Now Tell Me, What Does This Look Like to You?by Punished Venom MuddyChaptersWhat Do You Mean? Of Course I'm Qualified!Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y!Have You Ever Heard of Juice? [Pt. 1]HaVE yOu eVEr HeaRD oF JuiCE? [Pt. 2]Now, Just Take a Minute and Listen to How You SoundWhat Do You Mean? Of Course I'm Qualified!"C'mon Twilight, you can't do this!" You protest as your stuff is tossed out of the library door. "No Anon, I've had it with your nonsense! All you do is lounge around the house, eat, and complain! You don't even pay rent!" Twilight scolded back, continuing to decorate the front road of the library with all of your belongings. Bending over you begin to scoop your stuff into your arms, upset that Twilight would kick you out. When she had warned you you thought it was a joke! Grumbling you look back to the library, your past home. "How am I supposed to carry all my Shit Twilight?!" You ask, your question being answered as a cardboard box pegs you in the head, knocking you to the ground. "Stupid fucking purple horse, goddamn cardboard boxes" you grumble to yourself as you pick yourself up and start filling the box with your stuff. Having finally packed all your belongings into the box you pick it up in your arms, glad that you didn't buy anything heavy during your year here in Equestria. Deciding to move on with your life, away from purple-smart. you start walking to Rarity's business/house, hoping that the element of generosity will be generous enough to let you live with her for a while. Bursting into Rarity's business with a loud "SOMEBODY" while kicking open the door, you startle her and cause her to make a large slash into the fabric she was cutting. Turning to face you she had a look of terror and rage on her dainty features. "Hey Rarity, can I live with you for like..... forever?" You ask as she trots over to you, scissors still in her magical grasp and making you nervous. "H-hey, what were you, uh, working on when I came in?" You ask nervously, beginning to back away towards the door. "It was a dress commissioned by a miss Fleur De Lis, a VERY influential and particular pony" Rarity says while still continuing to advance on you, scissors in her etherial grasp. "Sorry about your dress, I'll just comebacklaterokbye" You say quickly as the scissors find themselves lodged into the door, only a few inches away from your head. Quickly exiting and slamming the door behind you, running from the Boutique until you were outside of Rarity's scissor-wielding range. Finally feeling like you were safe, you began to slow down and took some deep breaths. Having calmed your nerves and your heart-rate, making a mental note to maybe start exercising again, you hear an obnoxious laughing above you. Looking up you notice Rainbow Dash on a cloud, clearly having seen your antics at Rarity's. You shake your head, knowing very well that there was no way that she would ever let something like this go. Looking up again you notice her coming down to probably mock you, goddamn skittle-head. "Oh sweet Celestia that is too good! You just got chased out by Rarity, RARITY! I didn't think it was possible for her to scare anypony with her whole: Oh darling, don't track dirt inside!" Rainbow says through fits of laughter and tears. "Yeah yeah, yuk it up cuddle buddy" you say, making sure to emphasize the 'cuddle buddy' part, knowing that it would get a reaction out of her. You were right, watching her face flush at your pet name for her. "H-hey! Keep it down, you pinkie promised not to tell anypony about that" Rainbow says her eyes flicking back and forth, making sure nopony heard you. "Yeah, well you don't have any fingers, so *phhht*" You say ending your explanation with a fart noise from your mouth. "Whatever" she looks back at you "Why were you at Rarity's anyway, didn't you already get clothes last week?" She asks, her head tilting in a quizzical way, making you resist the urge to scratch behind her ears. You fail at this, reaching a hand to her head and beginning to scratch behind her ear. Making her let out a soft moan as she presses her head into your palm. "I got kicked out by Twilight for no reason and I was gonna ask her if she'd let me move in, but I ruined some upity-up's dress. Whatever." You explain, continuing your assault on Rainbow's head with your fingers. "Mmm yeah, Twilight mhmm. Don't stop" Rainbow mumbles, beginning to stomp her hind leg like an adorable dog. "So, I was wondering if maybe you'd let me move in with you? There'd be as many cuddles, belly rubs, ear scratches and whatever else you want!" You say, trying to persuade her to let you move in (hopefully rent-free). Your words take Rainbow out of your trance and she looks at you with a happy, then a very sad face. "I'd love for that, but there's just one problem. I live in Cloudsdale, y'know, like in the sky. Normally it wouldn't be a problem for anypony else, but since you react really weird to magic I don't think you'd be able to. Sorry" She says, her heart sinking as she looks away from you. "Shit, I forgot about that" you say, now beginning to run out of ideas of where to live. "You could always try Fluttershy, she's always looking to help the creatures of Equestria and I don't think she'd mind you living with her. Last I talked to her, apparently she has a little crush on you" Rainbow said, accentuating the information with a wiggle of her eyebrows at you. "Yeah, YEAH! Great idea Dash!" You exclaim as you give her one last scratch for her help, now setting off to find your sweet butterfly mare. You finally come into visible distance of Fluttershy's house, it feels like it changes how far away it is every ~~fanfic~~ time you visit. Crossing over the small bridge and coming up to her door you decide to actually knock this time, just in case she's "busy" with her animals again, a scene you do NOT want to see again or remember. Knocking on the door you are surprised when you don't hear an answer, usually Futtershy would at least leave a note on her door if she had gone somewhere. "Hey, Fluttershy don't kill me, I'm coming in!" You warn as you open the door and are not met with your shy friend, but with the largest grizzly bear you had ever seen. "HOLY FUCK!" You scream before slamming the door on its snout, not wanting to end up like Di Caprio from the Revenant. You quickly turn your sights back to Ponyville, or more accurately to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe Applejack would let you stay in the barn? With this hopeful plan in your mind you make your way to your country friend's orchard. Eventually reaching the edge of the apple tree lines you make your way towards the Apple family farm, your belongings still in the box in your arms. You make your way through the rows-and-rows of apple trees, finally gaining sight of the old house sitting on the hill. Stepping up to the porch with your belongings in hand you can hear some kind of conflict coming from inside. "I told ya youngns that if ya drank too much cider that ya'd make some bad decisions!" Granny Smith yells out angrily. "It was just an accident Granny, we swear not ta do it again!" Applejack retorts desperately, hopelessness in her voice. "Isn't that right Big Mac?" Applejack asks. "Eyup" He answered stoically, apparently even when being scolded by family. "Accident or not, that don't change tha fact that ya slept with ya brother!" Granny Smith scolds loudly. With that said you decide to leave, not wanting to get involved in some weird country pony incest-fest. With only one pony left you set your sights on Sugercube Corner, hoping that the happiest pony you know would be happy enough to let you stay with her, even if you had to live in the basement of the place like some troglodyte. Making your way back into town, your arms now killing you from having to carry around all your shit practically all day. Walking through Ponyville proper with all of your belongings in a cardboard box netted you some really weird looks from any of the ponies that walked by you, now you really were starting to feel like a homeless person. Walking up to the gingerbread house business of Sugercube Corner, you notice that it's actually busy today. Weird, you thought to yourself, it seemed still too early for any of the kids to be out of school. Opting to solve this mystery, you walk inside and take notice of all of the ponies dressed in loose flowing clothing. Calming your member from the sight of these equine bellydancers, you begin to search for Pinkie Pie in and amongst them. What you found was not the usual Pinkie you knew (usual being a very, very loose term with her), but some sort of gypsy fortuneteller Pinkie seated at a table with a crystal ball. Working your way through the crowd, you eventually make your way to her table. "Hey Pinkie, I was wondering if-" you start, but are cut off when Pinkie raises a bracelet covered hoof to your lips. "I know why you are here Anon, you wish to find lodging here" Pinkie says whilst waving her hooves over the crystal ball. "Yeah, that's exactly it! So, whatta ya say?" You ask, now becoming more and more entranced by the swirling images inside the crystal ball. "I cannot help you Anon, I must help my kind first. However you should use your talents to get a job, you are great at listening to ponies and are always gentile with their feelings and insecurities" Pinkie says looking at you while all your attention is on the ball. "Huh, what did you say?" You ask, snapped from your trance by Pinkie placing her hoof on your shoulder. "I said that you should get a job where you listen and talk to ponies, I think you'd be good at it" Pinkie says a hopeful smile coming across her face. "I guess, Alright I'll do it! Ill become the best um, talker ever!" You exclaim, startling a few gypsies around you. "Thanks so much Pinkie, even if you didn't help me at all with my real problem" You say, turning to leave. "Your real problem is that you're a lazy piece of shit" Pinkie mumbles under her breath, going unnoticed by you as you leave the building. You head back to Twilight's, more so for the library aspect than to go back to living there. God knows what she would do to you then. Pushing those thoughts from your head as you open the door to the library, you notice Twilight at the main check-out desk reading a book. She begins to speak as you enter, slowly raising her head from her reading. "Welcome to the Ponyville library, if there's anything that- Why are you here" She says, having started with the basic greetings she gives everypony that comes into the library, but turning to annoyance when she lifts her head and sees you. "Hey, I'm here to look for a job and I thought that maybe you could help me. Y'know for old times sake, buddy?" You explain, quickly throwing your hands up incase she decided to blast you. "A job, really. That's wonderful, but I don't buy it. I know you Anon, you'd rather kill yourself before putting effort into anything" She accuses while stepping out from behind her desk and approaching you. "Hey, that's not true! I just put a ton of effort into finding a place that I could live! And I am serious about this job, that's why I came to the smartest pony I know" You say, taking a few steps forward to meet her. Noticing that your compliment had taken effect on her, causing a slight blush to creep onto her face. "W-well I suppose that I could help you, since you're so determined. What kind of job did you have in mind?" Twilight asks taking a seat in front of you and levitating a quill and notepad towards her. "I had this idea to have a job where I listen to ponies, then say what I think" You say enthusiastically, also taking a seat on the ground. "So, like a counselor?" Twilight asks with an eyebrow raised in suspicion. "No, nothing like that. You know I hate other people's relationships" you explain. "Yeah, because they make you feel insignificant" She mumbles "Well then maybe a psychiatrist or a therapist then?" She offers with a bit of excitement. "Y'know maybe a therapist isn't so bad, I get to hear ponies' issues and them give them my advice!" You say getting into the idea of being a therapist, memories of all the adult videos where 'therapists' gave some 'special treatment' to their 'patients' beginning to flood into your head while a bit of blood traveled south. "Alright I'll set up somewhere and I'll start taking patients. Twilight, could you do me a favor and spread word around town that this is happening?" You ask, noticing Twilight look back up at you, her eyes having lingered on something else. "Sure, but don't you need to be qualified to be a therapist?" Twilight asks, placing the quiz and notepad down on a table across the room. "Qualified? Of course I'm qualified I majored in human communication, that's like 100% of therapist-ing" You exclaim, covering up your lack of knowledge with bullshit, like usual. With passion in your heart, a wide open future ahead of you, and a complaining Twilight behind you, you set out to achieve your brand-new dream of being the Ponyville therapist. Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y!Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y! "And finished" you say while wiping away a small bead of sweat forming on your brow, content with your work. For the last few hours you have been busy constructing your 'therapy stand', or something like that. It reminded you of the kind on The Peanuts, one of your favorite childhood cartoons, or at least the holidays when you watched them. With a big smile of accomplishment plastered on your face you push Rarity's drama couch closer, having 'borrowed' it from her. Taking a seat behind your plywood business stand, you flip the hand painted sign from a sloppy closed to the equally sloppy open. Now all you had to do was wait, hopefully Twilight would come through and spread word about your totally legit business. To dispel any doubts, you hand-made yourself a PHD in feelings and a practicing license that merely said: "Fuck you, I have a PHD". A few minutes pass and still you sat there alone, patiently tapping your fingers rhythmically on the desktop. Looking up you noticed a few pegasus moving clouds into larger bunches, probably preparing for rain. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have your business outside, especially since you don't bother to check the weather. You're pulled from your thoughts of how to improve your business when you hear a familiar voice calling your attention. "Hey! Anon, can you hear me?!" A very familiar purple 'dragon' said, causing you to look over the counter at your small customer. "Hey, what's good my lizard bro?" You say, holding out your fist for a bump with spike, who returns it with enthusiasm. "Twi told me that you're some kind of a therapist now, so I thought I'd come over and maybe talk with you. Y'know, work out some of my problems?" He asked hopefully while twirling his claws nervously. "Aw hell yea, go ahead and take a seat and we can start!" You say, quickly grabbing a quill and notepad, spike taking a seat on Rarity's couch. "Just start talking and we'll begin working out any issues you have" you say in the most professional tone you can muster. "Well, the thing is nopony pays attention to me and when they do, they just think that everything I say is some kind joke" Spike says, using his clawed hands to really accentuate his dialogue. "Mhmm, I see" you say as you scribble some drawings of anime characters onto your notepad. "Well, I was hoping that maybe you'd have some advice as to how I could make ponies listen to me, since enverypony listens to you. I mean, well, you know" Spike said, desperately clutching to the hope of your advice. You decide to speak onto him some knowledge that your dad taught you, taking a moment to decide which one to use. 'There's no crying in baseball'? No, that doesn't make any sense, maybe: 'If life gives you lemons make life take the lemons back, I don't want your damn lemons! Do you have any idea who I am? I'm-' no, that's not even your dad's advice. Wracking your brain you finally find the perfect phrase to help spike: 'If you want people to respect you son, don't be a pussy. Now wipe that piss up and get me a beer from the fridge'. It was perfect! "Well Spike, in my professional opinion I think that the best thing for you to do is to stop being such a big scaly pussy" you say, finishing up your doodles and looking at a now shocked Spike. "W-what? Stop being a pussy?" Spike says with a small blush on his scaled face. "Yep, quit being a pussy. Get mad! Take what you want, don't let anypony or anybody tell you what you can or can't do! Demand to see life's manager!" You yell, getting a bit too excited. "Y-yeah! You're right, though I'm not sure what that last part was about, but you're right. I should take my life into my own claws and make everypony take me seriously!" Spike exclaims, shooting off the couch and starts running off towards Ponyville. "Hey, Spike! Aren't you forgetting something?" You say with a finger pointed at your price sign. "W-what! No way! 50 bits, that's just ridiculous!" Spike protests and begins to turn back towards Ponyville. "Pay up or I tell Rarity about your little 'doll' of her" you threaten, making him turn around and stomp back to your stall. "Fine, you know that you can be a real ass sometimes Anon" Spike says while placing a hefty bag of bits on your counter, probably his allowance from a few weeks of saving. "Yeah, well I have a PHD" you retort, placing the bag of bits under your counter. "Whatever Anon" Spike says, turning back to Ponyville and walking away, now bitless. You knew that he'd thank you later, you just boosted his confidence! You taught him to take life by the metaphorical balls and not to let anypony tell him no, teaching him to man-up and do what he wants and take what he wants. With a big smile on your face and the rain beginning to come down, you place a tarp over all your stuff and head off to get some dinner. You've had a long day and felt that you deserved something nice, maybe you'd hit up Rainbow for some drinks. "So, you're telling me that this is Anon's fault?" Twilight asked the now normal-sized Spike, having just bought him back from Godzilla-like levels of huge. "Kinda, he said for me to 'not be a pussy' and to not let anypony tell me what to do" Spike confessed like a dirty rat. "Is this true Anon?" Twilight asked annoyedly, clearly exhausted from having to fix ~~your~~ Spike's mistake. "No, well maybe a little. But how was I supposed to know about 'dragon's greed' and that spike was going to become fucking Godzilla all of a sudden?!" You exclaim, not liking being the center of the problem. "Well I guess that it's both of your faults, so both of you can help to rebuild everything that was destroyed" Twilight says with a smug smile on her face, fucking horse. "But why? That's not fair!" Both you and Spike let out in almost perfect unison, clearly not wanting to do what Twilight suggested. "No buts, this is a royal order!" Twilight says, flaring her wings for emphasis. "A royal order from a librarian, heh fuck my life" You mumble out angrily, trudging off with spike to join in on the reconstruction of Ponyville. After working for hours you finally finished rebuilding the last house, boy were you glad that magic existed here. Back on Earth a construction job like this would take months, if not years to finish. Mostly due to the political bullshit that had to be done around it first. With the last pieces of straw placed on the roof you m make your way down to ground level, your entire body drenched in sweat. You hated sweating, it always made everything uncomfortable, especially when your ass sweated. And boy was your ass sweating. Exhausted, you made your way to the Ponyville motel for the night. Placing a few bits on the counter and getting your key, you didn't even bother closing your door before you fell into bed, still dressed in your dirty clothes. Have You Ever Heard of Juice? [Pt. 1]Waking up the next morning you were assaulted by your own stench, the stink of sweat emanating off of your body. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to just jump into bed while still wearing your clothes you had worked in? Shrugging it off as another life lesson learned, you peeled yourself from the sheets and made your way to the bathroom. After draining the old 'one-eyed-snake', making sure to shake out every last drop (still managing to have one small drip come out into your pants) you disrobed and got into the pony-sized shower. You had gotten used to washing yourself whilst hunched over, finding it somewhat more enjoyable than standing and washing. Forced to hunch over you got to feel the warm water hit your whole body all at once! Finishing the song you were singing and stepping out of the shower, turning off the water as you exited, you dried yourself off and went to the mirror to admire yourself. Looking yourself over in the mirror you realized two things about yourself. One, you were pretty good looking, having lost a few pounds (ironically) from your time in Equestria. And two, you had a pony stalker standing behind you- WAIT WHAT!? Turning around quickly, making sure your hand was securing the towel around your waist, you stared at a familiar mint unicorn. "Fuck off Lyra, I'm not letting you use my hands for anything!" You yell at the intruder, marching towards her to force her out. "B-but you promised to help me!" She exclaimed as you began to push her along, towards the door. "Yeah, I had promised to help you, not finger-bang you! Goddamn pony pervert!" You accuse as you finally get her through the doorframe, now staring at a disappointed Lyra. "Like you have anything to say, I saw the way you looked at my flank that day" she said, her face changing from disappointment to a sly smirk. "It had been a long time without me seeing.... a thing!" You exclaimed as you failed to hide your blush as you remembered the same day. "You mean a vagina Anon?" Lyra asked sultrily, giving you a playful wiggle of her eyebrows. "Ew, don't say it like that! It sounds gross and doesn't change the fact that it's too early for this" You say, beginning to close the door on the lewd mare. "Wait Anon!" She exclaimed, putting her hoof in the way of the door "Can we at least hang out later?" She asked, giving you the infamous 'pony puppy-dog eyes'. Clutching your chest to fight off the pure cuteness overload assaulting your heart, you looked down at the mare, a hint of sympathy beginning to spread through you like a plague. You were just about today yes when you were struck by an epiphany, you had an excuse! You worked now and could use that to get out of awkward situations like this! Clearing your throat you answered Lyra with your newly constructed excuse, sure that this wouldn't be the last time that you used it on her and others. "I'm afraid that I cannot 'hang out', I'm very busy with work today and will not be free for a while" you said in the most professional tone you could muster. "You, working? Yeah right!" Lyra exclaimed, beginning to laugh loudly. Offended that she would think so low of you to lie, well maybe it wasn't such a hard thing to not believe. Collecting what was let of your dignity you shut the door on the laughing mare, still able to hear her laughter through the wooden portal. Turning back to your box of belongings you dug around until you found some clothes, opting for a colored shirt and jeans. You had to look at least a bit professional while you were operating your 'legitimate business'. Opening the door you moved around the still laughing Lyra and went downstairs, hoping to get a piece of that complimentary breakfast before work. Unfortunately you found the lobby totally devoid of any signs of food, except for the snacks in the vending machine. Figuring something was better than nothing you bought a bag of your favorite snack, Cheezy Pooferz®, now with 200% more cheese! Opening the bag and breathing in the rich scent of artificial cheese flavoring before grabbing a handful and shoving them into your waiting maw, covering your hand, shirt, and face in orange powder. "Oh well" you let out muffled by the amount of cheesy snacks currently being consumed. Making your way outside you headed for where you had stashed your business, hoping nothing had happened to it. Walking through the park you took an off-road detour to where you had hidden your stall under a tarp, finding it undamaged and completely intact, Rarity's couch still there as well! Doing a little fist pump you started to uncover and drag your business out of its hiding spot and onto the main path, hoping that the new location would bring some more business. After getting everything set-up you flipped the sign from 'Closed' to 'Open', taking a seat behind the desk and waiting for anypony to join you. [A Few Hours Later] "How many times do I have to teach you this lesson old man?! I don't sell any goddamn sunflower seeds!" You exclaimed, slamming a fist onto the desk and startling a few nearby ponies in the park. "Oh, well that's alright sonny. I'll check back later, tootleoo!" The old pony said before hobbling away. You let out an annoyed sigh, running your hand over your face. It had been hours now and the only pony who had come by was the same old geezer, asking if you had sunflower seeds. what did he think you were, a baseball dugout? You slammed your head down onto the desk, already feeling done with the day. You were brought back to the world around you when you heard someone clearing their throat in front of you, causing you to lift your head to see who interrupted your moping. "I don't have any sunflower seeds" you say emotionless before laying your head back on the desk. "W-what? I don't want any sun- Um, I heard that you were a therapist?" The mare asked, causing you to look back up and really study the mare standing at your stall. She was a plum colored mare with a raspberry pink mane and tail, her cutiemark being a bunch of grapes next to a strawberry. You immediately recognized her as the town drunk Berry Punch, a frequent partner of yours at the Ponyville Pub. Sitting up and giving her a big smile you offered her a seat on 'your' therapy couch. "Why don't you go ahed and take a seat and we'll begin" you say with your mock-professional tone, gesturing to the seat. "O-ok?" Berry said, slowly trotting over to the couch and hopping onto it, taking a minute to get comfortable. Pulling out your notepad and quill, you flipped to a sheet not covered in doodles and dipped the quill in ink. Looking up at Berry Punch you gave her another big smile, glad that you finally had another customer. "You can start whenever and however you'd like Miss Punch" you said in your now nicknamed: 'business' tone, lightly placing the quill against the paper. "Well, I got told by my friend Carrot Top to come see you after she heard about a therapist in town. At first I refused, I didn't think that I had any problem" She said, lying on her back and looking up at the blue sky. "What was the problem Carrot Top thought you had?" You asked out of politeness and professionalism, knowing very well what problem her friend was concerned with. "Well, I admit that I may, drink a bit more than I should. But only on special occasions!" She explained, quickly making a point to give context to her excessive drinking. "Right, what was so special about last Wednesday?" You asked sarcastically, having been in the pub with her at the time. "T-that was, um, my uh.... Ok, I drink a lot. Often, really often" Berry admitted, her ears folding back against her head as her face began to flush red. "That's a good step in the right direction, you have to admit there is a problem before you can start fixing it" you quoted, remembering that phrase from a fortune cookie you ate once. "Y-yeah, you're right Doc! Well, what's the next step?" Berry asked as she sat up and turned to face you, a hopeful smile on her adorable face. "Well, maybe instead of drinking cider and wine, you find a healthy alternative?" You offered, the solution not really that hard for you to see. Simply: Stop drinking you damn alcoholic! "So I should drink like beer and liquor?" She asked, tilting her head a bit in confusion. Was she serious? Did she just ask if she should be drinking different alcohol after being told to stop drinking?! Face-palming you began again, hoping to bring her to the same level of basic intelligence that you possessed. "No, no booze. Why not instead of alcohol, you drink water?" You asked hopeful that she would catch on to what you were saying. "I don't like water, there's no flavor and sometimes it tastes funny and makes me fall asleep!" She exclaimed, startling you. She had been drugged with water before? WTF?! Pushing that point aside you offered a different beverage idea. "What about juice or punch" you saw her ears perk up "Not spiked punch, nonalcoholic!" You scolded, making her go from interested to confused. "Nonalcoholic? Also, what's juice?" She asked, making you look at her as if she asked what the sun was. "You're joking right, you've heard of juice before right?" You asked, becoming increasingly worried as to the level of this pony's intelligence. "N-no, is it like wine?" Berry asked embarrassed. "Um, well kinda. It just is sweeter and doesn't have any alcohol in it" you explained, trying to put it into terms she would understand. "Oh!.... I don't get it" she deadpanned, causing you to rise from your seat and flip your sign back to 'Closed'. "Come on, I'm going to get you some juice ~~you stupid drunk~~" you said, deciding to leave the last half of your comment inside your head. You waited for Berry to hop off of the couch, standing patiently while she figured out what was going on. Now with the confused drunk behind you, you made your way back to the motel. You entered the lobby and walked over to the vending machine, putting in a few bits and pressing the option for a simple grape juice. Picking up the dispensed beverage you unscrewed the lid and handed it to Berry Punch, watching her face contort in confusion as she took the bottle into her hooves. She brought the bottle to her snout and gave the contents a short sniff before she placed her lips gently against the opening and took a sip, slowly exploring the flavor. Her eyes widening in excitement as she swallowed the first sip, quickly beginning to chug the entire bottle in one go. It was actually kind of hot to watch. "This stuff is awesome! And you said there's no alcohol inside?!" She asked skeptically, narrowing her eyes at you as she tried to figure-out if you were just feeding her a ruse. "Yep, 100% nonalcoholic! Your friend Carrot Top shouldn't mind you drinking this stuff" you said, presuming that the change from booze and liquors to simple juice would please the ginger mare. "Wow! You sure are a miracle-worker Doc, I'll have to tell all of my friends about you!" Berry exclaimed as she sucked on the empty bottle, hoping to get out just a bit more of the sweet liquid. "Well, I'm glad to help. For a price of course!" You joked, laughing nervously, hoping you hadn't just sounded like a total Chad. "Oh right! I almost forgot, how much do I owe you Doc?" Berry asked, pulling out a small bag of bits. Deciding to charge her the usual rate (plus a little extra because of the drink you bought her), you pretended to think of a price. "I'm feeling generous today so I'll only charge you sixty bits" you said in your business tone. Berry Punch happily counted out the payment and placed it in your hands, moving past you to begin putting her remaining bits into the vending machine, purchasing bottle after bottle of juice. Crazy mare. With a big smile on your face and a pocket full of bits you headed back to your stall to fully close up, making sure that your stuff was hidden and covered. You hoped that you could find Rainbow and get a drink with her, wanting to tell her the story of today. You chuckled at the irony of it all as you returned to the park, finding the same old stallion from earlier digging through your desk. "HEY!" You cried out, causing the old stallion to turn tail and run away. You quickly ran over to your stall, luckily finding everything present. After moving your stand back to its hiding place off the trail and making sure it was covered, you made a mental note to buy a bag of emergency sunflower seeds. Just in case that same old stallion came by tomorrow. With your planned purchase in mind and business closed for the day, you started walking towards the usual field Rainbow practiced above. Author's Note Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Expect more updates soon! Also, I'm interested in finding an editor that would have early access to all of my stories and would get a personal thanks in either the Author's Notes or Long Description of any stories they help on. This position is open for anyone, but don't feel like I'm demanding assistance. I'll still release chapters and stories with or without a helpful editor. Phew, that was a long Author Note. As Always, feedback is appreciated. ~Muddy HaVE yOu eVEr HeaRD oF JuiCE? [Pt. 2]"RAINBOW!" You bellow out in search of your technicolor friend, the bits from Berry Punch sitting heavy in your pockets. You had walked to the field that Rainbow Dash usually practiced at, hoping to find her here and not at work, though you felt that your odds were good since you can't actually remember a time that she was working. Shrugging to your own wondering, you took a seat on the lush grass. It felt nice to actually be a part of society, not some library goblin that spent all his time eating and complaining. Only ever leaving your lair to go to the pub and get absolutely shit-faced, repeating the process every week. You knew your liver hated you, but fuck it, there's probably a potion to cure liver failure. "Hey Anon, what's up?" You hear Rainbow say, pulling you from your mind and back to reality. "I was wondering if you wanted to celebrate the curing of an alcoholic by going and drinking with me?" You ask, the irony of your plan not lost on you, nor Rainbow Dash as she began to snicker. "Hehe, that's messed up dude. Plus it's only like two, isn't it a bit early for drinking?" Rainbow asked accusingly. "It's never too early to drink, and if you really want to wait until later, I hear that drinking is a great way to pass time" you offer, the genius of your plan already in action. "HA! Alright big guy, let's go party" Rainbow said, finally giving in. "Did somepony say party?!" Pinkie asks excitedly, seemingly appearing from thin-air. "Oh sweet jesus, don't do that pinkie" you say, clutching your heart from the sudden shock of pinkie appearing. "Sorry, it's just that the author wanted to really give this chapter some umph!" Pinkie exclaims quickly before bouncing over to Rainbow and you, throwing her arms around both of you. "The what?" Both Rainbow and you ask Pinkie, your question falling on deaf ears as she started bouncing ahead. "Come on! We need to be early to get a good spot!" Pinkie called back, already a good ways ahead of you. "What does she mean 'we need to be early to get a good spot'? Where is she taking us?" Rainbow asked as she began to follow her excited friend. "I don't know and honestly it's better if I don't have to think about it, as long as there's drinks I'll be happy" you explained as you also began to follow Pinkie, quickly catching up with Rainbow and walking along side her. You felt like there was a lot of fun in-store for the three of you... Pinkie had brought you to the train station and booked a ticket for Canterlot, confused but interested Rainbow and you followed. You had gotten some weird looks from the citizens of Canterlot city, most of them not being used to you. Moving through crowds of suspicious ponies you were eventually led to a large building, a buff stallion standing outside of the doors. Pinkie had bounced right up to him, quickly giving him three slips of paper, where she had gotten them you can only wonder. The stallion had smiled at pinkie and then usher the three of you inside, where you were assaulted with the atmosphere of the place. There was electronic music playing at a painfully loud level, flashing lights worthy of an epilepsy shot through the smoke and crowd. There was a distinct smell of sweat, alcohol, and bad decisions rising off of the sea of ponies dancing inside. Worming your way through the crowd, a few mares getting a bit handsy as you passed them, you finally reached the bar. From the bar you were able to see that a white unicorn with purple shades was the beloved DJ of the night, her stylized neon mane shaking as she bobbed her head to the beat. Pulling your eyes off of the rather attractive DJ, you order you and your friends a few shots taking them and looking around the room for the two mares. You spotted them in a small round booth, a few stallions busy chatting with them when you rolled up. They cleared out pretty fast once they saw you, their terrified eyes traveling upwards to look at your alien face. Now left alone with nothing but an over hundred proof drink and your two friends, the whole night ahead. Downing your shots (and a few more) before engaging the dance floor. "Pinkie, this place is great!" You shout over the blasting electronic music, flashing lights streaking over your bodies. "I knew you'd like it! And it looks like Rainbow's enjoying herself too!" Pinkie exclaimed, pointing a hoof at your wasted friend who was busy chatting up a couple at the bar. "That mare is a real piece of work!" You remarked, busting some sweet moves. "You're dancing is the real piece of work here Anon!" Pinkie mocked, the slur of inebriation audible in her voice. Then again, it was in yours too. "I have no idea what you mean, my moves are straight fire!" You proclaimed, switching to another laughably bad dance move.. You didn't really have any moves that matched the rapid beat of the music, except maybe the seizure. You finished dancing to the current wubs and other strange electronic sounds, the DJ switching to a slower song. You watched her leave the turntable and head for the bar, you left Pinkie and also started heading for the bar. "Hey, I'll be right back Pinkie" you said as you made your way to the mysterious mare, you had to know who she was. "Okie dokie lokie" Pinkie said as she meandered off to find a new dancing partner, you felt bad for whoever she chose. Knowing there was no way that anyone could keep up with the hyperactive pony. Moving through the sea of ponies on the dance floor you finally reached the bar, this time only being molested a measly ten times. These mares had to pick-up their game. Taking a minute to order drink from the bartender for courage, you slid over to stand next to the DJ. "Two shots of Everfree clear" the DJ said to the bartender, surprising the both of you. Deciding to make your first move now, you spoke up. "Put it on my tab, courtesy of the alien" you say jokingly as the bartender smiled at your little inside joke, your action confusing the mare, causing her to turn and look at you. Her purple glasses gleaming with the reflected lights of the club as she stared. "Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little colt trying to make some moves on an innocent mare huh?" She asked, giving you a quick look up and down, her gaze lingering a bit on your lower half. "N-no, Baka!" You protest, your inner ~~goblin~~ weeb coming out. Shit, now she knows you're a virgin! "Hahaha, what dude!? You speak Japonese, that's hilarious!" She exclaimed, beginning to laugh hysterically at your knowledge of tongues. "Watashi wa sore wa chotto atsui to omoimasu" she said, giving you a playful smirk. Good GOD you could feel it ~~cumming~~ coming in the air tonight, this mare was making your hear skip a beat. Then again, it could be the alcohol making you think this, but fuck it. It felt good man. "So what's your name anyways?" You asked the DJ, causing her to give you a shocked look. Oh shit, you messed up. "You seriously haven't ever heard of me?" She asked offended that you had never heard of a DJ pony in Canterlot. "Um.... no?" You said, a bit of confusion as to why she was so upset over a little thing. "I don't really get out much, to Canterlot that is" you explained, watching the mare mellow a bit after hearing this. "Whatever man, I'm DJ PON3. Best DJ in equestria, my wubs are unmatched!" She boasted, downing one of her shots afterwords. "Yeah. That's cool and all, but what's your name?" You ask, wanting to know the mare behind the music. "Heh, that's my little secret. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal" she said, pulling you down to her level with a magical grasp to the back of your head. "If you can make it through the night with one of these," she held a small pill out to you "then maybe I'll consider telling you my real name. And maybe a bit more if you really impress me" she said teasingly , turning and walking back to her turntable. Giving you a perfect view of her flank, her tail swishing back-and-forth *just* hiding what treasures lied underneath. "I'd be careful E.T., I've seen her pull this stunt on stallions before. You'd be better off finding a different mare for the night" the bar pony said, using the stupid name you and given him. "Can't hear you, busy thinking with my dick" you mumbled out, popping the pill into your mouth and washing it down with the rest of your drink. Making your way back to the dance floor you found Pinkie dancing with an exhausted stallion, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as he gasped for air. Walking up to Pinkie you bent over and lifted her off the ground, placing her under your arm like a pillow. you got a silent "Thank you" from the stallion as he hobbled away, poor guy. "Hey Nonny, you're looking especially cute tonight" Pinkie said through a slurred voice, all whilst giving you a half-lidded bedroom gaze. Too bad for her, you already had a target locked. "And you are especially drunk tonight" you said, walking with her over to where Rainbow was sitting in a booth. A upset look on her face and drink in her hoof, perfect. "Look Pinkie, I don't think Rainbow's having any fun. Somepony should fix that!" You exclaimed, pointing a finger at your cyan friend. Pinkie immediately taking notice and launching from your grasp, taking a seat next to her. "Perfect, now all I have to do is make it through the night. It should be easy, I mean I haven't even felt- OH MY GAAAAAWD!" You cried out as you felt your body zooming through another dimension. This was the most intense trip you had ever felt, everything was a blur! You moved from the dace floor, to the bar, to the restroom, to the bar, and then back to the dance floor all in what felt like seconds. You could taste colors and see sounds, you were really in it to win it. Eventually you found yourself using some moves you had never known before, your shirt missing and sweat pouring down your body as you partied hardy. Finally, after what felt like hours (which it probably was) you regained control of your body and mind, finding the club almost devoid of life. "Hey hey big guy, looks like you made it. Congrats!" You heard DJ PON3 say, spinning to face her you took a moment to wipe the sweat from your face. "Holy shit, what was that!?" You exclaimed, both amazed and terrified of the experience you just had. "Condensed magic dude, really potent stuff" she explained, walking up to you and standing on her hind legs, using your chest for support. "Now I think I owe you something special, right?" She whispered into your ear, her sensual voice sending goosebumps down your back. "Why don't you come with me back to my place and we can 'hang-out' some more?" She said, dropping back down onto all fours. This mare was going to be the death of you, but you'd rather die with her than with a hand around your dick and a belt around your neck. Not that you had ever done something like that before! "Yes... Oh sweet lord yes!" You said, following your mysterious vixen. Turning you gave one last look backwards, noticing Pinkie and Rainbow still n their booth. A collection of bottles covered the table as they sat there, locking lips in one of the hottest drunk make-out sessions you had ever seen. Meh. They'll be fine, they have each-other" You said to yourself as you followed DJ PON3 out the back door and into the Canterlot city streets. You had followed the mare, engaging in bits of random small talk as you walked along. You found out that her real name was Vinyl Scratch and she used to work with another DJ until creative differences spilt them apart, also she had apparently dated that guy. You also learned that she was living with another mare: Octavia Melody, the two of them sharing the apartment they called home. What was interesting about this though was that her roommate was a classical cellist, an almost polar opposite to the music that Vinyl made. Apparently they got along just fine, well maybe a bit more than just fine if the way she spoke so fondly of her was any indication of. Placing the idea of a possible threesome into the recesses of your mind you continued to follow your mare (well not *your* mare, only just for the night). Giving thanks for the invention of alcohol and the bad decisions that came with it, you were glad that you were the bad decision that this mare had made. Following her inside a building you walked with her up a few flights of stairs, the elevator being broken, and now stood in front of a door numbered 69 (hehe, classic). "Here we are, feel free to take a seat. I'm gonna go clean up a bit, I'll be right back" Vinyl said, walking off into the depths of the apartment. "Excuse me, you're in my spot" you heard a different, but equally beautiful voice say. A light English accent pulling your attention to this new entity. "Hmm? Oh! Sorry, you must be Vinyl's roommate, I'm Anon" you said in a slurred speech, extending a hand in greetings, but the gesture wasn't returned by the mare. You only got an annoyed look from her. "Great, now Vinyl is sleeping with... whatever you are. Where is she?" Octavia asked, letting out a sigh as you pointed toward where you had seen her walk off to. The annoyed roommate trotting off in the same direction, you wondered why she was such a bitch. Moving on from your less than pleasant meeting with Vinyl's roommate you took a look around the room, taking in the orgy of evidence that there was some serious create clashing happening in this apartment. There were some rave advertisement posters stuck next to some really fine art, or at least an actual panting. You never really did pay attention in art class, so anything that wasn't a pencil sketch looked great. Moving your focus from the decor of the room, you were able to overhear the roommates argument in the other room. "What are you doing Vinyl, why did you come home with a.... a thing?!" Octavia interrogated her voice taking on an irritated tone. "Why do you care who, or what, I bring home? Oh, and he's a human by the way Tavi" Vinyl said with an equally irritated voice. "I care because I have to sleep in the same apartment as you, and your loud love-making!" Octavia exclaimed. "Well excuse me if I don't just sleep with ponies while I'm at my venue, I prefer my comfy bed!" Vinyl screamed back, confirming your suspicion of getting laid tonight. Score. "I-I have never slept with anypony whilst on business!" Octavia defended, her voice sounding very unconvincing. "Right, I'm sure you've never shared a moment with..." Vinyl said, the name of whatever pony being too quiet for you to hear from the room. Damn, you always loved juicy secrets. "You leave him out of this, he has noting to do with you and your 'human'" Octavia spat, putting a emphasis on the word human, like it left a bad taste in her mouth. "Why don't you just chill and spend the night with us? I know it's been a long time since you got a proper rutting, plus since he's a different species you can't get knocked-up!" Vinyl explained happily, bringing visions of a pony threesome back to mind. It gave you conniptions. "N-no, I'm going to sleep. Try to keep it down Vinyl, I have a busy day tomorrow" Octavia said before re-entering into the room you were in, passing you by without making eye contact. However, you did notice a small blush on her cheeks. "Hey Anon, you can 'cum' in now" Vinyl said from the other room, putting a sensual amount of emphasis on the double entendre. You couldn't resist. "Cumming, I mean coming!" You yell out with nowhere near as much seduction in your call. Walking down a small hallway, you stood in-front of a mostly closed door. A bit of red light leaking out from underneath and the small crack the door was open. Pushing the door inwards you were met with the most amazing sight ever, lying on her side on the bed was Vinyl. Except now she wore striped stockings and er glasses were removed, revealing her half-lidded deep ruby eyes. Every fiber of your being hardened at the sight of this mare, giving a silent prayer to whatever gods existed you took a step through the threshold and joined her inside. "I hope you're not tired, 'cause we're gonna have fun. All. Night. Long" she said, giving you a sultrily playful wink at the end of her proclamation. "Yeah..." You said, dumbfounded for any more words as you approached the bed and the mare lying on it. Author's Note ~~So, the next chapter will be my first experience writing clop. It is however completely optional and won't effect the flow of the story if you don't read it.~~ (No clop will be added, sorry. I'll explain why in the next chapter's Author's Notes. If you have any personal complaints/questions, feel free to PM me.) I have no idea what I'm doing and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to give me tips as to what I could do to make this and future chapters better, also if you spot a mistake go ahead and let me know. I'll try to fix it as quickly and cohesively as I can. ~Muddy Now, Just Take a Minute and Listen to How You SoundAuthor's Note I'm REALLY sorry, but I won't be writing a clop chapter in this story. I've never written clop before and didn't want to ruin the story with a shitty clop chapter. I appologize for somewhat promising a clop chapter, but that will instead be written into its own fic, specifically for a clop "test" experience. I understand if you don't like me, or the story anymore after this news, but I prefer to release things I'm proud of. Again, sorry and if you decided to stick around then enjoy the chapter! ~Muddy Now, Just Take a Minute and Listen to How You Sound Placing your hands onto the bed you began to move your way towards Vinyl, causing her to smile at you and open her mouth for more bedroom talking. "His pupils aren't dilating, what's his heart-rate?" Vinyl said in a strangely masculine voice, making you stop your advances and question what that was. "Celestia dammit! I'm not losing you, come back to me you creature!" She says in the same masculine voice again, now you were confused. Standing you noticed the walls of the room began to pulse slightly, Vinyl still hadn't moved from her spot on the bed. She stared ahead in one spot, a blank smile on her face. You knew that there was some really weird shit going on now, and you didn't want it to go on anymore. "What the fuck is going on?" You asked aloud, causing the room to melt like it was made out of wax, scaring the shit out of you. "AHHHH!" You screamed ~~like a girl~~ in a very masculine tone, not like a girl at all. You watched as the room melted around you, leaving you in complete darkness. You noticed a small light coming from above you, looking up you saw that it was beginning to get closer to you. You tried to move out of the way of the incoming light, but found yourself unable to move. You wriggled for your life as you tried to fight off whatever invisible force was holding you hostage, not escaping at all and allowing the light to come even closer. As it got within arm's length of you, you began to hear voices coming from it. "Oh sweet Celestia please don't die big guy!" You heard the muffled voice of Rainbow Dash say, her voice choked in sobs. "Come on Nonny, have to get up! Just like that song you sing!" The muffled voice of Pinkie Pie said, her voice also sounding melancholily. That wasn't good. "Everypony step back, I'm going to attempt to resuscitate him!" The male voice Vinyl had been speaking in said, the white light pausing above you momentarily. "One, two, three. CLEAR!" The masculine voice said before the light grew to a massive all-consuming size and washed over you, blinding you with the brilliance of its glow. "Holy shit!" You let out with a deep gasp of cool air, taking in the breath with desperation. Opening your eyes you find yourself on the club floor, surrounded by medical ponies as well as your two friends. Smiles and tears covered Rainbow and Pinkie's faces while the medical ponies breathed a sigh of relief and began to pack up their equipment. You move to stand up, but feel a pain in your back. Opting to not injure yourself anymore you choose to just sit up, bracing yourself with one arm and using the other to rub a hand over your face, finding it damp with sweat. "W-what happened to me?" You ask, a medical pony stopping what he was doing to come over to you. "You were administered a very powerful magic capsule, intended to elevate the mind. However, your body rejected the capsule half-way through effect and you went into a pseudo-coma. Luckily your friends here contacted us before your heart rate went any lower, you're lucky to be alive right now" the medical pony finished as your friends joined you at your sides. "Don't mess with me like that Anon, you big stupid ape!" Rainbow scolded through tears, giving you a punch to the arm. "I'm so glad that you're okay Nonny, I just don't know what I would have done if you died. Well obviously I would have baked a funeral cake, but then after that I don't know what I would have done. You're my friend Nonny, all my friends are super-duper important to me!" Pinkie exclaimed, wrapping you and Rainbow in a hug. Her arms stretching to encompass both of you at once, classic Pinkie. "Thanks for calling the ambulance for me guys, I seriously owe you one. Tell you what, if you ever stop by my stand I'll give you guys a half-off discount!" You say, causing both of your saviors to give you a very annoyed look. "I-I mean one totally free secession, the works and everything!" You correct, appeasing the girls and bringing the situation back to a slightly happier note. "Well Mr. Anon, there's still the matter of expenses for your treatment" the medical pony said, pulling your focus away from the girls. "Oh yeah, um. How deep am I in for doc?" You ask, already feeling a weight in your stomach forming at the cost of your treatment/resuscitation. "Well due to the immediate response team, equipment cost and other factors, your total is 1,500 bits" the medical pony stated matter-of-factly, the weight inside your stomach dropped and ripped through all the good feels you had right now. You didn't have that kind of money, let alone wanted to pay it even if you did. But these ponies did save your life, so you forced yourself to your feet and reached into your back pocket. "Huh? Oh crap, I don't have my wallet on me. I must've left it in my car, I'll be right back" you explain, excusing yourself outside through the back door and then proceeded to run like hell away from the club, leaving a very confused group of ponies wondering what a ‘car’ is. "HAHAHA You'll never get my money you fucking goblins!" You bellow into the cold night air, continuing to bolt for the train station. Saying a silent prayer that there will still be trains running this late. Luckily for you there was one train left, however it was already leaving the station. Using your one year of high school track training, you sprinted for your leaving ride. Needing to gain more speed you threw your arms straight out behind you and Naruto ran for your life. You just barely got a hand onto the caboose and hauled yourself onto the moving train, watching as the station became smaller and smaller as you moved farther away from it. “Now to just ride this baby back to the safety of ponyville” you remark, leaning against the caboose railing and taking a moment to catch your breath. Looking out on the distant shape of ponyville getting further and further away… “WAIT- AW FUCK!” You yell out, realizing that you had boarded a train going the wrong way. Now you were headed further into Canterlot and away from the safety of your own apartment. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” An annoyed female voice asked, waking you from your nap. You had fallen asleep from the rocking of the train, allowing your eyes to close and rest after the sprint you had done to catch the train. “Uh… a human?” You answer, hoping she was interested in your form and not the fact you were technically a stow-away on the train. Taking a moment to look at the mare you took note of her soft pink coat and dark red mane, a small conductor’s cap sat atop her head, behind her horn. She had a smug smirk on her face, her hoof impatiently tapping at the floor. “Well, a stow-away is a stow-away. No matter whatever it is, She remarked, turning and calling back into the inside of the car. “Give the guards a heads-up, we caught a stow-away and it is ugly!” She ordered back, turning back around to you, an even more smug grin on her face now. “He,” you corrected, startling and confusing the mare. “HE is a human, and HE is not ugly!” you bark at her, rising to your feet and towering over the now terrified mare. “W-well I’m sorry and- someponygetthisthingrestrained!” She screamed as she bolted back into the caboose, locking the door behind her with her magic. Standing there proud of the way you upheld your human honor, you didn’t notice as a purple-armored bat pony shot a dart into your neck until it was already imbedded in you. “Ow! What the fu…” you start to protest, but before you could finish your complaint you collapse onto the ground, out cold. Waking up you find yourself in a dimly lit room, a thick curtain covering what you assume to be a window, allowing only a sliver of light to shine through. ~~“Man, this author sure likes to write about me waking up huh?” You asked yourself.~~ “Urgh, my head. What was that?” You groan as you slowly rise to your feet, immediately feeling the sensation of something watching you. “H-hello?” You call out nervously, backing away towards the window. “Greetings sir Anon, we must say that we hath a strong interest in thyself…” a smooth female voice said, her dark form crossing just out of view. “Hold on a sec, Luna? Is that you?” You ask as you turn around and open the window, letting light spill in and blinding the princess of the night. “A-Anon, close the blinds! It is most uncomfortable!” Luna scolds as she casts a wing over her face Phantom of the Opera style. “Man if you wanted me this bad you could’ve just asked y’know” you say as you begin to undo your pants. “A-Anon, we hath not brought you here for love making. We needed your expertise!” Luna squeaked out as her face reddened watching you disrobe. “Oh… Right, I knew that. I just work better with no pants on!” You explain, taking a seat on her large bed, pantless. “Take a seat princess, we can start whenever you’re ready” You say, using your usual professional voice and giving her a welcoming smile, that if not for the fact you were only in your boxers, would have been quite handsome. “W-we thank thee Anon” Luna responded, trotting over to the bed and laying on it. Resting her head in your lap, allowing you to stroke her ethereal mane. “So, what seems to be the problem?” You ask, using all your self control not to pop a chub and throat-punch the princess with your meat hammer. “Well, as you know we hath just recently returned to Equestria and returned to our whole self as well” she begins, rubbing her hoof in small circles on the quilt. “And although my sister is doing all that she can for our integration back into society, it feels as though we art disconnected from our ponies. They seem to distance themselves from us, silently mocking us” she finishes, looking up at you for your answer. “Well, have you thought about the language barrier between you and your people- I mean ponies?” You ask, making sure to use the correct terminology with one of the two celestial pseudo-gods. “What art thou referring to? We speak as a refined ruler should!” Luna exclaimed, rising off the bed and stand on the floor in front of you. “H-hey, chill! I’m just saying that perhaps your ‘refined dialect’ isn’t connecting well with the ponies” you explain, putting your hands up in defence. “Hmmm… Thoust may speak true, but what proof do you have?” Luna questioned, peering daggers at you. You offer her only a deadpan stare, unamused by her stupid question. “You know how I know almost everypony, and almost everypony know me?” You ask, getting a slow nod from Luna. “Well, it’s because I don’t ‘talkith like this, forsooth and qualm’” you mock, regretting your actions when Luna put one of her shoed hooves onto your chest and pushed you back onto the bed. “THOU WILST WATCH THINE TONGUE WORM!” Luna bellowed out in the royal canterlot voice, blowing out your eardrums in the process. “Jesus fuck! This is the shit I’m talking about Luna, this is why we can’t have nice things!” You scolded, probably louder than you needed to. But you were probably deaf, so fuck it. “Excuse me princess, I heard you yell and I came to see…” A female bat pony said as she pushed open Luna’s doors, but trailed off when she saw you pantless, pinned beneath Luna’s hoof. A deep blush taking over her face she slowly closed the door and from the sound of it, galloped as far away as she could from the room, letting out a high-pitched ‘squee’. “T-that was weird?” You ask, looking back at the now flustered Luna. “Y-yes, most awkward” she agreed, stepping off of you and taking a seat next to you. You put an arm around her, her body tensing for a moment, but relaxed and leaned into your form. “Well, just take what I said and think about it. Try to relate to your people on a more casual level, try talking like them a bit. Maybe it’ll work, who knows?” You explain, standing and giving her a little bow goodbye, heading for the door. Opening it and starting to leave when you’re stopped by Luna’s touch on your back, tuning you see the princess smiling at you. “Thank you Anon, we- I will try to do what you said” Luna says, surprised when you embrace her in a hug. “It was my pleasure” you whisper, placing a small receipt onto the floor. Standing back up you give her one final smile before leaving. You walk down the many winding hallways of Canterlot castle, making your way towards the exit when you hear a booming voice echoing from Luna’s room. “1500 BITS! ANON!” You sprint the rest of the way through the castle, exiting the castle and continuing your break-neck speed all the way to the train station. Not resting until you had boarded a train actually heading for Ponyville.
What Do You Mean? Of Course I'm Qualified!"C'mon Twilight, you can't do this!" You protest as your stuff is tossed out of the library door. "No Anon, I've had it with your nonsense! All you do is lounge around the house, eat, and complain! You don't even pay rent!" Twilight scolded back, continuing to decorate the front road of the library with all of your belongings. Bending over you begin to scoop your stuff into your arms, upset that Twilight would kick you out. When she had warned you you thought it was a joke! Grumbling you look back to the library, your past home. "How am I supposed to carry all my Shit Twilight?!" You ask, your question being answered as a cardboard box pegs you in the head, knocking you to the ground. "Stupid fucking purple horse, goddamn cardboard boxes" you grumble to yourself as you pick yourself up and start filling the box with your stuff. Having finally packed all your belongings into the box you pick it up in your arms, glad that you didn't buy anything heavy during your year here in Equestria. Deciding to move on with your life, away from purple-smart. you start walking to Rarity's business/house, hoping that the element of generosity will be generous enough to let you live with her for a while. Bursting into Rarity's business with a loud "SOMEBODY" while kicking open the door, you startle her and cause her to make a large slash into the fabric she was cutting. Turning to face you she had a look of terror and rage on her dainty features. "Hey Rarity, can I live with you for like..... forever?" You ask as she trots over to you, scissors still in her magical grasp and making you nervous. "H-hey, what were you, uh, working on when I came in?" You ask nervously, beginning to back away towards the door. "It was a dress commissioned by a miss Fleur De Lis, a VERY influential and particular pony" Rarity says while still continuing to advance on you, scissors in her etherial grasp. "Sorry about your dress, I'll just comebacklaterokbye" You say quickly as the scissors find themselves lodged into the door, only a few inches away from your head. Quickly exiting and slamming the door behind you, running from the Boutique until you were outside of Rarity's scissor-wielding range. Finally feeling like you were safe, you began to slow down and took some deep breaths. Having calmed your nerves and your heart-rate, making a mental note to maybe start exercising again, you hear an obnoxious laughing above you. Looking up you notice Rainbow Dash on a cloud, clearly having seen your antics at Rarity's. You shake your head, knowing very well that there was no way that she would ever let something like this go. Looking up again you notice her coming down to probably mock you, goddamn skittle-head. "Oh sweet Celestia that is too good! You just got chased out by Rarity, RARITY! I didn't think it was possible for her to scare anypony with her whole: Oh darling, don't track dirt inside!" Rainbow says through fits of laughter and tears. "Yeah yeah, yuk it up cuddle buddy" you say, making sure to emphasize the 'cuddle buddy' part, knowing that it would get a reaction out of her. You were right, watching her face flush at your pet name for her. "H-hey! Keep it down, you pinkie promised not to tell anypony about that" Rainbow says her eyes flicking back and forth, making sure nopony heard you. "Yeah, well you don't have any fingers, so *phhht*" You say ending your explanation with a fart noise from your mouth. "Whatever" she looks back at you "Why were you at Rarity's anyway, didn't you already get clothes last week?" She asks, her head tilting in a quizzical way, making you resist the urge to scratch behind her ears. You fail at this, reaching a hand to her head and beginning to scratch behind her ear. Making her let out a soft moan as she presses her head into your palm. "I got kicked out by Twilight for no reason and I was gonna ask her if she'd let me move in, but I ruined some upity-up's dress. Whatever." You explain, continuing your assault on Rainbow's head with your fingers. "Mmm yeah, Twilight mhmm. Don't stop" Rainbow mumbles, beginning to stomp her hind leg like an adorable dog. "So, I was wondering if maybe you'd let me move in with you? There'd be as many cuddles, belly rubs, ear scratches and whatever else you want!" You say, trying to persuade her to let you move in (hopefully rent-free). Your words take Rainbow out of your trance and she looks at you with a happy, then a very sad face. "I'd love for that, but there's just one problem. I live in Cloudsdale, y'know, like in the sky. Normally it wouldn't be a problem for anypony else, but since you react really weird to magic I don't think you'd be able to. Sorry" She says, her heart sinking as she looks away from you. "Shit, I forgot about that" you say, now beginning to run out of ideas of where to live. "You could always try Fluttershy, she's always looking to help the creatures of Equestria and I don't think she'd mind you living with her. Last I talked to her, apparently she has a little crush on you" Rainbow said, accentuating the information with a wiggle of her eyebrows at you. "Yeah, YEAH! Great idea Dash!" You exclaim as you give her one last scratch for her help, now setting off to find your sweet butterfly mare. You finally come into visible distance of Fluttershy's house, it feels like it changes how far away it is every ~~fanfic~~ time you visit. Crossing over the small bridge and coming up to her door you decide to actually knock this time, just in case she's "busy" with her animals again, a scene you do NOT want to see again or remember. Knocking on the door you are surprised when you don't hear an answer, usually Futtershy would at least leave a note on her door if she had gone somewhere. "Hey, Fluttershy don't kill me, I'm coming in!" You warn as you open the door and are not met with your shy friend, but with the largest grizzly bear you had ever seen. "HOLY FUCK!" You scream before slamming the door on its snout, not wanting to end up like Di Caprio from the Revenant. You quickly turn your sights back to Ponyville, or more accurately to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe Applejack would let you stay in the barn? With this hopeful plan in your mind you make your way to your country friend's orchard. Eventually reaching the edge of the apple tree lines you make your way towards the Apple family farm, your belongings still in the box in your arms. You make your way through the rows-and-rows of apple trees, finally gaining sight of the old house sitting on the hill. Stepping up to the porch with your belongings in hand you can hear some kind of conflict coming from inside. "I told ya youngns that if ya drank too much cider that ya'd make some bad decisions!" Granny Smith yells out angrily. "It was just an accident Granny, we swear not ta do it again!" Applejack retorts desperately, hopelessness in her voice. "Isn't that right Big Mac?" Applejack asks. "Eyup" He answered stoically, apparently even when being scolded by family. "Accident or not, that don't change tha fact that ya slept with ya brother!" Granny Smith scolds loudly. With that said you decide to leave, not wanting to get involved in some weird country pony incest-fest. With only one pony left you set your sights on Sugercube Corner, hoping that the happiest pony you know would be happy enough to let you stay with her, even if you had to live in the basement of the place like some troglodyte. Making your way back into town, your arms now killing you from having to carry around all your shit practically all day. Walking through Ponyville proper with all of your belongings in a cardboard box netted you some really weird looks from any of the ponies that walked by you, now you really were starting to feel like a homeless person. Walking up to the gingerbread house business of Sugercube Corner, you notice that it's actually busy today. Weird, you thought to yourself, it seemed still too early for any of the kids to be out of school. Opting to solve this mystery, you walk inside and take notice of all of the ponies dressed in loose flowing clothing. Calming your member from the sight of these equine bellydancers, you begin to search for Pinkie Pie in and amongst them. What you found was not the usual Pinkie you knew (usual being a very, very loose term with her), but some sort of gypsy fortuneteller Pinkie seated at a table with a crystal ball. Working your way through the crowd, you eventually make your way to her table. "Hey Pinkie, I was wondering if-" you start, but are cut off when Pinkie raises a bracelet covered hoof to your lips. "I know why you are here Anon, you wish to find lodging here" Pinkie says whilst waving her hooves over the crystal ball. "Yeah, that's exactly it! So, whatta ya say?" You ask, now becoming more and more entranced by the swirling images inside the crystal ball. "I cannot help you Anon, I must help my kind first. However you should use your talents to get a job, you are great at listening to ponies and are always gentile with their feelings and insecurities" Pinkie says looking at you while all your attention is on the ball. "Huh, what did you say?" You ask, snapped from your trance by Pinkie placing her hoof on your shoulder. "I said that you should get a job where you listen and talk to ponies, I think you'd be good at it" Pinkie says a hopeful smile coming across her face. "I guess, Alright I'll do it! Ill become the best um, talker ever!" You exclaim, startling a few gypsies around you. "Thanks so much Pinkie, even if you didn't help me at all with my real problem" You say, turning to leave. "Your real problem is that you're a lazy piece of shit" Pinkie mumbles under her breath, going unnoticed by you as you leave the building. You head back to Twilight's, more so for the library aspect than to go back to living there. God knows what she would do to you then. Pushing those thoughts from your head as you open the door to the library, you notice Twilight at the main check-out desk reading a book. She begins to speak as you enter, slowly raising her head from her reading. "Welcome to the Ponyville library, if there's anything that- Why are you here" She says, having started with the basic greetings she gives everypony that comes into the library, but turning to annoyance when she lifts her head and sees you. "Hey, I'm here to look for a job and I thought that maybe you could help me. Y'know for old times sake, buddy?" You explain, quickly throwing your hands up incase she decided to blast you. "A job, really. That's wonderful, but I don't buy it. I know you Anon, you'd rather kill yourself before putting effort into anything" She accuses while stepping out from behind her desk and approaching you. "Hey, that's not true! I just put a ton of effort into finding a place that I could live! And I am serious about this job, that's why I came to the smartest pony I know" You say, taking a few steps forward to meet her. Noticing that your compliment had taken effect on her, causing a slight blush to creep onto her face. "W-well I suppose that I could help you, since you're so determined. What kind of job did you have in mind?" Twilight asks taking a seat in front of you and levitating a quill and notepad towards her. "I had this idea to have a job where I listen to ponies, then say what I think" You say enthusiastically, also taking a seat on the ground. "So, like a counselor?" Twilight asks with an eyebrow raised in suspicion. "No, nothing like that. You know I hate other people's relationships" you explain. "Yeah, because they make you feel insignificant" She mumbles "Well then maybe a psychiatrist or a therapist then?" She offers with a bit of excitement. "Y'know maybe a therapist isn't so bad, I get to hear ponies' issues and them give them my advice!" You say getting into the idea of being a therapist, memories of all the adult videos where 'therapists' gave some 'special treatment' to their 'patients' beginning to flood into your head while a bit of blood traveled south. "Alright I'll set up somewhere and I'll start taking patients. Twilight, could you do me a favor and spread word around town that this is happening?" You ask, noticing Twilight look back up at you, her eyes having lingered on something else. "Sure, but don't you need to be qualified to be a therapist?" Twilight asks, placing the quiz and notepad down on a table across the room. "Qualified? Of course I'm qualified I majored in human communication, that's like 100% of therapist-ing" You exclaim, covering up your lack of knowledge with bullshit, like usual. With passion in your heart, a wide open future ahead of you, and a complaining Twilight behind you, you set out to achieve your brand-new dream of being the Ponyville therapist.
Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y!Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y! "And finished" you say while wiping away a small bead of sweat forming on your brow, content with your work. For the last few hours you have been busy constructing your 'therapy stand', or something like that. It reminded you of the kind on The Peanuts, one of your favorite childhood cartoons, or at least the holidays when you watched them. With a big smile of accomplishment plastered on your face you push Rarity's drama couch closer, having 'borrowed' it from her. Taking a seat behind your plywood business stand, you flip the hand painted sign from a sloppy closed to the equally sloppy open. Now all you had to do was wait, hopefully Twilight would come through and spread word about your totally legit business. To dispel any doubts, you hand-made yourself a PHD in feelings and a practicing license that merely said: "Fuck you, I have a PHD". A few minutes pass and still you sat there alone, patiently tapping your fingers rhythmically on the desktop. Looking up you noticed a few pegasus moving clouds into larger bunches, probably preparing for rain. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have your business outside, especially since you don't bother to check the weather. You're pulled from your thoughts of how to improve your business when you hear a familiar voice calling your attention. "Hey! Anon, can you hear me?!" A very familiar purple 'dragon' said, causing you to look over the counter at your small customer. "Hey, what's good my lizard bro?" You say, holding out your fist for a bump with spike, who returns it with enthusiasm. "Twi told me that you're some kind of a therapist now, so I thought I'd come over and maybe talk with you. Y'know, work out some of my problems?" He asked hopefully while twirling his claws nervously. "Aw hell yea, go ahead and take a seat and we can start!" You say, quickly grabbing a quill and notepad, spike taking a seat on Rarity's couch. "Just start talking and we'll begin working out any issues you have" you say in the most professional tone you can muster. "Well, the thing is nopony pays attention to me and when they do, they just think that everything I say is some kind joke" Spike says, using his clawed hands to really accentuate his dialogue. "Mhmm, I see" you say as you scribble some drawings of anime characters onto your notepad. "Well, I was hoping that maybe you'd have some advice as to how I could make ponies listen to me, since enverypony listens to you. I mean, well, you know" Spike said, desperately clutching to the hope of your advice. You decide to speak onto him some knowledge that your dad taught you, taking a moment to decide which one to use. 'There's no crying in baseball'? No, that doesn't make any sense, maybe: 'If life gives you lemons make life take the lemons back, I don't want your damn lemons! Do you have any idea who I am? I'm-' no, that's not even your dad's advice. Wracking your brain you finally find the perfect phrase to help spike: 'If you want people to respect you son, don't be a pussy. Now wipe that piss up and get me a beer from the fridge'. It was perfect! "Well Spike, in my professional opinion I think that the best thing for you to do is to stop being such a big scaly pussy" you say, finishing up your doodles and looking at a now shocked Spike. "W-what? Stop being a pussy?" Spike says with a small blush on his scaled face. "Yep, quit being a pussy. Get mad! Take what you want, don't let anypony or anybody tell you what you can or can't do! Demand to see life's manager!" You yell, getting a bit too excited. "Y-yeah! You're right, though I'm not sure what that last part was about, but you're right. I should take my life into my own claws and make everypony take me seriously!" Spike exclaims, shooting off the couch and starts running off towards Ponyville. "Hey, Spike! Aren't you forgetting something?" You say with a finger pointed at your price sign. "W-what! No way! 50 bits, that's just ridiculous!" Spike protests and begins to turn back towards Ponyville. "Pay up or I tell Rarity about your little 'doll' of her" you threaten, making him turn around and stomp back to your stall. "Fine, you know that you can be a real ass sometimes Anon" Spike says while placing a hefty bag of bits on your counter, probably his allowance from a few weeks of saving. "Yeah, well I have a PHD" you retort, placing the bag of bits under your counter. "Whatever Anon" Spike says, turning back to Ponyville and walking away, now bitless. You knew that he'd thank you later, you just boosted his confidence! You taught him to take life by the metaphorical balls and not to let anypony tell him no, teaching him to man-up and do what he wants and take what he wants. With a big smile on your face and the rain beginning to come down, you place a tarp over all your stuff and head off to get some dinner. You've had a long day and felt that you deserved something nice, maybe you'd hit up Rainbow for some drinks. "So, you're telling me that this is Anon's fault?" Twilight asked the now normal-sized Spike, having just bought him back from Godzilla-like levels of huge. "Kinda, he said for me to 'not be a pussy' and to not let anypony tell me what to do" Spike confessed like a dirty rat. "Is this true Anon?" Twilight asked annoyedly, clearly exhausted from having to fix ~~your~~ Spike's mistake. "No, well maybe a little. But how was I supposed to know about 'dragon's greed' and that spike was going to become fucking Godzilla all of a sudden?!" You exclaim, not liking being the center of the problem. "Well I guess that it's both of your faults, so both of you can help to rebuild everything that was destroyed" Twilight says with a smug smile on her face, fucking horse. "But why? That's not fair!" Both you and Spike let out in almost perfect unison, clearly not wanting to do what Twilight suggested. "No buts, this is a royal order!" Twilight says, flaring her wings for emphasis. "A royal order from a librarian, heh fuck my life" You mumble out angrily, trudging off with spike to join in on the reconstruction of Ponyville. After working for hours you finally finished rebuilding the last house, boy were you glad that magic existed here. Back on Earth a construction job like this would take months, if not years to finish. Mostly due to the political bullshit that had to be done around it first. With the last pieces of straw placed on the roof you m make your way down to ground level, your entire body drenched in sweat. You hated sweating, it always made everything uncomfortable, especially when your ass sweated. And boy was your ass sweating. Exhausted, you made your way to the Ponyville motel for the night. Placing a few bits on the counter and getting your key, you didn't even bother closing your door before you fell into bed, still dressed in your dirty clothes.
Have You Ever Heard of Juice? [Pt. 1]Waking up the next morning you were assaulted by your own stench, the stink of sweat emanating off of your body. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to just jump into bed while still wearing your clothes you had worked in? Shrugging it off as another life lesson learned, you peeled yourself from the sheets and made your way to the bathroom. After draining the old 'one-eyed-snake', making sure to shake out every last drop (still managing to have one small drip come out into your pants) you disrobed and got into the pony-sized shower. You had gotten used to washing yourself whilst hunched over, finding it somewhat more enjoyable than standing and washing. Forced to hunch over you got to feel the warm water hit your whole body all at once! Finishing the song you were singing and stepping out of the shower, turning off the water as you exited, you dried yourself off and went to the mirror to admire yourself. Looking yourself over in the mirror you realized two things about yourself. One, you were pretty good looking, having lost a few pounds (ironically) from your time in Equestria. And two, you had a pony stalker standing behind you- WAIT WHAT!? Turning around quickly, making sure your hand was securing the towel around your waist, you stared at a familiar mint unicorn. "Fuck off Lyra, I'm not letting you use my hands for anything!" You yell at the intruder, marching towards her to force her out. "B-but you promised to help me!" She exclaimed as you began to push her along, towards the door. "Yeah, I had promised to help you, not finger-bang you! Goddamn pony pervert!" You accuse as you finally get her through the doorframe, now staring at a disappointed Lyra. "Like you have anything to say, I saw the way you looked at my flank that day" she said, her face changing from disappointment to a sly smirk. "It had been a long time without me seeing.... a thing!" You exclaimed as you failed to hide your blush as you remembered the same day. "You mean a vagina Anon?" Lyra asked sultrily, giving you a playful wiggle of her eyebrows. "Ew, don't say it like that! It sounds gross and doesn't change the fact that it's too early for this" You say, beginning to close the door on the lewd mare. "Wait Anon!" She exclaimed, putting her hoof in the way of the door "Can we at least hang out later?" She asked, giving you the infamous 'pony puppy-dog eyes'. Clutching your chest to fight off the pure cuteness overload assaulting your heart, you looked down at the mare, a hint of sympathy beginning to spread through you like a plague. You were just about today yes when you were struck by an epiphany, you had an excuse! You worked now and could use that to get out of awkward situations like this! Clearing your throat you answered Lyra with your newly constructed excuse, sure that this wouldn't be the last time that you used it on her and others. "I'm afraid that I cannot 'hang out', I'm very busy with work today and will not be free for a while" you said in the most professional tone you could muster. "You, working? Yeah right!" Lyra exclaimed, beginning to laugh loudly. Offended that she would think so low of you to lie, well maybe it wasn't such a hard thing to not believe. Collecting what was let of your dignity you shut the door on the laughing mare, still able to hear her laughter through the wooden portal. Turning back to your box of belongings you dug around until you found some clothes, opting for a colored shirt and jeans. You had to look at least a bit professional while you were operating your 'legitimate business'. Opening the door you moved around the still laughing Lyra and went downstairs, hoping to get a piece of that complimentary breakfast before work. Unfortunately you found the lobby totally devoid of any signs of food, except for the snacks in the vending machine. Figuring something was better than nothing you bought a bag of your favorite snack, Cheezy Pooferz®, now with 200% more cheese! Opening the bag and breathing in the rich scent of artificial cheese flavoring before grabbing a handful and shoving them into your waiting maw, covering your hand, shirt, and face in orange powder. "Oh well" you let out muffled by the amount of cheesy snacks currently being consumed. Making your way outside you headed for where you had stashed your business, hoping nothing had happened to it. Walking through the park you took an off-road detour to where you had hidden your stall under a tarp, finding it undamaged and completely intact, Rarity's couch still there as well! Doing a little fist pump you started to uncover and drag your business out of its hiding spot and onto the main path, hoping that the new location would bring some more business. After getting everything set-up you flipped the sign from 'Closed' to 'Open', taking a seat behind the desk and waiting for anypony to join you. [A Few Hours Later] "How many times do I have to teach you this lesson old man?! I don't sell any goddamn sunflower seeds!" You exclaimed, slamming a fist onto the desk and startling a few nearby ponies in the park. "Oh, well that's alright sonny. I'll check back later, tootleoo!" The old pony said before hobbling away. You let out an annoyed sigh, running your hand over your face. It had been hours now and the only pony who had come by was the same old geezer, asking if you had sunflower seeds. what did he think you were, a baseball dugout? You slammed your head down onto the desk, already feeling done with the day. You were brought back to the world around you when you heard someone clearing their throat in front of you, causing you to lift your head to see who interrupted your moping. "I don't have any sunflower seeds" you say emotionless before laying your head back on the desk. "W-what? I don't want any sun- Um, I heard that you were a therapist?" The mare asked, causing you to look back up and really study the mare standing at your stall. She was a plum colored mare with a raspberry pink mane and tail, her cutiemark being a bunch of grapes next to a strawberry. You immediately recognized her as the town drunk Berry Punch, a frequent partner of yours at the Ponyville Pub. Sitting up and giving her a big smile you offered her a seat on 'your' therapy couch. "Why don't you go ahed and take a seat and we'll begin" you say with your mock-professional tone, gesturing to the seat. "O-ok?" Berry said, slowly trotting over to the couch and hopping onto it, taking a minute to get comfortable. Pulling out your notepad and quill, you flipped to a sheet not covered in doodles and dipped the quill in ink. Looking up at Berry Punch you gave her another big smile, glad that you finally had another customer. "You can start whenever and however you'd like Miss Punch" you said in your now nicknamed: 'business' tone, lightly placing the quill against the paper. "Well, I got told by my friend Carrot Top to come see you after she heard about a therapist in town. At first I refused, I didn't think that I had any problem" She said, lying on her back and looking up at the blue sky. "What was the problem Carrot Top thought you had?" You asked out of politeness and professionalism, knowing very well what problem her friend was concerned with. "Well, I admit that I may, drink a bit more than I should. But only on special occasions!" She explained, quickly making a point to give context to her excessive drinking. "Right, what was so special about last Wednesday?" You asked sarcastically, having been in the pub with her at the time. "T-that was, um, my uh.... Ok, I drink a lot. Often, really often" Berry admitted, her ears folding back against her head as her face began to flush red. "That's a good step in the right direction, you have to admit there is a problem before you can start fixing it" you quoted, remembering that phrase from a fortune cookie you ate once. "Y-yeah, you're right Doc! Well, what's the next step?" Berry asked as she sat up and turned to face you, a hopeful smile on her adorable face. "Well, maybe instead of drinking cider and wine, you find a healthy alternative?" You offered, the solution not really that hard for you to see. Simply: Stop drinking you damn alcoholic! "So I should drink like beer and liquor?" She asked, tilting her head a bit in confusion. Was she serious? Did she just ask if she should be drinking different alcohol after being told to stop drinking?! Face-palming you began again, hoping to bring her to the same level of basic intelligence that you possessed. "No, no booze. Why not instead of alcohol, you drink water?" You asked hopeful that she would catch on to what you were saying. "I don't like water, there's no flavor and sometimes it tastes funny and makes me fall asleep!" She exclaimed, startling you. She had been drugged with water before? WTF?! Pushing that point aside you offered a different beverage idea. "What about juice or punch" you saw her ears perk up "Not spiked punch, nonalcoholic!" You scolded, making her go from interested to confused. "Nonalcoholic? Also, what's juice?" She asked, making you look at her as if she asked what the sun was. "You're joking right, you've heard of juice before right?" You asked, becoming increasingly worried as to the level of this pony's intelligence. "N-no, is it like wine?" Berry asked embarrassed. "Um, well kinda. It just is sweeter and doesn't have any alcohol in it" you explained, trying to put it into terms she would understand. "Oh!.... I don't get it" she deadpanned, causing you to rise from your seat and flip your sign back to 'Closed'. "Come on, I'm going to get you some juice ~~you stupid drunk~~" you said, deciding to leave the last half of your comment inside your head. You waited for Berry to hop off of the couch, standing patiently while she figured out what was going on. Now with the confused drunk behind you, you made your way back to the motel. You entered the lobby and walked over to the vending machine, putting in a few bits and pressing the option for a simple grape juice. Picking up the dispensed beverage you unscrewed the lid and handed it to Berry Punch, watching her face contort in confusion as she took the bottle into her hooves. She brought the bottle to her snout and gave the contents a short sniff before she placed her lips gently against the opening and took a sip, slowly exploring the flavor. Her eyes widening in excitement as she swallowed the first sip, quickly beginning to chug the entire bottle in one go. It was actually kind of hot to watch. "This stuff is awesome! And you said there's no alcohol inside?!" She asked skeptically, narrowing her eyes at you as she tried to figure-out if you were just feeding her a ruse. "Yep, 100% nonalcoholic! Your friend Carrot Top shouldn't mind you drinking this stuff" you said, presuming that the change from booze and liquors to simple juice would please the ginger mare. "Wow! You sure are a miracle-worker Doc, I'll have to tell all of my friends about you!" Berry exclaimed as she sucked on the empty bottle, hoping to get out just a bit more of the sweet liquid. "Well, I'm glad to help. For a price of course!" You joked, laughing nervously, hoping you hadn't just sounded like a total Chad. "Oh right! I almost forgot, how much do I owe you Doc?" Berry asked, pulling out a small bag of bits. Deciding to charge her the usual rate (plus a little extra because of the drink you bought her), you pretended to think of a price. "I'm feeling generous today so I'll only charge you sixty bits" you said in your business tone. Berry Punch happily counted out the payment and placed it in your hands, moving past you to begin putting her remaining bits into the vending machine, purchasing bottle after bottle of juice. Crazy mare. With a big smile on your face and a pocket full of bits you headed back to your stall to fully close up, making sure that your stuff was hidden and covered. You hoped that you could find Rainbow and get a drink with her, wanting to tell her the story of today. You chuckled at the irony of it all as you returned to the park, finding the same old stallion from earlier digging through your desk. "HEY!" You cried out, causing the old stallion to turn tail and run away. You quickly ran over to your stall, luckily finding everything present. After moving your stand back to its hiding place off the trail and making sure it was covered, you made a mental note to buy a bag of emergency sunflower seeds. Just in case that same old stallion came by tomorrow. With your planned purchase in mind and business closed for the day, you started walking towards the usual field Rainbow practiced above. Author's Note Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Expect more updates soon! Also, I'm interested in finding an editor that would have early access to all of my stories and would get a personal thanks in either the Author's Notes or Long Description of any stories they help on. This position is open for anyone, but don't feel like I'm demanding assistance. I'll still release chapters and stories with or without a helpful editor. Phew, that was a long Author Note. As Always, feedback is appreciated. ~Muddy
HaVE yOu eVEr HeaRD oF JuiCE? [Pt. 2]"RAINBOW!" You bellow out in search of your technicolor friend, the bits from Berry Punch sitting heavy in your pockets. You had walked to the field that Rainbow Dash usually practiced at, hoping to find her here and not at work, though you felt that your odds were good since you can't actually remember a time that she was working. Shrugging to your own wondering, you took a seat on the lush grass. It felt nice to actually be a part of society, not some library goblin that spent all his time eating and complaining. Only ever leaving your lair to go to the pub and get absolutely shit-faced, repeating the process every week. You knew your liver hated you, but fuck it, there's probably a potion to cure liver failure. "Hey Anon, what's up?" You hear Rainbow say, pulling you from your mind and back to reality. "I was wondering if you wanted to celebrate the curing of an alcoholic by going and drinking with me?" You ask, the irony of your plan not lost on you, nor Rainbow Dash as she began to snicker. "Hehe, that's messed up dude. Plus it's only like two, isn't it a bit early for drinking?" Rainbow asked accusingly. "It's never too early to drink, and if you really want to wait until later, I hear that drinking is a great way to pass time" you offer, the genius of your plan already in action. "HA! Alright big guy, let's go party" Rainbow said, finally giving in. "Did somepony say party?!" Pinkie asks excitedly, seemingly appearing from thin-air. "Oh sweet jesus, don't do that pinkie" you say, clutching your heart from the sudden shock of pinkie appearing. "Sorry, it's just that the author wanted to really give this chapter some umph!" Pinkie exclaims quickly before bouncing over to Rainbow and you, throwing her arms around both of you. "The what?" Both Rainbow and you ask Pinkie, your question falling on deaf ears as she started bouncing ahead. "Come on! We need to be early to get a good spot!" Pinkie called back, already a good ways ahead of you. "What does she mean 'we need to be early to get a good spot'? Where is she taking us?" Rainbow asked as she began to follow her excited friend. "I don't know and honestly it's better if I don't have to think about it, as long as there's drinks I'll be happy" you explained as you also began to follow Pinkie, quickly catching up with Rainbow and walking along side her. You felt like there was a lot of fun in-store for the three of you... Pinkie had brought you to the train station and booked a ticket for Canterlot, confused but interested Rainbow and you followed. You had gotten some weird looks from the citizens of Canterlot city, most of them not being used to you. Moving through crowds of suspicious ponies you were eventually led to a large building, a buff stallion standing outside of the doors. Pinkie had bounced right up to him, quickly giving him three slips of paper, where she had gotten them you can only wonder. The stallion had smiled at pinkie and then usher the three of you inside, where you were assaulted with the atmosphere of the place. There was electronic music playing at a painfully loud level, flashing lights worthy of an epilepsy shot through the smoke and crowd. There was a distinct smell of sweat, alcohol, and bad decisions rising off of the sea of ponies dancing inside. Worming your way through the crowd, a few mares getting a bit handsy as you passed them, you finally reached the bar. From the bar you were able to see that a white unicorn with purple shades was the beloved DJ of the night, her stylized neon mane shaking as she bobbed her head to the beat. Pulling your eyes off of the rather attractive DJ, you order you and your friends a few shots taking them and looking around the room for the two mares. You spotted them in a small round booth, a few stallions busy chatting with them when you rolled up. They cleared out pretty fast once they saw you, their terrified eyes traveling upwards to look at your alien face. Now left alone with nothing but an over hundred proof drink and your two friends, the whole night ahead. Downing your shots (and a few more) before engaging the dance floor. "Pinkie, this place is great!" You shout over the blasting electronic music, flashing lights streaking over your bodies. "I knew you'd like it! And it looks like Rainbow's enjoying herself too!" Pinkie exclaimed, pointing a hoof at your wasted friend who was busy chatting up a couple at the bar. "That mare is a real piece of work!" You remarked, busting some sweet moves. "You're dancing is the real piece of work here Anon!" Pinkie mocked, the slur of inebriation audible in her voice. Then again, it was in yours too. "I have no idea what you mean, my moves are straight fire!" You proclaimed, switching to another laughably bad dance move.. You didn't really have any moves that matched the rapid beat of the music, except maybe the seizure. You finished dancing to the current wubs and other strange electronic sounds, the DJ switching to a slower song. You watched her leave the turntable and head for the bar, you left Pinkie and also started heading for the bar. "Hey, I'll be right back Pinkie" you said as you made your way to the mysterious mare, you had to know who she was. "Okie dokie lokie" Pinkie said as she meandered off to find a new dancing partner, you felt bad for whoever she chose. Knowing there was no way that anyone could keep up with the hyperactive pony. Moving through the sea of ponies on the dance floor you finally reached the bar, this time only being molested a measly ten times. These mares had to pick-up their game. Taking a minute to order drink from the bartender for courage, you slid over to stand next to the DJ. "Two shots of Everfree clear" the DJ said to the bartender, surprising the both of you. Deciding to make your first move now, you spoke up. "Put it on my tab, courtesy of the alien" you say jokingly as the bartender smiled at your little inside joke, your action confusing the mare, causing her to turn and look at you. Her purple glasses gleaming with the reflected lights of the club as she stared. "Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little colt trying to make some moves on an innocent mare huh?" She asked, giving you a quick look up and down, her gaze lingering a bit on your lower half. "N-no, Baka!" You protest, your inner ~~goblin~~ weeb coming out. Shit, now she knows you're a virgin! "Hahaha, what dude!? You speak Japonese, that's hilarious!" She exclaimed, beginning to laugh hysterically at your knowledge of tongues. "Watashi wa sore wa chotto atsui to omoimasu" she said, giving you a playful smirk. Good GOD you could feel it ~~cumming~~ coming in the air tonight, this mare was making your hear skip a beat. Then again, it could be the alcohol making you think this, but fuck it. It felt good man. "So what's your name anyways?" You asked the DJ, causing her to give you a shocked look. Oh shit, you messed up. "You seriously haven't ever heard of me?" She asked offended that you had never heard of a DJ pony in Canterlot. "Um.... no?" You said, a bit of confusion as to why she was so upset over a little thing. "I don't really get out much, to Canterlot that is" you explained, watching the mare mellow a bit after hearing this. "Whatever man, I'm DJ PON3. Best DJ in equestria, my wubs are unmatched!" She boasted, downing one of her shots afterwords. "Yeah. That's cool and all, but what's your name?" You ask, wanting to know the mare behind the music. "Heh, that's my little secret. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal" she said, pulling you down to her level with a magical grasp to the back of your head. "If you can make it through the night with one of these," she held a small pill out to you "then maybe I'll consider telling you my real name. And maybe a bit more if you really impress me" she said teasingly , turning and walking back to her turntable. Giving you a perfect view of her flank, her tail swishing back-and-forth *just* hiding what treasures lied underneath. "I'd be careful E.T., I've seen her pull this stunt on stallions before. You'd be better off finding a different mare for the night" the bar pony said, using the stupid name you and given him. "Can't hear you, busy thinking with my dick" you mumbled out, popping the pill into your mouth and washing it down with the rest of your drink. Making your way back to the dance floor you found Pinkie dancing with an exhausted stallion, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as he gasped for air. Walking up to Pinkie you bent over and lifted her off the ground, placing her under your arm like a pillow. you got a silent "Thank you" from the stallion as he hobbled away, poor guy. "Hey Nonny, you're looking especially cute tonight" Pinkie said through a slurred voice, all whilst giving you a half-lidded bedroom gaze. Too bad for her, you already had a target locked. "And you are especially drunk tonight" you said, walking with her over to where Rainbow was sitting in a booth. A upset look on her face and drink in her hoof, perfect. "Look Pinkie, I don't think Rainbow's having any fun. Somepony should fix that!" You exclaimed, pointing a finger at your cyan friend. Pinkie immediately taking notice and launching from your grasp, taking a seat next to her. "Perfect, now all I have to do is make it through the night. It should be easy, I mean I haven't even felt- OH MY GAAAAAWD!" You cried out as you felt your body zooming through another dimension. This was the most intense trip you had ever felt, everything was a blur! You moved from the dace floor, to the bar, to the restroom, to the bar, and then back to the dance floor all in what felt like seconds. You could taste colors and see sounds, you were really in it to win it. Eventually you found yourself using some moves you had never known before, your shirt missing and sweat pouring down your body as you partied hardy. Finally, after what felt like hours (which it probably was) you regained control of your body and mind, finding the club almost devoid of life. "Hey hey big guy, looks like you made it. Congrats!" You heard DJ PON3 say, spinning to face her you took a moment to wipe the sweat from your face. "Holy shit, what was that!?" You exclaimed, both amazed and terrified of the experience you just had. "Condensed magic dude, really potent stuff" she explained, walking up to you and standing on her hind legs, using your chest for support. "Now I think I owe you something special, right?" She whispered into your ear, her sensual voice sending goosebumps down your back. "Why don't you come with me back to my place and we can 'hang-out' some more?" She said, dropping back down onto all fours. This mare was going to be the death of you, but you'd rather die with her than with a hand around your dick and a belt around your neck. Not that you had ever done something like that before! "Yes... Oh sweet lord yes!" You said, following your mysterious vixen. Turning you gave one last look backwards, noticing Pinkie and Rainbow still n their booth. A collection of bottles covered the table as they sat there, locking lips in one of the hottest drunk make-out sessions you had ever seen. Meh. They'll be fine, they have each-other" You said to yourself as you followed DJ PON3 out the back door and into the Canterlot city streets. You had followed the mare, engaging in bits of random small talk as you walked along. You found out that her real name was Vinyl Scratch and she used to work with another DJ until creative differences spilt them apart, also she had apparently dated that guy. You also learned that she was living with another mare: Octavia Melody, the two of them sharing the apartment they called home. What was interesting about this though was that her roommate was a classical cellist, an almost polar opposite to the music that Vinyl made. Apparently they got along just fine, well maybe a bit more than just fine if the way she spoke so fondly of her was any indication of. Placing the idea of a possible threesome into the recesses of your mind you continued to follow your mare (well not *your* mare, only just for the night). Giving thanks for the invention of alcohol and the bad decisions that came with it, you were glad that you were the bad decision that this mare had made. Following her inside a building you walked with her up a few flights of stairs, the elevator being broken, and now stood in front of a door numbered 69 (hehe, classic). "Here we are, feel free to take a seat. I'm gonna go clean up a bit, I'll be right back" Vinyl said, walking off into the depths of the apartment. "Excuse me, you're in my spot" you heard a different, but equally beautiful voice say. A light English accent pulling your attention to this new entity. "Hmm? Oh! Sorry, you must be Vinyl's roommate, I'm Anon" you said in a slurred speech, extending a hand in greetings, but the gesture wasn't returned by the mare. You only got an annoyed look from her. "Great, now Vinyl is sleeping with... whatever you are. Where is she?" Octavia asked, letting out a sigh as you pointed toward where you had seen her walk off to. The annoyed roommate trotting off in the same direction, you wondered why she was such a bitch. Moving on from your less than pleasant meeting with Vinyl's roommate you took a look around the room, taking in the orgy of evidence that there was some serious create clashing happening in this apartment. There were some rave advertisement posters stuck next to some really fine art, or at least an actual panting. You never really did pay attention in art class, so anything that wasn't a pencil sketch looked great. Moving your focus from the decor of the room, you were able to overhear the roommates argument in the other room. "What are you doing Vinyl, why did you come home with a.... a thing?!" Octavia interrogated her voice taking on an irritated tone. "Why do you care who, or what, I bring home? Oh, and he's a human by the way Tavi" Vinyl said with an equally irritated voice. "I care because I have to sleep in the same apartment as you, and your loud love-making!" Octavia exclaimed. "Well excuse me if I don't just sleep with ponies while I'm at my venue, I prefer my comfy bed!" Vinyl screamed back, confirming your suspicion of getting laid tonight. Score. "I-I have never slept with anypony whilst on business!" Octavia defended, her voice sounding very unconvincing. "Right, I'm sure you've never shared a moment with..." Vinyl said, the name of whatever pony being too quiet for you to hear from the room. Damn, you always loved juicy secrets. "You leave him out of this, he has noting to do with you and your 'human'" Octavia spat, putting a emphasis on the word human, like it left a bad taste in her mouth. "Why don't you just chill and spend the night with us? I know it's been a long time since you got a proper rutting, plus since he's a different species you can't get knocked-up!" Vinyl explained happily, bringing visions of a pony threesome back to mind. It gave you conniptions. "N-no, I'm going to sleep. Try to keep it down Vinyl, I have a busy day tomorrow" Octavia said before re-entering into the room you were in, passing you by without making eye contact. However, you did notice a small blush on her cheeks. "Hey Anon, you can 'cum' in now" Vinyl said from the other room, putting a sensual amount of emphasis on the double entendre. You couldn't resist. "Cumming, I mean coming!" You yell out with nowhere near as much seduction in your call. Walking down a small hallway, you stood in-front of a mostly closed door. A bit of red light leaking out from underneath and the small crack the door was open. Pushing the door inwards you were met with the most amazing sight ever, lying on her side on the bed was Vinyl. Except now she wore striped stockings and er glasses were removed, revealing her half-lidded deep ruby eyes. Every fiber of your being hardened at the sight of this mare, giving a silent prayer to whatever gods existed you took a step through the threshold and joined her inside. "I hope you're not tired, 'cause we're gonna have fun. All. Night. Long" she said, giving you a sultrily playful wink at the end of her proclamation. "Yeah..." You said, dumbfounded for any more words as you approached the bed and the mare lying on it. Author's Note ~~So, the next chapter will be my first experience writing clop. It is however completely optional and won't effect the flow of the story if you don't read it.~~ (No clop will be added, sorry. I'll explain why in the next chapter's Author's Notes. If you have any personal complaints/questions, feel free to PM me.) I have no idea what I'm doing and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to give me tips as to what I could do to make this and future chapters better, also if you spot a mistake go ahead and let me know. I'll try to fix it as quickly and cohesively as I can. ~Muddy
Now, Just Take a Minute and Listen to How You SoundAuthor's Note I'm REALLY sorry, but I won't be writing a clop chapter in this story. I've never written clop before and didn't want to ruin the story with a shitty clop chapter. I appologize for somewhat promising a clop chapter, but that will instead be written into its own fic, specifically for a clop "test" experience. I understand if you don't like me, or the story anymore after this news, but I prefer to release things I'm proud of. Again, sorry and if you decided to stick around then enjoy the chapter! ~Muddy Now, Just Take a Minute and Listen to How You Sound Placing your hands onto the bed you began to move your way towards Vinyl, causing her to smile at you and open her mouth for more bedroom talking. "His pupils aren't dilating, what's his heart-rate?" Vinyl said in a strangely masculine voice, making you stop your advances and question what that was. "Celestia dammit! I'm not losing you, come back to me you creature!" She says in the same masculine voice again, now you were confused. Standing you noticed the walls of the room began to pulse slightly, Vinyl still hadn't moved from her spot on the bed. She stared ahead in one spot, a blank smile on her face. You knew that there was some really weird shit going on now, and you didn't want it to go on anymore. "What the fuck is going on?" You asked aloud, causing the room to melt like it was made out of wax, scaring the shit out of you. "AHHHH!" You screamed ~~like a girl~~ in a very masculine tone, not like a girl at all. You watched as the room melted around you, leaving you in complete darkness. You noticed a small light coming from above you, looking up you saw that it was beginning to get closer to you. You tried to move out of the way of the incoming light, but found yourself unable to move. You wriggled for your life as you tried to fight off whatever invisible force was holding you hostage, not escaping at all and allowing the light to come even closer. As it got within arm's length of you, you began to hear voices coming from it. "Oh sweet Celestia please don't die big guy!" You heard the muffled voice of Rainbow Dash say, her voice choked in sobs. "Come on Nonny, have to get up! Just like that song you sing!" The muffled voice of Pinkie Pie said, her voice also sounding melancholily. That wasn't good. "Everypony step back, I'm going to attempt to resuscitate him!" The male voice Vinyl had been speaking in said, the white light pausing above you momentarily. "One, two, three. CLEAR!" The masculine voice said before the light grew to a massive all-consuming size and washed over you, blinding you with the brilliance of its glow. "Holy shit!" You let out with a deep gasp of cool air, taking in the breath with desperation. Opening your eyes you find yourself on the club floor, surrounded by medical ponies as well as your two friends. Smiles and tears covered Rainbow and Pinkie's faces while the medical ponies breathed a sigh of relief and began to pack up their equipment. You move to stand up, but feel a pain in your back. Opting to not injure yourself anymore you choose to just sit up, bracing yourself with one arm and using the other to rub a hand over your face, finding it damp with sweat. "W-what happened to me?" You ask, a medical pony stopping what he was doing to come over to you. "You were administered a very powerful magic capsule, intended to elevate the mind. However, your body rejected the capsule half-way through effect and you went into a pseudo-coma. Luckily your friends here contacted us before your heart rate went any lower, you're lucky to be alive right now" the medical pony finished as your friends joined you at your sides. "Don't mess with me like that Anon, you big stupid ape!" Rainbow scolded through tears, giving you a punch to the arm. "I'm so glad that you're okay Nonny, I just don't know what I would have done if you died. Well obviously I would have baked a funeral cake, but then after that I don't know what I would have done. You're my friend Nonny, all my friends are super-duper important to me!" Pinkie exclaimed, wrapping you and Rainbow in a hug. Her arms stretching to encompass both of you at once, classic Pinkie. "Thanks for calling the ambulance for me guys, I seriously owe you one. Tell you what, if you ever stop by my stand I'll give you guys a half-off discount!" You say, causing both of your saviors to give you a very annoyed look. "I-I mean one totally free secession, the works and everything!" You correct, appeasing the girls and bringing the situation back to a slightly happier note. "Well Mr. Anon, there's still the matter of expenses for your treatment" the medical pony said, pulling your focus away from the girls. "Oh yeah, um. How deep am I in for doc?" You ask, already feeling a weight in your stomach forming at the cost of your treatment/resuscitation. "Well due to the immediate response team, equipment cost and other factors, your total is 1,500 bits" the medical pony stated matter-of-factly, the weight inside your stomach dropped and ripped through all the good feels you had right now. You didn't have that kind of money, let alone wanted to pay it even if you did. But these ponies did save your life, so you forced yourself to your feet and reached into your back pocket. "Huh? Oh crap, I don't have my wallet on me. I must've left it in my car, I'll be right back" you explain, excusing yourself outside through the back door and then proceeded to run like hell away from the club, leaving a very confused group of ponies wondering what a ‘car’ is. "HAHAHA You'll never get my money you fucking goblins!" You bellow into the cold night air, continuing to bolt for the train station. Saying a silent prayer that there will still be trains running this late. Luckily for you there was one train left, however it was already leaving the station. Using your one year of high school track training, you sprinted for your leaving ride. Needing to gain more speed you threw your arms straight out behind you and Naruto ran for your life. You just barely got a hand onto the caboose and hauled yourself onto the moving train, watching as the station became smaller and smaller as you moved farther away from it. “Now to just ride this baby back to the safety of ponyville” you remark, leaning against the caboose railing and taking a moment to catch your breath. Looking out on the distant shape of ponyville getting further and further away… “WAIT- AW FUCK!” You yell out, realizing that you had boarded a train going the wrong way. Now you were headed further into Canterlot and away from the safety of your own apartment. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” An annoyed female voice asked, waking you from your nap. You had fallen asleep from the rocking of the train, allowing your eyes to close and rest after the sprint you had done to catch the train. “Uh… a human?” You answer, hoping she was interested in your form and not the fact you were technically a stow-away on the train. Taking a moment to look at the mare you took note of her soft pink coat and dark red mane, a small conductor’s cap sat atop her head, behind her horn. She had a smug smirk on her face, her hoof impatiently tapping at the floor. “Well, a stow-away is a stow-away. No matter whatever it is, She remarked, turning and calling back into the inside of the car. “Give the guards a heads-up, we caught a stow-away and it is ugly!” She ordered back, turning back around to you, an even more smug grin on her face now. “He,” you corrected, startling and confusing the mare. “HE is a human, and HE is not ugly!” you bark at her, rising to your feet and towering over the now terrified mare. “W-well I’m sorry and- someponygetthisthingrestrained!” She screamed as she bolted back into the caboose, locking the door behind her with her magic. Standing there proud of the way you upheld your human honor, you didn’t notice as a purple-armored bat pony shot a dart into your neck until it was already imbedded in you. “Ow! What the fu…” you start to protest, but before you could finish your complaint you collapse onto the ground, out cold. Waking up you find yourself in a dimly lit room, a thick curtain covering what you assume to be a window, allowing only a sliver of light to shine through. ~~“Man, this author sure likes to write about me waking up huh?” You asked yourself.~~ “Urgh, my head. What was that?” You groan as you slowly rise to your feet, immediately feeling the sensation of something watching you. “H-hello?” You call out nervously, backing away towards the window. “Greetings sir Anon, we must say that we hath a strong interest in thyself…” a smooth female voice said, her dark form crossing just out of view. “Hold on a sec, Luna? Is that you?” You ask as you turn around and open the window, letting light spill in and blinding the princess of the night. “A-Anon, close the blinds! It is most uncomfortable!” Luna scolds as she casts a wing over her face Phantom of the Opera style. “Man if you wanted me this bad you could’ve just asked y’know” you say as you begin to undo your pants. “A-Anon, we hath not brought you here for love making. We needed your expertise!” Luna squeaked out as her face reddened watching you disrobe. “Oh… Right, I knew that. I just work better with no pants on!” You explain, taking a seat on her large bed, pantless. “Take a seat princess, we can start whenever you’re ready” You say, using your usual professional voice and giving her a welcoming smile, that if not for the fact you were only in your boxers, would have been quite handsome. “W-we thank thee Anon” Luna responded, trotting over to the bed and laying on it. Resting her head in your lap, allowing you to stroke her ethereal mane. “So, what seems to be the problem?” You ask, using all your self control not to pop a chub and throat-punch the princess with your meat hammer. “Well, as you know we hath just recently returned to Equestria and returned to our whole self as well” she begins, rubbing her hoof in small circles on the quilt. “And although my sister is doing all that she can for our integration back into society, it feels as though we art disconnected from our ponies. They seem to distance themselves from us, silently mocking us” she finishes, looking up at you for your answer. “Well, have you thought about the language barrier between you and your people- I mean ponies?” You ask, making sure to use the correct terminology with one of the two celestial pseudo-gods. “What art thou referring to? We speak as a refined ruler should!” Luna exclaimed, rising off the bed and stand on the floor in front of you. “H-hey, chill! I’m just saying that perhaps your ‘refined dialect’ isn’t connecting well with the ponies” you explain, putting your hands up in defence. “Hmmm… Thoust may speak true, but what proof do you have?” Luna questioned, peering daggers at you. You offer her only a deadpan stare, unamused by her stupid question. “You know how I know almost everypony, and almost everypony know me?” You ask, getting a slow nod from Luna. “Well, it’s because I don’t ‘talkith like this, forsooth and qualm’” you mock, regretting your actions when Luna put one of her shoed hooves onto your chest and pushed you back onto the bed. “THOU WILST WATCH THINE TONGUE WORM!” Luna bellowed out in the royal canterlot voice, blowing out your eardrums in the process. “Jesus fuck! This is the shit I’m talking about Luna, this is why we can’t have nice things!” You scolded, probably louder than you needed to. But you were probably deaf, so fuck it. “Excuse me princess, I heard you yell and I came to see…” A female bat pony said as she pushed open Luna’s doors, but trailed off when she saw you pantless, pinned beneath Luna’s hoof. A deep blush taking over her face she slowly closed the door and from the sound of it, galloped as far away as she could from the room, letting out a high-pitched ‘squee’. “T-that was weird?” You ask, looking back at the now flustered Luna. “Y-yes, most awkward” she agreed, stepping off of you and taking a seat next to you. You put an arm around her, her body tensing for a moment, but relaxed and leaned into your form. “Well, just take what I said and think about it. Try to relate to your people on a more casual level, try talking like them a bit. Maybe it’ll work, who knows?” You explain, standing and giving her a little bow goodbye, heading for the door. Opening it and starting to leave when you’re stopped by Luna’s touch on your back, tuning you see the princess smiling at you. “Thank you Anon, we- I will try to do what you said” Luna says, surprised when you embrace her in a hug. “It was my pleasure” you whisper, placing a small receipt onto the floor. Standing back up you give her one final smile before leaving. You walk down the many winding hallways of Canterlot castle, making your way towards the exit when you hear a booming voice echoing from Luna’s room. “1500 BITS! ANON!” You sprint the rest of the way through the castle, exiting the castle and continuing your break-neck speed all the way to the train station. Not resting until you had boarded a train actually heading for Ponyville.
