Raven and His Lovable Fools

by Lunar Raven

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Bon-Bon, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2632

A sarcastic crimefighter, a cross-eyed ditz, and an undercover agent ride into Ponyville..this can only end well.

Note: The author is not liable for the brain cells that shall die as a consequence of reading this lackluster and pointless story of mine. Continue at your own risk.
Serious Note: Do be advised, that there may be material in this story that you do not care for. Maybe it is a joke you do not like, maybe a portrayal that you are not fond of, or whatever. While I value your inputs, and will happily do my part to ensure your pleasurable viewing experience, there are certain things I shall not change, no matter how much you ask, for whatever reason I may have. I will read all comments that I am able to though.

The ECFN, or the Equestria Crime Fighting Network, is a network of many..okay three, ponies who are incredibly talented..okay, foolish, who use their respective skills..or lack thereof, to stop various unnoticed crimes that happen under the snouts of those in Equestria. How do they do it? Usually through arguing the ears of their enemies off..okay, that only happened one time, and it was a lot more indirect, but still.

What is their current assignment that none of you care about? Well, they were assigned to go to Ponyville, and..lay low. Apparently Moonbutt(as Raven loves to call her) thought that meeting the residents therein would be helpful for future missions, having a network of “friends,” so-to-say. It appears that Sunbutt has influenced her more than the ECFN would have cared for, but at least they are still able to carry out their missions as they see fit..whenever they actually get one, of course.

On that note, may the wonderful story of Raven and His Lovable Fools begin!

Published 2017-07-26 00:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-26 19:58:29 UTC

A Long Train Ride

A starry night, not a single cloud in the sky. A cool slicing breeze roaring past as the “Friendship Express”(what a dumb name) chugs along(slowly, might I add), towards the town of Ponyville, where the three fools are heading to begin their wonderful(read: boring) experience in making “friends,” in a backwater town that nopony cares for, save for six particular residents therein.

At this current point in time, there appears to be a fascinating discussion going on between Raven, a dark stallion with a tacky striped fedora and a Cutie Mark(or as he likes to say, Talent Mark) that definitely does not resemble the Cu-Talent Mark of a particular scientist that everyone tries to claim is some time-travelling alien or something(the things you find online, huh?), and a particular cross-eyed grey pegasus, who appears to have just knocked over a platter that was just brought to them. Let us go to them, shall we?

“Are you serious, Derpy?” Raven asks, not amused in the slightest as his coat became the home of fluids and food products.

“I just don’t know what went wrong!” Derpy replied with a shrug. “I was just trying to get a cookie off of the plate,” She continued.

“And to do that, you decided to force your hoof down, destabilize the platter, then push your side upwards as it began to fall, just to have everything on that platter land on me instead of..oh I do not know..the bloody ground!” He retorts.

“Mares, mares, you are both ugly. Clam down,” The other mare says from a nearby seat. “Honestly Raven, you should be thrilled. Now you are not an uncharacteristically and uncreative grey and black, but instead a partial rainbow!” She continues, smiling as he continues to frown.

“I will have you know, Sweetie Drops, that my uncreative look is rather befitting of my name. Besides, at least I have this fedora. That makes me not entirely grey and black,” Raven says in reply.

“Oh yes, your magnificent blue fedora with white stripes, that definitely is not the tackiest thing you could have possibly picked up while we were shopping that one time,” Sweetie Drops replies.

“It is not like I had much in the way of options, considering my colors. The only other thing that was half-decent was a bright white one, and that is too much contrast to be anything but incredibly noticeable and hilariously dumb. Besides, you were the one who insisted I pick something out,” He says in turn.

“Touché, my fair companion. It is still tacky, though. How about you go to the washroom to clean yourself up? Me and Derpy will clean up the rest of the mess,” She responds.

“Works for me. Derpy..” He begins. “..do not blow up this train car. I do not know how you would, but please, do not blow up this train car, or cause this train to be derailed, or make its engine fail. Just..clean up the mess and let that be the end of it,” He finishes.

“You can count on me!” Derpy says with a salute. Raven rolls his eyes with a grin.

“No I cannot, but it is a good sentiment.” He says, going over to the washroom and closing the door.

And so, our heroes engaged in their respective tasks, the two mares in the stereotypical cleaning role of getting everything off the floor and their seats, and the stallion getting the foreign liquids and food products out of his fur. After 10 minutes, Raven comes out, and notices that there is now a replacement platter of food on the platter. This is their remarkably deep conversation that warrants the emphasis being placed upon it.

“Great, more vegetarian garbage,” Raven complains, eating his hayburger in a seat across the way from Derpy and Sweetie Drops, to avoid another round of “Put the food on the Raven.”

“You know how most equestrians are. They do not realize, or most do not care, that our bodies are perfectly capable of, and work much better with, the protein that comes from meat,” Sweetie Drops responds.

“Yeah yeah. You would think we would have learned by now to bring some with us, have Moonbutt apply some preservation magic on it or something,” He says.

“You would actually trust eating that?” She questions.

“..no, I would not. I would be willing to risk it though, if it meant not having to settle for rabbit food,” He continues.

“Point taken. Still though, there is no reason to complain about it. How about you be like Derpy, she is silently eating and enjoying her food,” She points out.

“She will eat anything if you tell her to. Besides, she is probably being quiet because I snapped at her,” He replies.

“Mostly nope on both accounts Mr. Grumps! I really dislike watermelons, and I just do not have anything to add to your conversation!” Derpy says.

“Since when do you not like watermelons?” Sweetie Drops asks.

“Since the one Grand Galloping Gala we went to, where you had me try it,” Derpy replies.

“You ate it though!” Sweetie Drops points out.

“And barfed when I went to the bathroom,” Derpy replies.

“You could have just said something..” Sweetie Drops says.

“You wanted me to eat it, so I did. I am not sure that I would again though,” Derpy states.

“Then do not eat it again. I highly doubt that Sweetie Drops will get offended if you do not want to eat a particular food item. Hell, you should try spitting it into her face. That would make her day,” Raven jokes.

“Do not even try to get her to do that, Raven. I would not mind killing you, but I do not think I would have the heart to do anything to her,” Sweetie Drops responds.

“That is why I should do that, so I can laugh at you freely, and you have no justifiable reason to come after me. Not that you would accomplish much anyway,” He replies.

“You want to bet?” She says with a smirk.

“I do not think Moonbutt would appreciate us getting it on while on the way to Ponyville,” He states in return.

“You little pest, I should-” She begins to argue back, before suddenly a similar incident to before happened, only this time, the food was launched rapidly towards Raven’s window. He ducked out of the way(so acrobatic!) and ungracefully landed with a thud on the ground, but still dry and clean(sort of).

“How..the hell..did you even..manage that?!” Raven yells, to a sheepish Derpy and a laughing Sweetie Drops. All Raven could think of is how we was ever going to survive the rest of this journey, much less their time in Ponyville.

This will be a long train ride yet.

Author's Note

Welcome to the end of "What the hell did I just read," written by yours truly while I was bored waiting for dinner to get done.

So, what is there to say? Not much, actually. If you want to see a picture of Raven, here you go: http://i.imgur.com/yTqC5yB.jpg . Credit to the one who made it for me, who I sadly do not know the name of anymore(I think it was Christgotjar or similar from Legends of Equestria, not sure).

This story will crash and burn faster than I wrote it, but that is okay. I like seeing my ideas go up in flames, it reinforces the fact that I am not funny, and that I am a terrible author. On the off-chance that people actually are interested in the continuation of this story, then I may see it through for more than this chapter, but until then, if this is the last you see of me, I am sorry for the killing of your brain cells. Have a blessed one!

Arrival

When we last left our heroes(wait, you are still here?), Raven was absolutely flabbergasted as to how Derpy could possibly defy logic and shoot food and drink products like a bullet in his direction. Thankfully for him, he was able to get onto the ground, but that still did not make the prospect of cleaning up Derpy’s mess anymore exciting in his eyes.

I shall not bore you with the clean-up, because I do not even want to go through it myself(seriously, Raven complains too much sometimes), but thankfully our heroes are arriving into Ponyville shortly, and so we shall resume our tale at their arrival to the town in question.

“Ever get the feeling that you were just insulted by someone, somewhere?” Raven asks his companions as they unload their luggage, and hop off of the way-too-colorful Friendship Express(still a dumb name).

“Nope. I think you are just that much of a prick that it happens that way,” Sweetie Drops quips.

“He is not too bad,” Derpy says in his defense.

“No, I am a prick, that is a very accurate description. In any case, what is your name this time around? I never asked due to a certain somepony’s distractions,” He responds and inquires, talking to Sweetie Drops.

“Bon-Bon of course. Did you not read the memo either?” Bon-Bon asks.

“No,” He says.

“You should probably do that in the future,” She states.

“Why should I? The briefings usually cover the important details, and anything else I can just ask of you,” He replies.

“You are impossible sometimes, you know that?” She says.

“Thank you for the compliment my fair mare,” He states with an exaggerated bow, causing Derpy to chuckle.

“You look like a laypony seeing Celestia for the first time!” Derpy exclaims.

“Except this one is not even of comparison-” He begins, before getting smacked.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Bon-Bon says.

“I was going to say that you are of no comparison to how much of a rolled-over puppy she is on every single matter in the book,” He says, to a glare. “Okay fine, I was going to make a joke that she was more regal than you, but the former statement stands,” He finishes with a grin.

“I am not even going to bother with addressing the implications of that comment. We have to find a place to stay, after all. I am going to assume that you did not bother checking for accommodations, did you Raven?” She asks rhetorically.

“That was my job?” He asks.

“I really need to start violating protocol or getting it changed,” She says after facehoofing.

“Cheer up there Sw..Bon-Bon! If all else fails, I am sure that we can offer enough bits to a townspony to allow us to stay in their house!” Derpy states.

“She has a point,” He points out.

“And potentially make us compromised in the process? I suppose if we find one of the six rainbow girls or whoever they are then they would be a safe bet, but potentially putting them in harm’s way is not my cup of tea,” Bon-Bon responds.

“You drink tea?” He asks.

“Figure of speech,” Bon-Bon replies.

“Why not use one more accurate?” He inquires.

BB: “Because I do not care.”

R: “You should.”

BB: “Shut up.”

R: “I do not want to though.”

BB: “You are incredibly annoying.”

R: “Hello pot, my name is kettle.”

“Both of you be quiet!” Derpy, surprisingly, yells, causing the two to look at her, and just then realize that they have become quite the scene in the middle of the train station. “Come on, let us go get something to eat. I heard that Sugar Cube Corner has amazing muffins!” She continues, pushing her two companions along.

“Derpy, we can walk, you know,” Raven says after being pushed out of the train station, yet still being pushed.

“For once we agree,” Bon-Bon also states.

“Oh, right! Sorry!” Derpy replies with her signature sheepish grin.

“In any case, you mentioned a Sugar Cube Corner?” Bon-Bon asks Derpy, her eyes lighting up when the topic went back to it.

“Oh yes! I have only heard of the rumors since the meany princess never let us visit this town sooner, but apparently the owner, one of the Harmony Keepers, helps to run that store, and that they have the best muffins and other sweets in all of Equestria! I have been wanting to try their muffins ever since I first heard about it!” Derpy excitedly explains.

“Sounds like diabetes waiting to happen based off the name, but still, I am always for a simple muffin. Lead the way, Derpy, unless you have any objections, pot,” Raven says.

“None at all, Kettle,” Bon-Bon replies with a grin, Raven doing the same back to her before they realize a particular pegasus zooming away towards the place in question.

“Typical Derpy..” The two ponies say in unison, before hurrying after her to not get lost, not realizing how impossible that would actually be.

And so, our heroes progress towards Sugar Cube Corner, not realizing the fact that the whole town appeared to be abandoned, save for those who got off the train alongside them. What could this mean? Did the whole town get “infected,” with some disease they are unaware of? Were they in hiding from an evil enchantress? Did a long-imprisoned villain get released from Tartarus by a particular purple unicorn on accident? Okay, fine, all of those scenarios are pretty silly, but I am just going off of what I am reading on the internet. There are a lot of interesting things to read, I must say.

Anyway, the answer to what happened will be answered soon enough, I just felt like coming in and giving off pointless banter to increase the word count and to avoid a rather pointless transition speel about running through said abandoned town. Hopefully I am not shot by a moderator with no sense of humor, as a dead narrator would make an already crappy tale even more crappy.

Now then, as they arrive at Sugar Cube Corner..

“I think we are missing some important information,” Bon-Bon states as they try to catch their breath, having caught up with Derpy who was patiently(if you call fidgety being patient) waiting for their arrival to Diabetes-R-Us.

“I knew I was not crazy!” Raven exclaims in victory.

“No, you are simply insane. You are my lovingly-insane companion,” Bon-Bon replies.

“Hardy har-har. Anyway, I suppose we should go ahead and go in, since Derpy is likely going to blow up from excitement if we do not hurry up and go inside,” Raven says with a chuckle, pointing to the bouncing Derpy.

“You and your muffins Derpy..” Bon-Bon states with a shaking of her head. “Alright, let us get going inside,” She continues, heading towards the door. As they enter into the building in question, the darkness within was rather unnerving to them.

“What the hel-” Raven begins, before the lights suddenly come on, and an obnoxiously pink pony and seemingly the whole town yells “SURPRISE!”

“You have got to be kidding me..” Raven mutters, facehoofing and groaning as Bon-Bon does similar, and Derpy..does Derpy things, before the metaphorical curtain falls on Chapter 2, to continue when I, the narrator, care to continue it, pursuant to whether or not you lot want me to continue, and whether or not the moderators decide to shoot me.

Author's Note

Hey, guess what I never wrote? An Author's Note!

Though, there is not really much to write here. I got my first dislike, which is always a good sign, but beyond that, thank you for reading, and if you want to make a comment down below, I always enjoy reading the various bashing methods of others, so feel free to do so.

Have a blessed one!