Chapter 8: Never Drink with Ponies

I woke up sputtering and coughing my lungs up, a foul semi-liquid flying out. I tried to turn over, but something was on top of me, holding me down. I wrenched my way out, and threw up. In between retches, I fought for air with little success. After what seemed like hours of suffering, the cycle ended.

"F**k... me!" I growled out between breaths. Then, I noticed something else, something quite disturbing. My pants had been opened up, and I was quite wet. I looked back over to where I'd been, and saw Rainbow Dash and Applejack still sleeping with what I'd define as drunken smiles in human form. They... they didn't. They wouldn't! I began inwardly raging and cursing as I tried to make up possible excuses in vain. There was only one answer, one that I prayed wasn't true. Even drunk they wouldn't do that, would they? Are they that horny?

When I heard who could only be Twilight yawn, I buttoned my pants as fast as I could, barely noticing that my underwear wasn't disturbed besides being wet. I spun around to see a disheveled purple unicorn, who looked extremely hung over, "Ooh, my head!" she complained to herself.

Hearing her say that brought my own mind to the present, opening my attention to the sickly pain. Pushing past that, I asked, "Twilight, do you know what happened after I passed out?" There was a tad bit more fear in my words than I would've liked.

She looked at me with eyes that moved separately on their own accord, trying to focus on me, "Vaguely. We played a few games with you, then AJ and Rainbow dared each... other... to..." horror spread across her face as her memory came to a conclusion.

"Twilight, please tell me they didn' dare each other to sleep with me. I need to hear those words." I say obsessively. Her response was a gulp. Oh dear God. I uneasily made my way over to a support beam for the barn, and started bashing my head against it, ignoring the pain and the blood that started trickling down my nose.

When Twilight noticed the blood, she cried out for me to stop, wrapping her hooves around me to pull me away. This woke up the others, who took notice of me still bashing my head despite Twilight's efforts. Which made me worder, she was an alicorn, is her hangover bad enough that she doesn't want to or can't try magic?

The girls managed to stand up, and pulled me away from the bloodied beam. AJ was the first to ask, "Now what in the hey were you doing that for?"

"Brain trauma is equal to memory bleach." I state flatly, still trying to push my way back to the beam.

"What are you trying to forget?" Rainbow asked. This resulted in my stare at the two mares, which was filled with a mix of fear and anger.

"What do you remember of last night?" I ask simply enough.

"Not much really. All I remember is you passing out, and the rest is just blank." Rainbow says.

"You two slept with him." Spike said from the corner. F**k! I forgot he was still here!

Everyone besides me and Twilight look at each other with mixed emotions. Rarity tried, "Which one?"

I groan and collapse the ground, my hangover feeling more and more painful as time went by. "You don't mean-" Fluttershy started and stopped with. All I could do was rolled into the fetal position, cover my head with my arms, and groan. When I managed to look up, both AJ and Dash's heads could be mistaken for red apples. As soon as my eyes met there's, they fell on their butts, and Rainbow Dash managed to surprise me, "I'm never touching another drop of cider ever again."

"Well I sure as hell am. If I can't forget this with brain damage, I'm gonna drink it out." I make it over to where the barrels of alcohol still remain. I don't even bother with a mug as I lowered myself under the nozzle and let the cider flow. Before I could be stopped, I'd been reduced to a drunken, incoherent mess.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Twilight

I can't believe they actually did that! I thought for the millionth time. I was royally angry at my two friends for this. Rainbow Dash, I could see if I really stretched my imagination of her when drunk. But AJ? HOW?! This didn't make any sense at all, even Discord's nature and physics breaking chaos magic wouldn't be able to pull this off.

I shot another venomous glance at the ashamed mares, who were trying to make up for their... whatever it's called by making themselves living crutches for Wolfgang to lean on, "Suh goohd friennnssssss..." He says as his head lolls back and forth. When his head leans towards Rainbow's way, for whatever reason he leaned his head against Rainbow's, and started crying.

"Ah'm suh sorry!" He drunkenly moans, "Iffff I ad merr conrollllllll, 'is wouldn' happen!" He started crying harder, which resulted in him falling face first into the dirt road before Rainbow or AJ could catch him.

"Wow. I didn't peg him for being a sad drunk." Rainbow mused.

"You actually understood that?" Rarity asked in surprise.

"When you've made the same sounds as he did, then it's your second language." Excuse me?

"Rainbow, why would you be a sad drunk?" I asked. Seriously, I don't think that there was one moment in her life that would result in her being horribly depressed.

She shied away from the question with a, "I don't really wanna talk about it." She sniffed sadly, her ears flaying backwards. Her face then contorted to that of a questioning alarm, her ears perking back up as she took another sniff. And another. "Why do I still smell cider?"

"DRUUUUUUUUNK!" Wolfgang emits, his head popping up just long enough to say his stretched word before slumping back down. At least he isn't crying anymore.

"No, I smell the alcohol on his breath, but I smell cider too." She sniffs again, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. Pinkie appeared right in front of us as we all took some tentative sniffs ourselves. Rainbow was right. The alcohol and cider were coming from two different places.

Pinkie Pie took in one enormous, overly exaggerative sniff, "It's on his pants!" She cried.

"His pants?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yep! Right there!" Pinkie pointed at the area between Wolfgang's legs.

None of us wanted to lower our noses so close to something that we... really... shouldn't be near, but our curiosity got the better of us. We took a collective sniff, and found that Pinkie was right. Wolfgang had cider on his crotch. "Thank you Celestia! I didn't actually rape him!" Rainbow cries relieved.

Even Wolfgang raised his head to say, "Yaaay! I'm a vvrg'n. Aww, I'm a vvrg'n." He hung his head again.

I turned to Rainbow, who looked to be blushing slightly, "What did he say?"

She shook her head firmly, "Trust me, you don't want to know."

Applejack turned the conversation, "If we didn't, uh, you know, then what happened?"

Spike took his turn, oblivious to the situation at hand, "Easy! You and Rainbow ran into each other over Wolfgang, and spilled your drinks on him. You tried to clean him off, but you ended up opening his pants by mistake and falling asleep on him. What did you think happened?"

Silence.

"What?" This time, the question was more diverted towards the all consuming silence.

"Don't worry about it Spike, we'll tell you some other time. Right now, let's just get Wolfgang back to his trench." I say. Celestia as my witness, I'm never getting drunk again.

Author's Note

Minor revising throughout chapter. Started this while on hydrocodone for wisdom teeth, and couldn't figure a way out that wasn't creepy, but couldn't bare to delete it.