All My Friends are Heathens

Derpy Hooves' POV.
I was so nervous today. I was trembling so bad I was struggling to keep my hands still, as I tried to clean off my scalpel in the sink. I was on my own in the cellar of SugarCube Corner, waiting for my very first victim to wake up.

Pinkie Pie, Nellie, Sammie and Applebloom were upstairs, readying the café for opening.

My trembling got worse, as I dropped my scalpel on the ground with a ting, "Ooh," I gasped, "Oooooh..." I quickly picked it up and put on the metal table, near the operating table.

My victim started to stir awake.

Her name was Roseluck. An Earth Pony mare with a pale yellow coat. Raspberry mane and tail with light raspberry streaks. Similar styles to Amethyst Sparkler and Lyra Heartstrings. And light green eyes. Cutie Mark of a single blooming rose with two leaves and a stem.

She was a gardener pony with Daisy and Lilly.

"Wha..." Roseluck started, as she woke up groggy. Once completely awake, she looked around, "Wh... where am I?"

I walked toward her, and greeted with a timid smile, "Hello!" My voice was cracking from how nervous I was, "My... my name is Derpy, and you're going to... to..." I grabbed a card from my pocket and furrowed my brows, as I focused to read it, "You're going to... help me... make... muff... ins..." I gasped and smiled, "Muffins!"

My nervousness melted away and I danced on the spot with joy. I turned to Roseluck and the nervousness was back again.

"Muffins?" Roseluck repeated, as she tried to get off the operating table. But she was tied by the metal restraints. "H-hey! Why am I tied to this table?!" She asked.

"Well, Pinkie Pie says you need to be tied up or else you'd run away, and then I won't have muffins. I really like muffins." I began explaining, as I looked over the tools on the metal table, "Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom like making cupcakes, but I'd rather eat muffins. Nellie and Sammie are good at making other pastries. Éclairs and shortcakes are their best!"

"Why do you need me to make muffins?" She asked in a timid tone.

"Pinkie Pie told me to pick a number out of a jar, and your number came up." I answered. My shaking made my wrist nudge a knife, knocking it to the ground, "Oops! Oh no..."

"Derpy, what do you mean 'number?' I still don't understand!" She shouted.

"You have the special ingredient I need," I explained, putting the knife back on the table,"You're my first pony though, so I'm a little nervish. Please don't be mad at me if I mess up."

Roseluck began yelling for someone to help her, but no pony did.

"Oh, don't yell! It makes me more nervish!" I told her, pleading for her to calm down.

"Do you even know what you're doing, you retard?!" She shouted at me.

I flinched with tears welling up in my eyes. I lowered my head, so my bangs shadowed my eyes, "I'm going to start now..."

I picked up my scalpel. Roseluck struggled, but her efforts were wasted as I tried my best to carve a circle around her cutie mark.

Roseluck screamed and started sobbing.

"Stop! STOP!!" Derpy whimpered, but my hand jerked and I accidentally cut through the stem of Roseluck's mark.

"Pinkie Pie!! Nellie!!" I wailed.

I collapsed to the ground, hugging my knees close to my chest. My wings and tail hugged around me and my face in my hands, as I cried.

*Meanwhile, Upstairs in the Café...*
Pinkamena Diane Pie's POV.
It was quiet in the café. That'll give Derpy what she needs with her first victim. Right now, Applebloom and I were stocking the shelves. Sammie and Nellie were cleaning the kitchen.

While mopping the sugar off by the back door, Nellie shivered and froze. I've seen this before, whenever Ellie senses something wrong, or feeling another pony's emotions. It's a family traits to sense and do things other Earth Ponies can't.

I call Nellie's gift a 'Winkie Sense'. A blend of 'wisp' and the family nicknames. It starts with a shiver running down her spine, her Cutie Mark of three wisps moving, then a random reaction afterward. Right now, she's frozen.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Applebloom asked.

"Someone is distressed. Nervous and upset." Nellie answered.

Before I can ask who, a familiar voice cried, "Pinkie Pie!! Nellie!!"

Nellie gasped, "Ditzy!"

She ran to the door and galloped down the stairs. I quickly followed after her and my eyes widen with worry and shock.

Derpy was curled in a ball, crying. Nellie was stroking her mane in a soothing manner.

I ran up to my friends, "Derpy, what happened?"

"I..." Derpy gasped, sobbing. "I... d-did... it... wr-wrong...!" She looked at me, her eyes trying to focus on me, "I m-messed up!!"

I stroked her back and assured, "It's fine, Derpy! It's your first time! No one's perfect!"

"B-but I w-wanted to d-do it on m-m-my own this t-time!!" Derpy wailed.

"I'll help you today and you can take another shot at it next time," I offered, then asked, "Is that okay?"

Derpy wiped her eyes and nodded, giving me a weak smile. I smiled back.

"Pinkie Pie! Ellie!" Roseluck shouted, "What are you two doing?! Why are you teaching her these things? She doesn't know right from wrong, she's too stupid to know what she's doing!"

Nellie looked at Roseluck with a solemn look, but her eyes screamed with anger. She walked up to the tied up gardener pony and, suddenly, ripped her Cutie Mark all the way off with a swift move.

Roseluck shrieked in pain, looking down at her bleeding flank.

"You have no right to call Ditzy stupid..." Nellie told her in a calm whisper, "She's smarter than anypony I've known..."

"Nellie, she also said I was a... 'retard'." Derpy told her with an angry pout.

I gasped. Nellie punched Roseluck across the face with her right fist, giving her a black eye.

"You dare..." She hissed in her calm, raspy voice, as the entire cellar grew cold and an aura of darkness radiated from her body.

Yeah, Quartzite Marble Pie is very scary when she's peeved. Never get on her bad side.

I ran to the bottom of the stairs and called up, "Applebloom! Samantha!"

The door opened again and the little filly came trotting down, followed by the sapphire unicorn.

"What's wrong? What happened? Why is it cold down 'ere?" Applebloom asked in an urgent tone, shivering on the last question.

Nellie remained unmoved, but her stare turned murderous, as the aura intensified.

"Oh boy..." Sammie grimaced.

I pointed to Roseluck, "Roseluck called Derpy a retard."

Apple Bloom gritted her teeth, as she slowly approached the trapped pony, "Well, that wasn't very nice..."

"How can you say that?" Sammie asked, folding her arms.

"Apple Bloom?! Sammy?" Roseluck screeched, "You're part of this too?!?"

"Of course I am!" said Apple Bloom happily. "I've gotta earn my cutie mark some how!"

Sammie shrugged, "Someone needs to keep an eye on Ellie." The whispers into Rose's ear, "She's not the most stable of all of us. She can kill with a stare."

Roseluck started crying.

Applebloom took a look at Derpy's tools, "We need to punish you for hurting our sweet Derpy."

She chose a small hand axe and held it up, ready to swing--

"Wait!" Derpy cried, making Applebloom stop in her tracks.

Applebloom, Sammie and I looked at her. Nellie blinked back to reality and looked at Derpy too. The cellar returned to normal temperature and the aura was gone. Derpy stood up and slowly walked to Applebloom, taking the axe from her.

She turned to face Roseluck, "I'm going to do this on my own like I said I was."

"D-Derpy!" Roseluck sobbed, as Applebloom, Sammie cheered, and Nellie smiled, "Please, you don't know what you're doing!"

"I know just what I'm doing!" Derpy screamed, "I may not understand so good, and I may not talk so good, but I do know that I am going to chop you into bits and make you into muffins."

An evil grin grew on her face and she narrowed her crossed eyes, "Didn't I tell I love muffins?"

"You're going to kill me!" Roseluck cried, struggling violently.

"Yup," Derpy grinned, and she swung the axe, chopping off her left arm.

Roseluck screamed even more as Applebloom rushed forward with a bucket to catch the blood.

"I'M NOT STUPID!"

Derpy swung again and chopped off her right ear.

"I'M NOT A RETARD!!"

She threw the axe to the floor, breathing hard and grabbing her scalpel again. She walked over to Roseluck's other Cutie Mark and managed to carve a neat circle around the rose. Roseluck was breathing heavily, sobbing still, her voice hoarse from screaming.

"Alright, Derpy!" I cheered with a smile, "That was a perfect Cutie Mark cutting!"

Derpy smiled and nodded, "Thanks Pinkie! I'm glad to do good! I'm not nervish anymore!"

She gave a small dance, her hooves clacking on the cement floor. Then she suddenly slashed a deep cut in Roseluck's chest. It started to bleed freely.

Derpy gasped and covered her mouth, "Oh sorry! I'm so clumsy. Lemme make you better!"

She took a needle and thread and started sewing the wound shut very roughly. Roseluck winced, shaking her head back and forth desperately.

"Oops! Clumsy me! I messed up."

Derpy cut the wound again, slicing the stitches, then started sewing it back up.

"Oops!"

She repeated this process a few times before just giving up and jabbing the needle right into the gash.

"I just don't know what went wrong!"

"Hey Derpy," Applebloom, called, "I've got something special for you!" She held up a large pair of plyers, and Derpy took them.

"What should I do?" Derpy asked.

"Whatever you want!" I answered with a bounce.

"Ditzy, I have an idea." Nellie spoke up with a grin. She walked over to our friend, and whispered something into her ear. It was so quiet, I couldn't make it out. I should have called her 'Linkie Pie', instead of 'Shinkie Pie'.

(A little reference to a character who also lets his actions speak louder than words. )

Nellie stepped away from Derpy. Derpy gripped the plyers and grinned, "Yeah. I wanna play dentist!"

She started ripping out Roseluck's teeth one by one with the plyers. The teeth landed on the floor with a little tink sound. Once Derpy was satisfied, she dropped the plyers and started chucking the teeth at Roseluck as hard as she could. They left scrapes and welts on her body.

"Derpy..." said Roseluck weakly. "Please..."

Derpy pulled a lever to rotate the table to stand vertically. Then she turned away from Roseluck and started kicking her repeatedly with her back hooves. There were cracks as ribs were broken, and large bruises began to form.

"Careful, Derpy," I told her. "We don't want to damage her organs too much!"

"Okie dokie lokie!" Derpy saluted, then started kicking Roseluck's legs, breaking them in several different places.

I smiled and turned to my friends, "I'm so proud of her! It's like having a little sister!"

"She's just as insane as we are." Nellie grinned in delight, her eyes not leaving Derpy and Roseluck.

"You sure did teach her good, Pinkie Pie!" Applebloom told me with a smile.

Finally, Derpy ceased her kicking, Roseluck's legs resembling a couple of strangely shaped sticks. Roseluck was still crying, but didn't even bother to scream or plead; she was too weak.

"Pinkie, should I finish up?" Derpy asked me.

"If you feel you've had your fun!" I answered.

Derpy fluttered briefly with happiness, and then took her scalpel again. She cut two horizontal lines, one below her ribs, and one above her pelvis. Then she connected them with a vertical cut straight down the middle.

"Don't you want to numb her first?" Applebloom asked.

"No." Derpy answered, opening up Roseluck's abdomen, "I want her to hurt lots. She called me stupid."

"Revenge!" I sang, "It's best served in muffins!"

Apple Bloom came forward with her bucket and held it up for Derpy, who started pulling organs out.

"We return to the story of Lively Liver and his friends," Derpy started, pulling out the liver.

"Bad Bladder and Sad Stomach form a new plan to make Lively Liver very sad."

She pulled out the bladder and stomach.

"They want to make Laughing Lungs think that Lively Liver stole her favorite dress! This makes Laughing Lungs not laugh so good, and Lively Liver keeps telling her that he didn't do it! Playful Pancreas knows Lively Liver wouldn't ever do such a bad thing and tries to prove that he is good."

"And down comes Kind Kidney to tell that Bad Bladder and Sad Stomach do bad, and all the other organs know the truth. Helpful Heart comes over to make happy again, teaching them all about friendship and honesty..."

Derpy dug out the remaining organs, including the heart, and dropped them into the bucket. As Roseluck's head lopped forward, Derpy finished, "The end!"

"I think we've got everything we need!" Applebloom spoke up, holding up the bucket.

"No, we still need to skin and debone Roseluck and collect the rest of the meat," I chirped in.

"Oh yea!" Applebloom nodded.

"Did I do good, Pinkie Pie?" asked Derpy me nervously, bowing her head and putting her ears back.

I gave her a huge hug, nuzzling her, "You did fantasterific!" I giggled, "I'm making you my new little sister! I love you, Derpy!"

"Yay! I have a sister!" Derpy exclaimed, overcome with giddiness.

Nellie threw her arms around her as well, "Make that two sisters, Ditzy."

"Now let's get to work," I spoke up, holding up a knife. "We gotta make those muffins!"