Grab Life by the Conkers

by equestria drifter

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Gilda, Random, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2288

dont know what to say.

And shout, "Come on Equestria, I'll have you for breakfast."
Actual concept for what was supposed to be an episode of Ponies, but was lost.
On Trixie and Gilda's magical adventures, they run into George the Volcano, Tyrannosaurus Alan, and Billy Mayes (who's now a magical serpent.)
Narrated by Steven Magnet.
Cameo by Derpy.

Published 2012-07-14 04:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-14 04:04:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Hello folks, this is the ravishing Steve Magnet narrating this lost episode of Friendship is Magic. For one day, the strangest pair came up to me. It happened while I was erotically rubbing lotion all over my beautiful scales, making them soft enough to put any living thing in heat.

“Where the fuck are we going,” said this fucked up yet hot bird lion thing.

“Okay, Trixie admits she is lost, but there is this handsome serpent with the sexiest MOUSTACHE who prowls around here. Maybe he can help us get out of here.”

"If you refer to yourself in the third person one more time, I’ll shove my talons as far as I can up your pussy and grab hold and pull out whatever I can, turning you INSIDE OUT!”

“Oh Gilda, you’re so adorable when you’re angry.”

It was then that this duo walked up to the river I was rubbing in. Unfortunately, I was rubbing my underbelly at the time, and a loud, “Hey you” by the catbird thing startled me. I turned around while accidently still squeezing the lotion all over the catbird and unicorn. The bird lion’s eyes went red with anger; as she was getting angrier, the huge smile on the unicorn’s face turned to a frown as she stopped rubbing the lotion all over her body and said, “Aww, it’s just lotion.”

As she spat some out, the other thing calmed down and asked, “Do you know how to get out of this forest?”

“Yes, just follow the river. However, this is no ordinary river.” Before either of them could ask any more questions I ominously sank into the water just to freak them out.

“This water is so good,” said Trixie, who had her face shoved into the river. “Gilda, you need this.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea.”

“You don’t understand, this water makes me feel so alive. It has brought meaning to the Great and Powerful Trixie’s life. We need to find the source.”

"Well, the only way out is to follow the river anyhays. But I ain’t drinking any of that water.”

“Trixie has a feeling you will by the end of the fic, whether you want to or not!” she said with that crazy, almost twitching look in her eye.

And so the team walked up the river and “Quit following us,” Gilda yelled towards me. I sink a little deeper into the water; hopefully she won’t notice me.

“Hey it’s another serpent,” said Trixie.

“Gather round all you thirsty equines. This is Billy Fuckin’ Mayes here in the volcanicity river. Are you tired of pussy ass piss water from the toilet that is Canterlot. I sure as fuck am. Get your flank down here and drink this water. I wouldn’t even fucking call it water. It’s that good. Drink some….and have your friends drink some to.*sniff*,” yelled a portly serpent with an amazing beard. His eyes were completely bloodshot and his pupils were twice as wide as usual. There was some strange white powder under his nose.

“I don’t know what he’s selling, but I want some,” said an excited Trixie.

“It’s the stuff you’re addicted to right now,” replied Gilda. With that, Trixie trotted over to the stream and used her magic to levitate some water out and submerge herself in it. What she didn’t gulp down she rubbed over her body in a horny way. Gilda then asked the serpent, “What is this crap and what the hell are you doing?”

“This is fucking volvic water. Guaranteed to hydrate you or some of your bits back. You won’t find any better water in Equestria. You’re friend there sure is enjoying it. She likes it so much, if she had a dick, she’d have a boner. Hell, if you were to drink some, she’d probably use her magic to give you one, just so you can get a painful boner for more hours than natural. Get to a doctor immediately when that happens. My job is to get everypony and whatever the fuck you’re supposed to be to drink some whether they are brainwashed or not,” he shouted.

“What was that last part?” said a worried Gilda.

After snorting something off his finger he said, “Never mind the fine print. You’re probably wondering why I’m here. You see, I used to be the fuckin’ man, but now I’m in Equestria, and I’m the fuckin’ serpent. You know you want to drink some volvic. Now are you gonna drink some or am I gonna have to make you using my Billy Mayes powers.”

Wind began blowing, the sky became darker, and there was a hypnotizing vortex swirling in the serpent’s eyes. Gilda grabbed an aroused Trixie who was absorbing in every bit of volvic. “Let’s get outta here,” she said, and they ran and flew off as fast as they could.”

“She’ll drink some,” the serpent said to himself, “Billy Fuckin’ Mayes always gets them to drink some.”

“You’ve got to stop drinking that stuff,” said Gilda to the still horny Trixie.

“You don’t understand, you have not lived until you drink this. I still have some on me if you want to lick it off.”

“I’d be freaked out by what you just said, but I’m a little too scared of that thing.”

The two had entered a large valley and the first thing they heard was “Ay Mr. Volcano it looks like we ‘ave some visitors.” The voice came from a strange looking dinosaur.

“Good, they can watch as rain water filters down through my handsome volcano rocks. ‘ello travelers. My name is George the Volcano. But you with the beak, since you look part BIRD, you can call me daddy.”

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, but I ain’t callin’ you daddy,” replied a confused Gilda.

“Very well, but sooner or later you will accept the fact that I AM YOU’RE DADDY NOW!”

A bushing Trixie shouted, “The source of this amazing water. I NEED some.”

George the volcano then said, “Come on, grab life by the conkers. What have you got to lose? Though those won’t be the only conkers you’ll be grabbing. Mmm.” A dirty look stirred in his eyes, as his lips moved in a seducing manner.

“Oh George, still being suave for the females. Will you ever give up,” said the dinosaur.

“I don’t like this. I ain’t drinking any of this water,” said, you guessed it, Gilda.

“Oh, you don’t drink it so much as it hydrates the shit outta you. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tyrannosaurus Alan and I’ll have you for breakfast.”

“What the fuck is going on here.”

“Hahaha, I used to be like you. No volcanicity in my life. But then I drank the amazing volvic water right as it dripped down from George’s handsome volcano rocks. This liquid will have you waking up every morning and saying ‘Come on world, I’ll have you for breakfast.’ But don’t take my word for it; I’ve only got a brain the size of a pea.”

“I still ain’t drinking that. Trixie’s been horny as fuck ever since she drank some.”

“Well, she’s a mare. There always horny. Imagine having plot like that and not wanting to shove a lubricated instrument of sexual pleasure up it every minute of every day. Now if you won’t drink volvic, will you drink it with some fruit flavor in it?”

George the Volcano then said, “I know how much you BIRDS like a twist of fruit flavor when you’re hydrating!”

Something very predictable then happened. A portal in the sky opened up, and with the rifts of cosmic energy that poured out, so did smoke. The four of them and myself heard some sort of mechanical engine gunning. Out flew Derpy Hooves, who closed the portal shut like a zipper with ease, and began riding across the air in an orb motion on some sort of engine bike. Bubbles flew out from the exhaust pipes. She then rolled the bike to the ground in front of George the Volcano and sang:

Whatever happened to Saturday Afternoon?

After the Last Roundup, thought I’d get sent to the moon

It don’t seem the same since Discord’s light

Came into my life, I thought I was divine

I used to fly around with a colt who’d go

And listen to songs from that t.v. show

A saxophone was blowing at the Grand Galloping Gala

We climbed in the back seat, really had a good time

Hot Doctor Whooves, Bless my soul

Really love that Rock and Roll

I used to shoot lightning from off of the clouds

My hooves kinda fumbled and I burned everything to the ground

Then an angry pony mob drove me outta town

But there was this one stallion who found me, an’ we “went to town”

Get back in the front row and put some mane oil on

Bucky Holly was singing his very last song

With your arms around your mare, you try to sing along

It felt pretty good. Whoo! Really had a good time

Hot Doctor Whooves, Bless my soul

Really love that Rock and Roll

And then Gilda and Trixie began singing the chorus while Derpy ripped out a saxophone and played an epic solo that the author is too lazy to describe. It went on for almost ten minutes. Putting it simply, I challenge you to hear sax blowing like this and not get an erection.

Just after the solo was finished, Derpy began revving up her engine when all of a sudden, Tyrannosaurus Alan ate her. “What the fuck Tyrannosaurus Alan?!” yelled George the Volcano.

“I said I was going to eat someone’s parents. One will do.”

“Alright you scaly bastard. I guess it’s nice to see volvic working. At least we’ll always have the only two things she cared for to remember her by. A motorbike and rock n’ roll clop. Er, I’ll jerk off to that later. Back to the story.”

“Don’t forget to shoot up lot’s of junk,” said Tyrannosaurus Alan.

“Like a low down cheap little punk, don’t temp me Tyrannosaurus Alan. You know I will, but this fic has been going on too long and we need to ‘Winter Wrap’ this up.”

“That was a fucking terrible pun Mr. Volcano. Just awful. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“I’ll self loathe later; right now there’s a unicorn in massive heat indulging the volic water that is freshly filtering down my handsome volcano rocks. She’s just about to be in maximum hydration. Oh no, it will trigger a volcanicity orgasm.”

“A what?” said Gilda.

“Don’t worry, it will all be prevented when I make out with her, I think,” replied George the Volcano. He then picked Trixie up and was about to make out with her, when as soon as they touched lips, he pulled her back and was like, “Holy shit. You taste like Moxie. Get off me, if your Moxieness mixes with the volvic, who knows what will happen.”

“Drink Trixie. You’re afraid to try some, but you know you want to. There’s nothing else in Equestria as distinct as this,” said a seductive Trixie. With that, she used her magic to escape from George the Volcano’s smooth and sensational rock hands, and jumped into the top of him, right into the source of the volcanicity.

“Oh no! You’re Moxie aura has mixed with the volvic to create volvic revive, with ginseng and guarana,” said George the Volcano as he picked up Trixie who was floating in the volvic, now in more heat then anypony should endure. He placed her next to the confused Gilda, to let her soak in the volcanicity. “Now you’ve done it. I’m going to erupt. All of Equestria will be at my mercy. Muahahahaha.”

He then waved his arms in the air and blasted out volvic from the top of him. It rained down over the entire valley. A huge wave hit Gilda, and a large amount went in to her beak, which was open in awe. Before she could spit it out, Tyrannosaurus Alan held her beak shut until she swallowed it. It was the best thing she ever drank. All questions she had were now answered. Meaning had been brought to her existence. She grabbed the still in heat Trixie and put her on her back. She said, “This water is deelic-eeous,” and they flew off in the horizon, towards the sunset.

Billy Mayes then swam up the volvic river, looking and sounding a little crashed, said, “That ol’ Billy Mayes charm. Get’s ‘em every time.”

That concludes our story. This episode was actually supposed to be a prelude to the first two episodes of season three. If you want a spoiler, it starts with these two flying into Ponyville with Trixie shooting off magic stuff in the air, and then saying to all the ponies, “Ponyville, we’ve got you by the conkers!” Gilda then says, “Come on Equstria, I’ll have you for breakfast!”

Aw yes, here’s the disclaimer’s. Nothing insulting was meant to be said towards Billy Mayes. The author has utmost respect for him. The part with Derpy was a tip of the hat to a scene from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Her song was modeled after a musical number from that movie. There’s also another few line’s that make reference to that movie, but I forgot which ones. Volvic water is trademark to the Volvic Company. George the Volcano and Tyrannosaurus Alan are copyrighted to them. A good amount of their lines were either direct quotes or variations of lines from the Volvic commercials, respectively.