“Sometimes... sometimes I just—sometimes I just... sometimes I just—I just don’t know...”
Starlight Glimmer awoke outside of her body.
She stood twelve feet to the right of the foot of her bed, where her body lay sleeping. The ~~person~~ pony she used to be slumbered softly as if nothing had ever happened, the unicorn turning on her side slightly as she muttered a fragment of some indescribable dream.
Starlight paced slowly up to her body, raising her hoof to touch her cheek. There was a blinding pain, light flooding the room as her vision traveled past her foreleg. “What?”
The whole world seemed to glow faintly, the colors more vibrant and surrealistic than she could have ever imagined them having ever been in the past, her vision glitching and distorting every few moments as if her perception was being filtered through degrading analogue tape.
Her hooves, her legs, her body—nothing felt right. It was as if she were wearing exceptionally poor clothing that was several sizes too large for her, seemingly shifting and sliding about in her body as if a hoof in an ill-fitted horseshoe.
Everything she had written had fed the fire, or her own hungry mouth. She had ink stains on her lips, and scraps of paper were stuck to her chin in little crumby patterns that, quite honestly, was utterly ratty and unkempt.
Starlight moved her hoof up in an attempt to brush the paper from her face, but instead simply managed to sink her transparent and flickering hoof through the center of her forehead.
She watched as her body’s mouth popped open slightly, her eyes widening for a split second as a fine veneer of light glimmered across her irises.
“So that’s my way out,” she hummed to herself as she pulled up her second hoof and plunged it into the head of her former self. "Or rather, my way back in, heh." She couldn’t have been more mistaken, however; when she removed her hooves, they were glowing and pulsating with a chunky spread of viscera.
Starlight recoiled, and wiped her hooves hastily on the blanket. She tried again, only to come up with more of the organic smear on her hooves. “Let me back in!” she growled through teeth clenched so tightly together that they clipped into one another. In desperation, she flung herself against her body, but merely drifted through it and the bed before bouncing off of the wall behind her as if it were made of industrial-strength elastic instead of whatever horrible crystal comprised the place.
Her brain rolled over in its spot within her skull, contorting into a shape most similar to a klein bottle before unraveling, releasing an absolutely overwhelming mess of emotive chemicals and hormones like it were a soaked sponge that had been wrung aggressively. Pops and bursts, waves of light and static, began to flood Starlight’s senses as her coat stood on end, her horn sparking and glowing completely independant of her own motions. Shambling and stumbling, she ambled aimlessly towards her nightstand as she focused all of her efforts on not sinking through the floor and out of existence.
When she reached the small table, she slammed her hoof against it, the lamp resizing so that it suffered minor image distortion as her hoof passed through it. Fumbling with the small book and quill that were sitting directly next to the lamp, she was quite surprised to find that they were very, very tangible to her. Lost for a moment in relief, something not often found within her, she tore the book open, scanning over the ripped and torn pages and deranged scribblings.
She looked over page after page in what was left of the anemic diary, scowling as she poured over the emotional bullshit that she had almost quite literally vomited onto the paper. With each passing page, she felt the overwhelming regret of not tearing out each one. This... this was something disgusting. Something antithetical. Something unnerving and unwanted. To quote from the work:
“I feel so angry and afraid,” she read allowed, her eyes darting back and forth across the page as she traced the loops and lines that her quill had left. “I don’t even feel like I’m a pony anymore—or anything. I feel washed away, wiped out, faded. I no longer feel real. All I feel is this horrific pall, this inexplicable misery, this indelible doubt... and I don’t think there is anyone who could or would want to save me. Or forgive me. Me. M.E. M////E////e////EEEE///EEE/EEEE///e/.”
Starlight snorted. “Pathetic. What was she thinking?” Her horn lit, and the page tore right from the spine of the already thoroughly abused book, and with a single gesture she crumpled it into a ball and shoved the wad into her mouth, chewing upon it thusly.
“You can’t be the one that I want,” she mouthed, snickering as she watched her lips form each and every syllable a second slower than the last. “And I won’t ever be the one that I want.”
Starlight Glimmer laughed, and slammed her face against the mirror. There was a sickening, cartilage-rending snap!, followed by the loud cracking of glass as spiderwebs of damage snaked across its surface. A small splatter of red, dripping from the impact of the unicorn’s muzzle, tainted the glass and inched lazily down the surface.
She collapsed to the floor and sobbed, shuddering as she dragged her hooves around her body, her spirit radiating off her in waves as she began to oscillate back and forth and out of time.
“I don’t want to go away from here,” she whimpered softly to herself. “I was so ungrateful, so untapped... I wasted it all! Let me go back, please!”
The door was opening. Starlight heaved a ragged sob, the air catching in her throat and causing her to hiccup. She wailed when all that came out was a dial tone. Looking down at her hooves, they were flickering faster and faster, changing tones and hues and opacity...
“I’m—!” she began, her head turning sluggishly as she struggled with all her waning might to focus her gaze on the pony who was entering through the doorframe. Could she be any slower?
She made contact with her large, kind, purple eyes for a moment, and she felt a disturbance roll through her. Opening her mouth again, she tried to mouth the apology, but as the door opened fully, the light from the hallway rushed in as a tsunami.
Twilight Sparkle blinked as her eyes adjusted to the room, her eyes looking around in front of her while her ears perked up curiously. Cocking her head to the side, she looked to the right; nothing. She looked in front of her; the floor was bare, and the mirror was cracked. She looked to the left; Starlight was sleeping in her bed.
“Starlight?” Twilight asked as she approached the bed, resting a hoof gently on her friend and student’s shoulder. “You sleep alright?”
Starlight rolled over, and opened her eyes, groggily smiling up at Twilight. “Mm... oh!” Her eyes widened, shining with a brightness Twilight had never seen before. “Hello Twilight; I’ve never slept better.”
