So You Want To Live In Ponyville?
Where No Wizard Has Gone Before...
With a groan Nita Callahan spoke a single word to her alarm clock, which stopped its blaring with an annoyed abruptness. She cursed its poor timing for a few seconds, then reached her hand out as if grasping. With a mere thought her Wizard's Manual appeared out of her subspace storage pocket. Opening it she went about recording the dream she had been woken from.
The sun and moon spiraling in a measured and harmonious dance around a planet that looked like earth if all the continents were set on their side. The dance of the two bodies slowly faltered then stopped, cold lifeless gray overtaking them. They sat there frozen, never changing or moving, mere lifeless statues taking the place of the beautiful objects that had once soared through the inky void. The planet suffered the same fate soon after, the vibrant blues, greens, and browns overtaken by dull stone. A voice as cold as the statues she was viewing tore through her mind, "At last, true order has been restored to Equus."
That was where she was woken by the alarm clock. The murmur of voices downstairs tore Nita out of her stupor, the dream temporarily forgotten. "Nita, Kit's here! He says you two had plans to test a new spell today." her father's voice called out from the foot of the stairs. With a start she remembered the plans they had made to test out their new spell, and facepalmed at the fact that she didn't reset her alarm. Apparently an up and coming talent had managed to piece together a spell that allowed efficient personal transport between realities that weren't connected to to their own, something that until now was impossible. This meant that Wizards now had the ability to travel to potential realities where death worked in massively different ways or had extremely different origins from their own "Lone Power Created Death" scenario. There were a few concerns about how Wizardry would function in a world where the Powers That Be held no sway, but the ability to go to another world, one alien and exotic compared to their own, was one that many wizards had sought almost since Wizardry began. The spell in question allowed for inputting parameters to make finding a world that had specific characteristics possible (the author was still working to make finding specific worlds viable). If getting to and from a reality was easy this would open new and untold avenues for Wizarding vacations. Needless to say the stress involved with their duties made Wizards zealous in taking vacations to decompress.
Nita was broken out of her excited thoughts by Kit shouting, "Hey Neets, hurry up! I'm getting old here!"
"Well excuse me princess, I woke up late and forgot to change my alarm! Let me get showered and dressed and I'll be down in ten minutes!" With a rush she got her clothes and towel, showered, then sprinted down the stairs. She narrowly avoiding running into her father, who stopped her with a look. "Whoa hold on Nita. What's the rush?"
"Sorry, Dad. The spell we're trying is something that has stumped Wizards for a reeeally long time. That it's finally complete is a miracle in and of itself. Kit and I have volunteered to test run the spell and potentially make history." Nita's father rolled his eyes and moved aside to let her past. He might have gotten used to the idea that his daughters were magical guardians of the universe, but it didn't change the fact that he couldn't bring himself to understand the importance of their work. She caught up to Kit and rushed to get everything ready. Checking her spell dongle, which held several key spells that any Wizard traveling for an extended period of time into potential danger would want on hand. One word in the Speech, the language of Wizards, would be enough to complete them. Spells for subspace pockets that could act as portable safe houses, spells that allowed for defense and teleportation, and spells combat. Being a Wizard, a protector of Life in all it's forms, meant that the last type spells were only to be used if they had no other choice. After all how can you slow the heat death of the universe if you hasten it by needlessly wasting energy and life?
With her dongle in place and traveling supplies secure in their subspace pockets they went outside. The spell in question was almost completely prepared, the various catalysts and focii set up in an unseen but extremely precise manner. All they needed to do was enter their names and the various "keywords" to help them find a world, then chant the spell and they would be off. The two soon to be explorers sat about for a few minutes discussing what words to use. They considered several words before discarding them. "Peaceful" was good at first glance but what if that peace was kept through fear or some other unpleasant means? They discarded "Safe" since again that word was too open to interpretation. Eventually they decided on "Utopia", a word that was very difficult to misinterpret. They also went with "A way to get home" and "Magic". They both decided that putting any more keywords in place would be a risk, since they didn't quite know how the words would interact with each other. They went through the laborious process of entering their full names (in the Speech a Wizard's "name" is the essence of what made them unique including but not limited to what they ate last night for dinner and their mother's maiden name). As they each finished their inscriptions they looked at each other one last time then began chanting the spell. The now familiar sensation of a building power formed around them, the world seeming to lean in and listen to their every word. The world fell away and all they could sense was each other, and the feelings of movement and change that the spell would bring about.
The spell completed, and without any fanfare they blinked out of existence, the spell whisking them off to a what was either the best decision of their life, or their worst nightmare. They felt nothing and saw nothing except the sensation of falling sideways and a miasma of color with occasional pricks of light. After what seemed like an eternity they found themselves entering one of those bright spots. Sensation returned to them all at once, the light and heat of day nearly blinding them. They fell a foot to the ground and crumpled, their bodies and minds slightly disoriented from the journey.
After resting for a minute Nita and Kit got to their feet, and checked to make sure everything was intact. A quick check of their surroundings told them that they were in an alley, brick buildings closing in on them and making them feel slightly claustrophobic. Cautiously they peeked out from the alley to catch sight of the people that lived in this world. What they saw made them hurry back into the alley, eyes twitching and hearts racing. "Where in the One's name did we end up?" Nita choked out.
"No idea, but wherever we are it certainly is unique!" Kit was holding back his laughter at what he saw. The gap between the two buildings gave them a view of various kinds of miniature horses some with horns or wings, all with blinding color schemes that screamed "Saturday Morning Cartoons". Whether his humor was from shock or genuine amusement she didn't quite know, and in the end it didn't matter. "Either way we need to figure out a plan. Let's get to our subspace pockets and decide what to do next." They reached for dongles, and were shocked to find that they were nothing more mundane objects. Despite the fact that they had prepared themselves for the loss of their Wizardry they couldn't help but despair a bit. As one they stood up and walked to the edge of the alley, choosing to remain in the darkness for fear of what the strange people would do to them. "What's the worst that could happen if were to show ourselves?" Kit asked, his words drained of their humor
"What's one of the first things we learned after we passed our Ordeal?" Nita rose an eyebrow at her friends question. Kit rolled his eyes, "I know I know. It's just, what other choice do we have? We can't stay in this alley forever, and our food is in our subspace pockets." They stood there for a few more seconds. "Still, we can't just walk out there Kit! How do we know they won't attack us on sight? To them we could just be random monsters! What if we get thrown in prison?"
"Then we try and show that we're not a threat."
"And if they actually speak like horses and there's a language barrier?"
"...I don't have an answer for that." He sighed, then responded, "Fine, we'll wait until night time. With any luck we can sneak around unseen. Perhaps we can find answers then." With that they sat down and rested. Thankfully they both had a love for language, which meant they could play word games as a means of entertainment.
"...Tile."
"Even."
"Neuter"
"Revolve"
They kept at that for a good two hours, their little game evolving into more unique words like "Quixotic", "Countermanded" and "Defenestration". Eventually they got bored, neither of them managing a win. They took to observing the odd locals a bit more closely, trying to see if they could learn anything that might help them make a connection and avoid dying horrifically. They noticed certain differences between the equines from their world and this one. The ones here had flexible forehooves, capable of a shocking array of movement, comparable to a humans hand. Apparently a lack of fingers wasn't an inconvenience since the Unicorns apparently had magic, the Pegasi had amazingly flexible wings, and the normal looking ponies were apparently strong and balanced enough that they could carry things in their mouth with incredible ease. The tattoos on their flanks were interesting, but without looking closer they couldn't tell if they were natural or if they were merely tattoos. What caught their eyes the most, though, was the range of emotions that were expressed. It was almost a given that they were sentient and sapient, what with the city they seem to have built for themselves, but their faces were painfully similar to a human's, despite their very animalistic muzzles.
More time passed, until the flow of traffic reduced from what might be considered a level equal to a city like New Haven to a mere trickle, the residents seeming to finish for the evening. It must have been getting late, although the sun gave no indication of setting...until without warning it did just that. No fanfare, no gradual declining of the day to allow for beautiful sunset. Just a blink and it was night. "What the...?" For the Nth time that day they stood shocked and confused. "Okay, seriously? I get that we're in another universe, and I get that some Wizards could literally switch the position of the sun and moon on a whim, but this is absurd! What kind of freakish world are we in that this is the norm?" It was Nita's turn to panic, the confusing and frankly awe-inspiring sight chilling her a bit. How much power did it take to do something like that so seamlessly? She took a deep breath and calmed her nerves. Now wasn't the time to panic! "Okay, it's night. Let's get out there and try to figure out how to get around in this world." They crept out of the cramped space and started walking towards what appeared to be a giant castle. They quietly wandered the empty streets for awhile, only stopping to hide when, by sheer luck, they caught sight of a pair of guards wearing dark shadowy armor. One seemed to be bored out of his skull, and the other seemed content to enjoy the cool night air only occasionally responding to his comrades complaints. They hid in the shadow of one of the buildings and held their breath. The guards passed by, not noticing the two figures that were trying their best not to be seen in plain sight. "Ugh, I can't wait to retire. The Night Guard is not what it was cracked up to be. I never thought it would be this dull when I first signed on. Ah well, the pay is good if nothing else."
"What did you expect? Since when was any real threat not solved by the Princesses or Elements of Harmony? Face it we're just an act to make everypony feel safe. Besides when's the last time a violent crime happened on a small scale?" The rest of their conversation was lost as they moved out of earshot. "These princesses..." Nita trailed off in thought trying to think of what they looked like. Kit gave a quiet snort, "This sounds like some kind of crappy fairy tale. Though those Elements of Harmony...they might their equivalent to Wizardry in this world..."
"Still, who are we to judge what this world's norms are like? We have more important things to worry about."
"Yeah, yeah. Still I think we should check the castle out. We might not be able to get in but at the very least we can find a place to hide while we plan our next move. There has to be some kind of nook or cranny we can hide in. I still think that we should try and reason with them. They're obviously remarkably similar to humans..."
"Yeah, you might be right. The fact that we speak the same language is a godsend. We'll worry about it in the morning, though." They eventually came to the foot of a long set of marble stairs with smaller paths branching around the side of the massive structure. They chose a side path, hoping that there would be some kind of unused or out of the way building to set up camp in. What they saw was far more beautiful and awe-inspiring than any kind of stone building. "Woooow," Nita breathed. A grin rose to her face as she smiled at the sight before her. "This is amazing!" A verdant strip of land a few hundred feet wide and spanning all down the length of the castle stood before them. Small copses of trees dotted the area, with small winding dirt pathways allowing pedestrians to meander around the soothing scenery. This was the kind of place Nita could spend hours just sitting down and relaxing in.
"Yeah and look what's behind it!" Kit pointed out.
"Huh, a hedge maze...now that's slightly unexpected. Think we can hide in there?"
"That's what I was thinking." With a plan in mind they walked over to the entrance, chose a random path, and began walking. After a good twenty minutes Kit stopped. "This should be good enough. Nobody can find us here! Tomorrow we can find somebody and ask to speak to these princesses."
"Yeah, I'm starting to get tired. Let's go to sleep for now." They were about to sit down when a third voice, masculine and supremely amused, called out, "Oh my, and here I thought we were playing hide and seek!" They turned in fear at being discovered, only to take a step back at the sight of one of the most horrifically mismatched creatures they had ever encountered. It had patchwork of body parts from a lion, griffin, lizard, and goat. The monster opened it's mouth and asked, "Well now is that any way to greet a new friend?" They gulped at the seemingly sinister creature and tried to formulate a response that would hopefully stop them from being killed and eaten. For the first time that day they wished they had prepared better before leaving.
The THING, grinned widely, as if sizing up new toys that he had just bought. "Careful with leaving your mouth open like that. You might catch flies!" A flick of it's talon and two flies slowly meandered their way to Nita and Kit's open mouth. "Heeeeelp Me!" they wailed as the two poort creatures swam into their gaping mouths. They gagged a bit and could barely feel the abominations of nature disappear into nothing. "What the hell was that?" Was Kit's eloquent reply.
"Oh come now, boy, haven't you ever seen 'The Fly'? I mean your mouths aren't spider webs but who cares, it's still quite a funny sight."
"No, I mean how the hell did you create matter from nothing! That doesn't make any sense!
"Ahaha!" He looked at their unamused faces and stopped. "Wait, you're serious? How can you not have heard of lil' old moi? Well that just won't do!" He broke out into a ridiculous dance and proclaimed, "I am the loooord of chaos, the purveyor of disharmony...I AM DISCORD!"
"Oh come now, no reaction? Surely you're impressed with my introduction! I've been saving it on the off chance that this world becomes the focus of some shitty writer's fanfic. That you're here means that my worst fears have come true! So tell me, how did you get here, hmmm? Lemme guess, some all powerful deity was like, 'Hey, you wanna go to Equestria and have really lame wish fulfillment adventures'? Oh wait, I know! It was obviously some inexplicable and undefined accident involving a lightning bolt and a pumpkin pie!" As he said this he held out his lion's paw and into it popped a book called, Seriously Overused Tropes. "Hmmm, I'm sure it's in here somewhere. Discord pulls a prank? Nah couldn't be I'm right here. Travelers from space? No normally they keep themselves hidden."
"Can you start making sense please? We aren't some characters in a fanfic, we're just two people testing a new Wizardry who need to find a way home." This creature had to be the most infuriating being they had ever met...and they've dealt with the Lone Power. Nita hoped that this creature would stop his insanity and help them, but if he was some kind of trickster spirit then it would stand to reason that he would be almost impossible to handle.
It seemed she didn't need to worry because this Discord guy seemed to have sobered up and was now staring at them intently. Of course "serious" is a relative term. The strange bastard still had a grin on it's face that screamed arrogance and insanity. "Sense? Now what kind of fun is there in making sense? Perish the thought!" He made a fake swooning motion as if the idea made him feel ill. "Back to the matter at hand! Where are your manners, amusing mortals? Would you like me to find them for you?" He searched around, then plucked at thin air, grabbing two miniature versions of Nita and Kit, each with the word "manners" floating above there head. "Here you go!" They backed away as he held their mini doppelgangers out. With a hmph he tossed them away where they hit the ground in a splat before disappearing. "Kids these days, I swear. No respect! Don't even have the decency to tell me their names!"
They both raised their eyebrows at that. "You seem all powerful why not just find out for yourself?"
"Be boring and direct? Oh come now, you're almost as bad as the two dear sisters..." Discord trailed off, amused at his own antics.
"Yes, boring and direct. There's a time and place for games and neither myself nor Nita have the energy to deal with this kind of insanity."
"Oh, so the girl is Nita, hmm? Then who might you be?"
Kit rolled his eyes at Discord's obvious refusal to listen to him. "Kit." This guy's voice and mannerisms were reminding him of somebody, though he couldn't quite place who. Either way he had to hold back the intense desire to punch this thing in the face.
"So what is so serious that you need my help? And why exactly should I help you?" The chimera-thing asked, amused.
The two Wizards explained the situation, the power they normally wield, their duties, and their current plight. Normally they wouldn't trust a being as...offputting as this one, but they didn't exactly have any other ideas at the moment.
Discord seemed to lean in, amused and fascinated by their story. "Oh my, so if you speak the universe listens? How utterly droll. So very unoriginal." He paused for a moment. "Still I must commend you on having the brass big ones to stand up to the very concept of entropy. Lemme guess this new spelling of yours was meant to be used as a vacation tool of some kind?"
"Yes." They didn't want to know how he knew, but they really didn't care to find out. They needed to get out of the night as fast as they could. They needed to speak to someone with power as soon as they could.
"Haha! How wonderfully chaotic to use a power so vast and magnificent as a tool to relax! You know what? You two humans amuse me, so I'll help you find a way home. Although I would imagine some earth shattering revelation or situation that a pair of goody two-shoes such as yourselves need to handle will pop up and your return will be delayed. I'm going to have so much fun playing with you two while you're here! Now then, I'm going to drop you off at a place where you can get help. Other than that you're on your own! I have a friend waiting for me at her place. We're having tea you see, and I do so hate to keep her waiting." He flicked his lion's paw and in a blink they were in front of a tree house. Not a house built on a tree, but a genuine building that was carved into a living tree. This was admittedly not new to the two, but it stood out as a jarring contrast to the rest of the village that they observed. In fact several of the buildings seemed to be a mish mash of a brightly colored fairy tale themed amusement park. With trepidation they knocked on the solid door. They knew it was late and that whoever was in there would be asleep, but they really didn't want to stay in the open as long as they were strangers in a strange world.
The door opened and a purple furred pony with a horn and wings appeared. Her hair (mane?) was disheveled and her eyes had the look of someone who had been asleep and was rudely awakened. She mumbled out an almost unintelligible, "Sorry, the library is closed please come back tomorrow." The door slammed in their faces and they stood there, amused at the interesting creature's actions. After a few seconds they shrugged and knocked again. "What part of 'we're closed' do you not...?" The pony opened the door again, this time eyes wide open and twitching with barely concealed anger. Her words were cut off as she blinked in shock. "Uh, I think I'm dreaming...there is no way in Tartarus there are two humans standing in front of my door. The ramifications of such a thing would be massive. I'm going back to bed." They both propped the door open with their legs in desperation. The thought of being left in the dark in an unknown place terrified them. The pony in question glared. "Stupid hallucinations...let me close the..." Her eyes widened even more, if that was at all possible. "You...you aren't hallucinations are you?" Kit chuckled at that. "No, we aren't. But we are lost travelers who need to find a way home and were directed to this place by a very infuriating creature."
"Lemme guess, patchwork body, sarcastic almost insane ramblings, and has the ability to break the known laws of reality?"
"Yes. I take it he's a common problem here?"
"Sigh. Yes, yes he is. Come on in, we can talk more in comfort. Your presence is by far the most confusing thing I've encountered almost ever...and I have a friend who seems to defy logic as much as Discord. Either way, I'm sure I can help with whatever the issue you're having is." They walked into the surprisingly cozy main room of the library. As expected due to being built in a tree, it was circular and was lined with rows and rows of books. Both Nita and Kit stood there awed by the sight. It lacked the same majesty of the New York library with it's floors upon floors of knowledge and elaborate architecture, but it was certainly more relaxing than their local library. They were guided through the bright halls to a small room with some worn wooden furniture. This confused Nita to no end. "Your chairs are very...human shaped." Nita looked bemused by that fact, and couldn't help but chuckle. This room could have been ripped straight from their own world with how utterly mundane it was.
"Yeah, it's always been like that. Princess Celestia, my mentor, knows something about why things are like this but doesn't quite feel like sharing. I figure there's no point in worrying about it since she's never lead us astray in the past. Even so I can't help but be curious over it. Most ponies don't really know or care that our buildings and tools are so at odds with out physical form, but I would bet it must be a little unusual for you to see."
"That feels like what the Powers That Be from our reality are like. Holding things back until they feel we need to know."
"Powers of what now? I spent some time in the human world and haven't heard about anything like that!" Her eyes began to light up, and with barely a blink levitated a scroll and quill from a shelf behind her seat to the conference table and began writing something down. The language was alien to them, so they couldn't understand what was being written, but they could tell she was excited at their words. "Tell me more! These 'Powers' of yours are interesting. Mind you any new knowledge is exciting, but this sounds so..." She trailed off with a barely muted "Squee" sound. By now her tail was flicking back and forth, her eyes were practically sparkling, and her ears were ramrod straight in the air. "Uh, can we take a step back? Your enthusiasm is a bit much right now." Kit had moved away a bit, afraid of the sudden change in the Purple Ponie's behavior. "Oh right, hehe. Sorry about that I kind of get ahead of myself sometimes. What are your names? I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic and librarian for Ponyville." The two relaxed and gave their names back, and began explaining the situation. "Fascinating! This has to be one of the biggest finds in all of Equestrian History!" Her eyes lit up again. "Listen, it's going to take some time for me to find a way to help you home, so I can offer you a place to stay. It's a bit cramped here, but I know a few friends who might be willing and able to help. And, um, could you perhaps tell me a bit more about your world while you stay?"
They agreed readily, understanding the thirst of knowledge for knowledge's sake. They ended up talking all the way through the night, bonding over a shared love of knowledge.
Author's Note
Bring on any and all criticism! I want to improve my writing so both complements and criticisms are welcome, even the harsh and bitter ones that will probably stab me in the heart and make me weep at the cruelty.
Edit: Wow just found a plot hole...Apparently I put "When was the last time crime happened on a small scale..." in this chapter. Editing it to be, "When was the last time a violent crime happened on a small scale..."
Edit 2: Also thanks to Da Fennec for pointing out that I duplicated a good portion of the chapter...the sheer level of facepalm I was experiencing when I saw that...
