Problems Solved By Your Favorite Interdimensional Pony Party Person
Welcome to the first Ask Pinkie Pie in our school newspaper! I would throw you a party to celebrate, but since you’re reading the paper instead of here, the best I can do is to answer all of your questions just as well as possible. So let’s get started!
— Pinkie Pie
The administration of Canterlot High would like to remind anybody who submits a question that all entries are reviewed by myself or Principal Celestia before publication. We will be giving significant leeway to the content of the column, but any questions involving illegal activities or such will be referred to the appropriate authorities. In addition, due to the special circumstances of our school and the somewhat exceptional (if you know what I mean) nearby neighbors, questions materializing on the office desk in a puff of smoke will be given exactly the same scrutiny.
Also, no requests for tours of the ‘alternate campus’ will be granted under any circumstances.
— Vice-Principal Luna
P.S. I am reminded of one exceptional circumstance. If at any time you should happen to see myself or my sister around the school looking somewhat distracted and not seeming to know your names, please be on your best behavior and escort them/us to Sunset Shimmer without delay.
* * ♕ * *
Dear Pinkie Pie,
How long do you think until Canterlot High is destroyed by some weird monster again?
— Apple Bloom
Dear Apple Bloom,
Depends. Did you sign up for the Overnight Fun Trip To The Abandoned Everfree Camp? If so, I don’t think you have to worry about it.
— Pinkie Pie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I’ve recently found this new game called Pokemon Go, and I’m enjoying it a lot, but it seems like some of my captured pokemon keep vanishing and I have to keep going out and capturing them again. Am I doing something wrong?
— Carrot
Dear Carrot,
I’m not sure. I know Fluttershy has been playing the game, but she releases all of her pokemon after she catches them, and Twilight is developing a capture/battle matrix to optimize her game, if she can ever catch one of them. Maybe you have a leak in your phone?
— Pinkie ‘Ash’ Pie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Recently my husband has started playing this game on his phone where he catches little creatures and battles with them while we take walks. He’s gotten out of the house, lost ten pounds, has twice the stamina ~~in bed~~, and is turning back into the man I fell in love with. Do you think he’ll notice if I keep deleting his captured creatures so he keeps exercising?
— Cup
Dear Cup,
This is Carrot we’re talking about. You’re good. Also, you’re both looking good too.
— Pinkie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I have found the most wonderful girl, but there seems to be something weird about her. Well, one thing in particular. Half the time when we’re kissing, her breath smells like Red Bull and the other half it smells like alfalfa. Do you know what is going on? Will this affect our relationship?
— Rapid Guardian
Dear Flash,
How open are you to a three-way? And you don’t even need to get another girlfriend.
— Pinkie Pie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I have a date with Big Mac ~~coming up~~ soon, and the drugstore is all sold out of his size of…(ahem) protection. Do you think a size Large is sufficient?
— Troubled Teacher
Dear Cheerilee,
No.
— Pinkie Pie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
My friend and me feel we have been unjustly condemned for what was a really cool prank. How do we get out of the seven months of detention we are supposed to serve.
— S&S
Dear Snips and Snails,
Admittedly, Rainbow Dash and I have served quite a few days in the detention room under Principal Luna’s watchful eye, so we feel your pain. Unfortunately, putting green Jello ice cubes in the cafeteria ice dispenser might have been considered a cool prank, if you had not used ice cube trays in the shape of tadpoles, or if Fluttershy had not been one of the first students to find one. As an obedient student who currently is not serving detention, all I can say is to accept your sentences and file appeal form AP-11745/S. I’ve got a stack of them all filled out if you want.
— Pinkie Pie
P.S. Can we borrow your ice cube trays?
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I’m currently experiencing a severe dilemma. Part of me wants to write literature, but the other part revels in the sheer joy of discovery and exploration. How can I decide?
— DD
Dear Daring,
Why choose? Go out there and experience the joy you feel when exploring and discovering, then when you come back, write about it so others can enjoy it.
— Pinkie Pie
P.S. Vice-Principal Luna would like me to pass along that she expects the large red crystal which used to be in the top of the entryway chandelier, the silver hood ornament from Principal Celestia’s car, and the crystal statuette of Crystal Prep’s founder to be returned to the office immediately, or you will be spending some quality time in detention along with Snips and Snails.
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I think my best friend is hiding something from me. I found this suitcase full of spy gadgets in her closet, and we keep getting thick envelopes from Washington right before she vanishes for a day or two and doesn’t tell me where she went. What can I do to get her to trust me?
— Strings
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I think my best friend is hiding something from me. I found this glowing pod in the closet with a vague dark shape inside and green goo all over the walls, but she pretends it is just a ‘science project’ and that I should not worry about it. What can I do to get her to trust me?
— Candy
Dear Lyra and Bon Bon,
Will the two of you please stop cosplaying Naughty Secret Agent and Naughty Changeling before you get the Cutie Mark Crusaders involved?
— Vice-Principal Luna
Dear Pinkie Pie,
My girlfriend and I have advanced in our intimate relationship to a degree which sometimes astounds me, but lately I’ve begun to suspect that the details of our activities have not been kept secret just between the two of us. How would I best approach her to ask about the rumors without endangering our relationship?
— Shield
Dear Shining Armor,
Don’t worry about it. Cadence has been using films of the two of you in the girls Our Bodies, Ourselves class for about two years now, and several of the schools in the state have asked for copies of her class presentation. I’ve been helping edit the first volume of her book series Dot To Dot With The G-Spot, which is due to be released next month, and the pre-orders have pushed it to #21 on the Amazon.com list, so I really don’t think you have to worry about rumors. You will probably have to sign quite a few copies.
— Pinkie Pie
P.S. I’ve got a few questions about Chapter 17 before we send the book to the press.
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I am a widower who inherited a diamond mine from my departed wife, and have been working at Canterlot High as a teacher while my heart heals. To my surprise, the most attractive woman in the school has brought new courage to my shattered life, and after several years, she has motivated me into moving on and once again opening my heart to romance.
The problem is that I am terribly shy, and she is so tall and radiantly gorgeous that I am unable to speak in her presence, other than to blurt out our normal teacher’s reports at meetings. I had considered talking to her younger sister to have an intermediary, but alas, when I am in her presence, I also cannot bring up the subject, for my heart can only see the eldest. Wealth is not an issue, as I could purchase the school many times over, and have anonymously covered the repairs after our recent school ‘events.’ I so wish to sweep her off her feet and carry her away to my yacht in the Mediterranean so we may spend our remaining years in blissful togetherness, touring the world and making memories, but without the ability to speak with her, I am out of luck. Do you think you could help?
— Lovestruck
Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna sat in their office and examined the piece of paper with all of the caution of an unexploded bomb or one of Sweetie Belle’s cooking projects.
“It could be real,” said Celestia with just the smallest twitch of her hand to grab the paper.
“It could be an insane stalker escaped from the asylum again,” suggested Luna. “There was one in the paper just last week. It would explain the crayon drawings stuffed under your door and all of the obscene phone calls you’ve been getting.”
“How do you know I’ve been getting obscene phone calls, Luna?” asked Celestia with a furtive glance at her telephone and the blinking voicemail light. “Have you been listening in again?”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Only until you begin breathing heavily into the mouthpiece. Then I hang up quickly before it turns into a pant-fest.”
“It has been a rather long time,” admitted Celestia.
“I know.” Luna let out a deep sigh. “Such is our lot in life as administrators of an educational institution, I suppose.”
Celestia eyed her sister. “You went out on a date again just last week. And you locked your side of our duplex all night afterwards. I was out of peanut butter or I never would have known,” she added.
Luna giggled. “It would not have done you much good to visit my side of the duplex for that, dear sister. We used it all up again.” She took a deep breath and picked the letter off the table, holding it away from Celestia’s abrupt grab. “Do not despair, sister of mine. I shall check out… I mean evaluate this individual for you. It shall be a great trial, but what are sisters for?”
* * ♕ * *
Hi, there! Pinkie Pie again. It’s your cards and letters that keep this project going, so write soon, and don’t forget to include any questions that have been bothering you. We can answer everything or give you twice your weight in cupcakes!
— PP
