The squad car radio crackled and spluttered to life. "Dispatch to squad. An APB has been issued for a narcotics suspect; Silver Swift's Burgers, 17th and Hurricane. Unit to handle, identify."
Copper swallowed a mouthful of doughnut, her chins creasing as she turned her head to face her partner in the driver's seat. "Can we take that?"
Her partner, a young stallion by the name of Day Tripper, nodded. "Yeah, we're close enough. Dispatch, car seventeen. We can handle the APB on the narcotics suspect, over."
"Copy, seventeen. 10-40, get it handled. Dispatch out."
Copper nodded with satisfaction and leaned back in her seat, her huge belly jutting out to the point where ovals of fat were showing through her shirt buttons. She hadn't been sure about Day Tripper at first. Young, meek, fresh out of the academy, she had feared he would be little more than a liability. But fortunately, he had taken to his job and learned the ropes very quickly. As they had worked together, they had quickly become firm friends as well as partners. Also, Day had the added benefit of still being able to run, unlike the mass of blubber that was Copper Top.
"So what do you think?" he asked her. "Another poison joke bust?"
Copper nodded grimly. "Wouldn't surprise me. That crap's been infesting the city like a plague of rats. There was a raid on a joke party a couple of nights ago, and that alone nearly filled the cells back at the station." She shook her head. "And the perps were Faust-damned kids—none of them looked older than their mid-twenties."
"It's messed up," Day agreed as he inched the patrol car through the heavy Manehattan traffic. "It's like the joke trade just popped up overnight here."
"Hey, this is it," Copper said, pointing with a fat finger. "Pull up here."
Silver Swift's Burgers operated out of a food truck, and was a popular name with the locals. If the APB was anything to go by, Copper noted with more than a touch of cynicism, a particular type of customer base would have been growing very quickly in the past few days.
"Dispatch, car seventeen, 10-23 at Silver Swift's Burgers," Day reported, before stepping out of the car and striding authoritatively towards the burger van. Copper Top, naturally, took a bit longer to squeeze her fat ass out. She was all too aware that anypony walking past had a nice view of her ass crack as she straightened up. Adjusting her hat on her head, she set her face in stone as she waddled up to join Day, who was patiently waiting for her.
"Back door," Copper noted, pointing to the rear of the van. "I'll cover that, make sure our dealer pal has nowhere to run. You go and do the talking."
"Got it," Day nodded. Steeling himself, he stepped to the front of the van, where he was greeted by Silver Swift herself. A rotund grey pegasus mare in her late twenties, she certainly looked like a pony who enjoyed her burgers.
"Afternoon, officer," she said cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"
"You can start talking," Day said, hands on hips. "We got word that your business is a front for pushing poison joke onto the streets. What do you say to that?" He glanced to the side to confirm that Copper was in position.
"P... poison joke?" Silver's smile wavered slightly as her own eyes darted from side to side briefly. "Uh, no, I just sell burgers here. I dunno where-"
"Really," Day said flatly. "So the APB we got giving your business's name was a lie, was it?"
"I... o-one moment please, officer," Silver said, sighing as she placed her hands on the counter... before throwing a ketchup bottle at Day. It didn't hurt him, obviously, but that moment's distraction was all she needed to start running...
...straight into Copper's pillow-like belly. Silver gasped as she felt herself being bounced back, before her arm was grabbed roughly and twisted behind her back. Before she knew it, she was laying with her face pressed against the pavement with Copper pinning her arms behind her.
"Aggh!" she shrieked. "What in Tartarus?! This... this is police brutality!"
"Shut up and stay down!" Copper snapped, tightening her grip and causing Silver to cry out in agony. Meanwhile, Day stepped inside the van, examining the fryer and boxes closely for anything suspicious. One box in particular caught his attention—it looked smaller than the others.
Bending down, Day opened up the box, and broke into a wide grin as he saw that it was filled to the brim with bright blue powder tightly wrapped in plastic bags. There must have been ten kilos of poison joke there, at least.
"Jackpot!" he called, holding a package aloft. "She's got half of the Everfree Forest hidden in here!"
"Nice work, partner," Copper grinned, before pressing a knee into Silver's back. "Got anything to say about that?"
"Ah-AAAAAGGGHH!! Okay, okay!" Silver screamed, bolts of pure pain shooting through her arms. "I sell a little on the side! So what?! Get your hands off me, you... you damn pig thug!"
"We'll continue this conversation back at the station. You're under arrest," Copper said, pulling her roughly to her feet. "That's some fine work there, Day."
"Hey, you were the one who caught her, really," Day said.
"Nuh-uh," Copper smiled. "You found the haul, partner. This one's all yours."
"Aw... thanks, C.T.," Day said, blushing slightly as he got on the radio. "Dispatch, 10-95. Suspect in custody, request pickup..."
Back at the police station, Day sat with a coffee in the break room, stretching out on one of the battered leather chairs as he glanced over the cracked linoleum floor. Behind him was a notice board detailing all the news and info the precinct's officers might need—DUI checkpoints to remain in place until quotas for the month are met; Remember, YOU are the front line for law and order in our city!; and most pertinently for him, Significant increase in poison joke deals—officers must remain vigilant.
Copper had waited until they got back to the station before dropping the bombshell that in exchange for him getting the glory for the bust at Silver's van, Day would be writing a solo report. This, however, had only put a slight damper on his mood, which remained jovial. As soon as they'd entered the doors, Day had been getting pats on the back and congratulations from his fellow officers on his first major bust. He was enjoying a bit of time off his feet now, while Copper was handling the interrogation.
He was still impressed by how quickly Copper had taken Silver down. He'd heard Copper was fierce, and indeed he'd seen for himself how quickly she could scare the crap out of delinquents, but to see her in action like that... if he hadn't completely respected her before, he certainly did now.
Draining his coffee, Day decided to wander over to the interview rooms himself to stretch his legs a bit. He stepped out of the break room and into the tumult of the main area of the station, where the usual organised chaos was taking place among the mares and stallions in blue. Snatches of conversation floated his way as he moved through the room; "..he's lying, I barely touched the guy..."; "...brutality? Stupid punk wouldn't know police brutality if..."; "...oh, a doughnut? Make it large!"
As Day approached the interview rooms, he saw Copper herself lumbering down the hallway. She was followed by a green-furred, white-maned stallion in a surgically clean and pressed uniform. Day recognised him as Lieutenant Ceartas, one of the guys who could usually be found pushing pencils or assisting with interrogations.
"Did she talk?" Day asked.
"Oh yeah," Copper grinned, her flabby arms folded. "They always talk."
Ceartas let out a machine-gun laugh. "Especially with Copper Top here to help play good cop/bad cop," he said in his lilting Sirish accent. "Got her to put the fear of Faust into our friend Silver, then when I told her we only wanted the suppliers and could get her a lighter sentence, she sang like a bird. She gave us names, a time, an address, everything."
"Sounds like we've got some serious suppliers here, too," Copper added. "As in, 'street value of a few hundred grand' serious. We take them down, we can put a nice big dent in the joke trade in this part of Manehattan."
"I don't believe it!" Day laughed delightedly.
"Believe it, my boy," Ceartas smiled. "The commissioner just got off the phone; she's authorised a raid. You two will be heading down there, of course. The address is 2246 Harness Avenue."
"Harness Avenue in Saltlick Heights," Copper added. "The same neighbourhood where I grew up. So I've got a pretty damn big stake in clearing those scum out of there."
"Got it," Day said, nodding. "So this is it, then?"
"This is it," Copper said, slapping him on the back. "Saddle up!"
Car seventeen peeled around the corner, its red and white lights casting shadows off of the tall building beside it as it sped down the row of decrepit-looking townhouses. Number 2246 wasn't hard to spot, what with the two squad cars and a large black SWAT van already parked outside. The car came to a halt beside them as a new officer, a fit-looking young zebra, jogged up to meet them.
"Just in time, guys," he said. "We're about ready to bust that door down. Soon as we get the battering ram in place, we can move in and nab us some perps."
"Nice," Day said, looking around. "So... where's the battering ram?"
"You're looking at her!" Copper grinned as she waddled forward. Two of the officers on scene had produced a huge elastic band, which they'd tied to two lampposts on either side of 2246.
"You can't be serious..." Day breathed, as Copper positioned herself in the middle of the elastic. But as the officers pulled the elastic taut and she braced herself against it, he saw that they were as serious as they'd ever been.
"Okay, on three!" one of them called. "Ready, Copper?"
"Do it!" Copper said, gritting her teeth.
"One... two... three!"
"Damn pigs!" one of the suppliers hissed, looking through the drawn curtains. "How in Celestia's name did they find us out?!"
"Somepony must've snitched," his friend replied, looking through the mailbox. Her angry expression quickly changed to one of confusion. "Now what the f-"
CRASH! Four hundred-plus pounds of obese mare came smashing through the door, splintering it in two and sending the hapless supplier flying across the hall, where she lay on the floor in a semi-conscious daze. Her friend barely had time to process what was happening before two SWAT ponies were pointing their gun barrels in his direction.
"Don't move!" one of them roared. "On your stomach! Hands behind your back! Interlock your fingers, NOW!!"
Grunting, Copper got to her feet. "Ahhh, my head... I should have worn that helmet after all." Looking behind her, she saw her fellow officers giving her grins and thumbs up... except for Day, who was staring with an open jaw and saucer-wide eyes.
"What in the...?" he stammered. "Is she crazy?"
"Probably," the zebra said, smirking. "And that's what makes her such a damn fine cop."
The raid on 2246 Harness Avenue ended with the seizure of a large quantity of poison joke ready for distribution, with an estimated street value of 250,000 bits. Thanks to the efforts of the MHPD, the contraband was seized in one of the many joke raids around Manehattan.
The two suppliers were found guilty of possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell, and are currently serving twenty-year sentences at Manehattan Correctional Facility. Their dealer, Silver Swift, in light of her cooperation with the police, was sentenced to ten years and will be eligible for parole after serving five. She is also currently residing in Manehattan Correctional Facility in protective custody.
Copper Top and Day Tripper both received commendations from Police Commissioner Miranda Rights for their role in bringing Silver and her suppliers to justice. Copper declined the offer of promotion to sergeant, saying that she preferred walking the beat to pushing papers. In lieu of a promotion, she instead received a year's supply of free doughnuts at Sugar Sprinkle's doughnut shop.
END