You Are Here

by Hazel Mee

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 32252

Desperate action is required to save an odd little corner of the pony Multiverse.

Insane Monarchs scheming World Domination!!
Legendary Horrors escaped from Centuries of Imprisonment!!1!
Precocious Foals on Cutie Mark Adventures!!1!!!?!

Twilight Sparkle, her family, and friends have never failed to triumph over such implacable threats to Equestria's peace and harmony. But now they must overcome their greatest challenge or the very fabric of reality will be shattered and history itself undone! No potent spell or mighty artifact is powerful enough! No words of wisdom wise enough! No regal alicorn is princessissly enough! The only thing standing between utter annihilation and harmonious survival is...

Twilight's virginity.

Trigger Warning: This story is quite silly & sexy - though you should probably read something else if you're looking for romance or lurid descriptions of genitals doing squishy things.

Published 2020-06-14 22:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-03 12:47:02 UTC

1 - Squires, Assemble!

In a backwater universe, far, far away from canon…

Twilight's eyes ached. Her eyelids scraped over the surface of her corneas with an imperceptible squeak, like tiny dry rubber squeegees on glass.

A familiar and comforting sensation, in a slightly masochistic way.

Sore eyes and an exhausted brain were an athletic ache. At least that's what she liked to think, especially when somepony pointed out her posterior was growing plumper. Neurons consumed vast amounts of energy and a good hard reading binge was just as strenuous as her friends pushing their bodies to the limit up in the sky or down on the farm!

They'd laugh their tails off at the comparison, which was exactly why she never bragged about her swole cerebrum.

With furrowed brows and flared nostrils she grunted, "Yeah!" quietly as she leaned over her book.

Grokking the Multiverse Without Going Insane was the bibliophile's equivalent of slapping on all the weights and bashing your skull against The Wall. Without a spotter. It was a thick, heavy, and unspeakably bizarre tome! Twilight wasn't at all certain that its author had managed the staying sane bit, and trying to make sense of the half scientific-inquiry, half mad-raving, and half drunken-foal's-doodles on the book's multidimensional pages was making her head throb.

The author was either a mad genius who'd seen too much or an imaginative moron who didn't get out enough.

That Twilight was on her third rep… Her third read through wasn't doing her brawny neurons much good. The hollowed and - to Twilight - hallowed oak tree was so quiet her ears would flick and twitch whenever a candle flame fluttered. Pages turned, echoing infrequent rustles from the Golden Oak's leafy crown overhead. A dozen or so pages later she sat back to rest her twitching eyes. She glanced over to the threadbare couch where her brother was leafing through a math-heavy article by Dr. Whooves' - a paper which hypothesised that Time and Space were actually the same thing. More fringe nonsense. But when the rulers of Equestria send you restricted material from the Canterlot archives with a note that reading them was 'of the utmost urgency' what else could a pony do but pound the pages?

Spike trotted in with mugs of coffee and cinnamon buns for the busy unicorn siblings.

He placed Twilight's on the table, peeked into the book, and made a slightly nauseated sound. "Geeze, Twilight! I don't know how you can read this stuff. Travelling through wormholes?" He stuck out his forked tongue. "Blegh! Space must be really mucous-y."

Twilight rubbed at her eyes with the soft frogs of her hooves and groaned. "I know, Spike. I know! It doesn't make much sense to me either. But it has to be really important if- Spike?" Her eyes snapped open as her little dragon assistant made wet horking noises and hunched over the book's eye twisting pages.

"BUUUURP!"

Fortunately it was a scroll that materialised out of his green fire, rather than gem-encrusted vomit.

Twilight caught the scroll in her magic, unrolled it, and skimmed its brief message with eyes that could barely focus.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I'm needed in Canterlot right away!"

Another draconic burp resounded from the other side of the room and moment later her brother yelped, "I've been summoned too and they're sending a chariot. Come on, Twily, let's go!"

Dusk Shine bolted out the Golden Oak Library's front door with Twilight hot on his hocks. She called over her shoulder, "Spike! Barb! Stay here, okay? Try not to get into too much trouble!"

After the heavy wooden door slammed shut Barb stumbled out from where she'd been napping beside the couch. She yawned and rubbed an eye while peering at Spike. "Sooo… Sleepover with the Crusaders?"

"I guess… But no more spin-the-bottle! I almost died last time when I had to kiss Loo." Spike licked his lips as he picked up Twilight's untouched coffee and cinnamon bun.

Barb shuddered at the memory of kissing Scootaroll. "Pre-teen post-preen pegasus puckers are pretty putrid. Blegh!"

Their chariot was blustery and cold as a pair of Royal Guard pegasi put everything they had into getting to Canterlot as swiftly as possible. Gusts whipped Twilight's mane into her face and she huddled up close to her twin's warmth.

"Look! Over there!" Dusk shouted and she peeped over the chariot's side in the direction his hoof pointed.

Squinting in the glare from puffy white clouds basking in the afternoon Sun, she spotted another chariot flying far below, skimming green fields and tree tops with a pair of yellow ponies huddled inside.

Something moved in the corner of her eye.

She tapped on her brother's shoulder and pointed at a third chariot rising into the sky from Sweet Apple Acres in the distance. "I think all of the Squires have been summoned."

They both shivered as if a nightmare was running its cold hooves up their back. Rushing all of them to Canterlot must mean this was something big. Very big. As in 'major threat to all of Equestria' big!

Bright explosions blossomed overhead followed a few seconds later by a crack and rumble as a spectacular pair of rainbooms spread across the pale blue sky.

The Rainbow twins were first to arrive, of course. Twilight and Dusk heard them yelling over the loud clatter of hooves and rumble of wheels as their chariot touched down in the cobbled courtyard.

"Mine was bigger!" shouted Rainbow Dash into her brother's face.

He snorted. "In your dreams, little sister. I was starboard in the flat scissors when we boomed and the right one was bigger! Mine was bigger!"

Dusk Shine rolled his eyes at the cliché of a stallion boasting about his size. He jumped down from the back of the sky chariot, waved a hoof at the Rainbows and dully observed, "They're at it again."

"When aren't they?" Twilight hopped down beside him and sighed. "They're the epitome of sibling rivalry."

The guards trotted off, taking the chariot with them. Dusk and Twilight moved to join the Rainbow twins as the next one began its landing approach.

Rainbow Dash tapped a hoof against her brother's chest. "Maybe your ass is bigger!"

"My ass? You're the one with foal-bearing hips!"

"Eww! Gross!" Dash shoved Blitz' smug face away with a hoof and stalked over to Twilight and Dusk, "Tell this gigantic ass who's rainboom was bigger! Mine! Right?"

"Blitz'." "Dash's."

Twilight and Dusk glanced at each other, then back at the Rainbow twins.

"Dash's." "Blitz'."

Rainbow Dash groaned and smacked her forehead with a hoof.

There was a loud clattering of hooves as the second sky chariot landed and rolled to a stop on the cobbles. Everypony watched and waited for the next Squires to disembark.

And waited.

Aaand waited.

One of the guards rapped against the chariot with a rear hoof and loudly announced, "Canterlot Castle! Everypony out!"

A yellow hoof reached out from the chariot and tentatively tapped the cobblestones. Butterscotch stepped half way out, smiled and waved to the other Squires, before fully disembarking. He turned and spoke gently to his sister, still hiding in the chariot. "We're here. Come on. I checked and we're safe on the nice, solid ground again."

"Are… Are you sure?" Fluttershy asked in a trembling voice.

Butterscotch's ears folded back and he shot a wide-eyed glance down at his hooves. He cautiously tapped one on the solid cobblestones and gasped in relief. "Yes. Whew. Yes, I'm sure. Come on. It's like stairs only with one teeny step. You got this!"

"I g-got this."

Fluttershy had one hoof on the ground and the other being held by her oh-so-kind and brave brother, when the guards decided they had better get the heck out of the way of the next inbound chariot. They quick marched away, and with a squeak and effeminate yelp Fluttershy and Butterscotch tumbled to the cobbles in a tangle of yellow legs and wings. Both Rainbow twins laughed their colourfully striped asses off while Twilight face-hooved at the silly spectacle. Dusk reached out with his magic to scoop the flailing pegasi up and move them from the path of the final sky chariot as it touched down.

"Howdy, y'all!" Applejack hopped down from the back of the chariot and trotted over to hoof-bump with Rainbow Dash. "That was some raight spec-tack-yuler flyin' there, shugar cube."

"I know, right?!"

Twilight waved shyly to Applejack as he lumbered down from the back of the chariot. "Good evening, Applejack. Did you enjoy your flight?"

The big shaggy stallion shook his head and drawled, "Eeenope."

Dusk Shine rolled his eyes while Twi went all giggly over the lump of farm-pony muscle she had a not-very-secret crush on. He turned to ask Rainbow Blitz, "Where's everypony else? I don't see any more sky chariots inbound."

Blitz shrugged. "You're askin' the wrong pony, Dusky-colt." he said and then gestured at the open portcullis leading into the castle, "Maybe they're already here? Didn't Rarity and Elusive open some fancy-rags shop in Canterlot?"

Dusk snorted a laugh and said, "Don't let them hear you call it that."

Blitz rolled his eyes and grinned. "Duuuh…"

"Squires of Harmony!" a clipped feminine voice called from the entrance. "If I could have your attention please?" Raven Inkwell trotted up, adjusted her glasses, and checked her clipboard while she waited for the Squires to gather around. "I need to do roll call before I escort you to the Sovereigns. Ahem. Applejack?"

"Present!" Applejack waved a hoof.

Raven checked her list and asked, "Umm… Applejack?"

Applejack shook her head and sighed. "Ah jus' said that ah'm here, didn' ah?"

Raven looked pointedly at Applejack's brother and tried again. "A… Applejack?"

"Consarn it!" Applejack pushed her hat up and grouched, "T'aint that hard! Ah'm Applejack and mah brother's Applejack."

Raven cleared her throat and asked, "Apple… JACK?!"

"Eeeyup."

A sextet of Squires followed Raven through the gorgeous halls of Canterlot. Aside from echoes of their hoofsteps, it was strangely quiet despite an extra helping of Royal Guards standing posts.

Most days there were dozens of ponies trotting about, performing tasks menial and critical to keep Equestria's government running smoothly. Today, no line of nobles and commoners waited for an audience. No tour groups were led around by guides to enjoy the spectacular sights and learn trivia about the carpets, stained glass windows, and Canterlot's royals. Even the traditional gaggles of giggling maids in frilly frocks were absent.

The palace was hushed. Hunkered down. Waiting.

Dusk Shine, ever the curious colt, trotted beside Raven and peppered her with questions.

"Are the Squires of Generosity and Laughter here already?"

Raven quickly consulted her clipboard and nodded, making her black mane bob. "Yes, Rarity and Elusive were at their Canterlot Carousel and arrived quickly when summoned. Bubble Berry and Pinkie Pie showed up out of the pink an hour ago, claiming they had to set up for 'the party'."

"Party?"

"Mhmm."

Dusk snorted and asked, "Is that why the Sovereigns summoned all of us? A party?"

Raven waved to the brace of guards standing by the entrance to the Throne Room. They snapped to attention and a pair quickly pushed the doors wide open. Turning back to Dusk Shine, she shook her head and said, "No. Something is wrong! I've never seen all the Sovereigns this upset before."

Rainbow Dash butted in and yelped, "All of them?! As in aaaall of the Sovereigns of Harmony are in Canterlot and they're freaking out?"

"Yes, all present and accounted for."

Twilight groaned.

"And while I wish I could say that they're not 'freaking out'…" Raven glanced around to make sure nopony would overheard and stage whispered, "They're freaking out."

Dusk Shine slowed a little until he was walking next to Twilight. He bumped shoulders with his obviously depressed sister and murmured, "Cheer up, sis. If all of the Sovereigns are in town then you can bet that Shiny and Gleam are here too. You can hang out with them while I deal with the Sovereigns of Magic, if you're not up to it."

Twilight grouched, "I'm never 'up to it' where Trixie is concerned."

"Why do you let her get under your fur?"

"She's just so… so… pompous! And the magic she's so proud of is just slight-of-hoof, and glitz and glam." Twilight's ears wiggled in irritation. "I don't know where we'd be if Princess Celestia hadn't taken pity and enrolled us in her school instead of letting the Sovereigns of 'Maaagic' drag us all over the world with that circus they call a Royal Court."

Dusk chuckled and bumped his sister's shoulder again. "That's true, but you have to admit that Princess Trixie is kind of hot."

"Eww! Dusky! No! Just… Ew!"

He couldn't help but laugh at his sister's tongue-hanging expression of extreme disgust. He was pulling her leg… mostly. Trixie was far from his favourite, but there was something undeniably alluring about any alicorn's flanks.

"I hear somepony laughing!"

Dusk's chortles cut off with an awkward hiccough.

They were halfway across the Throne Room, heading towards the four unoccupied golden thrones of Canterlot's reigning sovereigns, when Pinkie Pie's battle cry rang out overhead.

"Wheeeeeee hee hee hee heeee!"

She swung down to the marble floor on a long paper streamer that was far too thin to actually support such a pleasantly plump party pony. Somehow, she made it work. Skidding to a halt in front of a very surprised Raven, she scooped up the secretary in her forelegs and pranced in a circle while singing.

♫ It's party-time in Canterlot,
After we save the woooorld!
We'll zap and smash,
And have a laugh,
Then dance and sing and twiiirl!
Wooohooo! ♫

At the end of her song she spun Raven away on one of her hind hooves while confetti and streamers burst out from behind a nearby pillar. Raven whirled around, flailing her limbs for a moment before collapsing onto her belly and skidding to a stop on the polished marble floor.

Predictably, the Rainbow twins were cackling and slapping one another's shoulders while Twilight fumed and stalked over to Pinkie Pie.

"Pinkie! We don't have time for silliness right now! Something awful has happened and-"

"But Twiiiliiight! That's the most bestest time for sillinesses!" Pinkie Pie grinned and squeezed a bicycle horn between her hooves, making a 'honk honk' sound.

Twilight gently pushed the horn away from her face and grimaced. "No, Pinkie. It really isn't." She glanced around apprehensively and asked, "Where's Bubble?"

"Oh, he's busy putting a smile on Sable Inkpot's sourpuss muzzle", Pinkie said while shaking her head. "We've never seen so many grumpy pony pants in the palace before! You'd think the universe was imploding or something."

Butterscotch helped poor, dizzy Raven get back onto her hooves while his twin sister dusted confetti off of her with a wing. Raven groaned and asked, "D-did you say Bubble is assaulting my brother again?"

Pinkie nodded happily and chirped, "Uh-huh! The full Personal Party Package with Happy Ending™! If Inkpot isn't smiling after that, ain't nothing going to cheer him up."

Raven's pupils shrank to pinpoints and she breathed, "Oh dear", before galloping out of the Throne Room to rescue her sibling.

Twilight face-hooved so hard she would have fallen over if Dusk Shine hadn't propped her up. In a voice thick with emotional and physical pain she whined, "Pinkiiie! Raven was taking us to the Sovereigns!"

"Oh! I know where they are, silly."

Dusk cleared his throat and asked in his best reasoning-with-the-insane tone, "Can you take us to them? Please?"

Pinkie saluted and chirped, "Okie-dokie-lokie!" She bounded up onto her hooves and bounced through a tall door to the left of four ominously unoccupied thrones.

Author's Note

Here we go!

I hope you'll enjoy reading as much as I have writing. Please PM me if you spot a typo. :twilightsmile:

2 - Squires, Ship Out!

Pinkie bounced along like a pile of rubber snakes while humming cheerfully, and she seemed to be leading them directly where they needed to go. No hide-and-seek games. No haring off to give a harried housekeeper a hug and a cupcake. Not even a minor twitchy tail panic. Dusk and Twilight shared a series of looks that, if translated from glances, raised-eyebrows, and ear flicks, would have gone something like:

'Are you seeing what I'm seeing?'

'That Pinkie's off her game?'

'Yeah. This is going to suck isn't it?'

'It's going to suck like a hydra.'

'Yuck!'

Dusk's dangling tongue-of-disgust slurped back into his muzzle in surprise as a brightly pink pony wrapped his forelegs around his and Twilight's shoulders. Bubble Berry's dexterous hooves snapped conical, glittery party hats onto their heads.

"Hiiii, Twily and Duskily!" He squeaked happily and hugged both of them close, squeezing their cheeks up against his before letting them go. "How're my bestest bibliobibuli buddies doin' today?"

Dusky coughed and said, "Uhh… I'm fine, Bubble. Just your typical 'saving Equestria' kind of day, you know?"

"Uh huh! I hear ya, bro." Bubble nodded and pronked along with the them.

Twilight coughed and said, "Bubble… I think you have a bit of, uh, frosting on your nose there."

"Oh! Oops!" Bubble's extremely long and agile tongue slurped out and licked the stray blob of what Twilight desperately hoped was vanilla creme off of his snoot.

Bubble pouted. "I was just frosting Inkpot's cupcake when his sister rudely interrupted. Oh well… no Happy Ending™ but it was still a great party! He even smiled! Or grimaced… His face did something kind of smile-like so I'm gonna count that as another successful part-aaaay!"

Twilight shuddered and silently prayed that Princess Luna would help her deal with the sticky nightmares she would no doubt be having tonight. To distract herself, she glanced around and noticed the path Pinkie was leading them seemed familiar. She whispered to Dusk, "Observatory?"

"Seems like it. I wonder why the Sovereigns are gathering us there?"

Twilight hummed and hypothesised. "Perhaps there's a magical meteor swarm that'll cause monsters to rise up and threaten Canterlot?"

He laughed. "Don't be ridiculous. That was last week."

"Oh yeah…"

The Starswirl & Skywhorl Memorial Observatory squatted atop one of the highest towers in Canterlot, necessitating trotting up (and strangely, down) quite a few stairs. The last spiral staircase wound past niches containing marble busts of ponykind's most accomplished star oglers: Ptoleneigh, Clopernicouscous, Garlic Leo. Dusk's tension eased, his lips quirked in a little smile. He'd come here almost every night as a colt, with a flask of hot cocoa and Twi by his side, both eager to explore the cosmos.

Waiting at the top was a scene that squelched happy foalhood memories.

The huge main telescope, as big as a train carriage, was retracted all the way to the shuttered dome high overhead. It hung like a polished brass cloud over a doughnut-shaped conference table moved into the cleared space at the centre of the Observatory's floor. Wrinkled professors wearing tweed jackets with patches on the knees and nerdy students in lab coats were displaced by the regal Sovereigns of Harmony, who sat round the table silently observing the Squire's arrival.

"Here ya go!"

Dusk started as Bubble shoved a party horn covered in glittering wrapping paper into his face, along with the string of a bright red balloon.

"One regulation party horn, balloon, and-" Bubble adjusted the silly hat on Dusk's head "-one regulation cap-o-victory!"

Dusk caught the balloon and horn with a glow from his built-in horn. "What's all this for?"

"For when we save the world, silly", was Bubble's winking reply.

The pink twins girded everypony's loins with silly party favours, produced from a sack left at the top of the stairs. Ignoring the precondition of actually saving the world first, Rainbow Dash and Blitz had a great time smacking each other in the face with the paper coils of their party horns. Wailing, discordant party favour honks announced their entrance - much to Discord and Eris' delight.

Twilight cringed as a pale blue alicorn sitting at the table waved a commanding hoof in the air. "Squire Twilight Sparkle! Squire Dusk Shine! It's about time. The Great and Powerful Princess Trixie-"

"And me!"

"Yes, yes." Without looking, Princess Trixie placed a hoof over her brother's muzzle and continued to wave. "And the High-and-Mighty Prince Hocus Pocus. We have saved you seats! Are We not the most gracious, the most thoughtful, the most resourceful and benevolent of monarchs?"

Twilight teeth ground together and with her head hanging low she slunk over to the cushion beside her assigned Sovereign, and reluctantly sat. She'd never gotten along with Trixie, who had become even more insufferable after somehow acquiring wings. Twilight was convinced that she'd paid a down-on-their-luck organ 'donor' and had them sewn on in some seedy back-alley clinic. After all, you could buy anything in Manehattan.

Anything!

Dusk had it easier since Hocus Pocus had at least a tiny shred of humility lurking somewhere behind a slick layer of showponyship and hair gel.

Doing her best to tune out 'Princess' Trixie's self-aggrandising monologue, Twilight watched the other Squires find seats with their respective Sovereigns:

Applejack and Applejack with the Sovereigns of Honesty, Princess Celestia and Prince Solaris. Their Sun's beneficent rays brought life to all green and growing things, so it unfortunately made sense for earth-aligned ponies to squire to them. Oh how Twilight wished she were assigned to the Element of Honesty instead of Magic! She dearly loved magic, but Celestia was a princess worth looking up to!

And up.

And up.

Sooo much graceful neck…

Pinkie Pie and Bubble Berry writhed in a disturbingly sexual snuggle-huggle pile of pink fur and snake-like bodies. Discord and Eris, who didn't care for titles, were the only non-alicorn Sovereigns. Thank the bloody stars for that!

Squires Rarity and Elusive were already present, sharing high tea with Prince Sombra and Princess Umbra. Their stark white and dark grey hides softened and warmed by elegant blazers and dresses - no doubt designed and tailored by the fashionista twins. All four looked somewhat offended as they nibbled petit fours and tried to ignore the wriggly-giggly mess of mismatched limbs beside them.

Fluttershy and Butterscotch huddled with Princess Cadence and Prince Tempo. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Twilight's B.S.B.F.F.'s (Big Siblings Best Friends Forever), who must be keeping the Empire's thrones warm.

The Rainbow twins calmed down a little as they joined the solemn Princess Luna and Prince Artemis. Blitz got one last blast in with his party horn, smacking Dash on her rump. Twilight shook her head and frowned - Blitz had an unhealthy obsession with his sister's backside. Perhaps that was why, more often than not, he ended up trailing behind her during their never-ending races? Gross.

And of course Twilight was stuck sitting on Princess Trixie's right hoof, Prince Hocus Pocus sat on Trixie's left and Dusk sat between Hocus Pocus and Squire Applejack - the mare half of that confusing but very traditionally named pair. Stallion AJ was three more seats away, and with her thinks-highly-of-herself-ness in the way, Twilight couldn't even sneak peeks at his muscular and scruffy hotness.

She bit her lip and daydreamed of dirty, filthy unshorn fetlocks.

Princess Celestia, Chair Pony of the Sovereigns, rapped one of her hooves on the table and rose to address everypony. It took a few moments for quiet to settle and for the Elements of Laughter to disentangle and curl up on their own seating cushions.

"Sovereigns and Squires of Harmony! Thank you all for coming so quickly."

She had to pause for Bubble Berry's sotto voce, "Snrk! She said 'coming'!"

Celestia smiled indulgently as several ponies (and other things) snickered, before continuing. "We have summoned a full quorum today to discuss grave news of a threat to Equestria - indeed to reality as we know it. I ask that you listen carefully to what Princess Luna and Prince Artemis have discovered. Afterwards we will plan how to respond to this impending crisis."

Princess Luna's moon rose as Celestia's sunny rump sank to her cushion. She waved a hoof towards the hole in the table's centre, and a transparent glowing illusion appeared. It looked something like a star map - a three-dimensional scattering of glowing motes, spread thin in some areas, clustered into tight clumps in others. A topology which reminded Twilight of bath sponges she'd dissected as a little filly. But the lumpy, cratered mass with weird lobes hanging off didn't chart any part of the sky that Twilight knew of.

"Behold!" declared Luna, "A map my brother and I contrived, depicting our known Multiverse."

Dusk waved a hoof to catch Twilight's eye. She leaned past Trixie's swollen bulk and they shared matching road-apple-eating grins of delight! Twilight was practically squeeing where she sat! They'd pestered Princess Luna for months to let them investigate this whole 'multiverse' phenomena. Ever since the confusing incidents with Starswirl's mirror and the freakish bipedal creatures who lived on the other side. It must have taken mountains of collected data to produce this map! They drooled over visions of blissfully delving deep into the nature of reality, and publishing reams of calculations and theories.

Prince Artemis stood and in a deep, resonant voice he continued the presentation. "Please note that the three dimensions of our map are not Eweclidian geometry. What you see here as 'Width' is actually the 'Strange' dimension; 'Height' is 'Genre'; and 'Depth' is 'Ship'. There are many other dimensions to the Multiverse but these three are the most relevant."

Dusk held up a hoof and Princess Luna nodded to him.

"Where are we on this map, Your Highness?"

Luna's horn flared and a large red arrow appeared, pointing down at a glowing mote on the skin of one of the distended lobes sticking out of the main mass of the map. "THOU ART HERE" written in red-glowing text appeared beneath.

A wave of her hoof set the map to slowly rotating as Princess Luna said, "We find ourselves in one of the outlying limbs of the Multiverse, surrounded by equally unusual examples of universes. We are most pleased by our unique individuality in a vast uncountable sea of bland sameness. Even though it be the crux of our problem."

The Sovereigns of Loyalty paused for a dramatic moment to let that sink in.

Expressions around the large table ranged from confusion (the Apple twins) to fear (Rarity, Elusive, Butterscotch, and Fluttershy) back to confusion again (Pinkie and Bubble), and finally to boredom (the Rainbow twins, of course). The only Squires really eager to learn more were Twilight and Dusk. Having already seen this presentation, the Sovereigns of Harmony merely sat and observed their Squire's reactions.

Seeking a little audience participation Princess Luna asked, "What do you Squires know of 'Domino Theory'?"

Pinkie Pie waved a hoof in the air and shouted, "Oh! Oh! That's when you have to go sit in the corner with a pointy hat on your head if there's no tiles left in the boneyard!"

Snorting derisively, Elusive said, "Pinkie, darling. If there are no tiles in the boneyard you just pass. There are no silly punishments while one is playing dominoes."

"There are if you're playing with me!"

Elusive rolled his eyes and snarked, "I should think playing dominoes with you would be punishment enough."

Sensing that things were getting out-of-hoof, Prince Artemis cleared his throat loudly and spoke over top of the arguing Squires. "'Domino Theory' comes from the foal's game of lining up dominoes, knocking one over and setting off a chain reaction that knocks down all of the domino tiles." He gestured at the map and two of the motes of light in the bulge that contained their own universe winked out. "A domino has fallen in our corner of the Multiverse."

Dusk Shine gasped loudly and asked, "W-what happened to them?"

Princess Luna said, "It appears that two of our fellow 'unique' universes annihilated one another when their 'Ship' dimensions became perfectly aligned. Based on our readings they were almost polar opposites in several other dimensions, so when they collided…" She sat up and clapped her fore hooves together to make a mighty clop that resounded in the Observatory, making its shutters rattle.

In the flat-eared silence that followed, Prince Artemis gestured at the map again and as he spoke, additional motes began to wink out. "The ripple of that catastrophe is causing nearby universes to collapse. Each of which is sending out another ripple of instability, hence my reference to the Domino Theory. We have two days at most before the ripples reach our own universe, but we may have less time than that in which to save ourselves or-" he couldn't help pausing dramatically before intoning "-to prepare for our doom."

Both of the Sovereigns of Loyalty sat and a leaden, moribund hush descended over the room. Broken only by Rainbow Dash's surprisingly quiet snores.

Elusive briefly thought about prodding her awake, but decided it was better if she slept through the eggheads figuring out who's rump needed kicking.

Better for her and everypony else.

Princess Celestia gracefully rose and her usually warm and soothing voice carried a note of pain. "Thank you, dear brother and sister. I am very sorry to have called all of you here to receive such terrible news." She sighed and gestured around the table. "We Sovereigns have discussed how to best deal with this looming catastrophe and have come to no useful conclusions. That is why we have summoned all of you Squires, in hope that a fresh set of younger minds may see a way forwards where we have failed. I will go around the room now and if you have any suggestions, no matter how foalish you may believe them to be, please speak up." Celestia turned to smile at each of the Apple twins and asked, "Do you have anything you wish to say Applejack or Applejack?"

Her pronunciation of their names was subtle and perfect, of course.

Applejack shyly ducked down and hid beneath his hat. "Eeeeeeeeeeh… nope."

"Well…" Applejack scratched her mane, settled her hat back in place, and said, "Ah recon we'd all jus' better hunker down an' hope fer the best. Maybe drink a few rounds and kiss our be-hinds g'bye."

Honest answers, but not particularly helpful ones.

Celestia nodded and waved an encouraging hoof to the Elements of Laughter to speak up, though everypony had to wait a few moments for Bubble to stop laughing. It wasn't his fault really, Eris had been tickling his ears with her tail tip.

"Psst! Prince Artemis!"

Artemis leaned past a sleepy looking Rainbow Blitz so that Twilight could whisper in his ear.

"May Dusk and I use your map? We've had an idea but we need to examine your data to refine our hypotheses."

Receiving a request directly from another sovereign's Squire wasn't strictly to protocol, but Artemis was well aware of Twilight's difficult relationship with Princess Trixie - who was too busy checking that her mascara was perfect with a little hoofmirror to even notice Twilight's infraction. He shrugged and whispered back, "Most certainly, Squire Twilight. Please use it as you will and know that I look forward to your pulling our tails from the fire once more."

Twilight blushed with pleasure at Prince Artemis' appreciation for her hard work… and Dusk's as well, of course. She stood up and trotted behind the Sovereigns of Magic's backs to Dusk's seat and together they began rapidly manipulating the map and taking notes. Heads together, whispering rapidly back and forth, they were soon lost in their own nerdy world of dimensional-physics, math, and magic.

The only world that made sense!

Pinkie Pie finished her little song and dance number with a "ta-dah" and a grin.

Discord and Eris applauded and whistled while Bubble Berry took a bow and tucked away his harmonica and accordion. Rarity, Elusive, and the Sovereigns of Generosity also applauded, but for mere politeness sake.

Celestia cleared her throat and said, "Umm… that was a lovely performance. But I am afraid I do not understand your idea."

Pinkie threw her hooves in the air and gleefully cried, "Once more from the top!"

"No! No… Please." Princess Celestia winced, then looked slightly guilty as she explained, "We are short on time, so if you would not mind summarising…?"

Bubble pouted, but tucked his musical instruments back into his frizzy mane and said, "We were thinking maybe just use Discord and Eris' crazy magical weirdness and zap the evil shocked wave fronts to turn 'em into cupcakes. Or chocolate, maybe? Mmm… waves of chocolate…"

Eris waggled a finger at Celestia and purred, "Now, now, Tia. You did say any foalish idea, didn't you?"

"Unfortunately, my delightfully pink friend-" Discord said while giving Bubble a hug and head noogie "-our chaos powers don't work in the… I guess you could call it a 'space' between universes. We could open portals to other universes and save a few hundred ponies." He chuckled in a slightly mad way. "Leading a band of interspatial hobos could be amusing, if we-"

Applejack interrupted loudly, "No way! No how! If'n Sweet Apple Acres is doomed then ah'm doomed raight along with it. Ain't that right, AJ?"

"Eeyup!"

"Ah know fer a fact that Big Mac, Macarena, Apple Bloom, Applebuck, and the grandfolk'd all rather stick with the land and take whatever lumps is comin' our way." Having said her piece, Applejack sat back with her forelegs folded and a grumpy frown-of-finality on her muzzle.

Celestia nodded her approval and quietly said, "I believe that most of my little ponies would feel the same way about abandoning our universe. But thank you for the offer, Discord." She waved to the Elements of Generosity and asked, "Do you have any ideas you would like to share, Squires Rarity and Elusive?"

Elusive closed his eyes and swallowed heavily to try and clear his nausea from watching Dusk and Twilight spinning and zooming the Multiverse map. He coughed and said, "Umm… is there a shield spell we could cast to protect us? Like the one that was used over the Crystal Empire when my Sovereigns were saved from Disharmony?"

Prince Sombra muttered something that might have been "Crystalsss" as he sipped from delicate tea cup. Princess Umbra frowned and smacked him on the back of the head.

Princess Cadence shook her head and said, "I'm afraid the Crystal Heart lacks sufficient power to protect even a tiny portion of Equestria if that were even an option. This disaster isn't something from within our universe. It will undo our past as well as our present, meaning that any spell or artifact we have will never have existed to be used."

Squire Rarity moaned, "Oh, this is simply dreadful! I was going to suggest we use the Elements of Harmony but it sounds as if they would be undone before we would even have the opportunity to use them."

"I am afraid that would be the case, yes." Princess Celestia sighed and waved a hoof to the Squires of Loyalty.

Rainbow Dash's contribution consisted of a snorty-snore and a quiet toot that fluttered her rainbow tail. Blitz shrugged and said, "I vote for Applejack's plan of guzzling cider and ass kissing."

Princess Celestia honestly hadn't expected anything more but still nodded graciously and smiled, before turned to see what the Great Lavender Hopes had gotten up to while she had killed time letting the other Squires have their say.

Dusk jabbed at one of his calculations with a hoof and whispered, "Yes! See, Twily. If we can adjust it strangewards by negative eighty five degrees then we should-"

"Eighty five degrees?! How in Equestria are going to-"

"Hello, Squires Twilight and Dusk? Do you have any suggestions for how to save our universe?"

Dusk and Twilight both blinked up at Celestia with the cutest owl-like expressions as she interrupted. Dusk Shine coughed behind a polite hoof held to his muzzle and said, "Actually, I think we do."

Prince Hocus Pocus jabbed his sister in the side with an elbow and hissed, "Tixie! They've done it again. Time for a Grand Announcement!" Princess Trixie's glare at Hocus for messing her mascara application quickly shifted into glee as she leapt to her hind legs and made a grand gesture that sent a volley of tasteless fireworks shooting around the Observatory.

"Hear me everypony! The Great and Powerful PrincessTrixie-"

"And me!"

"-andtheWise&WhateverHocusPocus, have a grand announcement! Our very own dear Squires, our precious underlings, our adequate students in all things magical have…" She glanced at Hocus Pocus and stage whispered, "What've they done this time?"

He leapt up and waved his hooves in a trying-to-stay-balanced-on-my-hind-legs and not-terribly-grand way and declared, "I don't knooow! But it's amazing and important and I'm sure they'll tell us all about it!" He caught his breath and shouted, "Ta-dah!" A single little firecracker popped as sad punctuation.

Princess Trixie groaned in embarrassment. She quickly sat, pulling her brother back down onto his cushion and furiously whispered, "See! This is why Trixie doesn't let you tread upon the Royal Stage anymore! You're always fluffing your lines!"

"I think it went pretty well." Hocus pouted.

Princess Celestia peeked out from behind the hoof she had pressed to her forehead to check if the Sovereigns of Magic had finished. She smiled encouragingly to Dusk and Twilight and said, "Please tell us what you have found, Twilight and Dusk." Before they could get started she remembered to lean in and whisper, "And keep it simple, please." Her eye roll at the Rainbow twins was not lost on Dusk and Twilight, who both nodded.

Being old hooves at making presentations together, Dusk took control of the Multiverse map while Twilight cleared her throat and stepped out onto the tabletop so she could more easily point to the map's features.

"When Princess Luna and Prince Artemis showed us the map, I noticed these crater-like features here-" she pointed at a spot on the map that Dusk zoomed in on "-and here." The map rotated and she pointed out another, larger crater in the main mass of the Multiverse.

"Dusk and I think these are scars from previous Domino Effect collapses of branches of highly divergent universes, much like the one we are part of."

Rainbow Blitz raised a hoof, "What's a highly dye… die… di-thingy uni… thing?"

Dusk replied, "'Highly divergent' means a universe that is strange, unusual, or just plain bizarre relative to an average sample of the other universes." He wished he'd brought A Basic Treatise on Belle's Curves with him. The erotic pictures might hold Blitz' attention long enough for the rock-headed pegasus to learn something.

With a nod Twilight continued, "From this evidence we concluded that this kind of destructive event has happened in the past, and they haven't destroyed the entire Multiverse. It seems that the closer a given universe is to the main body, the greater its resilience to the wavefront of distortion propagating through the interversal braynes."

"Whut?"

Seeing Applejack's blank look echoed on everypony's faces, Dusk jumped in with another simplification. "They're less likely to go 'pop'."

"Well a'right, then."

Twilight's eye twitched. "R-right… No go 'pop'." She shook her head and marefully carried on. "So what we need to do to save our universe-" Twilight pointed to the 'THOU ART HERE' arrow "-is move it out of this branch and closer to the main body of the Multiverse." Her hoof tip swept down in a straight line until it touched the bright, shimmering core at the middle of the map.

You could have heard a pin drop. If not for the pegasus mare quietly snoring at Twilight's hooves.

"Umm… I… I have a question, if, if it's okay?"

Twilight turned to face Butterscotch and nodded, "Sure. What do you want to know?"

He lowered his hoof and glanced at his sister as she tried to nose up one of Princess Cadence's wings to hide under. "Well, um, actually it's Shy-Shy's question. So… umm…"

Twilight knew how difficult it was for either of the Squires of Kindness to even speak in public, let alone say anything that might even possibly offend somepony. So she spoke in a quiet, friendly voice that she might use to coax a kitten out from under a couch. "It's okay, Butterscotch, there are no bad questions and I'll do my very best to answer you and Fluttershy. Okay?"

Butterscotch nodded and gathered his courage, hugged himself with his wings and asked, "How? Umm… I mean, how do we m-move a whole universe?"

"He's… or she's, gotta point there, shugar cube. Ain't like we can hitch up a heap-o-ponies to a tree and drag the whole of Equestria 'round." Applejack spoke with the authority of a mare who had tried.

Twilight nodded and turned to address her brother. "I established that we need to move but you came up with how we might do it. Do you want to tell them?"

Dusk squirmed in his seat. He pouted and said, "I guess, if I have to."

Poor Dusk had less experience with public speaking and Twilight waved a hoof to encourage him to get up onto the table. He'd never improve if he didn't practice. He hesitated, but eventually clambered up onto the table and started walking towards the map - but turned to quickly snatch up a few pages of notes to hang onto, a bit like a comforting blanket. He settled on his haunches near the map, glanced at his notes, coughed and said, "W-well… You have to keep in mind that this map-" He waved a hoof through the core of the Multiverse, making it blur for a moment. "Oops! Uh, this map isn't showing real width, height and so on. There are couple of dozen dimensions-"

"Twenty seven. That we know of." Twilight interrupted before she could stop herself. Her dislike of inaccuracies overwhelming her desire to see her brother getting some lecturing practice.

Dusk nodded and continued, "Yes. Twenty seven dimensions, at least. Thank you, Twily. Anyway, the universes are kind of fixed in place on most of these dimensions but on a few of them they move around. From what we read in Prince Artemis and Princess Luna's data, most of that quantised flux is random, but some is caused by events taking place within a universe. O-or cause events to occur in a universe. Or maybe they're really the same thing?" He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, "We're still figuring that out, but for now we can assume it's events within a universe affecting its motion. Umm…"

He reached out to roll the map's timeline back to just before where Luna had shown them the first 'Domino' fall and he zoomed it in so the two ex-universes filled the area over the table.

"See, these two universes moved along their 'Ship' dimension, collided, and imploded."

Dusk Shine pointed at the two enlarged motes as he shuffled the timeline backwards and forwards. "See how their Ship vectors accelerate so dramatically? This only took a few seconds. And do you know what moved them so quickly? Ponies. Or something a lot like ponies. We don't know exactly who or what was living there but as they were our neighbours it was probably ponies."

"It's ponies all the way down."

Every pony and draconequus turned to stare at Pinkie Pie.

"What? Our Gramgram used to say that all the time. Anyway, I have a question." Belatedly she raised a hoof into the air and waved it around.

Dusk shook his head at the typical pink nonsense and said, "Umm… Rrright, so, what's your question?"

"How do ponies that are teeny-weeny, itty-bitty, little-bittle, tiny-winy things move something big like - I don't know - a whole everything?"

Dusk waved a hoof in Twilight's direction as he replied, "It was Twily who helped me calculate that with the data on hoof. In Grokking the Multiverse the author speculates that what she called the 'Ship' vector corresponds to the relationships of everypony in that universe. 'Ship'. 'Relationship'. Get it?"

Pinkie grinned, nodded her fluffy head, and eagerly chirped, "Nope! I don't got it."

Applejack chimed in and asked, "So, what yer jawin' about is that if'n somepony's-" she raised her hooves in the air and made quote signs "-'relationship' changes it pushes the universe 'round?"

Dusk nodded and pointed at AJ. "Precisely that, yes!"

"While I'll be… Gives a whole new meanin' to rockin' somepony's world now, don't it?"

Princess Cadence gasped and shouted, "Holy Tartarus, that is AMAZEBALLS!" Visions of driving the universe around with arranged relationships danced in her head. Eyes glazing over, she mimed hoofing a steering wheel and made 'brum brum' sounds.

Her outburst seemed to break the tense atmosphere (of Rainbow Dash's flatulence) and suddenly everypony started talking. The general consensus was that Twilight and Dusk should be praised for their idea, but it was a narrow margin between that and having them locked away for everypony's safety. Prince Sombra was particularly adamant about the locking up, but Umbra had the deciding vote and couldn't pass up the opportunity to tweak her brother's muzzle.

After a short recess for tea, pastries, and trips to the little colts and fillies rooms, Princess Celestia rapped one of her hooves on the table.

"Alright, everypony. Calmly, please. Everypony take your seats and we will- Has anypony seen the Squires of Kindness?"

Princess Cadence blushed and raised her wings to reveal a yellow pegasi on each side, cuddled up like chicks. She gave them gentle nudges to go back to their own cushions.

Celestia smiled and gently cleared her throat. "Ahem. Well then. Let us pick up where we left off, shall we? I believe we have the start of a solution, but the question is this: how may we effectively use pony relationships to save our universe?"

Applejack pushed her hat back and cheerfully said, "Well, the answer's obvious ain't it? Round up all the unwed ponies, get 'em liquored up on apple brandy, an' let nature take its course!"

There was a chorus of laughter, snickers, polite titters, and guffaws. But Dusk Shine leaped to his hooves and shouted, "No! No, that's the worst possible thing we could do! That could be worse than doing nothing."

Applejack quieted down and turned her half lidded gaze on Dusk. Something that in ordinary circumstances might have caused him a confusing quiver of excitement.

"Y'all better explain that, shugar cube."

After catching his breath Dusk replied, "Random relationship…ing would cause random Ship vectors. We could end up not moving at all or worse it might push us into an expanding distortion wavefront. No, what we need is carefully determined, controlled, and monitored relationshiping."

"Y'mean like arranged marryin'?"

"Yyyes… Any relationship activity really - dating, marriage, the… things… that married ponies d-do." Dusk blushed and his voice cracked. "That… T-that kind of thing. Umm… Twily? Can you tell them the rest?"

"Hmm? What?" Blinking as she looked up from furiously re-checking a series of calculations on a long scroll it took a moment for her language neurons to process what had been said. Twilight nodded and stepped up onto the table once again. Dusk had been brave enough for one day and this lecture was going to be a doozy!

Putting on her brave face she took a deep breath, glanced over at Princess Celestia's lovely serene expression and said, "As my brother discussed, random relationships would likely not get us anywhere and could very well make things much worse." Her horn glowed, causing the Multiverse map to rotate and zoom out. With a hoof she pointed to the densest portion of the Multiverse core. "What we need is to move our universe to mingle with these ones. That's where we'll be the safest. So Dusk and I studied the data on a random sample of these universes."

Princess Luna interrupted and said, "We only performed a very quick survey with a very low fidelity. Yet you could see enough to examine each universe in detail?"

Slumping over the table at Luna's side, Rainbow Dash lost the battle to keep her heavy eyelids open.

"Yes, actually. The results are not granular but it seems like the Multiverse's structure is very sensitive to variations in Ship."

Luna nodded and waved a hoof for Twilight to continue.

"Well… Dusk and I compared your readings for a small random sample of universes around what we're calling 'The Core'. We found a direct correlation between Ship measurements and the Elements of Harmony. From that we made a list of ponies whose relationships we can use to move our universe and the good news is that these ponies do exist in our universe." Twilight paused there and looked around the circular table to see how everypony was reacting so far.

Princess Cadence smiled and said, "Twily, when somepony says 'the good news is' that means that there's bad news as well. So, out with it, little bug. What's the bad news?"

Twilight scuffed her hooves on the table top and looked down at them. "Umm… Well, these particularly important pones… They're…"

Rainbow Blitz flared his wings angrily and shouted, "Oh for Celestia's sake, spit it out already!" Dash jerked awake and glared at her brother.

Princess Celestia chuckled. "Yes, for my sake please tell us, Squire Twilight."

Twilight lips curled in lopsided, nervous smile and she quietly said, "It's us."

Applejacks' brows furrowed and she asked, "Whut? You an' Dusk Shine?"

"No! I… I mean, yes. Kind of. It's us." Twilight waved a hoof in a circle that took in everypony sitting around the table. "All of us."

Around the table voices were suddenly raised to express concerns and ask questions. Princess Celestia's polite but firm hoof raps eventually calmed everypony down and quiet returned in the echoing Observatory.

Dusk coughed, held up a hoof and said, "A-actually, it's not every pony present and there are a few others who aren't here. But they're much less… I suppose, 'potent' is the best word for it."

Twilight grinned and felt a bust of pride and affection for her brother. This was his very first time correcting her when she was lecturing! She wished this moment would last forever, but she had a presentation to finish and a universe that needed saving.

"Dusk?"

He smiled crookedly and apologised, "Oops… sorry, Twily. Didn't mean to-"

She waved a hoof to shush him and asked, "Did you finish the relationships chart? Could you hoof out copies of it to everypony?"

He nodded and his horn glowed, raising up a sheet of paper from their morass of notes and empty coffee mugs. He cast a duplication spell on it and a bar of light slid down the hovering page, from top to bottom with a 'zzzhrup' sound followed by a bright 'ping' as a duplicate burst into existence. He repeated the spell while Twilight caught each new page with her magic and walked around the table giving each Sovereign and Squire a copy. She had to shake Rainbow Dash's shoulder a few times to wake her up.

Dash rubbed one of her eyes while giving the chart a confused and wary look. "Uhhh… What the hay is this, Twilight?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Not that she wasn't going to explain it anyway, but it was important to encourage audience participation - according to Gift O'Gab's How To Slay 'Em: Offencive Thinkology for Meetings.

Twilight waved her own copy of the chart over her head and pointed to it. "When we surveyed the Core universes we found out that all of us Squires are nexii of relationships within those universes. The lines between our cutie marks indicate that we detected that relationship in a universe and if our pet theory is correct it also indicates which relationships have the greatest potential for moving our own universe into closer proximity to the Core."

Pausing to catch her breath, Twilight looked around the table to see if everypony was following along. She hoped the visual aid (a Material Component recommended by Gift O'Gab) was making it clear. Most of the Sovereigns seemed to be keeping up, except for Discord and Eris who had gotten bored and were having a transformation battle - turning each other into different kinds of fruit-based creatures. The Sovereigns of Magic weren't paying attention either but Twilight hadn't really expected them to, so no loss there.

Pinkie and Bubble were wearing folded paper hats and shouting 'gyarr' at one another. Twilight narrowed her eyes at them and snorted in irritation. Turning perfectly good charts into hats was… just like them actually. Moving on, Elusive and Rarity were both puzzling over the chart and whispering, probably about how gauche the crude brush stroke rendition of their cutie mark looked. Fluttershy was looking strangely enthusiastic and excited while her brother hid under one of Princess Cadence's wings. Rainbow Blitz was polishing his hooves and Dash was yawning and struggling to stay awake. Dusk was busy working through another series of calculations and the Apple twins…

Applejack cleared her throat and poked a hoof at her copy of the chart. "Okay, shugar cube. Ah get whut ya mean 'bout how alla us are real important on account of how we're all busy hitchin' up with one another in other universes an' all. But don't you an' Dusky there already got pet owls?"

Twilight was nonplussed.

She had no plusses to give.

"Wat."

"Owls, Twilight!" Applejack exclaimed while angrily shaking a hoof. "Now ah know we got other critters down on the farm but they ain't no pets. No more'n Spike an' Barb is pets. So if'n you n your brother are tryin' to get a leg up on the rest of us by makin' extra pets outta these here 'treerees' ah gotta say, that's lower than a cragodile's tailhole. Pardon mah Fancy."

Twilight pressed a hock over her eyes and groaned loudly.

"Umm… Applejack", said Dusk. "A 'pet theory' isn't an animal."

"It ain't?"

Dusk shook his head and wondered why in Equestria his disorderly libido kept nudging and winking and insisting that this ignorant hick was eminently 'do-able'.

Across the table Fluttershy slumped back down onto her pillow. The moment somepony had started talking about pets she'd slipped out from under Cadence's wing with a manic gleam in her eye. She pouted as her fantasies about super cute and cuddly 'treerees' were shattered. She'd imagined them looking like silly, gangly monkeys with fluffy-wuffy kitten faces and colourful parrot wings.

Such creatures did in fact exist a few dozen universes over. The results of 'Doctor' Fluttershy's horrific perfect pet breeding experiments.

Twilight sighed and tried to get back on topic. "Aaanyway… What Dusk and I propose we do next is perform a 'relationshipping' experiment and use the mirror and Multiverse map to measure how far and in which direction we move in the Ship dimension."

Princess Celestia nodded her beautiful head and said, "I understand and I think I can say that all of we Sovereigns of Harmony approve of this plan." She paused to look around the table at the other Sovereigns and there we no dissenters, just enthusiastic nods or 'no skin of my muzzle' shrugs. "Thank you very much for your hard work Twilight Sparkle and Dusk Shine. May I ask who is going to perform the experiment?"

Twilight scuffed a hoof on the table top. "Umm…" She looked around at the Squires and asked, "Any volunteers?"

Pinkie Pie bounced up and down on her pillow with a hoof raised in the air. "Ooh! Ooh!"

"Are you volunteering, Pinkie?"

"Noper-doper! I just think you an Dusky should go first since it's your pet treeree." She grinned and poked Elusive in the side. "Am I right? Or am I right?"

Elusive looked mildly offended and almost dropped his teacup.

"Oh! Err… Umm…", Twilight stammered and blushed furiously. "A-actually, we'll both need to be with Princess Luna so we can monitor the Multiverse map. I was hoping the most potent nexus would be willing to go first."

Applejack pushed her hat back on her head while she examined the chart, "So that'd be…?"

"The Rainbow twins." Twilight nodded towards Blitz and Rainbow Dash, who had fallen asleep again with her cheek resting on her copy of the chart.

An uncharacteristically restrained Blitz asked, "So… You're asking us to do this 'relationshipping' experiment, right?"

Twilight nodded encouragingly.

"Doing 'relationship' stuff like First, Second, Third-base, and… even Home Plate?"

Twilight didn't understand his sport-related similes and had no time for research, but she could guess what they meant. With her blush deepening she nodded and said, "Sorry, Blitz I know it's really unusual and embarrassing to arrange something like this but, yes. You'd have to-"

"ALL RIGHT!" Blitz leapt up onto the table and danced on his hind legs while pumping his fore hooves in the air. "Oh, yeah baby! Gonna get me some sweet sweet lovin's tonight! Unh! Unh! Unh!"

Twilight grimaced and pranced back from the hip-pumping stallion. His hoof stomps woke up his sister who sat up with the chart stuck to the side of her head.

"What the hay?!"

Rainbow Blitz grabbed his sister's legs and hauled her up onto the table with him. He shouted, "This is awesome! We're number one, sis! We're number one!"

"We are? Well, heck yeah! Of course we are!"

The twin's hoof stomping, hip bumping and shoulder slapping dance accompanied by their chanting of "We're number one!" went on for several minutes while everypony around the table either applauded, rolled their eyes, or did their best to ignore them.

Applejack muttered, "Eeeyep… Number one sluts of the Multiverse."

It took several minutes of very insistent, but still polite, rapping of Princess Celestia's hoof before everypony calmed down and resumed their seats.

Beaming beneficently at the Rainbow twins Celestia said, "Thank you both for volunteering so… enthusiastically for this duty."

Rainbow Dash peeled the chart off her cheek and asked, "Uh… what did I volunteer for? Your highness? Ma'am?"

"Why, for Squires Twilight Sparkle and Dusk Shine's relationshipping experiment."

"Ohhh no! No, no, no! I'm not letting them do any experiments on me again!" She sat back with her forelegs folded and grumped, "Last time I was grounded for weeks while my feathers grew back."

Blitz poked at his sister with a sharp hoof. "Hey! Don't spoil this for me, sis. It's not that kind of experiment. It'll be fun!"

"Fun? What kind of fun?"

"Kissing!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"And cuddling", said Butterscotch.

"An' snoggin'", smirked Applejack. (The mare, not the stallion.)

"And fucking!" shouted Princess Cadence before clamping hooves over her muzzle and cackling like a hyena in heat.

Almost everypony around the table burst out laughing, except for Rainbow Dash who shot up into the air and began frantically circling the inside of the Observatory's dome, looking for a way out. Once Princess Celestia regained her composure she applied her hoof to the abused surface of the table once more while Prince Solaris' powerful magic gently netted Rainbow Dash and returned her to her seat.

Twilight and Dusk had to go over the entire plan once more, dumbing it down and repeating it in shorter and shorter words until Rainbow Dash finally understood that by 'fooling around' she would save the entire universe.

It took Twilight and Dusk both Pinkie-Pie-Swearing that they wouldn't be sticking sensors on her or standing next to the bed taking notes before Dash reluctantly agreed.

Meanwhile the other ponies took the opportunity to get refreshments and rib Princess Cadence.

Once everypony settled, Twilight Sparkle clip-clopped up onto the table and slipped into nerd-lecture mode, only now with the new role as match-maker to fulfil as well.

"Okay, everypony. Now that our, ahem, Number One-" the Rainbow twins had insisted on the title "-relationship nexus has volunteered, we need another pair of Squires before we can start the experiment." She turned to address the Rainbow twins. "Dash, Blitz. Do you have any preferences? For maximum effect it should be ponies that you want to, uh, experiment with."

"Well…" Dash's cheeks pinked and her voice was uncharacteristically quiet and shy as she admitted, "I… I've always kinda, sorta, had a thing for Applejack."

Applejack blushed red-and-delicious in a totally not ironic way, almost matching his big siblings' fur colour.

His sister cocked an eyebrow and drawled, "Really? Y'all fancy the strong silent type, Dashie?"

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof and spluttered, "I- I mean, look at him! A big, slab of muscular, honest, scruffy, farmcolt. Any mare would want to roll in the hay with that!"

Twilight bit her lower lip and certainly couldn't argue against that assessment.

Sliding down onto his belly, Applejack hid behind the table, squashing his hat over his eyes with big chipped hooves.

Applejack snorted, "Well, not any mare. But I take yer meanin'."

Clearing her throat to get everyone's attention Twilight asked, "What about you, Rainbow Blitz?"

"I've always wanted to get into Elu-" He snorted and shook his head. "I mean Rarity's pants, uh, dress…"

Rarity and Elusive both looked startled by this revelation. Not displeased, but a confused mix of curious and horrified.

"Okaaay…" Twilight consulted the relationshipping chart and said, "Actually that's not really going to work. The ship potential there just isn't all that high and having sex of us- Ugh! I mean, 'six' of us involved in this first experiment could be disastrous. Is there any chance you could just, uh…" She gestured vaguely in mare Applejack's direction.

"Oh, ah get it! Ah see where this is goin'!" Applejack's nostrils flared as she snorted angrily. "Mah bro's the main course an' ah'm just a side of chopped hay! Y'all can shove-"

All four Squires of Loyalty and Honesty were suddenly enveloped in a pinkish-purple glow. Twilight turned to see Princess Cadence's horn fizzling out as her unique spell finished.

Cadence winked, blew on a hoof, and polished it against her chest fur.

Author's Note

Two chapters is all I'll be posting for now. I have a couple more written but in need of editing, then the rest of it is crudely roughed out. This story will take about nine chapters... I think......

Please PM me if you spot a typo. :twilightsmile:

3 - Squires, Do Your Duty!

Dusk Shine scribbled the result of a complex calculation in the last white corner of a parchment which was more ink than paper. He'd triple-checked both the readings from a random sample of Core universes and his calculations.

It was… not good.

Twilight.

He needed Twilight.

She would quadruple and maybe even quintuple-check.

He sat up, yawned and rubbed at his eyes with ink-stained hooves. Looking around he was surprised to see that there were few ponies with him at the table. He turned to Prince Artemis and asked, "Where is everypony? Y-your Majesty."

The magnificent, dark blue alicorn paused in his adjustments of the Multiverse map's spells and nodded a head towards a door to the storage room adjacent to the Observatory. "They are preparing for the first… experiment. It will commence any moment now."

Dusk nodded and yawned again while scratching at his mane. "Mmm… that's good." He froze, glanced at his morass of mathematics and then with a filly-like squeal he leapt to his hooves and galloped to the storage room.

The clutter of student's telescopes, tall mirrors, book shelves, orreries, and other obscure arcane devices were pushed against the wall. Castle staff had lugged a large mattress up the stairs, laid it on the floor, and several Squires were busy dressing it with bed sheets and a comforter. Rarity and Elusive ever-so-politely bossed the other ponies around to bring their vision of a stylish and comfortable love-nest to life. The results were barely more than a dirty mattress in an alley, which only had limited appeal if you squinted and were in a particularly dirty frame of mind, but it would have to suffice. At least the lighting was suitably subdued since there were no windows and only a few dim golden-hue magelights mounted on the stone walls.

The Apple and Rainbow twins stood off to one side, quietly chatting and getting snuggly while they waited. Princesses Luna and Umbra tinkered with Starswirl's mirror, modifying its enchantments to make constant high-frequency scans of the Multiverse.

Dusk skidded to a stop in the middle of the room and shouted, "Wait! Don't start yet!" He waved his hooves frantically to get everypony's attention.

A half-dozen pillows fell out of the air and smothered Elusive as Twilight trotted over to her brother and forgot to keep her magic grip on them. "What?! What's wrong?"

Dusk gasped, "There's… There's a problem and I-" He noticed the snuggly group of ponies staring at him and said, "Oh! Hey… Apples and Rainbows. That'll be an ideal test." He hopped up and trotted over to them with a curious Twilight at his heels.

"But I'm afraid you two-" he pointed at Rainbow Blitz and stallion Applejack "-can't be part of it."

Blitz sat back from where he'd been nuzzling mare Applejack's muscular neck and loudly whined, "Awww, come on! Seriously?!"

Dusk closed his eyes and held up his hooves to forestall everypony's complaints. "Hold on, everypony. Give me a chance to explain, please?"

After a few moments the Rainbows and Apples settled down, though Applejack blew a rude, wet sound that made her lips flap.

Once he had their attention, Dusk said, "Alright, I noticed some strange things about the data we have for the Core universes. So I took some readings off of the local universes that we've actually visited through the mirrors and I was able to determine what some of it means relative to a universe's composition."

Seeing that Rainbow Dash was starting to nod off he decided to summarise rather than explain the process of teasing knowledge from differential comparisons of complex data sets. "It turns out that in the Core universes there are no male Squires. Blitz, Applejack, Elusive, Butterscotch and I don't exist in them!"

There was stunned silence for a few moments before Twilight said, "That's… really weird. Are you sure?"

Dusk nodded and said, "I've checked my figures several times. You remember that one universe we went to that only had male Squires? They called themselves the 'Members of Harmony'?" Twilight nodded and he continued, "I was able to compare its dimensional readings to the Core universes and our own. There's little margin of error. We-" he gestured at himself and the other two stallions "-don't exist in The Core."

"Oh my gosh! They all died?"

Dusk shook his head and said, "No, Dash. I don't think we ever existed there."

Applejack had a squinty, thoughtful look as she asked, "So… how do they make foals if'n they ain't got no stallions?"

"Oh, they have stallions. I detected Prince Sombra's signature and also Shining Armour, but not their twin sisters." He tapped a hoof on his chin and thought for a moment. "Maybe that's it? No twins?"

"No twins? How in Equestria do they get hiched and raise foals?"

Dusk shrugged and said, "I don't know, AJ. Maybe their typical family units are a stallion, a mare, and their offspring?"

Applejack stuck her tongue out. "Eugh! That's disgustin'!"

Everypony stood quietly for a few moments as it sank in: Living without the constant companionship and reassurance of your twin by your side. Having only two parents. Dating and marrying a single pony. Raising a family with only one spouse to help. Solo sex.

In a rare display of empathy Blitz muttered, "Those poor lonely ponies." Rainbow Dash wrapped a foreleg around his shoulders and gave him a comforting squeeze.

Twilight sighed and said, "I'm afraid my brother is right. Under these conditions we can't risk having Blitz and Applejack participating in the test."

"Wut the hay?!" Applejack yelled, "Ah ain't foolin' 'round with just Rainbow Dash!" She waved a hoof at her and said, "Don' get me wrong, Dashie. Yer a right tasty mare an' one of mah best friends. But it ain't natural fer a pony to be rollin' in the hay without their other half now is it?" She shuffled her rump across the floor and wrapped her forelegs around Applejack in a possessive hug.

Blitz nodded his head vigorously and pointed a hoof at Applejack. "What she said goes double for me! I mean, I'm all for kinky stuff, but 'blegh'. Gross! You wouldn't do somepony without their twin and Dusk in on the fun, right?"

Twilight shuddered at the thought and leaned her shoulder against Dusk's comforting warmth. He wrapped a foreleg around her shoulders and squeezed. Dusk didn't have any experience with anything more involved than what Blitz might have termed 'first base', which of course meant that Twilight didn't either. Despite that, he could sympathise with how the Rainbow and Apple twins must be feeling about this news. But what could they do? Risk destroying their universe? It was a conundrum.

Twilight rubbed her forehead and asked, "Uhm… I don't suppose you boys could just hang out in the room during the experiment and not, you know, get involved?"

Blitz barked a laugh and jabbed a hoof at Applejack. "He might be able to hold back, but me? Not buckin' likely."

Rarity came trotting over, all smiles and delicate beauty.

"We're reaaaadyyy…" she announced in a sing-song voice.

"Do please try not to make too much of a mess, it took us ever so long to-" Sensing the tense situation she halted and said, "Oh dear. Something is dreadfully wrong, isn't it?"

Dusk dolefully explained the problem and much to everypony's surprise, Rarity collapsed to the floor laughing and kicking her painted hooves in a most unbecoming manner. This caught Elusive's attention and he came galloping over to find out why his sister was acting so uncouth.

Once again Dusk had to go through explaining the situation. He found himself wishing that he'd brought the matter up with everypony around the Observatory table so he could have saved having to repeat himself. At least it was good public-speaking practice and gave Rarity time to recover from whatever silliness she'd been overcome with.

After elegantly rising to her hooves and dusting herself off, Rarity dragged her brother aside and they had a whispered conversation. Seeing the white unicorns leering over their shoulders at the Apple and Rainbow twins was kind of unnerving.

Rarity cleared her throat and said, "We have a solution for your little dilemma. Just wait right there and we'll fetch it from the Canterlot Carousel."

"Really? What-", Dusk started to ask but they cantered out the door, giggling like drunk schoolfillies.

Applejack looked at Applejack and asked, "Is you worried too?"

"Eeeeyup!"

"Gedit-off! Gedit-offa-me!"

Rarity shielded her eyes from Rainbow Blitz's flailing plumage. She tried (and failed) to keep the amusement out of her voice. "But it suits you, darling! Don't you think he looks simply marvellous, dear brother?"

A blushing Elusive coughed behind a polite hoof and nodded. "Oh y-yes… Like it was tailored for him. I believe the phrase 'bird in a gilded cage' would aptly describe our dear Rainbow Blitz right now, oui?"

Rarity tittered and said, "Come now, Blitz. Don't keep everypony waiting - it's time for your big debut!"

"I'm not going out there! Get. This. Thing. Offa. Me!"

"Oh, Blitz. You're being a silly-billy", cooed Rarity as she trotted around the furious stallion. "Why can't you be more like Applejack about this? He's such a stallion's stallion and took it with a certain je ne sais quoi, non?"

Squinting his eyes at her Blitz grouched, "If that's fancy-speak for 'pissed off' then, sure. He only said 'Eeenope' about a dozen times before you and AJ muzzled him."

Blitz sat up and struggled to shove the bejewelled belt down his hips but Elusive had cinched it very tight. While he was distracted Rarity slipped in under his flared wings and clipped a leash onto the collar around his neck. Despite being stronger than either of them, two against one was a losing battle for the pegasus as he was dragged and pushed out of the curtained off 'changing room'.

"Ta-dahhhh…" Rarity waved her hooves in a flourish as she presented the reluctant Blitz to the Apple twins and his sister, who were laying together on the mattress.

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow Dash hopped up from the makeshift bed and stalked around her brother, checking out the straps and shiny gold cage he was wearing. "Bro! You… You look like a total dweeb! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" She fell over laughing and hiccoughing while Blitz wrapped his wings around his furiously blushing face.

Applejack scooted to the edge of the bed to have herself a look-see. His get-up was a lot fancier than her brother's abstinence tack of brown faux-leather with brass buckles and jingling brasses. Blitz's was a web of bejewelled, shiny red straps with a frilly fringe. A golden cage wrapped around his balls and sheath, and there looked to be just enough 'expansion' room that it wouldn't hurt… much… but it would certainly keep him under control.

Applejack nodded and said, "Yup! That'll do 'er." She smirked and shook her head. "Heck, that'll keep him from doin' 'er. Heh."

Rarity tittered and unclipped the leash from Blitz's collar. She waved and trotted for the door, "Well then, we'll get out of your manes. Bonne chance!"

Before leaving, Elusive leaned close and whispered into Rainbow Blitz's ear, "Now be a good boy and maybe you'll 'get into my pants' later, mmm?"

Chewing on his lower lip, Blitz's eyes were glued to Elusive's rump as he sashayed out the door and shut it with a flare of magic as his hiked-up tail wiggled out of sight.

With a frustrated hiss Rainbow Blitz turned away and reluctantly settled onto the bed.

"Come on, Dash!" called Applejack, "Git yer tail on over here an' let's get this here show on the road. Don't ferget - first one t'finish buys a round Friday night."

After the a couple of loud moans managed to seep through the door, Princess Celestia cast a silencing spell and the Observatory's occupants were spared any further accidental écouterism.

Princess Luna and Prince Artemis kept a close watch on the Multiverse map's spells. Twilight and Dusk took turns checking on a measuring stick clamped into a retort stand next to the map to help them plot any movement of the mote that represented their universe. Everypony else was left to their own devices to find ways to fill in the time.

But there was little to actually do in a shuttered stellar Observatory in the day time.

Nothing further to discuss about their peril or Twilight and Dusk's strategy for saving them.

Prince Solaris and Princess Celestia quietly sipped tea and nibbled slice-after-slice of cake - the only indication of their nervousness. Celestia was winning; 15 to 8.

Princess Cadence and Prince Tempo practised ballroom dancing, standing on their hind legs, forelegs wrapped around each other's barrels as they swayed and spun to music provided by Pinkie Pie and Bubble Berry. It wasn't particularly good music, but their enthusiasm more than made up for the odd assortment of plastic novelty instruments.

Rarity and Elusive played chess and sipped demitasse after demitasse of tea… but no cake as they were watching their figures.

Fluttershy brushed Butterscotch's mane and they quietly talked, sharing worries about how their many, many animals friends must be upset after being left alone for so, so long. There really wasn't that much to worry about as they'd arranged for the Cutie Mark Crusaders to pet-sit for them and surely six very capable foals-

Butterscotch whimpered. Maybe they did have good reason to worry!

Nopony had seen the Sovereigns of Laughter since the last snack break. Which was a much more sensible thing to worry about! Even reformed, they shouldn't be left unattended for long stretches of time - or short ones for that matter.

Dusk peered at the measuring stick and thought he saw a twitch. He held his breath, as though merely exhaling on the map might cause its little sparks to scatter.

"It moved!" he cried when the pinpoint of light accelerated swiftly down towards the table. The motion had mostly stopped by the time Twilight leaped off her cushion and pressed her cheek up against his to see for herself.

She laughed in relief and announced, "It's an acceptable vector too. It's working, everypony!"

There was a surge of celebration around the Observatory - cheers, hoof stomps and the low booms of a pair of party canons being fired. Tinsel, glitter, streamers and little foil wrapped chocolate bits showered the room. Fortunately, Dusk Shine anticipated this and threw a shield spell over the Multiverse map.

Once everypony had settled down a little and confetti had been fished out of tea cups, most eyes turned to watch the door to the storage room. Waiting for Apples and Rainbows to come out to join in the celebration.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Until Rarity coughed, trotted over to the door and lightly rapped on it and called out, "Helloooo? Are you decent in there?"

Princess Celestia cleared her throat and said, "Oh. I am sorry Squire Rarity but I forgot about the silence spell. Just a moment."

The spell dropped and the Observatory was treated to the sound of Applejack's voice crying out in a loud, throaty yell. After a few seconds of mare-in-throes-of-bliss, Celestia slapped the spell back in place.

Pinkie Pie burst out laughing and shouted, "Sounds like Dashie wanted a second helping of apple pie!" She and Bubble Berry collapsed on the floor and rolled around, snorting and giggling.

Rarity backed away from the door, her eyes wide in shock. "Umm… P-perhaps we should give them a little more time, yes?"

Twilight poked her brother, nodded at the measuring stick and asked, "Are we still moving?"

He checked and shook his head. "No. It seems that a dramatic shift in relationship equates to a singular transition in the Ship dimension. That's a bit disappointing but matches our theory's projections." He grinned, gleefully rubbed his hooves together and said, "Now that we have a sample measurement we can guesstimate how much relationshipping is required to reach the Core. Let's hit the abacuses!"

Twilight snorted indignantly as they settled down with paper, ink and the aforementioned tools of calculation.

"Abaci."

"Abacuses!" Dusk grinned impishly and shook his box of rods and beads at his sister.

"Abaci!"

A half hour of good-natured arguing and calculation later and Twilight Sparkle stood on the table, preparing to lecture the Sovereigns and Squires again.

At least those who were present - the Rainbows and Apples hadn't emerged from the storage room and the Sovereigns of Laughter were still AWOL. The other Squires waited patiently for her to speak and she felt a little queasy thinking of her friends as 'tools'. That was essentially what the Squires had to be (herself included - a terrifying thought quickly squashed) if they were going to save their universe.

Princess Celestia smiled at Twilight and rapped her golden-gavel shod hoof on the table to call everypony to attention.

"Okay." Twilight smiled, gestured at the Multiverse map and said, "It's working! We've moved a little in the Ship dimension and according to our calculations we have enough Ship potential in the room to reach the Core universes."

Twilight patiently waited for the honking of party favours, cheers, politely stomped hooves and a couple of quiet 'yays' to die down.

Thank harmony the on-hoof supply of pink pony party projectiles had been used up already.

"Once our current experiment finishes-" Twilight waved a hoof at the still-closed storage room door. "-we'll run another one. Take another measurement to confirm our calculations and, basically, just keep going until we're safe." She inhaled, held it a moment. "So… So that means we need to figure out who goes next. Umm… Dusk and I have considered a few scenarios and it looks like our next most potent relationship is Rainbow Dash and, well, it's Fluttershy."

With a shrill "Eep", Fluttershy dove under one of Princess Cadence's large wings and did her best impression of a teeny-tiny mouse that nopony should be able to find. Had she fled the room to hide she might have gotten away with it, having mastered the art of not being noticed from her little rodent friends.

While Princess Cadence and Butterscotch tried to coax Fluttershy out, Rarity waved a copy of the relationshipping chart and pointed out, "Twilight, darling. I can't help but notice that there are six of these relationshipping lines connecting yourself to dear Rainbow Dash, but only five for Fluttershy."

Rarity's raised eyebrow reminded Twilight far too much of a displeased school marm taking a student to task for an incorrect answer.

"Umm… Y-yes, that is true. B-but I have to be out here to, you know, take measurements and do the math and… and stuff." Twilight turned to beg her brother to back her up. "That's right, isn't it Dusk? We have to do the math stuff, right?"

"Technically, anypony could note the-"

Twilight whisper-hissed, "You want to wear that chastity belt next?!"

Dusk's eyes went wide as he sat up and declared, "No! I-I mean, yes! Yes, that's right, Twilight, my dear thoughtful sister. We do have to be out here keeping an eye on things. Yep! Many numbers to math."

"Great! Then it's settled", Twilight said as she turned around to address everypony in the Observatory. "Next up is Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy!"

There was another quiet "Eep" as Fluttershy dove under Princess Cadence's other wing. Butterscotch and Cadence gave Twilight a dirty look and re-started trying to winkle Fluttershy out of her new hiding place.

Twilight bobbed her head sheepishly and whispered, "Sorry." She blamed it on too many 'lessons' in theatrics from Princess Trixie.

Dusk's quill made a satisfied scratch as he checked 'Celebrate 1st Experiment Success' off his checklist and scratched a line through 'Commiserate 1st Experiment Failure'. The next task was 'Extract Subjects from Test Chamber'. Taking a page from Princess Celestia's own playbook (Volume IV) he decided that this was a task best delegated.

"Rarity, Elusive. Could you check on the Rainbows and Apples."

Rarity frowned. "Why us?"

"Umm…" Generosity? Grace? Tact? "Tact?"

She sighed and got up. "Oh, very well."

"I would have also accepted 'Because we know how to make a entrance'." Elusive winked as he pranced to the door.

Princess Celestia dropped the silence spell and much to everypony's relief things had quieted down.

Rarity knocked and waited for a moment, to be polite and to cast Dame Lovelace's Sultry Scent Dissipater, before she barged on in. She found Dash and Applejack both passed out after a long hard shag while Blitz was desperately trying to teach Applejack how to use a manepin to unlock his chastity belt.

"Dibs! Me first!" Blitz yelped while pushing Applejack out of the way. "This blue pony's gotta set of blue balls that you wouldn't-"

Rarity cocked an unimpressed eyebrow and stepped around him to assist Applejack out of his harness.

Blitz snorted angrily. "Hey! I called dibs!"

Ducking past Blitz' thrashing rainbow tail, Elusive bumped shoulders and murmured, "Now, now. Good things come to ponies who are patient."

"Yeah, yeah. Patient schmashiant. Get this thing offa me already!"

"Open your mouth."

Blitz grimaced. "Whaaa- GLURK!"

Quick as a mongoose, Elusive did up the locking buckle which secured the ball gag he'd stuffed into Blitz' muzzle.

Rarity clucked her tongue. "Darling, is that really necessary?"

"Mmmmf! Mmm mm mmmmf mmmmmmmmmm!"

Elusive ducked away from thrashing feathers. "Do you want to endure the whining when he finds out he'll be standing by during the next experiment too?"

"Wuuuf?! Ffff mmmf!" Blitz made a break for the door, but pulled up short as it was completely filled with a looming wall of dark blue prince.

"Ah, just the pony I wanted to see." Prince Artemis pushed into the room, catching a struggling Blitz with one of his tremendous wings. "I have a few words of advice before you must face this trial. Techniques I invented and honed during my long time-out upon the Moon with only my sister for companionship."

"Mmf mmmmmm!"

"You have my sympathies. Now attend my words and you may survive mostly intact."

Tempo dragged him off to a corner while a sweaty and satisfied Applejack led her brother, who was walking funny, away to showers in the servant's wing of the palace.

"Make it quick", Twilight called after them. "We might need you for more relationshipping!"

Elusive's horn flashed as he cast a quick cleansing spell on the chastity harness they'd taken off of Applejack. With a few adjustments he expertly resized it to fit Butterscotch.

He complained, "Ew… It's still warm", as they strapped him in.

Fluttershy's panted, "I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." She stalled, as if it were the edge of a cliff at her hooves rather than the threshold of a storage room.

Rainbow Dash trotted over and nuzzled her cheek. "Relax, babe. I'll have you screaming in ten seconds flat!"

"I can't do this! I can't do this!" Fluttershy's hooves scraped on the floor as she scrambled back.

Prince Tempo sighed and called out, "I got this one."

One quick 'zap' later and Fluttershy grabbed Rainbow Dash and hauled her towards the bed. Everypony evacuated the room and Butterscotch sighed heavily, gave them a last mournful look, and shut the door.

Bubble Berry nudged Prince Tempo and chirped, "I guess that makes you a de-can't-er."

Tempo groaned. "Squire Bubble, that was a stinker."

"Whaaaat? You certainly de-can't-ed Fluttershy's whining! Ah! Ah! Geddit? Wine-ing!"

Celestia briefly considered casting her silencing spell on something other than the storage room.

Despite Rainbow Dash's boasting it was approximately 8 minutes and 45 seconds before Dusk and Twilight saw any dramatic acceleration in the Ship vector.

While they were waiting, the Sovereigns of Magic excused themselves and vanished in a tacky explosion of purple smoke. With things apparently taken care of, they left on more important business: to rejoin their court who were camped outside the walls of Griffonstone. One of many stops on their grand tour of Equestria's 'allies'. It was important to remind violence-prone neighbours that there would be consequences if their squabbles spilled over the border. A Great and Powerful 'circus' displaying Equestria's overwhelming horn-headed artillery usually calmed any hot heads.

Twilight sighed with relief after the Bloated and Annoying Trixie left and settled down with Dusk to go over their calculations. Her contentment didn't last for very long. She frowned and circled the results of a long and convoluted calculation, and slid the page in front of Dusk.

"Ohhh papercuts." It was one of the worst curses that she'd ever heard Dusk Shine use, trotted out only for especially terrible occasions.

"What do you think's causing it?" she asked as he hopped onto the table. She followed him and they peered at the Multiverse map, noses almost touching the glowing motes.

"I think, ummm…" He jabbed a hoof at the lights which hung near their own and asked, "Did you notice if these ones have moved as well? Maybe we're dragging them along?"

Princess Luna loomed over their shoulders and said, "Yes. I saw them move during the most recent… 'event'. Is this important?"

Twilight groaned. "We didn't account for pulling any other universes along with us. I guess it makes sense since we're all kind of connected."

Luna's horn glowed for a moment and a scattering of red motes appeared on the map, filling in an empty area on the limb sticking out of the main body of the Multiverse. "You may also wish to know that the loss of universes has spread rapidly since we began. I estimate we have perhaps half a day before it reaches us."

She stepped back and gestured to her brother. "Come, Artemis. We must raise the Moon… and hope there will be need to lower it come the dawn."

As Twilight watched them go, joined by Princess Celestia and Prince Solaris, her vision went all watery. She wiped at her eyes, sniffled, and leaned against Dusk's warm side, seeking a little comfort in her brother's presence. Dusk draped a leg over her shoulders and gave her a squeeze while he studied the map.

The Observatory dome echoed with cheerful and enthusiastic music. Pinkie Pie and Bubble Berry each had three instruments going at once, including cheap, plastic party favours, but the resulting music was eerily beautiful. For certain measures of beauty. Princess Cadence danced with Elusive held in her forelegs, while Rarity dipped and trotted with Prince Tempo. That is until she spotted Dusk and Twilight huddled together on top of the table and looking quite miserable.

"While this dance is simply divine, my Prince, will you excuse me for a moment?" Rarity stepped away and dropped to all fours.

Prince Tempo bowed graciously and moving with quick, fluid grace he stole Elusive away from his sister and whirled the startled stallion away in a quickstep tango.

Rarity trotted around the large, circular table and taking note of their sad expressions she decided to set propriety aside and hopped up onto the table so she could engage Dusk and Twilight in conversation.

"Dahhhrlings, you look as if somepony told you that Spike and Barb have mange… again."

Dusk sighed and nodded. "Hi, Rarity. Yes, well, it looks like we're boned."

Cocking her head to one side Rarity asked, "'Boned'?"

Twilight wiped a her eyes and made a quivering half smile. "Yep, we're hosed."

"'Hosed' and 'boned'? I take it you're not referring to what you expect to happen when it's your turn in the closet?"

Dusk snorted a laugh and shook his head. "No. It's-" he gestured at the map "-we're not going to make it. There isn't enough 'ship' potential after all. We made some assumptions and didn't take into account the congruent vectors of-"

"Tut tut tut! Please, I'm just a simple fashionista extraordinaire! There's no need to delve into the esoteric details. Not enough 'ship' potential? Not enough relationships? Hmm…?"

Rarity gazed at the Multiverse map and said, "Do you remember the gorgeous dress I made for Miss Cheerilee when she and Jauntilee almost married the middle Apples? What am I saying?! Of course you remember!"

Twilight groaned, "Rarity. If you have an idea can you just, I don't know, tell us without a dress-making allegory?"

"Miss Twilight Sparkle! You made us sit through your lectures about 'Multiverse this' and 'relationshipping that'. The least you can do is indulge me a brief story about my passion and I promise, promise, promise you that it will help. Probably."

"Fiiine."

"Ahem. As I was saying - do you recall Cheerilee's dress? The pink taffeta and organdy number with spinel and topaz accents? Oh, it was just heavenly if I may say so myself! Well, we had just finished the first fitting and I was cutting out the fabric for the real dress when I discovered that somepony had made off with all my organdy. I later discovered that Sweetie and Silver had used it to make parachutes." Rarity chuckled and shook her head at the memory. She'd been furious at the time but now the utter silliness of her younger siblings trying to use parts of a wedding dress to leap off of tall trees and into mud puddles was actually rather charming.

"So there I was, with nary a hope in Tartarus of finishing the dress in time. Elusive and I searched high and low through Ponyville but of course nopony sells amaranth pink organdy in our quaint rural village and there was no time to import more. Well, I was galloping past the cheese makers on the south side of town when I was struck with inspiration!

"I purchased several yards of used cheesecloth, cast some remarkable spells of my own invention upon it and created 'lactorgandy'! Oh, how it shimmered! I've been doing a brisk trade with fine fabric stores across Equestria ever since." Rarity breathed on one of her perfectly manicured hooves and polished it against her chest fur.

Twilight umm'd, "Umm… That's an… interesting… story, I guess. But unless you can turn cheesecloth into Ship potential I don't see how-"

Rolling her eyes in a dramatic fashion Rarity said, "You need more 'cloth' to save our universe, and we have plenty of perfectly serviceable 'fabric' right here." With her freshly polished hoof she reached past Twilight to boop Dusk Shine on the end of his snoot.

"B-but that could skew the vector in unpredictable ways!" Dusk spluttered.

"Perhaps, but would you rather our universe be skewed or skewered?"

Dusk nodded and said, "I- I guess it's worth setting up a new experiment, Twily. Worst case scenario is that we die trying."

"It's settled then." Rarity held hooves up to her muzzle and called, "Elusive! It's our turn, cher frère!"

"Wait. What?" Twilight's ears flopped about in confusion.

Dusk Shine nodded and said, "It makes sense. There's just us and Pinkie and Bubble to go, and if we do it this way we can get measurements from a lower-potential relationship and can calculate how much skew we'll end up with."

A slightly out of breath and sweaty Elusive trotted over and asked, "Do I have time for a quick toilette before we begin?"

The storage room door opening and a very satisfied Fluttershy swaggering out was answer enough. The yellow pegasus floated across the room with a big smile on the matted fur of her face.

Rainbow Dash stumbled out and leaned against the doorframe with her tongue hanging out, she was sweaty and trembling with exhaustion.

"Eluuuusiiiive! Get your ass in here!", Blitz yelled from inside the room. "I'm tired of being a good boy!" It sounded like he was close to tears, if not actually crying already.

Rarity giggled and gave her brother a playful shove, "I think that's your cue."

He gestured at Butterscotch as he stiffly hobbled out of the storage room and asked, "Don't we need the-"

"Oh no, cher frère. We're throwing caution to the wind. Go on, you know you've always wanted to."

"Eluuusiiiiive!" Rainbow Blitz's voice was thick with desperate need.

With a sheepish grin and an all-body-blush Elusive ducked inside while Rarity tried to tug Rainbow Dash back into the room.

"Noooo! Wawity! Ah need a bweak!" Dash scrabbled to hang onto the door frame, "Ah can'd feel mah tongue!"

Rarity giggled and said, "That's quite alright. You just lay back and let me take care of you for a while, hmmm? Let me pamper you, darling."

Dash squinted suspiciously at Rarity. "No! No diaperth."

Rarity tittered as she shut the door.

Their celestial Sovereigns returned from playing volleyball with the Sun and Moon, and behind them came freshly-scrubbed Apples.

"How do?" Applejack asked, her muzzle still graced with a satisfied smirk. She rubbed her mane with a damp towel and asked, "Equestria's Number One slut still hard at it with Rares?"

"And Elusive and Blitz."

Twilight explained the latest developments, leaving out Rarity's 'inspirational' cheesecloth speech.

"Well ah'll be. Should'a held off clearin' yer pipes in the shower there, bro."

Applejack shook his heavy head, flinging water droplets from his shaggy mane. He gingerly sat beside Prince Solaris and slumped down to rest his chin on the table.

"Ahhhhhhh…" he sighed in blessed relief.

Dusk's ears twitched at his sister's irritated grunt.

"Something wrong?" he innocently asked as she quickly shoved away the Relationshipping Chart - with a mere two lines linking their cutie mark to three apples at the bottom.

"Eeeh… nope! Aha ha. Aha ha ha ha haaa…"

Dusk opened his muzzle to say something snarky or supportive, he wasn't sure which, but was interrupted by Pinkie and Bubble blowing a loud rendition of The Royal Entrance Fanfare - with kazoos. They stood at attention to either side of the stair entrance as Discord and Eris proudly strode up into the Observatory, arm in arm. Behind them scurried an invasion force of pint-sized Discords and Erises (or Erisii if you like), with a smattering of bewildered ponies wearing white aprons and poofy white caps mixed in. They carried platters and baskets, tureens and ice-filled buckets, loaded with a feast the likes of which Canterlot had never seen before!

Quite literally.

They crested and broke like a wave over the petrified Squires and Sovereigns, swarming around the table to spread a patchwork of table cloths. Plates, glasses, cups, and cutlery were rapidly deployed and all the little Discords and Erises grinned as they stood at attention, paws and claws grasping handles atop silver domes covering the serving dishes placed around the table.

"Soup's on!" Eris cried in her raspy contralto while Discord enthusiastically rang an obtuse triangle.

Little draconequses hefted up silver domes and promptly exploded, sending a cascade of clanging metal into the hollow centre of the doughnut-shaped table.

It was breath taking!

Or, rather, Dusk held his breath in case it stank as horrific as it looked.

Directly in front of him lay a gigantic serving bowl heaped with what might be dark purple spaghetti - except the fat danger-noodles slithered around one another in a serpentine fashion. He barely held a filly-ish scream behind clenched teeth. Green and brown muck slathered on the 'noodles' steamed as bog-like bubbles rose to its oily surface and popped with petite farting sounds.

Eris' paw and clawed hand grasped his shoulders and her warm, furry chest pressed against his back. "Ooo… Ssso much tenssssion", she hissed in his ear. "Relaaax, Dusky Doo. I ssswear it'sss all vegetarian and won't bite."

He flinched away from her ticklish forked tongue and gasped for air.

"Hahhh… Hahhh… Oh! Hahh… T-that… That actually smells really good." Scents of asparagus, tomato, squash, mushroom, and a mish-mash of unidentifiable savoury vegetation fought a pitched battle in his eagerly snuffling nose. Citrus, herbs, and spices performed a pincer movement and soundly thrashed his olfactory epithelium with a wave of drool-inducing delight.

"Sssee!" She giggled and patted his head. "Dig in!"

Dusk eyed a tureen of mashed potatoes and gravy which eyed him right back. "You promise? There's no hidden surprises?"

She cackled and floated over his head. "Don't be ssstupid! Of course there's surprises! But nothing that would hurt any precious widdle pony. We may seem a touch mad to you dull harmonious creatures, but if any of you are unable to, ahem, perform, it'll be my pert little tushy on the line too."

She waggled said mis-matched rump cheeks in his face before sailing across the table to pounce on Pinkie Pie, who was happily stuffing frosted pupcakes into her maw.

Tails wagging, yipping and yapping, the cakes seemed just as delighted with their fate.

One by one, the Squires and Sovereigns hesitantly sampled the chaotic cuisine. Dishes that might escape were usually only served to visiting griffin dignitaries and required a watchful eye to keep them corralled on one's plate. The entire roast 'sheep' made of vanilla cake, complete with a fluffy white fleece of spun shugar and jelly internal organs, was particularly disturbing. Grapes with hissing fuses exploded like fire crackers in Dusk's mouth and leaked colourful smoke from his nostrils. Fine wines from Canterlot's vast cellars eased any remaining tension, and even Fluttershy was coaxed from beneath the table.

Between bites of trembling Seizure Salad and dodging swipes from fruity Bear Claws, Dusk and Twilight kept a wary eye on the Multiverse map.

Twice, rapid shifts sent them scurrying to their abacuses ("Abacai!") to feverishly revise calculations. While they were clicking beads and splashing ink around, Rarity opened the door and called out for somepony to pretty please fetch a stack of towels. Evidently unleashing a pent up pegasus stallion was an extremely messy affair.

A few minutes later Prince Artemis tapped on Dusk's shoulder. He gestured at the maps and said, "It moved again."

"What? Really?" Dusk rubbed his head with a ink-stained hoof before comprehension dawned on him. "Oh! Of course! Rarity on Dash, Elusive on Blitz - or, more likely, Blitz in Elusive - and then Elusive on Dash and Blitz on Rarity." He turned to Twilight and giggled in a slightly manic way. "Twice the relationshipping potential! And with all of the combinations and permutations of relationships for all twelve Squires, minus the obviously incestuous pairings-"

From the other side of the room a sharp-eared Pinkie Pie sang, "Or not!"

Twilight yelled back, "No, Pinkie Pie! Ugh!"

"Whaaaat?! It's fun!"

Dusk coughed and struggled to regain his composure. "Ahem… As I was saying. With all of those various combinations and permutations we should easily have enough to reach The Core even dragging a dozen other universes with us."

Twilight hopped up onto the table to get closer to the map and with a squelchy squish she accidentally stepped in a Leech Cobbler. She plunked her rump down next to the map and scrubbed the squirmy things off of her hind hoof with a napkin. She grimaced and wished she hadn't blindly accepted Eris' assurance that everything was vegetarian. She waved to get Princess Luna's attention.

"Can you make the map display some of the other dimensions for me? I need to check if we're getting skewed away from the Core."

The resulting flickering and twisting of the map made everypony feel a bit ill - or perhaps the squirmy food was to blame - but Twilight confirmed that their universe's trajectory was acceptable even with the male twins doing their part. They'd end up near some unknown sector of The Core, but they could do it!

She grinned and yelled, "It's working! We're going to be alright, everypony!"

Discord stood and ting-tinged a fork against his oversized wine glass filled with slices of burnt toast.

"Attention everypony!"

He raised his glass and declared, "To our heroic Squires! Their pricks and poon will lead us into a new age of, ugh, peace and prosperity for all! Their dirty deeds this day shall go down and swallow in history! To commemorated their heroic humping I've commissioned a spectacular stained glass window for the castle's grand entrance. Well hung in place of pride, where everypony in all Equestria can see and be touched in inappropriate ways. Well done, every pony!"

"Hear, hear!" Eris cried while banging on the table, making her cutlery dance a clinking minuet.

A ragged cheer went up from the other Sovereigns.

"We are not installing that window", Celestia whispered after a big swallow of wine.

"No?" Prince Solaris withered under her glare. "No. No, I suppose not."

The storage room door creaked open and Rarity trit-trotted out, humming gaily.

"Ooh! Supper! Fabulous!" She settled at the table by Princess Umbra's dusky side, spritzed herself with eau de cologne, and quickly assembled a cress and daisy sandwich. She carefully avoided anything grotesque and wiggly… which wasn't easy. "I'm simply famished! Could you pass the Grey Poupon, s'il vous plaît?"

Dressed in a fancy waiter's uniform, completed with white apron, Discord loomed over Rarity's shoulder to present a stoneware jar on a silver tray. "It's-aaah verra frresh, mademoiselle. Trays pee-quant!" he slured in an outrageous mockery of a prancypone accent.

"Oh! Oh, ahem, ah, merci… I think." Mustard spoon at the ready, she cracked the lid and frowned at the colourful contents. "This isn't-"

"Vous ask-eh-vou'd pour les Gay Poupon? Oo-wee?" Discord smirked and waggled his fluffy eyebrows at Rarity's dismayed countenance.

She huffed and refused to give him the satisfaction of an answer! Rarity pouted and angrily spread a layer of the striped sauce on her sandwich, where it reminded her of the tail-end of a pony she'd become intimately familiar with.

Rainbow Dash stumbled out of the storage closet with her proud wings drooping almost to the floor. She hobbled an erratic, half-awake path to the table while Elusive emerged behind her with an unconscious Rainbow Blitz slung across his shoulders.

Brasses on Butterscotch's chastity belt jingled as he hopped up to help get Blitz settled on his cushion.

Elusive winced and waved a hoof at the belt. "Oh, I am so terribly sorry. In all the rush I completely overlooked that you needed to be unlocked."

Butterscotch blushed and murmured, "Oh… It's okay, I don't mind. I… I kind of like it."

Princess Celestia's hoof rapped on the table to get everypony's attention. Elusive smiled and winked at Butterscotch before prancing off to take his seat. On his right side, Pinkie lay on her back, hooves in the air and tummy turgid, while on his left, Prince Sombra sneered and tried to scrub frosting splatter from the lapel of his dour jacket.

"Attention, everypony and draconequus." Celestia tapped her gavel-hoof a few more times and beamed motherly affection for a pair of foals who had earned a gold star on their school report. "Squires Dusk Shine and Twilight Sparkle. The experiments have been successful? Is our universe truly saved?"

Twilight fairly glowed, now that Hocus and Trixie had buggered off, and she could bask in Celestia's praise. "Yes! Yes, there were a few, ah, anxious moments but according to what we've learned, we can do this! So long as all of the Squires participate."

The round of stomping and cheers was rather muted as various ponies were unconscious, stuffing their faces, or reclining with a bellyfull of muffled yapping. Princess Celestia smiled and opened her mouth to shower Twilight Sparkle with praise, but then Dusk Shine had to butt in and ruin the moment.

"Just in case, I've drawn up a contingency plan for relationshipping the Sovereigns."

Princess Celestia's regal ears folded flat to her head and she tentatively asked, "O-oh? Surely you jest, dearest Squire Dusk?"

"Nope! I've been refining our dimensional analysis profiles and found that Sovereigns also have useful relationshipping potential. See?" Dusk held up a partly finished chart.

Celestia's eyes locked onto the crudely sketched sunburst of hers and Solaris' cutie mark. Many, many lines linked it to other Squires and Sovereigns - especially Dusk and Twilight, who she thought of as foals-from-another-mother. Even a few to her Lunar siblings!

Unaware of Celestia's dismay, Dusk plunked the scroll back onto the table and picked up his quill. "I'll have this finished in a few and we can set up the next experiment. It's a shame Hocus and Trixie left…"

"Oh. T-that is most… excellent news." Princess Celestia rose to her suddenly sweaty hooves and prodded her brother to get up as well, "But you'll have to excuse us. Night has fallen and we really must rest before we are needed to raise the sun. Isn't that right, Prince Solaris?"

Nervously eyeing the new chart he nodded eagerly. "Yes! Of course! Can't be helped. Good evening everypony and good luck!"

Dusk hopped up to chase after them. "But we'll need to borrow your bed! It's the only one in the palace that's big enough for everypony."

If Celestia could have gotten any whiter she would have blanched. "Oh, no no no! Sorry, but we really do need our rest!" She faked a massive yawn. "Ahh hmmm… So sorry but I must decline for we desperately need sleep, right now! You have our royal leave to borrow our sibling's bed! Good night!"

She shoved her brother out of a window and leapt out after him. Dusk skidded to a halt at the window ledge and watched them frantically flap away into the night, like startled pidgins.

"Cadence? You're leaving us too?" Twilight whined as her former B.B.F.F. (Babysitter Best Friend Forever) and Prince Tempo beat a retreat to another window.

Prince Tempo coughed and said, "W-well it's just… Uh… Prince Sombra! Surely you noticed he's gone?"

"What? He's right…" Elusive blinked in surprise at the empty cushions where his Sovereign and Princess Umbra were sitting moments ago. "Huh."

"I fear he's gone back to the Empire to freebase crystals. You know how he gets. Right, sis?"

Cadence nodded eagerly. "Yup! Can't have him going on a bender and enslaving everypony again." She guiltily hid behind her brother's bulk as they scampered for the window.

Twilight waved her hooves in the air and yelped, "But what if we need your spell?"

"You'll be fine! Believe in yourself! Call us! Bye!" With a loud flapping of wings they made good on their getaway, flying north as fast as their wings could carry them.

Dusk sighed heavily as he sat down at the table, he prodded Twilight's rump and pointed at where the Sovereigns of Laughter had been a few moments ago. Fabric tubes vaguely painted to look like Their Chaotic Majesties waved from side to side, flailing noodle arms in the air.

Prince Artemis sighed. "Please accept my humble apologies for their cowardice, Squires Twilight and Dusk."

"Indeed. Our fellow Sovereigns' behaviour is most deplorable", Princess Luna declared. "Rest assured that my brother and I are loyal to our cause and will do all we are able to aid you."

Dusk Shine brightened and asked, "So, about borrowing your bed…"

Princess Luna's eyes narrowed and she hissed, "Pray do not test the depths of our loyalty, Squire!" A heavy dark aura spread from her body and her voice took on a gravelly edge of cement mixer. "The soil of our Moon would make an adequately soft mattress."

"Eep!" Dusk ducked behind Twilight and tried to think small thoughts.

Prince Artemis chuckled and said, "I'll have the palace staff arrange a larger bed or two in the storage room. Do try to avoid eating anypony, dear sister." He got up and headed for the stairs as Luna spluttered.

She settled back onto her cushion and groused, "Slip up just once and you never hear the end of it."

Feeling more than a little creeped out Twilight shuddered and turned to address the Squires. "Okaaay… Anyway, I think we should all finish eating and grab forty winks while they get the room prepared. It's going to be a long night, everypony."

The Squires gathered seating cushions to make a nest, and curled up together to get some shut eye while palace staff prepared the storage room. Luna cast an isolation dome over their corner of the Observatory so the racket and light wouldn't disturb them.

"Psst… Are you asleep?"

Dusk rolled over so that he was snoot-to-snoot with his sister and murmured, "No. I can't sleep. I'm too worried. Are you okay?"

Twilight shook her head and whimpered, "Nooo."

Dusk drew her in for a hug and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I just… I thought our first time would be something… well… special. Romantic. Magical."

He chuckled and nuzzled her ears. "Me too. But I can't imagine anything more special than saving the whole Harmony-blessed universe with all of our friends."

Twilight pressed her forehead against his neck and sighed. Dusk could hear her frustration and anxiety.

"Tell you what, Twily. When all this is over we'll ask Celestia and Solaris to throw a grand ball here at the palace. We'll invite everypony's families, have a huge, romantic wedding and then go on a week long honeymoon on the Fancy Riviera."

Twilight snorted a giggle. "Moms and Pops going to kill us."

Dusk smirked and said, "Oh, I think Papa Night Light and Mama Luminescent won't mind, but it's gonna take some fancy hoofwork to convince Papa Velour and Mama Velvet. Having many son and sister-in-laws and potentially lots and lots of grandfoals should make them happy though."

Twilight yawned and nodded. After their elder siblings' bug-infested wedding, having an enormous herd wedding would be a piece of cake. Hah! No. It would be crazy. But at least they'd be here to 'enjoy' it.

Dusk's lips quirked in a crooked little smile as his sister gently snored into his ear.

Princess Luna kept a close eye on the Multiverse map's depiction of universes winking out.

The palace staff, under Prince Artemis' direction, hustled to clean and prepare the storage room. His millennias of wet dream voyeurism were put to good use, transforming the stuffy room into a romantic boudoir.

A rainbow of soft velvet draperies hung from the walls and ceiling, hiding away mirrors, telescopes, and boxes of assorted equipment. Three beds were pushed together and dressed with spare sheets and comforters from Celestia and Solaris' royal suite. The cowardly Solar Sovereigns could just deal with the stains. Lanky Lemon & the Yearlings crooned a romantic ballad from the horn of a state-of-the-art phonograph, and a walnut sideboard was piled high with refreshments and stacks of soft towels. Its drawers were stocked with an assortment of 'marital aids' - fetched from the Canterlot Carousel by a red-faced squad of Lunar Guards.

With destruction looming close, Luna and Artemis shooed the guards and giggling maids from the Observatory, and woke the Squires. Thimbles of Luna's Own brand coffee were doled out, saturated with so much shugar it was practically a syrup.

Once the screaming had died down, Prince Artemis led the troop of caffeine-buzzing Squires to the storage room and gestured grandly. "Welcome, Squires! This may not be the most comfortable or auspicious chamber from which to save our universe but I hope it will suffice."

Pinkie and Bubble charged into the room and bounced on the beds while the rest of the Squires filed in.

The sole added touch Rarity just had to make was setting up a couple of incense cones which she lit with a touch from her horn. This wasn't the way she and Elusive had imagined their 'wedding' night but at least they were in the palace and her brother was, after years of pining, getting some quality time with Blitz. Now if only she could get her hooves on Twilight, everything would be perfection! This unheard of mish-mash of relationships might turn into something worth treasuring.

Princess Luna pulled Twilight and Dusk aside before they entered the room. She solemnly told them, "We shall keep a close eye upon the map. If we see ought amiss we will fetch you."

"Oh?" Twilight backed away from the door and a squeaked, "I-if you think there might be a problem maybe we should just stay out here and-"

Dusk's hoof over her muzzle cut off her breathless ramble and he shook his head. "Sorry, sis. We've got to be part of this. You saw how many relationship lines we have connecting us to everypony else, right?"

Twilight close her eyes, sighed and nodded. She wished Cadence hadn't bailed on them - a dose of Love's Spur would really help right about now!

"Come on, Twily. I'll be there with you and this has got to be easier than taking down Chrysalis and Pupa. Probably more fun too."

Twilight giggled nervously. "I don't know if anything could be more satisfying than that."

With the door closed and the silencing spell refreshed, Artemis and Luna trotted to the table and broke out a deck of cards.

In that improvised boudoir it was a night of burgeoning lusts.

Mutual appreciation of the most earthy variety.

Kisses and body fluids were exchanged and pleasure of all kinds were experimented with, aside from incest of course.

Well, except for the pink ponies who did whatever and whoever it took put a smile on somepony's face.

When stallions begged for momentary reprieve, marital aids were deployed - as were colourful plastic party favours.

Mares pleasured mares who did stallions like they're mares who did mares like they're… etc. ad infinitum.

It was a night of firsts for many Squires.

Twilight and Dusk both lost their virginity, as did Butterscotch once Pinkie Pie convinced him to take off the chastity belt.

Rainbow Blitz and Elusive thoroughly cemented their long-time maybe-kinda-someday interest in one another.

Bubble amazed everypony with his kumquat and waffle iron trick.

In fits and starts their strange little universe cut a wobbly path across the Multiverse, dragging a net of a half dozen other universes behind it. Eventually nestling near some of the queerer Core universes.

Vast ripples of destruction attenuated and faded.

Equestria, this royal throne to sovereigns, this land of silly hats and song, this happy breed of pones, this little world, this harmonious land set in a silver sea, by their blessed plots, this realm, was saved.

Meanwhile, in a universe that was now 'next door'…

"Thank you ever so much for agreeing to accompany me, Rarity", Twilight Sparkle said with a warm smile as they trotted side-by-side through the dark and empty halls of Canterlot. They passed solitary sentinels of the Night Court whose purple armour blended into the shadows.

It was very late at night - or early in the morning - and Rarity yawned before replying, "You're welcome. I'm always happy to help and I was already in Canterlot for the Hot Haute Couture Pageant." She chuckled and shook her head.

Twilight arched a graceful eyebrow and asked, "Mmm…? What has you so giggly, ma cher?"

"Oh, two of the featured designers are still working with padded 'power shoulders' this season. But my latest analysis of cultural trends confirm my prediction that slimmed shoulders to emphasise fuller flanks will be the fastest growing trend. They'll completely miss taking advantage of that growing target market." Rarity snorted cutely and had to slow down for a moment to adjust her stylish, red-framed glasses. "That and there was this diamond dog designer named Glaring Pug whose line-up consisted of ponies dressed as what appeared to be murderous clowns. You know, it could be interesting to investigate the influence of intra-species Bizarre Couture within Equestrian fashion to see if-"

Twilight's eyes glazed over as her friend nattered on and on about fashion this and marketing that. Much as she cared for Rarity - as she did for all of her fellow Elements, fellow friends - the entrepreneurial unicorn was frightfully dull when her… Well, Twilight wouldn't call it a 'passion'. When her 'studious interest' in fashion was in full swing. Certainly she had an inquisitive mind, a through education at the highest level, and well-honed skills in her craft. But there was no love, no passion, no Art! Just hours and hours of careful, dusty research and planning and plotting and perfect execution.

With a start, Twilight realised that Rarity's lecture had rambled to a stop and she was gazing at her with an expectant expression on her scandalously make-up-less but refreshingly beautiful face.

"Ohh ho ho hooo… That was very… amusing? Interesting? Umm-" Twilight's ears wiggled in embarrassment as she asked, "Did I detect a question?"

"I was just wondering where we're going."

"To a little tête-à-tête with Princess Moon in the Observatory. She noticed something…" Twilight paused and wondered how she could express this concept in laypony terms. "She felt a wiggle in The Force, as if a thousand voices had cried out and-"

"A wiggle in a whaaat…?"

Twilight shook her head and sighed. "Or did she say it was a 'jiggle'? Oh dear, oh dear. I'm afraid I simply can't recall the precise phrase the Princess used."

With a cutely snorty chuckle Rarity bumped into Twilight and said, "Nevermind. It'd probably go over my head anyway. Do you know what she wants us for?"

Twilight rolled her shoulders in a shrug as they walked down the last hall to the Observatory stairs. "I'm afraid not. You know what our Princess of the Night is like - so terribly dramatic and mysterious."

A pair of Princess Moon's elite moonfoal guards nodded to them and opened the thick iron-bound doors to the stairs leading up to Her Highness' private Observatory.

At the top of the long spiral stairs, Rarity tipped her head back and stared up at the dome. Enchantments made it so that regardless of the cloud cover, anypony inside would have a crystal clear view of the night sky, and it was a stunning vista.

Twilight looked around the large room but there was no sign of the Princess. One of the midnight black moonfoal guards came up the stairs, walked past, and gestured with a leathery wing for them to follow. He quietly led them to a storage room.

Princess Moon waited for them in the dustier and much less-spectacular closet. She nodded as they entered and set aside the large quill she had been making notes with.

"Rarity. Twilight."

Both unicorns bowed before the tall pitch black alicorn, who grinned, exposing rows of needle sharp teeth. She did so love seeing other ponies grovelling before her, somehow that never got old. But there was work to be done and the night wasn't getting any younger.

Princess Moon led them to one side of the room and gestured with a massive bat-like wing at a floor-length mirror that had several glowing gems set in its frame. "I'm making a copy of Starswirl's mirror and while I was studying the original I felt a… disturbance. A great change in the many universes. That was when I noticed this…"

A stub of chalk levitated up from one of the many desks, held in the princess' green glowing magic. With a flick she tossed it at the mirror and instead of bouncing off it vanished! Ripples spread from where it struck, splashed against the mirror's rim, and quickly died away. In moments the polished surface was still again.

Twilight made an 'o' face for a moment before exclaiming, "It connected?"

"Yes. All on its own." Princess Moon growled and curled a lip at the device's impertinence. "I've tested its enchantments and the connection is surprisingly stable."

Twilight ran an appreciative eye over the mirror, not literally of course as that would be quite painful. To her highly-trained senses, Princess Moon's refinement of Starswirl's mish-mash of experimental spells glowed in intricate patterns that dancing with exquisite complexity. Such beauty! Such passion! Such style! It was enough to make a mare faint with joy!

Twilight bounced on her hooves like a giddy filly and sang, "Oh this is so terribly exciting! Do you want us to reconnoitre this new universe, Princess?"

Before Princess Moon could answer Rarity gasped and asked, "It's not that monkey universe again?!"

Princess Moon chuckled wickedly and savoured the horror that simmered in Rarity's eyes. "That's for you to find out."

Rarity's hide twitched and she grumbled, "Much as I want to finish my survey of their fascinating fashion I couldn't stand becoming one again - those long skinny legs and wiggly fingers. Ugh. I still have nightmares…"

Princess Moon winked and purred, "Oh, I know." She jabbed a hoof at the mirror. "Enough stalling! Get in there already. If there is some threat to Equestria or prize waiting to be plucked I would know of it sooner rather than later."

"Alright! Alright, look, I'm going." Rarity scampered away from Princess Moon's angry-face and sidled up to Twilight, who was still entranced by the mirror.

"Just have a quick look and come right back?" Rarity whispered in Twilight's ear.

"Mmhmm!" Twilight hummed. "I'll go first. Wait a moment and if I don't return immediately, follow me in. Agreed?"

"I understand. Good luck." Rarity's heart skipped a beat. Her friend was so very, very brave - or a trusting fool. She glanced over her shoulder at Princess Moon, who was eagerly rubbing her armoured hooves together like a filly waiting for her Hearths Warming present.

Twilight calmly sauntered through the mirror.

A little shiver ran down Rarity's spine. She would never get used to seeing somepony do that. After waiting for a few breaths, she swallowed, closed her eyes, walked towards the mirror, and face first into a pile of dusty fabric! She almost stepped backwards through the mirror again.

"Psst. Over here."

Rarity tiphooved (Hooves! She still had hooves. Oh, thank Moon!) along a narrow, dark corridor towards Twilight's quiet call. Drapery hung on her right and piles of odd boxes and equipment formed a cluttered wall to her left.

She found Twilight lying on her belly, peeking through a part in the draperies into a room beyond. Soft light from candles burned to stubs provided the only illumination and a strange hissing and clicking made Rarity's ears twitch as she lay on the floor next to Twilight.

She tensely whispered, "Where are we?"

"I think we have arrived in the same storage closet in the Observatory. Well, other than being in a different universe of course." She giggled daintily.

Rarity sniffed the air and pressed a hoof over her nose. "Augh! It stinks! Twilight, I think we should go back."

Twilight sniffed and shuddered. "What is that atrocious odour?"

"Y-you don't know what that is?"

With a shrug Twilight asked, "No. Should I?"

Rarity smirked. "Oh, Twilight. You poor, sheltered filly."

Twilight pointed with a hoof and whispered, "I think I see a bed out there."

"Why am I not surprised?" Rarity rolled her eyes. Just their luck to stumble into somepony's 'fitting room'. While it was occupied no less. She tapped Twilight on the shoulder and gestured back the way they had come. "We've done what Moon-y asked. Let's get out of here."

Twilight had to learn what the inhabitants of this universe were like! They were probably ponies since she and Rarity still were. Nopony seemed to be moving so she decided to heroically sneak in, and see if she could gather any useful information from observing who ever was asleep on that gigantic bed.

Maybe a princess? This universe's Nightmare Moon or Daybreaker? Oh, that could be delightful! Making first contact with royalty!

Twilight crept out of their hiding spot and Rarity snatched at her tail while hissing, "Twilight?! What are you doing? We should go."

Twilight whispered back, "I'll only be a moment, ma cher. Do not fret."

A few steps further and her hoof landed in something both slippery and sticky.

"Ew. What is this nasty, nasty substance?" She lifted her hoof to sniff at it and moments later was frantically rubbing it against a dry patch of carpet. It was something organic that reminded her of the revolting green snot in a changeling hive! The fur on her back bristled and she tensed to scuttle back the way she'd come. Somepony on the bed snorted and rolled over. Twilight couldn't see much in the dim candlelight but they certainly didn't sound like a changeling.

Or seem grand enough to be a Princess.

Gently placing her hooves on the edge of the bed she raised herself up to get a peek and found herself staring at herself.

Confronted with the sight of her own sleeping body Twilight gasped and woke the other mare.

Her other self blinked her eyes blearily while Twilight stood frozen. The other Twilight's lips curled in a goofy smile and she giggled!

"Wheee heee hee… It's another me! I think Applejack really did buck my brains out."

Gazing up at her own face's stunned expression, Squire Twilight's grin turned wicked and she suddenly threw her legs around the other mare's shoulders! Yanking her stunned and unresisting other-self close she gave herself a sloppy smootch! Her tongue was a battering ram, forcing its way into the other mare's muzzle and pillaging her cherry flavour lip gloss!

Twilight's muffled scream, only a few centimetres away from his ears, jolted Dusk out of a satiated doze. He leapt to his hooves on the springy mattress.

"Twilight?!"

His sister's dimly-lit rump charged away from the bed as she screamed her head off!

She'd seemed okay earlier, even happy once she got into it - or rather once Applejack got into her. But as he'd feared might happen, she'd snapped! He jumped from the bed to chase after her, and slipped on something slimy that almost sent him crashing to the floor.

As he ran, his barely-awake and cider-addled mind tried to catch up with what was going on. Did he just see Rarity back there behind the drapes before Twilight ran through them? He charged through the curtains and straight into a box loaded with clanking brass instruments!

"Ouchie!" He rubbed his snoot and turned toward the sound of scampering hooves, just in time to get a vague impression of somepony's rump going through a door.

"Twilight?!"

There was a door back here?

Ponies muttered questions back at the bed as they woke, but he didn't have a moment to spare if Twi was in full freak-out! He galloped for the door, intent on catching up with his crazed sister before things started exploding!

He had a brief flash of somepony galloping right at him from the other side and flinched!

Eyes shut, he tried to dodge!

His hoof caught on something!

Tail over ears, Dusk tumbled into the mirror.

Author's Note

Il meglio è l'inimico del bene. ~ Voltaire

Something I continue to struggle with: the desire to ensure every sentence is honed to perfection. Urgh. That said, I'm not immune to making typos, so please PM me if you spot one. :twilightsmile:

Now with various fixes courtesy of Cross Lament. :twilightsheepish:

4 - Squires, Advance!

Princess Nightmare Moon's squeaks, chirps, and clicks were in a much deeper register than most of her creations could manage.

Two black and grey shadows emerged from a dark corner of the storage room and saluted with leathery wings.

She pointed a hoof, squeaked and chirped imperiously, sending one galloping off to scramble a squad from the barracks. A dozen of her stormtroopers to send through the mirror, if Twilight and Rarity failed to return.

There were many, many more if that wasn't enough.

While she and the remaining guard waited in the storage room, Princess Moon posed in front of the mirror, flaring her black wings dramatically and grinning to show off her pearly-white fangs. If all went well perhaps she would get the chance to visit the new universe and enjoy some therapeutic shouting. She so seldom got the chance for a really good stomping and shouting these days. Ever since her sister's return from exile it was lessons in Friendship; hosting court parties; cutting ribbons on foalcare facilities; solving diplomatic crises with chat and tea instead of blood and screams.

Pah!

It was dull and depressing.

Though it was… nice… that her sister ruled the Day with a golden hoof once more. Taking over the day shift saved Moon from dealing with the arrogant geldings of Solar Parliament.

But she'd give anything for a lovely bloody border conflict or violent revolutionaries to crush beneath her hooves like so many grapes! The closest thing to a proper scrap since Daybreaker's return was that stupid food fight in Appleloosa! And even that had been neatly wrapped up by the Elements of Harmony before she'd arrived. It was embarrassing! Charging in to slaughter those who dared challenge the State's authority, with a Century of Guards and a Wing of moonfoals all thirsty for bison blood, only to have peace break out.

Peace!

Moon furiously hissed and spat, making her armour-clad companion rattle.

Oh well, at least there'd been pie.

With any luck Twilight and that clothes horse would get captured or worse and start the lovely little war that she-

Twilight galloped out of the mirror, with a frantic Rarity on her tail.

Princess Moon gaped, startled from her bloody musing.

Twilight ran past her and pin-balled off the guard's armoured chest. Rarity's hooves slid on the stone floor, but she crashed into Twilight. They fell in a shrieking heap of flailing hooves.

Princess Moon inhaled to shout at them, but before she could get going, another pony came tumbling through the mirror and sprawled on its side at her hooves.

With legendary alicorn-brisk cogitation, Moon assessed the situation: destroying the mirror was the most obvious way to avoid further invasion from a hostile universe. The most immediately gratifying response as well. To smash! Might be worth it, even having spent months building the blasted thing.

But she restrained herself and contemplated her sister's lessons on, ugh, 'kindness'.

She could toss this clumsy invader back, then destroy the mirror. But that would waste a potential asset before understanding what was going on.

No smashing. For now.

Decision made, she flipped the mirror face down on the floor and quickly moved a hoofful of heavy brass telescopes on top, effectively building a stone wall in front of the mirror.

That would suffice.

The little pony at her feet was still knocked silly, so she ignored it and turned to her Elements. Twilight sprawled in a most uncharacteristic way on the floor, getting dirt on her usually spotless hide! Rarity sat, gasping for breath, hugging her wailing friend.

"What is going on?" Princess Moon demanded in a tone that brooked no argument.

"The worst. Thing. E-ever!" Twilight sobbed. "I stole my First Kiss and it tasted utterly, utterly viiile!" She broke down into incoherent sobs and hiccoughs.

"What?!"

Rarity panted and pointed to the purple pony at Luna's hooves. "We bumped into ourselves in that other universe and their Twilight kissed my Twilight and chased us through the mirror."

Princess Moon snorted a dismissive little snort. Little wimp! She had heard of stranger happenings and had kissed even stranger things with her own licorice lips. She focused her attention on this other Twilight… who stank like a bordello on Monday morning! Moon lowered her head to snuffle at the pony and savour the randy funk coming off of…

Him!

Dusk Shine groaned and opened his eyes.

He looked up, and up, and up, at the massive black pony looming over him, her muzzle a whisker away from his. Huge green eyes with slit pupils like a dragon's sent a jolt of fear through him! Then her black lips slowly peeled back into a feral white-fanged grin!

His mouth opened but the only noise brave enough to venture out was a high pitched squeak.

Princess Moon chuckled. A merry sound that was out of place for such a monster. She hadn't felt true petrifying fear like this in such a long, long time! Delicious! She scooped up the little stallion in her magic, hauling him into the air as she trotted for the door.

"Stay here and keep an eye on the mirror", she ordered the guard and paused a moment to speak with Rarity and Twilight. "Thank you for bringing me a new toy. Remain in the palace and cleanse yourselves in the royal baths. I'm certain my sister will wish to speak with you when she rises and you know how she hates an unkempt pony."

"Twilight?!" Dusk, turned upside down in Princess Moon's inflexible magical grasp, thrashed his legs uselessly. "Twilight, help me!"

But Twilight just sat there in Rarity's forelegs, shocked silent, staring at a stallion with her own colour, mane, and even her cutie mark on his rump. Tears and mascara trickled down her cheeks.

"If anypony needs me, we'll be in my bedchamber!" Moon's howling laughter echoed in the Observatory as she trotted off with Dusk in tow.

Rarity floated on her back, legs spread and limp, adrift in a hot tub fit for alicorn princesses.

Steaming floral-scented water soothed her tense muscles. She was exhausted after a sleepless night of 'adventuring' to strange worlds but the sound of scrubbing, splashing, and Twilight's angry muttering kept her from dozing off.

Twilight squatted on a slatted wooden floor in the washing area and fiercely scrubbed her hooves for the fourth time while also brushing her teeth. Her magic worked all five brushes with the furious determination of a pony washing away memories as well as the - by now imaginary - filth on her hide and in her mouth. Soap and toothpaste foam slurped down a drain as she tipped a bucket of hot water over herself.

Her gorgeous mane and tail hung limp and dripping, hours of work by the Palace's beauticians ruined, as Twilight stalked to the tub. Grumbling angrily she dunked a hoof, then practically threw herself in.

Wavelets rippled and broke around Rarity as Twilight slumped on one of the benches around the tub's rim.

Lazily rolling her head to gaze at her purple friend, Rarity asked, "Feeling any better?"

Brow deeply furrowed, Twilight pursed her lips and blew bubbles in the water. She sat up a little and said, "I feel a touch cleaner… on the outside."

Seeing her dear friend shudder despite the steaming hot water, Rarity rolled over and chest-stroked to the side of the tub and settled on the bench. She didn't say anything but just sat close to Twilight, letting her friend know that she was literally by her side in this trying time. She felt a tingling touch on her flank as Twilight's long tail was stirred by the hot tub's gentle current.

She shivered and felt a tiny bit guilty for the stolen caress.

Idiot! Pining after Princess Moon's apprentice. She was just as sappy as the object of her affection.

Twilight had devoured all of the fairy tale romances hidden away in Princess Moon's private collection. Books that were banned and burned, with only a few originals horded away in secret libraries. Why the princess had them was anypony's guess… she wasn't exactly the romantic type. In private, Twilight loved to gush over fantastic medieval heroes, noble princes, and fated romance. Memories of an age long-since liquidated by the glorious Pony Republic of Equestria.

Twilight frowned, her cheeks bulged, and Rarity counted down in her head, 'Five… Four… Three… Two… One… … Minus one… Minus two… Mi-'

Slightly off cue, Twilight huffed, "She kissed me, Rarity! I kissed me!" Water splashed as Twilight flailed her hooves. "A mare kissed me and it was sooo depraved! My First Kiss, my very First Kiss, tasted of apples and sweat and salted slugs! I'm ruined, Rarity! Ruined! No prince shall ever come to rescue! I'll languish forevermore in my dusty library, doomed to merely read of love and never, ever taste the sweet fruit of-"

"Twilight!" Rarity interrupted. "That wasn't your 'First Kiss'!"

Twilight sniffled and turned her head, an eyebrow arched in curiosity. "Nopony has ever kissed me before, and it most certainly was an, ugh, kiss. Of a sort. An unspeakable sort. Pray tell how that was not my First Kiss?"

The elegant, courtly mare was even more beautiful with her smeared mascara and heavy eye shadow scrubbed away. After a few moments gazing into Twilight's bloodshot eyes Rarity untangled her tongue and said, "Y-yes, it was a kiss. B-but if you think about it, you actually have kissed other ponies before. Your parents, your brother, Princess Moon's hoof…"

Twilight's brows furrowed as she pouted. "Those were not First Kisses."

"No and this wasn't either. First Kisses are romantic, magical, two-souls touching…" Rarity didn't believe a word of it. Twilight would go on and on and on about her silly romantic fantasies and though Rarity knew it was nonsense, it was kind of sweet that Twilight truly believed.

One of the many things Rarity luh luh luh… liked about her friend.

"I certainly would not want to touch the soul of that depraved version of myself." Twilight made a delicate 'blech' sound and stuck out her pink tongue. "But you are right. You're always right. I get in such a tizzy and you bring me back to my senses. Merci."

Twilight wrapped her forelegs around Rarity, drawing her in for a warm, wet, splashy hug in the hot tub. Hesitantly, Rarity responded, daring to touch and squeeze Twilight and burying her muzzle in her damp mane. She loved Twilight's scent, especially now that she was freshly bathed and not hiding her own beautiful odour with the overly rich perfume that she favoured.

"Rarity?"

With a soft 'mmhmm' Rarity snuffled next to Twilight's ear, lost in the sensation of their water slick coats pressing together. Their cheeks touched. It wouldn't take much to turn her head and plant a - hopefully real - First Kiss on Twilight's lips.

If only she dared.

"Rarity dear, are you quite alright?"

The hint of concern in Twilight's voice made Rarity jerk away with her ears and face blushing a bright pink. "S-sorry. It's… uh… too hot. And wet. Yes! Too hot and wet."

"Ma cher, are you feelin-"

"Not you! You're not too hot!" Rarity's eyes widened as she realised that Twilight might be insulted. "I mean, you are! You are hot! Totally hot! B-because you're in the tub! With me! We're both too hot and too wet! Together! In the tub!"

Drowning herself was the only sensible option! Quickly submerging did at least shut her fool mouth!

The double-doors to the bathing room slammed open and Princess Moon stomped in with a body-servant trailing behind. Sans royal regalia, her blue starry mane hid inside a very large, very pink towel done up in a tall beehive-shape atop her head.

Even Twilight, who had lived in Canterlot her entire life, didn't know what protocol dictated in this situation. One couldn't exactly perform an appropriate obeisances while neck deep in - as Rarity had helpfully pointed out at great length - hot and wet water.

Rarity broke surface and rubbed her eyes as Princess Moon eased her impressive bulk into the tub. The alicorn-rump-sized wave pushed her back to Twilight's side and she picked up where she'd left off with her blushing, stammering, and generally acting a complete foal.

Twilight ignored her silly friend and ducked her head down into a sort of sitting bow, dipping the end of her snoot in the water. She spluttered a little and said, "H-horrid, uh, morning I guess it is by now, Dear Princess. Did your tête-à-tête with that bizarre stallion go well?"

"Horrible morning, Twilight. Rarity."

Princess Moon waved to the servant and she quickly brought a silver tray with a bottle of exquisitely dark syrah, a crystal goblet, and selection of bitter chocolate bon-bons.

She snorted and said, "That little morsel was not entertaining at all! How am I supposed to have any fun if he keeps blacking out?" She waved her hooves in the air and let them fall into the tub with a splash.

"How rude", Twilight said.

The servant set her tray by the hot tub, filled the glass with ink-dark wine, and backed away to wait patiently with fluffy pink towels, monogrammed with a black crescent moon, draped over her back.

Princess Moon gobbled a bitter chocolate with a crunchy black widow centre, and offered the tray to Twilight and Rarity.

Twilight took one look at the chocolates shaped like spiders, mouse heads, and puddles of tentacles and shook her head. "Umm… thank you, but no thank you. Wouldn't want to spoil breakfast." Or throw up in the bath.

Princess Moon snickered and tossed a couple more into her maw. She hadn't really expected them to bite, but it was funny all the same. There was nothing quite like teasing the Tartarus out of her deliciously innocent right-hoof mare. At first, cultivating Twilight's naiveté had been a pain in the rump! But it was a necessary sacrifice. Moon had hid her collection of porn under her fortunately vast bed; frightened away anypony who might ask Twilight to the Grand Groaning Gala; and subtly encouraged her young student to enjoy romantic fantasy rather than earthy pleasures. She even guarded the little mare's dreams to keep them suitably foal-like. The most difficult thing was restraining her own healthy lust! Dragging Twilight off to devour that juicy romantic cherry had been a constant temptation. But she had to be kept innocent, pure, and ignorantly trusting to bring Daybreaker back.

Now, well, it was mostly just habit… and it was hilarious to make Twilight squirm.

"I gave up and threw him into a cold shower. He awoke briefly while I was scrubbing his backside, but one look at Old-Fang-Face next to his meat and two veg and his eyes rolled up and he was out like a light again." She grinned, showing off her long and pointy pearlies.

She eagerly anticipated her vague mention of the stallion's cock and balls reducing Twilight to flustered stammers and an adorable blush.

"Good." Twilight scowled.

Moon's eyebrows shot up and even Rarity stared.

Water splashed and bubbled.

The servant quietly stifled a cough.

"What?!" Twilight glanced between them.

"Ah, well, it's just not like you to be so angry", Rarity said in a soothing tone.

Twilight hmf'd. "You try being assaulted by some depraved version of yourself and see how you feel about it. That queer stallion may not have been the foul creature who kissed me but- Actually, perhaps it was! Perhaps it's a shape shifter?"

Princess Moon swallowed a gulp of wine so thick with tannin it could strip paint. "I very, very thoroughly examined our 'guest' and he's a simple unicorn like you, though marinated in a delicious crust of cum."

"C-c-c-c-…" Twilight's face flushed cherry red.

Moon grinned wickedly and licked her chops. Finally, she'd gotten the response she was looking for!

Twilight submerged to cool her head in the tub's steaming hot water.

Meanwhile, in the universe 'next door'… I mean the first one. The one with all the twins. I'll call it the 'Twinverse' from now on so it's clear, okay? Anyway…

There was something real queer about swinging a pickaxe at a mirror. Especially when, instead of shattering, the steel point just passed clean through and kicked up a puff of rock dust and pebbles.

Applejack waited until his sister got her pick clear and then swung his at the same spot. He winced. Expecting shards of glass to go flying. They'd been at this for half an hour and that fear wouldn't go away. The mostly silent impact was also pretty creepy. The only sound came through his teeth from the pick itself.

It bit deep and stuck. He tugged and the corner of a dark-grey square stone popped through the surface of the mirror.

"Yeehaw!" cried Applejack, "We'll be through this here wall in no time! Ah hope the others'll be done with their fancy math'magics soon. We gotta git Dusk back afore Twilight…" She trailed off and shook her head to clear the depressing thought from her mind.

"Come on, bro. Let's git back at it."

"Eeeyup."

Applejack wedged his prybar into the mirror's surface and began levering out the stone so Applejack could get her hooves on it.

Under the Observatory's dome the remaining Squires and the Sovereigns of the Night huddled around one side of the round table. Red, sleep-deprived eyes shocked open wide as Princess Luna served each of them a round of tiny moon-shots from her private coffee blend. Most held very still, aside from the odd tremor, afraid a ear-twitch might make them shatter. Pinkie and Bubble jiggled like hyperactive paint mixers beneath the Rainbow twins.

Ball gags had been deployed.

Twilight gazed at the oily, black surface of her shot for a few minutes before gulping it down in one hit while the others timidly sipped their foul tasting Elixirs of the Night Shift. She made a face at the bitterness but otherwise hardly reacted. Her limp mane's colours had faded almost completely to grey and her cutie mark was difficult to see as it lost contrast and blended into her drab coat. She felt nauseated, abandoned, and afraid. The throbbing hangover and sore plot didn't help. Why oh why had she let Blitz talk her into trying anal?

"Twilight?"

She jolted and looked into Prince Artemis' concerned eyes. "Uhh… What?! … Your Highness?"

He smiled encouragingly and his deep, mellow voice soothed her frayed nerves. "You were telling us what you had learned from our scans of the new universe."

"I was?" Twilight blinked and pawed at the scrolls lying on the table. "Oh, right. Umm…"

She shifted uncomfortably on her pillow while the other Squires looked on with concern evident in their eyes. Except for Rainbow Dash who sat on top of Bubble Berry's prone body. Her eyes were closed and she had a dopey smile on her muzzle thanks to the pink stallion's coffee-induced vibration.

"Umm…" Twilight umm'd and ran a hoof over her scribbled notes. "It looks like they don't have twins like us, just all mare Squires."

Like the version of herself she had drunkenly smootched before everything went to the diamond dogs. Twilight winced and went on, "They have a Princess Luna and a Princess Celestia, a Prince Sombra, Shining Armour, Princess Cadence. Umm… All the usual ponies we've found on the other Core universes really. The only relationship that I've found so far is Shining and Cadence, which is a bit strange. I can't figure out why we ended up 'near' them. Must've been a lot of skewing in other dimensions… Caused by… Umm…"

Princess Luna cleared her throat to get Twilight's attention. She asked, "Is there aught you have learned that will aid in determining a stratagem for your brother's safe return? As they have placed their mirror against a wall it seems they do not wish to parlay."

"Umm, well, if they've never seen a male Squire before they might just be shocked and curious about it. Once we break through the wall a few Squire pairs could go through and talk to them. A little friendly… uh… Wha's'a word? Diplomancy?"

Twilight's head wobbled and she just wanted to lie down and have a nap. Her head drooped before she snapped back upright and blinked her gummy eyes rapidly. No! No, she had to stay awake! If she fell asleep now, without Dusk, she'd never wake up! Such was the fate of all twins when one of the pair passed away. The other would Fade, sleep, and join their sibling in the afterlife. But Dusk couldn't be… be… No! It just because he wasn't in this universe anymore! Was there a way to prove it? Twilight listlessly shuffled her hooves over the mess of scrolls on the table.

Blitz growled, "I've got a better strata-thingy! I say me 'n sis dive through the mirror, we grab Dusky, fly him back and then dump that mirror into a hole in the ground. Wham, bam, thank you, dam! Job done." He squirmed and struggled to keep a fierce expression as Pinkie Pie jiggled and got a little hoofsy.

Elusive tut-tutted. "A valiant notion but I believe Twilight's idea of diplomacy is the more suitable plan. Why risk antagonising our new neighbours when this may be a simple misunderstanding?" Blitz glared at him and his white ears flushed a lovely shade of rose pink. "O-on the other hoof, perhaps we could keep a daring rescue as our backup plan?"

Princess Luna glanced at her brother and raised an eyebrow. After a moment of careful, majestic contemplation, his square chin dipped in a nod. They must try to wrap up this mess before their bossy older siblings awoke and made a stink.

"Very well", intoned Luna in her a very serious and dramatic voice. "The Squires of Generosity and Loyalty will visit this new universe and attempt to use diplomacy to win back Squire Dusk. If that fails, retrieve him by surprise and brute force."

Twilight nodded listlessly.

"The remaining Squire of Magic must also sojourn through the mirror", said Prince Artemis.

Wait! What?

"Buh? Wuh?" Twilight hardly felt the princess' calming nuzzle through the fog and numbness that was slowly consuming her.

"It is our best chance to halt your Fading. I know you don't wish to do this, that you feel sick unto death. But you should recover quickly on the far side of the mirror, Squire Sparkle. Come, let us delay no longer." His teal magic scooped her up and the gathering of Squires and Sovereigns broke away from the table. They trotted to the storage room to check the universe breaching team's progress.

Back to the other verse. Umm… 'Mooniverse'? Gods that's corny. 'Inverseverse, Reverseverse?' … 'Perverseverse?' Okay, that has a kind of poetry to it. Really awful poetry. Perfect.

Meanwhile in the Perverseverse…

General Blueblood nervously licked his lips and wondered for the umpteenth time how he kept letting himself be talked into ridiculous missions like this one. The guard should have sent one of the palace couriers, but they had all preferred a night in the dungeon over approaching Princess Moon's bedchamber. Even the guards had quaked in their armour at the thought.

He could hardly blame them.

With a nervous twitch he retrieved an envelope from inside of his uniform's tunic. It contained the Guard's message vis-a-vis the strange noises they had heard coming from the face-down mirror. He crouched and slid it under the door to the bedchamber, then stood straight and tall while gathering his courage. The scars on his regal hide and the many medals on his uniform spoke eloquently of his courage leading from the front but this was a foe on an entirely different scale. Surely, Auntie Moon wouldn't inflict her foul lusts on a relative? Even a distantly related one?

His throat felt too thick to manage a nervous swallow and he held his breath while slowly raising a hoof.

BANG! BANG! BANG! He hammered at the door, turned tail, and fled as quickly as his courageous hooves could carry him! Sometimes a rapid advance to the rear was the only sensible strategy.

"Baaarb! Spiiike! Somepony's at the door."

Not hearing any reply, Dusk Shine weakly struggled out of a soft comforter and blearily looked around.

Huh.

Weird. This wasn't their bedroom.

His fur bristled as he remembered.

This was HER room!

Dark-blue-almost-black walls spangled with glittering stars. Black velvet drapes over tall windows. Silver scroll-work on the wainscoting and furniture. A large 'X' shaped cross of stained oak with leather straps. The colossal bed he lay on was surrounded by bat-like curtains that echoed the wings of that monstrous alicorn!

He might have soiled the silky black sheets if his bowels weren't already completely empty from being tortured by that nightmarish version of Princess Luna.

Raw animal terror sharpened his senses.

She wasn't here!

This was his chance!

He muttered, "Move", to his stiff legs. "Move, move, move!"

With numb limbs he struggled to the edge of the bed and tumbled off to sprawl on the black marble floor. His skull throbbed with a terrible headache and his legs trembled like a newborn foal's. A small part of his dazed mind wondered if this was what a hangover felt like. He'd never had one before and started on a mental list of the novel symptoms in order to compare the experience with literature on the subject.

No!

No time for that!

He stallionfully struggled up onto his hooves and snuck to the door, warily glancing around the room with his ears perked for any sign of Princess Gelding-Fangs. He pressed an ear to the door but didn't hear anything other than his own ragged breath. Stepping back he grasped the door handle with his magic but hesitated when he spotted an envelope lying on the floor.

Giving in to curiosity, he scooped it up and tore it open.

TO: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCESS NIGHTMARE MOON STOP
FROM: LUNAR HOUSE GUARD SERGEANT ~~SWIF~~ FOR TARTARUS' SAKE STOP WRITING MY NAME STOP

UNUSUAL NOISE OBSERVED FROM MIRROR STOP ADVISE IF SAFE TO RAISE AND DETERMINE CAUSE STOP OH BUGGER IT STOPPED STOP AWAITING YOUR ORDERS STOP

He stared at the missive for a few moments before it clicked. A mirror? The runny mascara he'd seen on Twilight before that demonic version of Princess Luna hauled him away? Somehow he'd stumbled into another universe and it sounded like the other Squires must be trying to rescue him! He sighed with relief. They were coming for him! If he could sneak out of here and make his way to the Observatory, he'd be home.

He crumpled the note and stuffed it into the screaming mouth of a creepy bust. At least he hoped it was just a bust and not somepony who'd been turned to stone!

Crouching low he gently pushed the door open a little and peered out through the crack. The room looked just like Sovereigns of Loyalty's office back in his own universe.

Well, not exactly: Artemis and Luna didn't use whips, manacles, dildos, or pony statues dressed in latex gimp suits for decor.

With a shudder he tore eyes away from implements of sexy torture and crept out into the room. Thick carpet kept his numb hooves from making a sound as he took cover behind a black leather couch and snuck over to the open doorway out to a hall. From where he crouched he could just see a guard in dark purple armour standing on one side of the door and there was no doubt another on the other side.

Hmmm… How to get past them?

Perhaps an aural illusion? That nightmare's voice was similar to Princess Luna's, so he might be able to summon the guards into the bedchamber.

Dusk Shine closed his eyes and - though he felt weak, sore and dizzy - he focused on building the spell's matrix. First he had to 'hear' the phrase he wanted to cast in Princess Luna's voice. Something like 'Guards! Come at once!' might work? He would need to crank up the volume to make it eye-wateringly loud. Gathering the necessary magic to cast with was a struggle, more then it should be, but he persevered.

And… Ready… Steady…

"Fetch that useless lump from my bed at once!"

Guards galloped into the room as the spell's glow fizzled out from around Dusk's horn, uncast. He crouched low, trying to press himself into the carpet as Princess Moon's tall black figure stomped through the door. She had her mane up and wrapped in a ridiculous fluffy pink towel but the wicked zeal in her dragon's eyes struck terror in Dusk's heart. He squirmed quietly as his testicles tried to reascend into the relative safety of his churning guts.

"H-he's not here, Princess!" one of the guards shouted.

"WHAT?!" Dusk's ears rang as she stomped towards the bedroom and yelled, "Well look for him you dolts! Check under my bed! They always try to hide there!"

Dusk forced himself to stand. Now, while they were distracted was his chance! He tip-hooved towards the hall and straight into Rarity and Twilight. Twilight! He couldn't help himself, feeling lost and sick, the need to run to his sibling for comfort overrode all logic.

He threw himself at his sister in a grappling hug. "Twily! Thank the stars! I missed you so much!"

"Unhoof me you uncouth oaf!" she shouted into his ear while struggling to push him away.

Princess Moon stuck her head out of the bedchamber and cackled. "Never mind! Got him!"

Clapped in chains! Stuffed into a gimp suit! Strapped to the cross and flogged! Tossed back onto the monster's stained bed sheets and violated with rubber… things!

Dusk feared that any and all of these would happen after he was prised away from Twilight, so it was a shock when he was cordially invited to breakfast.

This universe's version of Rarity cordially invited him anyway.

The monstrous princess simply scooped him up in her magic and dragged him along while Twily - not his Twily - glared at him while working a brush through her stylish mane.

He'd been an impulsive foal!

He and Twily, his sister, not this other mare, weren't concerned with appearances. Ink-stained hooves, a short mane and tail that were easily washed and ignored, no makeup, an interest in fancy clothing that could only be measured in negative integers. Why bathe every day when there were so many books left unread?!

No, this Twilight was not his sister.

Instincts howled at him to clutch at her like a security blanket, but her glare made it clear he'd be lucky to get away with all his limbs if he tried again.

Princess Stompy-Hooves carried him into a small dining room that was beautifully decorated in the same blacks, blues, and purples with silver highlights as her bedroom. On one wall hung a token Sun-themed banner woven from white silk and gold thread but otherwise the hall was stamped with her Night theme. In the centre, a dining table surrounded by comfy-looking sitting pillows for a dozen ponies.

The princess' magic dropped him unceremoniously onto one of them while she settled at the head of the table, lithe as a panther stalking prey. Rarity and Twilight sat next to one another on the opposite side from Dusk.

Princess Moon lifted a small bell carved from transparent crystal from the table and rang it. The beautiful, delicate chime was followed by a bellowed, "BREAKFAST!"

A half-dozen servants rushed into the room, some bearing trays and others pushing little carts. They quickly set the table with coffee, tea, milk and cream, shugar, muffins, scones, croissants, pancakes, cakes, jams, syrup, honey, butter, eggs prepared in a variety of ways, bacon, ham, and a tropical forest of fruits.

Dusk winced as he rubbed his abused ears and then again when the stink of rancid cooked flesh wafted into his nostrils. The meat was set at the princess' end of the table but the reek was inescapable and his already queasy tummy threatened to empty itself!

Rarity and Twilight seemed immune.

Rarity quickly assembled hers and Twilight's usual breakfasts on their plates: toast, Eggs Henedict, fruit for herself and fancy quiche for Twi. Twilight occupied herself with the complex ritual of brewing fresh tea.

Dusk didn't didn't want to seem ungrateful, especially since being invited to breakfast had gotten him out of that horrific bedroom, so he took a croissant and nibbled one pointy end.

"Tea, Mr… ah…?" asked Rarity, levitating the pot over to his cup.

She was the only pony at the table who acknowledged his presence, but her attempt at polite conversation was forced and awkward.

"D-Dusk Shine and yes, please." He glanced at her, smiled and felt his face and ears growing hot. It was difficult meeting her eyes without remembering the moment she'd cried out while his face was buried between her silky white thighs. No. Not this Rarity, but a Rarity. His limbic system and gonads couldn't tell the difference.

She finished pouring and glanced at him. "Are you alright, Mr Dusk Shine? You're pale and… sweaty."

Twilight snorted and muttered, "Disgusting", before raising her snooty muzzle and looking pointedly away from him.

"I do feel kinda ill", he admitted and distracted himself with adding milk and shugar to his tea. He glanced at the princess who was gobbling down tubes of fried pig intestine that had been auto-cannibalistically stuffed with other parts of the unfortunate swine. He felt disgusting, but she was several orders of magnitude more revolting!

For Rarity this breakfast was surreal experience. A little like chatting with a funhouse reflection of the powerful, refined, desirable mare sitting by her side. This 'Dusk Shine' was so physically similar to Twilight that she felt slightly flushed and her tongue was one misplaced word away from a flustered stammer. But he had none of the courtly mage's refinement or poise. An anti-Twilight pleb. What she might have become if Her Highness hadn't adopted her… and if she'd been born with a penis. Even his fur colour was pale and washed out compared with Twilight's rich, silky smooth coat and mane.

"You really should eat more, Mr Dusk Shine. Some fruit or a muffin… or do they eat meat where you're from?"

A loud rumbling growl came from the feral beast at the head of the table.

Princess Moon glared with her sharp fangs sunk into a toast and bacon sandwich. Butter, grease, and saliva dripped from her maw as dark magic slithered around the various plates of meat and slid them closer.

"No!" Dusk yelped. "No, we don't. Ah… perhaps I'll just have some fruit?" His wavering magic plucked a few grapes and placed them on his plate, though his appetite had fled the room leaving him stranded with a mouthful of salty saliva.

"Ummm…" Rarity fumbled for something to talk about to relieve the tension. "Maybe you could tell us something about your world? You have a sister who looks like Twilight?"

Dusk nodded numbly and said, "Yes, and my twin sister is also called Twilight." Poor Twily - she was probably frantic right now. "Everypony has a twin in my universe."

Rarity gasped with delight and asked, "I have a twin brother in your universe?" She imagined a vaguely masculine version of herself modelling the latest sartorial styles. While she specialised in clothing for mares, it would be an interesting challenge to tailor something for her otherworldly 'cousin'.

"Yes, his name is Elusive."

Princess Moon growled, "And what of me? There are two of me over there?" That could be tricky if they were going to conquer the place, though interrogating a version of herself who was equipped with a schlong could be amusing. Very amusing.

Dusk winced at Princess Moon's disturbing giggle and said, "There's nopony quite like you… Princess." Thank the stars, Moon, Sun, and earth beneath their hooves.

"Ah ha ha ha haaa…" Moon covered her disappointment with an insane cackle, spraying bread crumbs and bacon bits. "Excellent!" Ah yes, keeping the useless lump of flesh around and plying him with food and friendly conversation was proving an effective a tactic for extracting information. Just as her sister's boring lessons in diplomacy had promised! Though it was nowhere near as much fun as a quality-time in the dungeons.

The three unicorns grimaced and reached for their napkins. Dusk caught Twilight looking at him as he wiped his cheek but when she noticed that he'd seen her she let out a little 'hmf' and turned away. He looked across at Rarity, she shrugged and smiled wanly while flicking something unpleasant from her short mane.

Dusk forced himself to eat one of the grapes and washed it down with a sip of tea. Setting the cup down he cleared his throat, stood up and said, "That was delicious, thank you. Ah, may I be excused?"

"SIT YOUR RUMP DOWN!"

Dusk collapsed onto the pillow in his frantic need to obey that Voice and sit his rump back down immediately!

Princess Moon briefly delighted in the waves of fear rolling from the quivering lump of barely-a-stallion but then wilted a little under Rarity and Twilight's disapproving stares. Fiiine. She could take a hint. This was exactly the kind of diplomatic triviality that her sister was trying to teach her about… and Tia would be joining them at any moment! Time to trot out the velvet stockings for her iron hoof, lest she have to endure another dire, soft spoken lecture on good manners.

She coughed and in a dulcet if growling tone she said, "I mean… Please remain seated. First you must meet my little sister, Princess Daybreaker, and between us We Shall Decide YOUR FATE!"

Darn it!

She'd carried away again at the end and spoilt it.

Hearing that he would meet this insane universe's version of Princess Celestia kicked Dusk hard in his amygdala! Legs tensed to leap up and obey frantic telegraphs from the Head Office to relocate, post haste! Moon's glaring dragon's eyes kept his rump firmly planted on his pillow.

He swallowed the dry rocky lump in his throat.

Princess Celestia was the kindest, wisest, most sensible of the Sovereigns in his own universe. In this one, maybe she was the opposite of her… big sister? 'Big' sister?!

Rarity refreshed his tea and seemed about to pick up the broken remains of their conversation, when the doors on the other side of the dining room silently swung open on well-oiled hinges.

Princess Daybreaker trotted majestically into the room with Raven Inkwell walking by her side. Rarity and Twilight immediately stood and - after a nod from Princess Moon - Dusk wobbled up onto his hooves as well.

Daybreaker really was the little sister.

She was shorter than Raven!

He lost sight of her behind the table as they approached, but her white horn and pink mane bobbed above the edge of the table; she had a curly mop that would have looked at home on Pinkie or Bubble. Daybreaker was obviously experiencing the proportionate dwarfism that long duration starvation of magic induced in alicorns, who were otherwise eternal in nature. The Lunar Sovereigns had been similarly diminished by their exile to the Moon, though not to this extreme.

Raven lent Her Highness a helping-hoof to climb up onto a booster pillow.

Moon pounded on her chest with a hoof and burped loudly. She grinned and cheerfully shouted down the long table, "Gōdne morgen, besorgu lýtling sweostor!"1

Daybreaker smiled and nodded her small, graceful head. "Gōdne morgen, Móna."2 Her melodious voice was only an octave higher than his own Princess Celestia's, which sounded strangely deep and resonant coming from such a little pony.

Twilight, Rarity and Raven Inkwell settled onto cushions now that both princesses were seated. After a moment of blank-minded staring at the diminutive Sun Princess, he tore his rude eyes away and plonked his rump down onto his pillow. He wasn't certain how this 'deciding of his fate' was supposed proceed but for the next few minutes it was just a gaggle of ponies quietly sipping, nibbling, and trying to ignore Princess Moon's open-mouthed smacking and chewing on greasy pig corpse. Dusk prodded a grape in a circuit round his plate and stole a glance at Princess Daybreaker out of the corner of his eye. Was she waving a small gold-shod hoof at him? Yes, yes she was. Swallowing a nervous lump he politely turned to face her.

Her calm voice was a soothing balm to his shout-raw ears. "Ƿes hāl. Hū hātest þū?"3

Raven set her large coffee mug down and translated. "Her Highness greets you and asks-"

He cut her off. "Ƿes hāl. Ic hātte Dusk Shine. Ēadig, þeċ tō mētenne, cwénsdohtor Dægbrecaþ."4 Having read many, many, many Middle Eoh scrolls Dusk knew the language well enough, though he could only hope that his grammar and pronunciation weren't too awful.

(They were.)

Princess Daybreaker grinned and merrily clapped her hooves together. For a moment she looked very much like a excited teenager who'd just been given tickets to a concert - if said teenager had freakish black eyes with fiery gold irises.

Dusk Shine shuddered slightly over how creepy that looked on an otherwise youthfully-innocent Princess Celestia.

What followed was more of an interrogation than a conversation as she politely demanded that Dusk tell her everything that had led to his sudden arrival in Her realm. The questions were asked in a soothing, polite way but were also very direct. A teacher grilling a student during an oral exam. He was hard pressed to gloss over the more… intimate details of how the Squires had rescued their universe. She seemed satisfied with the explanation that the various Squires had 'dated' one another, but by the twinkle of amusement in her unsettling eye, Dusk feared that his euphemism hadn't fooled her for a second.

Rarity's heart beat a little faster as she listened to this handsome stranger displaying an unexpected and dreamily academic skill with his tongue…

With tongues!

Language!

Mind out of the gutter, miss. She was vaguely familiar with Middle Eoh from her research of ancient fashion trends, but she could only pick up a few words of their conversation. With a delighted grin she elbowed Twilight, but quelled her gushing praise of Dusk. Twilight's ears were flat and her lips bunched and twisted in a snarl. Oh, right… That Twilight's freakish, otherworldly 'twin' could speak with Daybreaker would be an grating reminder of own self-inflicted ignorance.

While attending Princess Moon's Coven for Tyrannical Unicorns,Twilight had used her many sycophants to translate old scrolls while she snuck off to read romances. That fateful day of Daybreaker's return, after all the fire and fury was dealt with, she couldn't even speak to the Royal High Solar Majesty she'd fought so hard to save!

Rarity turned back to follow the conversation and it was getting to an interesting bit - going by Dusk's red face and garbled mispronunciations of Princess Moon's name, 'captive', and 'bedchamber'. Suddenly he gasped, his eyes rolled back into his head and he keeled over onto the table while a bright glow of magic coursed over his body! Where the wave of shimmering light passed, his faded fur burst into rich colour that matched Twilight's coat perfectly.

Daybreaker blinked in surprise, looked at her sister and raised an eyebrow. "Moony, what mischief hath thou wrought upon him?"

"Who, mineownself?" Moon raised her hooves in a placating manner and protested, "I admit freely that I hath terrorised him, molested him, and there may hath been some tongue lashings - thou knowest our nature - but of this here now, I knowth nought more than thee."

Twilight and Rarity glanced back and forth between the two alicorns, not following a word of the rapid exchange in Middle Eoh.

Dusk groaned and suddenly realised why he'd been feeling so horrible - it hadn't been a hangover at all but The Fading!

"T-Twily…"

Twilight grimaced and jabbed a fork at the cad. "You stay away from me you heinous grabber and groper, you!"

Dusk sat up, laughed and inhaled a deep, relieved breath that was somewhat spoilt by the stench of rotting pig. He waved a dismissive hoof in her direction and said, "No, not you… My Twilight! My sister. She's here!"

Princess Moon leapt up onto her hooves and roared, "WHAAAT?!" Dusk squeaked as her magic scooped him up like a bushel of apples and she stormed out of the dining room shouting, "GUARDS! TO THE OBSERVATORY, NOW!"

With her hooves pressed over her ears Rarity wailed, "Could somepony please explain what's happening?"

With a sigh Princess Daybreaker pushed away her half eaten slice of carrot cake and muttered something in Middle Eoh.

Raven grimaced and translated, "Apparently, we're being invaded."

1 - P. Moon: Good morning, dear little sister!
2 - P. Day: Good morning, Moon.
3 - P. Day: Hello. Who are you?
4 - Dusk: Hello. My name is Dusk Shine. Nice to meet you, Princess Daybroke.

Earlier, back in the Twinverse…

There was something about a stallion in armour.

It wasn't haute couture by any stretch of the imagination but the stunning display of muscular physique and martial metal made Elusive's heart skip a beat. He tugged one last strap tight on Rainbow Blitz's crupper and patted his flank, "There. All set, sweetie."

"Don't call me sweetie."

Blitz also wasn't keen on 'honey', 'nuzzle-pie', 'daaarling' or 'munchairy'… Whatever the buck that meant. He was a STALLION not some froo-froo filly!

But when his frustrated gaze met those beautiful blue eyes and he saw Elusive's sweet smile, further protests died on his lips. Whether he liked it or not - and he sorta did - his heart had been claimed by a froo-froo stallion. He put his lips to better use than bitching, and leaned forward to lightly smootch the unicorn. Only to have his cheeks cupped in tingling magic as he was pulled into a much more passionate kiss.

Pinkie Pie's soft cry of "Awwwww" made his ears flush cherry red.

Warm wet tongue-wrestling was interrupted by Blitz' sister hip-checking him, making her matching armour crash loudly against his. "Keep in your sheath, Lover-Colt. Heh! We got work to do."

Donning full plate and chainmail was a terrible idea for a pair of pegasi who who were all about speed, not lift. But the shiny clattering plates strapped to the Rainbow Twins were foil-thin metal on balsa - designed to impress rather than protect. Costumes for mock-warriors advertising Las Pegasus casinos. That didn't stop Dash and Blitz from puffing their chests, strutting, and being even more insufferably cocksure than usual.

Princess Luna eyed the Elements of Loyalty attached to their shiny peytrals and had sixth and seventh thoughts about sending the powerful artifacts to a different universe. If the Squires didn't come back they were so, so screwed! Sol and Tia would be furious and it'd be 'to the mooooon' time all over again. Oh well, she'd grown tired of daily Court sessions and another thousand-year break might be nice.

Artemis noticed his sister's gloomy glances at the Elements and patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, it will be fine."

"Make sure we bring the HexBox and Nightmarecast this time."

He chuckled warmly and nodded, "Of course, though it won't come to that. Have some faith in our Squires."

Blitz nipped his sister's ear in revenge for breaking up his froo-froo time. She honked her outraged surprise and they blasted around the small room's ceiling as she tried to bite his tail.

Luna sighed heavily, frowned and stared at Artemis with half-lidded eyes.

He nibbled on his lower lip for a moment and quietly said, "Fair point. I'll pack our Friendship the Gathering cards and an overmillenia bag - just in case."

Oh well, there was little reason to put this off any longer…

"Squire Elusive?!"

Elusive tore his eyes away from the flying carousel ponies and trotted over to stand at attention before Prince Artemis and Princess Luna. He saluted smartly and said, "Yes, darl… Ahem. Yes, Your Highnesseses?"

His Element, a brilliant blue diamond, was pinned to a red silk cravat wrapped around his neck and tucked into the crisp collar of a slim, double-breasted jacket of blue sharkskin. Elusive had toned down his usual flamboyant style as he and his sister were to lead Equestria's negotiations with Other-Equestria. In the dusty meeting rooms that awaited he would portray the 'Bad Guard' to his sister's 'Good', and he needed to project a sober and business-like personae. Of course his sister had many more options when it came to her ensemble - something which Elusive bitterly envied. Sartorial fashion was always so dull and drab compared with what mares could get away with! Rarity wore a tight-fitting dress made of shimmering beryl samite, spangled with glittering diamonds sewn in swirling patterns. An understated tiara graced her brow while her Element rested at the base of her slender neck, as centrepiece for a silver choker. A small taste of Equestria's regal nobility.

Together they would negotiate for Dusk Shine's release and an initial treaty for contact between their two universes.

Normally, the Squires of Magic would take these roles. With them out of action, Elusive and Rarity's experience dickering over bolts of expensive fabric would have to see them through! Royal court was not world away from a raucous rialto after all.

Elusive smiled hopefully and waited for Prince Artemis' orders.

"Is everypony ready?" asked the prince.

"More-or-less." Elusive glanced up at the squabbling Rainbow twins.

Princess Luna barked, "Squires of Loyalty! Front and centre!"

In a blast of wind and feathers they landed on either side of Elusive and saluted.

Rarity sensed her cue and snapped her blush compact shut. She trotted over to join them and asked, "Has anypony seen Twilight?"

Butterscotch had been waiting for the right moment so he could politely interrupt and now was the perfect time! He had to let everypony know just how upset he was! Frustrated to tears with how much time they were wasting while poor Twilight's condition grew worse by the moment.

"Um…"

Rarity glanced at him and saw Twilight slumped over in his hooves, fast asleep. "Oh my stars and bridles! She's fallen into the Last Sleep! Rainbows! Go, go, go!"

There was a momentary scuffle while both Dash and Blitz tried to dive into the mirror at the same time.

In the Perverseverse…

Rainbow Dash's inner ears protested as she came out of the mirror. She was falling! Her wings snapped out from her sides and slowed her fall as she opened her eyes.

Blitz passed through the mirror and also fell, crashing into his sister's rainbow flagged bum as she hovered in place. Normally, he would have been turned-on by this but his helmet smashed into her crupper and made a horrible sound - like being thrown down the stairs with an entire kitchen's worth of pots and pans. They briefly tangled and then separated as Blitz's wings fwoomped open.

They were outside, having fallen through a crudely chiselled hole in the stonework ceiling above them. It was the underside of the 'cap' on a mushroom-shaped tower which was the spitting image of the Observatory back home. Though it was made of almost-black granite, instead of white marble, and decorated with silver stars and half Moons.

The Observatory in both universes was on the west edge of Canterlot, perched over a sheer cliff which dropped into a deep valley.

Back in the Twinverse…

Elusive bravely galloped towards the mirror and cried, "Allons-y, chère sœur!"

Perverseverse again…

Rainbow Dash stared at the boulder strewn valley floor, hundreds of metres below her hooves, and yelped, "We have to stop them!"

"No time!"

Elusive dropped through the mirror's shiny surface and screamed like filly as he whipped past the Rainbows.

Blitz dove after him and yelled, "Catch Rarity!"

Staring up at the mirror with wild eyes, Dash yelled back, "Who's gonna catch-"

Twinverse…

Twilight Sparkle rubbed her muzzle and whined, "Why did you kick me?"

"Saawreee! That was one HECK of a twitch-a-thrash!" Pinkie Pie panted and wiggled happily on the sweat-soaked bed sheets. "I never ever ever felt one like that before."

Twilight licked her lips and giggled, "Wow! I'll have to write Tongue Twister and praise his guide on genito-lingual technique."

"Naaah! You're not that good, Twilywily."

Pinkie leapt to her hooves, almost bouncing a crushed-looking Twilight off of the bed. "HEY! There you are!" Super-duper excited, she flails her hooves at you and yells, "Hiii, everymonkey!"

"Pinkie! What in Equestria are you-"

"Nooo, don't go! I like it when you wa-"

Ahem! In the actual Twinverse…

Prince Artemis gently scooped up Twilight's limp, grey body in his magic and carried her to the mirror. Princess Luna sighed and solemnly draped necklaces with both Elements of Magic around Twilight's neck.

Artemis nuzzled her ashen mane, murmured, "Good luck, little one", and floated her into the mirror.

Perverseverse…

A wave of light washed over Twilight.

She gasped and her eyes fluttered open. A breeze that quickly grew into a roar streamed through her short mane and she could swear she heard somepony yell her name. As she limply tumbled she saw a stone wall whipping past; Rainbow twins, Elusive, Rarity; the underside of the Observatory's dome; sky, clouds, birds; tiny trees far away, and sharp boulders rapidly approaching.

"Eep!"

Her pupils shrank to pin pricks.

A sleepy fog of half-formed dreams burned away.

Facts, figures, runes, incantations, physics formula, and anatomical trivia didn't so much dance through her head as collide in a violent mosh pit.

Shiny's Sturdy Shield? Kinetic energy from this height would easily overpower a shield's internal damping and she would be turned into pony pizza against the inner surface. Wonderous Wing Transformation? There was enough time to cast but only the skeletal structure would form before she impacted the ground… or the ground impacted her. It was relative. Relatively awful no matter how she looked at it. Even if the matrix simplification she invented on the fly (ha!) would actually speed wing development, there was no time to learn how to use them. She'd read every treaties and foal's book on the subject of pegasi flight, sending graded copies with red marks for poor grammar and punctuation to the authors, but she was painfully aware that knowledge was no substitute for experience. Fifty Grades of Hay and Venus im Peltz hadn't prepared her for the Shipping Gala, had they? Stars but her anus hurt. Gah! Not helping! Blind teleportation? The risk of materialising inside of something solid should be minimal but kinetic energy would still be lethal unless she could find - a quick calculation - a five metre deep feather bed to teleport over. She estimated an 83% chance of a successful telekinetic grapple to the tower wall whipping past, but the required tensile strength for a connecting field to stop her mass at terminal velocity would transfer a load via her horn that would be more than sufficient to internally decapitate. Boosting the connecting field's elastic coefficient to avoid that would give her 0.34 seconds of modest deceleration before losing the grapple. Not enough to decrease velocity for a survivable impact with the (BUCK ME!) rapidly approaching terrain! Multiple, sequential grapples with an exponentially decreasing success rate per attempt was better than nothing and might buy her time to come up with a better solution. Her horn lit as she cast the first grapple. A relatively simple spell it left her free to hyperventilate, ready the next grapple, consider other spells, calculate forces, velocities, and estimates of injury severity.

Twilight was completely silent as she dropped away from her fellow Squires.

Blitz struggled to hold onto Elusive as the terrified unicorn squealed and thrashed. Teeth clenched, eyes watering, he helplessly watched Twilight's death plunge.

Rainbow Dash was just as tangled up with Rarity, but when it came to daring rescues Dash had one big advantage over her brother: she wasn't in love with the mare shrieking into her ear.

"Back in a sec!" she yelled and threw Rarity upward as hard as she could.

Wings clawing at the air, Dash dove after Twilight, hooves stretched out forward and aft, and tail whipping behind her like feathers on an arrow.

Twinverse… I hope.

Prince Artemis swallowed the lump in his throat and turned away from the mirror to address the remaining Squires. "Ahem. Please claim your Elements from the armoury box-" he gestured at the iron-bound chest "-for in case we do not receive good news within the hour."

The remaining Squires slowly walked to the war-chest - the pink ones bounced, but they bounced solemnly. The mood of reluctant but determined preparation was shattered by Rarity's despairing wail as her head and flailing fore legs briefly popped through the mirror and were dragged beneath its surface again.

Squires and Sovereigns gaped in shocked silence at the mirror.

…

"Erm… Whut do we do if we gits bad news?"

Perverseverse…

Three moonfoals stood around the mirror, their fuzzy ear tips twitching at muffled yells and screams from beneath their hooves. Scattered playing cards, half-eaten bags of mango-crisps, and an empty hip-flask littered the floor.

Eeeiiie*ee (Red Fangs) glanced at his subordinates; Ee-ee-eee (Patter of Blood Dripping) and *iie*eee (Really Spooky).

He coughed and chirped, "It's your turn, Private Dripping."

The yells and shrieks of terror had faded to silence, but somepony had to go report this to the Sergeant.

"Yeah!" Spooky nodded enthusiastically and squeaked, "I reported the diggy-diggy sound, it's your turn, Drippy."

Dripping squealed and clicked a stream of Moonfoalese curses as she gathered her discarded helmet, spear, and silver moonshine-flask. "Fine! I'll go. But you guys'd better clean this place up in case he wants to see for himself."

"You heard her, Private Spooky. See to it."

Dripping's hooves clip-clopped on the Observatory's floor as she reluctantly ambled to the tower's stairs down. Her ears twitched at a distant thunder of stomping hooves and she stopped to cupped a bat-like wing over an ear. Princess Moon's shouts echoed weirdly up the spiral stairs.

Dripping's eye twitched and she whirled to gallop back to the storage closet.

Bursting in she breathlessly squeaked, "She's coming!"

Red Fangs and Really Spooky gasped! There was no need to ask who 'She' was!

All three of them scrambled to clean the mess, tossing it behind crates filled with random stargazing crap. They grabbed their helmets, spears, and foam ear plugs, and lined up in more-or-less parade stance. Princess Moon stormed into the room with Dusk Shine in tow, and they bowed, touching twitching snoots to cold stone.

Princess Moon posed dramatically, dominating the room with her huge black body and flailing blue mane of stars. She cut loose with a laugh that she had spent centuries carefully crafting to strike fear into her enemies giblets.

"BWAAAAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA! GUARDS! SEIZE THE-"

She stopped, frowned, and glared at the mirror and its annoying absence of invaders to thrash.

It was exactly as she had left it: face-down and pinned by several telescopes. No heavily armed and armoured ponies spoiling for a fight - just three of her beloved moonfoals. She stalked over to them as the twenty-or-so palace guards she had collected along the way noisily filed into the room behind her. Her cute little descendants sat up and perkily saluted with their fetching leathery wings.

She caught the heady scent of moonshine on their breath and her mouth stretched in an approving grin. "Report!"

"We heard screams coming from the mirror", squeaked Lieutenant Fangs.

"Screams?"

"Yes, Your Dark Majesty!"

She cocked an ear to listen but there was just confused mutterings from the guards and whining from the useless lump as he struggled to escape her magical clutches.

Foal!

She could feel his writhing and wriggling; the impact of his hooves as he bucked and punched; a slight tingle as his weak telekinesis probed her own mighty grip on his fear-soaked and sweaty body. It was sad. It was pathetic. It was starting to make her nethers moist… Yesss… Struggle little stallion as I squeeze you inside of my-

Everypony was staring at her.

"Ahem!" She set her sexy wool-gathering aide for later and stomped over to the mirror.

With a casual flick she threw the heavy, brass telescopes across the room where they made a delightful crash of metal and shattering glass. She flipped the mirror upright and set to one side, revealing a large hole in the floor. The dim and dusty storage room was flooded with dawn's first light and gusts of cool air.

"Oh. My. Stars… This is just delicious", Princess Moon cooed. She spread her wings as she leaned over the hole and gazed down into the rocky valley far below. She floated Dusk Shine closer until his sweaty cheek was mashed up against her own and she forced him to look at the beautiful vista.

"Witness the splattery fate of your would-be rescuers, little lump. Isn't it delightful?"

She was just starting to get a good cackle going when an orange earth pony with a blond mane, wearing full plate armour, came charging through the mirror and crashed into her side.

"Fer Equestri- Oof!"

The little mare bounced off of course, but caught by surprise, Princess Moon staggered. Before she could recover a much larger orange-with-blond-mane stallion in armour slammed into her, and they sprawled across the floor.

Princess Moon's magic flickered out, dropping Dusk toward the hole and a long fall to the valley below!

Pinkie Pie and Bubble Berry burst through the mirror in a blinding explosion of colourful confetti, balloons and streamers. Dusk scrambled away from certain death as the pink ponies leapt on top of Princess Moon and began smacking her head and rump with bright red squeaky-hammer toys.

Butterscotch and Fluttershy flew out of the mirror - not actually flying but clutching onto one another with their eyes tightly screwed shut - they shrieked pitifully as they crashed down on top of Princess Moon.

Confused guards and moonfoals stared as the confetti settled and their Princess of Shadows, their Mother of the Night, their Midnight Terror, lay sprawled on the floor and took it like a bitch.

"ENOUGH!" she screamed and surged back to her hooves, hurling most of the Squires off - Pinkie and Bubble hung on and kept smacking her with squeaky toys.

"DUNGEON!" she thundered!

After a moment of confusion over who was going to the dungeon, themselves or the invaders, the moonfoals and House Guard surged forward with blood curdling yells and adorable high-pitched chirps of rage.

Author's Note

I loath footnotes in novels, but hopefully I've used them appropriately and they're not too distracting. (Please don't misunderstand: I do love Mr Pratchett's epic stories and Changeling Space Program, but my gods the never-ending stream of footnotes is almost physically painful for me. :raritydespair:)

Please PM me if you spot any typos or if you're actually literate in Middle English (rather than just looking phrases up online, like me) and spot a problem with my 'Middle Eoh' dialog. :twilightsmile:

Various fixes courtesy of Cross Lament. :heart: