Princess Celestia's R&D

by FoxVillain321

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1825

A earth pony becomes the newest member of Princess Celestia's Research and Development team.

You know, when I first lost my job and apartment in Whinneyapolis, It felt like the worst day ever. All hope had seemed lost, until I saw a flier at the coffee shop.

Wanted: Ponies who don’t mind getting their hooves into some mad science and don’t ask a lot of questions. Report to the Royal Castle Science Labs! Good pay! Dental Coverage. Food and Board available.

It was a dream come true! Get hooves dirty? Don't ask a lot of questions? No problem. This job couldn't be so bad after all!

I was wrong...

...So...very...wrong...

(Author's note: The story takes place at the end of Season two, and may progress into the later seasons. Also the Gore take is for later intended chapters. Rated Teen for cursing, gore, and adult humor.)

Published 2017-08-09 18:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-09 18:50:07 UTC

Chapter 1: The Start of Something...Insane...

“Hello? Anypony Home?” I call out to the empty grand hall.

So here I am, at the Royal Castle. The whole hall is uncharacteristically quiet, say for a few guards on post. The checkered floor reflects off the natural light let in by the windows, while the red and purple tapestries create shadows on the walls. A red carpet leads up the stairs to the upper levels.

I look at the flier I picked up back Whinnyapolis. Wanted: Ponies who don’t mind getting their hooves into some mad science and don’t ask a lot of questions. Report to the Royal Castle Science Labs! Good pay! Dental Coverage. Food and Board available.

I roll the flyer back up. I wouldn’t need to be doing this if I wasn’t desperate for bits and a place to stay. I already got fired AND evicted yesterday, and...Buck I’ll do anything for bits. I show one of the guards the flier. He points me in the direction of a large brown door. I trot over and open it, opening with a resounding squeak.. Behind it, is a large staircase leading down to another large brown door. Trotting down, watching my footing, I manage to get to the door and open this door as well.

“No, no, no! Nitroglycerin FIRST! Then the orange juice!”

I walk into a large lab. Gears and gyros click and clack as they function, powering random doodads around the area. Liquids in test tubes and beakers percolate through different filters, running through different tubes, creating different compounds. Desks and tables sit in the middle of the lab, littered in papers and files. Multiple other spaces of the lab are filled with broken parts and devices, almost like they were failed creations.

“Hello?! I’m here about the flier?!” I call out.

I am immediately drowned out by the sound of an explosion, followed by the wailing of a pony, flinging pass me and smacking into a wall.

...Well...that’s something a pony doesn’t see everyday.

He pulls himself off, shaking vigorously.“Okay, less Nitroglycerin!” He shouts. The stallion is a grey unicorn with a short light brown mane and tail, or so i figured, since a lot of his hair and fur is singed. He wore a now blackened lab coat and cracked glasses. His eyes are blue, and his cutie mark is a test tube.

“...OH! You must be here about the flier! Wait, course you would be, you wouldn’t be in here if you didn’t, unless of course you're delivering eggs, which is quite possible...or are you here about the orange juice bomb?! It’s not quite ready yet.No? There IS the off chance that I’m hallucinating this in a trauma induced coma, although the pain in my body could disprove this.” He spoke excitedly.

...Ooooookay...I have several questions now...

“...Uuuuhm...I’m here about the flier.” I say, the smell of burnt fur now filling my nostrils. I unroll the flier and give it to him

“AWESOME! Glad to have you aboard. I’m Test Tube. And...let's see here.” He proceeds to walk around me, looking me over. “Yellow stallion earth pony with with a dirty blonde long layered mane and tail. Green eyes, and a wrench as a cutie mark...yes, i think you're just what we need!” He giggles, a little too maniacally.

...I...Need an adult...

“Riiiight...I’m...Quick Fix.” I say to him.

“Great! Nice to meet you, I’m Test tu-wait I said that already...Now what was I going to...OHWAIT! I remember! GENTS WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER!” He shouts at the top of his lungs.

Three other stallions show up. One of them looked like one of the unicorns of the royal guard, although his grey pudginess looked like it is straining the armor. I’m actually surprised he IS one from his heavier size. “Hey, I’m Heavy Set! I’m the assistant!” He cheerfully greets, taking off his helmet, showing off his silver unkempt mane. He takes my hoof and begins shaking excitedly, causing me to shake as well. Well...at least he’s friendly.

After I regained my composure another earth pony approaches. He is white with zebra tribal tattoos covering his body. He had a short black crew cut mane and his tail, also black, is shaved short. He had blue eyes and a Sacred Heart as a cutie mark. “Nice ta meetcha gov, I’m Brave Heart. I patch up these blokes when they eventually ‘urt themselves.” He spoke with a welcoming tone, holding out a hoof to shake, a gesture at which I returned in kind.

That’s about the time I noticed the Changeling. “Uh...Is...that…” I begin. “Yes, I’m a changeling. No, I’m not here to steal your love or emotion...or whatever you paranoid ponies think we do.” He grumbles in response. “I’m Wasp. I’m the test subject of these ponies experiments.” He continues, giving me a annoyed stare.

“WE are Princess Celestia’s Research and Development team!” Test Tube announces. “We do the sciency stuff for Celestia.”

“An’ occasionally blow stuff up.” Brave Heart comments.

“Hey that only happened 37…” Test tube begins to say.

“38.” Wasp corrects.

“...38 times, and Wasp how am I supposed to know that thermite and dry ice don't mix?!” Test Tube argues.

I just stand there, contemplating on what the everliving buck I just got myself into.

“Wait, did you say Celes-” I began to speak.

“Alright, now a form for you to sign and a few rules we have to go through...oh balls, where’d I put it.” Test Tube curses as he began looking and chucking papers off the desk.

“So where you from, Quick Fix!?” Heavy Set cheerfully inquires.

“Oh, I’m from Whinnyapolis. Used to be the mechanic there, well, until the business went under. Turns out the business was selling illegal racing cart parts. So I lose my job, then my apartment gets raided and that’s when they found the crack den...and I get evicted...so, all in all...shit luck.” I explain to them.

“Bad luck, chap. But not ta worry. We’ll get you on thah straight an’narrow.” Brave Heart says happily, patting my back.

“FOUND IT!” Test Tube shouts, holding a paper. He walks over after getting a quill. “Alright, now before you sign, we got three VERY IMPORTANT rules to follow here.”

“Alright, Anything particular?” I ask.

“Rule number one: We are potentially going to do a looooootta crazy shit...like bucked up shit...like shit that would put normal ponies in an asylum and they wouldn’t ask them if they wanted cheese and crackers shit. You’re gonna need to pony up, like REALLY, because I don’t need another White Lightning incident.” He began.

“...White...Lightning incident?” I inquire.

“Thah was the last pony we ‘ired. Pony ‘sploded right in front’a ‘im...like “PPWWIIIICK” ‘splosion. Blood and guts e’rywhere. He’s at...Manehatten’s Home for thah Mentally Disturbed as I recall.” Brave Heart comments.

“Poor White Lightning...only two days from retirement…” Heavy sniffles.

“Uhm…” I began to weigh my options.

“RULE NUMBER TWO!” Test Tube interrupts my thought process. “Until we fully train you, you don’t go ANYWHERE without one of us. There are gonna be some potentially some terrifying bucking shit out there, and the last thing we need is you getting eaten by a bjark. So, no going out and doing the do all by yourself.”

“A...Bjark?” I ask, confused.

“Half Bear, Half Shark.” Wasp sighs, rolling his eyes.

“I named the species!” Heavy Set triumphantly states.

“AND RULE NUMBER THREE WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ON-wait if it’s the most important one why didn’t i put it first...huh...RULE NUMBER THREE SOON TO BE ONE: You do NOT, and I repeat, NOT discuss ANYTHING you do here to anyone outside these walls besides Princess Celestia. This stuff is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT research. Research that, in the wrong hooves, could be used to do unspeakable evil. The last thing we need is somepony using a giant voodoo cannon on us.” Test Tube finishes.

“Trust me, happened before. Blew almost half of Port-au-Prance up with it.” Heavy Set mentions.

“Nasty stuff.” Brave Heart comments.

“So I repeat again, do NOT talk about what you do here. You don’t say nothing, you don’t do nothing, you don’t even mention that you work here.” Test Tube beat the point home.

“Right, got it.” I say to them.

“Good, sign here.” He says, putting the quill and paper in front of me. Okay ‘I ______ promise not to divulge any information regarding my Research to anypony outside the team.’ simple enough...aaaaand signed.

“Right...PRINCESS AT 12:00!” Heavy shouts.

The four bow, as I heard hoof-steps behind me. I turn to see the one, the only, Princess Celestia in all of her pink, teal, and cyan flowing mane glor-Wait, PRINCESS CELESTIA! BOW YOU IDIOT!

I quickly bow to the Princess. “Oh, hello there.” She speaks in her soft yet regal tone. “You must be the new member of my Research and Development.”

“Y-y-yes ma’am-Princess.” I quickly correct myself. “I’m Quick Fix.”

“Well, it’s very nice to make your acquaintance. I’m certain you will enjoy working with these four. I apologise for the short meeting, I’m still cleaning up a little mess from the whole incident at the wedding.” She explains.

Oh riiiight...the changelings...I heard there was a large attack on the castle…

“I should have something for you five tomorrow. Tata!” She says, leaving through the large wooden door.

Wow...just...wow...I got to meet one of the princesses...Celestia no less!

“...She’s hot.” Heavy Set broke the silence.

“Yes she is.” Test Tube agrees.

Aaaaand the moment has passed.

“Oh would you two shut up over there.” Wasp groans, rolling his eyes again.

“Oh hush, Larva, I got a shot with her and you know it.” Test Tube argues.

"For the 45th time...IT'S. WASP. And no you don't..." Wasp groaned.

The two began arguing about the potential of Test Tube and Celestia hooking up, Heavy Set putting his two bits in when he could. At this point, all I wanted to do was rest. The train ride up was long, and at this point of the mindbuggary going on in my head, a nap would do me good.

“Hey, Brave Heart.” I ask. “Where’s a pony to get some sleep around these parts? I’m really tired and at this point, a nap would probably save what sanity i have.”

“Oh, cor gov, jus’ down thah way and through thah archway.” He points to a room full of cots. Cots...really? Not a single actual bed? Tough break. I climb into one of the cots, fluff the pillow on it, and lay down.

So let me just put this in perspective. I got fired from my job, get evicted from my house, road a train to Canterlot- nay the ROYAL CASTLE for a job that had food and board and good pay, all of which i need, find out I’m working in research and development AND it’s for PRINCESS CELESTIA!

“The guys back home will NEVER believe this.”