"I can't do it anymore. You just care about yourself."
Rainbow Dash stretched and slid out of bed. Her body ached, her head ached. She stumbled a bit as her hooves found her cloud floor and she crawled her way to the bathroom. She wondered what day it was for a second and then realized that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered outside of the days before her depressive haze.
Today didn't matter. Nothing mattered. She climbed into the shower and washed herself off, making sure that nobody realized how much she would rather drown in the shower, water slowly rushing over her body and making her wet. She'd use this time to masturbate, but she didn't have an hour or two. She sighed, grabbed some hair products Rarity gave her on a fashion whim and got on with her day.
"No I don't, I listened to you. I took care of you. I took time out of my day whenever you asked."
Rainbow sat and slowly ate her cereal. It tasted like stale disappointment, the crunch of the oat bran slowly turning to mush in her mouth. It gave her some feeling outside of the hole in her heart. Something existed. It existed, it had its use, it went away. Everything goes away. Nobody cares that she was the Element of Loyalty. How was she the unfaithful one?
"No you didn't. You just talked about your problems. I told you how to fix them and you didn't. I told you I was having mental issues and you laughed at me."
The day was uneventful. Scootaloo wanted to learn how to fly, so Rainbow Dash took time out of her day and mentored her. She almost smiled at the young filly's excitement almost made her feel something. Twilight asked her if she was okay. She said yes. She kicked some clouds. She slept. Rainbow thought about pranking Applejack and decided against it.
"I thought you were the Element of Laughter. You laugh at everything."
Rainbow saw the Cakes. They looked like they were doing okay. She didn't talk to them. It just didn't feel right. There was no good way to speak to them, they weren't laughing. The town wasn't laughing much these days.
"I don't make jokes about that."
Work happened. Things moved on. Day turned to night and day again. Things repeated over and over. Like they had for the last four months. Friends talked to her saying how sad it was to not have Dash around. Dash couldn't say it hurt too much to be near her friends. She smiled on the outside finding things to say so they didn't worry about her.
"Dash have you seen Pinkie? She didn't come to her birthday party."
Rainbow sat on the edge of her bed tracing the lines on her legs. They gave her some kind of feeling. The faint lines now looked like a spiderweb pattern slightly criss-crossing her fur, they cut deep enough to give her feeling. They didn't cut deep enough to end it. It was something that she had to deal with.
"They found her letter, Dash. What the fuck were you doing?"
She looked in her fridge. Living off a diet of junk food and alcohol wasn't a problem. She quit the Wonderbolts. Nothing mattered anymore, why should she eat healthy? She didn't deserve to be happy after what she did. She looked at the empty bottles littering her room and started crying. It didn't stop her from opening another though, it's bitter taste mixed with her blurry vision and she though it was just right for her.
"I only joked once. I didn't mean to. Don't look at me like that. You weren't there. It wasn't my fault."
She stared at the stone tablet that made her always snap back into reality. Here lies Pinkie Pie, it said. A party pony until the end and friend to everyone. The town got it for her. Hard to not chip in a few bits when Pinkie had been the heart of the town- every party, every laugh, every sunny day. Pinkie was there being Pinkie.
"Well she blamed you."
Rainbow laid her head on the stone and sat looking at the passing clouds, hoping that there was something out there that might make her repetitiveone world make some kind of sense. She looked down at her hooves and noticed that she had brought a few bottles of alcohol. She didn't remember doing that. She didn't remember walking out here. What day was it? She looked at the twining ivy that crept up the side of the headstone. That was new. What year was it?
She got up and wobbled her way home. Walking into her home, she glanced at a mirror. A pony she did not recognize stared back at her. Red, bloodshot eyes and frown lines prematurely aged her and her lifestyle of drinking herself into a stupor every day caught up with her. Her stocky frame now hiding the heart of a washed up racer.
"Rainbow, I want the pony I grew to look up to. Not someone who I last found ranting at trees about Pinkie. Where's the Wonderbolt I looked up to?"
"Leave me alone, Scoots. It's been a while since I cared about that."
Rainbow started laughing. It just was so funny to see how far she fell. Pinkie always knew a good joke when she saw it and if she was there looking at the new and decidedly worse Rainbow- she might have laughed. Maybe.
"We haven't seen you in years, Dash, are you okay. . ."
She walked slowly into the bedroom, her joints creaking with disuse and ache. Another mirror looked back at her. She smiled. Maybe she could fix it. Maybe it was just a dream. She blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
Slumping to the floor, she glanced at a nearby knife that she seemed to know well. She was fine. She was completely fine.
"I'm fine, Twilight. Just had a bad time dealing with Pinkie's death. No biggie. Things got better. You'll see."
Rainbow smiled as she closed her eyes. She could swear she could her Pinkie's laughter as she went to sleep.
Author's Note
Something different to get back into the groove.
Rainbow opened her eyes and she blinked. She glanced at her body and felt around. Everything was blurry and there was a constant ringing in her ears that accompanied a strange beeping noise. Every time she moved, it felt like somepony was pulling on her arm. Shaking her head, her world was brought into focus.
Hospital. Cold, lifeless, sterile. Not again.
Her head hurt something fierce, her eyes having a hard time adjusting to the lights that buzzed their disapproval down on her.
Her throat felt itchy and raw like her emotions. Shifting gently in her bed to not disturb the IV that was hooked into her arm, she moved her head and locked eyes to the one person that probably hated her the most.
Straight pink mane, blue eyes, and a light frown welcomed her to the world.
"Hey."
Pinkie sat motionless and unblinking.
"Hey. I know you can hear me. You are just doing this to prove some stupid point."
Pinkie sighed and turned. "Yeah, Dash, I told you to get out of my life and yet you still have me as your emergency contact."
Rainbow flinched. "Yeah I knew I should have changed that, that's on me."
"Mm hm. And how are you going to blame this on me? Wonderful Wonderbolt takes a hard tumble off Ghastly Gorge? Or maybe your alcoholism will kill you. I don't know. Just I'm done."
Rainbow laughed. "How can you be done with me? I mean we are the Elements of Harmony and we all love hanging out together. What about the time we went to the Gala or the Crystal Empire? Cool times, right?"
"Was that the time you almost assaulted someone cause they said you were gay or the time you tried to bet you could jump off a mountain and be okay? I remember you ranting about how everypony hated you or something equally silly."
Rainbow thought back and realized that she couldn't remember anything from the past. Things weren't adding up right. She didn't remember doing that ever. Sure she had a few drinks and then they all laughed, but that was what friends did.
"Well what about us? Didn't you have fun with me? I remember all the times we pranked ponies and how we talked about our hopes and dreams?"
"No. You did that. And you made it all about you, everything you've ever done has always been about you." Pinkie crossed her hooves and tapped a hoof.
Rainbow Dash thought long and hard. Silence reigned as she tried to come up with the words that would defuse the situation like they always had before. She sat and thought back on her time with Pinkie.
"Dash I have a problem with my family."
"That's nice. Want to hear about how well I did during the Wonderbolt tryouts?"
"Dash, I want to do something that doesn't relate to pranks.
"Quiet Pinkie, I want to prank Twilight with invisible ink. Pass me that ink and please be quiet.
"Dash, you've been drinking again and that makes me worried about you.
"Pinkie I told you before that I don't have a problem. It's just social drinking.
"Dash, can we please talk?
"Pinkie. No. Not right now. Seriously can you please just go away for like five seconds and stop being so needy all the time.
I mean its like I have to solve every one of your problems and try to act like you don't bore me with your repetitive stuff. Anyway I'm going to go to Baltimare for a bit and get ready for the Wonderbolts. . .
"Dash, I tried so many times to talk to you and yet you left me to deal with my problems. I moved on." Pinkie's frown lightened as she smiled and Dash didn't know how to react. Pinkie looked nothing like the pony that she had fallen in love with and so she sat there staring at the ceiling. She couldn't handle it. So she did the next best thing.
"This has to be a joke, right?"
Pinkie froze. "No. I actually moved on and made my life better. Who's the one that had to be dragged in her under suicide watch, ranting about how I was dead and claiming things in your mirror started talking to you and wanted you to die to make every mistake better. That wasn't me, Dash. That was you. Don't let your terrible past ruin my life. Everypony has a bad past- get over it. Move on. Stop being an idiot."
"But-"
"If you are going to say I was the abusive one, you are delusional. I was far better than your last ex. At least I cared to deal with your shit. And I didn't rape you. Is that what this is? Are you trying to make everypony who ever cared about you hate you because you are that insecure and think everyone is going to do that to you? Fine. And if you want to ask, I'm happy without you and I should know cause being with Cheerilee has made me feel happy again Dash. She actually cares."
Pinkie left. All Rainbow Dash could do was laugh. Not at Pinkie, not at her situation, but at herself. Her laughter was hollow and echoed through her room. It had no joy in it. Just emptiness and the realization that her narcissism and paranoid delusions made her turn her relationship with Pinkie from a loyal one, to an obsession.
She'd find it ironic, if Twilight had explained it to her.
***
Dash stared down at the pills that the hospital gave her. They were some antipsychotic thing. She hadn't paid much attention to what they did. She just sat there looking out the window while some doctor droned on about her delusions and paranoia were ruining her life. She was given a number to call and set up with Doctor Hooves' clinic. It was done by the book as Twilight would love.
Dash walked out and sat down on a bench. Looking at all the ponies enjoying the day made her somehow feel worse.
All she got out of today was alienating a friend more. And threatening suicide because she talked to a voice in her head that hated her. Some ponies could call that a conscience but Dash only knew of her voice hating her.
"You okay, Dash?" Dash looked up to see who was talking to her. Scootaloo glanced back.
"Yeah Scoot. I'm fine. How did your therapy go?"
Scootaloo limped over to Dash and sat down. "Like every day ever. I want to fly and the doctors say I might. But I wonder if they might be just hiding the truth and making me feel better." Scootaloo leaned on Dash, her breathing quick.
"Why do you say that?" Dash wrapped an arm around her.
"Cause that's what everyone says. I know I can't fix my wings. I heard what kids say about me. I just have to live with it."
Dash held Scootaloo close as the orange filly began to cry. "Yeah. You live with what you got. And you try to make yourself as okay as possible. Just keep going and someday you might be able to get somewhere where none of this matters and where you are happy. Just you aren't there yet. Just keep going, keep your head down and try as hard as you can to feel some enjoyment out of your life."
"Where'd you hear that?"
"A little bird told me just now." Dash ruffled Scootaloo's hair and she learned back on the bench.
Dash felt her vision go blurry and yet she felt better. Looking at her pills, she popped off the cap and shook one out on her hoof. Glancing at its colorful outside, she counted down and swallowed it.
She was at her lowest point, but that only meant things could go up from here. At least she hoped so.
"What was that, Dash?"
"Something to make me feel better, Scoots."
Author's Note
Sometimes you can't fix what is broken.
