttershy. Until yesterday, I was completely convinced the fluttery pegasus would explode at even the hint of romantic or sexual undertones. And then she had to shatter that conviction when she sucked that strawberry out of my hand like it’d been a long-gone lover.

I had strange, unwanted dreams last night. And there was way too much fur and pink and yellow involved for my liking.

With Twilight apparently running the whole shebang, I wasn’t going to give up any chances of finding out what the hell was going on. It was awfully convenient for her to go missing just when I wanted to start asking questions, but if she was planning something, that was the best tactic to take.

The mare couldn’t lie (convincingly and without a whole lot of sweating and twitching) to save her life. The one time she tried to distract me so that Pinkie could throw me a birthday party (how the fuck they discovered the date in the first place was a mystery I didn’t want solved) made me wonder if she’d spontaneously developed every nervous tic possible, especially when she would jump in front of me and grab my face with a panicked shout every time her friends walked into view with some party amenities.

The fact that I kept asking her if this was some weird pony courtship ritual only made her more frenzied and spastic.

So if I couldn’t strike at the source of the problem, I’d settle for the one person that she couldn’t avoid and often unloaded her secrets on – her much put-upon adoptive brother, Spike.

I didn’t expect the young drake to know everything but Spike often knew a lot more than most people gave him credit for. This was the same dragon that somehow had a thriving social network amongst the higher echelons of pony society despite still spending most of his downtime rifling through old comic books. I suppose his dragonfire communications was useful for more than just being Twilight’s glorified personal mailman.

I opened the front door to Golden Oaks Library, calling out. “Hey, anyone here?”

“One sec!” a young male voice responded from the back. I heard some grunts. “Just gotta get some stuff from the reserve stacks!”

Some time passed until I saw a roving pile of books pop up from behind one of the many bookshelves that lined the main room. Another thing that always got me about the library was how it was so much bigger on the inside than what it looked like from the outside. Nothing too ridiculous, but you could fit a swarm of ponies in here and it would barely be a drop in the bucket. I just chalked it up to more magic shenanigans before my brain started hurting again.

It wasn’t long when the animated book collection cleared a row of shelves and made its way towards me. I could just make out a pair of short, stumpy legs underneath the books. I backed out of the way so they could get past.

Just as the pile got to me, a reptilian head popped out from behind it. Emerald slitted eyes blinked and a lazy smile etched its way onto their owner’s face. “Oh, hey bro, whatcha doing here?” He dumped the books in a puff of settled dust and clapped his hands clean. “Came to see Twilight? Sorry, but she’s not in right now and she didn’t say when she’d be back.”

I shook my head. “Nah, here to see you actually.”

His brows raised, and he stepped aside into full view. “Really? What about?”

About the size of a small child, Spike looked more like an overgrown gecko than a fierce devourer of knights and kidnapper of fair princesses. His purple scales and green frill gave him an exotic look (though he still blended in with the ponies’ color palettes), and his stubby claws and talons gave more a sense of childish innocence than rip-and-tear. Even his sharp, pointed teeth weren’t nearly as fear-inducing as they should’ve been considering they were usually sicced on ice cream and cupcakes more than quivering flesh. Plus, the fact that he was a little chubby and still had plenty of baby fat in his cheeks only enhanced the whole ‘little brother’ aspect of him.

In short, Spike was the perfect kind of child to tease, and boy did the girls tend to take advantage of that. Luckily for him, I wasn’t so craven to treat the drake with so little respect.

I just poked fun at him till he breathed fire at me.

It was interesting to note that even with looking like he belonged in early elementary (or well, the draconic version of it), Spike wasn’t even a decade younger than me. Despite being a full-grown male in human years, he still had the mindset of a child. Probably had to do with the long lifespan of dragons. Twilight had mentioned that while their intelligence grew at a normal rate, their physical and emotional maturity was much slower. So you ended up with the equivalent of a five-year-old able to mentally solve complicated quantum physics equations.

Shit, if every teenager was a veritable MacGyver back home the human race wouldn’t have lasted past the discovery of nuclear fusion, if they ever made it past basic gunpowder.

And forget fucking Greek fire.

Though if the stories the others had told me about teenaged and young adult dragons were any indications, perhaps it was good that dragons were also well-known for not wanting to put their grand accumulation of knowledge to any use outside of their own lazy, selfish means. I did not want to think about rockheaded teenage drakes who went lava diving to prove masculine superiority trying to divine eldritch magics that could warp reality.

I dealt enough with that with the ponies.

Still, even with all that, Spike was one of the closest approximations to a guy friend I had in this mare-dense town. Even after all the estrogen poisoning Twilight and the others put him through, Spike still managed to be as disgusting a belching, junk-food-stuffing dude could be. If the kid wore clothes, Twilight’d be picking up dirty underwear for weeks.

Somehow, I’d ended up a big brother figure for him. I wasn’t sure how given that I was as far from what a proper role model should be, but he still tended to stick like glue whenever I dropped by and Twilight was in one of her moods. Guess he was just as starved for male companionship as I was.

And I was to going to exploit that thirst as much as possible.

Prepping for my evil, slimy invasion of his privacy and trust, I said, “Just wanted to ask I some questions.”

He shrugged. “No problem. Mind if I work while you ask? Twilight wanted me to rotate some of the books here; pull the ones that weren’t taken out as much and try some new ones.”

“No problem.” I pulled a tome from the top of the pile and read the cover - ‘Equestria Agriculture Explained: A Detailed Examination of Our Nation’s History Through a Sociopolitical Lens of the Farmer’s Almanac.’

…Riveting.

I flung the book back on top of the pile to see Spike climb up one of the slide ladders, balancing a small stack of books on his head. He was near the top shelf of the bookcase, a good couple meters off the floor. I knew he did this kind of work daily, but just looking at him made me nervous.

“You want any help there?”

“Nah, I can handle this on my own. Wouldn’t be able to call myself ‘Twilight’s Best Assistant’ if I didn’t. Besides, I can- whoops!” Spike’s hands scrambled when his talons slipped on one of the ladder’s rungs. His head tilted backwards and he grabbed at the books perched on top a moment too late.

I caught one of the two books that went tumbling off his head before it hit the floor, nimbly avoiding the other that almost smacked me in the face. I scooped the other book off the ground and handed them back to an awkwardly grinning Spike. He scratched the back of his head. “Eheh, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“So…” He grunted, lifting himself higher to slot in one book. He kicked off the bookshelf to send the ladder sliding down with him on it. “What did you wanna ask me?”

“Just some questions about Sparky.”

He grumbled as he struggled to shove a particularly hefty volume in. “Like what?”

“You know where she went for one?”

“Sorry, didn’t tell me,” he said. “Mentioned it had something to do with friendship research and hasn’t been back since the day before yesterday. Happened just after you left, too.”

“And she didn’t say anything else?”

“Nope, not a thing.” He rolled the ladder back and hopped down, grabbing some more books.

“Really?” I asked suspiciously.

Spike froze momentarily at the tone of my voice. He turned around and stopped when he discovered me was standing right behind him, arms crossed and face expressionless. He laughed nervously, turning back around to dig in the pile. “Yeah! Really! She just said it was something private and left it at that.”

“She didn’t tell you anything? You, her number-one assistant and best little brother?”

He didn’t bite at my flattery and half-hidden taunt. Brushing past me with another armful of books, he said, “Nem, just because I’ve known her since I was hatched doesn’t mean she tells me everything. You know Twilight’s pretty big about keeping things to herself sometimes.”

“Uh-huh,” I mentioned skeptically. Spike wasn’t wrong on that point, but I could tell that he was hiding more than he let on. I figured it was time to add more fuel to the fire. “So there’s nothing you can tell me about this whole dating scheme she has cooked up.”

Spike’s head perked up. He faced me with a happy smile. “She’s finally got you dating? That’s great!”

So he didn’t actually know? His smile was too heartfelt to be any kind of artifice. Damn it, Spike was just too good a kid. I almost felt bad for taking advantage of him like this. Almost.

“Yup, said it’d be good for my social maturity or some nonsense.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s a cool idea.” He waddled up to me and poked me in the stomach. “You need to get some more friends and stuff, bro. I can’t be the only one who hangs out with you when you’re bored. You’re gonna cramp my style.”

I quirked an eyebrow and my lips. “Oh, so I’m just a nuisance to you? Little Spikey Wikey too good for the big, dumb ol’ human?”

Spike waved his hands in front of his face frantically, his tone worried as he backtracked. “No, no, that’s not what I meant! I mean, just because you don’t have many friends, you don’t have to always have to spend time with me! …I, I mean-!” His speech became quicker and without breath at my deteriorating expression. “That is, I’m pretty childish for the stuff I like, though I don’t mean liking comics is childish, but I don’t- Look, I enjoy hanging out with you, honest!”

I chuckled and fondly rubbed his head. “I’m just fucking with ya, Spike. Trust me, I know hanging out with an old dude like me isn’t all that fun.”

He relaxed when he noticed I was playing with him. Spike knocked my hand off his head, cocking it to the side. He snorted and blew a plume of smoke at me, causing me to cough and wave it away. “Don’t call me Spikey Wikey, only Rarity can do that. Besides, you’re not that much older than Twilight. Rarity’s older than you.”

Not a second after saying that, he gasped and put his hands to his mouth at the realization that he’d inadvertently insulted his crush. Least the kid was smart enough to recognize one of the greatest dangers of females – never bring their age up when comparing anything… ever. Spike gave me a despondent stare, which was only enhanced by his chubby childish appearance. I rolled my shoulders.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Rare anything. Promise between men.” I held out a fist.

Spike sighed in relief and bumped fists with me, his scales dragging a bit on my skin. “Thanks, bro.” Looking like he’d dodged a bullet, he stumbled over to the bookpile to continue his task. Mumbling over the stack that went past his face, he walked on with me following after. “So, where you going to look for a date? That bar you’re always hanging at?”

“Nah, Sparky’s actually setting the dates up herself. Said it would be better for me if I went out with people I knew more intimately.”

He paused and stared at me, a bewildered look on his face. “Twilight’s setting your dates up? With who?”

“Her and the other elements.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Spike nodded his head until the gears clicked into place. Then his neck stopped mid-swing with a sickening crack. His eyes widened comically and mouth dropped down enough that I could see all the way to the back row of his teeth (nice bunch of chompers). He dropped the books with a muffled thump and a strangled cry of, “What?”

Then he gave a delayed high-pitched yelp of pain and hopped around on one foot due to having the other crushed by the book avalanche he’d set upon his poor digits.

He bounced around on his uninjured foot for a bit, stringing a very colorful array of curses from several different languages (I really hoped Twilight never heard them or else the young drake’d be cleaning his mouth out with soap for the rest of his very long-lived days). Finally, he collapsed on his butt, massaging the somewhat swollen claws. Spike hissed but managed to tear his attention away from his sorely abused talons to me.

“You’re dating Twi and her friends?” His expression said that he didn’t quite believe me.

I shared the sentiment. Had Pinkie and Fluttershy not beaten the reality into me otherwise, I never would’ve believed such a happening could occur.

“Sparky called them ‘practice dates.'” I made air quotes at the phrase, my sardonic expression and tone explaining more than my words ever could. “With an emphasis on ‘practice,’ but yeah, that’s pretty much what’s going on.”

A multitude of emotions flashed across the diminutive dragon’s face. He folded his arms and muttered to himself, “So that’s why she’s been locked up in her room lately…”

My ears perked up at the clue. I squatted down in front of Spike so that I was more eye-level with him, arms dangled over my knees. “What was that about Sparky being extra crazy?”

He jumped and alarm settled in his eyes. “What do you mean? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” He sprung to his feet, his injury miraculously forgotten, and swept the fallen books back up. “I have to get back to work!”

“Spike, what aren’t you-“

“No time! I have to hurry if I want to get all my chores done before Twilight gets back! I’ve got a half-gallon of Rocky Road riding on it!” He scurried away, immersing himself in his work and not paying me a lick of attention.

I wasn’t going to let him divert me that easily. Oh no, if he wanted to play hardball, I was going to do what I was best at – cheat my balls off.

I was extra glad I had the foresight to stop by at Sugarcube Corner before coming here. I didn’t want to give Spike the chance to recuperate and prepare a defense against my interrogation. Smart as the dragon was, he was still just a child of his race. And children - no matter whether they were human, animal, fire-breathing monster, or cutie pony - all shared the same vulnerability to bribes.

Luckily for me (or maybe unluckily because I honestly weren’t sure how to feel about her at the moment), Pinkie wasn’t working the register when I stopped by the bakery so I managed to get my illicit goods without tipping the pink mare off. I was certain that if she had any idea what I was planning, her insane yet undeniable Pinkie Sense would be going off like I’d set the store on fire.

Figuratively, not literally like that other time.

I opened up my messenger bag (an article that had proved to be invaluable to my trips through town) and pulled out a fancily labeled bag from inside. I snapped the bag open with an exaggerated crack and pulled out my secret weapon.

“Hey, Spike, you have breakfast yet?”

“Yeah,” he exclaimed, leaning off to the side of the ladder to fit another book in. “I figured to get some grub in beforehand because this is going to take a while. Why? You want to grab something la…” He trailed off as he turned towards me, his face going slack and a bit of drool beginning to run from the corner of his mouth. “Is… is that…?”

In my hand was a cupcake the size of my fist. It was fairly heavy even for something of its size, indicating there was much more to it than just basic batter. The top was laced with a bright azure blue and alabaster white swirl of frosting, adding even more height to the already decadent treat. Sprinkled liberally over the frosting were crushed pieces of sapphires and diamonds, light reflecting off the cupcake like the world’s most expensive disco ball.

Buying the gourmet cupcake had set me back a beautiful bit since it had literal precious stones as part of the recipe, but I couldn’t get the job done without a little sacrifice. Besides, it was still a lot less expensive than it would’ve been back home if anyone was stupid or crazy enough to try and bake something like it. Really, the economy of this world was insane if jewelry could be considered just slightly more exotic foodstuff.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” I said in mild disappointment, my face the picture-perfect sight of good-natured innocence. “I was kinda hoping to surprise you, but if you’re not hungry I guess I’ll just have to finish this on my own.”

With a rough slurp, Spike wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He stiffened as he realized he was drooling in front of me. He spun around and tried to focus his attention back on his task, but I could see his tail twitching in subdued excitement. “O-oh? T-that’s too bad. I mean, I guess I could take that off your hands if it’s that much of a bother.” His tail waggled a bit more.

I allowed a bit of a smirk to slip out. “No, no, I don’t want to ruin your stomach or spoil your appetite. Twilight would kill me if I gave her little brother a tummy ache when she wasn’t here.”

“Well… What Twi doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?” Spike nodded his head in agreement of his impeccable logic. “I’m sure that we can just keep this between us… r-right?”

“Sure…” My word almost came out like a hiss. Anyone who spoke Parseltongue would be jealous. “As long as she doesn’t find out…”

Spike twitched, snapped to face me, saw my wicked smile, and shot out an accusatory finger. “You’re just trying to bribe me, aren’t you?”

“Yup,” was my honest and concise response.

His eyes darted between me and the cupcake. Spike swallowed. Settling on his answer, his shoulders stiffened even as his eyes drowned in despair. “D-don’t think that I’d sell Twilight out like that for a cupcake! I’m her number one assistant, after all! It’d be totally wrong of me and I know you wouldn’t think something so underhanded would work!”

“Oh, Spike, I know you wouldn’t betray your beloved sister for just a cupcake.” Snapping the trap shut, I pulled out another cupcake from the bag, this one a deep crimson red and lightning yellow with rubies and topazes mixed in. “That’s why I brought two. So, which do you prefer?” I held up the blue one. “EternalSea Crunch?” Then the red. “Or FireValley Crackle?”

A war raged in Spike’s eyes and on his face. A deep, unending war that would have no victors, only a slow, languishing death for any who survived. They clashed within his soul, tearing his heart to shreds and crawling up through the abyss that bogged down his mind. What would win out – his love for Twilight or his craving for sweets?

It was never a contest.

“Both, and I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

“You get one now and one after.”

“Deal! Now give us our precious Crunch!”

I tossed the blue cupcake at him, and he tore into it like the hounds of hell. Tears streamed down his cheeks, though from the awareness of his betrayal or the deliciousness of his ill-gotten goods I didn’t know. Soon it was all over, the baby dragon lying on his back. Frosting was smeared all over his face. Piteous moans emanated from him while he patted his distended and swollen belly. Crumbs and gems were scattered around his form like a rich man’s murder victim outline.

“I… I’m so sorry, Twilight,” he bemoaned. He licked the tips of his claws for any stray leftovers. “But it was so good.”

“All right there, Judas, up we go,” I grunted as I scooped the baby drake up to his feet. I patted off any crumbs still on him and glanced at the mess he left. He closed his eyes in disgruntlement while I wiped his cheeks clean. “You really need to work on your gorging habits. You’re starting to resemble Pinkie.”

“I knew Twilight was onto something when she said you were becoming a bad influence.”

“Hey, I’m an awesome influence. It’s not my fault you silly ponies and other furries have different views on the morality spectrum.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He waved my hand away. His annoyance may have been more effective had there not still been frosting smears on his cheeks and crumbs on his lips. Unfortunately, he just looked like a petulant child who’d been caught with one hand in the cookie jar and the other shoved in his mouth. Quite apropos to the situation, actually.

I smirked and rubbed his head again. He just resigned himself to his fate and let me. When I was satisfied, I slipped back into serious mode. “So? What was that about Sparky locking herself up?”

Spike sighed. “For the last few weeks or so, Twilight’s been holing up in her room on some new research binge. I didn’t really know what it was about at first, but after you told me about the whole dating thing, I think I have a better idea.” At my expectant gaze, he continued grudgingly. “When I was busy cleaning her room, I noticed all these weird and creepy charts stashed all over the place. Most of them had all these complicated calculations.”

“On what?”

“Love, I think.” He shrugged at my flat eyes. “Look, it’s kind of hard to really understand anything about it when she’s applying the gravitational behaviors and constants of celestial objects to romance and physical attraction via the chemical and hormonal imbalances focused in the frontal lobe. Tartarus, and she says my comics strain suspension of disbelief.”

“And this didn’t set off any alarms to you?”

“This is the same mare that nearly destroyed the town when she missed writing a letter to the princess,” Spike drawled. “I love Twilight but I’ve given up on expecting her to be rational whenever she gets her mind stuck on something.”

Yeah, I’d only known Twilight for a little over a year and I’d already come to the same conclusion. Spike had known her all his life, so if he was stating it to be true, I had little reason not to believe him. Still didn’t leave me with much to work with.

“And the other elements?”

“They’d visit her occasionally and go hide in her room.” He leaned forward conspiratorially, putting a hand to his mouth. I squatted so that he could whisper into my ear. “There was a lot of giggling but other than that, not much else. It was pretty creepy whispering, though.”

And yup, they were all planning something. Great. Maybe I’d have a better chance with those letters Twilight kept sending me. If they were being sent via dragonfire, there was no way Spike wouldn’t know about them.

“Say, Spike.”

“Hmm?”

“Has Twilight been having me deliver letters to me?”

“Oh, yeah,” he exclaimed, minorly surprised. “I almost forgot about those. Yeah, she’s been having me send you letters at fixed intervals.”

My lips drew into a thin line. “Wait, so they’re already written up? She’s just been having me send them?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a big pile of them numbered so that I can send them in order whenever I get a notice from her. Why? Is something wrong with them? Did she write something bad?”

Oh gods, just how neurotic was the purple princess? She actually wrote out all of the letters ahead of time? Wait, so that meant she knew exactly in which order I was going to date her and the girls? Hadn’t she said this had just come up? And she’d been working on it for the last few weeks if what Spike said was correct?

I’d be flattered at the sheer amount of effort put into this endeavor if it didn’t also reek of crazy. I really did not need a yandere that could rip my colon out through my nose without even touching me (magic resistance be damned) riding my ass.

Okay, okay, just cool it. Twilight was a bit nuts, but she wasn’t that kind of nuts. She was just the right amount of crazy that made her awesome to hang around (when she wasn’t in mid-obsessive twitch) and probably killer in the sa-

Okay! Do not be thinking dirty thoughts around the girl’s younger brother! The poor kid probably needed enough therapy as it was. He didn’t need me sparking a Shining trauma in his young, developing mind. He got enough of that to a lesser extent whenever I was on a bender and needed an accomplice and/or alibi for my nefarious deeds.

Despite his size, Spike made an excellent cow tipper. It was even better when the victim could speak understandable words and thus were that much more hilarious to listen to curse about us inbred clopsuckers.

Also, Daisy had quite the mouth on her despite her normally genteel manner.

“Did you ever, maybe, take a peek at some of the letters?”

Spike gave me a look that almost made me ashamed and embarrassed to even insinuate such an inane request.

“I might’ve been a little curious, but I’m not stupid. She probably has a dozen wards cast all over those things!”

Which didn’t stop Discord from altering one but I saw his point. There was a reason that ever since Twilight took over administration for the library, late returns and damaged items had suffered a deadfall in occurrences. No one messed with that mare and her books.

Finding my one trail come to a quick and inconclusive end, I hung my head in sad resignation. Spike obviously didn’t know much more that what I did, so there was no point in badgering the poor kid any longer.

I pulled the other cupcake out and handed it to him. Spike squealed and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. Watching the amazing yet nauseating sight, I muttered rhetorically, “So, how doomed am I?”

Spike blinked, chewed a few times, and swallowed. The few parts on his face that I had managed to clean were splashed with the confectionary again. He licked his lips and gave me a confused, inquisitive look. “Nem, I don’t know why you’re so sad about this. You get to date again!”

“…You’re being pretty chill about all this even though if it goes as I expect, I’m gonna be taking your big sis on a date.” I pushed the point even further. “Rarity, too.”

Spike froze for a moment. I smiled grimly. The dragon’s crush on the eloquent and elegant mare was the town’s best kept public secret. The few times he’d wrangled my help to woo the mare would forever be stuck in my memories, if only for how absurdly they backfired. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You sure you’re not just gonna eat me?”

He pursed his lips and then shook his head. “Nah, I wouldn’t do that. Rarity’s her own mare, and I wouldn’t be much of a gentlestallion if I scared away anypony that tried to date her.” Spike seemed to droop down before he drew himself up. “I’m a big guy! I can handle myself. Besides…” He laughed, a flustered blush rising, and dug his talons into the floor. “I, um, might be, um, noticing somepony else?”

It took a few seconds for his words to register, but when they did I grinned and gave him an older-sibling-esque jab to his ribs with my elbow. “Oho? So those rumors about you dancing with a musically-inclined filly at that royal wedding a while back had some merit to them?”

“Eheheh… maybe…?”

Aww… good for Spike. He was moving along from his puppy (wyrmling?; what was the child version of dragon?) love to something else. Of course, this only supplied me with more evidence to torture him with later, but for now, I’d just congratulate the kid.

“Good for you! You’re definitely doing a lot better than me in that arena. Sparky had to threaten me to even consider this whole thing.”

“Yeah… She does get a little too fixated on things sometimes.” His expression suddenly turned solemn. He poked me in the chest with a claw, puffs of smoke lolling out of his nostrils. “But I do want you to know, if you hurt Twilight or Rarity, I will mildly roast you.” Spike tried to snort a few flames out but instead only managed to make himself fall into a coughing fit, a few spurts of fire puttering out with each hack.

I slapped the drake on his back as a soothing gesture until he regained his nerve and senses. When he did, he offered, “Look, if it’ll make you feel better, do you want me to send a letter to the princess? Ever since the ‘want-me-doll’ incident, I’ve been sending her reports as a backup plan. She likes to keep on an eye on Twilight in case she ever has one of her breakdowns again.”

The chance to have a solar goddess in my corner in case my darker assumptions were correct and Twilight indeed intended to murder and dump me in the Everfree to get rid of the evidence? Sold! Sure, Celestia was Twilight’s greatest role-model and as close to a foster-parent as anyone could get, but she also had a good grasp on what her student was capable of and would at least make sure I had a proper burial and all.

I didn’t need the twenty-one-gun salute but like hell was my wake going to be without an open bar!

Agreeing to his generous proposal, I sat down as he collected a roll of parchment and quill and then gestured for me to dictate.

“Dear Milady Sunbutt,” I started off. Spike shot me an exasperated look but continued after being answered by an unconcerned grin. “Itsa me, your favorite interdimensional alien! Look, I know you’re busy and all running a country but put down the cake for one sec and listen.” I heard the scratching of Spike’s quill stop, hesitate, and then start up again. My grin deepened. “Your favorite student has gotten it into her head that I need to start dating while I’m stuck here and has decided to sacrifice herself and the other elements to appease my perverse lust.”

“Oh, come on, Nemo!”

“Ah, ah, ah! Dictate now, whine later!”

“I’ll whine you, you lickety…” Spike grumbled as he was forced to transcribe my deranged exchange.

“However, I think they might not be acting as selfless as I would assume. I mean, they’re them and I’m me. This can’t be pleasant for any of them, and I’m, well, I’m exactly who you think I am. Spike, stop giving me that sad look or I’ll convince Twilight you need to start eating broccoli again. And don’t write that part! …Or that part. …Or that part. …Or that, you know what-!”

A few scrabbling shoes and claws, yelling, and pinched cheeks later, I soldiered on.

“Look, I’m just giving you a heads up that there might be a couple more dead bodies in Ponyville than when you first received this letter. Luckily for you, one of them is definitely going to be a foreign creature so you won’t have to worry too much about the bad PR. Just say I was going through the last stages of my species’ life cycle and that stab, blunt force, and strangulation marks are totally normal.” I stroked my chin. “And when that happens, I do not give approval to donate my body to science. You keep my pony autopsy tools away from me.”

I nodded and finished off with a flourish. “Yours truly, Herr Royal Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen of Nummerounoville.”

“…Bro, sometimes I worry for your sanity.”

“Don’t we all, buddy.”

Spike just answered with a sigh that ignited the parchment and sent it whizzing across the ether to its destination. Satisfied with the way it’d turned out, I conversed with Spike a while longer, partly because I honestly enjoyed talking with the kid and partly because I wanted to make sure he didn't slip into a diabetic coma after devouring two literal sugar bombs. After that, I bid him goodbye and returned home.

I was both surprised and unsurprised when, as I opened my door, a rather familiar rolled-up scroll greeted me in a flash of gold and white. I grabbed it out of the air, sat down on my couch, and unfurled it.

In absolutely immaculate calligraphy, it stated –

“My Little Human,

How are you? I was very glad to receive a letter from you even though the contents do sound a bit worrisome. Should I send a request to the royal physician to check up on your mental state again? He is ever convinced that his wares will calm the voices, even if they do give you mushmuzzle. As for Twilight and the other girls, I only have one thing to say to you –

Buck up, you old goat! You are much better than you purport myself to be, and I insist that you stop demeaning the wonderful person that you are. You may be a little rough around the edges, but I know that there is an empathetic and kind soul buried beneath the dark crust you pile on your exterior. Twilight’s plan is a fine one, if perhaps a bit misguided, and I command that you enjoy yourself on these dates. Perhaps it will teach you a lesson in friendship you never knew possible.

Sincerely,
Celestia Solana, Solar Diarch of Equestria

PS. Make them cry, and I will banish you to the sun for an eon or two."

The writing then shifted into a more primal, archaic style, full of fire and brimstone that would make a Calvinist blush like a schoolgirl.

"And We shall wrack thine wretched mind with nightmares for the span of thine imprisonment!"

And then back to the motherly flow of Celestia's.

"And Lulu will drive you crazy while there, yes. Toodles!”

The scroll burst into golden and navy-blue flames, the two colors swirling around each other like oil and water, before it dissolved into glimmering motes and then nothing.

…Alrighty, so that was four threats of bodily and mental harm thus far. Not a bad count, better than anything I got back home, especially in so short a timeframe. I doubted Celestia would go as far as banish me, but this was the same mare that gave her misbehaving genocidal sibling a millennium-long time timeout, so maybe I shouldn’t put too much past her.

Still, that didn’t leave me with much to work with after all the crap I put myself through. Just more questions and very few answers. Just how further down the rabbit hole was I going to fall before I was able to pull my scrawny ass out of Wonderland?

As if to answer my question in the worst way possible, Twilight’s newest scroll combusted into existence in my face. Coughing away the dragonfire smoke, I opened it only to find a single sentence.

“Please head to Carousel Boutique at 5 PM to learn more about the parameters of your next date.”

…Well shit, Spike was going to fry me.

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

Interlude chapter go! Expect another one of these to break up the last several dates. Need something more than just date WAFF, even if I have so much fun writing it; also because the MC needs some form of depressurizing or else he'd explode

Not much to say here. Glad Spike got some face time; poor little guy always seems to be the butt-end of most jokes in the MLP-verse. In any case, see you same smut time, same smut network!

Till next time; criticism appreciated!

Be Aggressive as Needed

"Sometimes you need to be forward. Sometimes you need to take what you want. Sometimes, it’s not the nice ponies who win, but the ponies who make an effort even if it’s a bit rough and coarse. Don’t be afraid to charge ahead when pursuing your herdmates. Nopony can expect happiness to just fall into their laps. Sometimes… you have to throw caution to the winds and grab what you’re after and make sure to never let go."

I girded myself for the horror that soon awaited me. Standing in front of the sickly adorable and fanciful business known as Carousel Boutique made ,e wonder just why I was torturing myself like this. It was just so… girly and uptight and altogether haute couture. What could have possessed me to ever think this was a good idea?

Then I remembered that unless I started to go commando, I was going to need someplace to get underwear.

I tried free-balling once and it was not nearly as invigorating or breezy as my friends insisted it to be. Especially when I wore anything that was tight in the lower areas or made from rough fabric. Fuck did that shit chafe something fierce!

One thing rarely mentioned in any movies where the characters were displaced into populations of non-humans was how fashion was not exactly universal. How do you swap clothing between a normal humanoid and a multi-armed badger with legs half the size of yours?

And unfortunately for me, I’d lost a good portion of my clothes to a mysterious fire that’d had originated in my laundry room, more specifically the lint trap of my dryer, not even a few days prior to me being sent to Equestria.

I didn’t know the thing had to be cleaned out every wash! I’d always assumed it was more of a weekly- monthly- whenever the lint bunnies started rebelling and had to be massacred at the source thing!

Luckily for me, ponies more or less shared my body structure. As long as I looked for clothes in earth pony style, I was already halfway to an acceptable collection. Shirts were easy enough, and even pants were good if I got ones a couple sizes too big, strapped on a heavy-duty belt, and slapped some patches over the tail-slits (though they still itched like a mothereffer after a while). Of course, there was the slight problem that shoes seemed pretty much non-existent in this world, and unless I got into the habit of nailing metal or rubber to my feet, my current couple pairs were going to have to suffice until I got a few more made.

Curse my lily-soft, squishy, fleshy, and all-around weak-baby-man soles!

No, the real crisis for me was what I put on underneath all the other stuff. I’d taken a gander at the mass-produced drawers at the local superstore and had come to one sad, sad, not-so-surprising conclusion – the phrase ‘hung like a horse’ was just a fact of life here.

Not that I was going to attempt to compete with humanoid ponies in that department. I was pretty average myself (shut up, I totally was) but compared to the average stallion, there was just a little too much… ‘wiggle’ room in there, not to mention some weird extra strips of cotton that went up and above the waistline. What the hell was that even used for…

FUCK HORSE ANATOMY AND ALL IT ENTAILED! Never again, Wikipedia desktop! Never again would it darken my browser history with that utter bullhocky!

So yeah, I needed underwear, and my best bet was to ask this Rarity chick if she could help me out in that regard. I hadn’t had the chance to meet her yet, as she’d been out of town for about a week during my initial drop in to ponyland. Apparently, she’d been visiting this small-time fashion show in Neighlan (fuck these ponies and their horse puns) to gain some inspiration.

But now she was home, available, and brimming with ‘ideas.’ Purple pone had given me a minor warning about the fashionista’s proclivities towards high-class society, even though she had insisted that the mare was a generous and gentle pony. I knew the type – always looking to inject some culture into the cultural wasteland known as their backwater hometown. Probably had a snooty attitude towards anything lowbrow and a posh accent to match her pretentiousness. Oh, I was not looking forward to this.

Still, if it meant keeping my jubblies happy and comfortable, I could brave some bitchy bullshit.

Confident that I would survive the endeavor (if with a few new scars), I opened the door to the business and walked in. A tinkling bell announced my entrance.

“Just a minute~” a feminine voice trilled. Already, the voice fit with what I’d been told – self-assured and flighty with a mid-Atlantic accent (or ‘Canterlotian’ or whatever upper crust was in this verse).

While I waited, I examined the premises. The decor was just as over-the-top inside as it was outside (why did anyone need so many ribbons and so much satin and crushed velvet?) and screamed of overcompensation and probably histrionics. There were a lot of clothes, some finished, most in half-completed states. With my amateur eye, I couldn't tell if they were good or not, but they did seem like they were at least properly made. There were a variety of mannequins of all sizes and pony types scattered around the edges of the large showroom, some of which sported clothes with pins stuck all over them.

And then there was the most majestic fluff cat licking its paw on a raised dais and pillow in the corner. Its eyes roved over me and, deigning me not even worth the effort of a condescending sneer, went back to cleaning itself

Oh hell, I was dealing with a designer version of Blofeld, wasn't I?

As if answering my internal screams and whimpers, the voice’s owner flounced into view, decked out in the kind of airy, billowy dress that reminded me of Hollywood starlets from the 50's and 60's (and her figure honored their memory well). Okay, so at least this pone had some concept of good taste. Though that purple mane and tail was way too curled to not need gallons of hair gel to keep it so bouncy.

The alabaster white unicorn trotted daintily up to me, working into her spiel. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique. How may I help- oh.” Her eyes widened slightly as she finally recognized I wasn’t her normal sort of customer. “You must be that mysterious visitor that dear Twilight mentioned.”

“Yup,” I snarked, giving my name. “I’m the newest weirdo here.”

She frowned for a moment before sliding her smile back on. It reminded me way too much of every customer service worker I’d ever seen. What, did I put the emphasis on the wrong syllable or something? “Well, I am Rarity, owner and proprietor of this fine establishment.” Her eyes closed as she gave a polite curtsy. “Charmed to meet you.”

“Uh-huh. Look,” I said, deciding to just jump in and get it over with. “I’m sure you want some sort of song-and-dance number for introductions but I don’t really care enough. I need some clothes, and Spergle said you were the best around. So can we just get to it?”

She glanced at me, her eyes introspective and judging. I was certain I hadn’t garnered any brownie points with the unicorn, but frankly, I was currently trapped in a furry’s wet dream and I was all out of fucks to give. Another smile flashed across Rarity’s face, though this was less artificial and also less… accommodating. I didn’t like the dark twinkle in those bright blue eyes; they reminded me way too much of when Twilight had been demanding ‘samples’ from me.

“Yes, Twilight did warn me that you were lacking a certain degree of decorum and manners. Though I suppose it could be excused given your unfortunate circumstances.” She brought a hand to her chin and gave me the once over. “Besides, I can appreciate a stallion that is straightforward with his wants and desires, even if he acts like quite the rapscallion.” Her fingers snapped. “Very well! Let us get down to entrepise.”

Rarity turned on her hoof and walked over to a desk covered in binders and notepads. She pulled out a drawing pad from underneath a roll of fabric and started to sketch something on it, mumbling to herself. She flicked her gaze at me as she talked. “Here at Carousel Boutique, every work is custom-made, perfectly oriented to what the customer wants and needs. What exactly are you looking to procure?”

“Mostly everything from the waist down.”

Her eyebrow raised as she glanced over my t-shirt. “Hmm, yes, you do seem to have your upper body in working order, though I can’t say much for the taste.”

Yow, little miss fashion had claws, did she? I knew my taste in fashion wasn’t exactly well-put, but then again, this was a person/pony that seemed to live for making clothes. Eh, I could at least give her that much. “Yeah, don’t have to worry about that. Pony legs are weird, though, and you don’t even seem to have the concept of ‘feet.’”

“I assume you are referring to those apparatuses that Twilight called shoes?” she said, pointing at said apparel with her pencil. Her muzzle scrunched up in mild disgust. “Tell me, do all ‘humans’ prefer such a garish color scheme and overblow design in their wares or are you just the hopeless exception?”

“They’re sneakers,” I rebutted. “And they’re more for comfortability than look.” Well, okay, maybe marshmallow pone had a point in how tacky my sneaks were. The things looked like a rainbow had vomited on them, but hell, they were on sale and I had to choose between brand shoes and eating for the week.

“Yes, well, I’ll take your word for it. I suppose it’ll be a challenge for me to see if I can suitably create a new type of slipper for your species.” Her tone may have been dismissive but I saw her eyes studying my shows, dissecting them, her pencil a blur on the pad. Despite her words, she was overtly fascinated by them and clearly had something percolating in the back of her brain. “I’ll take some measurements later. Anything else?”

“Human needs pants badly. Underwear would be great as well.”

“I see.” She continued to draw, flipping a page over to start a new one. “I understand it might be breezy without a tail where the pants want it. Anything else? Your hips appear to be less defined than a stallion’s. Any catches? Sliding? Chafing?”

“Like you have no idea,” I muttered to myself. Involuntarily, my stance shifted as I put more weight on one leg. My movement caused her to lock on something south of the border. Her pencil stopped scratching

Rarity’s lips quirked. “Ah, of course. The one thing all stallions have to be concerned about. Tell me, is the problem too little space… or too much?” I tried to but I just couldn’t help the twitch that shot through my cheek. Her smirk deepened before I could say anything. “Too much, then.”

“…I feel like I should be insulted but then I pretty much served that to you on a silver platter. With a little bow and everything.” I flipped a little salute. “So… touché.”

Rarity tapped the pencil against her cheek. Her voice had a slight lilt and tease to it. “Ah, and a stallion that knows when he’s been bested. Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.”

“Yeah, yeah, so? Can you help me or not?”

“Of course I can help I, darling. It would be a great disservice to all fashion pioneers everywhere if I surrendered the chance to create clothes for an entirely new species. Why, I can already feel the flow of ideas springing forth from the well of inspiration!”

She giggled and suddenly I was blasted by the image of a young girl all aglee with the chance to put all the clothes on her new doll. Hopefully I wouldn’t get shoved into a dress like the last time I dealt with a clothing clerk.

I knew I had great gams but damn it, that hemline was too short!

Soon enough, the sparkling terror of obsession left Rarity’s face and she turned to pick up a binder from the desk. “Now, let us move onto the discussion of payment.” She licked a finger and flipped through the book. “I am quite willing to give you a discount seeing as anything me create for me will be the first of its kind and therefore may have some defects and kinks that will need to be worked out, but if you are to be a repeat customer then the sales shall end up quite hefty.”

I winced. For someone who always shopped from clearance and bargain bins, the idea of paying more than absolutely necessary for clothes was not a pleasant idea for me. “How bad are we talking here?” I asked, reaching for my wallet.

“Well, darling, you are asking for a full wardrobe of customized clothing. It will not be cheap, but you will be receiving the best the fashion world can offer you.” Her eyes looked at me from over the top of the binder and they narrowed into a slight cant. “Much like their maker.”

I ignored her taunt at the realization that I had forgotten to take something into consideration. Something very important, something that I really should have thought about before I even approached the designer in the first place.

The fuck was I supposed to pay for this?

No, seriously, I had maybe forty bucks in cash on me, and I was pretty certain that US dollars wasn’t a viable form of currency in ponyland. The cheap-ass pants I’d gotten for testing was due to the very small collection of bits Twilight had pity-given me, and those were already pretty much depleted.

I didn’t have a job, so how was I going to buy all these new clothes? Shit did I need to start using my brain for things that were relevant for more than short-term survival mechanisms.

Rarity noticed my frozen expression and posture and came the same conclusion far sooner than I (depressingly belatedly) did. “You don’t have the bits to pay for this, do you?”

“…I don’t suppose you work on credit?”

She shook her head, her eyes pitying. “I may be the element of generosity, but I still have a business to run. I cannot waste time and money on a venture that will not bring me dividends in some manner. And with how you’ve explained it, it will be quite the expenditure for me. It is a pity, but I will have to put your orders on hold until you have the wages to pay me.”

Ah fuck, I knew I was going to be a charity case but then again I never really considered just how it may affect the ponies I was mooching off either. Course they had their own bills and shit to pay. Hell, I was lucky that pink pone had wasted so many ingredients to bake that welcome cake for me; it was the only consistent source of food I’d had since I arrived here.

…Maybe I should have used some of those bits to buy some groceries before I wasted them on ill-fitting pants. I really needed to work on my planning and life-hack skills.

Resigning myself to the fact that I was going to be wearing my clothes through a much more considerable rate than usual, I politely (for me) bid the unicorn goodbye and made my way for the door. I was stopped when the mare called out.

“Actually, Nemo, darling…” she started, the binder now floating in the air from her magic. Rarity stepped around me, her hooves clacking on the wooden floor, and gave me the once-over. “I believe I have a proposal that will benefit the both of us.”

“And that is…?” I prodded suspiciously. Once again, I didn’t like that expression. It was too… predatory for my taste. Then again, beggars (which I very well could soon be) couldn’t be choosers.

“I might be willing to comp you a few outfits to help you start out if you just do me a tiny, itty-bitty favor in return.” At my hesitant nod, she continued, her smirk growing. “You see, I have been looking for a model to help me test out how my works fit. It would behoove both of us if you fulfilled that role.”

I saw how that could work out but a couple (out of many, many) things bothered me. “Don’t you already have, like, a ton of mannequins to do that for me? And didn’t you say I’m already a bit off from ponies?”

“Every pony has a different structure, dear, so making some small alterations won’t be too much of a challenge,” she waved off. “And you fail to grasp the advantage having a model with smooth and full articulation would give.” She chuckled deeply. “Though they are a bit more vocal when stuck. So… do we have a deal?”

I gave it a thought. On one hand, pseudo-free clothes; on the other, my ass was hers – quite literally in this case.

Ah fuck it, not like I hadn’t made deals heavily tilted not in my favor before. I was relatively positive I could outrun the girl if it came down to it, especially if I cut through a mud puddle (or dozen). She was totally the kind of lady who would huff and puff and go into fits if even a speck dirtied her.

“Yeah, sure, you got a deal, Rare.”

Her eyebrow quirked. “A petname already? How forward of you, and so early in our partnership. I do hope it wouldn’t be too shameful of me to ask if we could start right now?”

I shrugged. I didn’t have anything better to do.

“Very well then.” Her horn lit up with blue energy.

The room spun into a mass of controlled chaos and sewing tools. Caught in an azure aura, the mannequins were pushed to the sides of the room and the sounds of sewing machines revving up in one of the back rooms ignited. Following suit, bolts of fabric and rolls of ribbon and thread circled around the fashionista like birds of prey, and I could almost hear the jaunty tune that matched their motions.

So caught up in the marvel that was frickin’ magic all around me, I almost didn’t notice the small tug on my waistline. I looked down to see that same blue glow infuse the bottom of my shirt and belt and then snapped my head back up to stare at the only possible perpetrator.

Yet again, that dark and mad spark in her eyes shined, perfectly at odds with the clear blue of her irises. A measuring tape floated down to her hands, and she gripped both ends before snapping it taut with a loud crack. Her mouth split wide open into a ghoulish and hungry grin.

“Wahaha! Excellent! Now… strip.”

As the inside of my shirt clouded my vision, I could only think of one thing –

Goddamn fucking crazy ponies.

I arrived at Carousel Boutique with a stiff upper lip and paranoia seeping through my very veins and marrow. If the past two dates hadn’t already given me enough to freak out over, I very much doubted this one was going to ease my frayed nerves any more than they were now.

It didn’t help that I was most likely about to go on a date with the admittedly scariest mare of all I’d met since coming here. Rarity had the kind of personality that always managed to throw me off balance – a self-serving individual who never hesitated in going after what she wanted at the expense of common sense or foresight, but also one of the most giving and charitable ponies I’d ever met who’d literally given the tail off her ass to someone in need.

Paradoxical chicks always confused the hell out of me, particularly when they were also bombshells of a woman who knew their charm and had no compunctions with abusing it. It was a rare occurrence when I left an encounter with the fashionista without losing something of value, whether it be monetary, intellectual debate, or dignity.

The hyperbolic mare had a tongue like a barbed-tooth whip and used it to full effect on any that displeased her, rendering the poor sod a quivering lump of jelly and despair.

…I liked that in a girl. I’d never tell her though; giving her any indication of her superiority would only make her even more insufferable than she already was.

Still, just because I was heading over to her place of business didn’t necessarily mean that she was going to be my date for the night. Maybe I was just picking up a set of clothes that would impress one of the other girls and I couldn’t even finish that line of thought without laughingly kicking it into a broken pile of submission.

Like Rainbow or Applejack would ever willingly change into anything that would fulfill Rarity’s entitled sense of propriety. The moment either of them wore a formal evening gown to anything that wasn’t a full-blown diplomatic event was the moment I sicced the town guard on them for being changeling spies here to sap my toxic love.

Twilight may have been an honorable mention, but I also doubted that she would expose herself so soon in this wretched debacle. Probably saving herself for last while I was too emotionally and physically drained to fully protect myself.

So nope, Rarity was my next date and I was dreading just what the foppish pone had planned for me.

Walking up to the front entrance, I noted that the sign on the door had been flipped to closed. Strange given that Rarity often kept the place open till late at night, always willing to take an order from her adoring clientele. Then again, if she was going on a date with me, she very well couldn’t keep the business running while she was gone. Figuring that, I rapped my knuckles on the door.

“I’m sorry, but we’re closed!” her muffled voice answered from within, that customary trill whimsically intertwining her words. “Please come back again tomorrow!”

“Rare, it’s me,” I shouted back.

There was a stampede inside as her hoofsteps rushed to the door. The door was flung inward, the white unicorn filling in the gap. She seemed more than a little out of breath and flustered, her normally perfectly coifed mane several strands out of place and in disarray. She smiled brightly and brushed a bouncy lock of purple to the side. “Darling, it’s so good to see you!” She leaned forward and pecked/nuzzled both my cheeks in her usual bombastic fashion before beckoning me in. “Come in, come in! I’ve been waiting for you to arrive.”

I walked after her, closing the door behind me. Rarity walked over to her front desk, a full sway to her hips as her tail followed suit. My eyes dipped down a little too much, taking in the curve of her full heart-shaped ass through her skirt, before they snatched back up, just in time, too, as she turned back to face me, leaning lightly on the desk. She raised an eyebrow, coquettish in appearance behind her red-rimmed reading glasses, and pursed her lips, clearly waiting for me to say something.

I gathered myself up, swallowing some spit to moisten my suspiciously sudden dry throat. Ah fuck, I’d only just got here and already I was on my last nerve. “So, I’m guessing I’m here for our date?” I hated how I sounded so unsure when I said that. Rarity would no doubt jump on such an obvious vulnerability.

Unexpectedly, she didn’t, though her puckered mouth did slide to a bemused curl for a moment. “Yes, indeed,” she said, raising the back of her hand to her mouth. She gave a proud laugh that would not be out of place in noble society. “You have the incredible honor of taking me out on the town tonight. I do hope you recognize this stroke of good fortune for what it is. Most stallions would give their left arm for such an opportunity.”

I took her grandstanding for what it was, a good-natured attempt to draw my sarcastic ire to the forefront and calm my nerves. I did not let her thrown bone go to waste.

“I don’t know,” I smirked, feeling more at ease now that I was back on more familiar ground. “I’ve been in pretty high demand lately. Two dates in as many days and a bunch more planned. And they’re all pretty fantastic to look at. Really, I think you’re getting the better end of the deal here.”

Rarity pushed off the desk and stalked towards me, her hooves purposefully stepping ahead of each other in what I recognized as the same kind of walk used by runway models. Seemed she’d picked up a thing or two on her many fashion expeditions. She stopped not even a foot from me and bent down, looking up at me through her eyelashes.

“Ohh…?” she crooned, her eyes lidded. “You proclaim to be more in demand than this lovely and fashionable mare? I do believe somepony has a rather high and mighty image of himself.”

I chuckled unabashedly, returning her teases shot for shot. “Says the mare who constantly wants to get into my pants and more often than not rips me out of them.”

“That’s only to put you in your rightful place, my dear.” She tapped the very tips of her fingers on the bottom of my chin. “Where else would you belong but with my mark imprinted on you.” Her eyes twinkled and teeth nibbled on her lower lip.

…Fuck.

I pouted and swung my head to the side. Sighing, I scratched my temple, eyes refusing to acknowledge how thoroughly she’d trounced me in a battle of wits again. “Fine, fine, you win again. Damn it, Rare, can’t you ever go easy on me once?”

She giggled and fondly patted my cheek. “Ah, my dear Nemo, you simply make this too easy for me. You really must work on your verbal riposte if you ever intend to best me.” She giggled cutely, a loose sound rare for the usually debonair mare, at my sulking. “Though I do fervidly await your next attempt~”

Much like Pinkie, Rarity was an unrepentant flirt. She never surrendered the chance to get me, or any other guy for that matter, hot and bothered under the collar. Unlike Pinkie, though, she was also just as big a cocktease, willing to rev any man up but then also leave them eternally hanging for a sultry event that would never come. If there was any woman that would take advantage of their inherent femininity and appeal, it was her.

Rarity was the type of girl that would have you chauffeur her around town, carrying bundles of goods that towered to the sky, and make you glad for the chance to be her mule. She never did anything directly – always hinting, always giving the quick flash of leg or subtle wink, just enough to give you hope, that maybe your hard work would be sexily rewarded – and then shattered your preconceptions with the kind of ease and appreciation only a woman who knew manipulating the male mind was more a game, an art, then anything else had.

No wonder she had, perhaps unintentionally, strung Spike along for so long. It was like she knew no other way than to be just a big old classy ball of courtesan-style allure. She certainly broke through my apathy defense enough with it.

Of course, it helped that she was a genuinely nice person to be around. Being a tease only worked if she had the affable personality to back her up when she wasn’t sending my hormones into overdrive with a lazy touch. Though prone to taking everything too seriously and huffing off, she had a quick wit and burning passion for her work and friends. Even if I didn’t understand a good ninety-nine percent of what she was babbling about, it was kinda endearing whenever she went into a tangent on stitching patterns or the latest popular styles.

Seriously, what was it about ponies and their sparkling eyes whenever they were into something that made them so adorable to watch?

Finding myself calm enough after Rarity’s latest flirt-sault, I cleared my throat, giving her the signal that I was ready to continue. “So, now that you’re done with emasculating me yet again, what’s going on? How will I ruin tonight’s date?”

“Oh, you could never ruin our date,” she proclaimed. Her eyes narrowed irately. “I wouldn’t let you.”

“…you scare me, Rarity.”

“Good~ First rule of taking a lady out – always know that she’s in control. Trust me, it’ll make everything so much easier for you.”

I laughed. “Fine… So, milady.” I pretended to take a hat off my head and swept into a deep bow. “What doth thou have fashioned for us tonight?”

Rarity answered with a curtsy, raising her skirt up past her knees and giving me a nice view of her toned legs from my lowered stance. She had to be doing this on purpose; there was no way miss proper was granting me such a show without planning to use it to her future advantage.

“As you wish, milord. You will take me out to dinner and a show at a newly opened venue in the Eclipse district. You will be polite and cultured, and if you are not, I will be very cross with you.” She punctuated her promise with a threatening glare, though it was ruined by her tail curling around her to tickle my face. She laughed when I sneezed while still making sure I didn’t get any snot on her luscious locks.

“Now then!” She waited until I was upright again and led me over to a clothes rack. On it was a single suit garment bag. She plucked it off the rack and handed it to me. “Change into this.”

I peeked a glance. “Really? We’re doing this, too?”

“Second rule – fulfill a lady’s desires as though they were your own.” Rarity smiled and ran a finger down the bag and winked. “Seeing you in this suit will be a good starting gift for me, especially as you didn’t think to even bring me flowers to our date.” Her tone stated she was not happy with my lack of foresight and dating etiquette.

I paused. “I was going to but the flower sisters thought I was there to eat them and locked me out.”

She effortlessly saw through my impressive fib and clicked her tongue. “Try again, darling.”

“…I’ll make sure to bring flowers next time?”

“Now you’re getting it. Do well tonight, and I may not have you wear anything on future ones.”

Wait, was she implying there’d be more dates?

…and that they’d involve being naked?

Goddamn this mare.

Rarity ushered me through the store, breaking me from my wandering thoughts (and delusions), and pushed me into one of her many changing stalls. Glad with how she'd corralled me away, she shunted the privacy curtain partially closed. Half turned, her figure clearly presented itself to me in all its wonder. “Now then, be a good colt and put that on. I’ll be changing as well to match.”

I glanced over her, silently appreciating the long pencil skirt and dress shirt that molded to her form. Unlike the other girls, Rarity was as close to a classical beauty as one could get. She was of average height for a unicorn, very similar to any human girl you’d find back home. She wasn’t substantial in her goodies like Applejack, Pinkie, or Fluttershy; wasn’t small like Twilight or Rainbow. Her proportions were much closer to that of a traditional model (ironic given her career), a commendable compilation of subtle curves. She wasn’t heavily endowed, wouldn’t make the hounds howl for her full moon, but she had a modest hourglass shape, a pert beginnings of a bubble butt, and toned parts that still triggered the ugga-ugga in my caveman brain. Also, I’d seen her ass in a bikini once; the mare did not put her yoga and spin classes to waste.

A lascivious smile rolled across my face. “Really? I think you’re looking pretty good already.”

“You rogue.” She rolled the ‘r’ like the best of them. She lightly slapped my shoulder and tittered. “A lady never reveals her best at first. You must earn it. Besides, I can’t let you outshine me, now can I?”

“It always comes back to that…”

“Oh hush now.” Rarity blew a kiss and fully shut the curtain, leaving me to myself.

Figuring that I may as well get it over with, I unzipped the garment bag and pulled out its contents. I was both stunned and yet not by what I saw. This wasn’t the first time Rarity had made me formal attire – that was when she’d dragged me to one of Twilight’s social events after she’d ascended to alicornhood – but it still amazed me whenever I witnessed the masterpieces she’d sewn.

An emerald-green three-piece suit stared back at me, along with a pair of argyle socks and meticulously shined dress shoes placed on the bottom of the bag. I knew pretty much next to nothing about mensware besides if it was washer-friendly, but even I could tell that this set had a ton of love and care poured into it. I couldn’t see any stitches where they should’ve been, and each piece – from the shirt to the jacket to the pants – looked like it had been sculpted from a single piece of fabric, like it was folded into some weird fashion origami.

The fabric was too smooth to be wool or cotton but too sturdy to be silk. Seriously, what kind of witchcraft had the unicorn performed to make this outfit. I was suddenly scared a demon was going to pop out and demand my soul in recompense for the deviltry that had certainly occurred.

Meh, I’d just point it to the nearest lawyer and run in the opposite direction. Maybe Celestia’s oversized doggy would save me before it dragged me off to hell.

I quickly changed into the new clothes. I wasn’t even the least bit surprised that she’d even included a pair of purple briefs with the suit. Of course, she would; crazy mare had to make sure I knew who owned my ass for the night. I debated for a minute whether or not to exchange the pair but I just knew she would know if I wasn’t wearing the entire set, so I sucked it up and slipped on the admittedly snug pair of undies. The rest of the outfit followed until I found myself stuck at the most frustrating part –

How the fuck did you do a tie again? No, seriously, there were like half-a-dozen different ways to do so, all of which were mashed together in my memory, and I didn’t need to set off miss anal’s sloppy detector.

Figuring it’d be better to just ask my jailer at the source, I walked back into the main room, fumbling with the white-and-green striped tie. “Hey, Rare, need some help here!”

“Over here, darling!” I heard her voice, and saw her silhouette, from behind a collapsible divider and quickly headed over. “What is it~?”

Grumbling pettily to myself, I made my way around the edge of the divider. “Can you help me with this tie? Damn thing won’t…” Whatever I had left to say died a miserable and gurgling death in my throat.

The slayer of my articulation rose in the form of Rarity’s naked back. Pure as the fallen snow and curved like a swan’s neck, it shone in the lighting as Rarity reached behind herself with one arm, the other one holding up her dress to cover her breasts. She perked up at my appearance.

“Ah, wonderful, could you help me zip my dress up? I can’t quite reach the seam.”

My eyes trailed down her back, skimming over the dimples, to where her tail swished back and forth. Just above it I could make out where the zipper came together. Her fingers barely brushed up against it.

“Darling, stop drooling and help me out here.” Her delicate eyebrow was raised, but I was much more mesmerized by the generous portion of sideboob her undone dress and lack of bra revealed. “Or must I remind you how to treat a lady?”

I shuddered and resisted the urge to slap myself to break out of my funk. Didn’t mean I couldn’t say stupid shit instead of doing it. “Can’t you just use my magic?”

She scrunched up her muzzle. “Shut up and do it.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I hesitantly grabbed the zipper and pulled it up. Again, I shuddered at Rarity’s barely audible pleased moan-nicker as I tightened the seam right up to just below her shoulder blades. As soon as I finished, I jumped away like the mare was on fire. My hands shook and buzzed at the textural memory of her fur on them.

Rarity stood up, running her hands up through her styled hair and giving it a testing bounce. It swirled and curled, concealing the remainder of her now much more covered back but still leaving a tantalizing strip of white to peek out. She turned around, placing one finger on the corner of her mouth, the other hand on her slightly stuck-out hip, and smiled teasingly.

“Well, how do I look?”

She looked… gorgeous was too common a term, but it was the best I could come up with on such short notice. A fresh coat of makeup had been applied – dark blue eyeliner, pitch black mascara, and dark ruby red lipstick. I almost never saw the fastidious mare without makeup of some sort, but this time seemed especially… thorough. She had several necklaces of various designs and materials – gold hoops, pearls, silver chain links – looped around her neck, each jingling and bringing attention to her slender neck and throat. They matched the opal earrings on each perky ear. Her hair had an extra twist added in the form of a long, wide red ribbon, placed ever-so-lopsidedly so that it hung just to the side of her head and trailed along her shoulder and dress.

And the dress, oh gods above and below and wherever else that fucking dress…

The dress I had so achingly helped her with was a rich burgundy and shimmered in the light as though many fine jewels had been sewed within. It reached down to mid-calf, but I saw so much more of her leg thanks to the long slit on one side that ran far enough to her hip that I would’ve sworn I saw the edge of her cutie mark. Oh, and the sheer amount of cleavage (and dat tuft) granted by the strapless and mildly backless gown only enhanced the image of pure sex in front of me.

Many were the times I was speechless, but this was one of the more scarily-frequent-and-disturbingly-recent few that were caused by something not even close to being in my control.

Rarity’s smile deepened and she placed a hand below my chin, closing my mouth shut with a clack of teeth. “Careful, dear, you’ll catch flies like that.” She traced her fingers down my throat and to the tie that dangled abandoned around my neck. “Now, let’s help you out with this.”

I silently watched her fix my tie, not trusting my voice at all. If I even tried to talk, I would only say something unknown, incomprehensible, and more in tune with the elder gods of yore and madness.

I caught a whiff of Rarity’s perfume. It smelled of vanilla and butter cream. But it was mixed with something else – fresh soap and clean linen.

Rarity finished with the knot and tightened it so that it barely touched my throat, rubbing against my Adam’s apple. She gave it a satisfied pat and beamed up at me, that familiar twinkle in her eyes. “How’s that? Better?”

“…Better.”

Fuck that squeak toy stuck in the back of my throat. The actual date hadn’t even started yet and I was already a complete mess of hormones and fear.

…Oh gods, what was she going to do with me when it officially began?

Rarity’s giggles as she flounced away to pick up her purse did nothing to soothe my anxieties. The extra sway in her hips and tail and flickering of her ears only made it worse.

Was it too late to write up a will?

“Come along, darling, or we’ll be late~!”

Fuck. Yes. Yes, it was.

I hitched my messenger bag over my shoulder, feeling its contents shift around inside. Lucky for me, my deliveries for the day weren’t anything fragile or high-priority, so a little jostling wouldn’t do them any harm. Then again, one of them was for miss freak-out herself, so maybe I should be a little careful so as not to gain her ire.

Delivering packages was just one of the many odd jobs I did all over town. Considering I didn’t have a butt tattoo that spelled out my life’s purpose for me, it was hard to find one thing to settle on, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed the freedom picking and choosing the random tasks I did, and not having to do one thing meant I didn’t have to deal with the same nosy coworkers for too long.

Sure, that just made me more otherworldly and strange in the eyes of these tight-knit and homogenous ponies but, then again, I never really cared what they thought about me to begin with. Idly, I wondered if this is how that witch doctor that lived in the Everfree felt. Zecora was an okay kind of chick, but damn did her iambic speech pattern get on my nerve after a while.

My freelancing for the post office was my main purvey for the day, and I was already at the tail end of it. Only a few more stops and I would collect enough bits to feed my booze addiction for the night! I was going to need it, especially since the next day was another of Twilight’s ‘study’ sessions. Urgh, could that woman drill into my soul with her nonstop barrage of questions.

Speaking of mares that wouldn’t leave me alone even on the wrong end of a clue-by-four, my next stop was lady fashion herself. Surprising enough, I had swiftly gotten used to the over-the-top sight of her establishment. I kind of had to - with the amount of times I stopped by to either pick up clothes or act as her living pincushion, it was either adapt or go into an apoplectic fit of manly disdain for, ew, ruffles.

The tingling of her bell announced my arrival, but I doubted anyone could hear it over the fierce and yet subdued arguing going on in the building.

I quickly found the source of the tension. One of the dueling half was, not shockingly, Rarity, the white and purple mare standing behind her front desk with an expression and posture that all but screamed politely-pissed-the-fuck-off. I didn’t know why she hadn’t throttled the cause of her strife already (she certainly had no problem with me) but she seemed to be doing her utmost best to hold her cultured façade up. One ear threatened to break her veneer, the single appendage twitching back and forth like it was trying to swat away a particularly stubborn horsefly.

The other half was a unicorn stallion I’d never seen before, an oddity as Ponyville was the sort of small town where everyone knew your name whether you wanted them to or not. The way he was dressed only added to the assumption that he wasn’t from around there. With a mane slicked back from copious amounts of oil or pomade and a suit with enough frills to choke a hydra, he looked like your classic city-slicker noble. Strange, as those kinds of folks never came down from their ivory towers in Canterlot to mingle with the common folk.

So what was he doing here in Ponyville? And what had he done to piss off marshmallow pone so badly? I might have to ask him later for pointers.

Seeing that neither one had noticed my arrival, I snuck around the curve of the room to see if I could listen in on what they were talking about. Hey, if Rarity didn’t want me eavesdropping, then she shouldn’t have forced me into that monstrosity she'd called an ascot. I’d been hacking out glitter and pink for a week.

Besides, the gossipy mare didn’t have much of a leg to stand on when it came to rooting out juicy rumors on matters she had no right sticking her snout into.

I was only a few feet away, hidden behind a cluttered mannequin collection, when I finally managed to make out what they were saying.

“Look, Lady Rarity, I don’t know why you’re being so adamant on refusing this proposal. It’s quite the beneficial deal for the both of us.” The stallion’s voice sounded just as slimy as his hair looked. No wonder Rarity did not look like she was enjoying listening to the guy. I doubted I’d get through a full paragraph before wanting to punch him on general principle. “I just cannot see why you continue to pursue such an illogical course.”

“And as I’ve told you, Lord Pincher,” she said, a not-small amount of vitriol and steel laced in her words. “I feel that, while your offer is indeed generous, my services and business would be best suited kept under my full control and operations.”

“Come now, my dear. Surely you can see that your works would only be put on the wide-spread display they deserve with my help.” I almost heard the grind in Rarity’s teeth at his attempt to play to her vanity.

Ooh, bad move. If there was one thing that Rarity hated more than not being appreciated for her industrious work ethic and tireless efforts at improving her craft, it was being hollowly flattered for same said work. She did not take kindly to being buttered up if it was only a means to an end.

Unless you was just messing with and/or teasing her, then she would just titter and effortlessly curbstomp you in a verbal smackdown or dramatically faint away with the vapors (while also pulling a chaise lounge out of her ass).

Rarity could be all kinds of fun when she wasn’t harassing me about my ensem-bleh.

Rarity’s eye twitched. Her tail whipped behind her and then settled down, the occasional snap the only indication of her temper. She gave a facetious laugh. “And surely you, as the upstand gentlestallion you are, can understand that when a lady says no, it is only polite and proper to bow to her wishes.”

“Even if said lady is quite clearly ignoring the advice of her betters?”

She went still. Her voice was cold and deadly. “I do hope you consider your words before you continue this train of thought, good sir.”

“What train of thought? I simply worry that living in this small hick town and alongside its inhabitants has poisoned you and your judgment. After all, I cannot believe that a mare so ingrained with the politics of nobles could be so blind to the consequences of working against the grain, my dear.” He used Rarity’s trademark use of the word like a battleaxe against her, a weapon of venom and curses.

Urge to punch – overwhelming. Desire to make him eat his own mane – rising. Why’d I have to leave my dumbass exterminator (aka a flat-head shovel) at home?

“I would very much thank you not to speak of my neighbors and friends that way,” she whispered. “They are good ponies and need not listen to such salacious words, especially from upright citizens that know the meaning of noblesse oblige.”

Oh shit, she was being extra polite and using high-falutin’ vocab. I wondered how much my grave digging skills had atrophied. I had the distinct feeling I was going to put them to the test very soon.

Pincher leaned on the table. I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined the smarmiest, smug, and oh so elbowable smirk on it. “Then perhaps it would find it in your best interest to take my offer up before certain and more reputable… others bring to bare that the name Rarity Belle is not nearly as important as the masses may think.”

There was a crack of wood and plastic. Rarity had destroyed a clipboard with a single hand, the crunched splinters scattered on the table and floor. Her face was on the verge of fury, her lips even paler than normal and eyes threatening to shoot lightning. Angry horse noises intensified. “You wouldn’t dare.”

His tail wagged. His voice grew even oilier as he added on the pressure. “Do not think to demand anything of me, my lady, less you want to see all that you struggled to build fall to pieces around you. The name Penny Pincher is not a title or brand to be trifled with.”

…Okay, I’d had enough of this shit. I very much doubted Rarity needed any rescuing or white knighting - this was the same mare that’d cowed a pack of diamond dog slavers into submission. If this PP-ass knew at all what he was he doing (or anything about the mare he was threatening), he would be preparing for the inevitable counterattack instead of relishing in his all-too-soon-to-be-celebrated victory.

If it was me, I’d brace for the soul-blazing tongue lashing or dainty hoof right up my crack that was going to happen in the next nano-second or so.

Also, Pincher was threatening a national hero and personal friend to the country’s four princesses. It was like standing off against a panzer with a rubber band gun and expecting anything other than a gruesome, karmic, and chunky salsa demise. Still, Rarity had been holding herself back for a reason. Maybe he could cause her some modicum of harassment; I didn’t know how influential this fucker was. Still, even if he was nothing more than a thorn in the mare’s side, there was one line he shouldn’t have crossed.

You never fuck with a man’s tailor, especially one that could design pants that intentionally caused atomic wedgies.

Hypocritical, you may say, to claim there’s no need to white knight and then immediately do so? Fuck that shit, ‘hypocrite’ was my middle name!

…shit, I wished that was my middle name. But no, it had to be another fucking pun.

So with absolutely no thought on how to diplomatically handle the situation, I Kool-Aid Manned my way through the mannequins. The models exploded every which way as I barreled through them, arms held up in a guarding position, and leapt into the middle of the room.

“Oh Yeah!”

My dynamic entry may have been tarnished a bit by how I tripped over one toppled mannequin and faceplanted on the floor, coincidentally getting groped by one very handsy doll, but I totally picked myself up in a cool fashion and got into an impressive and intimidating brawling posture.

Both ponies jumped at my sudden appearance. Rarity’s anger drained away to befuddled shock. “Nemo! What are you doing here? How long have you been here?”

“Being a voyeur. And for the last ten minutes or so.” My bluntness made her shock smoothly move to annoyance, the best kind of look on the snooty mare’s face. If I looked closely enough, I might’ve even seen the wrinkles forming at my ludicrous actions.

My attention wasn’t on her; it was on the stallion who’d been bullying her business for some quick cash. I almost did a double-take at his appearance. He had a handlebar mustache, the ones that you’d see on the same type of villains who tied damsels to railroad tracks, and a godforsaken monocle on one eye. What, was he trying to emulate every clichéd bad guy since the emergence of cartoons? Just slap an eyepatch on the other one and the impression would be complete.

“Hey, fuckface,” I barked, sticking a finger out at Pincher. “Stop threatening my tailor. If you piss her off, I’m the one that pays for it.”

He reeled back as though he was witnessing something truly disgusting, his nostrils flaring. “Oh my word!” he gasped like a complete fop, fishing out a handkerchief and putting it to his snout. “What on Terra is that thing? Some kind of diseased monkey?”

“I’m a human, and you’re bothering my personal clothes maker. Now piss off before I throw your rude ass out.”

Pincher looked me over, his eyes analyzing my form. Something clicked, and his eyes grew dark and twisted. He turned to Rarity, his face caught between disdain and smug glee. “You make clothes for this… creature? The famous Rarity, the rural belle of Canterlot, personal tailor for this disgraceful and shocking abomination? My lady, what would the others think that you’re beholden to such a salacious and rude oddity?”

Panic flared in the mare’s expression. I didn’t know what anxieties had suddenly reared their ugly heads but my appearance had only seemed to embolden them. “Lord Penny Pincher, I can assure you that-“

“Assure me what, my dear? That the mare so keen on currying favor with her betters would not think her association with such a creature could have unfortunate afflictions on her reputation?”

“That is, I mean I, I mean to say that he-“

Okay, this was not going at all how I planned. My gallant entry was supposed to have cowed the dastardly knave into submission, forcefully ejecting his noxious presence with his tail between his legs and hopefully with some soiled britches to boot. Instead, all I had appeared to have done was bolster his cocky demeanor and set off some nerve bomb in Rarity.

I might not have known how pony politics worked but I did know when I done fucked up. So, the only thing me could do was fall back on my immense experience in dealing with pretentious asshats and take the one course of action that never failed to expunge them from my sights –

Talk out my ass like a snake oil salesman trying to sell some schlub the BrooklynBridge.

“Um… Lord Slickback, there seems to be some confusion here. Rarity’s my personal tailor because she was ordered to be.”

Pincher glanced at me, his expression disbelieving. “Oh really?” His voice came out like a snake ready to strike at the smallest hint of weakness. “And who exactly would that be?”

I caught Rarity’s eye and smiled. Her eyes widened and she made a gesture as if to cut me off but I continued unabated. “Who else could order one of the elements, dumbass? It was a royal decree.”

His eyes twitched and he cleared his throat. “Really, and I’m expected just to believe some thing I’ve never seen before?”

“That’s cause I’m the only one of my kind here. Frankly, I’m an endangered species. And if you don’t believe me, you can go ask the princess in this town. I’m Princess Purple’s personal pet project, prick.” Oh yeah, combined alliterative threat, insult, and bullshit for the win. “I’m a spectacle in this town. You can ask anyone.”

Rarity tittered at Pincher’s questioning gaze. Her spirit seemed to gain ground at my relentless and shameless fact-spinning. She put a hand to her lips, a curl forming on them. “Quite right, darling. Why, I would say that causing you grief has ruined quite a few lives that shall not think to ever do so again.”

She wasn’t bluffing there. Though that was less retaliation from the royal guard and more my own twisted sense and desire of balancing the scales of those that wronged me. I could be a vindictive bastard.

Like right now, in fact.

“Did anyone ever find out what happened to Keen Note after he kicked me out of his store? I haven’t seen him since that strange noise violation at his home.”

“I don’t believe they have. There were rumors that he went to visit his family upland but no one ever saw him leave town. Strange, as he was always quite vocal whenever he went on a trip.”

Pincher looked much less certain in his position than before. Sweat appeared on his brow as the possibility that he’d just pissed off the one individual that had connections to those he could never hope to reach or bend to his will. I was counting on his wild delusions; made it easier for me.

“You, you’re bluffing,” he stuttered, clutching at straws in the face of my joint counterattack. “Not even the princesses would pull rank just to protect some lowly and primal oddity.”

“Uh, why wouldn’t they protect their property?” I questioned, folding my arms in front of me with a look that just screamed exasperated bemusement. “I’ve got the brand and everything to prove. Hurt like a bitch when they took the iron to my ass.” I nodded at Rarity. “I didn’t even know they still did that shit in this day and age.”

“It was quite popular during the classical era to mark beloved items with their sign,” Rarity explained. “With Princess Luna coming back to power, it’s not unexpected that there wouldn’t be some fallback to more familiar traditions.”

“Knew that nag had something to do with it.” I started fiddling with my belt, unbuckling the latch. “It’s pretty wicked in any case. You wanna see? S’like they mixed all their cutie marks together with the dankest death metal album cover.”

“T-that’s not necessary! Perhaps if I just-“

“Naw, don’t be embarrassed!” I interrupted. I focused all my attention on getting my pants off, whipping the belt off and flinging it carelessly to the side. The sound of my fly unzipping echoed through the now deathly silent hall. “You seem like the guy who needs to take in all the evidence before he believes in something. Hold on one sec, this pair is always so damn tricky to get off. Ah! There we go!”

My trousers hit the floor with a muted thump. Triumphantly, I tilted my head up only to find no Penny Pincher and one very amused if brightly blushing Rarity. “Huh, where’d Lord Shitstain go?”

Her mouth parted into a round ‘o,’ she broke from her daze and snapped her mouth shut. Rarity fanned her face with one hand, giggling softly at the absurdity of the situation. She let out a couple brazen chuckles until her flushed face settled down and she was more prepared to talk. “He…” She broke out in one very unladylike chortle-whinny before clearing her throat and put her fingers to her chin. Her eyes closed as she composed herself. “He said something about needing to run to an important meeting and galloped off.”

“Oh, too bad.” I shrugged and put my attention back on Rarity. All mention and memory of the past dozen minutes flew from my mind as I set myself back onto my duly appointed task. “So, I’ve got a delivery for you. Ya mind signing for it so I can get out of here?”

“Perhaps it would be wise to don your pants again, darling.” Rarity seemed mildly embarrassed at my dropped-trou state, though she refused to look away even as she scrabbled for a quill. I absently noted she did not tear her eyes from my figure while her hand skimmed across the desk, looking for its prey. Yeah, I knew I was all flavors of awesome.

“Uh, Rare, you see me with less on all the time.”

“Yes, but that is when we’re in a professional environment and I’m taking you measurements. A young stallion half-naked in the same room as an unwed mare in which anypony can enter could lead to loose lips spouting off ideas they do not know.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know you love the show.”

“I never said I didn’t, darling.”

I opened my mouth and closed it again. Rarity just gave me a smoldering gaze, one hand perched over her shoulder, the other holding her arm up. Her hips were settled at a tilted angle, her tail languidly swaying behind her. I tried again and came up with the same degree of success. She bit her lower lip. I saw it tremble. Her nostrils flared and I heard a bridled mirthful nicker escape.

“Okay, okay,” I conceded. “Stop messing with the dumb human. I know when I’m beat.” I turned around, searching for my belt and swiftly found it. Bending over to pick it up, the light, barely audible sound of something snapping caught my ear.

My drawers, the elastic band finally giving up the ghost, fell to the floor to meet my pants.

There was no sound, no movement, no sign of life to distinguish anything in the room. Then, Rarity spoke.

“Oh my, I didn’t know you had a birthmark on your derriere. It is just the cutest image, as well!”

“…How much to never speak of this to anyone?”

“Nemo, there is nothing you can give that could possibly match up to what you’ve shown me.”

“…I’ll be your shopping mule the next three times you go to Canterlot.”

“Deal.”

Fucking ponies, man.

I was completely out of place here.

I surreptitiously stared around me, trying to get a handle on my surroundings. A large circular indoor stage, about a hundred or so feet in diameter, was surrounded by tables in an amphitheater design. There were three stories to the establishment, the higher floors stretching out towards the center as balconies.

Each of the tables was built to hold maybe only a few people at once, the circular shape made to give a cozy feeling along with a closeness to your tablemate. They had ivory tablecloths covering them, with origami napkin swans, a single flower in a high-lipped glass, and a couple candles to give mood in the darkened room.

The room was full of milling or sitting ponies, each dressed to the nines in fancy or expensive-looking clothes. They all seemed to be of rather high-class, though I did recognize a few familiar faces from my walks in town scattered throughout the menagerie of pompous and up-turned snouts.

Yeah, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Sure, I was just as nicely dressed as any of the other ponies here (if I was to be honest, Rarity’s suit far outshined most of what I saw) but my unique form and heritage made me stand out even more, like a monkey shoved into a tuxedo.

Never mind, that’s exactly what I was.

Rarity gave my arm a squeeze, bringing me back down to reality. I recovered my stride from the stumbling mess it’d been as the two of me followed the hostess leading me to my seats. Rarity’s eyes were calm but her voice was not, soft and commanding “Nemo darling, you must calm down.”

I tugged at my collar. “Everyone’s staring at me, Rare.”

“Well, perhaps they’re just jealous that you’ve brought such an exquisite lady as your partner.” She preened smugly at me.

I laughed after a moment’s silence, the tension flowing out of me. Rarity’s smile shifted to something more tender before she flipped her hair. “Hmph! Well, maybe you’ll better appreciate me after this. Now!” She pointed to a chair at my assigned table. “Help me into my seat like a gentlestallion would.”

I chuckled as I pulled out the chair, Rarity smoothly sliding into it, and then pushed it back in. My hands lingered near her bare shoulders for a moment and her eyes crinkled. “Rule three, my dear – always make sure to treat a lady like a lady wherever you go.”

“Whatever you say, Rare,” I snorted, sitting in the chair opposite from her. I noticed the seats were situated parallel to the stage so that neither of my backs were to it. I guessed that was so everyone would have the ability to watch was going on without having to crack their spines twisting around. “So, what is this play about anyway? Seems pretty hoity toity what with all the rich pones here.”

“Oh, you’ll love it!” she gushed. “It’s by the playwright Dense Phrase created back near the end of the Classical era, and…”

She soon fell into a florid description of the ancient pony’s work. I could barely string two words together before she began to blather about something else, and I found myself lucky to try and parse what she was saying about the play. As far as I could figure out, it was sort of like someone had taken one of Shakespeare’s comedies and then given it to a French existentialist who dropped acid before, during, and far after production.

Normally I would’ve been bored out of my skull and looking for a chance to schlep off to the bathroom, but Rarity was clearly trying to get me interested in the night I was about to waste. The least I could do was humor her. Plus, her wild gesticulations made her dress move in all different kinds of ways, all of which were dessert for my eyes, and her face was just so lively and joyful. Luckily for my ears though, our waiter arrived to take our drink orders before she could go off on another tangent.

The waiter was a male earth pony, with stormy eyes and the most glorious mustache, dressed in his own monkey suit that suited him far better. He had a slight accent, reminiscent of western Europe. “Welcahme to the Equus Global Theatre, where we ah’re currently showing Dense Phraze’s ‘A Midsummer’s Mid-Morning Cant.' I ahm your server today, Crystal Decahnt.” For a moment, he eyed Rarity. I didn’t like the way he dragged over her body. Oh, I was not going to get along with him. “May I get you ahnything to drink before my meals ahre brought out?”

“I will have a glass of Chateau Charlemane 67’,” Rarity ordered.

“Excellent choice, mademoiselle,” he answered. He smiled charismatically. “I can see we have a connoisseur in ouhr midst. And is that a hint of a Prench accent I hear?”

“My, yes, I spent a few months there traveling the countryside! They have the most lovely villages there, and the air is so sweet-smelling! Have you been?”

“Ah yes, the rollinck fields of Deleur ahre breathtaking this time of year.” He bent and took her hand. “And if I may say, miss…?”

“Rarity.”

“Rarity…” He slipped into native tongue, all breathy sighs and heady words, and kissed her hand, his thick mustache brushing across her fur.

“Oh my!” She answered back in that same language, to which he said something else. Rarity giggled girlishly at me, putting her other hand to her mouth. “Isn’t he just so charming?”

“Yes.” I bit my tongue. Was it getting hot in here, or was it me? “So very charming.”

An odd expression passed over her face, something that almost looked like impatience and curiosity mixed with an upset gastrointestinal tract. “Well, darling, what would you like to drink?”

“Ah, yes, monsieur.” Decant somehow managed to tear himself from flirting with mymotherfracking date(!) to take my order, pad at the ready. “You do not seem laike a wine stallion, but I ahssure, we have something that can handle your… palahte.” The smallest hint of a sneer hid within his features.

He was so lucky Rarity would be pissed off at me if I got blood all over her handmade suit. I had plenty of stabbing implements within grabbing distance. “I’ll just take whatever you have on tap.”

“Ah, as I expected, monsieur. Then, I shall be back with your drinks shortly.” He exited stage right but not before shooting off another string of foreign words that sent Rarity into another girlish tizzy.

Rarity calmed in her giggles. She shot me a look, her brows drawing together. “Is something wrong, darling?”

…Was she fucking serious? The dude was licking her with his eyes and seducing her with his stupid fancy, foreign silver tongue and she wanted to know what was wrong with me? Did she even-

Wait.

What the fuck.

Was I… was I fucking… jealous?

…Ohhhhh no. I wasn’t going to play this game. This was only a practice date. Rarity wasn’t going to make I feel anything me damn didn’t want to feel like Pinkie and Fluttershy had. And she fucking wasn’t going to make me feel like this whole dating shit was real and get me all emotionally invested and shit! Fuck, I’d had enough trouble already; I wasn’t going to succumb to her bitchy mind games!

Fuck all’em mares!

“Nemo…?”

“It’s… nothing!” I hissed out. How red was my face? No, wait, I was angry; I tended to go unnaturally white as a sheet when fire burned in my carbonized heart.

“Well! There’s no need to be so short with me! I was simply worried for you, you’re pale as a ghost!”

“I’m fine, Rare…” I warned.

She grumbled, and I both fell into uneasy silence. I needed it anyway. It was better for me to have a grudging temper than a flighty anxiety, and the last few days had done nothing but make me worry that I was going to snap from the stress.

The mood was soon ‘rescued’ when Decant returned with my drinks. “For monsieur, a pint of Stalliongrahd Steel…” He roughly placed the mug in front of me, some of the frothy contents spilling over the side and onto the tablecloth. He didn’t apologize for his ‘accidental’ misdemeanor as he threw all his attention back on Rarity. “And for the lovely mademoiselle, a glass of our fahnest wine.” He tenderly put the wineglass down before slicing through the seal and popping open a new bottle.

For a moment, there was a disgruntled look on Rarity’s face before it slid into a perfectly demure and surprised one. “Oh, but I only ordered one glass,” Rarity said.

“Compliments of the house,” he smoothly rebutted. “A lahvely drink for a lahvely lady.”

Rarity giggled again at the lavish gesture and praise and swiftly entered an involved conversation with him on the fields and winery where the wine had been gathered and fermented. I just watched in stony silence, holding back the dark miasma in the corner of my mind.

What did it matter that Rarity was flirting with the guy? That was the kind of woman she was; she never failed to draw out flattery from any stallion that had his eye on her. And besides, like I already knew beforehand, this was just a practice date, something to draw me out of my shell. It wasn’t like she wanted to go out with me. Her snide remarks on my constant crude behavior and antics certainly proved that. Even when she sometimes smiled at me like I was an unpolished gem, a work in progress that she had to finish.

…ah fuck, now I was sad. Ugh, and I promised to stop being so damn mushy over a damn broad!

Look at her, she was clearly enjoying talking with the stallion. Someone with the same likes and past times as her made a much better partner if her appearance was any indication. Her eyes were glowing, her mouth in constant movement, her hands perfectly placed to draw attention to her face and throat, her hooves rolling on top of my feet.

Wait wat.

One eye narrowed in stunned amazement, the other trained on Rarity. She laughed at something Decant said and rolled her eyes, briefly connecting with mine. The corner of her mouth curled up, and I felt one hoof trail up my lower leg. And then the spell was complete, and she was back to talking with the flirtatious waiter.

Her hoof wasn’t done with me. It rubbed up and down my entire length, sometimes switching with the other leg to give that one the same fair treatment. I reflexively twitched and nearly slammed my knee on the underside of the table when she touched me under it, and Rarity responded with a giggle and bit the end of her thumb. Decant’s mustache wiggled at her apparent delight in some witty remark he made.

The breaking point came when she traveled all the way, past my ankle and calf, past my knee and thigh, and planted her hoof squarely in my lap. I instinctively grabbed it. Rarity let out a disappointed sound. Decant raced to cheer her up. She rolled her eyes at me again, and that same dirty ditty of a grin flashed across and away.

Oh, so that was how she wanted to play it? This really was just a big game to her, wasn’t it? Well too fucking bad, I wasn’t going to lose to her feminine wiles!

My hands slid up and down her leg, her downy layer of fur feeling more like fuzzy satin than hair. Every so often, I would press into the limb, feeling out the assortment of tender, firm muscles within. Rarity jumped and bit her lip whenever I did, though her voice did not break stride even the tiniest bit. Mare could be a top-class actress if she ever went for it.

I continued this game of cat-and-mouse footsies until finally I couldn’t take anymore. I released Rarity’s leg and she glanced over at me. With the minutest of nods, so subtle I barely saw it, I took my stand.

My hands crashing down onto the table, knocking over silverware and my beer mug with a clatter, echoed through the room and silenced any of those in proximity. My eyes locked onto Decant, whose amiable features had changed to something more startled and concerned, and slowly rose to my feet.

“Hey. Buddy.”

“Yes, sir?” Even now, his service voice was strong.

“I’d really appreciate it you’d stop making goo-goo eyes at my girl and fuck off.”

“My goodness!” he gasped. “There’s no need to be so combahtive!” I saw the gears turning over in his head. He faced Rarity, gave a short bow, and said, with a remorseful tone, “Mademoiselle, I don’t know what I could have possibly done to cahse your partner to be so barbaric, but please, accept my apology for whatever trahnsgression I might’ve crossed. I did not mean to shame such a wondrous example of marehood with such frivolous bellicosity.”

Shit, even now he was still smooth-talking her! And with that frown on Rarity’s face aimed at me, no doubt she was pissed at me. Had I read the situation wrong? Was I really just an uncouth asshole? Just how manipulative was this mare?

I sank into my seat with a petulant snarl as she followed me with a glare. I wanted to say something else but found myself unable to – not because of any sense of propriety, but because of two other details.

One, Rarity’s glower, for a sliver of a second, melted into a capricious, grim smile and back again before she switched her attention to the waiter. And second, her leg was back in my lap again, stopping me from moving away and demanding my obedience

She smiled congenially and presented her hand. Decant took it and planted another chaste kiss on the back of it. “No, my good stallion, you have done nothing to offend me.”

A triumphant and smarmy smirk settled, and he tried to make some other witty and enthralling compliment, but she wouldn’t let him. Oh no, she wasn’t going to let this proceed at all.

Rarity’s smile never left her face, but her tone and eyes could have easily been substituted for liquid nitrogen in their efficiency in icing the wannabe-Don Juan’s spirit. I could just make out a very quiet and subtle cracking noise, and Rarity’s fingers on the other pony’s tightened by an almost imperceptible amount.

“You have, however, been exceedingly rude and disingenuous to my date.” She said the word like it was a gift given by the pony gods on high and therefore his behavior towards it the most wicked form of blasphemy. Sweat appeared on Decant's brow as she continued her lambasting.

“I do not know how your parents raised you but a proper gentlestallion does not try to steal away a special somepony like a devious thief in the night. Your actions are deplorable, your table manner repugnant, and you use much too much mousse in your mustache.” She brought her hand to her snout and turned her head like she’d smelled something rotten. “I declare, do you dunk your muzzle in a vat of it every morning, or are your insides so greasy that you only need to sweat it out?”

“M-Miss Rarity, I-”

“There is no miss for you, you hooligan in stud’s clothing! I wish for you to leave and never show you face again! You may send another waitstaff in you place, hopefully one that knows how to show all their guests the same and proper amount of respect!” She snapped her fingers and flicked them at him. “You are dismissed!”

I held back the surprised and yet evil smirk as the waiter paled, stammered out an apology, and then ran off with his tail literally between his legs. The ponies surrounding me quickly went back to their conversations, though I could easily speculate what their current subject matter was.

I turned to the queen who’d just given an unworthy serf twenty lashes and whistled appreciatively. “Fuck, Rare, I thought he was going to piss himself.”

She hmphed primly and flipped her hair back, her lip in a thin, neutral line. “A lady can only tolerate such rudeness for so long. For him to think that I would even consider…” She growled and then sunk her teeth into me, her barbed tongue finding fresh meat. “And you! What took you so long? Where was your normal ignorance of basic social etiquette?”

I blinked. First the mare pretends to flirt with the guy while she plays footsies with me and then she gets pissed when I didn’t immediately act like a jackass? Holy shit, what was with this female? If she was a human, I don’t think I would’ve lasted with her for even a day!

So why was I still here, then? Oh, right, her leg in my lap, that dress of hers, and the very clear and sharp twinkle in her eyes that stated, no, promised that I was not going to escape from her without a fight. And she would employ every dirty tactic in the book to ensure that it would not be an easy or swift one.

Fuck did this mare scare me (and the general) in all the wrong and right ways.

“Honestly? I didn’t want to ruin tonight for you. Half-expected if I just kept quiet, I couldn’t say anything stupid.”

Rarity’s frown deepened. She poked me in the stomach with her hoof. “And the other half?”

Her frown trembled and threatened to break as I dug my fingers into her toned calf again, running along the fetlock, feeling out the tension in her muscles. “What do you think?”

Her lips morphed into a slinky smile and she nickered happily as I continued to massage her leg under the table. “Fourth rule – a lady may not respect a stallion who is crude, but she respects even less one who does not defend her from foreign if charming conquerors.” With a rueful whine, Rarity pulled her leg back away from my grasp and leaned forward onto the table. She picked up her wine glass and swirled it, watching the liquid that matched her dress in color glimmer and cast crimson shadows.

“Do not be afraid to be aggressive sometimes when you want something, darling.” She brought the glass up to her lips and took a sip. Her eyes narrowed over the rim at me. “I certainly have no problem with it.”

…What a mare. I shook my head and chuckled. Rarity mirrored my action, her giggles still reaching me despite the ambient noise. They turned to a mellifluous croon when I reached out and took her free hand.

“Right now, I just want to enjoy my night out with a beautiful mare.”

She winked at me. “Good start. Now…” She turned to the stage, though she did not shake my hand from hers. The lights dimmed as she did, signaling the introduction to the play. “Try to pay attention to the show. There will be a quiz afterward to make sure you did so.”

“Will there be a prize if I do?”

I felt her hoof strum up my pants leg again. Her expression said more than her words ever could at that moment. It was a good enough promise for me.

I looked down at the package in my hands. I looked up at Rarity’s beaming and expectant face. I looked down again.

It looked harmless. It was wrapped in a sheet of white silk and tied with a purple ribbon in a very tasteful if complexly arranged bow. It wasn’t that heavy, not even a few pounds, and the contents were soft, giving to the touch, and melded in with the texture of the wrapping.

I assumed that it was another clothes bundle like the ones Rarity normally gave me when she finished a batch. However, they were never this formally presented, and she never watched me like a waiting puppy that had just brought back the best throwing stick ever. Hell, when she’d jumped me as soon as I entered her establishment, shoving the package into my arms and demanding I open it with the most pleased expression on her face, I half-expected it to be her magnum opus.

But the package was much too small to hold anything too elaborate. I would be surprised if it was anything larger than a basic shirt. Anything larger and there would be unseemly creases. Like Rarity would ever give wrinkles a chance to infect her work with an improper and haphazard folding form.

“Well?” she prodded, her hands clasped in front of her. “What are you waiting for, darling? Open it up and take a look! I’m positively brimming to know what you think!”

“…This isn’t going to explode in my face, is it?”

“Oh Nemo, I’m not like Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash. I wouldn’t dream of falling so low as to do that.” Her eyes narrowed. “Though you will find yourself in dire straits if you do not open this package right this instance.”

“Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on,” I muttered. Ignoring her gasp of ‘how rude!’, I tugged at one end of the bow until it loosened enough and allowed me to slip the item from out of its binding. Carefully unveiling the package, making sure to drop it and run if I saw or smelled even the hint of gunpowder, I opened it up to reveal its contents.

“Well, what do you think?” Rarity asked.

I was quiet for a moment. “It’s underwear, Rare. What am I supposed to think? It’s not like you haven’t made me these before.”

“Well it’s more than just one pair, you ignorant cad. Go on, purview the rest of them before you shake out any unknowing opinions.”

My deadpan expression did nothing to throw her off. She only continued with that same damning twinkle in her eye, the one that I knew could only spell trouble for my immediate future.

Finding that there was nothing me could do to excuse myself from this predicament, I acquiesced to her request and started to rifle through my newest collection of drawers.

They weren’t anything special – at least, nothing that would explain her dogged persistent to get me to rate them. Boxers with a checkerboard pattern, plain tighty whities, briefs that were a mix between the first two, a thong that would ride up my buttcrack something fierce.

…Another thong, this one a dark purple with a scarlet heart where my junk would rest.

And another pair of boxers, pink with the word ‘juicy’ boldly sprawled on the back.

Some briefs with a very (distressingly) familiar collection of jewels on one of the ass cheeks.

It devolved from there, a whole series of unmentionables that even I would be too ashamed to buy, handcrafted for me by a beautiful and elegant if wholly raunchy mare.

My head achingly tilted up, my cheeks pale and yet the tips of my ears a stark red. Rarity simply cocked her chin, one hand on a cheek while the other rested on her torso just below her breasts. Her smile hadn’t left her face, but it’d morphed into something more impish and enticing. She was just daring me to say something, anything, that would fit the mood of the situation.

I didn’t disappoint.

“Rarity, what. The. Fuck?” I almost had the tone down, my voice cracking on the last syllable like a desecrated stained-glass church window. A little more deep man-angry and less squealish woman-on-chair-avoiding-mouse next time, but ‘A’ for effort.

“Tut, tut, language,” she chastised, tapping a finger on my nose.

"Sorry, let me try again." I cleared my throat imperiously. My eyes went flat. "Rarity, what the everlasting fuck?"

"Must you be such a brute?"

“Then explain this!”

“Oh, did I get the sizes wrong?” She placed a finger to her lips and appeared deep in thought. Her ears flattened against her head, and her tail swayed to one side. “I thought I made them even closer to your exact measurements than before.”

That was not what I meant.

Rarity took my look to mean something else. Actually, no, she took it exactly as it was. She just wasn’t going to admit it. She rolled her eyes sheepishly and bit her lip. “Well… perhaps I took a few liberties with that region. It wouldn’t do to not give you the wiggle room you need if you were to find yourself in precarious times with a lady friend.”

Okay, now she was just fucking with me. Even more than usual.

“However…” She narrowed her eyes, making them more than just half-lidded. I felt tingly in all the wrong places as her magic took ahold of her measuring tape and drew it taught, the mare’s legs lightly clamping together. “I would be willing to rearrange for more ‘proper’ fitting if you find the size to be… inadequate?” Her eyebrows wiggled. “Perhaps over a light repaste?”

I opened my mouth for the greatest comeback ever to her overt teases and ceaseless sensual volleys against my god given masculinity. She would quake and tremble beneath the onslaught of my thunderous rage!

“You make me feel funny, Rarity, and I wish for you to stop before I do something I’ll regret.”

“Oh…?” She leaned forward, her loose shirt giving me the smallest glimpse of her lacy cream-colored bra. “And what would that be, my darling Nemo?”

“I’ll tattle to Celestia.”

She paused, clearly overtaken by my immutable defense. Her eyes searched mine for some manner out of the cage I’d trapped her in. There was nowhere she could run, nowhere she could hide from She Who Raised the Sun!

Now, how would she react to this? The ball was in her court, Madame!

Rarity laughed at my silliness and walked over to me, giving me a peck-nuzzle-combo on the cheek. “Oh, darling, never change. Though I am always ready for more from you if you ever desire to chance it.” With that, she spun on her hooves, her tail patting my chest in the process.

I sighed as she skipped back to her work, hips having that extra wiggle to them, looking for all the world a champion in her crusade to annihilate my mental fortitude.

Damn these ponies. I smiled and rubbed my cheek. Damn them all to heck.

There were fewer ways I could spend my evenings more pleasantly than walking on a moonlit path, the sharp, crisp breeze of the nighttime air chilling my skin, my only warmth the touch of a winsome mare sharing her arm with mine.

Rarity sure as hell beat that out. She had taken hold of my arm and hadn't let go ever since we’d left the dinner theatre, practically glued to my side like a barnacle. That she made every effort to keep as close to me as possible, even if it made walking difficult at times, only sweetened the deal.

Of course, she hadn't stopped babbling about the play the entire time either, but she was pretty and smelled good, so I'd let that pass. It definitely wasn't because of how adorably she squealed over the play like a giddy fangirl or how she just looked so happy running a nearly one-sided conversation with me. She hadn't even urged more than monosyllabic responses from me after the first few attempts! She really must've been in a good mood from the date, or the play was just that fantastic.

Not like I'd know - I'd been distracted the entire time through. Even though Rarity had insisted I pay attention to the stage, even teasing that she'd grill me later, that hadn't stopped her from playing footsies (hoofsies?) with me the entire three-hour presentation. How the mare could split her attention between following the actors, almost mirroring their lines word for word, daintily eating her several-course meal, and playfully rubbing her hooves up and down my legs underneath the table, easily keeping up with my pitiful resistance, I had no idea.

Her multitasking would make any millennial green with envy and bow at her hooves for guidance.

She would, of course, run with that worship for all its worth. I honestly wouldn't be surprised that, if the mare somehow found her way to my world, she'd create a cult that put her at the pinnacle of existence.

Right now, with her resting her head on my shoulder, plucking at my sleeve with her well-manicured fingers, and her full ruby lips ever-so-sinfully forming sentences, I wouldn't mind being one of her head priests, ready with the sacrificial wine.

Wow things went a bit weird there for a moment. Focus on something healthier, like the cute woman who was a little tipsy and making me feel all kinds of mush in the pit of my stomach.

"And Honest Wreath! Oh!" She kissed her fingers with a theatrical gasp. "She was absolutely perfect as Mon Petite. Didn't I think her fight scene with LongShore was just, ooo, tres bien?"

"Wait, was that the chick with the Christmas tree on her butt, or was she the one who clobbered that dude with a pineapple?" The whole play had been just one long string of non-sequiturs to me. It was like watching a clown car full of blind mimes crash into a Salvador Dali painting.

No, wait, that was the third act, second scene. Fuck was pony avant-garde confusing.

Rarity stopped in her ceaseless chatter and stared at me, her eyes flat. "Darling, were you even watching the play? Clearly she was the mare representing the juxtaposition of societal standards and courtly ideals in a cruel and stallion-driven world."

"So she was the pineapple chick, got it."

She sighed and put a hand to her face, shaking her head with all the gravity of a person who had stared into the eyes of uncultured Neanderthals and was not thrilled by what she found. "Nemo, we must work more on elevating your artistic integrity. Clearly you have been deprived of good taste for far too long."

I shrugged. "I don't know, that earth pony with the brush did a good job of emulating the removal of trash from our civilization's underbelly."

"That was during intermission and he was the stage cleaner."

"And he did a great job of it!"

Rarity took one look at my goofy grin and gave a small, annoyed sigh of disgust. Ha, score one for me. She was about to say something else when a strong gust of wind swept over the two of me. She shivered and pulled herself closer to me. I felt the goosebumps form underneath her ivory fur and saw the minute chattering of her teeth.

Figuring me might as well put Rarity's gift to better use that dangling on my weakass frame, I shifted her aside so I could take my jacket off and smoothly draped it over her shoulders. Rarity seemed surprised at first, her mouth slightly agape at my rare show of chivalry, but she quickly recovered and snuggled back into my arm. She hooked a curl of her mane back and glanced up at me, her blue eyes piercing through her dark lashes.

"Well, perhaps we can make a gentlestallion of you yet."

"Don't hold your breath, I think you squeezed out any good manners I might've had left."

She slapped my chest playfully. I chuckled at her stern expression, the sound drifting away as I felt her tail wrap itself around my leg. She quickly became very demure and very enticing. I looked away and cleared my throat.

"So! In case I still have something left, what would a gentleman do in this situation?"

"Well, he would walk me to my door, wish me a good night, and maybe, just maybe..." Rarity rested her head more on me. Her horn scraped along my sleeve, drawing a trail of fire on my skin. "He might be rewarded for such gallant behavior."

Feeling a bit more brazen, I drew my finger down her bare arm. "Oh? And what kind of reward might that be?" Hey, if she was going to flirt with me even more after all she did, I wasn't just going to lie back and take it. I would get some parting shots in before she sunk me.

After I had been routed by both Pinkie and Fluttershy, I was waiting for Rarity to make her move. I wasn't going to get screwed over this time!

She hummed, pursing her lips. "I suppose you'll just have to wait and see~" The corners of her mouth looked more like something her cat, Opal, would make after devouring yet another helpless canary and washing it down with a pint of cream.

I decided to shut up and bide my time. I needed all the strength I could muster to withstand the inevitable assault Rarity would unleash upon my manhood and sanity.

The two of me talked about pointless things until we arrived at her place. When Rarity stopped, stepping onto her welcome mat, she untwined herself from me, but it became quickly apparent she wasn’t done yet. She hadn’t even released my arm for a moment before she snaked her arms around my neck and pulled me close. I laughed softly at her expectant expression.

“I guess I was a good boy?”

“Mm, passable,” she smirked. “I did have a lovely time, but there’s always something to improve on.”

My hands found their way onto her hips. “I thought it was more than adequate since I didn’t end up slugging that waiter.” The feelings he evoked in me when he flirted with Rarity (my date) weren’t something I’d soon forget… or want to dwell too long on. Damn but were these mares making me all kinds of confused and emotional!

“Mayhaps you are correct…” She leaned up, her horn tapping against my forehead. “I admit I found you more than a little studly when you defended my honor so passionately. Perhaps your brutish nature would be acceptable in such circumstances.”

“Yeah?” My head dipped further down. All I saw were her eyes, deep pools of dark, almost purplish, blue that shined hypnotically in the moonlight, and her crimson-moistened lips, looking much too irresistible to not taste. I might've been a little tipsy, too. “And how about these circumstances?”

She hummed. Her breath, warm and moist on my lips, smiled spicy and sweet. The tips of Rarity’s fingers scratched at the back of my neck, tangling themselves in my hair. “I think this little doggy deserves a treat.” Her head tilted so that she had better access, and she pulled me in without resistance.

And then she kissed me.

She wasn’t hungry like Pinkie, she wasn’t timid like Fluttershy. Rarity kissed me like a woman kissed a man, like a lover kissed their other half after a long time apart, like a damsel rewarded the valor of her appointed and daring knight.

She kissed me like a lady.

My eyes drifted shut, savoring the moment. The moment stretched to two then a few then several. Rarity’s mouth moved over mine, searching but not invading. The pressure was firm but not overwhelming. She nibbled on my upper lip but made no move to anything rougher. Finally, it ended, and I opened my eyes.

I felt like I was punch-drunk. It had been nice, very nice. I didn’t know how ponies viewed this kind of thing, but I’d kissed or been kissed by three different mares in as many days. And if the future dates were going to be like this, I would’ve certainly earned me place in hell back home.

“Wow,” I said in a daze. An honest smile was loose on my face.

Rarity, however, did not look as pleased. Her eyes were narrowed, her lip bit in ire, her cheeks puffed out in a pout. I froze. Oh shit, what could I have possibly done now? Was I not supposed to have kissed her? I knew she was the master of mixed messages, but I thought she couldn’t have been clearer if she had guided me in with airport runway lights!

“No, no, no!” she cried, lightly pounding her fists on my chest. "This wasn't at all how it was supposed to go!"

I panicked. "Rare, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Where's the forcefulness, the blunt passion, the spark that makes my heart race? This isn't at all how a cur like you is supposed to act!" She growled, a displeased 'mrowl' clawing its way out of her throat between hiccupping whinnies. "You were supposed to ravish me until I was naught but putty in your strong arms, not cuddle me!"

My eyebrows raised in confused tandem. “…What?”

I felt the tale-tell sign of magic, like warm static electricity, around the cuffs of my shirt. Blue suffused the articles and led my hands to her rear, her buttocks neatly fitting into my palms.

“Squeeze,” Rarity growled again. Her eyes were on fire.

“…huh?”

“Squeeze!”

I squeezed. Her butt was tight and firm and yet with just the right amount of bounce to it. It felt just like her legs had, taut and tender, only a million times better, perfectly curving to my hands so I got a nice heaping helping of it. I could feel her muscles spring against my fingers as they nearly lifted her off her hooves. The growl melted into pleased, decadent purrs and coos, though the flames in her eyes did not die out, only alter into some other form of passion.

"Much better, you cad. Oh!" She placed the back of her hand to her forehead and almost collapsed in my arms, only my game of grab-ass keeping her up. "Whatever is a lady to do? Grabbed by this debauched ruffian, forced to fulfill his every salacious desire!"

"I don't-"

Rarity yanked my head down. "Oh shut up and kiss me, my dear."

She did not kiss like a lady this time.

Maybe it was her warmth, her smell, her taste, the feeling of her tongue vigorously searching for my own, the fact I was just a teeny bit drunk or just the tiniest bit horny after having some of the strangest foreplay in my life, but something snapped inside me. A conglomeration of volatile emotions, simmering and burbling hormones, and thousands of years of feral predator instincts kicked into overdrive. Before I even knew it, I had the smaller mare pinned against her front door with her literally lifted off the ground as I encompassed her frame, a single leg of hers hooked around my waist to keep her supported while I cradled her.

My lips were going to be hella bruised and sore after this, especially with the way she was pulling on them with her teeth. The hardened keratin at the ends of her fingers ran furrows down my back and I knew that even with the layers of clothing, I was going to have lots of war trophies left over. In return, it was going to be hard for her to sit for a while, especially with the way I was roughly fondling her ass with one hand underneath her dress.

Side note – with the way I was only feeling bare bottom, either Rarity had gone commando or thong for our date. Not sure what was overheating my engines quicker. What was definitely overheating hers was when I instinctively dove to suck and nip at her throat if her passionate whinnies and neighs were anything to go by.

You ever hear lustful laughter mixed with overjoyed playfulness? It is such a turn-on.

After what seemed like an eternity, Rarity popped her lips from me and smiled rakishly. Her face was flushed, her hair in disarray. Her lipstick was smeared and a bit of masacara down ran from her eyes. Her lips were puffed and her eyes wild and moist. And she didn’t seem to give a single flying fuck.

As my thoughts slowly came back to me, I suddenly realized I’d just pinned Rarity – Rarity of all mares – against the front of her house and figuratively, and quite possibly literally, smooched her brains out.

She certainly had smooched out mine.

Okay, so obviously I had just failed some bullshit test of character to see if I wouldn’t molest a very pretty and flirtatious mare like a deviant. Clearly, if there was a pony hell, I’d just earned my own personal slice of it. Pony-Beelzebub had a pony devil set aside for me. I wondered if they were as big on pitchforks here as they were back home.

Rarity interrupted my internal damnation, her lips turned up. She swirled a fingertip on the back of my neck. “Fifth rule, darling.” With each breath of wisdom, she stole another kiss. “Sometimes a lady. Likes to be taken. Rapaciously. By her stallion. Not handled. Like fine china.” She giggled at my dumb expression and pecked my nose. “Oh, did I do something odd? I did say that your pugnaciousness was quite enjoyable at times.” Rarity’s eyes sparkled as she waited for me to answer, lovingly suckling on my bottom lip.

We’re sorry. We are not here at the moment. Your brain has been transported to technical support for routine maintenance. Please call back later or leave a message after the [BEEP].

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUU-

Rarity giggled again and patted my cheek. “Let me down now. We’ve had our fun tonight. Best we not ruin it by pushing too far too quickly.”

Well, that was complete and utter bullshit. Especially when she didn’t stop me from kissing her this time and getting a good grope in.

Unfortunately for the general, I did eventually let go of her, though I was clearly justified in being reluctant about it. She still rewarded me with another prolonged but sweeter kiss and then skimmed into her home. Rarity closed the door just enough for me to see her face, the rest of her body covered by my jacket. She smiled fondly at me, her face red from top to bottom beneath her alabaster coat.

“Good night, Nemo. I had a wonderful time.”

“Uh, what about my jacket,” I said absently. There was still a big disconnect in my brain between what had just happened and reality. I must’ve had the dopiest look on my face.

“Oh, I think I’ll keep it.” Rarity brought the jacket closer around her, nuzzling her face in and taking a deep whiff. “It will keep me warm and give me some… good fuel for dreams.” Absently, her whole body shivered and a nervous whinny escaped her. She wiggled her fingers. “Tata~!” The door clicked soundlessly after her.

I just stood there like a puppet with all its strings cut. Then, without any command from my brain, my feet marched me off to my home. I didn’t even realize I was back until I collapsed face first onto my couch, the lumpy cushions greeting me warmly and with minor asbestos inhalation. I put my finger to my lips and brought them back with the addition of red smeared across them, a reminder of Rarity’s mark. My hand involuntarily tightened and then released, that endless ripple of hers still sunk into my flesh.

Just… what the fuck? Why…?

I wasn’t going to win this. This was just a war I was going to lose… badly. Just accept that I was going to be conquered, divvied up, and hung above a mantle next to the other stuffed heads of those poor bastards that had the misfortune of wandering in front of a fat Englishman with a bore rifle.

And as if to seal this damnation, another one of Twilight’s scrolls conflagrated above I and bounced off my head, rolling onto the floor. I groaned, not wanting to give it the satisfaction, but figured that there was nothing more I could to deny my accursed fate.

I opened it and read.

“I hope you enjoyed your time with Rarity! I was a bit concerned with the play that she planned on taking me to (Dense Phrase’s work is an acquired taste even by most post-impressionists’ standards), but she insisted that she would force you into the light of enculturation even by just a little bit. Frankly, you could use a little polishing in that regard, even if it was a bit heavy-handed. Still, I’m certain that you had some fun even if you would never admit it to anyone, not even yourself.”

There was a small drawing of Twilight blowing a raspberry at me in the margins. Fucking alicorn, how did she keep figuring this stuff out?

“Your next date will be tomorrow in the late morning. She will be at your house to pick you up around then. Make sure to wear some outside clothes, preferably something light that will allow you to move around easily in. You’ll probably be sweating profusely by the end of it, so take care to stay hydrated! Till after again!

With love,
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Dating (Just Kidding, That’s Cadence’s Thing)
xOxO”

…I needed a nap.

Dragging myself down the hall, I threw myself onto my bed without even bothering to take off any of clothes or even my shoes. It would take too much energy to do so. It would also take more energy than I wanted to waste shifting a foot to the left to grab the pillow so my neck wouldn’t wake up with a godforsaken crick.

Wait, hadn’t I also left my casual clothes at Rarity’s? Was I ever going to get those back?

…Ah, fuck it.

I soon fell asleep to dreams of backless dresses, exploding pineapples, and mares who were much too sexy and squeezable for their own good.

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

Rarity chapter done. God, was this a doozy - SO MUCH TALKING. The first time I had more characters other than the main pairing - AND IT BLOATED UP SO QUICKLY. Eh, still fun though; Rarity's vocabulary and manner of speech was a blast. And yes, she is a [BLEEP]ing tease. Don't know why but I keep coming up with 'lady in the streets, freaks between the sheets' vibes with her.

...I think porn may have corrupted me too much.

In other, sadder news, this chapter has a taken a lot out of me, for length if nothing else. Because of that, there will more than likely be an extra week delay before the next chapter comes out. Sorry, but I don't want to burn myself out. Hopefully this chapter will sate you for a while. In any case, enjoy!

Till next time; criticisms appreciated!

Prepare for Possible Conflict

"You must expect for there to be arguments when in a herd. This is not a bad thing. In fact, rubbing your herdmates’ fur the wrong way is a testament to your bonds as long as it is not taken too far. It shows that you are close enough to affect their emotions, that they think enough of you to respond to your beliefs and actions. The true enemy of Harmony is not Chaos, it is the absence of anything. Apathy is a herd’s greatest foe, and you must be willing to fight to show that you belong. Prepare for a fight, whether you start it or it is brought to you. Besides, makeup rutting is the best kind of rutting."

When I was first translocated to crazy magical horseland, I didn’t know what to expect.

Well, I didn’t expect to end up in crazy magical horseland but it was a bit too late to try and hold onto that expectation. Dashed dreams later, binge drinking now (…and later).

Then there was the whole introduction to my new ‘neighbors.’ Butter pone was nice and quiet enough, spackle sparkle was okay in small (very small) doses, and eldritch horse was good as long as you didn’t stare into her crystal-blue eyes that promised unending eternity and streamers and cupcakes…

B̟̜̯̤̰̻̜ͯͪeͯ̃́͂ͪͯ̌͏͎̩̼̥̫̪͔e̮ͭͭ͆̊ͫ̕ ̢͎̦͈͎͑c̥̲̙̝̈́̌̏̏̋͗u̟̬̙̥̽̄͛ͫ̓̂̚͝z͕ ̈̎̔ͬ͏p̯͈ͮ́͌ͣͣ͗ͩa̴̾͌ȓ̻̳̼ͧ ̠̗̳͍͙̾̓̑̉͜t̻͙̬͎͚̲̮͌̊̈́ͪ͠y̪̤̯ͅ ̨̹͖̼̠̅h̗̰̮͍͈̬̟̐͋ͫ̌o̱̣͓̭̞͚̓ͯ̅̔͛ͬe̜͎̗̹̫̪̝̅̃̾ͯ̓́r̼sͩͦ̿̈́ ̬̰̯̥̓̃̃ͥ̚s͏̠̞t̀ͨ̑̆̑҉å̜̯̟̬͉ͦ̕r̮͙̥̼̩ͤ͗̈́ͮͫ ̹͖̀̍͝e̺̰̥̱̐̀ṡ̐͡ ̅ͨ͗̈ͯ͐҉̙͚̞͎į̆͌n̢̥͉͎̞͚̩ͅt̫̙̜͙̘̬͔͟o̞̖̳̖̽̂̎͜ͅͅ ͦͤ̆̅ͥ͆͏̮̼ŭ̥̤̩͙,̺̦͔̜̇̀͑̑̌ ̳̭͇̋͂ͤ̀ͭ͞ͅs͙̻̜̜̜̼̐̎̃́ǐ͍͉̙̠l̘̰̥ͯ͜ľ̟̌͂ͭ̌yͪͬ̋̋ ͈̺̳̖ͩͮ͝ḃ͂͏̜i̵͙͔̖͎̖͉̽̃̃l̶ͯ ̄l̮y̬ͬ̋̈ͯͅ…̫̦͙̟̳̞̝̒͂͋̊̉̐

Anyway! Introductions. Ponies. Being accosted by said introduced ponies.

Wait, one of these didn’t belong.

“…just know I’m keeping an eye on you, monkey!”

The hovering blue pegasus made gestures with her fingers, first pointing at her eyes than at me. I assumed she was trying to be intimidating, what with the whole spiel about her taking me down in ten seconds flat and something about an orbital rainbow strike (like what…?), but it was hard to take her threats with any kind of credibility when she was half my size, fluffed up like a long-haired cat put through a dryer’s extra-long tumble cycle, and color-colored just so fabulously!

Ew, I could taste the gay just by thinking that. Moving on.

I had been walking with Fluttershy around the border of the Everfree, the shy pegasus apparently my new keeper/bodyguard since I’d mysteriously dropped in the day before. Or at least I think that’s what she was doing. She’d just sorta appeared from nowhere while I was meandering about while trying to figure out my new temporary surroundings, apologized repeatedly and at great length for freaking me out (damn ninja pones), and then quietly followed me around, occasionally pointing out things I shouldn’t touch or go near on the outskirts of the death forest.

Just what evolutionary choices were made to give birth to a tentacle plant-beast? Japan would be so proud. And perverts. Alllll the perverts.

My guided tour was cut short when this Rainbow character came zooming in and began threatening me with all sorts of bodily harm if I even tried to take over Ponyville with my evil monkey ways (like, way racist pony). I scoffed at the idea of it all. Bitch, ain’t nobody got time for world conquest. The paperwork required for the bureaucracy alone would be a slow death by infinite paperwork and coffee stains.

I blinked, turned to Fluttershy, who was doing her best to stare the ground into submission (and doing a fairly good job of it), and pursed my lips. “So… is this, like, normal? Like does Crayola here just go around threatening every new person that just pops up?”

“Hey, that thing with Zecora was only once!”

Oh good, so there was precedence for her behavior. Awesome. Also, Zecora? Did that mean that there were others with actual non-retarded names that didn’t fit into some inane naming (and often pony-themed) scheme? Wait, that just meant they probably weren’t from Equestria. Sounded pretty foreign to me.

Wait, was that racist, er, speciest?

…eh, borderline.

“I mean, you appeared from the Everfree! There’s all kinds of dangerous creatures that come from there! And you’re not like anything from around here!”

“I appeared near the Everfree, big difference. Also, doesn’t Flutters live right on the edge, too?”

“U-um, F-Flutters?”

Fluttershy was still beating that wicked soil with her lazer eyes, but I could tell that her focus was mainly on me. Even from the short time I’d known her, I could tell she was a very fidgety and flighty (ha, pegasus puns) soul. The fact she’d directly asked me something meant… something.

I put a hand to the back of my neck. “Uh, yeah, bit of a nickname. Sorry, too forward?” Shit, did I already break some taboo? I didn’t want to end up in pony jail!

“N-no! Um, it’s a-alright with me, um, m-mister Nemo!” For a brief moment, her eyes appeared from behind her curtain of a mane and a small, soft smile followed.

“Heh, okay then.”

Rainbow flitted between I and Fluttershy. Apparently not liking the fact that she was being ignored, she flew up to me and poked me in the chest, her cheeks flared out in a vicious pout. “Hey! Don’t you ignore me!”

Called it.

“I’m serious! No one ignores Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria and number one mare!”

“Whatever you say, Skittles,” I cooed condescendingly, reaching a head up to coarsely ruffle her short, already messy mane. Huh, I wondered if her hair tasted like the candy. Pinkie’s tasted like cotton candy.

…No, I wasn’t going to elaborate on how I knew that. Now let me focus on now not tasting the rainbow fuck shit damnit my head hurt.

“Stop that!” she squawked, slapping my hand away. “Don’t treat me like a foal! I’m the only one to successfully perform a Sonic Rainboom! And I did it twice!”

“I have no idea what those words mean,” I said plainly. “Hey, Flutters, is that supposed to be impressive?”

“Oh! Um! I-it really is! Rainbow goes really fast and t-then there’s this b-big, scary explosion and she makes this huge r-rainbow and it makes everypony go ‘w-woohoo!’” Fluttershy ‘explained’ with small jumping motions and aimless waving of her arms, her ears and wings copying her shaky movements.

Oh god this was the cutest thing ever. I just wanted to shove her into, just, like... just the pinkest, girliest, most bedazzled cheerleader outfit and have her go ‘woohoo’ as hulking brutes gave each other long-lasting brain trauma over the skinned and tanned carcass of a pork sandwich.

“Huh, neat. Well that sounds amazing and all, but I’m supposedly some interdimensional alien traveler that crossed the borders of space, time, void, chaos, and whatever the hell else is out there in the darkest reaches of the ether… and Flutters wrestled a bear, which is, like, the manliest thing any self-respecting potato drinker can do… and they are the manliest.” I glanced back at Fluttershy. “Seriously, Flutters, you’re just like… the best.”

I smiled. “Also, Harry is best bear.”

“…yay.”

Adorable. Also, I may have still been a little drunk because I normally wasn't this talky... or catty... or as smug a bitch.

If Rainbow could blow her cheeks out even more, they would have consumed her entire head. That was some impressive pouting right there. Luckily for me, I had dealt with enough pouting children (and ‘adult’ customers) in my many, many retail jobs and family reunions, and knew exactly how to diffuse the situation.

“Boop.”

Rainbow’s muzzle scrunched up as I prodded it with a single outstretched finger, her puffiness deflating and concaving like she’d just shoved an entire lemon in her mouth. It was quick and effective and succeeded 99% of the time in shutting up whining shitbags with more time on their hands then sense but man did it cause a high turnover. Bosses did not like my out-of-the-box customer service methods. Hah! Showed them! I never had one customer complaint put on my permanent record!

I usually cut my losses and ran before it became official but it still counted!

Rainbow glared at the invasive appendage, her dour looks promising I was gonna lose that finger. Joke’s on her, sucker, I still had nine left! Fear the boops and my lack of survival instincts when I was intent on pissing people off! Fear it!

...Yup, I was still drunk. Christ, how much alcohol had I consumed in the last twelve hours? I had a bad feeling it would be better to measure it in 'kiddie-pool' size than cups... liters... gallons.

Fuck was the hangover going to suck after this. Uncle Ivan would be so proud, right before the cops arrived.

…My family was weird, naming schemes notwithstanding.

The silence lasted forever and a half until Fluttershy’s terrified squeaks and whines broke my standoff with the cyan pony. Rainbow’s eyes twitched men quick succession. She took a deep breath, held it, appeared like she was considering the pros and cons of my violent and well-deserved dismemberment, and then let it go. When she spoke again, her raspy voice was low and steady.

“Don’t think this is over. I’m gonna prove to you why no one messes with Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy, if this monkey does anything, tell me. I’ll beat his plot before he even knows what’s happened.”

“O-oh, I don’t think that’d be n-necessar- o-okay!” Fluttershy squealed when Rainbow shot her a look.

Rainbow focused back on me, her hands on the neckline of my shirt. She pulled me close. Huh, surprisingly strong for such a small bundle of fluff and feathers. “Ya got that, monkey? You mess up and Dash’ll be there to clean you up.”

Inability to read the room don’t fail me now. “Whatever you say, Rainbow Tie Dye.”

She growled. She let go of me. With a burst of color and a couple small, blue feathers, she was gone. I glanced at the yellow pegasus.

“Soo… on a scale from one to ohgodno, how screwed am I?”

“It’s a-alright! Rainbow is a really sweet filly when you, um, get to know her! She w-won’t do anything too r-rash… right?” Fluttershy couldn’t keep eye contact with my disbelieving expression and resumed her fierce, deadly battle with the ground. Her face slipped back behind her mane and her fingers twitchingly played with themselves.

I sighed.

Welp.

Alright, zero hour was upon me. A new day had dawned and I was ready for the impending, calamitous wave of debauchery that would crash on my awaiting shores. Three mares down, three to go. And thank god, two of them were the ones I was the least worried about.

Considering I was going to actually doing exercise if Spergle’s letter was truthful (and she hadn’t exactly lied yet the conniving, autistic filly), that meant that it was down to either the pride parade or cowpone. Like Twilight would ever be seen doing anything that would make her sweat. Seriously, if she was human, she’d be the sort of pasty that would blind lesser mortals and burn to a crispy brown underneath the setting sun.

And if she was going to be my date for the day... Ohhhh, sweet summer foal, something was going to break and it wasn’t going to be me.

But no, it was most likely going to be one of the other two, which was fine in my book. Rainbow was a total bro, the next closest thing I had to a guy friend in this crazy pastel world, and Applejack, despite some of her rustic quirks, was the most emotionally stable of the six (Ponyville, too, for that matter).

Course, that meant that I likely was going to be the one to have a few random odds and ends snap off, but, eh, I’d had enough emotional damage to last a lifetime lately. It wouldn’t hurt to get some bodily harm to balance everything out.

Wow, I was really taking this whole ‘dating the six closest ponies I had to best friends’ in stride. Compared to the last few dozen hours when I half expected to start punching pones just because they were totally looking at me funny, I felt a lot more… mellow.

You know, after a good night’s sleep, fresh shower, artery clogging breakfast, and the depressurizing aftereffects common to a mild stress breakdown, maybe my brain had finally decided to play ball.

No, really, I legitimately felt much looser and calmer than I had for the last few days. Maybe it was the idea that I’d be out and about today, sweating out enough tension that I wouldn’t be able to freak out. Maybe it was because this Hell Week was already half over, I was over the hump, and I only had to survive a little longer before I was put to rest in a shallow grave.

In all honesty, it was probably because my brain had finally readjusted to the insanity that had been getting pumped into it and now was able to reset to factory defaults. I think, after the endless smut assault from Pinkie and Rarity (and yes, even Fluttershy, bless her adorable timid heart), any and all large chunks of caring had been severed from my psyche, leaving me purified and empty. Their flirtations had only made me stronger – like a deadly virus had infected me, my empathy had been burned away from the fever that scorched my barren soul.

Gaze upon the Badlands and weep for its hollow and lifeless plains, for it is the domain upon which I cultivate my fucks.

Now I was finally back in my natural habitat. Translucent, apathetic, with a dead-eyed stare that would make fish green with envy. No mare would turn my cheeks red, no filly would make my heart go doki-doki, the shitposters of yore flowed through my veins!

Face the deadpan of mankind and tremble before the inalienable wrath of his- ohgodlightboltrightuptheass!

You ever get the crack of my ass hammered by a rattail? The kind perfectly dampened and twisted so as to give the greatest amount of impact on the smallest area? I have! I went to high-school and was at the mercy of jocks just like everyone else!

Oh heavenly sweet baby Jesus this was so much worse! Like Odin, Zeus, and Raijin slapped me across the cheeks with the biggest middle finger.

As I broke the record for highest standing vertical jump, making a noise not unlike a cat in heat getting shoved into a blender and slapping my hands to my electricity-roasted cheeks, the sound of raspy laughter trickled into my ears.

Laughter that was very familiar. Laughter that promised much suffering in my near future. Laughter that was right behind me.

In my home.

My home where the doors were locked and windows were shut tight.

Someone gonna die tonight.

I didn’t even pause as I fell back to the floor and, in a smooth twist of my body, grabbed a pillow from off my couch and flung it with the fury of a thousand butthurt fanboys. The laughter died with a ‘pomf’ as my glorious missile struck true right in the invader’s scrunchy muzzle, a surprised squawk replacing it.

“Eat downy, hellacious beast!”

“Dude, you don’t have to be such a foal. It was just a prank!”

“Fucking hell, Skittles, what have I told you about breaking into my house?” I continued rubbing at my ass, my shorts surprisingly not charred. “And shocking me, right, that too.”

The magenta eyes of one Rainbow Dash narrowed men pensive thought, framed by the miniature thundercloud floating by her head. Her eyes widened and she slammed one fist into the other’s palm. “That I’m not as bad as Pinkie but I’m getting there!”

I snapped a finger out and opened my mouth but couldn’t find anything to say. Okay, yeah, I had said that. Rainbow just liked to crack open a missed window to sneak in and surprise me. I didn’t know how Pinkie got in sometimes… or how she left.

Shaking off thoughts of non-Euclidean geometry and senseless pink bakers, I looked my new tormenter of the day up and down. Her cocky, smarmy grin immediately wormed its way through my guard. Yup, same old Dashie alright. I sighed and quirked my lips. “So, you’re my friendship warden this time? Should I go get the fire extinguisher in preparation?”

Rainbow snickered again and gave her pet thundercloud a punch, dissipating the meteorological phenomenon like it was a red-headed stepchild in the 80s. How had she even gotten the bloody thing through a window anyhow? Wait, she was talking – pay attention now, consider stupid parameters of this world later.

“…and stallion, the look on your face! But yeah, if you mean I’m taking your doughy flank on a date, then yup!”

I snorted. “And what do you plan on doing? Gonna make me watch you do stunts and rate them?”

“Nah…” she waved off. “We can do that kind of horseapples any day. Today, we’re going to the park and we’re gonna get some exercise done!”

My eyebrow raised. “Wait, we’re just gonna go to the park and sweat? How is that any different from the hundred other times you tried to drag me out? And what makes you think you’re gonna be any more successful this time?”

Rainbow had been distressingly adamant about getting my chunky butt back into shape. Something about already having too many friends who viewed sweating as a sign of great despair.

…I was pretty sure I knew who she was talking about, and yeah, they could use a little more work. Didn’t mean I had to bear the brunt of their karmic backlash! So why couldn’t I just kick Rainbow out and relock everything… like my usual means of dealing with her?

“Because the egghead said this was supposed to be a date! And you’re not nearly a big enough jerk to try and blow me off after you already went out with the others.”

Damn it.

“So, the date is just an excuse?”

She grinned and stuck out her tongue.

Double damn it.

I sighed. “Seriously, Dash, sometimes I wonder if you even know what a date is. Thought you’d be wringing this chance for all its worth to screw with me.”

“H-hey! I’ve gone on plenty of dates before! Dozens, hundreds, gallons of dates! The stallions swarm all over me! I’m drowning in all the c-c-cock!”

And there was the stuttering mess I was waiting to see when I brought up her romantic exploits. Rainbow was as big a tomboy as one could get in pony society. Even with all the hippy-dippy, touchy-feely nature of pones, Rainbow always went out of her way to be as rough and tumble as possible. She had nearly as much energy as Pinkie, but laser-focused to an absurd degree when it came to sports, flying, or any form of kinetic motion. If there was a chance to prove her superiority and have some kind of fun in the process, she wouldn’t hesitate to dive into the middle of a blossoming stormcloud that most rational people wouldn’t touch with a lightning-proofed ten-foot pole to show ‘buck yeah, muh superior pegasus wingpower.’

Add onto the fact that she drank like a Russian-Irish mule, cursed like a sailor in the redlight district, and was prone to more fist-fights than, well, me at times, and you ended up with a verified bro-in-arms in the guise of a tiny-tot pegasus that looked like she’d gotten pinned on the backend of a kindergartener’s art project.

Seriously, the crap I got into with this woman would turn most dudes’ face white… then green, red, blue, and any other assortment of colors a human could reasonably make as their minds spun through the plethora of emotions at our insanity. Rainbow was just an awesome kind of gal-pal, and the time I did spend with her was great.

Of course, her tough mare exterior came crashing down whenever I brought any of her dating exploits. Rainbow, well… was abrasive to say the least. And that was apparently something not well-liked in a mare. Any of her stories she’d be willing to tell under the haze of alcohol usually left my sides busting at her naivety and churlishness in equal parts. Apparently being a shoo-in for the Wonderbolts didn’t matter when her date was turned off by her inability to stop mixing boasts with awkward-as-hell pick-up lines/compliments.

So of course I used it as ammo to mess with her. What goodly friend wouldn’t?

The thin line between her lips as she scowled at my impending laughter told I that I didn’t even have to say anything to tease her. I cut myself off with a small snort and cleared my throat. “Whatever you say, Dash.”

She harrumphed and crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t be slamming me too much when you can barely get off your couch.” She put a hand to her chin and leaned over, examining my backside. “Looks like that jump of yours was the biggest bit of working out you’ve done in a while.”

“Hey, I’m at a perfectly respectable weight for my race and height.” At least in America, home of the deep-fried Oreo-encrusted Twinkie.

“Don’t know about that,” she drawled, an impish smirk rising to her lips. “Looking a bit doughy round the hips there. Trying to give Twilight a run for her money?”

“Checking my ass out, are we?”

She grinned further. “Kinda hard not to. When I pranked ya, it was all but impossible not to see all that mass jiggle. Buck, big guy, I’ve seen earth ponies with less junk than you.”

Ow, now that hurt. I tried to surreptitiously check myself out. You’d think with a new all-vegetarian diet, I’d lose some of that extra baggage I’d been carrying around. Then again, eating right alone wouldn’t help if I couldn’t stop sitting on my ass.

But… but crappy sitcoms and B-movies!

I glanced over at Rainbow. “And you think you’re in perfect shape?”

“Hey, I’m the perfect picture of fit!” she crowed proudly, standing tall and proud, basking in my salty jealously.

I couldn’t disagree with her there. Rainbow was the paragon of healthy fitness. Shorter than even Pinkie by several inches, the tips of her ears barely reached up my chest but every inch of her miniscule frame rolled with toned muscles. Wearing only matching black spats and sports bra (did she even need that, she didn’t have any tits to speak of) and a Wonderbolts-theme windbreaker, Rainbow looked like she was ready to run a marathon and blast past the competition.

She had the normal thin layer of fat and plush fur that was inherent to all pegasi (it got chilly as shit in the upper atmospheres), but it wasn’t nearly enough to hide the muscled view that bared itself to me. Despite how she hardly weighed anything at all, I very much doubted she couldn’t twist me into a pretzel if she had half-a-mind to. All of this meant that she was more or less flat as a board in pretty much all aspects, but she did have a cute and taut tush that did present itself whenever she lazily floated about.

It was a bit of a strange juxtaposition to her face. While the rest of her bod was firm and stronk, her facial structure was very childish by most pony standards. There were soft curves and somewhat puffy chub around her cheeks. It only made her pouting storms even more hilarious.

…Okay, yeah, I had to admit that I was pretty much cold crap compared to the mare. Didn’t mean I was going to make her aware of it. It did mean I was going to open my big mouth and stick my foot into it, though, because damn it, what else was I going to do? Be mature?

Fuck that shit!

“Ha! I’ll show you who’s fit! After today, you’ll have to crawl away when I show ya who’s better!”

Her smile became toothy. “That’s the spirit! I promise I won’t be too hard on ya. Can’t let you whine to the others that I broke the big, poor human.”

“You know, it’s a good thing I have a thing against hitting women.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Okay, yeah, so I’d smack a bitch.”

“Dude! Don’t hurt yourself! That’s not the answer to being such a dweeb!”

“…fuck you, Rainbow.”

She laughed and walked over to me, slugging me on the shoulder. It didn’t hurt, not at all.

…I wasn’t crying, damn it!

“C’mon, big guy, let’s get ya whipped into shape. I’ll make you the studliest stud muffin you’ve ever seen. You’ll have all the mares all over ya!”

“Oh, gonna give me some tips?”

“Hey, I’m a mare, right? Even if you won’t stop giving me crap for it! I think I know a little something about what we want.”

“Even if it’s completely obvious you don’t know what guys want?”

“Okay, seriously, if you keep talking me’m gonna zap ya again. And this time it’s not gonna be on the plot…” Her tone lowered men pitch. “Though it sure as Luna’s tits gonna be in the same area.” She grinned at my involuntary shudder from her veiled threat to the general.

“…you’re a good friend, Rainbow Dash.” I meant that.

She beamed. “I wouldn’t be the element of loyalty if I wasn’t! Now come on! We’ve gotta get you outta the house if you’re gonna have even a chance of getting fit!” Rainbow put her hands to my shoulder and shoved, nudging me to the front door.

It was slow-going with me capriciously resisting her at every turn and step. She recognized my pitiful resistance for what it was, and her grin only grew as she gained inch by inch, my sneakers starting to squeak on the wooden floor near the front door as her hooves clacked dully, like hard rubber.

Eventually we did make it to the door, though I made a complete show of struggling to open it while Rainbow shoved against me even harder. Her hands were wandering all over my back, pushing and poking to break my concentration and make it easier to get my slow ass out. Hell, there were even a couple times she swatted my butt (right on the scorch mark damn her). Her breathy chuckles at my yelps did wonders to strengthen my resolve.

Alas, the dread smol pegasus finally managed to (figuratively) carry me out the door and into the basking, torturous rays of Celestia’s sun. No… I wanted to shun the mother star… I wanted my blinds drawn shut with the artificial light of a monitor giving me my necessary UV light.

Rainbow rolled her eyes at my bitching and moaning before launching herself up into the air.

“Hey! That’s cheating!” I scowled. I tried to catch her but she winged it behind me. I could feel the light blows of her beating wings create a gentle breeze on the back of my neck. Damn flying horses and their broken sky magic. Someone needed to nerf that shit.

She huffed and placed her hands on my shoulders. “Relax, Nem, I’m not gonna be flying too long.” I felt her place her hooves on my shoulder blades and crabwalk up my back.

“What are you-“

Rainbow grunted as she plopped down onto my shoulders. Her firm thighs pressed in around my head, plush fur rubbing pleasantly against my cheek, and I felt my heart jump, stop, and die for a moment before kicking into high gear. Damn it, I was better than this!

Rainbow, seemingly ignorant of my reaction to her intimate posture, snapped an arm out. “Now, c’mon! Forward march to the park! I wanna see you sweat!”

Her nonchalant attitude helped to calm my frayed nerves. Yeah, what did I expect from her? This was Dash, the pony farthest away from flirting with me next to Fluttershy.

…okay, bad comparison after the last few days, moving on.

I slapped her leg. “Really, Dash? We’re doing this?”

She looked down at me, her toothy grin disturbing even with the distinct lack of canines. “Hey, I’ve got you to myself for the day, and I’m gonna abuse the horseapples out of it! Now!” She flicked my nose and kicked her hooves into my sides, digging in right underneath the sides of my ribs. “Get started!”

Rolling my eyes so hard they might as well have fallen out of their sockets, I began the drudgery of my new ‘date.’

Eh, it wasn’t that bad. Dash didn’t weigh anything, more like a very warm cloud wrapped around my head. The day was pretty nice – not too warm and not too cool. I was going to get some well-needed exercise into my lanky frame, and I was doing so along a fun if haphazard mare. Besides, if I was going to be honest to myself, I was starting to enjoy these dates, as weird and mind-tearing as they were. Maybe today was going to be a good one.

“You call that jogging? Tank moves faster than you!”

Fucking hell, Skittles.

Sipping at my bottle of cider, I leaned back in my chair and let out a content sigh. It was a beautiful day out and it was planned to stay beautiful for the next several days thanks to Ponyville’s weather service’s tireless efforts.

Damn, weather forecasters had jack shit on weather ponies. I still found it freakishly weird and frustrating than the inhabitants of this world had managed to bring the very bipolar attitude of Mother Nature under the yoke, but fuck did I not care if it meant I always knew exactly what the weather was going to be like.

Sure, it meant that these silly horses actually scheduled tornados, blizzards, and other frankly stupid shit to plow through their homes, but hey, their world, their rules. People back home got lynched for misreading the weather; that one baseball game that got rained out when it was promised to be sunny all day let to one of the biggest riots I’d ever had the pleasure of taking part in.

I still had that flat-screen from the requisite looting. Nothing played HD better than free HD.

I took another smooth swallow and flipped my sunglasses down. Didn’t need to burn my eyes out, after all. Celestia was being extra peppy today and the sun’s rays scorched the earth. Sitting on my cheap-ass lawn furniture in my displaced front yard while getting baked (both ways) sounded like a fantastic way to waste the day away.

I planted my tablet on my lap and fired up the streaming app that connected to my computer inside, ready to rot my brain when I could be doing something constructive. But fuck that shit! I had cat videos and porn to consume!

I might not have access to the internet anymore, but my router still produced a network that allowed all my crap to connect to one another, so it was just as well. Considering the petabytes of ‘borrowed’ entertainment I’d gathered (that brief time as a shut-in between jobs was an… interesting period of my life), I would be suitably entertained until the sun burned out.

…or until one of my machines broke. With no access to actual IT associates, I was working off the little working knowledge I had… which was close to zilch. So the moment anything went wrong, I was screwed on that front.

Some may say I was being too carefree about the whole ‘temporarily trapped in another dimension’ situation, but I knew better. Worry led to concern, concern led to caring, caring led to me wasting valuable time I could be better spending on mindless drivel.

That was the best kind! Satisfied with my mission, I focused on the screen only to scowl in frustration at the glare bouncing off it. I may have forgotten that electronic screens didn’t view that well in bright sunlight. I probably should’ve brought an umbrella out or something.

Groaning at the possibility that I’d have to get up and walk back inside, I placed the tablet on the lawn chair’s arm and made to push myself up. However, I stopped when I realized that shade had suddenly cast itself on me. Looking up, I found a lone cloud floating high above me, perfectly positioned so as to block off the sun directly. Odd enough for the timing and that it was the only cloud within eyesight, but the fact that it had a short rainbow trailing off it only made it more obvious.

I closed my eyes and lowered my shades. “Skittles, the hell are you doing?” I shouted up at the lounging pegasus.

Her just-as-glaring mane popped out from the side of the cloud, but due to her position between me and the sun, I couldn’t see what kind of face she was making. I assumed it was bored and/or suspicious; that was the usual expression she made when she was around me.

“What makes you think I’m doing anything?” she boomed back at me.

I pursed my lips and knit my brow in exasperation. She didn’t say anything else. Seeing that there was no point in continuing the conversation further, I turned back to my tablet. It wasn’t as if I was on bad terms with the mare, but I wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with her either. After my first tumultuous meeting with her only a couple months ago, the two of us hadn’t made any effort to get to know the other besides a few not-exactly-hostile-yet-not-really-amicable snipings whenever she ran into whichever of her friends had dragged me along for the day.

Rainbow wasn’t annoying, per se, she was just… Okay, yeah, she was annoying. Not in a truly bad way, just not in the way that made me want to go out of my way to spend any time with her. I’d much rather watch Pinkie test how quickly she could eat her way to a stomach-pumping, or hang out with Fluttershy while she stared down a manticore for missing a dentist appointment – stupid yet amusing.

Egotistical, arrogant, and way too sure of her. She might’ve had plenty to back up the attitude, but that didn’t mean I had to feed into it. Still though, the few times I’d watched her aerial practice was mind-blowing – the way she dipped, dove, and twisted as if she were part wind was incredible to watch. I’d never tell her, though; she’d be insufferable forevermore.

Swiping through several folders, I had the impression that something was off. My shoulders twitched as I felt someone staring at me – just… staring. Chancing a look behind, I held back the new twitch/creeping jump when I realized that Rainbow’s cloud had descended to just above me, the cool chill of it seeping into my upper body. Rainbow herself was leaning over the edge, chin planted on her layered arms, only her bright pink eyes visible.

They bore into and through me like a dad that wasn’t angry, just disappointed. She perked up at my no-doubt weirded-out look and huffed. “What? What’cha glaring at me like that for?”

“…I thought you said that you weren’t doing anything.”

She shook her head, her messy mane falling over her face. “Yeah? And, what? I’m not.”

“You call just watching me without saying a word ‘not doing anything?’”

Rainbow snorted. “What makes you think I was watching you, ya monkey?”

I opened my mouth to say something volatile and then stopped. Rainbow’s eyes weren’t fully on me, even though they were damn close. Slowly, I moved my tablet a smidge to the right. Almost imperceptibly, her eyes followed the motion. I moved the other way and she matched me. I jerked the tablet down and Rainbow almost fell off her cloud when she leaned forward too quickly to keep it in view.

She growled softly, almost a deep and raspy chirp, as I laughed at catching her. Snorting, she looked away and placed her chin on an opened palm. “Yeah, fine, so I wanted to see what you were watching so intensely. Figured I check out whatever boring plop you’re so into.”

“Excuse me, what makes you think what I like is boring?”

“Please,” she scoffed. “You’re supposed to be this cool alien creature and yet I never see you leave your house. Twilight doesn’t do that either, but at least she can magic up some awesome horseapples to offset that lameness.”

“You ‘never see me leave my house?’” My smugness grew. “Do I have some pone voyeur creeping after me?”

She chuckled condescendingly. “You wish, monkey.”

“No, no, I find it flattering. You might be a total meathead but at least you have good taste.”

“I do have good taste, which is why I can say that you are definitely not part of it.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Then I guess that means I’ll just have to keep my bad taste junk to myself.” I made to hide the tablet away.

She whined. “Aww… c’mon, stallion, don’t be so flankflustered. Let me see what you’re watching…”

I rolled my eyes. Diplomacy, thy name is not Rainbow Dash. I didn’t really want to show the prismatic pony anything, especially when the two of us weren’t exactly on good terms. Still, maybe if I did it would shut her up and I wouldn’t have to talk to her. Besides, it would prove my superior human technology and show her and her showboating up for once.

Satisfied with my great and terrible plan, I made a noncommittal noise and turned back around. Rainbow let a triumphant chuckle out at my obvious submission. Stewing at the indignation, I turned the tablet back on and kicked up the search bar. Now, what could I show that would knock her metaphorical socks off?

She was a meathead, so nothing too artsy or sciency would probably interest her (Twilight nearly passed out from joy when I showed her some digitally animated models of the Large Hadron Collider’s theoretical work.) Maybe sports? Nah, as sporty as the mare was, she seemed more a fan of playing than watching. What else could I…

I almost smacked my forehead at the belated stupidity. Of course! Why would I ever have need for anything else?

Find the appropriate folder (dear god did I have a whole lotta random and haphazard crap in these hard drives), I quickly found a few videos. I clicked on the first one and the video began.

Rainbow made a few interested/dismissive sounds as the intro sequence gave a short spiel on the history of the event that was being recorded. “This is supposed to be cool for hyoomans? There’s just a bunch of you standing around next to those weird metal cylinders with the fake wings. How is this neat?”

“Patience, my squawky bawk-bawk. Those metal thingies are called planes. Humans use them to fly.”

“Oh yeah…” She yawned loudly and smacked her lips. “Twilight told me something like that. And… what? They actually do anything?”

Ignoring her flippant tone, I asked, “You like the Wonderbolts, right?”

She chuckled. “Course, dude, those guys are the best in all of Equestria! And I’m gonna be one!”

“Uh-huh, sure.” I ignored her incensed ‘hey!’ and continued. “Well, we have whole groups of stunt fliers back home, and there’s lots of events held to showcase them.” I grinned when the placard flashed up to signal the first sequence. “Let me show you my race’s version of air shows.”

A row of airplanes roared through the air on screen, multi-colored contrails sweeping behind them. Soon, the multiple separate contrails twisted into one complete tightly-knitted ribbon as the planes zipped close enough to touch each other. Rainbow’s eyes widened.

And then the real fun stuff began.

I don’t know how long the first video was, but when it ended, Rainbow had leaned so far down from her cumulonimbus perch to view the video that she had to balance herself on my shoulder to not fall over. Her ears were twitching every which way, her eyes wide and dazzling, her tail cracking like a whip in her excitement.

Aw, you jelly, little pone? Yeah, you jelly.

“Well?” I prodded, not able to keep the smug out of my voice.

Rainbow swallowed audibly. “Hyoomans can do that kind of stuff without wings? I haven’t even seen the Wonderbolts try some of that! And were they making sonic booms that whole time? Celestia’s plot was that awesome!”

“Uh-huh, so now do you admit that humans are bet-“

"Dude, you have to show me more of this stuff!”

“Wha- hey! Get your foot off there! Ack!” I sputtered and spat out a stray feather as her wings smacked against my face and her limbs awkwardly crawled over my sitting form. I grunted as she slid down and frowned heavily. “Get offa me, woman!”

“I’m not a wo-man, I’m a mare,” she said flatly. “And stop squirming, you’re making it difficult to find a good place to sit down.”

“Then don’t be, hey! Get off there!”

“Rrr, why does this chair have to be so small? Skootch back, you’re gonna knock me off.”

“I swear to every god out there, Skittles, if you don’t move your blue, furry ass I’m gonna move it for you!”

“Ah, don’t be such a foal! See? There we go!”

She beamed triumphantly at her new position between my legs. She was perched on the very edge of the lawn chair, her legs bunched up and off the ground so that she could just rock back and forth on the seat. There was maybe an inch or so between her back and my front, so close that she may as well have been sitting in my lap. Her wings were tucked in, but not so carefully that they didn’t brush up against my chest, the feathery things scratchy through my thin shirt.

“If you aren’t off this chair in the next three seconds, I’m gonna kick you so hard your ancestors will feel it,” I deadpanned.

“Pfft!” she mumbled. “You could try! Ain’t no alien monkey going to beat Rainbow Dash! Now, c’mon, show me more of this magic glass. You hyoomans may be pretty lame, but you got some really cool stuff.” She prodded at the tablet but it was unresponsive since I’d turned it off the moment she jumped me. “If youcan fly like that with those planes, then there’s no way I can’t!”

I took a deep breath and counted to five. Nope, still there. “You’re not gonna go away, are you?”

“Nope!” she chirped. “C’mooon, Neeemmmm…. We’re wasting time we could be watching!” Her tone was whiny, provoking, and every other emotion that pushed my instinct to just throw her off and smother her with her own cloud.

This… this pony. She was… was…

Ah fuck it, I liked her spunk. This was the first time she’d shown any interest in anything I’d done other than to poke fun at me, and I had to admit, despite the source, I was struggling for some form of social contact. I might’ve been an anti-social putz back home, but getting blitzed into a completely alternate dimension where humans didn’t exist had the side-effect of changing my usual priorities for determining friendlies.

Rainbow Dash may have been a bit of a bitch, but hey, I was a bit of a bastard – it fit, appropriately enough.

What the hell, it wasn’t like it could hurt me to see if she could try and emulate the stunts I showed her. Frankly, the kind of stuff I saw her do was incredible, and if she could incorporate some of the batshit crazy ingenuity humans had invented over their impressively long lifespan (at least for creatures that actively looked for new, terrifying ways to challenge their mortality) then I didn’t want to miss out on what she could accomplish.

Besides, I thought to myself as I turned the tablet back up and loaded up another video, even if she didn’t reach the heights human had already conquered, it would be interesting, if not appendix-exploding hilarious, when she failed.

Heart pounding, sweat pouring, lungs burning, body aching.

What torture was this?

What heinous acts against society and nature could I have possibly committed to be put through such deviant punishment?

The wickedly sharp blades of grass sliced into the skin of my face, arms, and legs. The gangrenous dirt rubbed into my pitiful wounds. The malevolent and accursed sun slammed down on me from that empty, hollow sky. Whereoft from cruel hell was this? To sling such arrows of sadistic delight upon my fragile form!

The horror… the horror.

“Nem, seriously, stop acting like Rarity.”

“Grandma…? Is that you…?”

But wait, grandma was in dead and in…! Noo! Get away from the light, it was red!

I grunted when Rainbow not-so-gently kicked a hoof into my ribs. I tried to shoot her a petty look of outrage, but I was too tired so it probably more came out like I was heavily constipated. She returned the volley with an annoyed purse of the lips as she stood over my collapsed body.

Around us were the happy cries and yells of various ponies gaily playing in the park. None of them were floundering in the ruined temple of their bodies. No, they had to be in good shape and take care of themselves and not relish in their bodies’ natural habit to atrophy muscle if it wasn’t used on a regular basis and-

So, yeah, maybe I was a little more out of shape than I first thought. The mild jog Rainbow had pushed me into taking to the park had left me winded, thirsty, and all-around sassy. You would think walking to get anywhere would’ve had more of an effect on my health.

“It doesn’t work when you only leave my house once a week, ya dweeb.”

And stop reading my thoughts!

“You’re talking out loud.”

…Oh, right, my tendency to talk to myself became a lot more frequent when I was tired and/or sleepy.

“Still talking…”

“Oh, shut it and help me up.”

She grabbed my outstretched hand. Eventually I made my way back to my feet. Panting, I bent over and placed my hands on my knees, greedily sucking in lungfuls of air. Christ, I didn’t think I was that bad when it came to keeping healthy. I might’ve been a little (lot) more sedentary than the majority of people on this planet, but that didn’t explain me being so goddamn tired.

Something appeared in my peripheral vision and I scrambled to catch the bottle trying to make an appointment with my face. Getting a good grip, I looked it over.

…it was a sports drink bottle. What more did I expect from it?

I glanced over at Rainbow, who had her own copy of the drink and was taking a quick sip from it. She wiped her mouth with her arm, some of the thick, milky drink dribbling along her fur, and quirked an eyebrow. “What?”

I shook the bottle. “This for me?”

Rainbow snorted back a chuckle. “Who else do you think it’s for? You didn’t bring anything of my own, and I know from personal experience that dehydration absolutely sucks if you’re not careful.”

I knew I was forgetting something. I popped the top and took a quick whiff. A medley of fruity scents mixed with sour yogurt spilled out. Shrugging, I took a chug.

The drink had the consistency of a thin smoothie, thicker than water but not enough that it clung to my tongue. It wasn’t great, a bit too bitter of an aftertaste, but it was liquid and made my dry throat somewhat bearable. I licked my lips. “Not bad.” I examined the bottle. It wasn’t branded. Instead, it seemed like a normal sports bottle that you could keep any drink in. “Where’d you get this?”

“I- Pinkie gave me the recipe. Said it was good when you were out and about and needed a quick energy boost.”

“You made this?”

“W-what?” she said defensively. “You got a problem with that? This stuff’s great when I’ve worked up a good sweat. I use it all the time when I’m taking a break from flying practice!”

A small grin worked its way to my face as Rainbow fidgeted. I wasn’t sure, but I swore I noticed a thin bead of sweat form on the tiny pony’s brow. Heh, someone was getting antsy… I shook my head. “Nah, I don’t. It’s just-“

“I can just take it back, y’know!” She made a motion to step towards me and swipe it.

“I’m good, I’m good!” I claimed.

Rainbow growled, her ears splaying back for a moment before she ran her arm against her nose. She muttered something quietly to herself and let out a small whinny. She the nodded as if coming to a decision. “Right then! Let’s get started! We’ll begin with stretches!”

“Aren’t we already beyond that?” I asked jokingly. “Don’t you usually stretch before you run?”

She waved her hand. “Eh, the jog here was more a warmup for the warmup. Had to see what I was working with before we actually tried anything.” Rainbow narrowed her eyes. “Didn’t think I’d have so much work ahead of me.”

Quickly and without mercy, a dirty and altogether unwholesome smirk splashed across her muzzle. She pounded one fist into the other hand’s open palm. “Guess that just means it’ll be all the sweeter when I break you and build you into something totally awesome!”

“…I think I need to go use the bath-“

“Get on the ground and stretch, colt!” she barked out.

“But I just got up from there…” I whined.

Rainbow walked around me and tried to put her hands on my shoulders. However, considering she was just 4+ feet, she couldn’t quite get a good enough grip on them and instead spent a couple moments slapping at them in a futile effort to push them down. I heard an angry, drawn-out chirp behind me before something roughly jabbed into the back of my knees.

Taking the nonverbal order for what it was, I lowered myself by my knees until Rainbow could properly grab my shoulders and push me the rest of the way down. Soon, I was back on my ass, my legs splayed out in front of me while Rainbow was leaning on my back, her small hands perched on my shoulder blades.

“K, so we’ll start with some basic flexibility stretches first.” Rainbow patted my back. “Now, touch your feet without bending your legs.”

I leaned forward, the tips of my fingers just making it past my kneecaps before the twinges in my buns and thighs screamed at me to stop being stupid. I grunted and leaned back to first position.

“…what the buck was that?” She did not seem amazed at my elite stretching.

“That was me trying to touch my toes.” I even matched my best when I was back in high school. Fuck yeah, I was just as in shape as back then!

“That was… Oh Celestia’s plot I have so much work to do.”

“Hey…!”

“You, shut it.” She mumbled something under her breath and I was able to make out a few words. “…fit this colt up… need stamina… we’re done with him…”

That… sounded just a tad ominous.

Rainbow snorted and I could feel her lean further on my back, so much so that I felt her muscled torso and chest meld to the contours of my back. My sweaty shirt did nothing to stop this glorious process from happening. And was I feeling- hello! Rainbow grunted, a masculine noise that still sounded feminine from the scratchy, high-pitched squeak that accompanied it.

Thank fucking god I was still too tired to even think about calling the general into action.

“Okay then,” Rainbow rasped into my ear, her warm breath tickling me. I held down the shiver that attempted to run up and down my spine. Fucking damnit hormones, this was Dash! Stop being such greedy, whiny fucks!

But she smelled so good…! Like sweat and rain and electricity!

Argh! No, no, I was stronger than this, and I wasn’t going to submit again! I was a strong, independent man who didn’t need no mare to make me all tee-hee inside!

But cute, smol girl rubbing herself on us…!

I swear, if I had to dunk myself in a tub of ice again, I was gonna-

“…so on three, k? One, two, three!”

Oh shit, she’d been talking this whole time and muh spine!

My upper body and legs formed an incredible and extremely painful U-shape as Rainbow put all her weight on my back and pushed down. With a cracking screech, my fingers shot out – past my knees, past my calves, past my ankles, past my toes even. My face made the most delightful twisted scowl as it dived into my crotch, allowing me to muffle my wails of torment.

In the hazy outskirts of my awareness, I heard Rainbow talking proudly to me. “…see? I knew you could do it! Just needed a little elbow grease and some high-class Rainbow Dash workmanship. If we keep going like this, then we’ll have ya whipped into… Nem? You okay?”

I think I may have whimpered, though that also could’ve been the sound of my soul leaving my broken body. With a Herculean effort, I popped my head out from between my legs, holding back the tears that just so wanted to flow.

Rainbow’s face was quickly turning to worry at my silence and expression. So I did the only thing I could. I raised a thumb up and croaked out, “Yeah! ‘s all good!”

Nailed it.

Rainbow let out a relieved sigh, realized she’d shown weakness, and then clamped up and got quickly to her feet. “T-that’s great then! Awesome! So… let’s keep going!” she whinnied.

Another noise like a squeaky toy dripped from my lips but I managed to stow away the majority of it with my manly toughness. With slow, methodical movements, I joined Rainbow.

I was pretty sure I'd gained a new asscrack from that one stretch but… eh, could only help with my shitposting.

…Which I couldn’t do anymore!

…I made myself sad.

Well, less time to mope around, more time to hang out with Dash! We quickly sank back into more stretching exercises, the smaller mare more than occasionally helping me out and rubbing her body allll over me. Throughout, I was able to see that she was quite limber herself; at one point, she hooked a leg around the back of her neck while standing on one leg.

The act of doing so shut me quickly when I tried to provoke her into proving she was ‘so much better than me at this.’ She just laughed and continue to trashtalk me. It was all in good fun; Rainbow loved to push my buttons whenever she could, though her fun came more at my pride’s expense than anything sensual.

Ha, Rainbow acting kinky. The though alone made me want to burst into laughter. She had as much sensuality as a cardboard cutout; as much curves as one, too!

That laughter quickly died a miserable death when she bent over in front of me, putting her head between her legs and sticking her tight booty in my face. That heavenly package of muscle and the thinnest layer of fat just staring me down, daring me to just try something, anything with it. Maybe slap it, grope it like I had with Rarity last night, even just nibbl- okay!

At the very least, while I quietly sputtered and thanked every deity known for wearing loose shorts, she didn’t seem to be aware of my laser-focused male gaze. She was still yakking up a storm while she did so and at no point did she hint she was teasing me. If she was, she’d be a lot more obvious about it.

Thankfully I managed to escape from that situation with no blows to my ego, and the morning quickly ended up in the same damn way things always did whenever Rainbow and I hung – shit talking about our own greatness.

Didn’t matter the time, place, or subject matter, it always eventually came down to who was better. This time, given the environment, it was who was the better athlete. Despite the obvious and clear winner for this particular debate (hint: it wasn’t me), I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. For every boast she made I countered with an example from my race back home. I could appropriate their triumphs and strengths as my own, right? Winning by association was a perfectly viable tactic.

There was no way Rainbow would accept that. For her, it was always one against the world, so no way would she tolerate something as duplicitous as ‘shared glory.’ As time passed, she got pissier and pissier until she finally snapped.

“Alright, there’s only one way to settle this!” Rainbow shouted.

“Just admit defeat?”

“Ha! You wish! No, there’s only one way to prove who’s the superior master race – a battle to the death!”

“Wat.”

And then Rainbow tackled me.

For a moment I was caught off guard but I quickly found myself fighting back. Soon we were both in a full-blown, knockdown, Imma-kick-yo-ass fight. As we rolled around the grassy plain, no doubt catching the attention of every pony around me, I let out a ferocious roar that was only matched by Rainbow’s neigh for bloody victory.

I just couldn’t get ahold of that blighted, airy bitch! None of her blows would actually hurt me – both from her smaller frame and not putting any actual violent intent into her punches (this was for fun; a few bloody noses and some knicks, cuts, and bruises but nothing long-lasting). However, I just couldn’t get a grasp on her nubile form. She was barely even half my size, and with her constantly squirming around I couldn’t get a firm enough grab to pull her into a submission hold. She didn’t even have enough hair for me to bitch out and yank her off me! Damn her sporty, feisty manestyle!

I let out an ‘oof’ from her kidney shot and returned the favor with a headbutt to the bottom of her chin. Rainbow reeled back from the blow and my glorious thick skullness (thank you for being a dense motherfucker), and I took the chance to gain some space. Collapsing my knees into a ball (ha, her making me stretch was ultimately her downfall!), I planted my feet on her stomach and pushed off.

Rainbow went flying off me, bouncing off the ground a couple times before quickly regaining traction and jumping to her hooves. I mirrored her, glad to finally have a chance to breathe.

She rubbed a hand against her mouth, cleaning off the thin trail of blood her cut bottom lip had made. Looking at the smear on the back of her hand, she snapped her eyes back up to me. She grinned, a feral expression that promised she was going to pay me back for that.

I beat my hands on my chest and spread my arms out, the universal gesture for, ‘come at me bro you ain’t hot shit!’

There was no need for words – only bullshit.

Something clicked in Rainbow. Her eyes narrowed as an unholy fire burst into existence, turning her magenta irises crimson with the heat and intensity of the sun. Rainbow’s wings flared behind her, she stomped a hoof into the loamy soil, a heavy and hot snort erupted from her nostrils.

My eyes widened.

She launched forward, her wings giving her dive much more power than if she’d just jumped at me. A literal rainbow exploded from her back, quickly drawing the short distance between us in the blink of an eye. Pain blossomed like a beautiful flower of bone-cracky-muscle-teary goodness within my chest.

As the world quickly fell to darkness, I was only able to make out one small cognizant thought -

Man, fuck bullshit flying horse magic.

No, really, fuck pegasi and their bullshit sky magic.

Bird horses could just ride clouds like it was nothing. Hell, Rainbow lived in a veritable mansion made out of them that she could alter to fit her every whim/need. And here I was, stuck to the blessed ground because my creator in his/hers/its ever-loving wisdom decided that he/she/it would not share the secret to avoiding terminal velocity and making an end appointment with compacted dirt and/or rock and/or somehow hard water.

But man, I wasn’t jealous in the sligh- fuck yes, I was.

Thank balls I had a purple wizard pony in my corner that could bypass all that nonsense about ‘physics’ and ‘natural order of the world’ and ‘no idiot take off that blanket and get down from that roof before I whoop your ass.’

(Pops still whooped my ass, by the by. For ‘character building.’)

So instead of having to stay on terra firma, I could also fly amongst the stars. Or the closest approximation to it without being banished by an increasingly furious sun god pony.

“Damn it, Nem, just what do you eat that makes you such a lardass?”

And do so by making a certain mouthy mare into my unofficial packmule.

I craned my head over the edge to smug at a slightly red-faced Rainbow Dash pushing up the cloud that I was sitting on. I swung my legs back and forth and reveled in the bouncy texture of the meteorological object. Man, this cloud walking spell Twilight cast on me was the shit. That it would last another couple days just made my deeply-held preconceptions all the more valid – magic was bullshit, and bullshit was magic.

I smiled cheekily. “Ah, what’s wrong, Dashie? Feeling a little tired there? You said this shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

She puffed out her cheeks and knit her eyebrows. “That was before I remembered that you weigh more than a Celestia-damned dragon!”

I snorted. “Please, I’m as svelte a hominid sexius as you’re gonna get.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth and kept pushing, choosing to spend her energy on less pointless matters than arguing with me. Eh, just meant a win in my favor. Though, yeah, just because I could sit on the cloud didn’t mean that it immediately negated my true weight. Rainbow still had to push about two hundred pounds of A-grade manbeef when she barely weighed a quarter that.

After a little more huffing and bitching between the two of us, we finally made it to the designated altitude. Low enough that I wasn’t freezing or suffocating to death, high enough that I wouldn’t immediately go splat.

Determining an optimal height to do parachuting in a world where it didn’t exist was hard – and required so many permits. Seriously, Twilight had made us sign off on so many liability waivers before she even allowed this whole insane plan to be put into motion. Not to mention she was the only magic-user who knew how to cast the cloud walking spell in the first place (Rarity had a bit of a negative reaction when asked, something about ‘muh beautiful wings’ and ‘heights, never again’).

Still, I had the ability to get high up without needing a blimp or anything, a parachute and back-up handcrafted by the fashion pony (you’d never seen anyone quite so dazzled by daredevil/safety equipment), and a big pink landing spot to aim for (where did Pinkie keep all that washable paint?). I was willing, ready, and able, so let’s this party starte-

Oh wow I was high up.

Hello, bladder, didn’t think you were going to make an appearance. No, no, I was good, no need to soil my shorts; I was sure the lovely squish mark I was about to make on the grass far, far below would do a good enough job of that.

Oh sweet heavens this seemed like a much better idea before I realized how tiny everything looked from way up here.

The sounds that crept from between my lips were reminiscent of a dog about to be spritzed by a water bottle for ruining the carpet yet again. I could feel my butt clenching and giving me a negative space wedgie.

Everything clenched when someone laid a hand on my shoulder. Resisting the urge to jump and therefore start my presumably very short trip down, I twisted my head. Rainbow floated next to me, her face still a little scrunchy but with more concern than ire.

“Hey, you okay there?”

I laughed nervously. “Uh, yeah, sure! I’m great!”

She quirked an eyebrow.

“I’m not gonna die, right?”

Rainbow sighed. “Dude, really?”

“Look, I just have a little cold feet, okay? Perfectly normal for a land-based species!”

“Pinkie doesn’t seem to have any problems when she’s ballooning.”

“Pinkie is an insane bundle of crazy happy fun time and should never be used as a baseline for rational thought.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. Leaning forward, she rested her chin on my shoulder. Her lips curled up in a cheeky grin. Absently, I noted her wing brushing against my side opposite to her, her primaries deftly flicking my ear. “Aww… is the big monkey scared? I thought your race already conquered the skies back home? That is, unless all those videos you showed me were a big fib.”

“Girl, I will take you over my knee if you don’t stop mocking the proud and easily insulted apelien.”

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, resting her chin further onto me. Damn was her tuft comfy. Like a big, ol’ warm pillow that made me see red at times from her assery (and her ass damnit not into ponies fuck). “Seriously, though, big guy, don’t you trust me?”

Her voice was soft and demure, though I could hear the lilt of trolling in it. I glanced out of the corner of my eye. Her face was set in a lazy grin, her ears flicking back and forth. Bright pink irises looked back with great care and precious promises of future mockings. I groaned and patted the hand lightly skimming over my chest.

“Rainbow, there’s a lot of things I don’t trust you with – my money, being on time, letting you near any kind of cooking implement…” The mare was worse than Rarity’s little sister and the cream-colored filly set juice boxes on fire (just, hand her a perfectly functional drink and, *poof*, into flames).

Rainbow’s eyes darkened as I continued the laundry list of her flaws, her hands ceasing their aimless wanderings and inching closer to my unguarded throat. She halted suddenly, though, when I gave her a winning smile.

“But there’s no one I trust more to catch me when I fall. After all, who better to save me than the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria?”

For some odd, strange reason, a blush worked its way across her face. She startled and let go of me with a very un-Rainbow-like squeak, quickly holding her hands to her chest. Huh, the hell was that about? Before I could ask if she was okay, a shaky grin wormed into her lips, and she nickered awkwardly.

“A-ahahaha, yeah! Of course! Who else, right?” She said nothing for a moment, closed her eyes, and shook her head. “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Rainbow opened her eyes and stared at me. There was a sparkle there I both recognized and did not, a hint of her boisterous attitude and something more… hidden. She let out a chirping bark and bared her teeth. “Good colt! So we got no problems?”

You… Yeah, I actually felt a lot better now. There was still that undercurrent of anxiety but it didn’t feel like a roaring river of madness and strife anymore. Plus, my shorts were high and dry! I was all good! I nodded my head like a madman.

I slapped the straps of my parachute bundle and laughed. “Yup, good to go!”

“Alright then! Now… go fall with style!”

And then she was shoving me and I was falling as the wind whistled in my ears. My face twisted from blank shock to a rictus of mixed terror and rage.

“You feathery biiiitcchhh…!”

The sky exploded with rainbows. Only this time, they were chasing me.

Did anyone get the call number of that Boeing 747? Because I needed to issue it a citation for flying way too fast at dangerously low altitudes in a populated area.

Also for nearly caving my chest in.

Fucking owwwww…

My ribs groaned from the impact and my cheeks stung from the frequents swats being applied to them.

Wait, why did my cheeks hurt? Was someone slapping a bitch? Me being the bitch in case that wasn’t obvious.

My vision swam as I tried to take back awareness from the haze of pain and goofiness that threatened to consume me. Unfortunately, I could only just make out a distorted swath of blue on a slightly lighter map of blue. Though why the smaller blue was wearing a rainbow clown wig I didn’t know.

Despite feeling like the world was made of cotton and had shoved itself into my ears, mouth, and whatever other open orifices I had, my ears somehow managed to discern something from the environment, though it was fragmented and floating in and out of my focus.

“C’mon, Ne…ke up! …uck, didn… to hit him…o hard. Girls ar…ill me. Now he’s never…erd with us. Oh pony…eathers, why’d I have to… everything up! Calm down, sister, just… Ugh, wake up!”

Another flash of pain on my right cheek finally brought the world back into focus, the horizon tilting and snapping into place with a sudden rush of colors, shapes, sounds, and smells. The first thing I noticed that indeed someone was slapping a bitch. Rainbow was on top of me, smacking my face with the panic only a person who had unintentionally knocked a fucker out could manage. She was biting her lower lip hard enough that it almost drew blood and her eyes were wide and just the tiniest bit bloodshot.

“Big guy, you in there? C’mon, stallion, don’t wuss out on me!” she blurted, struggling to hold back the worry in her tone. She lightly slapped my face again.

Goddamn it, Skittles. Only she’d think it was a smart idea to heal an injured person by injuring them in completely new ways. Probably assumed that if I was in pain somewhere else, I wouldn’t pay as much attention to the initial pain.

It did not work like that, rainbow candy pone. I groaned, though if from the pain or from Rainbow’s somehow charming ignorance I didn’t know. Probably both.

The blue mare perked up at my reaction to her wake-up call. “Oh, great!” She heaved a heavy, relieved sigh. “You’re up. Buck, colt, you had me real worried there!” She closed her eyes and moved her hands to my collar, a shaky smile rising to her lips. “I didn’t think you were that much of a wimp, getting knocked out like that.”

My eye twitched. Here I was, victim of this arrogant mare’s inability to dial back her rambunctious playstyle, and she was giving meshit? Why did I hang out with her again? And why did I even think this ‘date’ with her was going to be any different from my usual get-togethers?

Rainbow’s lips trembled and I felt her relax on my stomach, the tension from her form flowing out of her. I didn’t even notice how stiff she was until this moment. The hands on my collar tightened into fists for a brief moment before also relaxing.

Ugh... I was way too kind for my own good. Though maybe not that forgiving...

“Dash,” I coughed, my throat hoarser than I thought it would be.

She opened her eyes and again there was this hint of worry in them. I assumed it was from the shakiness of my calling her name. Good, I wanted her to feel sorry. Crazy bird horse. She leaned forward. “Hey, you okay there? Didn’t hit you that hard, right?”

“Need to tell you something…” Again, there was a scratchiness to my words that nearly rivalled Rainbow’s own rasp and I had to take a deep breath that almost threatened to cut itself off. How messed up were my lungs?

She leaned closer. “What is it?”

“You… I…” My voice grew fainter as I licked my lips.

With a hitch of breath, Rainbow leaned even closer, putting her swiveling ear to my mouth. “Seriously, Nem, what?”

With a rattling gasp that smoothly transitioned to deep baritone, I uttered, “You done fucked up, pone.”

I activated my trap card.

Even with my limbs still feeling like freshly mashed jelly, I snaked my arms around Rainbow’s form and pulled her tightly against me. She gave a grunting gasp of surprise as I locked her up, my limbs hooked under and over her armpits and below her wings in a pseudo-reverse full Nelson so she couldn’t get the leverage needed to escape. With a harsh barking laugh, both my hands grasped the back of her head, tangling themselves in her shortly-cropped hair.

Rainbow’s eyes shot open at the realization of what I was about to do. She stared into mine, her teeth gritted. “I swear to Faust, if you even think of-“

“Too late!”

She let out a muffled cry of dismay and rage as I buried her face into the crook of my neck and began to furiously rub my knuckles with both hands into her skull. Rainbow fiercely struggled to escape my deviant act of torture, her angry shouts muted by my improvised gag.

That’s it! Fear the double ultra noogie, woman!

“Damn it, you moron!” she mumbled-yelled. Her tiny fists rapped on my skull and sides, but even with all her muscles, the power that her small frame could muster barely fazed me. Even her wings attempted to strike at me, but they couldn’t find the right angle to beat at me with. She might’ve been master of the skies, but the ground was my domain! “You rutting let go of me ‘fore I kick your plot to Tartarus and back!”

“This’ll only get worse the more you struggle!” I wiggled a leg around hers as it bashed on the ground in an attempt to gain enough purchase to push her off me. “Now, take your punishment like a mare!”

She screeched my name with enough obscenities to darken the skies like a surprise squall. If I was of sound enough mind, I would’ve been worried that I was garnering the attention and concern of everyone within a hundred-meter radius as the two of us struggled against each other. But nope, I was focused more on laying the smackdown on this smol pegasus who dared to challenge my greatness and had to now pay the tremulous penalty.

Then again, it probably wouldn’t have mattered enough anyway. The amount of times Rainbow and I had gotten into fights in the middle of the streets (all in good, clean fun, by the by) was enough that the town guard just wrote the two of me up after the fact so that my scuffles didn’t take up precious ponypower and resources. Hell, I think there was even a code for my antics.

A 337 – apelien and tie dye horse kerfuffle – if I remembered correctly.

Man did we get along like a house on fire – in all the fun ways!

Eventually, Rainbow did succumb to my not-so-tender ministrations if her ceasing struggles and reduced-to-mumbling curses were anything to go by. She did still punch me occasionally, but it felt like it was more out of principal than actual intent to harm. It was a good thing, too – my knuckles were already pretty red and chafed from the absolute monster of a noogieing I’d given her. Any longer and I’d start rubbing to the bone!

With a trembling laugh, I released the tiny pegasus and fully collapsed onto the ground. Ohhh… so much of me ached in ways I didn’t think possible. I was going to sleep the rest of the day away wrapped around a gallon of ice cream if my screaming muscles were any indication. Hey, it was comfort food and a convenient icing method!

“I’m gonna be so sore after this.”

Huffing, Rainbow put her hands to my shoulders and pushed herself up. Her face was flushed and her breathing slightly forced. “I… am going… to break you,” she choked out.

My head lolled back, I glanced at her out of the bottom of my eyes. Her lips were half-caught between a grim smile and a ferocious snarl. Her ears were flattened against the side of her head, her hair stuck up in all directions from my manhandling, her wings at full extension, and her tail whipped from side to side. She looked like she was going to bite my head off if I even tried to say anything smartassed.

So of course I did.

“Aw, Skittles, don’t be such a sore loser! I can’t help it that I’m just so much more awesome. You’ll get another chance… maybe when I’m off my game or something.”

Her hands once again found their way to my collar. Though this time, she roughly yanked me up so that I was face-to-snout with her. Warm breath burst against me as she made angry horse noises. “Don’t… think this is over. I am not… gonna let you go anytime soon.”

…why did she have to make this so easy sometimes? I inched my mouth closer and, in a loud stage-whisper, said, “Really, Dashie, in public? Ponies are watching… with little foals!”

It was then that Rainbow fully realized just where and how we were positioned – in the middle of a busy, public park with her straddling me in skimpy work-out clothes that were disheveled and half-off our bodies from the rolling around. The two of us, sweaty and ruddy from exertion, breathing heavily, so close we could taste the other’s breath. It was only helped along when a few ponies felt it appropriate to whistle and make catcalls and parents covered their children’s eyes from the depravity that assaulted their innocence.

Rainbow suddenly stopped breathing and went absolutely still. If possible, her wings reached out even more, stiff enough that they could probably cut diamond. The fierce blush on her cheeks spread even further, staining her chest and shoulders a lovely light lavender as it melded with her fur. I always did enjoy teasing her on her romantic and/or kinky endeavors (or rather, lack thereof present company excluded), and it seemed that I had succeeded with flying colors (ha) once again if her stunned demeanor was any indication.

My mirth at the once again reversal of her dominance waned when I realized she was vibrating ever so slightly. It was nice to finally be the one on top (well, not literally in this situation) after getting spanked so thoroughly on the last few dates, but the small peeps coming from Rainbow made me slowly reconsider that maybe I had pushed the weather pony too far. This was… so very not-Rainbow Dash-like.

“Uh, Dash? You okay the-“

“Okay gotta go really had fun need to do this again k thanks bye!”

With a burst of polychromatic wonder and an ‘oof’ as I was propelled back into the ground, Rainbow flew off, an especially bright rainbow trail following after her. I carefully picked myself back up to a sitting position and brushed myself off.

…Maybe I’d teased her a bit too much? I didn’t think I had pushed her so hard as to make her run away. Then again, I only really poked fun at her flirting/dating habits when it was just the two of us (and even then it was a sorta dick if effective counter), so doing so in such an open area was probably pushing the boundaries of good taste.

Great, now I felt like a jackass. Here she’d taken me out in good faith and I treated it like any other outing and now she was most likely super-embarrassed because I couldn’t put a filter on my mouth and…

Out of nowhere, Rainbow popped up in front of me again. She wasn’t blushing nearly as hard as before but she could still give Fluttershy a run for her money, and her breathing, while steadier, was still fairly uneven and ragged. Before I could say anything, an apology or off-color joke to take the edge off the atmosphere, she snorted huffily

“Jerk.”

And then she was leaning down and pressing her lips roughly against mine - a tight-lipped and hard ambush of affection that was clumsy and awkward and warm as all hell. I didn’t even have the time to react before it was over and she had a clump of my shirt wound up in her fist, her eyes permanently affixed to the ground.

“I’ll get you next time a-and we’ll see who’s boss.”

With a colored flash, she was off again, leaving me wondering and amused and surprised and delighted. So maybe she wasn’t nearly as pissed off as I suspected her to be if that’s the kind of farewell she left me with. Also, I wasn’t rendered a confused and perplexed mess despairing the bloody end of a social death!

Go me!

Some more whistles caught my attention. Oh right, I still had somewhat of an audience. Giving a half-hearted wave at the grinning ponies who’d witnessed my strange and alien ‘courtship rituals,’ I found my way back to my feet and gave a quick stretch, bending backwards to work out the kinks from my impromptu wrestling match.

Slightly off balance, I wasn’t able to avoid the burning scroll that burst into existence and flopped onto my unguarded face. I sneezed loudly as the spicy ash of dragon fire invaded my nostrils and flapped my hand in front of my face to wave away any hovering dregs. This gained a few more laughs and nickers from the surroundings ponies enjoying my one-man comedy act. Laughing sardonically, I picked up the new directive and gave it a read.

“I really hope that you’re still alive and not too broken after this date. As much as I love Rainbow, I know she can be a bit… turbulent when she decides to go all-out. And dear filly, was she raring to go when she heard she had to wait till the later half of the order. Listen, you didn’t hear this from me, but I’ve never seen her more nervous than when she was planning her date with you. I know Rainbow’s the epitome of baseless confidence but this time-“

A lot of scratched out text followed. In fact, it looked like someone else had grabbed the quill and tried to mark out every word it could reach before steadier hands took hold again.

“Ahem! Sorry about that, letter got a bit away from me. In any case, you have another break before your next date. You won’t have to worry until tomorrow afternoon, and even then, it will be fairly lowkey compared to the ones you’ve recently embarked upon. Just dress casually and be prepared for a quiet evening. Have a good rest! And make sure to get your work done; I’ll know if you’re slacking off!”

Yours Truly,
With love,
Love,
Twilight”

There was the beginning of a heart doodle next to her name before it was hastily scribbled out. I raised an eyebrow at the clear sign of overt aborted affection. Really, just who did that girl think she was fooling? Even my dense ass was putting together the puzzle pieces that was this convoluted ‘friendship’ experiment.

The only question was – what was I going to do about it? I wasn’t lying to myself at the end of my date with Pinkie that I going to hold off on confronting Purple Smart about the whole debacle until every date was over and done with, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to at least mull over the haphazard events. There was a lot more going on than Twilight purported.

These weren’t just practice dates, that much was obvious. There was no way that the girls were going to be this forward with me unless something else was being planned in the shadows. Was this an actual courting attempt by these ponies? And if it was, what did they expect to happen by throwing themselves at me until I ended up picking one?

Oh god, was I in some twisted, kinkier version of The Pony Bachelor? Considering what I’d done with (to) Rarity last night, had I inadvertently already made my choice?

But wait, no, there’s no way those girls would make some kind of competition over some weirdo alien, especially with how close they were. Even if-

Fuck, my brain wasn’t equipped to handle emotional computations of this level. Hell, I hadn’t even considered dating in any real respect in this world until Twilight literally dropped it into my lap with all the subtlety of a raging manticore. How could I possibly assume any of this could lead to something meaningful when I-

…you know what? I needed a drink. The warm, hazy cloud of inebriation was the perfect mental condition needed for employing my brain smarts and would surely give me the perspective indispensable in solving this frustratingly insane mystery.

And I knew exactly where to get it. Time to visit a rockin’ mute of a brazen bitch. I just hoped she was actually awake at… I took a gander at my watch.

Eleven in the morning? …eh, 50-50 chance then. I puffed out my chest and marched my way out of the park and towards downtown.

To booze and jams!

Author's Note

[Edited 1/21/18]

And there's the Rainbow and another doozy of a chapter done. Hopefully this monster makes up for my lateness. This has definitely been the hardest chapter for me thus far, as Rainbow Dash is my least favorite of the Mane 6 and therefore the most difficult for me to have a definite hold on her personality. Eventually I just decided on mixing the Rainbro of the early 2010s with just enough awkward girl to make it interesting. I think I gave her enough credit, but, eh, tell me if I didn't. Also, SO hard for me not to just stick in a, "N-not like I was w-worried about you, i-idiot!"

Interlude chapter up next, so it'll both be shorter and easier for me to write. After that, two more dates and the final chapter of the first arc. Here's hoping it all goes well!

Till next time, criticism appreciated!