Sparkle-Date Me!

by The Iguana Man

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3485

Luna asks Twilight to sparkle-date her. The results are not what she was expecting.

After being asked a question she doesn't know the answer to, Luna asks Twilight to do her a favour and sparkle-date her. There are just two problems.

Firstly, Twilight has no idea what she's talking about.

Secondly, when she figures it out and obliges the request, the results are... interesting.

***

A... sequel...? Parody...? Bastardization...?

A story inspired by and in some way connected to Wintermist's brilliant Sparkle Date Me!, or at least the title.

Published 2017-07-25 02:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-25 02:00:11 UTC

Sparkle-Date Me!

“Sparkle-date me!”

Twilight looked up from her book, shaking her head to clear it after being pulled out of her reading so abruptly. Princess Luna was striding into the crystal castle's library, an expectant expression on her face.

Twilight opened her mouth to reply before realizing that she had no idea what to say. I couldn't have heard that right, could I? As a result, she spent several seconds making an “aaaah” noise at the back of her throat before finally settling on “What?”

Luna blinked, suddenly losing her officious expression. “Oh, I do apologize, I should not have phrased my request so rudely. Sparkle-date me, please.”

Twilight put a hoof to her forehead, both to rub away a rapidly oncoming headache and in an attempt to unstick the gears in her mind that had been jammed by the nonsensical statement.

“I... What... you...” Twilight exhaled slowly, thinking for a moment before she spoke. “Princess Luna, I'm sure that this is just a problem in communication, so please don't be offended when I ask: What in Equestria are you talking about? What do you mean “Sparkle date you?” As far as I can tell, that could only mean one thing, but she couldn't be saying that to me.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “I mean exactly what I say. I would very much like for you to sparkle-date me.”

“To “sparkle date” you?”

“If it wouldn't be too much trouble.”

Twilight raised a hoof, as if to ask another question, but froze for a few seconds, as if the jammed gears in her head prevented her body from moving. Okay, so it definitely can't mean what I thought it might mean, but then...

“Twilight?” Luna asked.

The hint of worry in her voice knocked Twilight out of her paralysis, and she started speaking. “Sorry, Luna, it's just... I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by “Sparkle date”.”

An endearing look of puzzlement came to Luna's face. “Really? I would have thought you of all ponies would be familiar with the procedure.”

Procedure? That twigged something in the back of her mind. Wait a second. “Um, what exactly does this procedure entail?”

The confusion gave way to slight disappointment as Luna began to explain. “It is a process in which one examines the magical field of a being or object in order to determine...”

“The age of the being or object!” Twilight interrupted, clapping a hoof on the ground as she finally realized what Luna was saying.

Luna smiled. “You do know of it!”

Twilight nodded. “Oh, yes, I've done it before, but...” she paused, a little hesitant to correct the Princess, “it's... we don't call it sparkle-dating... anymore?” She finished questioningly, just to check if it was indeed a time-displacement problem.

“Indeed, it was the term when I last encountered it. Has this changed?”

Twilight shrugged, a little reassured as things started to make sense. “Well, Sparkles haven't been the official unit of measurement for magic for about six hundred years, even since the thaum was invented. After that, its use as slang for magic rapidly deteriorated. To be honest, I only know of the measurement because it’s mentioned a couple of times in Neighton's Principia and it stuck out because it's part of my name. Anyway, we call that procedure Aether-dating now.”

Luna nodded, unperturbed. Twilight knew she was used to learning these sorts of societal and linguistic changes a little too late, but still felt a little uncomfortable pointing them out.

“I see.” Luna said after a moment. “Well, that does make sense. Although, I'm not sure I condone the loss of the Sparkle. I think I shall look into re-establishing it as a unit of measurement.”

“Well, I don’t think that that's-”

“So as to name it after you.” Luna finished, an impish grin coming to her lips.

Twilight's gears jammed again, though this time for entirely different reasons. “I... er...”

“Come, Ms Sparkle.” Luna said, turning and walking towards the door. “I presume the equipment is in your laboratory, yes?”

After a few more moments of “Um”s and “Er”s and vain attempts to dispel the heat from her cheeks, Twilight got up and followed.

“Yes, it's, er...” She shook her head. “Ahem. Yes, you're in luck, I do have the equipment. This way.” She said, pointing down one of the many, many branching corridors in her castle.

Luna smiled as the two trotted through the passageway. “Hardly luck, I would have thought. You are a scientist, after all, why would you not have the equipment?”

“Well, it's not an unknown procedure but, to be honest, Aether-dating has fallen out of use a little in recent years.”

“Oh? Surely knowing somepony's or something's age is still useful. Why would Sparkle-dating not be used?” Luna asked, emphasizing the archaism.

“Well, it is sometimes necessary to know how old a subject is,” Twilight explained, settling into her lecture mode, partially to help ignore the additional heat in her cheeks, “but examining it magically isn't generally necessary. Files and birth certificates mean most ponies and many animals have their age as a matter of official record, Aether-dating doesn't work on most non-organic objects due to their lack of a magical field and, for organic objects, a new method was invented for determining their age about sixty years ago, using the molecular decay rate of carbon-14. This makes it far easier than examining the miniscule magical residue a being keeps after it dies. It's actually really fascinating – you see, Carbon-14 is constantly produced by the atmosphere, but mmph-”

Twilight felt a midnight-blue magical field gently clamping her jaw shut and stopped talking as soon as she did. The two had established that this was the best way to stop Twilight talking when needed... okay, the second-best way, but far preferable to the hoof-in-the-mouth method. Not because it was less rude, but because the polish used on Luna's silver shoes tasted vile.

“Twilight,” Luna began, turning to look her in the eye, “please do not mistake this interruption for disinterest, for there is none of that. In fact, I truly look forward to a detailed explanation of all the intricacies of this new method, with as many diagrams and citations as you feel is appropriate. However, I fear that will have to wait for later, as I would like to get this sparkle-dating out of the way first. Speaking of which, I believe we are here.” She finished, pointing to an open doorway, behind which was a vast room filled with scientific equipment.

Twilight nodded, trotting quickly into the room as if to outrun her embarrassment. “Yes! Yes, okay, let's, er... Let's do that.” She went to the back of the room as started turning dials on a panel next to a small circle on the floor. “Could you stand here please while I calibrate this?”

“Certainly.” Luna replied, doing as she was asked, though she had draw herself in a little to fit within the circle.

Twilight busied herself with setting up the device – not only had it not been used for a while, but it needed some serious readjusting to be able to properly examine the magical field of an alicorn. Fortunately, doing so was a fairly automatic process and gave Twilight a moment to think, allowing something to occur to her.

“Luna, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you want to be sparkl- aether-dated?”

Luna smiled at her. “Not at all. In truth, I was wondering why you hadn't asked already.”

Twilight gave her a deadpan look. “Because your initial question caught me just a little off-guard and I haven't had a chance to gather my thoughts since.”

Luna nodded. “Fair. Anyway, earlier today, while I was on my way to court, I ran into a young colt who had become separated from his parents. Naturally, I helped him look for them and, as we did, we started talking. And he asked me what it was like on the moon.”

Twilight smiled, both at how well Luna got along with children and that she was able to relate the question without pain.

“And you told him you didn't remember?”

“Indeed.” Luna answered. “I did not go into detail, as I felt he did not need to know how being twisted and warped by one's own hatred can leave one... not at their most lucid. He seemed to accept my answer, albeit with a little disappointment, but then he asked something else: how I was able to stay alive up there. And it occurred to me – we know that the elements of harmony trapped me there, but we don't know exactly how they did so.”

Twilight nodded along to Luna's explanation, looking up from the panel for a moment. “That's... actually a really good point. But how will sp- how will determining your age help?”

“Well, after some consideration, I deduced that there were two possibilities: either the elements placed me physically on the moon and kept me alive there somehow or they placed me in stasis there.”

Twilight grinned as she saw Luna's reasoning. “And if you were in stasis, that would mean you didn't age!”

“Exactly!” Luna smiled along with Twilight. “Of course, I then had to go to court for a number of hours and it has been, what is the term... bugging me since I thought of it. Hence why I was so rude about it when I first came to you. I do apologize about that, by the way.”

“That's okay.” Twilight assured her, not taking her eyes off her work. “I get how easy it is to get caught up in a scientific conundrum.”

“Evidently.” Luna muttered to herself with a lopsided smile before continuing at a normal volume. “Anyway, I realize that sparkle-dating doesn't have the greatest level of exactitude and, I confess, I do not know exactly when my sister and I were born. However, if my estimations are correct, this procedure should say I am closer to three thousand if my imprisonment was physical and closer to two thousand if it was temporal.”

“Well, we're about to find out.” Twilight said as she finished her calibrations. “Get ready.” She flipped a switch on the device.

To a hornless pony watching the procedure, little would have appeared to happen – a faint shimmer forming in the air within the circle, but nothing more. To one with a horn, they would have felt magic there, but not details about it. If they were to stick their horns into the circle, however, they would have felt an incredibly intricate series of magical pushes and probes swirling around and through the subject. They then would have felt incredible pain as Twilight beat them around the head with the nearest heavy object because their horn had interfered with her experiment.

After the magical field died down, Luna stepped out of the circle, a little uncomfortable. “That,” she said after a moment, “was considerably more potent than I remember the procedure being.”

Twilight allowed herself a small smirk as she pulled a paper readout from the device's output slot. “Advances in science.” She said simply. “Now, this should tell... us... whether...” She trailed off as she looked at the readout, her pupils shrinking to near-invisibility.

Luna frowned a little, confused. “Well, am I near two thousand or near three thousand?”

Twilight gulped. “Two.” She said distantly.

Luna nodded. “Two thousand. Well, I suppose that answers...”

“No.” Twilight interjected.

“What?”

“Not two thousand. Two.”

“Two? Two what?” Luna asked, sounding positive that she wouldn't like the answer.

“Just two. Two years old.”

“What.” Luna said (not asked, said). Her expression became totally blank, as if so many thoughts and questions were coming to her mind that they overwhelmed her ability to control her face. “But that... how does... why would... what?!”

Twilight spent a moment gathering her courage before answering. “There's another possibility we didn't think of.”

“And what would that be?”

“That, well,” Twilight squeezed her eyes shut before speaking, “That the elements killed you. That they destroyed your body, kept your spirit on the moon and, when the time came to release you, formed a new body for you.” Her eyes opened as she looked apologetically at Luna. “A body that is now two years old.”

“I see.” Luna's face didn't move.

Twilight looked away. “It... kinda makes sense if you think about it. I mean, the amount of energy needed to sustain life or keep a being held in temporal stasis for a thousand years would be several orders of magnitude greater than the amount needed to destroy and reform somethi- somepony. And that's assuming they didn't use the energy gained from the destruction to... sorry.” She finished, her ears falling flat.

Luna sighed. “Nay, Twi- No, Twilight, you have nothing to be sorry for. I admit, this is hardly an outcome I expected or desired, but it cannot be helped. And at least we now know.”

Twilight nodded sombrely, still looking to the side. “I guess we do.”

A small, regal titter came from Luna's mouth. “To be quite frank, if you look at it another way, it is rather amusing. The ancient and powerful princess of the moon is, in fact, two years old!”

Twilight finally looked up, seeing Luna's smile. As their gazes met, Twilight felt the corners of her own mouth pull up a little. “Heh. I see what you mean.”

“And,” Luna said, stepping out from the circle, “perhaps next time, I will not be so eager to demand a sparkle-dating of myself to satisfy my own curiosity.”

Twilight's smile grew. “Nothing wrong with curiosity. Just maybe check whether you're using a recognized term.” She let out a small chuckle as Luna came over to her. “Do you know, when you first came in and said “Sparkle-date me!”, I thought the only thing you could mean was that you were asking me out on a date.” She shook her head. “But I knew that couldn't be right.”

“Indeed.” Said Luna as she wrapped a wing around her. “That would be a touch redundant at this point.”

“Exactly.” Replied Twilight as she put her head under Luna's chin, nuzzling a little. “I mean, if you were asking for another date, you would have said so. I mean, after how many we've had, you'd have thought we-”

She stopped suddenly, her body freezing. After a moment, she leapt out of Luna's embrace, her body tilted away from her and shaking. “Oh no. No no no no NO!”

Luna rushed over and held her marefriend's head in her hoof. “What? What is it, Twilight?”

“I... I- I- I...” Twilight stammered.

“What? What?!”

“...I'm a paedofoal.” Twilight finally said, a hint of tears beginning to come to her eyes.

Luna dropped her hoof to the ground in shock. She inhaled deeply to calm herself before speaking:

“Pollophile!” She said forcefully. “Not peadofoal! Surely you know the correct terminology.” She paused for a moment. “Also, what?

“I'm going to prison.” Twilight said quietly, barely hearing Luna. The tears now began to leak out onto her cheeks. “I'm going to be sent to prison and I deserve it I'm a monster I...”

“Twilight, don't be ridiculous. I am fairly sure you are not in a relationship with any underage foals. Unless you have been hiding something from me very well, the only relationship you are in is with me and I'm... ah.”

“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm-”

“Twilight!” Luna said, just on the edge of using the Royal Canterlot voice. She grabbed her distraught marefriend's head again and forced her to look into her eyes. “You are not going to prison, you are not a monster and you. Are. Not. A pollophile!”

Twilight tried to shake her head, but Luna's grip was too strong. “But... I... with you... we...”

“Have not... been intimate yet. Even if this were a concern, you would have committed no crime.”

Twilight gulped, her tears starting to slow and her panic subsiding. “I... I guess, but even being with you at all would be-”

“No!” Luna interrupted, releasing Twilight's head. “No, I will not accept that. And do you know why?” She pressed her face against Twilight's, looking into her eyes with a combination of love and resolve. “Because I absolutely refuse to wait sixteen years before I am able to hold you again.” She backed off a step, a slight smirk coming onto her face. “As a matter of fact, it is taking all of my self-control not to gather you in my hooves at this very moment.”

“But... wait, really?”

Luna nodded seriously. “Indeed. Your panic at the thought of an action that could only be construed as wrong on a technical level and for which no sane pony would condemn you is... quite adorable. However, much as I would love to comfort you with cuddling, nuzzling and possibly slight ravishing, I think it would be simpler to establish that I am not, in fact, underage.”

Twilight let out a long breath, the answer doing an oddly effective job of calming you down. Still, she shook her head. “I'm not sure how. I mean, when you were reborn, you were... well, not so much you as Nightmare Moon, but...” She stopped as an idea struck her.

“Luna,” she began, slowly, “when your form changed to that of Nightmare Moon, was that an illusion?”

Luna tilted her head, looking unsure where Twilight was going with this. “No. No, it was an entirely physical change – the twisting and corruption caused by my fall was not limited to my mind and soul.”

“Which means that, from a purely physical point of view, you and Nightmare Moon could be considered different ponies, correct?”

Luna nodded, her pout slowly melting into a smile as she understood what Twilight was saying. “Correct. Which would mean that it wasn't my body that was destroyed and recreated...”

“So, in essence, your body was held in a sort of Stasis until you were purified, which would mean this body,” Twilight ran her hooves over Luna's back and wings for a moment, an action Luna did not object to, “is the same as you had in the time before your fall, which means...”

“We can be together!” The two finished together.

A second passed before the two of them burst out laughing, both out of relief and due to the absurdity of the discussion. Twilight fell into Luna's hooves, hugging her tightly as she let out her tension as loud guffaws and feeling Luna's tears of mirth soaking into her coat.

After about thirty seconds of this, the two released each other, backing off a couple of steps as the laughter died down. Once it had, a couple of seconds of silence passed between them before Twilight spoke up.

“So, um,” She said as she looked away, blushing and scuffing a hoof on the ground, “about that ravishing...”

Luna closed her eyes and let out a small chuckle, threatening to send the two into another round of laughter before she reined it in. “As much fun as that would be, my dear Twilight,” She looked up at the clock on the wall of the laboratory, “alas, I have left my duties for too long as it is, particularly considering how frivolous my reasons for putting them aside were. But fear not,” she said as she turned around, walking towards the door, “later tonight, we shall have as much time together as you wish. Consider it an apology for making you worry like that.”

“Okay.” Twilight nodded before a thought came to mind. She allowed herself a little chuckle as she asked: “Although, are you sure that it won't be past your bedtime?”

Luna paused mid step. She placed her foot down and began answering without turning around. “I love you, Twilight Sparkle. Truly and completely. So I will give you this advice.” She looked over her shoulder with a smile that was just a little too broad

“Don't push your luck.”

Author's Note

So, yeah, I was re-reading Sparkle Date Me! a few days ago, had a moment of Jamais Vu when looking at the title and briefly imagined "sparkle dating" as a magical form of carbon dating. The idea wouldn't go away and the result is above.

Incidentally, I realize that this should techinically have the Romance tag, but I felt that would give away the climax (if one can call it that) a little too early. Also maybe the Comedy tag, but I wasn't sure it was quite funny enough for that. Still, let me know what you think in the comments.

Also, the Peadofoal/Pollophile word-disagreement is straight out of Davesknd's Between Day and Night. I apologize, but it was too good not to use.