Dude, Where's My Sandwich?

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Human, Main 6, Cheese Sandwich, Romance, Thriller, Equestria Girls, Ms. Harshwhinny, Tragedy, Random
Length: 1551

Pinkie Pie's coltfriend get's kidnapped, in this tense thriller I ate in an hour. Oops I mean wrote in an hour at an the West Valley Branch of the LA Library.

Pinkie Pie's coltfriend get's kidnapped, in this tense thriller I ate in an hour. Oops I mean wrote in an hour at an the West Valley Branch of the LA Library.

NOTE: They don't let you save pictures on Library Computers so I added the cover art afterwards but I picked it during the hour I was logged in.

Published 2017-08-08 23:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-08 23:00:07 UTC

In Which Harshwhinny is Revealed to Be the Villain

"Bwahahaha, if you don't sign him up for cotillion within 24 hours, I will KILL your boyfriend, Pinkie!" the scourge known only as Ms. Harshwhinny declared in the letter Pinkie had found in her mailbox. The letter was postmarked on the twenty third, and it was now the twenty ninth, so Pinkie was already more than a bit worried, but then she read the P.S. on the bottom:

"P.S., This countdown begins when you read this letter, which is right now. Beware the swift passage of time, or the stallion you love will face swift passage in an industrial sized blender. BWAHAHAHAH! Signed, Her Honorable Ms. Harshwhinny"

Pinkie gasped, surrounded by her friends outside her mailbox. "Wait, how does she know when I've actually received and read this?"

At this, the gang heard some rustling in the bushes. Twilight turned and fired a denuding blast at the bushes. Were this the human world, such a spell would result in a lot of indecent exposure, but ponies are already usually naked so it's less of an issue. However, Ms. Harshwhinny usually wears a nice looking blouse or suit or whatever it is that she wears is called, but the point is that it makes her look professional. But she did not look professional standing there stripped of her suit thing in some bushes stripped of leaves.

By law, in situations like this one, somepony is required to shout "There she is!" it was Tuesday, so this job fell to Applejack today. "There she is!" yelled Applejack, right on cue. Rainbow was about to tackle her, and Twilight, who at this point is kind of OP was about to blast her with a freeze ray, and Starlight was about to congratulate her on the first step to being a reformed villain, which is to be an unreformed villain first, but before any of these things could happen, Ms. Harshwhinny exploded!

BOOM! Shards of hot metal hurtled towards the mares at over 9000 uh... feet per ten seconds. Twilight barely had time to throw up a defensive bubble around them before the blast incinerated them. As it is, it blew out the windows of six nearby houses and knocked over a nearby cart and also started several fires and left a crater like really it was a bad scene all around. But the big reveal here was that this wasn't Ms. Harshwhinny watching them, it was one of her robots. Dun Dun Dun!

Back at the BUYOURTOYS crystal tree castle thingie, the girls plus Spike planned their next moves. Pinkie was really nervous and was chewing her hooves a lot, which could be a serious problem if she ground them down too much. Hooves can be very sensitive, you know. I'm sure you've accidentally fucked up a finger nail once or twice in your life. Imagine that but on a much bigger scale.

Above them, there was a little digital clock from Twilight's workshop that had been converted into a countdown clock. It read 23:27:04. They all had been a bit discombobulated after that robot blast, and that had robbed them of some precious time.

Pinkie was trying not to cry. "I love Cheese Sandwich so incredibly much and I really really really really don't want him to either die or have to take cotillion lessons. Cotillion is evil. It should really be considered torture under the Kyoto Protocol!"

Twilight leaned over and whispered in Pinkie's Ear.

"Yeah, okay, whatever. Global Warming, Human Rights, same thing! Cheese is a wild stallion. If Ms. Harshwhinny doesn't kill him, surely the formality of Cotillion will. I can't let that happen. we HAVE to save my Cheesy Bread!"

Rarity chimed in. "Darling, I believe I know just the trick!"

"Go on, I'm all ears," said Discord, who indeed had turned into a pile of about 500 different animal ears and appeared in this story for the sole purpose of making that pun. He does not make a further appearance.

Rarity grinned. "I certainly sympathize with Ms. Harshwhinny's professionalism. But that's besides the point. If we are to save our good friend from either death or learning about which of five forks to use for what at a fancy dinner (Which as an aside, sounds lovely to me, but I'm Rarity Belle, not Cheese Sandwich), then we need to exploit Ms. Harshwhinny's predictability. All we need to do is set a trap so unrelentingly professional, that she will me magnetically attracted to it like 4chan to loli anime (Oops I went there) and expose her location. We then have to counter kidnap her and torture her unprofessionally until she reveals the location of Cheese. Then we can have a cockatrice turn her to stone and she can be a prize dresshorse in my modelling collection, alive but unable to move, immobile and fully aware as her body is eroded over the centries until she is naught but dust."

"Jesus, Rarity, tone it a fuck down a few notches, eh?" replied Fluttershy, speaking a bit out of character. "But um, it's a good plan."

"Alright," said Applejack, the clock now reading 23:24:25, which was kinda cool except for the severity of what the clock counted down, "Good idea. What can we do that's super professional to draw her out of hiding?"

Twilight, who was so very smart, grinned. "Girls, I believe I know just the thing."

Author's Note

DOES THIS LOOk PRoFESSIONAL TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY

Pinkie Pie visits the Human World

Pinkie Pie, as we all know from that one episode I think called "Putting your hoof down" is an excellent negotiator, so she loaded up her saddlebags with over 9000 decagrams of gold (She's a strong earth pony, so that wasn't too much.), and headed to the human world through her weird Pinkie Magic. She really wanted to bone Dan from "Dan Vs. Everything" (She was polyamorous), but that would have to wait for another time. She headed to

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA MUMA COLLEGE OF BUSINESS – TAMPA, FLORIDA

, and bribed them to give her 500 ready-to-be-filled-out diplomas in exchange for a bunch of gold and also a cute little mascot plush. Then she headed back to Equestria.

Author's Note

A tragic ending

They never found Cheese Sandwich.

Author's Note

(Added afterwards, with thanks to Rune Soldier Dan)

The Gang, Well Actually Just Twilight Visits the Equestria Girls World

Okay so next Twilight went through the portal and found Sunset Shimmer, who still hadn't graduated high school. Like Jesus fuck girl get on with your fucking life! Anyway Sunset was like "Yo, Twiggles, what's up?"

And Twilight was like "Yo, no time for pleasantries or cunnilingus, I've got a friend's colt... er, boyfriend to save. I need to use your internet!"

Sunset was like, yeah, sure, Sci-Twi and I (Be jelly, bee tee dubs, we're dating now) hooked the school up with super fast fiber optic internet. You can browse porn at over 9000 megabits per second, except it's blocked on school computers. Unless you have admin privileges. ;) Anyway, follow me to the library."

Twilight glanced at the wrist watch she had set in time with the countdown clock. 21:08:33. She sweated a little and walked a little faster.

Finally they got to the library, where Twilight looked up a list of the top fifty business doctorate schools in the country. This was the first search result: http://www.topmanagementdegrees.com/rankings/best-doctorate-business-management/

She found the number one school was

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA MUMA COLLEGE OF BUSINESS – TAMPA, FLORIDA

. She thanked Sunset, told her she hoped for a threesome with her and SciTwi next week, and jogged back to the magic mirror thingie and back to the pony world.

She popped back to her castle, where her friends were waiting. She smiled. "Alright, I'm gonna need a literal metric fuckton of gold.

Author's Note

The Gang Springs the Trap

"Get your Business Professional Diplomas right here!" Shouted Rainbow Dash, as she and the other hawked the new "Ponyville (Totally not a sham) School of Business" Diplomas they were selling for fifteen thousand bits plus a couple back massages.

Ms. Harshwhinny's professionalism sense drew her to the commotion. I wish I could describe what happened in more detail, but I'm almost out of time myself. There was a tense standoff though.

There was a crack of lightning and set against the suddenly cloudy sky and roll of thunder, stood Ms. Harshwhinny on top of a building, like a professional villain. This time though, the gang was ready. Starlight Glimmer Froze her in one of those OP crystal things she used a bunch in the season 5 finally.

"Ms. Harshwhinny, Pinkie Pie pleaded, "It doesn't have to be this way. We can share Cheese Sandwich. Have you not ever cut a Sandwich in half?"

Ms. Harshwhinny screamed. "I wouldn't know, because I've never eaten a cheese sandwich. They aren't professional!"
Then she exploded. Except she was really a pony unlike earlier, so there were blood and guts everywhere. Ew.

Author's Note

no picture here.