Twilight's Awkward Specimen Speculation

by Clopficsinthecomments

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 8147

Twilight needs to brew a new brew of Zecora's potion of Alicorn remembrance... Unfortunately for her the key ingredient must come from an inconvenient source: her brother's stallionhood!

Everyone knows that Twilight Sparkle is prepared... well-prepared... over-prepared.

So when she determines that a second flask of the potion Zecora gave her to defeat Discord's chaotically sown seeds, nothing will deter her... even when Starlight Glimmer's research determines that the only source for a key ingredient must be distilled from the 'essence of a virile unicorn stud'. Even worse, the archaic requirements suggest that the stallion must be Shining Armor... and the extractor must be Twilight herself!

Embarrassing conversations, comedic misunderstandings, and raunchy jokes are inevitable... as well as a clop-filled evening.

Warning contains: incest, mare on mare, mare on stallion, excessive cum

Published 2017-08-06 15:30:12 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-17 03:20:50 UTC

Awkward Research

Based on a great animation by clopician on Derpibooru: #1498793 warning pic is NSFW

Chapter 1 - Awkward Research

Sunlight filtered in through a small gap in the thick curtains, slowly tracing down a crystal headboard and across the forehead of a cutely snoring, purple pony princess.

Twilight's eyes fluttered open from the brightness as she rolled onto her tummy with an adorable yawn and a cat-like stretch of her back and wings before she leapt from her bed. Twilight had always been a light sleeper and quick to rise, despite her night-owl tendencies. This tendency to cheerfully and immediately tackle the day's challenges was always much to the chagrin of her two housemates, Spike and Starlight Glimmer, who often had to be dragged from their warm beds and forced to drink several cups of coffee, before they could even respond with anything beyond a grunt or grumble.

This was the case now as Twilight skipped about her crystal castle's kitchen table, as a groggy Starlight struggled with her bed-tousled mane and a half-asleep Spike nearly slumped into his bowl of bejeweled cereal. It was about to get worse for our tired pair: Twilight was about to sing.

It's contingency day!
It's contingency day!
No time to play...
There are plans to weigh...
Fears to allay...
Our worries to slay...

Twilight paused her prancing, annoying solo and gestured to Starlight, intending to throw her a chance to inject a line. Unable to access the music of harmony in her exhausted state, the unicorn improvised. "Uh... Yaayyyy?" she groaned out.

With an annoyed look and a raised eyebrow, she turned toward Spike, hoping that he would fare better. Spike sighed and rubbed his eyes, taking his time before singing in a falsetto, "Twilight Sparkle is cray-crayyyyy!"

Huffing in frustration, Twilight stopped her gallivanting to lift a heavy crate filled with scrolls and folders onto the table. "Come on, guys! This is important! Today we update and formulate our plans in case of any disaster scenario! We only do this once a month! I was hoping we could do a review of everything that's happened in the past few years."

Spike rolled his eyes as he poked at his food. "I thought we did that last month... didn't we have a whole bullet point list about how to prevent ponies from time travelling to disrupt Rainbow Dash's original sonic rainboom?" Glimmer paused her magical hair arrangement to blush and grimace and the reminder of her not too distant past.

Twilight responded immediately, oblivious to her friend's discomfort. "No Spike, last month was plans in case any of our friends decide to try to destroy all of Equestria inadvertently... we just used that scenario because we knew it was plausible."

Starlight Glimmer groaned, pushing back from the table. "Sheesh! Alright already... let's just get this over with Spike." She lifted the crate in a magical cloud of energy and stomped off toward the castle library which throwing her head back with exasperation.

About an hour later, as Starlight poured through the various archived letters to Celestia, entries in the Friendship Journal, and Twilight's memoirs which documented so much of the Twilight's past adventures, she gave out the same sigh. "I don't know, Twilight... going through all of this stuff, it's incredible! ...but I think you've actually got most of this covered."

Twilight looked up from the spool of magical thread that Rarity had used to unlock her portion of the crystalline friendship box. "There must be something we've missed... even I'm not that OCD."

Starlight hummed thoughtfully while inspecting a sample of a changeling cocoon before absentmindedly responding "actually Twilight, obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by intrusive unwanted thoughts that cause high anxiety that must be alleviated through compulsion... as a layman, I'd give you more of a narcissistic neurotic perfectionist tendency with elements of compensating for a past anti-social personality disorder... er- I mean..." Starlight caught herself rambling as she looked up at Twilight, who was staring at her with a slack-jaw.

The princess's wings ruffled in anger. "WHAT? I'm the princess of freakin' friendship Starlight, I am not compensating for anything! And talk about calling the kettle black, I'm a narcissist!? You almost caused an apocalypse because a filly-hood friend moved away!"

"Girls, girls!" Spike moaned, plugging his ears at their squabbling. "Hold on a second, what's this?" Spike reached down, opening a cardboard box originally from MacGuffin's Muffins, re-purposed for storage. Opening the cardboard flap with the prominent MACGUFFIN label, he extracted an empty intricate glass flask, which seemed strangely familiar.

Twilight knocked Spike over as she rushed to snatch the ornate glass container from his claws. "Zecora's potion of Alicorn Memory Observation! How could I have forgotten! We need to brew up a fresh batch, it could prove instrumental in so many situations!"

"Really?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow, "seems like its a pretty random and specific purpose... why would Zecora even have that potion? And couldn't you just ask Luna or Celestia about the past if you had to?"

"No Spike, what if they've forgotten... or are captured... or they become Nightmare Moon or Day Breaker?" Twilight mused as she trotted toward the spells section of the library.

"I dunno, Twilight... Spike's right, this is pretty situational... and wouldn't you just need to get Zecora to give you another flask?" Glimmer asked, following her teacher.

"Back then, when I asked her, she told me it was a potion from her ancient collection. She had no idea where it came from... or how to brew it." Twilight began pulling down dusty tomes on potions and concoctions.

Starlight muttered under her breath, "she probably had no idea what it did either... it was probably just a hallucination drug... crazy zebra..."

"Did you say something, Starlight?"

The unicorn chuckled nervously, "I said, how can you hope to re-make it then?"

"Please Starlight, I'm the Princess of Magic... I can handle a little potion brewing." Twilight bragged, opening various books about her and scanning them for information.

"Uh... I thought you were the princess of friendship?" Glimmer asked with a smirk.

"And friendship is magic, my young student!" Twilight chuckled, patting her on the head.

Glimmer wanted to remind Twilight they were the same age, and that the fact 'friendship is magic' didn't mean that 'all magic is friendship' but once Twilight got into her teaching mode, there was little to knock her off her high horse, so to speak. Instead, she rolled her eyes and levitated a book over to her table, saying with a sigh, "let's just get this over with..."

Hours later

"Found it! I can't believe it!" Starlight shouted, from within the fortress-like book-fort she had assembled out of books that had proved fruitless.

"What!? Really?" Twilight shouted from within her own, more elaborate and expansive book-palace. "Where did you find it?"

"In the ancient scrolls section, the one where the scrolls were so tattered they had to transcribe them into a new book." Glimmer shouted back.

"Treasured Treatises Tattered Tomes? Which volume?" Twilight asked, crossing her book-palace's moat.

"Volume IV! It was all in Olde Equestrian language, I had to use a translation spell on it first..." Glimmer pulled a cord, retracting the book-portcullis gate so she could meet Twilight half-way.

Starlight plunked the book down on a nearby library table, carefully scanning the text of the ancient instruction recipe for brewing the potion.

"So? Do you think that we'll be able to brew it?" Twilight said excitedly, looking excitedly at her student's face for clues on whether it would be good news or not. She saw Glimmer's cheeks begin to get rosy pink as her eyes went wider and wider. Within a few moments Starlight Glimmer's usually light-pink face was a burning red, Twilight could almost see the steam shooting out of her ears. "Well? Why are you getting so embarrassed? If you're having trouble understanding the text or the instructions and need me to help you, its nothing to be ashamed abou-"

"Semen." Starlight Glimmer murmured, looking up at her mentor.

"Uh... excuse me?" Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow, glad that Spike had gone to bed a few hours earlier.

Starlight's hoof covered her muzzle as she tried and failed to contain her laughter, which she then poured out uproariously, tears streaming down her cheeks. "*Pfftt* H-ha ha! S-semen! It translates... ha ha! It translates to semen! The main ingredient-t *pftttt*... haaah... in the p-potion you drank! HAHAHAHA was unicorn semen!"

"What." Twilight deadpanned.

Glimmer was rolling on the floor now. "Hahaha, you know Twilight! Cum. Jizz. Splooge. Stallion-gravy. Baby batter. Foal fluid. Liquid protei-"

"ENOUGH" Twilight stuck her tongue out in disgust. "I... drank... somepony's... ejcaulate?" Twilight couldn't help but look at the empty vial, imagining a virile stallion... spurting... into it, and her proceeding to drink it afterward... her wings slowly extended to being fully spread.

Glimmer wiped tears from her eyes as she sat back up, catching her breath. "Ahh... don't worry Twilight, at least you didn't have to buy him dinner...BWAHAHAHA" She thumped the grumpy purple pony's back jokingly before breaking back out in laughter.

Twilight rolled her eyes, before getting a nasty look on her face. "Well Starlight, since you find this so funny... I think you should be in charge of collecting the ingredients to make up the new batch."

Starlight stopped laughing, immediately. Twilight could see the gears in her mind turning as she realized what that implied. Starlight quickly looked back to the scroll, reading the remainder of the passage. Letting out a deep sigh of relief, followed instantly by a look of confusion and bemusement.

"Actually Twilight... according to the scroll... it says: 'the seed of a magically-powerful, virile, unicorn (must be extracted directly by an alicorn'... there are even more rules, but only you could do it." Glimmer pushed over the book, offering it Twilight to read in case she didn't believe her.

Twilight's wings snapped even more erect and the blush on her face was redder than Big Mac's coat. "G-great... how could this get any worse?"

Starlight winced as she thought to herself: 'she just had to tempt fate with that phrase'. Sighing, she pointed out a particular phrase on the scroll to Twilight, who quickly cast the translation spell herself and read it aloud.

"Extraction requirement VII: the unicorn must be KINDRED with the extracting alicorn?!" Twilight's brain froze, requiring a total reboot as she stared blankly into space, her jaw hanging open, her wings out wide, her face burning in embarrassment.

Starlight Glimmer waved a hoof in front of Twilight's unresponsive face... "Uh, Twilight? Should I send a letter to Shining Armor?"

Twilight snapped back to reality, trying to banish thoughts of her naked brother from her mind. "N-NO!"

Starlight made a bit of a bemused face at, before going on slowly. "So... Night Light? Ew, Twilight..."

Twilight fell over in shock as Starlight had injected even more unpleasant imagery. "WHAT THE BUCK STARLIGHT!? So gross... my dad!? Come on!"

"Well!? It says kindred. Who else is there?"

Twilight picked herself up, and thought for a moment before replying. "The princesses."

"Uh... I think that they're missing a critical piece of equipmen-" Starlight began to joke, before Twilight shut her antics up with a hoof to her muzzle.

"Quiet. I need to talk with the princesses."

Author's Note

Hey everyone!

I had promised to myself that I would stay away from the keyboard for a while, but I couldn't help it!

So... this one is going to be a bit of a different theme... a little more comedy and randomness, and only a few, short chapters! No more 10K+ chapters (on this story, at least)!

Let me know if you enjoy, comments and feedback drive how quickly I end up working on these clopfics!

Hope you enjoy!

Awkward Discussions

Based on a great animation by clopician on Derpibooru: #1498793 warning pic is NSFW

Chapter 2 - Awkward DiscussionsA grumpy, tired, lavender coated Alicorn stumbled away from the Canterlot train station. Clearing her bleary eyes after a prolonged yawn, she shambled toward the royal castle, her eyes half-shut and her neck sore.

The piercing train whistle of the departing friendship express jarred Twilight from this groggy stumbling state and caused her to let out a beleaguered sigh. She'd had the most fitful nap on the long train ride: her dreams were plagued by visions of her brother and father holding all manner of phallic objects... balloons, tofu hot-dogs, bananas... which dream-Twilight would then proceed to stroke sensually.

Twilight's wings extended slightly and her face burned brightly as she remembered these recent, Freudian dreams. She tried shaking her head violently, as if she could expel the unwanted visions by force.

"Bad dreams?" Starlight Glimmer asked, as she trotted up on Twilight's left with her recently retrieved luggage.

Twilight sighed and looked over at her student and friend. "You too, Starlight?"

Starlight chuckled and shook her head, "Hay no! I dreamt I was at the Ponyville Spa, getting a massage from a cute tan and orange-maned unicorn, he had adorable white streaks in his coat and was a little nerdy, but still... so hot..." She sighed, looking dreamily at the sky.

"What, like... Sunburst?" Twilight asked, as she tried to picture a stallion with those features.

Starlight paused for a moment to consider, before a deep blush covered her face as she realized that was exactly who she'd been dreaming of. "N-no! Not like Sunburst! More like... uh... a different unicorn... that looks like... Sunburst... kinda." She chuckled nervously, as she looked away from Twilight.

Twilight smirked and shook her head. It appeared that her student had a little crush. "You know what Luna says Glimmer," Twilight teased while lecturing, "there is hidden truth in the dream realm."

Glimmer groaned before poking Twilight back, "So what was in your dream then?"

Twilight bristled with an audible *eep* as her wings snapped out rigidly. "N-nothing! Dreams are actually pretty meaningless... Luna really is not as up to speed on the modern science of psychology. In fact she's a bit of a quack when it comes to hypnology."

"Oh, truly? Twilight Sparkle?" A familiar voice questioned from behind her. As they'd chatted, they'd made good time and come right up to the antechamber to the Princesses' throne room. Unfortunately, that same chatting also meant that they did not hear the hoof-falls of the beautiful, midnight blue, regal princess of the night.

With a disgruntled huff, Luna stepped into a very flustered Twilight Sparkle's personal space. "I braved the dreamscapes of your so-called 'scientific' psychologists' great-grand sires' ancestors. I have more knowledge of the nocturnal aethereum in my croup than every scientific pedant together."

Twilight bumped up against the wall, trapped, as Luna pressed the issue and advanced right up into her face. "So do not presume to disrespect my mastery of the night realm simply because you are afraid to confront the implication of your recent hypno-symbolic masturbatory servicing of thine patriarch and brother." Luna finished with a sniff.

Starlight Glimmer pointed at Twilight with her hoof as a smile bloomed across her features. "I KNEW IT!" Glimmer shouted before bursting out in rollicking laughter.

Ignoring her pesky friend, Twilight looked up at Luna with shame. "Y-you saw?"

"Indeed, Princess Twilight! I safeguard the dreams of all my friends, particularly those which are distressing, happy... even lascivious."

Ignoring the fact that Luna had essentially just admitted to peeping on her friends, Twilight looked up at Luna with burning shame. "D-didn't you think it was gross?"

Luna's angry visage broke into a smile. "Nay! 'Twas a typical maiden's wet-dream at worst. The depravity of the average colt would far outstrip your 'gross' fantasy."

"E-even though it was... with my dad... and my brother?" Twilight asked.

"I suppose such things are taboo in this age." Luna sighed with a roll of her eyes as if she found the current generation's morays unbearably gauche. "Though I must say, Princess. I can tell you from firsthand dream surveillance of your kin that you have grossly underestimated the size of your father and brother." Luna measured out a fairly large space in the air with her hooves, making sure to also show the girth of the imaginary organ in front of her before finishing with a giggle.

Luna's outlined space was instantly converted by Twilight's imagination to hold a proud, fleshy, throbbing staff of blue and a twitching, pumping, veiny shaft of white. She could scarcely believe such large organs could be attached to her father and brother.

"DON'T TELL ME THAT! I didn't need to know that! I'll never be able to get that out of my mind. Gross!*blergh*" Twilight tried to temple-massage the unbidden images of her brother and father's stallion-hoods from her mind, as Starlight's laughter heightened, reaching a choking, breathless level.

With a smug look Luna trotted past Twilight. "Consider us even for your earlier indiscrete comments then, Princess Twilight. You may follow." She pushed open the ornate giant wooden doors.

With the practiced ease of hundreds of years of repetition, Luna strode regally toward her sister, nodding to her in greeting. Following behind her, an embarrassed Twilight and a meek Starlight gave their own curtsies.

Ignoring the overly formal traditional greeting (which she had told Twilight multiple times to stop using with her) Celestia rushed from her dais to her student-turned-princess, giving her a gentle nuzzle and a beaming smile. "Twilight! What brings you and Starlight Glimmer to Canterlot?"

Twilight returned the nuzzle with a hug, before stepping back to allow Starlight to exchange her own greeting. Once they had all settled down, Twilight reluctantly went into the 'meat' of her visit. "Well, there's this potion I'm having trouble brewing."

"You don't say, my beloved former student? I find that hard to believe, you knew every potion in the textbook!" Celestia smiled.

"Not this one. It has some rather... unique... ingredients." Twilight blushed, pawing at the ground.

"Really now, Princess Twilight?" Luna interjected with a small flap of one of her midnight blue wings, "Please, do tell! I think that you would be hard pressed to find any magical ingredient that we have not heard of before."

"Semen." Twilight blurted out, still frustrated with Luna for her joking and dream-spying earlier.

"Semen?" Luna asked wtih a raised eyebrow, as if she hadn't fully understood the question.

"Yeah, you know. Baby batter, foal filling, stallion mayonnaise, 'Pinkie's special frosting', fun goo, cream fr-

"Thank you, Starlight Glimmer." Luna cleared her throat and spoke up, preventing Starlight from launching into what would certainly be an endless list of euphemisms about male ejaculate. "I understood what Twilight was referring to. My question was more why she was embarrassed to ask about what has been a common ingredient for so many potions for millennia."

Twillight blanched even further. "Wait, WHAT?"

Celestial chuckled and tried to calm her student with a steadying wing. "Yes, of course! Haven't you noticed how many potions contain EUV as a base ingredient?" She couldn't resist donning her former teaching role, so she went on. "You should remember that it is one of the most common foundational components of equine apothecalogy." Celestia lectured kindly to the surprised purple pony.

"EUV? Isn't that just a simple chemical binder? I thought it stood for 'Equestrian Universal Volume-augmenter', that's what we were taught in class!" Twilight half-shouted, not believing that this wasn't all some elaborate prank being played on her by Celestia.

"Yeah, I've always that EUV stood for that too. We use it in everything: it's great at increasing the volume of your potion without diluting its effects." Starlight Glimmer asked, now a bit curious and flustered herself.

Celestia and Luna shared a glance at one another, before Celestia decided to continue on. "Well, this shouldn't leave my royal chamber my little ponies, but EUV does not stand for 'Equestrian Universal Volume-augmenter', as is commonly misunderstood. It is an abbreviation for 'essentia unicornis virilem' which means-"

"Essence of male unicorn." Twilight finished, trying to prove that she wasn't a complete neophyte. "But still, I don't understand... over the course of a year all of ponydom must use tons of that... stuff... just where in the heck is it all coming from?" Twilight asked of her teacher.

Luna stepped forward while chuckling, "Actually, sister... I am interested about this as well." Luna looked over to Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle and explained herself further. "In my day, a young wizard would simply... unload himself when he desired the reagents for a potion... or would keep a handy store if he didn't demand freshness in his brews."

Starlight's disgusted face betrayed what she thought of Luna's 'good old days'. Still, she chouldn't help but ask a question: "But what about mares... I thought that there were barely any stallion wizards back in the day..."

"Indeed, Starlight Glimmer..." Luna turned to her. "A mare would often turn to her special somepony for a 'mutually beneficial' extraction."

Twilight stuck her tongue out in disgust, asking still further "b-but what if she didn't have a special somepony... because maybe she was shy... or too busy studying... or taking care of a baby dragon...?"

Luna rolled her eyes. "In such a case, the reclusive virgin mare would simply turn to her family for assistance."

"Hey! I didn't say she was a virgin! Also, that's... well... gross!"

"Please, Princess Sparkle..." Luna rolled her eyes at Twilight's impassioned interruption, "the mare you suggested in your 'example' is quite obviously an inexperienced virgin librarian... this is apparent to everyone present."

Starlight chuckled as Twilight embarassingly blushed.

"...Anyway..." Celestia coughed as she tried to get the conversation back on track. "To answer your question Luna, all of the EUV stock is currently supplied by unicorns of breeding age from the Burst family."

"What!?" Now it was Starlight's turn to become a flummoxed, blushing mess.

"Yes, apparently their young colts right up to their elders will all get together during the annual family reunion and take turns to fill a giant central vat with-"

Starlight and Twilight looked like they were turning green and were about to be sick. Noticing this, Celestia waved a hoof to allay their concerns. "Please, my little ponies... they take many steps after the reunion ritual to purify and preserve the magical essence of the seed, and exclude the... biological components... it is all quite sanitary."

"Hmph, this age is becoming squeamish, sister. There would be no such refinement required in our day." Luna seemed miffed that the Burst-family-provided EUV would be so altered.

"Times change, Luna. Still, I hope this allays the concerns you had about the potion you were looking to brew, Twilight. You should be able to use any regular EUV ingredient you have about to complete your potion." Celestia smiled at her former student, only to be surprised that Twilight looked more distressed than ever. "Is... something still wrong?"

Still pawing at the ornate marble floor, Twilight hesitantly admitted the crux of her embarassment. "Well, the formula also had some rather particular requirements for the source and procedure of extraction..."

Yet again, Celestia raised an eyebrow at Twilight's reply and looked over to her sister before asking, "This potion... would it happen to have been deigned by Starswirl the Bearded by any chance?"

"Y-yes!" Twilight answered in surprise.

Luna sighed, "Of course it would be one of that old lech's potions... which one was it... 'Potion of Alicorn Hair Waving"? 'Brew of Princess's Neck Elongation'? 'Concoction of Royal Teat Enlargement'?" she rattled off a few from memory as if she had a list that was a mile long.

"Uhh.... Potion of Alicorn Remembrance, actually. But how did you know it was Starswirl the Bearded?" Twilight asked.

"Because Starswirl had a huge crush on Luna." Celestia cut in.

"Had being the key word. And you had one as well, sister." Luna frowned, not enjoying being singled out.

"I suppose. In any case, he became a brilliant Wizard partially because of how intricately he would weave the requirements for his spells and potions to require the most... unique... of reagents from Luna and I. It would take ponies generations to rediscover his work without the complications he wove into his theorems to force some type of sexual service from us... The more powerful ones, not even Luna and I have been able to remove his unique[/] requirements." Celestia chuckled.

Luna shared the laugh. "Starswirl invented whole new complex and wondrous fields of magic... often with the simple aim of obtaining a hoofjob." She laughed as she pumped her hoof up and down an imaginary shaft.

Celestia prodded her sister teasingly. "Come now Luna, be fair. If I recall correctly, he invented thaumological horn resonances to buck you while you were in heat."

Luna bristled, her wings ruffling in displeasure. "Not true sister. You know that I remain untaken. The moon must be pure, untouched. Whenever he required the juices of the mixture of princess and stallion intercourse he would turn to you. As the moon, I must remain unsullied. A pure virgin maiden." She closed her eyes and turned her chin up regally.

Celestia skeptically looked at her sister, before replying in a deadpan. "Some pure maiden. I recall him requiring hairs from your mane, coated in his essence after having bucked you in the tailhole, and you being quite enthusiastic about providing them."

"EVERYPONY KNOWS THE TAILHOLE COUNTETH NOT! Besides, YOU were the one who loved getting his seed in your hair! You said it was the 'best natural conditioner bar none', hypocrite!" Luna shouted, reverting to her antiquated dialect.

"Stoooooop!" Twilight burst in, exasperated. "You two are ruining the vision I had of you as mother/teacher figures... not to mention my personal hero Starswirl! Please... spare the remainder of my childhood! I don't need to know any more!"

Luna and Celestia froze in mid-argument, looking between one another and the embarrassed Twilight, before they nearly collapsed with chuckling laughter.

Luna wiped tears from her eyes as she turned toward the pouting purple alicorn. "S-sorry Twilight... haha... we forgot that you still think our sister is a blushing bride... so then, what does this Potion of Alicorn Remembrance require... just a little EUV mixed with alicorn hair?"

Twilight's wings bristled outwards slightly as she nervously went on. "Uh... actually, it required the semen of a powerful unicorn... to be extracted by an alicorn... and for the two to be 'kin'..."

"Sounds like a typical late-era Starswirl potion..." Luna sighed. When Starlight gave her a perplexed eyebrow, Luna explained herself further, "For a little while Starswirl and I were having a bit of a quarrel... I may have acquired the required seed ingredients from some other promising unicorns."

Celestia chuckled, "Instead of trying to work things out with Luna he simply reworked all of his new theories to exclude the bloodlines of the other major houses... This worked well, seeing as he was the final living stallion of the House of Celes..."

Luna completed her sister's explanation... "The ancient House of Celes was at some time in the distant and forgotten past... *ahem*... 'linked' with the our bloodline." Celestia blushed and looked away, unwilling to meet the eyes of any of the other mares present to explain how such a tryst might have occurred.

Twilight paused as she digested the meaning of what was said, before slowly working out the larger implication. "B-but Starswirl didn't have any children... which means that all of his potions since your quarrel... can no longer be created!"

Celestia frowned. "Indeed, this is something I had never considered. There could be a whole number of critical potions that we can no longer recreate, this is a serious emergency for all of Equestria. However, I believe you may be mistaken; there is still a living alicorn with a kindred source for the component in question."

Twilight's heart began racing as she realized where this was leading. "Uh, well there's always... uhm... Cadence-"

Luna shook her head, cutting Twilight off immediately, "Unfortunately not. As you know, Twilight, Cadence was found alone as a pegasus foal... there is no way to know which family lineage she is descended from. It would seem that this task falls only upon you, Twilight Spar-"

"WAIT!" Twilight shouted exasperated, desperate for an out. "It... it... IT ISN'T that important, I mean... it's not like we are ever really going to need that spell again, the odds are so incredibly low." Twilight avoided making eye contact with Starlight as she said this, knowing that it was the very same argument her friend had used before they'd even started the contingency planning earlier that morning.

"No my student, I am afraid it is of the utmost importance. In fact, given how much could rest upon these potions, I may very well have to burden you with preparing many of Starswirl's lost recipes." Celestia said softly, resting a wing comfortingly over Twilight. "I will prepare a courier to fetch your father immediately and expl-"

"NO!" Twillight shouted, scurrying away from Celestia's wing. "Not Dad!" She groaned, before hanging her head in defeat. "Fine.... I'll do it. But not my Dad... I'll ask Shining." She let out a giant sigh and stuck her tongue out at the thought of what lay ahead.

Celestia smiled grimly and put a hoof under Twilight's muzzle to lift her head back up. "Don't fret Twilight. This is for the good of Equestria... it is the noble burden of a true Princess."

Twilight smiled halfheartedly as she hitched her saddlebags back onto her back, trotting toward the door. "I guess, still though... my BBBFF? Gross..." Twilight muttered, before opening the door and looking back and Celestia, "I'm going to drop by home before I head out to the Crystal Empire... DON'T tell anypony else about this please, Celestia." Twilight turned away while Starlight chuckled and waved goodbye to the princesses as they left, shutting the door behind them.

A minute passed, with total silence between the two princesses. Once both were sure that Twilight was fully out of earshot, there was no restraining their laughter. Luna was particularly affected, rolling about on the ground, clutching her belly as she guffawed deeply, trying to catch her breath.

"Bwahahaha! That was priceless sister! The 'good of Equestria', 'noble burden'? Hahaha! And ponies think I am the dramatic princess!" Luna slapped a hoof down on Celestia's back with a good-natured thump, as the latter tried to clear her eyes from the mirthful tears that had formed there.

"Heehee! I Thought I was pretty convincing, Luna." Celestia smirked. "Especially when I insisted that these potions could be essential. Hah!"

"Verily, with how peaceful this era is, and all of the additional support from other unicorns..." Luna surmised, before concluding: "I honestly didn't think I'd ever need to hear about that perverted Starswirl or his lecherous potions again!" Luna sniffed the air haughtily. "Though, I agree with your choice to mislead her sister... these new princesses need to learn that it is not all tiaras and tea parties... and more often it is tentacles and tail-holes." Luna laughed darkly as she thought back to all the times being a Princess had been... sweaty.

"It wasn't just that that, Luna." Celestia gave her sister a playful little hip-bump. "I think Twilight really needs to get laid"

This statement set Luna into another giggling fit, before she caught her breath and replied, "Too true, sister! For her to scurry to your side with each little problem like this... it really shows that she's never had a tumble in the hay! How scandalous; at her age and beauty to have never lifted her tail for any colt! She must truly be the epitome of... how is it said these days? Truly a prodigious nerd! What did you teach her, sister?"

Celestia frowned at her sister's teasing of the absent Twilight. "Careful Luna... I seem to recall somepony just shouting something about how the 'tailhole counteth not'? I believe you are as much a part of the 'maiden club' as Twilight." Luna blushed and looked down at the ground, embarrassed by her behavior.

"Still," Celestia continued, "you aren't wrong. I fear that I let Twilight down terribly when it came to teaching her about romantic intimacy." Celestia sighed. "At this point the only stallion I could think of that has a hope of wetting her marehood outside of some novel, is her brother, Shining Armor. I can only hope that this assignment awakens that flame within her." Celestia looked wistfully toward the closed doors that Twilight had exited just a few moments earlier.

Luna, seeing her sister in a semi-depressed state, attempted to distract her. Returning the happy hip-check she'd just received she spoke to her older sibling. "Come now, Celly, don't pout... how about a friendly wager?" Celestia's eyebrow arched in curiosity while Luna continued with a grin. "I bet 50 bits that Princess Sparkle wastes her brother's first load and spends 10 minutes desperately stroking his flaccid stallionhood during his refractory period!"

Celestia did a full spit-take, imagining an embarrassed Twilight waggling her Captain of the Guard's floppy shaft while whining about how this situation wasn't covered in some textbook.

Luna beamed at her sister's reaction. "...and 100 bits that she wasted it by receiving the full blast to her face while inspecting his shaft!" Celestia burst into laughter, as the Twilight in her imagination was now painted with her brother's sticky, white goo.

"Hahaha... ah... Thank you Luna." Celestia said, smiling now. "I'll take that bet! We should know soon enough, too! I happen to know that a certain Princess of Love and her husband happen to be in Canterlot by royal invitation this week... and are staying at their parents home, even tonight!"

Luna stared at Celestia, wide-eyed... "Did you plan this out after scrying on Twilight, sister?"

Celestia looked away with an 'aw shucks' half-guilty shrug, "Maybe...."

Luna rolled her eyes, "And people think the moon is naughty."

Both princesses enjoyed a whole new bout of laughter as they surmised on how Twillight would fare that evening.

Author's Note

Boom! Chapter two is out.... Aaaand I'm going right back to making a long fic again.

I can't help it!

Anyway, if you like it leave a comment, please!

Each comment gets me motivated to write more for you!

Thanks all!

An Awkward Family Dinner

Based on a great animation by clopician on Derpibooru: #1498793 warning pic is NSFW

Chapter 3 - An Awkward Evening at Home

Twilight Velvet almost skipped over to her dining room table, carrying a plate of thick veggie sausages in her magical field. "Let me just say again what a wonderful surprise this is! I hardly see my kids once a year, then all of a sudden everyone is in Canterlot in the same week! Why, this my be the first family dinner we've had in years!" She set the plate down on the dining room table, slapping away Night Light's hoof with practiced ease as he reached to snag a sausage early. "And with Cadence here... it's just like old times!"

"Thank you for inviting me in to your lovely home as well, Mrs. Light." Starlight Glimmer smiled, as Twilight Velvet took her seat at the table.

"Of course, Starlight! It's so good to see my little Twilight making friends! She's gotten so much better at it over the last few years... now if only she could become as good at finding a solid coltfriend..."

"M-mom!" Twilight Sparkle moaned, her face a tomato red (though she had been in a constant state of blushing since learning her brother was also home).

"What? Can you blame a mare for wanting more grandfoals?" Twilight Velvet smirked, patting her daughter's hoof. "Speaking of which, how is that little angel, Flurry Heart, doing?"

Cadance smiled and responded, "Wonderfully! I just got a letter from the royal daycare and she's getting along great with the other foals on their weekend mini-camp... I know it's good for foals her age to get a little time away from their parents so they don't get too attached, but I have to admit... it's really hard on me to not worry about her every two minutes!" She let out an exasperated sigh.

"Well its the stallion's job to make sure his mare is distracted when the foals aren't around." Velvet slyly stated, waggling her eyebrows. As she did this, she used her magic to place a sausage in Night Light's plate... waggling it and jokingly stroking the length of the sausage with her magic before placing it down.

Now both Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle shouted with the same breath: "M-MOM!" as Cadance, Starlight and Night Light chuckled behind their hooves.

"You two have always been too easy to tease." Night Light laughed, "Still, she isn't wrong son... make sure you take care of your beautiful wife."

"D-dad! You too?" Shining groaned.

"Don't worry Night Light, I can guarantee you your son has no problem in that department..." Cadance laughed while adopting bedroom eyes, floating the longest sausage with her magic from the serving tray to Shining's plate, drawing the magic field sensually up the length before flicking the tip and placing it in front of her husband who chuckled nervously with a gulp.

Twilight slapped a hoof to her face and looked at Starlight apologetically. "I am so sorry about my family, Starlight Glimmer... they weren't always this embarrassing..." Her discomfort caused everyone else around the table to laugh.

Dinner went along with less lewd jocularity, the conversation turning to life in Ponyville, the Crystal Empire, and Canterlot. Twilight found herself having a tough time eating her sausage, unable to separate the meaty cylinder in front of her with thoughts of the meaty cylinders under the table.

Unbeknownst to Twilight, when Cadance had done her little show with the sausage, she'd displayed her magical talents to her husband, mirroring the magic she'd been using on the sausage simultaneously with a magical field on her husband's shaft. She'd drawn the field up his sheath, finishing with a little flick to his flaccid head which caused him to gulp nervously.

Since Cadance had been playing non-stop magical 'footsies' with Shining. She was good at concealing her activity, hiding her stroking and grasping of Shining's cock by making sure she was manipulating something on the table at the same time. Shining did his best not to react - Cadance always tended to be a little kinky about anything sexual, and he knew from embarrassing experience that she would only take things to further extremes if he started to protest or try to shut her down.

Shining had no choice but to try to endure her deft magical touch, as she traced the contours of his veiny cock, her magical aura alternatively grasping and tickling his medial ring... dancing along the ridge of his cockhead, and lightly massaging his balls. Shining had quickly extended to a full, throbbing erection. He knew he was a very well-endowed stallion but this was a situation in which that was not to his advantage, as his penis quickly hit the underside of the table, and lengthened further - the top of half of his shaft was pressing against the cold wood. He half-suspected that if the table wasn't laden with plates and food right now, he might be able to lift its weight with the force of his erection.

Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle dropped her fork under the table. Shining froze, mortified as he wondered if his little sister would reach under the table with her magic or duck under personally to pick up the utensil. Seeing her start to duck under the table, he panicked... with his entire force of will he tried to force his stallionhood to deflate before she could go under and see him in his full glory. He was almost successful too, until Cadence realized what was going on and, with an impish smile, clasped her magic around the base of his shaft, locking the blood in his penis and preventing him from shrinking... if anything her pumping grip caused him to engorge to an even veinier fullness. He tried to squeak out a protest, but was cut-off prematurely as one of Cadence's magical tendrils slipped up his rosebud, tickling his prostrate from inside. At this point, Shining could only swallow with nervous fear as he watch his little sister duck her head under the tablecloth in search of her fork...

Twilight was chuckling absent-mindedly at one of her father's dry, terse jokes as she ducked under the table cloth so she could see where her fork had fallen and snatch it in her magical glow. As her eyes gained focus in the low lighting under the cloth, she noticed a strange faint glow coming from her left. Looking over in that direction, she immediately noticed the pink colored field of Cadence's magic stroking what looked like some kind of horrific growth coming out of her brother.

'No... wait', Twilight thought, blinking to focus her eyes, 'was that one of his legs? No it couldn't be, its ebony black and throbbing and... eep!'

Finally, it clicked in Twilight's head that the massive, veiny appendage was her brother's penis. Her eyes traced up the powerful and thick tube of flesh, following along as Cadance's magic slowly stroked from the wide base of his organ, up and over the terrifyingly prominent medial ridge, and finally tracing up to the fattening flare, which was weeping a thick liquid that invaded Twilight's nostrils with a sickly sweet musk that made Twilight... uncomfortable.

With a breathless gasp, Twilight shot back up in her seat, her wayward fork long forgotten. She did everything she could to avoid making eye contact with either Cadence or her brother... and from what she could see out of her peripheral vision, they were doing the same. Red faced Twilight did everything she could to focus on her food, trying desparately (and failing miserably) to avoid thinking about what was taking place under the table mere inches from her.

Shining Armor was fit to explode in more ways than one. His adventurous wife was taking things way too far yet again. He knew she was bold and initiated most of their sexcapades, but this was over the line. His little sister had surely just seen what she was up to under the table. No amount of coughing, subtle elbows, or hasty glares seemed to be communicating the message to the pink alicorn princess of love, however... she continued to chat obliviously with Twilight Velvet as if nothing was happening even as her magic slid under his egg-smooth testicles to knead his taint. OK, that was far enough. Deciding that he could only salvage the most awkward ending to a family dinner by taking command of the situation, Shining picked up his wine glass, his horn shimmering with blue magic as he levitated the glass haphazardly. 'Perfect' he thought, 'now that I've got the cover for why my horn is glowing...' he bit his lip in focus as he directed a magical energy field under the table, tracing along his wife's left hoof, up her leg and into her nether region.

Immediately, he could feel the moist heat through his magical sensory field. She was really worked up! Shining traced around the outside of the puffy, swollen pubic mound, squeezing and teasing with a warm massage that assaulted from all angles at once. It was only a few moments of this treatment before he felt her clitoris slide out of its hiding spot, pushing open the folds of her labia with an small squelch.

"So how are you finding the teething process to be going, Cadence?" Twilight Velvet asked as she rose from the table, beginning to clear some of the assorted plates.

Shining knew that he should stop immediately lest Cadence's response give away the game with a moan or throaty groan to his mother... and Cadence had stopped stroking his shaft - a sure sign of a deescalation in their sexual scuffle - but he was feeling vengeful. On the next throbbing wink, he slipped his magic field into the first half-inch of the soaked pussy, delicately stroking the clitoral bulb from inside its moist cavity.

"Oh, not so bad! At first my teats felt like chewed hay, but she quickly learned not to nip!" Cadence chuckled, her voice completely devoid of any reaction or indication that Shining's ministrations were having any effect on her.

'What?' Shining wondered, somewhat annoyed. Usually Cadence ran pretty hot: she would not hesitate to wake the dead with her vocal screams of pleasure. He didn't think she had it in her to maintain such composure and, being the macho stallion he was, this was taken as a challenge to his masculinity.

Renewing his efforts, Shining slipped the magical field deep into the wet vagina it was playing with, forcing apart tight fleshy petals that churned and gripped at his field. 'Damn,' Shining grimaced while focusing, 'Cadence is tight today, she's been doing those exercises again!' his thoughts served to arouse him further as he imagined his wife clenching and unclenching her marehood to strengthen her pelvic floor muscles for him. 'Still,' Shining nearly grunted aloud as he mused, 'this is a bit ridiculous! I can barely squeeze deeper then a few inches deep!' he struggled to explore deeper into the hot, twisting cavern. The throbbing clitoris had a mind of its own, now. It fired off in random but continuous struggles, clearly orgasming from his attention as his magical field sensed the slight splashing of fluids seeping from the parted, sticky lips.

"I do have to say Velvet, this dinner was absolutely delicious! Did you really cook it on such short notice?" Cadence chuckled as she stood to walk to the kitchen, having stacked some of the plates in her own magical field. Shining was aghast as he watched his wife walking to the kitchen without a care in the world, totally nonplussed by his hard work! Frustrated, he used his field to grip the clitoris and vibrate it furiously, triggering a clenching, squirting orgasm that splattered outwards... it was finally at that exact moment that he realised. His wife was walking away... there was none of his field around her... then where?

He froze.

He felt his stomach plummet through the floor. No, through the crust of Equestria, and deep into it's molten core.

He ever so slowly turned his head, toward his right. Scanning across the table to where Starlight Glimmer was sitting. Maybe he'd gotten her by accident? It would be bad, yes... but still better than the alternative.

But no, Starlight Glimmer merely looked back at him with an arched eyebrow, as if to say 'What the heck are you staring at?' Then her face suddenly changed to one of concern as she looked to Shining's right and asked aloud, "Twilight!? What's wrong?"

'Oh Celestia, please no!' Thought Shining as he looked to his right.

"Honey? Are you OK?" Shining barely registered his father's worried tone as he looked at his little sister, two places down from him, her head slumped on the table, sweating profusely, her tongue hanging partly out of her mouth with bits of drool coating the underside of her muzzle, her eyes shut tightly as she let out a soft, pained moan. Her hooves were beneath the table, obviously down in her stomach area.

"Do you have a stomache-ache sweetie? Was the food not to your liking?" Twilight Velvet asked from the kitchen with concern.

"Unnnngggghhhh... n-no," Twilight groaned out as she lifted her head lazily from the table.

Shining was doing his best impression of Discord, pre-escape from the statue garden. His natural defense mechanism had kicked in. Perhaps, if he didn't move, he would eventually just die in this exact spot, resolving all of his problems.

"I-I need to g-get some rest." Twilight shivered as she regained control of her muscles, shakily stepping off the dinner chair and walking toward the stairs. She had to use some magic to hold her tail down as it involuntarily tried to flag up in the air to reveal her arousal. Shining's last hope, that he had perhaps been rubbing one out on a mare somewhere else in Canterlot, or that his magic field was feeding him entirely false signals was crushed as he noticed the silvery strand of marejuice trailing from under Twilight's tail to her chair. Looking down slowly, he saw the puddle of marecum where Twilight's butt had just been, confirming his worst horror.

He had just fingered his little sister to orgasm.