Chapter 3:

Have you taken a guess of where I am? Good for you, because to me, that not only hurts my feelings, but lets me know that there is something entirely bigger going on.

It's like you're waving a nice little kitten in my face and saying that it’s a frog. Clearly you know it’s a kitten. But why tell me it's a frog?

Commence the fourth wall break...

Currently, I was falling thousands of feet above ground, which, as my speed increased, grew ever so closer. It's nothing like the advertisements in parachuting. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

Normally you would think that someone like me would be screaming right about now.

No, trust me - I tried. But it seems that the faster and longer you fall, the less time you have to exhale that high pitched squeal. It's weird too. Like someone had tightened their hands around my throat and wouldn't let go.

Amongst the rapid degradation of height, I tried frantically flapping and flailing my limbs. This recreation of a majestic pigeon was lost to the clouds and wind. The grass was mere feet away, and to make it all worse, I was going to become pancaked on a tree stump.

Falling from heights, or even heights for that matter, wasn't that scary to me. Seeing as how I'd done several pratfalls in my lifetime - I hadn't dwelled on vertigo or tall places.

Coming face to face with it in such a sudden factor was a problem though. And honestly, who is to blame in this situation?

The thoughts that ran through my mind were: Rook, the heartless bastard. And out of all the things he could have done, I did not think he would do me in like this.

There were a thousand things he could have done. Ran me through with that weird magical sword, ditched me from the car going 100mph - snapped my neck, a curb stomp… the list goes on and on.

But to kick me through a fucking interdimensional butthole, and expect me to die like… this… this is one helluva wake up call.

The only good news about any of this, is I blacked out before anything else happened. One stomach lurch and it was pitch black as though someone had turned off all the lights.

Meaning, when I woke, or if that even happened, at least my torment would be ceased. Finally meant I could just lean back and let all of my fucked up memories corrode me into a different being.

O.o.O.o.O

But then, it is weird, knowing that you're dead. It's like closing a good book after a read. Except the book is your life. And by technical standards, my life is basically a pamphlet.

“Devin. Wake up - we brought you some food.” And that's what brought me to reality.

Oh for the love of... I knew angels were nice, but I die and that is the first thing they say to me? Very fucking enticing God, you have my attention.

Both of my eyes flutter open, shying away almost immediately after breaking contact with some bright light that cascaded onto my pupils. Dust particles floated around the expanse of white, moving about as though they were living beings.

When I was able to finally keep my peripherals open long enough, the most peculiar thing happened.

I came face to face, with a unicorn.

I know right? It's just, bam, there. No warnings, I didn't pass go…

There was just a living, breathing unicorn, staring me directly in the eyes. Granted, it took a moment to cock its head when I garbled out a nonsensical amount of what I assumed to be spanish.

After that scenario though, looking down, I saw that I had a plate on my lap, which was being supported by a red velvet blanket. Key to what was said earlier.

Unicorn angel brought me food.

The room I was in was relevant to that of some kind of master bedroom. The source of light, literally the only source, was streaming through the curtains on the right hand side of the room. An armoire standing lone behind this equine, and a dresser to the left of it occupied about a quarter of the room.

On that dresser lay a mirror with several items of decoration like towels and jewelry boxes.

I would go on and on about how glorious the setup was, but when a magical beast starts a verbal conversation with you, it's kinda hard not to say no.

“So, I uh - know you are confused… but Please, let me finish what I have to say before you faint again.”

That's really reassuring talking horse. I looked at the equine as it began to move it's lips in a similar English fashion,

“I doubt you know who I am, nor what is going on,” The horse put a hoof on my arm,

“But it's me. Solar.”

There was a sharp intake of breath as I started to quickly shit my pants. The more doctoral term is ‘hyperventilate’ but I like to up the cuss count to increase the levels of why.

It became so hard to believe it in fact, that my thoughts echoed, like,

No. No way. This… this is the opposite of what the fuck. This is fuck the what.

I planned on passing out again. Hoping that I would wake up from whatever was put in that tea. And that it’d fade away as I coaxed myself awake.

But the more I thought on that, Solar was there. Every time. My conclusion was that I was clinically insane. Can't be real. If it were real, I could punch mysel-

She wrapped her pony-esque limbs around my numb form, shushing me as though I were a child. Although comforting to an awe’d degree since I was being hugged by a mythical creature, it confirmed the pinch method since I could feel her squeeze me.

Which is… an uh-oh.

“Shhh- I'm so sorry, Devin I did not mean for this to happen to you- I just…”

As she tried to think of reasons of how to say sorry, she pulled away. One look said it all, amongst the beginnings of tears,

“I'm sorry.”

Whatever I had been doing, halted as she wiped away her emotions away.

Magically, I might add.

Like, With a tip of her horn, and two magic flicks, them teardrops were gone lickety split.

Though somehow she wasn't human, Solaris still had some amazing features - for a horse.

Keywoard, Horse, Equine and or Pony.

There were her icy blue eyes, the flaming hair, and as her coat, a light peach. She was a unicorn, magical in every sense. I just couldn't fucking believe, excuse the french, that a magnificent myth was actually sitting in the general vicinity.

That was like shaking Elton John's hand.

And then Elton John saying he was a vampire.

Would make sense since he is always wearing something to shield his eyes…

“Please tell me I'm dreaming.” I said, interrupting the rapid thinking process. My own voice betrayed me, cracking into multiple segments of true and false. This was either a damn fun dream, or an absolute nightmare.

“If only.” She replied, a small smile tugging at the edges of her snout. That dropped my mood by a lot.

I blinked forcefully and looked at the plate, “Let's uh…” I inhaled, trying to see what could be said to enhance the vocabular imatants of this conversation,

“Wow. What do I even say?”

Solar leaned back, “I could try to explain to you how you got here, if that helps.”

I had a motion as to the how, “Rook?”

Solar gestured haphazardly, “Yes. He forced you through our world, and you quite literally fell asleep about ten seconds after.”

I frowned. That just leaves the, why am I here.

“The rest is - complicated.” Solar said quietly almost answering my internal question.

I took note on how she glanced at the door every so often. Regardless, I inquired, “So...you're a.... unicorn?” I visibly gagged on that sentence, “How the hell can this be explained exactly?”

Because it's way more than just that. It's like somebody took my mind, and slammed it into the back of a garbage truck. Everything was so squished.

Solar leaned forward, “Honestly? I'm pretty pissed about this myself Devin. You aren't supposed to be here,”

She gestured to me, which didn't make me feel all nice inside, “Yet here you are.”

I huffed, shuffling awkwardly in my covers, “Thanks for the vote of confidence… it's not entirely my fa-”

Solar hushed me, “I KNOW.”

She breathed a little, “If it were possible, I would be trying to reverse what has been done. But because Rook is so absent minded, he has decided that you are to remain here with us.”

I gulped, “Us being?”

“Me, mainly. There are other ponies who will be at your aid when I am not available, but mostly it will be me who is keeping an eye on you.”

I sighed, “A unicorn warden. Very… odd.”

Odd isn't a good word. But I'm running out of brain matter to conjure up big words, because unicorn.

One question popped up though. And it was on how long I was going to be kept here, “So… you watching me all the time. Is that like a week sentence?”

Solar sighed, “More like a life sentence. Devin, I'm sorry to be dropping this all on you all of a sudden, but so many things have happened in a such a small amount of time.”

Well shit.

As the room grew silent, I tried to lighten the mood by cracking a joke, “Could be worse.” I said moving to scratch my head.

Only to find out I had no fingers.

Or a hand.

I had Hooves.

The situation is now all fucked up.

“Solar you have two seconds to tell me where my fap helpers have gone. Otherwise I will resort to verbally exclaiming that you're a bigot to your own race.”

Solar blinked, “Would you like the short story, or Long?”

“Abridged.” I said grimly.

And so Solaris weaved a fantastical tale about something that made no sense to me. It was like teaching a toddler calculus and a crash course in mind bending logic.

You see, before we continue with my misfortune, it just so happens that not only is Solar an equine. But I am too.

Testing your cringe levels aren't I?

I agree with my own sentiment because it's so goddamn… stupid, that I had to ask how it was even possible. Just how did I, human, become equine. The science alone hindered me from thinking of this impossibility.

Scholar Solar said that passing through the gateway into this place has the ever odd effect of ponification. Whereas in reverse, it is humanification.

Which isn't a word, so fuck you. Big words, small dick.

Regardless, it passed me as odd, of course, and even more so when I realized that if I was going to get my good ol’ fingers or little piggies back, I would have to go back through that gateway.

And until then, I was in an alien body. I hadn't noticed until now, but everything felt wrong. Your hands and feet felt like they had fallen asleep, and it was in that stage just before the blood started to rush to them.

Then of course you know how you can see your nose 24/7, but you never give it the benefit of the doubt?

Imagine slamming a plank of wood on your face. And having to move it around constantly.

I mean… I could smell stuff more clearly.

Just, don't get me started on my ears, or what was on my ass.

Alright?

Thankfully I could move my arms around, but like I said before, it felt so wrong. As Solaris continued to explain about how my condition was currently, horsed, I wiggled my limbs around, noticing how heavy my non-hand felt now.

Hitting my head with it confirmed that it was rather sturdy, and frankly, hurt the hell outta my noggin.

So not doing that again.

“Devin where you even listening?”

I sniffed, “No. I was forming bullet points about how much I hate your fiancé.”

“You can do that on a later note.”

My gaze drifted to the mystical unicorn, “Why not now? At this current second, I don't see hide nor hair of your boyfriend.”

As though on cue, the door that Solar had been previously staring at burst open, causing me to let out a high pitched scream, and pull the red velvet covers over myself.

Somebody strolled in with their ego as high as a blimp,

“My ears were burning. You two were talking about me, weren't you?”

Rook… if I was taller, smarter and faster, I would kick his muscular ass. But, due to my predicament, I was at a loss for action.

So since I knew what I knew, that meant Rook was too. Bars aside, when I finally did peek from the covers, the guy looked way more menacing as an actual person.

In his current state, Solar actually towered over him in terms of height. But he held that harsh green glare, still was muscular as fuck, although - his fur was an unnatural shade of blue. It reminded me of a dark gem. He kept his hair in a perfect swoosh, and at the current moment, he was wearing what I assumed to be battle armor.

No lie.

Jeez… Imma have an aneurysm here in a sec if I had to talk about colors anymore.

Fuck. I forgot about me in terms of coloring…

Eh. We'll get to that.

“Maybe” Said Solar with a smile, “We were discussing something, but it's hard to remember if it was about you.”

Rook stopped a few feet from the bed and breathed in, “Ooooh - still giving me the cold shoulder?” He laughed, “At least he still has his head, Solaris. If it had been up to me-”

Solar cut him off, “You keep up that arrogant attitude and it will never be your decision.

Well at least Solar is nice to me. I wouldn't be able to keep up with her arguments. To save my hide, I decided to shrug in agreement and slowly come out of my makeshift shelter.

Rook raised a brow, eyeing me with a predatory intent, “Hmm - anywho, how is he doing?”

Solar laughed, “He is right here. Why don't you ask him yourself?”

Yeah. You fucking lazy bastard.

“Mmm - fine. Devin, how goes your fortune this fine morning?” He said with all of the sarcasm he could muster. It almost sounded real if he didn't fixate those threatening glared in my general vicinity.

I responded in the most euphoric way possible, that being nonchalantly, “Well if you must insist, dearest kidnapper, I am not well. In fact I would say that if there were a term for what I am feeling, more than likely I would've already inscribed it on my gravestone.”

I sniffed and tried lifting the spoon to eat the meal placed in front of me, but I forgot that my hand was currently not a hand, and it didn't have any fingers either. So really all that happened was the sound of me pushing a spoon around the ceramic bowl contested the room.

And it was pretty annoying.

Trying to grab something without using thumbs is like… putting on 10 or 20 pairs of gloves. It may seem like a bit much, but try doing anything with your hands after that.

“Hate. Just one word, ‘hate’.” I raised my grey colored arm and pretended to read my tomb, “Here lies Devin, ponified, confused, and berated with questions. Died with the word, HATE, on his mind.”

Rook gave a nod, “Not what I would have put on your grave, but close enough.”

“It's a start. I'd rather it be me who says mine own closing words, rather than somebody who I barely met.” I say with a sigh. I wanted to rub the bridge of nose, but I didn't have a nose, or fingers.

Rook smiled and began pacing around the bed, the hardness of his hooves slapped the wooden floor with a sharp, clop.

“Well, Solar has gone over the prerequisites of your stay, correct?”

I frowned, but nodded, “More or less.”

Rook raised a brow, “Which is it? More, or less?”

You know… if I didn't know any better, and if I were in his shoes, I would be doing exactly what Rook is doing. Trying to annoy me, that is.

“Less.” I said, gritting my enlarged molars.

Rook let out a small noise of confusion, “Oh… let me explain it further then.” He cleared his throat, standing at the at the end of the bed with a stern facial expression,

“This is not Earth, human. And as such it being, there are different accommodations you must get used to. These include language, currency, and introductions to yet another foreigner to the royalty spread across our land.”

Everytime he introduced another topic, he patted the blanket harder. The total amount, was 26 things I had to do. By the end of it, he looked like the tapes of Hitler, making a point about something that would get his followers killed

Lucky for me, I wasn't his follower.

“That's uh… a mouthful.” I said after he gave me the floor.

“I'm more concerned about when you're letting me go.”

Solar breathed out, doing a closely related action to rubbing your eyes.

Rook chuckled and shook his head, “I could never understand why your species were so lethargic.”

“Maybe it's because… oh I don't know…” I say up and three my arms out,

“WHO GETS KIDNAPPED BY DISGUISED HORSES?” When nobody said anything, I laughed,

“That's right! No one.” It just so happens though, that I get caught by a retarded Prince, after trying my hardest not to reel in panic.

Rook smirked, “You did. And - honestly - you are probably the only one.”

I had enough by that point, and it hit a nerve, hearing his snarky voice. So I tossed an insult,

“Alright, first off, fuck you. Why don't you do me a solid, and dunk your head in a bucket of piss. I really don't need your added trepidation.” I raised an eyebrow to add the effect of me not giving a flying fuck to his response.

Next time remember that although you are in a bad situation, don't backtalk a prince.

Rook whipped something out, I don't know what, guess I never will, and slammed said thing across my left cheek. My non-hands were at the stinging wound in less than a second. Though fingerless, I rubbed the spot as Rook snarled,

“Mind your tongue, Devin, or next time you speak out of line, I will tear it out.”

Solar didn't intervene. Either out of fear, or just to be there as a witness for my trip to Valhalla. He didn't say much after he sheathed his imaginary item, only bidding farewell to Solar and giving me a look of anger.

When he shut that door though, I chuckled and looked at the unicorn sitting at the edge of the bed,

“He didn't slap me with his dick did he?”

She sighed, “Devin…”

“Cus’ that was pathetic. I mean, did you even see the leng-”

Solar stopped me, by turning her head sharply. Then she commenced a stare that could freeze hell over.

It shut me up.

“We really need to work on your social skills.”

I shrugged, “I need to work on waking up.”

“Good luck with that.” Solar said with a chuckle.

“Thanks to you, I'm going to have to see if I can calm our prince down. You should see to it that you accommodate yourself to basic motor functions. I'll be back shortly.”

I sputtered as Solar hopped off the bed. She landed daintally on the ground, trotting over to the door as though she wasn't clearly forgetting someone.

“Well hold on now, aren't you going to at least help me?”

Solar opened the door somehow without lifting any of her limbs, which worried me a little,

“Nah, you're a big boy Devin.” And she left without another word. The door slamming shut made me jump a tad, rattling the platter my food was on.

Looking at it, I hoped it wasn't growing cold.
Then again, there was the fact that I hadn't asked how long I had been out.

O.o.O.o.O

Author's Note

Challenge: Take a shot every time you see a curse from now on.

More of a filler - I apologize for this chapters lateness. But in regards to how you peeps like it, let me know down below.