The King of Coin

by WeatheredField

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 7650

When a human finds a way out of prison, and onto Equus, he decides that he is going to rob the world dry.

I used to steal for fun, grabbing some cash, souvenirs, or food from every building I snuck into. I believed myself to be untouchable, and I was for a few months, until I got thrown in jail, tricked into a bottomless pit by a god, and turned into a diamond dog.

My name is King. I steal, I give, and I bark.

You rich folk better hide your gems and hide your wealth, cause me and my cat friend are climbin' in your windows, snatchin' your money up, and we don't give a damn whether or not you needed it for your new bubble bath.

Character tags will be added as the story progresses. I just finished Griffin the Griffin and loved it. Wanted to write an adventure story featuring a human-turned-otherwise, and here we are.

Cover art by kenket on Deviantart.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-27 17:57:52 UTC

I - You Wake Up in a Jail Cell

“God, I love Arizona.”

I stared at the cinder block wall that surrounded the sides and back of the house I was going to hit. Since south AZ is notorious for it’s heavy windstorms, the walls have to be sturdy so they don’t blow over. This also meant that they could support the weight of a young adult.

I stepped back, took a breath, and sprinted towards the wall at an angle. I jumped, pressed my feet against the wall, and pushed away. My hands barely managed to grab onto the edge of this house's balcony. With a grunt, and some sweat, I managed to pull myself up.

Step one is done. Step two, get through. Through the door, that is. I peered through the window, and looked to see what the room inside was. Master bedroom, by the look of it. The covers on the bed were pulled back, and no lights were on. Couple that with the empty driveway, and I had myself an empty house, ready to be relieved of various goods.

I could and probably should have gone through the front door, but it had become increasingly boring to do so. Besides, front doors had security pretty often, which was a problem for me. So there I was, entering through a second floor balcony.

I slung my backpack off my shoulder and rummaged through it for something. I pulled out couple small plastic cases, and popped them open. They both contained a few specifically bent bobby pins, which served as my tools.

I inserted them both in, and began feeling the pins. One would be stiff, I would push it up. I repeated this process until I heard a click, and the lock turned. I put my tools away, and pulled the door open. I didn’t notice the two small devices on either side of the door that watched me enter.

I glanced around the room, taking note of everything. Places to hide objects, and places to hide myself. I looked through various drawers, the closet, and whatever I could open. Nothing but clothes, and a firearm. I left it there. When I got to the room’s door, I was surprised to find it locked.

Geez, that’s paranoid. Locking the outside and inside doors? I shook my head, and opened the door anyways. Four more doors, three had privacy locks. I pulled another bobby pin from my bag, and stuck it into the small hole. I felt something give, and the door unlocked.

Bathroom, nothing worthwhile. The next door was a coat closet, but there was a pretty sick looking duster in there. I grabbed it, and put it on. It was a neutral brown, exactly like the kind you would see in a western film. I put my backpack back on over it, and moved onto the next door.

It looked like a guest room, judging by the gift basket and the travel pictures. I grabbed a few candies from the basket, and ducked out. The next room... whoa.

I opened the door to behold the greatest shrine to my own interests ever. There were Dungeons and Dragons figurines, rule books, and posters all along the walls. In addition to the D&D things, there were also figurines of Discord, Vinyl Scratch, and Twilight Sparkle on a shelf. Best villain, background pony, and princess? Yes please. I placed the figures in my bag, and left the room.

I shook my head and chuckled. It was almost too easy to hit houses now. I should try for something bigger next.

I regretted thinking that immediately.

Light flooded into the house, along with the sound of police sirens as a voice blared from a megaphone. “This is the police! Come outside with your hands behind your head, we have this building surrounded.”

Shit. Shit shit shit. I quickly ran upstairs, back to the master bedroom. I slammed the door open, and jumped. I landed on the brick wall, and began running on top of it, away from the cops, and towards the other houses. I heard shouting behind me as they saw me running, and decided to pick up my pace.

That’s when I remembered the meaning of ‘surrounded.’ A cop that had been hiding on the other side of the house pulled something out, aimed it at me, and fired. Electricity coursed through me as the taser’s darts stuck, and I fell off the wall, right at the police’s feet. I convulsed as my nerves fired off rapidly, then I blacked out.

Waking up in a police car, confessing guilty to almost two dozen robberies, just counting the ones that caught me on camera. Stepping into my jail cell in a bright orange jumpsuit.

I took a sigh, and nodded. That could have gone better. I didn’t have a cellmate, but I figured that would be remedied soon enough. Shit. The months ahead of me were full of jail time, and community service. I was there for the next two days, then I finally got a cellmate.

He was a thin man, but still muscular. His messy hair was a chocolaty brown, with a streak of blue on the side, and back. He sat down on the other bed, and looked at me.

He waved a hand, and shrugged. “So. This the part where we ask what each other is in for, right? I’ll go first. What’s your name, and what did you do?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, this is that time. My name is Kingsley Gardner, call me King. I robbed a whole bunch of houses and stores, but didn’t realize that I was on camera for a good portion of them. I tripped a silent alarm, and police came calling. I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling cops!” I shook my fist, and the man laughed.

He nodded. “Good one. My name is Weathered Field, I got tossed in here for pulling some strings that are better left untouched. Got caught in a web of lies, and the police came to catch me. Figured I wasn’t a match for a bunch of guys with guns, so I came peacefully.”

Dang, this dude was in a conspiracy or something? Now larceny feels lame. I looked at Weathered, and frowned. His eyes were weird. The irises were a dark blue, with little shards of silver in them, like stars. I pointed. “What’s up with your eyes? I’ve never seen any like those.”

He blinked. “No, I’d think not. Got them the same way I got this blue in my hair: time and patience.” What was that supposed to mean?

We spent the next week together, joking and bonding. Prison wasn’t as bad as tv and media made it out to be. Nobody beat me bloody, took my food, or what not. I just followed the rules, ate food, did service, and it that was it.

Eventually, however, I heard Weathered singing a certain tune. I chuckled. “Is that Winter Wrap up you’re whistling?”

He looked over at me, and grinned. “You know it. You watch the show as well?” I nodded. “That makes sense. If you were to go to Equestria, what would you be? Any race, pony or otherwise.”

I thought, and thanked my lucky stars that this guy was another brony. “I would be a diamond dog. It’d be nice to have hands, and I never did like flying. And I would love hunting for gems, too.”

He considered it, and smiled. “Well, in that case, how would you like to break out of here.”

I blinked, then looked at him with wide eyes. “What?” Was this guy serious?

“Oh yeah, I’m serious. Come here a moment, I wanna show you something.” In strange curiosity, and complied, and looked at a piece of floor he was pointing out. It was completely ordinary.

“Is this a joke? What are you pointing at?”

He pressed his finger to the floor, and began running his finger across it. To my wonder, an outline of a hatch became visible. He pulled it open, and smiled at me. “What? How was that there this whole time? Where does it lead?”

“You’ve gotta know how to look for it. This probably leads to the sewers, or something. A path out of here.”

I squinted. It was really suspicious. “Why would there be an exit out of the prison, in a cell?”

He shrugged. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I’ll go first. I know a thing or two about getting out of the spotlight, and that means false identities.” He dropped through the hatch, into the darkness.

I had to admit, I was curious. I peered my head through, and tried to see something. It smelled awful, but not in the same way as a sewer. It was a strange awful. “Weathered? Where are you?”

I heard him call back. “Down here. It’s a perfectly safe drop, just trust me. Come here, and you will never have to worry about these police again.”

I sighed, and stayed put. And then I heard a guard. “Hey, you, what are you doing!?” I head the jingle of keys as he tried to open the door. Uh oh. In a flight or fight panic, I pushed myself into the hole, and fell into the darkness. And fell. And fell.

Around the five second mark, I realized that this was not a normal thing. I turned myself around in the air, and saw nothing above me. No light from the prison. Uh.

This was weird. I was still falling through total silence, and darkness. Did I fall into the bottomless pit from Gravity Falls? I folded my arms and tried to wrap my head around the situation.

On one hand, I didn’t have to worry about cops any more. On the other hand, I was probably going to die by slamming into a floor at high speed.

It began to get cold quickly. I shivered as I felt my fingers and body numb as the temperature dropped to what were probably below zero levels. I called out. “Hello? Weathered? Anybody?”

My voice was oddly muffled, like I was speaking into a pillow. I ‘hrmmed,’ and scratched my head. I panicked when I realized that I felt nothing from that. I felt my muscles move, and stop moving, but nothing more. So I was either going to die of hypothermia, or die of fall damage.

Lovely.

...

...

...

“Okay, I figure I should probably do this whole deal.” I cleared my throat, and inhaled.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!” I screamed at the top of my lungs into the darkness, letting all my panic and fear out in one shout.

Nothing happened, still. I sighed, and screamed some more. “OH DEAR GOD! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, I’M GOING TO DIE IN A BOTTOMLESS PIT, AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!”

Still nothing. I sighed, and just felt myself fall in silence. I figure I was there for at least half an hour, but I might be wrong. Eventually, however, I felt my senses return as I collided with something bouncy with an ‘oomph.’

It was still dark, but I could feel something, and I wasn’t falling. I used my hands to pat underneath me, and fell an all-too-familiar prison cot. A dream, then. I sniffed and sensed all sorts of unsavory smells in the air. From sweat, to mold, to cat... hair?

I sniffed again, confused as a flurry of aromas invaded my schnoz. I was never bad at smelling things, but I was never this good. I sniffed some more, letting the senses flood me. I moved my body to stand off the cot, and fell over. My legs felt so... small.

I wiggled them, and felt that everything about them felt off. My toes felt taped together, and bent upwards in a strange way. I went to feel them with my hands, and gasped. My hands were as big as my legs were small. My middle finger and ring fingers felt taped together as well, and my pinkies felt like balloons. I flexed them.

What was going on? I used my big fingers to feel my small feet, and frowned even more. It felt like I only had three toes on each foot, but... I felt around some more, and realized that my legs were shaped like my old dog’s legs. I ran a hand over my arm, and gasped again.

I was ripped. There was no give as I gripped my arms, which felt much hairier than usual. Then I felt my forearms and... “Holy shit, what on earth?”

They were massive! From what I could feel, they were like those dudes from One Punch Man with the robotic suits that made them muscly. Friggin’ bloated. I poked it experimentally, and winced. Something sharp poked me instead of my nail.

Instead of my nail...

I carefully pressed a finger to my palm, and felt a sharp point. So... I had claws? I felt my fingers, and was mildly shocked to find that they were not taped together, but just different. I had three fingers, and a thumb on each hand, and they were all really big.

Well then. Either I was having one trippy dream, or that Weathered guy turned me into a diamond dog. I patted my face, and felt a muzzle. Short, square, and really hairy. Huh. I booped my own snoot. That felt weird, no wonder dogs flinch when you do it.

I wiggled my ears, and felt something happen on top of my face, instead of my sides. I reached up, and felt the expected sharp dog ears. In between, however, I had a puff of hair that at least felt like the same shape my old hair had. I felt a spot in front of my eyes, and felt a little curl of hair. Yep, it’s mine.

With more pats along my body, I determined that I was, in fact, a diamond dog.

I clicked my flat tongue, and nodded. This was too real to be a dream. Hmm. Dogs should be able to see in the dark, right? I shifted something in my eyes, and the room burst into greyscale. Darkvision logic: the darker the room, the less color.

I looked around, taking note of the jail cell. The roof had wooden beams running along it, and the floor and walls were cobblestone. I looked out the bars, and realized that this prison, wherever it was, reminded me of the Riften Jail from Skyrim, but cleaner. Lovely. I get turned into a diamond dog, and somebody sends me to Skyrim? I looked at my cell mate, but didn’t recognize the figure under the covers. They had curled up, and pulled their cover over their entire body, and head.

I laid back on my cot, and waited for a long time, God knows how long. I just know that I missed the sun coming up, and woke up to a brighter, and more colorful room. I quickly sat up, and looked out the bars. There were khajiit everywhere. Cat people in armor, cat people in cells. I frowned. A bird person was in a cell. Not in Skyrim, then.

Something clicked. Equestria, if the movie is anything to go by, has bird people and cat people! I grinned and pushed away from the bars. I was in Equestria! In a jail cell. Shoot.

II - 100 Bounty Added to Calico

While I waited for my cell mate to wake, I watched the two guards walk back and forth. They were both calico like, with white, brown, and black coats, and little tufts of hair between their ears, much like myself. They had leather looking armor, but surprisingly no helmets. One of the guards had a little blue glass sphere in his forehead, which I took note of.

I looked at myself, and was immediately reminded of a coyote. Dirt brown, with white spots. My muzzle was a pale tan color. I also realized that I was wearing my outfit from when I got arrested, although slightly modified. Brown duster, and a black long sleeve shirt. For whatever reason, I didn't have any pants, though it felt okay enough. I turned my head around and saw a tail wagging. I have a tail now, huh.

My arms were pretty long, as well. When I stood up straight, and reached down, I could almost touch my heels. I glanced at my cell mate, and sighed. They were still dead asleep, but I could see a little bit of black fur. A cat person, like the guards, and most of the others.

Waiting was boring. I walked over to my cell mate, careful of my shifted balance, and nudged them with a finger. It was massive compared to the small figure. My fingers were maybe each thicker than their bicep. The cat person stirred, and stretched out, back in the air like a house cat.

Going from the figure alone, it was definitely a female. Her forehead had a small, brown, glassy sphere embedded in it, which I figure meant some sort of social status, or perhaps a racial trait. She had a black coat that faded into white on the underside of her muzzle, and the front of her neck, and chest. She had coffee color stripes on her face and around her sphere. There were stripes on her neck as well, all the same brown.

She opened her eyes, and glanced over at me. "Great, I got a mutt for a cellmate. Now I have put up with these guards, and your smell."

Rude. I sniffed, and frowned. "It's not like you smell any better. That, and there's a whole bunch of cats around. You have it easy. What's your name, fellow?"

She glared at me, and stood. She had two cloths wrapped across her chest, one a pale blue, and the other a reddish-brown. It covered her, but left her navel open. Perhaps it was humid outside, like a jungle? She had white pants, I don't know the material, with leather wrapped around them at the thighs and ankles. She had some sort of wrap around her feet that protected it, but left the claws open.

Judging from the various empty spots, I figured it was meant to have some belts with it. I blinked, then she threw her arms out. Right, the question. "My name is... King. Yours?" I held out my paw for her to shake.

She just glanced at it, then back at me. "Coffee, and if I hear one snicker from you, I'm gonna slit your throat." I didn't snicker, externally. I just blinked, and lowered my paw. Rude.

I cleared my throat, and began exploring my senses, while Coffee got down on the ground, and began doing push-ups. I realized that I could feel the vibrations in the floor as she pushed, and as the guards moved. I closed my eyes and imagined the vibrations as white waves. Coupled with my hearing and sense of smell, I could still sense exactly where the guards were, and Coffee as she switched to sit-ups.

I was like a mix of Daredevil, Toph, and Beast. It was all pretty awesome. Except for the being in a jail part. Jail. I realized that this place had the same layout as Riften Jail, which meant that... I moved over to the wall far from the bars, careful not to step on Coffee, and began inspecting it. There were two broken shackles, which meant somebody important was really lazy and designed Riften and this jail exactly alike.

I bent down, and whispered to Coffee. "Hey, I might know a way to get out of here." She stopped, and looked up at me.

"I do too. You, being a diamond dog, punch the cell door down, and beat those guards up. I don't know how or why you're here, in Calico, but these cells aren't designed for your kind." So I was in Calico, home of racist, spotted cats. Lovely.

"Huh. I was thinking more along the lines of..." I pressed my ear to the wall and tapped it. The vibrations carried forward someways, then stopped. Which mean that there was nothing behind the wall. "I push on this wall, and we escape through the sewers. This wall doesn't have anything behind it, which means it's unstable." Judging from the footsteps above, we were underground, which meant that this wall really did lead to the sewers. And who said video games weren't helpful?

Coffee stared at me. "Really? Why would there be a hole there?" Huh, déjà vu.

"Gah, trust me. Just say the word, and I will push this wall down." She squinted at me.

"No, we should do my route, then use the sewer hole as an escape. Our belongings are out there, in various chests. I'm not leaving till I grab my stuff." I nodded. That made sense. I wondered what would be in my chest, if anything. Perhaps the stuff in my backpack when I got arrested?

The thought of carrying around a small Vinyl and Twilight in Equestria made me chuckle. "Alright! So it shall be. Say the word and I will break the door down." I shouted with vigor and stood up, beating my chest twice.

I slowly realized that every cat in the jail was staring at me, some with hands over their ears. I was a bit loud, wasn't? Coffee muttered something to herself, quiet enough that I couldn't hear it, and stood. "Go, now!"

I shrugged, smiled, and charged towards the cell door. I threw my fists forwards as fast as I could, and the door exploded off of it's hinges, and rested in the middle of the room. The two guards in the room drew strange black swords. The one with the forehead sphere's hand lit ablaze with a blue fire, even as the sphere began to glow blue.

So the gem-heads are like unicorn cats, but with gems! I threw my fist forwards, and it struck the normal cat's face, throwing her back to the other wall with a crack. Oof. The other guard's fire began to glow brighter, and condense. My Skyrim sense tingled, and I jumped to the side as a ball of blue fire struck the wall.

Coffee exited the cell, and threw a fireball of her own at the guard. The ball hit, and the guard's face caught fire, causing him to scream, and collapse. "Shit!" I threw my hands up. "You didn't have to kill him, especially not like... That!"

"He was going to kill me, now let's go!" She picked up a sword and walked towards the staircase. I groaned and followed.

Two guards came at us, both brandishing long swords. Coffee met the first one's blade with a block, then slashed him across the chest. I simply grabbed the other one by her head, broke her sword arm, and threw her over the railing. She's gonna be fine. Hopefully. I thought to myself.

More guards came around the corner, and threw fireballs as they came. I blocked one with my hand, which was a dumb idea in hindsight because my palm got burnt. I cried out and ducked behind the wall. I saw that Coffee had done the same. I grabbed the now-dead body of the guard that Coffee had killed, ignoring the cat smell, and threw it down the hall.

I heard a few shouts, and the fireballs stopped. Coffee and I charged down the hall, sword and fists swinging. I tossed one guard into another, and Coffee kept stabbing them with her glowing sword. I had to ask how she did that. I got a few nicks and cuts, but nothing too worrying. They just stung, like bigger paper cuts. After putting the guards aside, I took one of their swords, placed it in its sheath, and tied it to my bag.

After we finished catching our breath, we explored the jail, and found a series of chests. I popped some open, and found... a black bag, but it wasn't my black backpack. It was clearly meant to fit around my shoulder, and strap to my waist. Like a messenger bag with a belt attached. I put it on, and opened it. Inside, organized nicely, were professional lock picks, knives, screwdrivers, rope, and all sorts of other tools. Not only that, but I still had the pony figurines! I grinned, and closed the bag again.

Coffee had, as I thought, a belt around her waist, and two around her chest, like an 'X.' She had various dark brown bottles in her belts, as well as a pouch for bits. I nodded and closed my chest. We both went back downstairs by simply jumping over.

The other prisoners began shouting at us to let them go, but we ignored them, and walked up to the wall of our cell. "Well, ready to leave this awful smelling place, and enter an even worse smelling place?"

Coffee nodded. "Anything is better than a jail. Break the wall." I pulled my hands back, and punched forwards. It hurt as they struck the stone, but they still easily broke the wall. I covered my sensitive ears as the rocks all rolled down a slope, into a very foul smelling place.

I made jazz hands. "Tada! Sewer. I actually didn't think that was going to work." Coffee glared at me, then climbed through the hole with her nose covered. I followed.

The stench was awful. My nose was so good at soaking up the stench that covering it did nothing. I groaned in pain as my eyes watered. There were two pathways on the side of the tunnel, with a canal in the center full of flowing you-know-what. We walked through that horrid place for way too long, following the sewage flow. Eventually, I gagged, and picked up my pace.

"Oh my god, I'm going to be sick if we stay here for long. Let's hurry and leave!" Coffee nodded, and we rushed through the sewers, eyes watering, until we found a door leading outside. We silently opened it, walked through, and shivered in disgust.

I shook my head. "Never again. Never."

We exited the sewers, and I got my first look at the surface of Equus. It was... not pretty. Sand dunes as far as I could see, with mirages a plenty. It reminded me of pictures I had seen of the city of Cairo in Egypt...

I turned to my companion."Hey, Coffee, what is your species name? I saw that there were some cat people with gems, like you, and some without."

Coffee turned to me, one brow lifted. "How did you get to Calico without learning who lives there?" I shrugged, to which she rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm a sekhmet, I can use life magic. The gemless ones are bastets, and the ones that look like pegasi are sphinxes."

My eyes widened. Sphinxes are a thing!? I looked up and, surely enough, there were little specks of brown flying around in the sky. That is actually really adorable.

I rolled my mind over the names I was given so far. Cats, named after mythology, living in a desert city called Calico. Definitely the Equus equivalent of Egypt. Well, at least I could figure out a rough idea of where was. The Griffon Kingdom should be to the west, and the dragons to the south-west. Which meant we were going to have to cross a huge mountain range in order to get to Equestria.

I nodded. "Okay, I think I have an idea of where we are."

I turned around, then looked upwards at Calico's wall. From our perspective, it seemed to go on to meet the clouds, a great stone monolith. As stepped back, still looking at it, the sun peeked over, creating a very 2001 effect. I whistled.

"Damn. Those cats really know how to build a wall. Trump would be jealous." I nodded in approval of the wall, while Coffee looked at me like I was crazy. I looked over at her. "Well? Lead the way. That city probably is swarming with guards trying to find us by now, and I don't want to go to prison again."

Coffee stared at me for a moment, then turned her head. "Why should I trust you?"

I thew my paws to the side. "I just broke you out of prison. Now you admit you don't trust me!? C'mmon. C'mmon? C'mmon!"

Coffee drew her sword, which quickly lit up red. "I don't trust things I don't know, and I prefer the quiet method, not the 'grab somebodies face, and throw them over the railing' method."

I rolled my eyes. "I can be sneaky when I want to! I have done dozens of robberies, and I only got caught this last time because some paranoid person put a silent alarm there. That, and half the police knew my face. Point is, I don't like being the bruiser. I can pick locks, free run, smooth talk, I can be a rogue."

Coffee sighed and pulled a scroll from her belts. "It doesn't matter that you can do those things. I prefer to be alone. That way I am the only one I have to count on in a situation."

I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. "Pleeeeease? I don't know this area well. Can we stick together, at least until I can reach somewhere familiar?"

"How did you get here if it isn't familiar?"

"I was kinda wondering that as well. When I got arrested, do you remember them actually putting me in the cell? Because I don't. There's a big gap between today, and... yeah, no I can't remember the last time these grubby paws stole something. So you say you don't trust people you don't know? Well, hey! I don't know myself either! We can figure it out as a team!"

Okay, not exactly a lie, but still pretty dirty. Coffee gave me a dead stare that was becoming increasingly familiar, and unrolled her scroll. "Fine. I'll take you to Dragon Roost, and we'll split from there." I looked at the scroll, and saw a map of the Griffon Kingdom, and the continent of Mammalia around it. To the west was Calvarania, which Equestria was on. It was like the Americas, and Afro-Eurasia.

I looked at Dragon Roost and saw, with delight, that it was next to a country called High Roc, spelled like the giant bird. Both my Elder Scrolls, and Zelda parts were happy with that name. Bird pun meant bird people.

Coffee trailed her finger across the map. "Calico is here, which means we're going to have to go south to get out of the desert, visit Swiftbank, then travel west to Dragon Roost. All races are welcome there, which means we won't have any trouble blending in. We might want to be careful at Swiftbank, however."

I nodded like I knew what she was talking about. "Uh-huh. On estimate, how long do you think that will take?"

Coffee scratched her chin. "A week at most, depending on how long we stop."

I nodded again. "Cool. Random question, completely random. When you look at the moon at night, what do you see?"

Coffee looked up from her map, and gave me another half-lidded stare. "It's blank. Like it has been. For the last few years. Where have you been? You act like you don't even know where you are."

I tilted my head side to side like I was measuring something. "Ehh, not entirely incorrect. Planet of Equus, continent of Mammalia, Bastian Collective, City of Calico. See? I'm only slightly oblivious. Other than those broad strokes, though, I really don't know where I am. Well, we should be off.

I started walking south, determined to get to Swiftbank soon, because that meant getting to Dragon Roost soon, which meant getting to Equestria soon. But, as soon as I exited the shade of the massive wall, and the sun struck me full force, I cringed.

Wearing thick black sweaters was a no-no. I quickly stepped back into the shade, took my sweater off, and nodded. Now I was ready to go.

"King!" I looked in the direction of the voice, and saw Coffee a few dozen feet ahead, walking south. I yelped and ran after her on all fours, which I must say felt strange, but really invigorating. I was fast. "I don't like being with you, but I do have to admit that I owe you one. It would have been months before I got out of there. So, as long you stay nearby, I'll take you to Dragon Roost."

I smiled, and felt my tail start wagging again. "Thank you, Fee. Can I call you Fee?"

"No."

III - White Sands

”DIAMOND DOGS, DI-A-MOND DOGS! Livin’ underground in a--”

“No.”

”......When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!”

“Stop that.”

“What will you do with a drunken d-dog, what will you do with a drunken d-dog, what will you do with a drunken d-dog, eraly in the mornin’?

Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’! Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’! Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’, eraly in the mornin’.

Put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, eraly in the mor--”

“I was really hoping you’d stop on your own there. Stop singing, please.”

I folded my arms and groaned. “Finnnnnneeee.”

The sunlight bore heavily down on us. It had been an hour or so since we had left Calico, and I was starting to get bored. Coffee, as kind and caring as she was, didn’t like to talk. Or sing. I waited for a dozen minutes for the tension to die down, then cleared my throat.

“Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin, wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!

Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan. Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!”

Coffee stopped, unsheathed her sword, and pointed it’s glowing tip at me. “KING, SHUT UP OR I WILL CUT YOU!”

I held up my hands and ran two finger across my lips, then flicked my fingers away. Not ten seconds later, I spoke again. “Hey, I was meaning to ask, why do those swords glow like that? Is it some kind of lightsaber?”

She looked down at her blade, which flared orange. “What? No, it’s a spellsword.” I blinked. “It’s forged from a mix of arcanite, and powdered onyx, so it’s extremely durable, sharp, but can be molded and enchanted easily by my life magic.” As she spoke, the blade lit up brightly, then faded to a dull black.

That was neat. I scratched my chin. “Right. I also wanted to ask, what did you mean by ‘life magic’? What exactly does that include?”

“It relies on my understanding of life and it’s roles in the world. Sustaining life, taking life, creating life-giving warmth. So long as I am rested, I can give my body the nutrients it needs to survive.” Huh, that was actually cooler than I expected.

“That’s why we haven’t considered drink, or food, then? You’re just magicking it into yourself? Because I’m pretty thirsty, and you don’t seem to even be bothered by the heat.” I was panting like a... dog, and my fur was getting pretty coated with sweat. Apparently diamond dogs sweat like humans, but we still need the extra air from panting. It's weird.

Coffee looked back at me. “If you want to eat, or drink, go ahead.”

I looked around and clicked my tongue. “Y’know, I’d take you up on that offer, but there doesn’t seem to be any food or water around here.”

Coffee stopped and gave me a look that suggested I just slapped her. She threw her hands into the air. “How did you end up in the middle of this desert, with no idea on how to survive in the desert!?”

I closed my eyes and shook my head sagely. “I am an enigma, even to my own self.”

Coffee groaned, and took one of the vials around her belt. “Watch closely. You take something sweet, like this sugar water, and you pour it like so...” She uncorked the vial and poured it’s contents onto the ground. It smelled incredibly sweet and delicious. I watched in mixed curiosity and pain as the water sunk into the ground.

Then, to my complete surprise, a green nub appeared, followed by a thick green stalk. It looked like a cactus, but more cylindrical, and without it’s spines. Coffee took hold of it, and tugged. The pod slid from the sand with a wet splorch. Some water bubbled from the hole, which was then filled in by surrounding sand.

“This is a waterbloom. Now, you cut it at the top, like so...” Coffee used her claws to cut around the edge of the waterbloom’s top and pulled. Inside looked almost identical to a cactus’ interior, although there was a cavity in the center which held a plentiful amount of sugar water. “Now you have more sugar water for later, a drink, and food.” She took a bite off the side, and filled her vial back up with water.

Coffee passed it to me, and I drank from the waterbloom, savoring its sweet, cool flow. “Oh man, I needed that.” I paused and eyed the waterbloom warily. “Waterbloom juice isn’t hallucinogenic, or anything, right?”

She paused for just a moment. “No, why would it be?”

I shook my head. “No reason.” Before I finished the drink, I checked in my bag for something I thought I had seen. A bunch of ceramic spherical bottles, with corks at the top. Good for potions, bombs, and sugar water. I quickly poured the rest of the water into a couple bottles, and put them back in my bag for later. “Thanks for showing me that, Coffee. Being stuck in a desert with a sekhmet wasn’t on my to-do list today. I doubt you planned for it, either.”

Coffee glanced at me as I began munching on the waterbloom. “No, I didn’t expect this. Can’t say I’m complaining, though. Freedom in a desert is better than a prison.” She looked at the ground, and mumbled, “Thanks.”

I smiled. I don’t think she meant for me to hear that.

By the time the sun was setting, I had seven filled bottles, out of twelve, and very sore feet. Coffee paused as the sun finally dissipated, then cursed. “I don’t have any wood with me. Normally, I would charge my sword, and use that to keep me warm during the night, but you’re gonna get pretty chilly.”

I lived in the Sonoran Desert back home, I knew that deserts got breathtakingly cold at night. “I’ll put on my other clothes, and wrap myself with my duster. Between that, and my fur, I should be okay.”

Coffee looked back at me, then sighed. “You know your limits better than I do. Don’t come crying to me if it gets to chilly for the puppy, though.”

I was wrong, I was so wrong! The temperature dropped to absurd levels once the sunlight left us, and the world descended into a pitch black darkness, although I could still see, thank you dog eyes. I took a wild guess, and figured that it was around ten degrees Fahrenheit. Arizona dropped to high 30’s, low 40’s in the night. I was shivering, and clutching my duster as close to myself as I could.

I walked up next to Coffee, whose sword was bright orange. “H-how big is-s the des-sert? It can’t be m-much further, ri-ight?”

Coffee shook her head. “We should reach the edge of the desert, and cross into High Roc by tomorrow night.” I groaned, and clutched my duster closer. “On the bright side, though, there is an outpost before then. A place to rest and regulate your temperature.”

Oh thank Celestia. That reminds me... “I’ve never been to Equestria before, though I’m eager to visit. Has anything interesting happened there recently?”

Coffee again looked at me like I was crazy. “You didn’t hear? No, of course you didn’t. That bug queen Chrysalis almost managed to take over the country, again. Her changelings are good now, or something. I don’t really know. I personally still don’t trust them, so long as they can do their weird shape-shift thing. Most the town I lived in got replaced by a changeling swarm when I was young. Didn’t trust anyone after that.”

Damn, that tragic backstory. So I’m at least somewhere after season six, probably in season seven. Coffee surprised me with a question of her own. “So why do you want to visit Equestria?”

I shrugged. “It’s kinda where things are happening. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Tirek, the Elements of Harmony. They all started in Equestria. I know that sounds crazy, running towards the danger, but I’ve at least heard that the ponies there are nice. That, and Canterlot has plenty of nice things that I’d like to have.”

Coffee laughed, then sighed. “Equestria is nice to ponies. If you aren’t a pony, or small and adorable, they’re gonna look at you like you want to kidnap them and their foals. Why did you start in the thievery department anyways? You’re a diamond dog, you can just dig to get gems, gold, and whatever else.”

I frowned. So all those edgy fanfics were right, Equestria is full of racist assholes. “My parents were well enough off in their jobs that I never really wanted anything. When the time came for me to move out, it was relieving to be relying on myself. I soon realized that I was damn good at taking whatever I pleased, and decided to try my hand in larceny. Unfortunately, they caught my face eventually, and I triggered a silent alarm. I think you know the rest of that story.”

Coffee chuckled. “Yep. I never trusted anybody to connect to me, since half the people I knew growing up were actually all monsters. I decided that I was going to make my own way, without anyone else’s help. Eventually, I got a job from a client, but they sold me out when they learned I had a small bounty on my head. I got led into a trap and...” She shrugged.

We were quiet for the rest of the night, just walking in the cold desert air.

We eventually saw a torch in the distance, and Coffee identified it as the outpost. It was a decent sized rectangular stone structure with a magical shield that kept out wildlife, and sandstorms. There was a bonfire, some beds, and a supply of sugar water and wood.

After warming ourselves up, we took some torches, and two beds. They were quite comfortable, especially since they were the first real beds I’d had in a month or so. When I awoke, the sun was just coming up over the horizon, and Coffee was still dead asleep. Cats and their naps...

I got up, took off my clothes from yesterday, and tied the duster around my waist. I felt something itching on my ear, so I kicked it a few times with my legs. It was much better than scratching myself as a human. I walked to the sand outside the shield, poured some sugar water out, and filled two more bottles with the sweet substance for a total of nine bottles. I ate the waterbloom in silence.

After a while, Coffee got up as well, and ate her own waterbloom. It didn’t really taste like much. It was like a sweeter version of lettuce: all texture, no taste.

Coffee eventually walked back to the map that the outpost had of nearby areas, and checked our time. “We should only have a half day of walking in the desert, then we hit High Roc. It’s another day to Swiftbank from there. If we want to make this trip last a week, then I suggest we only take a day or less in the city.”

I nodded. “Sounds good. How long’s the trip from Dragon Roost to... Griffonstone? I heard they have great scones.”

“Really? Huh, I’ll have to visit some time. It looks like the fastest route is to go a ways into the Dragon Lands, then take a boat across the water. It would only take five or so days, but dragons. You can also just follow the coast, which would take a week. There’s plenty of foliage and outposts like this one, though.”

“Who makes these outposts, anyways?”

Coffee walked away from the map, and began packing her things. “Travelers, mostly. You’re meant to take some, leave some, but that’s for the people that can spare their supplies. Those with magic, like myself, charge the solar diamonds that charge the fire, and shield.”

I looked back at her. “Solar diamonds? What are those?”

Coffee laughed, then realized I was serious. “Really? I’m teaching a diamond dog about a gem?”

I shrugged. “I am not a normal diamond dog.”

“Huh. Anyways, there are certain types of gems that... change when exposed to certain elements. Fire rubies, solar diamonds, life quartz, frost sapphire, water opal, you get the idea. They store those elements magnitudes better than any other kind.”

“Oh, okay. I’ve heard of fire rubies, but not those other kinds. Thanks for the crash course.” I snapped my fingers into a thumbs up, to which she nodded.

“No problem.”