Trading Places

by nabrixwrites

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 2401

My name is Carl Jenkins and NO! I AM NOT A BRONY! Then I, of all people, was sent to Equestria.

Carl Jenkins is just a normal guy. He also happens to not be a brony. Then, through a very hilarious ironic twist, he accidentally switches places with Twilight Sparkle. He becomes a pony and she becomes a human. Both of them have to learn the ways of this new world, through their hilarious misadventures.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-14 06:34:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

        Have you ever sat back and really thought about just how funny irony is? No, seriously. Irony is a strange literary device that, when used properly, can create some very dreadful or very interesting scenarios. Both situations are hilarious. Why do I find dreadful things hilarious? Beats the shit out of me. I guess I'm just weird like that. The literal definition of irony is words or things being used for something other than their literal intention. One of the biggest events in my life happened in a sense of irony. Or reverse irony. Whatever. You'll see what I mean soon enough. Because on the cloudy Tuesday this story starts, I was sent to a place I never expected or wanted to see. In the flesh or otherwise. So sit back, grab something to drink, and enjoy this story. It's a doozy.

        It seemed like any other morning. I got up at 6:15 and got in the shower. Then I spent at least ten minutes just trying to get the water to be the right temperature. Yeah, I know. I'm picky. Then I got dressed, went to the kitchen, made myself a perfect breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon (chewy, it HAS to be chewy) and toast. This is always done by 7:00. What is it with girls and taking forever to get ready? I have no idea. And since my first class isn't until 9:00, I sit back, turn on the tv, and enjoy as I eat my breakfast.

        As 8:30 approached, I packed up my backpack with everything I would need for class today, and headed out the door of my tiny, little apartment. I got in my car (an old '76 Ford) and drove to school. To anyone in high school who is under the impression that college is easy, I want to clear something up right now. COLLEGE IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. My first class today is Psychology, and my professor is a stuck-up, old douche who doesn't care about anyone but himself. He also seems to be devoid of anything resembling emotions. All that is in addition to the fact that the class is really difficult.

        But that isn't the worst of it. The guy who sits next to me, my best friend, won't shut up about ponies. It's kinda hard to be best friends with a guy who is a man child who is into My Little Pony. I'll never hear the end of it. "You need to try the show, dude. You'll love it!" "Why don't I show you some of the fan art?" It's the same thing every damn day.

        Today he was trying to convince me of this My Little Dashie thing, which is apparently the best fanfiction ever written in this God forsaken fandom. "Come on, Carl, it's really good! I just know you'll love it!"

        "No, Austin," I said. "For the last time, I will not try this pony shit. I will not look at the fan art, and I will not read My Little Dashie." He himself may be easy to convince, but I'm not. It's actually come back to bite him in the ass before, because it makes him really gullible.

        "One way or another, you will get into this show," he said after a short pause.

        "Yeah," I said. "I doubt that."

        "Hey!" the professor yelled. He may be yelling, but he didn't seem angry. Again, no emotion. "No talking in my class! Or I'll kick you both out. Understand?"

        "Yes, Professor," we both said quickly.

        "Good," the professor said, turning back around to the blackboard and continuing the lecture.

        After a long pause, Austin leaned over to me and whispered, "One way or another."

        I didn't even bother with a response. I just ignored him and listened to the lecture.

        The rest of the day was boring as usual. I aced a test in Calculus, but I was always good at math, so that wasn't anything new. At the end of the day, I got into my old, crappy car and drove off. By the time I got home, I was tired, grumpy, and I just wanted to sit down and watch tv. After I found something to watch, I decided to relax. But then, a strange sensation came over me. I was burning up. I just got hotter and hotter, and it felt like I was on fire. I needed to do something, but I couldn't move. I was on fire and I couldn't move. Then, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I felt the sensation of falling. Not in any particular direction. Just falling through space. What the hell is going on? I thought. Am I dying? And then, nothing. It was over.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

        "All right, Spike. Are you ready?"

        "Ready!"

        "All right. Spell number 152: Invisibility."

        The day so far had just been spell after spell. I had to practice. I may be in Ponyville studying friendship, but I still had to keep studying magic like I did back in Canterlot. After all, Celestia was coming in a week for an exam. I focussed as hard as I could on nothing but the spell. Soon enough, Spike began to fade out of existence. Before long, he was completely invisible.

        "Aww, yeah. That was awesome, Twilight! You're sure to ace that exam!" the air in front of me said.

        "Thanks, Spike," I said, blushing. "Now hold still, I have to make you visible again."

        Spike began to fade into existence, and I couldn't help but feel a little boastful. When he was completely visible though, he didn't give me time to boast. "All right, what's the next spell?" he said.

         I looked at the study guide. "Uhh... Ah. Spell number 153: Long Distance Teleportation."

        "Teleportation?" he asked. "But don't you already do that on a regular basis?"

        "Short distances, yes," I answered. "But long distance teleportation is much more complicated and requires much more concentration."

        "Oh," he said, sounding half convinced. "Well, let's do it."

        "Okay," I said. I took a deep breath and began. After what could have been two seconds or two hours, Spike started to make a noise. The noise grew into a great sneeze. There was a flash of green light and my concentration broke. Unfortunately, the spell didn't. I began to heat up. Hotter and hotter until it felt like I was one enormous fire. I tried to move, but I couldn't. Then I felt like I was falling. Not in any direction, just falling through space. Then it ended.

                                                 ----------

        Ow. My fucking head. That must have been some party. I felt hungover as fuck. But when I put my hand to my head, I realized that being hungover was the least of my worries. Because when my hand made contact, I realized I didn't have any fingers. At this shocking discovery, I sat up as quick as lightning. Something was wrong with my body. Not only was I fingerless, but I couldn't sit upright. I had to put my hands to the floor. When I opened my eyes to discover what was wrong, I almost passed out again. The world looked crazy. It was way too colorful. And not only that, but everything was a lot more defined, and lacked explicit detail. The final thing was that there were outlines. OUTLINES EVERYWHERE. In short, I was in a cartoon. Then there was the matter of myself. I looked at my arms. They were BLUE! And at the ends, there was nothing. No hands, no fingers. Nothing. My clothes were really baggy and were just lying on me. Whatever I was, I was not human.

        "Twilight?" a voice asked. "Are you okay?"

        I almost fell back over when I heard the other voice.

        "Twilight?" it said again.

        I tried to take off my baggy shirt so I could see the source better. It was... a lizard? Sitting before me was an overgrown purple lizard.

        Then it screamed. "Aaahhhhh! Who are you?" it asked angrily. "Where's Twilight?"

        "I don't know where this 'Twilight' you speak of is. And my name is Carl. Carl Jenkins."

        "Well 'Carl,'" it continued even more angrily. "How did you get here?" it demanded.

        I was beginning to get very angry now. "Well, I have no fucking idea. And how can you talk? You're just an overgrown lizard."

        "Woah, woah. Hold up. I'm a dragon. DRA-GON. I'm not a lizard. I don't do that tongue thing." It then did the tongue thing.

        "Well, whatever you are, can you tell me where I am?"

        "You're in the Ponyville public library," it said flatly.

        Ponyville? Oh. My. God. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. Austin, you sadistic, clever bastard, you. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Great prank, Austin!" I yelled. "I have no idea how you made the world look like this, but you did a good job. Now let me out." I said the last sentence very flatly.

        "Austin?" the dragon asked. "What are you talking about? No one's pranking you. There was just a flash of light, Twilight vanished, and now you're in her place."

        Okay, I guess I'll play along. Looking over myself, I realized that I must be a pony. Austin spared no expense. After realizing this, I figured that my clothes would be more of a hindrance than a help, so I stripped. It was hard to walk with my new body. I'm not used to four legs, and and no fingers or toes, but I got the hang of it pretty quick.

        "Well, you obviously are just as clueless as I am about this," the dragon said. "So I won't press."

        Then, a voice echoed through my head. It was Austin's. "You will get into this show one way or another." Oh, ha ha. Austin, you're so funny.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

        Ow. My head. What happened last night? Pinkie Pie really out did herself because that must have been some party. I moved my hoof to my head only to realize that my hoof had little stubs on it. My eyes shot open. I couldn't believe what I saw. What the hay is going on? The world lacked crisp, clean lines and was very dull and gray. There was also much more detail. In front of me was some sort of film playing, but I didn't recognize it. It was also in color! Well, what little color you could find in this gray world. I tried to locate the projector, but I couldn't find it. It seemed to be playing on some sort of machine. I made a note to myself do find out how this contraption worked.

        Then there was the matter of myself. I realized I was very cold. I looked down at myself and realized that I had transformed. I was some sort of hairless monkey. But I didn't have a tail. In fact, the only places I seemed to have hair were on my head and in between my legs. At least I still have a mane. I looked down at my chest and saw two very peculiar looking bags hanging from it. I lifted them up and let them fall. They bounced around and then went still. They must be part of me. On each of them was a single nipple. In fact, those were the only two I had. Only two nipples? Now THAT'S weird. I deduced that this must be how this creature lactates. The bags must be very large mammary glands.

        A sound then interrupted my thoughts. It sounded like a knock at a door. I stood up to answer it, only to fall back down again. It was hard walking with only two legs, especially considering they didn't end in a hoof. At the bottom of my feet were the weirdest paws I had ever seen. They were very long and very narrow and the fingers were tiny little stubs, with a fat one on the inside. The knocking continued. I stood back up, wobbled a bit, but stayed up. Slowly, I made my way to the door I heard the knocking come from. I reached out my hoof━uh, PAW━and turned the knob.

        Standing before me was another one of these hairless monkeys. It was wearing clothes. It had on a shirt garment and leggings. I wondered if this was normal for these creatures. It looked at me for a moment and then burst out in laughter. "Ha ha! Damn, Carl scored bigtime!" I suddenly had the urge to cover the bags.

        The creature walked in and spoke again. Judging by the voice, I deduced that this one was male. "Carl!" he called. No answer. "Carl?" he asked. After another moment of silence, he turned to me. "Hey Nudie," he said. "Where's Carl?"

        I suddenly found my voice. "Who?" I asked.

        "You know. Carl Jenkins. You're sleeping with him."

        What is he talking about? I'm single. I'm not sleeping with anyone. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

        "Well, if you're not sleeping with him, why are you naked in his appartment?"

        I guess being naked here is considered strange. "Sorry. I didn't know being naked was considered strange."

        He looked at me with a quizzical look on his face. "Did you take stupid pills this morning? How would you not know that?" He paused, then asked, "What's your name?"

        "Twilight." I said. "Twilight Sparkle."

        His reaction was the last thing I'd expect. He gave a soft chuckle. "Heh. That's a good one." After he looked at my face and saw that I wasn't joking, his smile turned to an expression of confusion. "How did you get here?" he asked.

        "Well, I was in my library, practicing a long-distance teleportation spell, but my concentration broke. Next thing I know, I'm sitting on that sofa."

        He just stood there, looking skeptical. We stayed like that for several minutes. Finally, a smile grew on his face. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed. "Twilight Sparkle in the flesh! Not exactly how I pictured this meeting, but who cares?" After looking me over again, he said, "Well, first, we have to get you clothed." I followed him into another room. The whole time, all I found myself thinking was, Wow. This world is weird.