The Misadventures of Puffin Pearce

by Something Happened

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, Adventure, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5608

Memoirs of a human traveler and his reluctant adventures across a strange fantasy land.

Memoirs of a human traveler and his reluctant adventures across a strange fantasy land.

Do you believe in a fate worse than death? I certainly do. Yes, yes, you may be thinking that surely a realm of talking ponies couldn't be so bad? I'll say it's absolutely dreadful! Personally I'd be satisfied with a little privacy, some corned beef, and a smoke, but I'd have better luck getting ice water in Hell.

A different take on HiE I was inspired to write. Please comment below any criticisms or suggestions you may have. I will continue adding to it, publishing chapters around 5,000-15,000 words weekly and sometimes more often than that. Unmarked quotations used attributed to the brilliance of Groucho Marx and Rodney Dangerfield, with additional inspiration from various authors.

Published 2017-07-29 22:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-29 22:20:07 UTC

Chapter I

I hadn't meant to scare the child.

Just give him a little jump was all! What child doesn't see good fun in a stranger jumping from an alleyway and shouting "boo" at them after all. Nonsense, this one was clearly not raised proper. Thin skin I'd say.

Or perhaps it my disheveled appearance. My clothes were certainly quite ragged, and I had no clue where I was. A fine city, yes, perhaps, but it was filled with horses. Talking horses at that. Now at the time I didn't quite remember how I had gotten there, mind you. The simplest explanation was that I'd died somehow in the last life, and the powers that be saw fit to punish me for a lifetime of moral ambiguity, which is completely unfair in my opinion. After all, it's rather troublesome to do good, and selfishness pays the same anyways! I feel I read that somewhere... anyways, I digress.

After I realized I was stuck in this talking horse land, I set out to have a little fun. Nothing wrong with fun is there? But apparently the horse children, foals I suppose one would say, didn't like a little bit of fun. A shame, really, I suppose a future job as a clown is out of the picture.

So I found myself consoling one crying foal at the edge of a dark alleyway. He seemed quite frightened of me, I suppose humans don't come by here often, and resigned to pressing himself against the building wall and wailing. What was I supposed to do? I'm no caretaker, certainly not of horses, but I did try my best using what I knew.

"Come on little one don't cry."

"How about I buy you a nice big block of salt?"

"A new saddle, perhaps?"

Unfortunately the young horseling seemed immune to my best efforts. I had just decided to move on—it was making quite a racket after all. It was to my good fortune that the streets seemed empty this early in the morn, for any passerby horses might become irrationally upset with me. It was then I realized if this child was up and about so early in the morning, he must have been headed to school! That would certainly explain the bags along his back.

Now, I don't pretend to be the best of souls, but I can certainly understand the value of a child's education. I mean, father never allowed me to attend school past the first few years, but I suppose I'm a special case, seeing as how I turned out just fine. But these little horses, I realized if he didn't make it to school, he would probably end up as livestock! Or glue! I couldn't let such things happen to a child. So, I did what any good Samaritan would do in the situation. Grabbing the little thing by one of his hooves, which for some reason made him wail louder, I began to urge him along. Now I had no idea where the schoolyard was, but I dearly hoped he would point me in the right direction before I dragged him too far the wrong way.

We had only made a few minutes of headway into our journey before some white horse in golden armor showed up. He looked quite perturbed by the situation, but luckily, skilled in diplomacy I was, I hastily explained myself.

"What the hay is going on here?!"

"Ah, good day fine horse! I am simply helping this child get to school." I cordially replied.

Now, I must say, the armored horse did not look impressed. He glanced at the wailing foal I was dragging along, back to me, back to the foal, and then decided to point his spear at me! I didn't even know horses had spears, let alone the ability to hold them. But he was, somehow, holding a spear with a single hoof.

"Release the child!" he ordered.

"Of course, but you simply must help him to school, I'd hate for him to be late."

Much to my disappointment, the foal, which I had begun to feel a connection to, immediately ran to the other horse, hugging one of his legs and sniveling greatly. I don't think he liked me. I stepped forwards to offer my sincerest apologies to both horses, but found a spear blocking my progress.

"Stay away from the colt," the armored horse told me rather unpleasantly, "you're under arrest, creature!"

Creature? Why that was simply rude. It was a slight I was willing to overlook, however, given the messy nature of the entire situation. I dearly wished to explain myself, but the foal began mumbling some nonsense about "attacking from an alleyway" and the armored one intensified his glare.

"Now hold on," I said, "you can't arrest me."

"Luna's teats I can't, try to run and I'll skewer you!"

"But," I replied, "you told me to stay away from the foal. Now, if I come with you, I'll be violating that. But the alternative is you take me and leave this poor foal alone in the streets, and he'll surely be missed by his family and late for school."

I could see the gears turning in the armored horse's eyes as he saw the dilemma. Luckily, being the helpful chap I am, I stepped in with a solution.

"How about you take him where he needs to be, and then you come back for me?" I offered.

The horse's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Yeah, and leave you here to run off."

"But if I run off, you'll skewer me, and I must say I am rather fond of keeping my entrails intact. You have my word as a gentleman, I will not run off. Besides, you have nothing to arrest me for, it was a simple misunderstanding with the little foal, he was just scared by my appearance. I am an interspecies delegate, after all. I'll simply wait here, and when we meet again, we'll settle the matter. If I run off, you can arrest me for fleeing arrest."

The armored horse continued to think. Truly it was a great boon that he was so gifted in the art of spear-wielding, for intellect seemed to be just out of his reach. After seemingly much deliberation on his part, and a few more glances at the nervous foal stuck to his foreleg, he decided perhaps my advice was worth something.

"Very well," he nodded, before glaring at me, "I'll be back."

"Of course, fine steed," I replied as he began walking off, taking cursory glances back at me, as if expecting me to break into a sprint at any moment.

Which of course, I would not do, for I gave him my word. Unfortunately for him, my word would scarcely afford moldy bread, but that was trivial. I did tell him I would wait and not run off, and I intended to do exactly that.

After five minutes of waiting in the quiet street, I walked away.

Now at the time I was quite confused. Not because of the talking horses, no, but the city itself confused me greatly. For as I peered past buildings and saw glimpses of the fine scenery in the distance, it became apparent that the city itself lay atop a mountain. This realization had me realize the reality of the situation, and thus face the unrealistic notion of simply finding a city gate and walking from it.

I would need a different way from the city, a gradual one, as all the possible exits I had found at that point were one-way trips. Perfectly fine as a last resort, after all there is no real danger in falling, only in the landing.

Honestly I was unsure exactly how long I spent wandering that wretched city. Hours perhaps, spent meandering through the finely cobbled streets and searching for a feasible exit among the splendid buildings. Oftentimes I did chance upon a few of the horse citizens, dressed in the finest garb I had ever seen a horse wearing. It was quite a peculiar sight. Some ignored me, others pointedly avoided me, but they did not have the adverse reaction I might have expected. Perhaps that armored fellow was simply too high strung. Luckily I did not encounter him, or any like him, during this time. He was most unpleasant.

Alongside the midday sun came a great hunger, gnawing at my insides. I required sustenance if I were to continue my search through the city. Unfortunately seeing as how this was a city entirely of small horses, I doubted I would find a source of meat aside from the locals. While the thought did briefly cross my mind, I quickly shook it away. It would be unthinkable to try and eat a local horse, I decided. No place to cook the meat. I settled on a simple meal of apples and bread. It would do for the time being. Of course, purchasing those goods have been problematic, but I am a skilled problem solver. By putting a few shillings in a pouch, I could easily pretend I carried the local currency instead, and thus I simply handed the small clinking pouch to shopkeepers and took the goods I needed. Ordinarily I would wait to be handed the goods, but they were much too awestruck by my magnificent appearance to do anything aside from stare and stutter.

Unfortunately, the wellspring of my good fortune had to run dry at some point. With the last few droplets it allowed me to stumble upon a train station. I was quite pleased, for it would surely take me elsewhere than this terrible gem of a city. I made my way to the ticket counter, intent on purchasing a means of transportation like any good fellow would. It did draw across my mind that perhaps the horse-merchant would not accept the shillings I carried.

That train of thought was soon derailed, however, as my luck, having run dry, lead me to meet two more armored horses. Truthfully I could not tell whether one of them was the same as earlier, they looked much too identical, and while I never forget a face, I made an exception in his case. I cursed when they spotted me, doubly so as they came towards me.

"You there!" the one on the right spoke, "we're looking for you."

"Me? Whatever did I do?" I asked, as innocently as I could.

"Yeah I recognize you, you ran from Sharp Point this morning when he tried to arrest you!" his companion on the left accused rather rashly.

"Slander!" I retorted, "I did no such thing. I walked away," I replied with a hint of indignation. "Who is this 'Sharp Point' anyways, is he your spear-loving peer?"

The one on the right turned to his friend and shrugged. "He does have a point, if he walked away can we still arrest him for running from arrest?" Turning back to me he shook his head. "Princesses want to meet you anyways, so you should come with us."

"Spear-loving?" the one on the left interjected, looking somewhat puzzled. How I could read the facial expressions of small horses I still do not know.

"Spear-loving indeed! I merely wished to explain myself, but he gripped the shaft with a single hoof and began flourishing it about the street like a madman."

"W-Well I don't know about that," the one on the left replied, stifling laughter for reasons unknown to me.

"Bollocks, you doubt me? Go speak to him, it's as if his first reaction to my presence is to bring out his spear!"

"A-And you say," the same one spoke, interrupted by his own laughter, "you say he was brandishing it by the shaft?"

"Indeed!"

The two began laughing to themselves. I believe I heard one of them mutter about "knowing it all along."

I smiled. These two certainly were more pleasant than their unruly fellow I met in the morning. They informed me that they, I assume that included all of the little horses, or ponies as they called themselves, were members of the Royal Guard. To my great displeasure they insisted I accompany them to the castle, but for nothing bad they assured me, for their princesses simply wished to meet an inter-species delegate like myself.

I did try to convince them that mindlessly wandering the streets was how my culture viewed proper introductions, but they would have none of it. "Meet the princesses," they insisted, "they are very kind, and would be willing to listen to you."

I was still very reluctant to accompany them, but seeing as I had little choice, I followed the two pony guards. The problem in my mind was they were not taking me to meet a king nor a queen, but two princesses. Now, I understand with my roguish charm the first instinct of any princess would be to invite a strapping man like myself to their chambers, but these were pony princesses, and my code of moral ambiguity did not apply to relations with horse princesses.

Oh dear, did they think I was that kind of inter-species delegate?

I saw the so-called Royal Castle, and it grew larger as we approached it. I began to feel a cold sweat trickle down the back of my neck as we entered the gates, and eventually the castle itself. The corridors were quite large, crafted of fine marble with elegant tapestries and rugs adorning them. These ponies certainly could put together a fine castle, although perhaps palace would be a more appropriate word. I digress.

I did not, under any circumstances, wish to consummate marriage to a pony princess.

I remember having a brilliant plan at the time, however, for if they were like every other princess, so involved in the truly meaningful pursuits of decorum and eloquence, I would simply need to exchange my natural charm for unpleasantness. Yes, that would be the key, if I could simply be an unpleasant fellow, they would reconsider their improper advances.

"By Jove I'm walking out of this castle with my pride and pelvis intact or my name isn't Puffin Pearce!"

"What?" one of my companions asked me, confusion dotted across his brow.

I shook my head dismissively, mentally berating myself for such a slip of the tongue. I nearly revealed my master plan right there to everyone. Such a thing would truly be disastrous, especially if my tongue were to slip while I was with the princesses.

And so I found myself in a finely made sitting room. The red carpet was soft, the dark-wooded cushioned chairs and table sat in the center, while the half-closed draperies allowed the last vestiges of sunlight to shine through the window, as the great fiery orb sank behind the horizon. Sunset already? I had truly spent a long time wandering the city. I was glad to take a seat at one of the chairs, for my feet had begun to make their fatigue known to me.

Time wounds all heels, after all.

And so I sat in silence. Every once in awhile I cast a curious glance at the two guards standing at the doorway. Much to my displeasure they were not the same fellows who had dropped me off, but no matter, they were silent and stoic, two things I could not complain about. And so time passed, until at one point the door opened. Another of those armored ponies announced I would have the privilege of joining the princesses in the dining room, and he would escort me there.

A dining room table? These princesses surely did not have any patience at all. Regardless, I followed the guard, and we walked down more elegant corridors, took a few twists and turns, and ended up at another set of doors. While I would never admit it, I was rather glad for his guidance. Parts of this castle looked so similar, it would be easy to get lost.

He opened the door for me, and made it clear I was to enter first. My nerves were worsened as I entered, and realized he would not be following me. What exactly did these princesses have planned for me? Worse yet, there were no guards at all in the dining room, only a large, white winged unicorn sitting on the far end. Yes, I'm aware they considered themselves ponies, but this was more akin to a horse. And was its mane flowing?

"Greetings," she—at this point I guessed it was a she—spoke, "I am Princess Celestia."

Blast, the princess wasn't a pony, she was a full-sized horse-unicorn-thing! Never mind my pelvis, my plan would require perfect execution if I wanted to keep my lower body in the solid state. Thinking quickly, I made a hasty bow at the midriff, enough to avoid being openly disrespectful, but sloppy enough to surely stay the notion I was a respectable sort.

"Puffin Pearce, at your service," I told her.

She seemed unperturbed by my informal bow and lack of proper royal address—unless, I realized with great fright, she wouldn't notice the mistakes because she was a horse! That simply meant I would need to press harder if I were to avoid this terrible fate.

"If I may ask," I began hesitantly, "where are the others?"

It was a valid question. I was in a dining room, alone, with this horse princess. One would think she would be accompanied by some advisers and at least a handful of guards to meet me. Where was this other princess they mentioned too?

"My sister Luna will be joining us shortly. Please be at ease, we mean you no harm. We are simply interested in meeting you and hearing about our kind. Our guards told us of your position as a delegate, although if we knew you were coming, we certainly would have made the necessary preparations."

This was not good, I realized. I had been jesting about the "inter-species delegate" nonsense, but it seems these princesses truly thought I was of some importance. Hah! My mirth was quickly overridden with horror. Her sister was joining us? Alone? In this very room?

Of all the indecent horrors! Two sibling princesses vying for my stalwart figure, perhaps I could understand, but despite my fine physical condition, I highly doubt I could handle a single winged horse-sized unicorn, let alone two! I must drive their advances away at once.

The winged unicorn Celestia opened her mouth again. "So please, tell—"

The doors to my right swept open.

"—ah, here she is," the white horse finished, gesturing to a darker and smaller winged unicorn.

Another informal bow on my part, and introductions were exchanged. Princess Luna, she said she was. Interesting, Celestia and Luna? Judging from their names, colors, and symbols on their flanks, I was getting a very strong sense of solar and lunar dualism. Er, not that I was paying much attention to their flanks, it was merely a passing glance—for all things decent they're horses, people!

I digress.

At that moment I knew it was time to put my plan into action, before they became too attached to the natural charm that flowed through every honeyed word of mine. Truly they helped me a great deal in the start, as when the darker winged unicorn, or is it horned pegasus? Pegacorn, there's a nice compromise. The darker pegacorn came close and she smelt overwhelmingly of lavender.

So much lavender. I began coughing rather violently, and they looked at me in concern.

"Are you alright?" Celestia asked.

I punctuated my coughs with a harsh clearing of the throat. Ignoring Celestia, I turned to her sister, Luna, who was eyeing me with a mixture of concern and suspicion.

"I-I'm not saying," I began, stopping to cough, "that you're wearing too much perfume, but I do believe," another cough, "that the canary was alive before you entered."

The dark one's ears folded back slightly, though she opened her mouth as if to rebuke me for my comment. The white one spoke first, however. "Apologies, my sister does love adorning the wall-sconces with lavender. We find it quite lovely, but I assume you do not find the smell as pleasant."

Luna, looking somewhat vexed at my reaction, moved to join her sister's side, further away from me. Excellent, I thought, for that little display would surely discourage her lustful thoughts.

Having made our introductions, Celestia suggested we sit at the fine table in the center of the room and eat, before proceeding to business. This course of action was fine by me, as at this point the apples and bread of midday were naught but a faded memory. Taking a seat a respectable distance away from the pair, who sat next to each other, I smiled.

"Thank you for allowing me to dine with you," I told them, "truthfully I am so hungry I could eat a horse behind the saddle!"

This expression earned him two shocked expressions, worn upon the faces of the princesses.

"That is a most vulgar expression of hunger," Luna replied with a withering gaze, "most uncouth."

"Apologies, princess, it is merely an idiom of my people. And yes, I'm quite aware I lack certain tact, I've heard it so many times it's like beating a dead horse at this point."

The dark one's eye twitched while the white one raised an eyebrow.

"Your idioms appear to have much to do with horses," Celestia asked guardedly.

"Yes, I see that now," I conceded, "not that my people have anything against horses, of course. 'Eat a horse' is simply an exaggeration of our hunger, both because it is undesirable and our horses are like yourselves, quite massive really. 'Beating a dead horse' is a reference to how useless it would be to flog a dead horse to make it pull a load."

The white pegacorn slowly nodded. "Ah, I see," she paused, before continuing, "our ponies may not see the reasoning behind such expressions, though. You may wish to refrain from using them."

"Of course," I replied cordially, before noticing the dark one was still glaring intently at me. I tilted my head slightly, wondering what was wrong.

"Massive like ourselves?" she asked, her voice dangerously low.

A vision of an engraved stone slab flashed across my mind. "Here lies poor Puffin Pearce, gored by a unicorn princess" it said. I suppose calling two princesses massive could be misinterpreted, even if they really were horses. Or unicorns. Pegacorns. Whatever in the world these things were called.

Before she could impale me with her horn, a few other ponies arrived, their dress indicating them to be staff at the castle. Excellent timing they had, as it seemed the dark pegacorn's anger was forgotten as they set various dishes around the table. To my dismay it largely consisted of vegetables, flowers, and bread-related goods. No meat, horse or otherwise. I cocked an eyebrow at what appeared to be hay on a dish.

Land of the horses indeed.

Regardless of what strange dishes were brought out, I did find quite a few that were edible. Salad, mixed vegetables, and some bread. I was quite hungry from my journey that day and ate with gusto, although I truly would have given an arm and a leg for something more substantial. Particularly meat. Or potatoes. I hadn't even seen the common potato. How dreadful this land must be.

As we reached the meal's end, the silence was broken as the white pegacorn, Celestia, asked if I would share some information about myself. And so I did, I regaled her with tales of my splendid adventure. Perhaps there was some embellishment here or there, but I'm sure overall it was mostly truthful. Somewhat truthful. Half and half, I suppose. What was most surprising to learn was that there was no higher ruling authority than the princesses in this realm. I suppose they weren't a "Kingdom" then. Principality, perhaps? During the entire affair Luna was rather silent. Perhaps she was still upset about earlier. Just as well, it seems I had done enough to beat off their affections, so chances were I would survive the night.

"Well you see, I am an agent to the crown of the glorious British Empire, sent on an exploratory mission to learn more about foreign realms. Unfortunately it seems during my voyage my ship was blown astray and I ended up here, which, truthfully, came as a great surprise to me. Our fine empire touches every corner of the globe, after all the sun never sets on the British Empire no siree, but after spending a great deal of time trying to find my way back to ol' Blighty I'm afraid I am dreadfully lost. Truthfully from what I've seen, maps and the sort, I've come to the realization this must be a different world altogether, thus, I have made it my goal to explore and learn as much as I can about your peoples."

"A noble aspiration," Celestia replied, dipping her head, "you have our condolences for your loss, however."

"Truthfully your Highness, it's quite alright. I do look forward to being able to learn more about this realm. The Second New World, I like to call it. We already found the first, you see, not much there but savage natives and rabble-rousing Yankees if I'm being perfectly honest."

"I see," Celestia replied slowly. "You are welcome in Equestria, however I do ask you spend some time at the castle becoming antiquated with our society. I understand there was a small incident with a guardspony this morning. While I'm sure it was a simple misunderstanding, it would be good—"

Her talk was interrupted as the large door in front of me, across the table, opened, and a pony trotted in. A white one, with a blonde mane, and little bow-tie and lapels. It was quite ridiculous, really. The simple peytral and crowns worn by the two princesses were fine enough, but to see a little pony wearing a bow-tie was just too much, and my laughter slipped loose.

He glared at me. "What's this dirty commoner think he's laughing at?"

Regaining control of my senses, I gave him a level stare. "Nothing at all, I was simply unaware horses wore such clothing."

"Whorse?! The nerve, you petty commoner, I ought to have the guards throw you out!"

"I'd say I saved you from further embarrassment you gibfaced toss-pot. I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse!"

"Quiet, you filthy ape, you dirty this fine castle!"

"Filthy ape?! You rat, you dog! I'll have satisfaction I swear I will. Sunrise tomorrow, I challenge you to a duel!"

"A duel? Fine, if you wish to then so—"

"ENOUGH!" a powerful voice shouted. From the direction and tone I guessed it came from the dark alicorn, but there was a great deal of force behind it, nearly sending me reeling from my chair. Princess Luna truly did have a mighty voice, for a moment I wondered if "she" was actually a gelding. Anything could be possible in this silly horse-world after all.

"Now Bluebood," Celestia chided the white unicorn—I suppressed another peal of laughter. Naturally his name was Blueblood, "You really shouldn't be getting into duels."

Blueblood huffed, "If this monkey wishes to duel me than I will gladly accept."

Celestia sighed in resignation and turned to me, raising an eyebrow, "Can you even participate in a magical duel, Mr. Pearce? I don't think I've seen your horn."

By Jove I was wrong, she wants to see my horn!

I sputtered on the water I was drinking. I couldn't see but I was certain off to the side that arrogant Blueblood was smirking at the display, though at the time I could care less.

"Y-Your Highness, I fail to see how... viewing my 'horn' has any bearing on a proper duel. It seems most indecent."

Celestia looked confused, while Luna sighed and brought a hoof to her face, before gesturing at her unicorn horn—oh, I realized, they meant that kind of horn.

"My sister meant, without a horn you cannot compete in a magic duel," she said dryly.

Luckily I was a sharp fellow, and quickly adopted a knowing expression. "Yes of course! I cannot say I am inclined to magic, but give me a trusty blade and I can hold my own."

"Are you two certain you want to go through with this?" Celestia asked, sounding regretful, as if she knew what the answer would be.

I voiced my approval without hesitation, and Blueblood did as well. With one final glare he left the dining room, leaving me with a bemused-looking Luna and weary Celestia.

"Did you really have you challenge him?" she asked me.

"Of course I did! He insulted me, and I cannot let such slights against my character go unchallenged. Those are my principles, though if you do not like them, I have others."

Celestia raised an eyebrow at that, but shook her head in resignation. "It's too late now, I suppose."

The three of us sat there, silent for a few moments, although I had the slightest inkling that perhaps Celestia was upset about the duel. It was difficult to tell, though. I suppose women are the same, whether they're talking alicorns or human.

She offered to arrange a place for me to stay the night at the castle, for which I was quite grateful. I was worried sleeping in an alleyway might lead to another unfortunate encounter with a fainthearted child. Celestia was going to call a guard to lead me to the guest rooms, but her sister volunteered to take me, claiming she still had a few questions to ask.

I felt a prickle of nervousness rise up within me—the princess wanted to come with me to my bedchambers. Surely she couldn't be thinking what I was afraid of, right?

I exited the room, beside her. It was strange, as the doors were closing I thought I heard a grumble about "stubborn stallions" and the sound of a hoof striking the table.

I suppose Celestia was upset after all.

I didn't have much time to dwell on that, as while I was walking beside Luna I noticed her giving me a baleful stare.

"Don't think we have forgotten your comment about our 'massive size.'"

Oh dear. It truly was the females of the species that were most dangerous.

"I didn't mean it quite like that, you Highness," I offered with a placating gesture, "I simply meant in terms of stature, not size. You are certainly not portly, no, in fact you are the most slender horse—"

Her eyes narrowed.

"—equine I have ever laid eyes on, yes indeed quite slender. A paragon of equine beauty if I do say so myself. Why if this were The Royal Ascot, I'd say you'd score a perfect ten on dressage!"

The dark alicorn merely huffed and sped up her pace, and I stumbled along to catch up. I mentally gave myself a pat on the back for my quick thinking. It was that sort of natural charm and talent that I prided myself in, as it always helped me out of the most difficult of situations.

"We're here," she stated after a few moments of walking, her tone still somewhat icy, "somepony will be along before sunrise to wake you for your duel," she added, saying the final word in an odd tone.

"Thank you very much, your Highness," I replied with another slight bow, to which she simply nodded and walked off.

As I opened the door a curious thought flitted across my mind—she never did ask me any questions on the walk over.

Dismissing the notion, I opened the door, and was pleased to find a rather reasonable and clean interior. To my left appeared to be a small desk and chair, while to the right sat a short dresser with a mirror above it. But what held my focus, was in front of me. Beside the draperies was a comfortable bed, a pleasure which I had gone without for what felt like weeks.

I jumped on the bed and enjoyed the softness of the pillows and sheets. My feet dangled off the end a bit, consequences of a nation filled with ponies I assume, but I made do. Just a turn and a small tuck of the knees and I fit on it just fine. Taking off the faded white shirt and dark brown trousers I wore, I sloppily folded the two up and placed them on the rug beside the bed, before reclining on the fine mattress.

I supposed for a castle run by little horses, it could be a great deal worse. In addition, I was excited to get a chance to duel one of the little guys in the morning. Sure I knew the horned ones could wield magic, something which I had been fascinated by at first, but I was certain magic couldn't give me too much trouble. A dodge here, a slash there, and I'll be done in time for morning tea. I began to ponder what I would truly do in the future, but the sweet embrace of sleep slowly took hold.

Author's Note

A different take on HiE I was inspired to write. Please comment below any criticisms or suggestions you may have.

If readers are generally receptive of this story, I will continue adding to it, publishing chapters around 5,000-15,000 words weekly and sometimes more often than that.