Discord Takes Over the World
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except Discord, who was literally in the process of stirring something.
"I sure hope Fluttershy appreciates this peanut butter soufflé I'm making her," crowed Discord happily.
"I will, Discord, even though I secretly know that you only do it because you think it's cute when she gets peanut butter stuck on her nose," replied Sock Puppet Fluttershy, who incidentally had peanut butter stuck to her nose.
"Horse fuckin shit she knows that, I am a master of concealing and not feeling," responded a boastful Discord as he slid his souffle mixture into the oven.
"Yeah? And she's the Element of Laughter, she can sense when you're havin' a chuckle at her expense."
"She is not the Element of Laughter, she's the Element of Pets or something."
"She laughs all the time whenever you're at her cottage," pointed out Sock Puppet Fluttershy, "plus there is no Element of Pets."
"Yeah? Well there's fuckin' pets everywhere too, and she only laughs because I'm hilarious, so I guess that makes me the Element of Laughter."
"I don't think you're very funny at all."
"You're burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about your opinion."
"No I'm no-" in one fluid motion Discord ripped Sock Puppet Fluttershy off his floating, disembodied hand and tossed it into the oven next to the souffle. After a couple seconds she was engulfed in flames that swiftly licked away at her tender cotton flesh.
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH," said Sock Puppet Fluttershy, who was frankly not having the best day.
Discord fucked off to his living room, silently hoping the burning effigy of his best friend in the entire world wouldn't negatively impact the flavor of the souffle.
He flipped randomly through the channels, skipping past all his least favorite shows starring him.
"The Walking Discord, Family Discord, Discord Ball Super, all trash," muttered Discord miserably, "why'd I bother giving myself all these channels if I wasn't gonna give myself anything to watch?"
"Oh wow," replied Discord, who was sitting on the couch beside our dashing main character, Discord, "a 'so many channels but nothing to watch' joke, you fuckin hack."
"Oh wow," Discord snapped back,"a 'Discord replied' gag, that won't get beaten to death in the next chapter."
"The only thing getting beaten to death is you by me for the next forty-five minutes," replied Discord, but not that Discord. This one.
"I'd love to, but I really can't get this 'Element of Pets' thing out of my head. I mean, pets are friends. There has to be an Element of Pets, and it has to be Fluttershy." Mused Discord to himself.
"I thought Fluttershy was the Element of Laughter."
"No, that's me, Sock Puppet Fluttershy mentioned an Element of Pets."
"Sock Puppet Fluttershy?" Asked Discord incredulously, "She's burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about her stupid opinions."
"She's surely finished burning right now, so her opinion is more important right now."
"Well, just ask her what element she is."
"Oh yeah, great plan, 'hey Fluttershy, I know we've been hanging out for like, three or four years, and we used to be adversaries, but what Element of Harmony are you?' I'll look like a jerk." Sulked Discord.
"I know," replied Discord, "you could ask Twilight. She knows things."
"I know," exclaimed Discord, "I could ask Twilight. She knows things."
So Discord bid himself adeu and teleported himself into Twilight's bathroom.
"SURPRISE!" cried Discord as he appeared in a burst of gold that was the exact same as regular gold, except it smelled too bad for anyone to use. So it was worthless.
Discord looked around, only to see that, to his dismay, the bathroom was emptier than a freshly-emptied container of stuff.
"I guess it was a longshot."
Discord waddled throughout the crystal castle, not paying a single bit of attention to one insipid detail of this awful place. I hate Twilight's Castle.
"Is she even home?"
"Yeah, I am," came a voice from behind.
Discord melted his face inward so that it came out on the other side of his head, only for him to see, gasp, why, it was Twilight Sparkle.
"Twilight, what it do cuz? Listen babe, I've got a mad Q to send your way, hope you've got an A." Squawked Discord from behind his shutter-shade glasses as he moved behind Twilight and smacked her rump, "I mean aside from this A."
"Please stop."
"Twilight, why are you so cold to me? I've been nothing but pleasant to you for our entire relationship with only two exceptions."
"You came into my house uninvited and touched my butt."
"I was playing a character, I am an accomplished actor, in case you were unaware." Said Discord, as pride literally oozed from his lips, running down his chin, and dripping onto the floor.
"What's his name?"
"Dennis the Ass-Toucher, and I'll never use him again if you just tell me what Element of Harmony Fluttershy is."
"Kindness. Is that all you wanted?"
"Kindness? I thought for sure she was the Element of Pets."
"There is NO Element of Pets."
"But her house is literally crawling with pets."
"It is not liter-"
Discord snapped his fingers.
"It is now, and I already had this stupid argument with Sock Puppet Fluttershy, she thought Fluttershy was super funny, and the Element of Laughter, but I said I was the Element of Laughter because of how funny I am."
"I don't think you're that funny at all."
"You're burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about your opinion."
"No I'm no-" in one fluid motion Discord gripped Twilight by the throat, sprinted to her kitchen, turned the oven on, opened it, and tossed her right in. After a couple seconds she was engulfed in flames that swiftly licked away at her tender flesh.
"AUUUUUUGGGHHH" said Twilight.
"Oh wow...oops." replied Discord, realizing the gravity of the situation.
Then he thought about it for a second.
"Hey wait a second, these Element pricks were what was keeping me from taking over in the first place. Now that she's dead..."
Discord snapped his fingers.
Discord Takes Over the World
Discord is Slain by a Mighty Knight
Author's Note
There's no knights in this. Clickbaited.
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Discord is Slain by a Mighty Knight
It was a gorgeous summer day in the town of Ponyville, and all except for everyone in the town save for one person was was having fun.
"Yeah baby, betrayed everyone again, please watch Discord's new movie 'How Discord Beat the Elements of Harmony' starring Discord as Discord," screamed Discord(can you fucking believe it?) from his critic's chair. He then turned to Discord, who was sitting across from him in a beret and sunglasses.
"Discord," began Discord, "please tell me about your bold decision to hire a veteran actor like Discord to play Discord in your stunning motion picture."
"Well," replied Discord, "Discord has been in the acting game for a very long time, and if you think about it, who better to play the man who tricked, betrayed, and defeated the Elements of Harmony than the man who tricked, betrayed, and defeated the Elements of Harmony?"
"I couldn't have said it better myself, Discord."
"And you're the one who said it," replied Discord.
"My god would he just shut up?" Cried Blissful Unawareness as he slammed his shutters open and then fell up the stairs of his upside-down house to get down to his living room. As he tumbled down the wooden, then chocolate, then nonexistent, then wooden again steps, the walls on either side of him morphed into the faces of his high school crush, and started telling him he'd gained weight.
Once he was at the bottom or top of the stairs, he jumped over the moat between the stairs and into his living room, then walked into the kitchen hoping his fridge didn't still have teeth. It didn't, but it sure looked a lot more like Discord than it did before.
"Did you see the tv special about my movie?"
"The one that took place outside my house? Yeah I got a front row fucking seat...what the fuck?"
"I'm the only one who gets to swear you dumb little bitch." Guffawed Discord as he fucking rofld real hard.
"Is there a reason you're specifically bothering me?"
"Please, you seriously fucking think I can't personally pester the entire population of this planet at once?"
"The word 'impossible' comes to mind but...yeah."
Discord just cackled at that and then exploded, showering the entire room in flaming confetti.
Blissful Unawareness sighed and moved to his pantry. It was an empty, spaceless void of horrifying nothingness that froze his very soul, but it still somehow contained several boxes of cheap, generic cereal.
He sauntered over to the Eternally Screeching Beast that was where his cupboard used to be, and grabbed some of the sentient, growling bowls, before drawing back his hoof when he noticed the sharpness of their jagged, unnervingly yellow teeth. He let out an indescribable wail of frustration and then made his way to his dining room table, which then sucker punched him in the ribs and sprinted off while shouting obscenities, all of which were bleeped.
Blissful Unawareness sighed and accepted his fate, placing the box of cereal on the floor, and placing his head inside the box. He then began to munch away at the crunchy brown flakes that were completely unextraordinary in every convievable way.
That's the worst trick of all, thought Blissful Unawareness as he gnawed at his meager breakfast, of all the things to be left untouched, it has to be my box of corn flakes.
While Blissful munched, he began to tune out the chaos that surrounded him. After some time, he had immersed himself into this simple task of slowly eating cornflakes, that he could no longer hear the literally deafening cries of the Eternally Screeching Beast.
"Hello," screamed Discord through eight different megaphones as he burst through the floorboards, sending chocolate and wood that had the consistency of planter's foam splattering against the walls and ceiling. He then posed and grinned.
They aren't even frosted, thought Blissful Unawareness to himself happily, sinking his head a little bit further into the box to reach the steadily lowering lake of corn flakes, and thank goodness, that would be a bit overwhelming right now.
Discord stared at the small pony in front of him, frowning and ending his incredible pose, opting instead to cross his arms in front of his chest and snort passive aggressively.
"You don't just get to ignore the new ruler of Equestria declared Discord, recoiling while he shapeshifted into some sort of giant robotic version of himself, except with a big golden crown with lots of jewels and shit.
The robot had massive, rippling pectorals that were also speakers that blared "sup homie, it's ya boi Discord" over and over again.
The soundwaves ripped at the walls of Blissfull's floating, upside-down home, shattering everything inside of it, including the Eternally Screeching Beast.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Schreeched Mrs.Eternally Screeching Beast, eternally.
"Shut the fuck up," screamed Discord after one full eternity, then he stepped on Mrs.Eternally Screeching Beast.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Screeched Son of the Eternally Screeching Beast, eternally.
"Shut the fuck up," whispered Whispercord after another full eternity, then he stepped on Son of the Eternally Screeching Beast.
These corn flakes are still rather good.
Discord frowned really hard this time, and his face made that "mwop" noise that Squidward makes when he frowns.
"What the hell could be so fucking captivating about a box of corn flakes?" Pondered Discord aloud as he rubbed his little goat beard thing.
Discord pulled out his trusty Cereal Analyzer that he used to defeat Tirek in season 4, and analyzed the cereal Blissful Unawareness was eating.
"The only weird thing about the cereal is the fact that you're taking over ten thousand years to finish eating it." Gasped Discord, "So, normal things get your attention huh bitch? Well what do you think of this?"
Discord waved his paw and claw and changed the twisted, horrifying world of pure incoherence that surrounded them into a flowery meadow with ferrets and bees.
Still, BU ate his cereal. He wasn't trying to be rude or anything, he was just deaf now.
"Not enough eh? Well how about this?" Screamed Discord as he transformed into a humble, middle-class, American family .
A Photoshop adjuster appeared that read "OPACITY 100%" appeared above Discord, and it slowly slid down to 90, then 80, then 50 percent.
Discord persisted in his chaotic return to normalcy until he accidentally killed himself and phased out of existence.
The end.
