All My Friends are Heathens

Eleanor's POV.
It's been a quiet day in SugarCube Corner. That's a good thing. Pinkie was in the cellar, with our newest victim: Candy Mane. Sam took the job of going to Manehatten to get some more of the average ingredients. Flour, sugar, corn starch, you get the idea.

It's been about a week since my sister and I joined Pinkie's family. Applebloom has joined the family little over a month ago. Her first victim was Diamond Tiara. Hehehe. That bitch had it coming.

*Ding* *Ding* The doorbell rang, startling me back to reality. Entering the café was a young pegasus mare. But this one was no ordinary mare.

Her fur coat was grey. Her mane and tail were a light blonde. Lighter than Sam's. Eyes were a golden sheen, but they can't seem to meet the center focus on her eyes. The mare wore her casual attire, which consisted of a white t-shirt under a light beige turtleneck sweater. And a pair of dark grey pants with her Cutie Mark under her left pocket.

It was our friend Derpy Hooves, but I call her 'Ditzy' because it makes her sound cute.

"Hey, Ditzy." I greeted, "What can I get for you?"

"Half a dozen of the candy cane muffins, please." Ditzy requested politely.

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Sorry, we seem to be out of the candy canes." Then assured with a smile, "I'll notify Pinkie and we'll get a fresh batch on the way."

Ditzy waved her hand, "That's okay. I can ask her. Do you know where she is?"

"She's in the cellar, restocking the flour and sugar." I answered quickly, pointing to the closed door behind my right.

I quietly tapped my left hoof three times. It's the signal telling Pinkie somepony is looking for her. One is Sam. Two is Applebloom. Four is me.

Ditzy wasted no time walking to the back of the counter and opening the door to the cellar. The stairway was dark, but a light was sneaking by the corner. She walked down the stairs.

"Watch your step down there, Ditzy!" I called, "The last step is a doozie!"

I left the counter and turned the open sign over to the closed sign. I walked to the door to the cellar. I heard a loud "Oof!" before I closed the door. Then I started with my cleaning duties.

Pinkamena Diane Pie's POV.
I jumped in startle, as I heard a thump hit the ground. I turned to see it was Derpy on the ground. She must have fallen from the last step on the stairway. No wonder why my tail was twitching.

"Hi, Pinkie!" Derpy greeted me happily.

I was a little nervous, but I knew how to handle this.

"Hey Derpy." I greeted with a smile of my own, "Did you need something?"

"Nellie said you'd be down here, so I thought I'd come find you." She explained, picking herself up, "I wanted to ask if you could make some muffins!"

I looked at Candy Mane, who seemed to be show wear of the sleeping drug.

"Well, I was planning on making cupcakes today... But..." I paused to think for a moment.

I know that Derpy is not stupid, per-say, but she's not exactly like the other ponies. She's just a bit mentally challenged, but she is a sweet pegasus, nonetheless.

An idea hit me.

"Derpy, wanna help me make your muffins?" I asked, with my usual big smile

"Oh yes! Yes!" Derpy answered, bouncing up and down.

"Okay, but you gotta promise me something." I started.

"Anything!" Derpy replied.

"Don't tell anypony about my secret ingredient." I told her.

"What's your secret ingredient?" She asked.

Then, as if on cue, Candy Mane became fully conscious.

"W... Where am I...?" Candy Man asked drearily.

I led Derpy to the table, "Well, you see, everypony in Ponyville has a number, and when that number is drawn, I go get the pony."

Candy Mane struggled against her bindings, but was listening to our conversation.

"So everypony has your secret ingredient?" Derpy asked.

"Yes." I answered, "But we need to get it out of them first! But baking is fun, so we play a little bit before harvesting!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Candy Mane said loudly. Derpy and I looked at her, "Why am I tied up? What do you mean harvesting?!"

I giggled, unable to contain my excitement, "Candy, today is a special day for you!"

Derpy began to giggle with anticipation, excited about this new event.

"You're gonna help me and Derpy make muffins!" I explained, "We were gonna make cupcakes, but Derpy likes muffins better, don't you Derpy?"

"I do! I do!" Derpy answered, hopping again.

"How can I help if I'm tied up?" Candy Mane asked, with an angry expression.

"Oh, that's the most important part!" I happily answered, "We need you to stay still!"

Candy Mane started looking around my beautifully decorated cellar. The 'Life is a Party' banner. The streamers. The furniture. The skulls. Even Rainbow Dash.

"What the hell is going on?!?" Candy screamed, which made Derpy flinch.

"Pinkie, I don't think she wants to be here." Derpy told me, a little shaky.

"But Derpy, her number was pulled." I replied, "We have to. It'll be fun! Trust me! I've been doing this for a long time, and after this we can make your muffins!"

The smile returned to Derpy's face, "Oh yea! Okay, I'm ready!" She answered, as Candy Mane began to panic and struggle wildly, "What do we do?"

"Well, I like to save the Cutie Marks, so..." I explained, pulling a scalpel off of the metal stand that held my tools. "Watch carefully, Derpy."

Derpy came closer, watching as I carved a circle around Candy's Cutie Mark of three hard candy sweets. Candy Mane screamed and cried, trying to break her bindings, but it was no use. Then I dug the scalpel under the skin to slice it away from the muscle.

"See?" I asked, holding up the patch of skin in front of Derpy.

"Can I do the next one?" asked Derpy.

"Of course!" I answered, delighted, then warned, "But be careful not to cut yourself Derpy, and try not to cut the Cutie Mark. We want it to still be nice and pretty."

Derpy took the scalpel and held it up to Candy Mane's other flank.

"No, Derpy please, no!" Candy begged, sobbing.

Derpy shakily pierced Candy's hide and carved a little messy circle around the mark. It did the job, though.

I clapped her hands together, cheering, "You got your first Cutie Mark!" Then I offered, "You can keep it if you want!"

"Really? No fooling?" Derpy asked, smiling broadly.

She tucked the Cutie Mark under her wing for safe keeping.

"Now what do we do?" She asked.

"Now we have some fun! We can do anything we want to her." I answered, then asked, "What do you think we should do, Derpy?"

Derpy thought for a moment, and then gave a great hop.

"Can we take away her legs?" She asked happily.

Candy wailed again, trying to call for help as tears ran down her face.

"Yes! That's a great idea!" I smiled, grabbing my hacksaw, which was still stained with Rainbow Dash's blood. "Hey Derpy, maybe you can answer this. Why do they call it a hacksaw, if it doesn't hack?" I asked, as the question came to me.

"Um..." Derpy started, nervously rubbing her hands, "Maybe... Maybe you can also hack with it!"

I laughed, "I never thought of that!" Then offered the saw to her, "Wanna give it a try?"

Derpy took the hacksaw and skipped closer to Candy Mane.

"Listen, Derpy..." Candy pleaded. "Killing ponies isn't good! It's bad! Please don't hurt me anymore!"

"But we need the special ingredient, or else Pinkie Pie's muffins won't be as tasty!" Derpy chirped.

She leveled the hacksaw right above Candy's left knee, then pulled back her arm, and swung the saw. It broke the skin just a bit, and Candy Mane screamed again.

"Keep trying, Derpy!" I encouraged.

Derpy began to hack at Candy's leg violently with all of her strength. Over the Earth pony's screeches, Derpy was laughing giddily.

"This is fun!" She cried. However, when she got to the bone, she couldn't hack anymore, "Pinkie Pie, it won't go through!"

"We might have to actually use the saw part now." I replied.

"Please stop! Please stop!!" Candy Mane bellowed.

Derpy began sawing through the bone, and Candy Mane's eyes widened.

"Oh no..." I gasped, "I think she's about to faint."

Derpy sawed her way through the bone, and the severed leg lay limp, still strapped to the table. Candy was hyperventilating now.

"Here, let me do the other one." I offered.

Derpy handed the hacksaw to me, and I made quick work of Candy's other leg.

"Pinkie, I think she's sleepy." Derpy alarmed.

I pulled the detached legs from the straps and threw them aside.

"I can fix that!" I jabbed a needle into Candy Mane's arm and injected a shot of adrenaline into her.

She gasped, breathing hard and continuing to sob.

"Pinkie, please..." She begged weakly.

"Derpy, wanna see what an eyeball feels like?" I asked.

Derpy nodded excitedly. I took my scalpel again, along with a spoon, and got closer to Candy Mane's face.

"No, please NO!" With another blood curdling scream, she felt the scalpel cut the membrane holding her eye in her socket.

I took the spoon and carefully scooped out the slimy ball, slicing the optic nerve. I brought the bloody eyeball to Derpy, who nudged it onto her nose, smiling.

"Ew! It's all gooey!" She giggled. "Can I play with the other one?"

"No, we want Candy to see everything until she has to go." I answered.

"Okay!" She dropped the eyeball to the floor, rolling it with her hoof before stomping on it with a cry of joy.

I took one of her knives and set it in a pot of burning coal that was heating up some nails.

"We're going to heat this knife up." I explained to Derpy, "And then it will be hot enough to make marks on her hide. Do you like drawing, Derpy?"

"Yea! Yea!" Derpy jumped up and down, then skipped up next to me.

Candy Mane wasn't screaming or struggling anymore, just simply sobbing, her empty eye socket spilling blood infused tears.

After a few moments, I handed Derpy the hot knife.

"Careful, it's hot!" I warned her.

"I know exactly what to draw!" Derpy cried, and touched the tip of the tool to Candy's chest.

She tried screaming, but her voice was hoarse and cracked when she tried to make a sound. Derpy took her time drawing her masterpiece, and even had to reheat the knife a couple times. When she was done, it was a very messy stick pony with curly hair.

"Aw, is that me?" I asked.

"Yea!" said Derpy. "Cause you're my bestest friend!"

My lip trembled, and I hugged Derpy tightly. She really is a sweet pony.

"Okay Derpy, I know we haven't played for very long, but I bet you want your muffins, huh?" I asked.

"Yea!" Derpy nodded.

I handed her the scalpel once more, and then traced a line on Candy Mane's abdomen with my finger, showing where to cut.

"You're going to cut her open, but first I'm going to numb her." I explained, pinking up a syringe with light blue liquid.

I gave Candy another shot of something. After a few minutes, Pinkie gave the okay to Derpy, who began carefully cutting open Candy Mane's belly.

Her hands were shaky, but she bit her tongue with concentration as she tried to keep the scalpel steady. Candy Mane watched in horror. She couldn't feel it, but she could see her own body being cut open.

"Now what?" Derpy asked me.

"Now, start pulling out whatever squishy thing you see and toss it into this bucket!" I answered, then added. "I usually try to make jokes to entertain our guest, but you can do whatever you want!"

Derpy smiled and chose an organ. It was Candy's liver. Derpy tugged hard, finally managing to rip it away, then held it up for Candy Mane to see.

"Look, Candy! It's a Lively Liver!" She gleamed, and I giggled.

Then Derpy pulled out the kidney.

"Kind Kidney loves to go with Lively Liver to her house and play!"

She tossed the two organs into the bucket.

"But Sad Stomach is very sad because he never gets invited. But it's okay, cause Bad Bladder will go with him to crash the party! Playful Pancreas hears their plan and tries to stop them with the help of Silly Spleen, and they go to warn the others. The Intestine Twins go over too to try and bring peace to them! They don't like fighting. Then Laughing Lungs comes over to see what all the fuss is about! Sad Stomach and Bad Bladder argue with everyone until they get a call from Helpful Heart..."

Derpy grabs the still beating heart, but doesn't pull it out yet.

"She says, 'don't fight! We should all be friends and play nicely together!' And then everyone makes up and has a good time..."

She pulled the heart out, and Candy slowly began to fade.

"The end!"

"That was great, Derpy!" I cheered, clapping my hands enthusiastically.

"Now what?" She asked me.

"Now we gotta skin her and pull her bones apart. It gets a little annoying, but it feels great when we're finally done!" I answered.

Together, Derpy and I began cutting up the remains of Candy Mane.

*A Little While Later...*
Narrator's POV.
Pinkie Pie took the tray of candy cane muffins from the oven and set them on the table in front of Derpy, Eleanor, Applebloom and Samantha.

"Wow, Miss. Pinkie!" said Apple Bloom, taking a warm, fluffy muffin. "These look great!"

They started eating the muffins, and Derpy giggled.

"How are they, Derpy?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"They are great! Better than any muffin ever!" she exclaimed.

"Better? These are the most awesome candy cane muffins." Samantha smiled, "Well done, Derpy."

"Can I help you bake more often?" Derpy asked with a smile.

"Of course!" Pinkie nodded.

"Just be sure to keep our special ingredient secret." Applebloom reminded her.

"Okay!" Derpy nodded, helping herself to another muffin.

Eleanor gave Derpy a small hug, "Yay! I'm not only odd one here!"